Weekly News Roundup, March 9th

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It’s Friday again!

And I’m starting to find this opening line very annoying, so soon we’ll have a contest in which readers will be able to submit what they think is the best way to open this column every week (those of you suggesting “TGIF everyone!” will be banned forever from this site), so start thinking!

In case you’re wondering: no, there’s not gonna be any prize. Whoever wins should be proud that I’ve decided to open my weekly column with something they came up with.

Oh, and also some other thing.

Last week I apparently hit a nerve with the Ultra-K’s (ultra Kirchnerites, those who blindly and violently defend the Fernández de Kirchner administration) after I strongly criticized her hypocritical and out-of-touch stance on the tragic train accident that left 51 dead.

As the pretty little army of brainwashed minions they are, they promptly released the hounds on me, calling me a fascist (that’s new), ignorant (kinda true) and a liar (now that’s crossing the line! Fuckers.)

Sorry kids, but I’m not interested in playing your game. You see, I’m not against any party (well, maybe against this one but that’s a whole different story) nor am I in favor of any other. So get over it.

And if it’s any consolation, I’m not happy about Mauricio Macri either.

Now that we’ve cleared that out and you hate me even more, this is what you need to know:

  • Famed rock star and public enemy #1 Roger Waters. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    The Kirchnerite stronghold continues to show signs of fragmentation as people grow increasingly disenchanted with the Government. On top of a rampant inflation and the blatant displays of public deception, you can now add “teachers” to the long list of President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner‘s enemies. You see, last week when Cristina opened the legislative year and gave her unforgettable 195-minute speech, she complained that teachers’ organizations in several provinces had not come to an agreement on their basic salary and condemned their decision to go on strike. Making things worse, she ironically referred to them as people who “only work four hours a day and enjoy a three-month vacation every year.” As expected, teachers all over the country went apeshit and this week they went on a 48-hour strike. Salary discussions are scheduled to continue next Monday and millions of parents are hoping this conflict is solved as soon as possible. Their children, however, are not.

  • Speaking of more boring stuff, the subway remains on the least-exciting kind of limbo there is (legal limbo) since neither the City nor the National Government want to deal with that hot potato. Since the City Government “returned” it to the Fernández de Kirchner administration, Cristina replied by suing him. He asked a judge for an injunction in return at least until both parts can come to an agreement, but since no one fucks with Cristina she said she would take the case to Congress, where lawmakers would draft a bill – I know, this is boring but it’s almost over – that would leave Macri no choice but to take them. In the meantime, the whole fucking thing is up for grabs! What do you say? Wanna buy a subway? Yeah, didn’t think so.
  • Every British person who reads The Telegraph probably had a stroke this Tuesday after learning that 58% percent of the paper’s readers said the Malvinas/Falklands “should be returned to Argentina” on one of those shitty, unscientific online instant polls. Fortunately Governments, who know better than all of us, don’t give a fuck about what the majority of society thinks and always end up doing whatever they feel like doing. That’s why abortion is still illegal in Argentina, gay marriage is still illegal in the US and the Malvinas are still called Falklands. Viva la democracy!
  • Speaking of the Malvinas, remember Roger Waters? Remember how he said he thought the Malvinas belonged to Argentina,  a bold statement that was praised by the Argentine community and condemned by the British community? Turns out it was all a huge misunderstanding! What Roger actually said was that he thought the Malvinas should be Argentine, but of course this doesn’t mean that they are Argentine (even though it totally does). That’s  dangerous thinking, are you crazy? How dare you claim he said something he actually said? But it’s OK Roger, the people here will still love you no matter what. You could actually burn an Argentine flag with Diego Maradona‘s face printed on it and people would still support you.
  • See what I mean? After becoming Argentina’s hero for a few days you ended up betraying their hearts and minds by making a 180° on such a sensitive issue, and yet here you are meeting with the President. Everybody happy! (Except for the Brits. Those guys will probably stone him to death as soon as he sets foot back in England).
  • Thought we were done talking about Roger Waters? Think again. After his controversial backtracking, a lot of people who previously supported him suddenly realized that having sold 400,000 tickets, he will be leaving the country with trillions (trillions!) of dollars. But how was he going to get past the dollar-sniffing dogs deployed by the Government in order to stop those trying to leave the country with cash? Will he able to do so because of his celebrity status, while us mortals have to hide it in our spare tires and dirty underwear?  Well thanks to the media, Facebook and Twitter (it’s always those two, isn’t it? It’s never LinkedIn or that new crap “Pinterest.”) the rumor that he was being given a free pass by the Government got so big that the head of the AFIP himself had to call in a press conference and explain that since all the tickets had been sold before the new measures against capital flight were enacted, it was all good for Mr. Waters. Bottom line: the rich always win. Sorry, poors!
  • Transportation Secretary Juan Pablo Schiavi, who was in hot water after the Once railway tragedy, resigned this week after Cristina said “he had to go.” Finally! Maybe his resignation will usher in a new era of traffic safety and stricter controls when it comes to public transportation services.
  • Speaking of accidents: you know how I always tell you to be careful when crossing Libertador Avenue? This is why.
  • Remember that double murder case in Salta six months ago? Two French tourists were raped and killed while they were trekking  the Quebrada de San Lorenzo.  Well this time a Japanese and an American girl assured they had been raped, and even though details are still sketchy about what really happened in both cases, the case became notorious after Salta’s security minister said maybe girls shouldn’t trust strangers so much. Classy guy, this minister! He was immediately fired by the Salta governor, who swiftly apologized for the minister’s callous statement. Fortunately no one was killed, which means no one cares.
  • Here is something that I’m sure is not going to surprise many of you: the US State Departmenthas released

