It’s Good Friday again!
It’s a holiday. It’s early. And yet here I am, half asleep, writing for you.
I hate you all so much.
Specially since I know that none of you will be reading this today. Maybe on Monday, when you’re back from your Holy Week escapades, you’ll casually remind yourself that you haven’t checked the news and visit this column. The world may be over by then, but no, you still don’t care right?
So first things first, here are this week’s best suggestions for my weekly opening statement:
- “I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s gray and Wednesday too.Thursday I don’t care about you, It’s Friday I write for you!” - By Jenny F.
- “Fuck this shit, it’s Friday. I’m out!!!” - By Leandro DS
- “Give me an F! Give me an R! Give me a… – ah, whatever, it’s Friday.” - By Mateo R.
- ‘Last Friday, zero were the amount of fucks given about ur thoughts on my column’ - By Pablo G.
Thanks for your efforts kids! You truly outdid yourselves. All others who didn’t make it this week is because they sucked.
Now this is what you need to know:
Well, now that the 30th anniversary of the Malvinas War is over, let’s all hope that this whole diplomatic rift goes away forever (until next year). As expected, there were commemorations of the conflict on both sides of the ocean, as well as political speeches, marches and riots. And where do you think most of those took place? You guessed right: here (but that’s probably because mostly no one in the UK gives a shit about this)! So last Monday we had:
- President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner’s speech that she gave in Ushuaia, where she once again called for the UK to sit down and negotiate the island’s sovereignty. And even though she sometimes used her controversial rhetoric, I must say it wasn’t as bad as I expected. In fact she even seemed conciliatory when she said that this was a day to also mourn those British soldiers who perished in the war because “the death of a young person is always a tragedy.” She also stressed that the Argentine population is peaceful and that it will continue to be peaceful in the sovereignty negotiations. Here’s the video of her speech, for those two readers genuinely interested in it.
- And, speaking of incendiary, those assholes from Quebracho, the extreme left-wing organization that the entire Argentine population seems to hate and yet they somehow continue to exist, decided that the best way to prove that Cristina was right about that “peaceful” part was to attack the British embassy in Recoleta. So they threw Molotov cocktails at the water cannon truck that was trying to disperse them and attacked the infantry officials with slingshots and marble balls (yes, a slingshot), all in the name of peace.
- Cristina was certainly not amused.
- Now onto something else: Sometimes, when a political scandal erupts, I usually wait until it becomes a big thing to talk about it here. Mainly because most of them they just disappear into the night as fast as they crawled out from under a rug, and end up being irrelevant. This week, however, a corruption scandal involving none other than Vice-President Amado Boudou has entered the main political arena, so it’s time for you to know what’s going on. The case is fairly simple: our favorite Vice-President has been accused of using his influences as Economy Minister to lift the bankruptcy plans on a money-printing company called Ciccone. A judge investigating the case ordered a raid on one of his properties in Puerto Madero in order to prove that there is a connection between Boudou and the Ciccone CEO. (Have I lost you yet? ‘Cause I know that after a couple of lines of not making a joke you start drifting away. Still with me? Good.) OK, so Boudou was pretty pissed and gave a speech in Congress on Thursday, (here’s the video, if you wanna watch it) accusing the Clarín media group of being part of a mafia leading a smearing campaign against him. So there. Now you’re got something else to talk about next time you end up trapped in a conversation about Argentine politics and need to prove you’re “totally into Argentina’s current political climate.” You owe me a beer.
- Well, now things are bound to go to shit. That’s right everyone, start buying canned food and mineral water. Go to your basement (yes, I know people don’t have basements in this city, whatever) and stock up because a civil war is coming. Yerba Mate, that bitter, silent anesthetic that has managed to keep Argentines from exploding in a bout of rage for centuries is now impossible to buy thanks to very high prices, caused by, well, no one is really sure. The Government is outraged since they say there is no reason for it to double its price in just a few days, while producers blame the hike on rising costs of production. Whatever the reason, drinking mate is now expensive. But let’s look on the bright side! I don’t like mate. So there.
- Also, the World Trade Organization is pissed about Argentina’s latest import restrictions. Since you don’t really understand what the WTO does, then it’s OK, you shouldn’t worry.
