It’s Friday (the 13th) again!
And while we’re all horrified by the lack of cup sleeves at the local Starbucks because of import restrictions, at least your friendly (and not-so-friendly) emails put a smile on my face.
Let’s take a look at this week’s submissions, shall we?
- “Friday wasn’t just a guy in Robinson Crusoe.” – Steven L.
- “Facepalm Fridays!” – Agustín C.
- “Your weekly dose of basic, dumbed down knowledge is here!” – Kate A.
- And a special mention for Gaspar C., whose submission didn’t really qualify as an opener because it’s an image, but made me laugh out loud when he closed his message with: “Kiss my ass if you don’t like it.”
Alright, no more fucking around. This is what you need to know:
Phew, man! It’s a good thing that the whole Malvinas/Falklands debacle has quietly faded into the night, because now we’re at war with Spain. That’s right, first the United Kingdom and now Spain! It’s the 1800’s all over again! Because… you know what happened in the 1800’s right? RIGHT?! Seriously, I don’t even know why I keep trying with you. It wouldn’t kill you to learn at least some BASIC Argentine history! This is where you’re living, after all! OK, cue the elevator music from this episode of The Simpsons because you’ve got some Wikipedia to read. First, in 1806, the British army invaded the Spanish colonies located in the Rio de la Plata region, waaaaaaay before they were called “Argentina.” Well, actually just four years. Then, for some reason that I’m sure is clearly described in that Wikipedia article that I just linked this to, the British army lost and went back to whatever country they came from. But then, in 1810, the Argentines all decided they didn’t want to be a part of Spain any more and hence the War of Independence came. (Spoiler alert: Argentina won).
- There, now you understand the joke. Too bad that having to explain it totally kills the mood and now it’s not funny anymore.
- But I digress. Where was I? Right. War with Spain. Well, the thing is that Argentina is pissed with Repsol YPF, a Spanish oil company that holds a large part of its assets in Argentina after it bought local oil producer YPF in 1999. Apparently the Fernández de Kirchner administration is upset because the company is not investing enough in local exploration and exploitation, so they are threatening with nationalization. Spain, my home country, is going through a lot of shit right now so it’s not time to lose more money. Their response? WAR!! Well, maybe not war but they’re angry. Let’s just hope I don’t get deported or locked up as a prisoner of war.
- But hey, not all is dark on the horizon. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner yesterday announced that very soon the delicious Swiss Milka chocolates (which are anything but Swiss since until now they were being manufactured in Brazil and belong to global Kraft Foods, Inc.) will be manufactured in Argentina. See? There’s always a silver lining for everything. You just need to keep it positive.
- As thousands of people in the City and the Greater Buenos Aires areas were still trying to recover physically and mentally from the unexpected attack of what scientists later confirmed was a pseudo-tornado, Mayor Mauricio Macri went missing last week. Literally. No one had any idea of where he was! As his Cabinet was trying to deal with the aftermath of one of the worst storms to hit Buenos Aires in like, ever, Macri was MIA. #DondeestaMacri was the No.1 Trending Topic on Twitter, and the scandal spawned an endless string of internet memes that went from Where’s Waldo? to Missing Children spoofs. After a few days of despair, anxiety (and excitement, maybe) Macri reappeared safe and sound. Turns out he was just vacationing in San Martín de los Andes! And that is a totally fair excuse, come on everyone. It was only 17 people who died. To cut your holidays short you need at least fifty! That is why it was perfectly correct to be outraged about Cristina’s disappearance after the Once railway tragedy (51 died) but not OK to yell at Macri over this one. Coherence, people!
- This week, in News You Couldn’t Care Less About: The embezzlement case against Vice-President Amado Boudou is seemingly spiraling out of control and has already claimed its first political victim. Prosecutor-General Esteban Righi has tendered his resignation. Now that we’ve cleared that out of the way, let’s move on to happier, less concentration-demanding news.