    This puma looks so badass I decided to go with it. Honestly I was gonna use this photo of some girl snorting coke but I found that to be too mundane. So you get the badass puma instead. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    their 2012 International Narcotics Control Strategy Report and Argentina has the dubious honor of having the highest prevalence of cocaine use among South and Central American countries. How middle class of you, Argentina! Congrats, maybe?

  • It’s baaaaaaaack! Remember that vicious, blood-thirsty, man-killing puma that has been terrifying Vicente López for the last few weeks even though no one has seen or heard from it in like, ever? Well apparently killing no one was not enough because it has come for more! And get this: this time there’s actual footage *gasp* of the devious feline, caught by a brave area man who stood in the face of the monster from like a block away and got some blurry images of the animal on the prowl. And don’t be fooled by the fact that what the guy saw is totally a domestic cat, because no matter what anyone says THIS IS A FUCKING PUMA! OK?! Here, see for yourself… if you dare.
  • This is a puma, according to the people of Vicente Lopez. For the love of God, don't make any eye contact! (Photo/Wikipedia)

    You have no idea what you’re supposed to be looking at right? OK, let me help. See that round window with a white water pipe right next to it close to the upper left quadrant? (“Quadrant“? Jesus, I sound like a SWAT team). Well, if you look a little to the right of the water pipe you will see there’s a door leading into the room with the round window. Now look at that small ledge over that door. Go to the 00:01 mark and click play. See that small house cat jumping down from it onto the balcony wall? OMFG THAT’S THE PUMA!!!!

  • You’re welcome.
  • Also believe it or not, that video has been playing non-stop on every network for the last two days. In fact people are now so terrified that they actually set up a trap that involves a goat inside a cage and… well that’s pretty much it. Rings a bell? That’s right, if a big storm hits the city this weekend and the power goes out, Vicente López will officially become Jurassic Park.
  • **FRIDAY EVENING UPDATE** You may think this is a joke, but it’s not. It appears that the residents of Pilar are jealous that Vicente López is grabbing the spotlight and have decided to come up with their own batshit crazy version of “deadly creature on the loose.” That’s right people, everyone in Pilar is now boarding up their doors and windows and loading their guns because there’s a freaking python terrorizing the neighborhood!! So there you go. Next time you’re invited to a pool party in Pilar and you don’t feel like it because it’s too far away, this is your perfect excuse.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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4 Responses to “Weekly News Roundup, March 9th”

  1. Daniel says:

    To be fair/pedantic, the bus collided with the train, rather than the other way round. Also, even if the Malvinas became Argentina’s surely English speakers would still call the them Falklands, cos like, that’s their name. No?

  2. Carol says:

    I am a fan of this column! Being an Argentine, I find it a bit difficult to get press opinions based on reality. I also share my dislike for football … except during World Cups.

    Daniel, as you say, I wouldn’t mind keeping the British name of the islands (or Scotish, to be precise).

    And about famous people speaking about the islands, I don’t understand why on earth their opinion should be important. Even if they say what I like. Besides, Roger Waters was going to have a huge audience without saying anything about the country or without having to wear the Argentine team t-shirt anyway, so it was really pointless and silly. Don’t speak if you are then going to say “oh, no, I did not say what I said”.

  3. Oscar says:

    Vicente lopez is very dangerous because of its wild animals, and I’m talking about vicentelopeans, not pumas.

  4. Francesca Fiorentini says:

    We love you Adrian!! Woot woot! Except for your offhand Messi comment. Don’t mess with a god…

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