- Speaking of Boudou, and trade barriers and shit, the Vice-President became something of a laughing stock this week after he tweeted that the Government is not against imports but “just looking after your jobs. We’re looking after the Argentine industry.” Of course that would have made complete sense, except he tweeted it from his personal iPhone, which not only is totally made in China, but is also a product impossible to get anywhere in the country due to the imports ban (unless you buy it in Mercado Libre, where you will surely be ripped off). Oh, well. It’s just a phone, right? I’m sure he doesn’t own any more apple produc…- Oh.
- Also, the guy sitting in front of him with the weird hairdo that looks like the Argentine version of Jason Schwartzman is Economy Minister Hernán Lorenzino. He also owns an iPhone, as you can see in the photo. *giggles*
- In other news, the Government continues its crusade against capital flight so now if you travel abroad and want to get dollars from an ATM, you better: A) Have a bank account that is not from an Argentine bank, B) Rob someone at gunpoint, or C) Have an Argentine bank account in dollars and pay the monthly fee that comes with it (the most difficult option of the three). The positive side of this is A) If you’re a foreigner living in Argentina you probably own an account in a foreign bank, and B) If you’re an Argentine chances are you can’t afford to travel abroad because getting dollars is a pain in the ass. So there. Now there’s no need to rob anyone. Yay!
- Are you the lucky owner of a Movistar line? (You know where I’m going with this, don’t you? You’re already smiling). If you are, congratulations! You’re one of the lucky 16 million people who had no cell phone service for more than five hours last Monday, a service disruption that caused riots of biblical proportions throughout the country as angry teenagers failed to update their Facebook statuses on their cell phones or tweet about how “psyched” they were with the new Justin Bieber single or Skrillex, or whatever it is that kids listen to these days. The service was eventually restored after the company managed to fix a “system problem.” But that, of course, was not enough to appease the angry mob. Fortunately the Government always thinks of the costumer first and announced that they are considering the “worst kind of possible sanction” against Movistar. But wait, there’s more! The company has announced that all users will get compensation for the trouble caused: you will not be charged for that day. Which means you get like a $4 discount! And people say corporations are greedy.
- In all fairness though, Movistar said there would be other freebies, such as free text messages from yesterday until Sunday and other stuff. Check it here.
- Oh. You don’t read Spanish? Tough shit. Maybe you should finally stop relying on this column for everything and start learning the language, don’t you think? I’m a writer, not your nanny.
- OK, so that terrible storm that hit the city last Wednesday was neither a
tornado nor a hurricane (even though if you look at this photo captured with a cell phone I still have my doubts), but it was still pretty fucking big. At least 15 people have been killed and many others have been injured after they were hit by falling branches or collapsing roofs. Look, the media even created a video montage to illustrate the gravity of the situation. It has a scary soundtrack and everything! No, but in all seriousness now, politicians and scientists are agreeing that this storm was extremely unusual and that there is no recollection of Buenos Aires ever being affected by such strong winds. So there, maybe you were not here for the 2007 snow storm, but have now witnessed the storm of the century. Congratulations, maybe.
- Three years ago, the Argentine population was introduced to a non-fictional character that would become the nation’s pet peeve for several months. When transvestite Zulma Lobato was discovered during a television interview in April 2009, she became an instant hit. Her off-key singing, her unexpected outbursts of rage and endless collection of wigs all contributed to her instant rise to celebrity status. For months, people (myself included) would shamelessly giggle at her quirkiness and deliriums of grandeur, since time after time she would repeat that she was destined to be on Dancing With The Stars even though her chances were rather slim. Not because she lacked the talent, of course (we all know you don’t need to be talented to be on that show). No, Zulma’s biggest liability was that she was not a hot, slutty 25-year old piece of ass. So the call never came, and when it finally sank in that people were laughing at her, not with her, she had a stroke on live television. And that’s when everyone said “Oh. Shit,” and realized we had all been making fun of a mentally-unstable person. But, alas! We live in a liquid society, in which we’re outraged by a Kony 2012 video, so we angrily post it on our Facebook profile, rallying others to join us in our global fight against injustice, until we see this video of two cats speaking French and we totally forget about it. So in a matter of seconds, Zulma disappeared from our televisions… until now! That’s right, she’s making her comeback! You know, if Britney Spears, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan have all had it, why couldn’t she? The problem with her new music video, besides reeking of amateurism, is that it seems to be just another excuse by some unscrupulous producer to keep laughing at her. So now it’s up to you. You can be an asshole and laugh at it, or angrily post it on your Facebook profile, rallying others to join you in your global fight against injustice, until you see this other video of two cats speaking French.
Happy Easter everyone!