- In what could probably be considered the worst on-off relationship since Ross and Rachel, US president Barack Obama has once again asked to meet privately with Cristina when they both cross paths in Colombia this Saturday to attend the Summit of the Americas. We still don’t know what he wants to talk about, but considering that our favorite deranged-yet-adorable Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez will also be attending the summit, I can totally see the three of them running around the hotel at night, causing mischief and dealing with double entendres in front of the Secret Service. Then when Obama questions Cristina for engaging in “shady businesses” with Chávez for so many years, she can always argue that they were on a break.
- If you’re still trying to get that joke, clearly you didn’t watch enough television in the 90’s. Don’t blame me for such a cryptic pop culture reference. This is totally your fault.
- [UPDATE] Unfortunately President Hugo Chávez couldn’t attend the Summit due to health-related issues. But hey, at least we got this, which is ten times better.
- Now, this story may sound like a joke but I swear to God it’s not. Córdoba city, that beautiful, progressive, always-sunny, expat-friendly place has decided they’re not gonna take it anymore and finally banned the selling of Choripan during the day. That’s right, people. If you are a choripán vendor in Córdoba (chances are you aren’t), you will only be able to sell them to drunk, overdosed teenagers trying to detox their bodies from the liters of fernet poisoning their blood by absorbing pounds of disgusting, bacteria-infested fat in the middle of the night. The funniest thing is that no one is really sure as to why the Córdoba legislature voted in favor of such a ridiculous piece of legislation. So there. No more choripán for you.
- Oh, please! Stop shaking your head, as if things like that didn’t happen in your home country (I’m looking at you specially, American readers. Don’t make me embarrass you by showing this to people. And yes, that is an actual law).
- [UPDATE] After billions of angry citizens threatened to democratically assassinate all Córdoba lawmakers if they didn’t “release the choripanes,” the city’s Legislature has agreed that vendors will be able to sell them during the day, but they will need a special permit for that. The reason for the ban is that last week the Córdoba Health services shut down two choripán stands after they were found to be infested with rats. So there. Fancy a choripán now?
- You’re still listening to that “Land of Chocolate” music, aren’t you? You
were supposed to turn it off minutes ago. Just saying.
- Great news, people addicted to prostitution! A City court has decided that having a Zona Roja (Red Zone) in the Bosques de Palermo area is absolutely legal. Defined by some as “a mined field of used condoms,” the Zona Roja is a place for the whole family. During the day, the children get to run around the park while mommy spreads a blanket on the grass. During the night, daddy shows up and spreads the legs of a prostitute while he smokes some grass. So remember that next time you head over to El Rosedal to work on your abs. That thing stuck on your hair may not be a balloon.
- Remember a couple of weeks ago when a guy killed himself in Plaza Francia, right in front of the children? Well, this week another guy with suicidal tendencies decided it would be a good idea to cut his veins in Plaza de Mayo. The good news is the police persuaded him not to do it, much to the chagrin of the bystanders who were totally hoping for the blood to start splattering their faces, as you can see in this video. So, wanna bet which is going to be the next plaza ruined by a weapon-wielding maniac? My money is on Parque Las Heras. There’s just so much happiness in that place, it’s disgusting.
- If you’re still shaking your torches and pitchforks in the air over the price of Yerba Mate, then I have some good news for you. The President has warned that if producers don’t lower the price of the much-coveted product, she will have no choice but to enact the Supply Law, a law passed in 1973 that establishes that producers who speculate with essential goods could be fined or even arrested. Like I said last week, I don’t like mate so I really don’t care if you’re going through yerba mate withdrawal. But good news for you, I suppose.
- A premature baby in Chaco made the news around the world this week when, 12 hours after being declared stillborn, she was found alive in the morgue by her mother. It is still unclear how five different doctors who checked the baby failed to notice she was breathing, but fortunately they have all been suspended and there is an ongoing investigation. Since yesterday, according to the local media, the “miracle baby” is not doing so good. So fingers crossed for you, little girl.
- This week, in “the football”: Diego Maradona (who else) said Pelé was “stupid” because he said Neymar (I don’t know who that is) is a better football player than Lionel Messi (I do know who that is but don’t hold it against me). And yes, that is all I have to say about football this week. If you are looking for information on matches, and tournaments, and stuff you’ve come to the wrong place, my friend.
Have a great weekend everyone!
Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at email@example.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono