¡Gracias a Dios es viernes!
Oh, God, that’s terrible.
You can blame reader Javier V. for that one, a lame Spanish variation of the now infamous TGIF, which as I’ve said countless times, is absolutely forbidden.
Also please stop sending me links to Rebecca Black’s “Friday” music video as if it were some kind of awesome discovery.
It’s not. It’s just not.
It is also very 2011, which means it fails to qualify as a “hot, new thing.”
However, keep sending me what you think should be the new opening for this column so we can replace that dreadful “It’s Friday again!”.
It’s so cheery it makes me sick.
Here are some of your most recent suggestions:
- ¡Por Dios es viernes! (PDEV) – Suggested by English Undergraduate
- Ready for a depressing read? Ready, set, go! - Suggested by Ryan P.
- Otro viernes de mierda! – Suggested by Emma A.
- Your column fucking blows, man. - Suggested by Disgruntled Reader
- This week on Malvinas/Falklands: Some thought the UNASUR was beginning to show signals of fragmentation after news broke that the HMS Montrose, a British frigate, had been cleared to dock on a Peruvian port this week by the Peruvian Congress. As you know, all UNASUR nations have expressed support for Argentina’s sovereignty claims over the islands, so clearing a British ship to a protocol visit was not considered Argentina-friendly. The Peruvian government quickly voided the permit and apologized for the fuck up. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner later thanked Peru, and urged all South American countries not to let “the great powers” militarize what has remained so far “a peaceful region.” Hurray for peace!
- Meanwhile, in England: this.
- Yup. We’re screwed.
What the fuck is going on in Salta? You may recall that last year two tourists were raped and murdered, and that a few weeks ago the provincial Health minister was fired after he accused a Japanese assault victim of “trusting other people too much.” Well, this week a Mexican tourist went to the police to say a man tried to rape her in some Cafayate night club. I really don’t know what’s going on there, but you might want to reconsider that ride on the Tren de las Nubes. Just saying. Better stay here.
- Oh, and on top of that, Salta governor Juan Manuel Urtubey publicly stated that he is against last week’s Supreme Court ruling on abortion, and assured that in his province rape victims looking to have an abortion would still require a court permit in order to do so. “Judges will be able to make the laws when they become lawmakers,” he said, suggesting that he may not be up to speed on what a supreme court is supposed to be doing in the first place.
- Apparently Corrientes, being the attention whore it is, became a little jealous that its dumb cousin (Salta) was all over the newspapers, so the provincial Health minister there came out and said that some raped victims between the age of 10 and 12, “where getting pregnant on purpose” because they would then be entitled to a government social program. Then of course he also said he was against the Supreme Court ruling on abortion. I can totally see the Salta governor going: “Hey! Come up with your own controversial statements, you unoriginal douche!” and stuff.
- As Salta and Corrientes ready to enter the provincial Hall of Shame, another province is proudly becoming a liberal, progressive stronghold. Santa Fe, located right above Buenos Aires, made news this Friday after its provincial government (led by a socialist governor) announced it had started mass producing Viagra pills, which will be distributed freely among patients with erectile dysfunction. Dear God, socialism is indeed terrifying!
- As if that were not apocalypse-y enough, Rosario (the only place in Santa Fe you’ve probably ever been to) will become today the first city in South America to hold a gay wedding between two foreigners. So now you know, foreign gay readers (and I know there’s many of you): the road has been paved. Head over to Rosario and tie the knot. You have my blessing. Even if you’re too old, there’s no excuse. You get free Viagra! Watch and learn, haters. Watch and learn.
- Soooo… let’s say you’re a woman living in Florencio Varela, right? You
feel a little light-headed, but you head off to work anyway. You enter your car and you pass out. Some people notice you lying unconscious there, so understandably they call the police. A patrol car shows up, two policemen get out and start looking around your car. A second later, they take your car keys, open your trunk, steal your laptop computer, your cell phone and leave without even helping you! Those bastards! If you were crossing your fingers as you were reading this, and prayed that there was some sort of footage of this, you’re in luck: here it is. Oh, and those two fuckers have been caught. Justice prevails! Kind of.
- Still concerned about the fate of your beloved Subte system because neither the National Government nor City Hall want to manage that sinking ship? Yeah, I’m sure you are having trouble sleeping over this. Worry not, because the matter is still being debated in Congress, and the Government expects it will be passed very soon, once the Lower House easily votes in favor of handing over that whole mess to Mayor Macri.
- Did I mention they will be handing over 33 City bus lines as well, causing the bus ticket to spike to (according to rumors) $4 pesos a ride? Did you just go “Oh, shit”? Yeah, you thought I was kidding when I said you were having trouble sleeping over this, didn’t you? Because I clearly wasn’t. Good luck sleeping tonight!
- I know you probably keep losing your cell phone every two months so you don’t really care about this, but the Nationwide Number Portability is scheduled to go in effect in a week. This means that if you are tired of being ripped off by your cell phone company, you can always change to another service provider while keeping your number. This is great news! Too bad all cell phone companies suck. I suggest you keep the one you have. At least you already know the number to Customer Service and you know who to yell to, even though it solves absolutely nothing.
- Do you enjoy running around the Tres de Febrero park? Yeah, you enjoy sailing through the Palermo Woods at sunset while listening to Lana Del Rey on your iPod Touch and looking at all the beautiful people who are also pretending to work out after a busy day at the office. You look at the skyline and it almost makes you feel like you’re in New York’s Central Park, doesn’t? Well, next time remember to keep your eyes open and you may come across a couple of dead bodies. That is so Central Park.
- Some day you will be able to tell your grandchildren that you survived nature’s worst hailstorm in history, which of course took place in Buenos Aires. Sure, it was bad. And the hailstones were pretty big. This is how it went down, according to your personal experience. This is what the media wanted you to believe was happening. So when you’re telling your grandchildren about all this, you might want to warn them the media is full of shit.
- This week in “the football”: once again, as it happens every week, supreme being Lionel Messi broke some random record only weird people are keeping track of. Apparently “the flea” (that’s what he’s called, you see) became the player who scored the most goals for the Barcelona FC (or FC Barcelona, or however the hell you write it). Good for him! And bad for us football haters, who had to put up with the news showing montage after montage of every freaking goal he scored for his team. Yeah, we get it Argentine media. You’re living your frustrated world cup dreams, which were crushed two years ago, through Messi’s success. You’re like one of those pushy mothers who insist on signing up their kids into beauty pageants and talent competitions because, now that they are past their prime, their children’s success is the only way to channel all that bottled anger and frustration for what it could have been had they tried a little harder. Now shut up already.
- Messi, on the other side, who I really like despite my aversion to football, celebrated by not giving a shit and throwing a costume party with his hot girlfriend. Now that’s a player.