It’s Friday again!

And let’s deal with the ongoing Malvinas clusterfuck so we can get that out of the way fast, yes?

I know you’re tired of reading about it but when the missiles start coming and you need the location to the closest fallout shelter you will be thanking me.

Now be a good boy/girl and read.

This is what you need to know, in a nutshell:

• 

  Yeah, we all knew I was gonna go with a photo of Sean Penn. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Sean Penn visited Argentina. Yay! Sean Penn! He came here to ask for money because he’s a goodwill ambassador for Haiti and those people need dollars to fix their country after the devastating earthquake that left their nation in ruins two years ago. But then Sean Penn criticized the British government for not wanting to return the Malvinas/Falklands to the Argentines and now the Brits are offended. Argentines, on the contrary, are delighted with Sean Penn. Some of them have even said he should run for president of the United States! Of course the truth is that had he said the opposite and defended the UK, most Argentines would have said “¿Qué mierda se tiene que venir a meter este yankee de mierda en temas que no le importan?”. I know it, you know it, we all know it.

• Two fighter planes escorted a small Cessna plane to the islands. That’s it. It’s a non-issue. But the media (that’s us) needs to sell, so the day after, newspapers were basically going: “OH MY GOD, LOOK! LOOK! LOOK AT WHAT THEY ARE DOING! THEY DID THIS NEW TOTALLY NON-THREATENING THING BUT WE’LL SPIN IT SO IT SOUNDS TERRIFYING, LOOK!! YOU SHOULD BE MAD!!!” And people got mad. *sigh*

• Also, Argentina accepted the UN’s offer to act as mediator in the conflict, but that doesn’t sell so there’s not much to say about it.

• Last bullet point about Malvinas, I swear: Have you ever noticed, while taking a stroll down Plaza de Mayo, that there is some sort of camp set up on its south side, with white flags asking the President for official recognition? Well those are former soldiers that have been camping there for years, hoping that the Government will consider them war veterans, even though technically they are not. You see, those former soldiers were on active duty during the Malvinas War, but they were never sent to fight. They were dispatched to Patagonia and remained there for months, but they never fired a single shot or engaged in combat, because the war took place entirely on the islands. Probably the most dangerous situation they had to endure was trying not to die of boredom. So since they are not war veterans they do not get a veteran’s pension. Simple, right? No, nothing is simple in this country. They still want their pension no matter what, so this week they resorted to (what else?) interrupting traffic on the 9 de Julio Avenue hoping to draw some media attention. In response, the government responded with (what else?) rubber bullets and tear gas. Considering for a moment the 9 de Julio Av. looked like a fucking battlefield, I’d say these guys are now entitled to their pensions. See? It all works out in the end.

• And to think that all this is because of those two little islands that neither Britain nor Argentina really care about, no matter what they say.

• You’re probably aware by now that the shit has hit the fan in the northwest of the country and the population of Catamarca, San Juan and La Rioja have risen against the oppressive tyranny of the mining companies which apparently pollute the environment but the National Government doesn’t give a fuck because they rake in the big bucks. You’re not? Well, I’m not surprised. Anyway, the Fernández de Kirchner administration has been under severe scrutiny after the police fired teargas and rubber bullets at the environmental activists who were protesting the mining activities. So the President thought it would be a great idea to give a speech on live television in which a helmet-wearing miner thanked her for supporting the mining industry, which creates lots of jobs and totally doesn’t poison the land. “I know a lot more than those environmentalists because I spend all day working in the mines,” he said, and everyone was happy and cheered and laughed. And then one day later the media learned that the helmet-wearing miner was not really a helmet-wearing miner, but a non-helmet-wearing political activist from outside Buenos Aires who had just pretended to a helmet-wearing miner to make the protesters look bad. This is democracy, people. I told you it sucks.

• And speaking about democracy and new ways of curtailing your constitutional rights, another scandal has just exploded right on the face of the National Government, after the media found out about this so-called “Project X,” an intelligent-gathering database that according to sources in the National Gendarmerie “is used as an analytical tool and guideline in court cases, like informational support to Operative Units.” Which we all know is bullshit for “spying on you.” The Government of course has said that it would not comment on the matter until it finds some half-baked explanation that gullible voters will buy no matter what. Well they didn’t say it like that, but that’s what they meant.

• The Argentine population is fuming after word got out that national lawmakers and senators had agreed on a 100% salary hike for themselves, effectively going from earning 15,000 to 30,000 pesos a month. And every major political party was in favor of it (of course). Hey, don’t judge! Non-existing inflation is hard to deal with, you know? Especially when you’re a hard-working politician. I mean look at these guys! They are so exhausted from working they pass out on their seats in Congress. Right?

• Vice-President Amado Boudou, who as we all know still insists on pretending to be young and hip even though he’s not, grabbed a guitar and climbed on stage all sweaty and fat and started rockin’ it out with La Mancha de Rolando. But my favorite part was seeing him wearing a t-shirt that read “Clarín miente” (Clarín lies), which we all know is kind of true sometimes but he should be acting like a vice-president and not like a patronizing, rebellious teenager.

• Yeah, that was it. I know it’s not really news. I just wanted to show what a douchebag he can be sometimes.

• In case you didn’t know, Argentina’s version of Adolf Hitler, former de facto President and current Monster of the Black Lagoon General Jorge Rafael Videla (cue this music whenever he enters a room) is not dead, even though we all wish he were. And from time to time he gives some random interview from his tiny prison cell just to remind us all that he may somehow kill us in our sleep. For those who clearly don’t give a shit about Argentine history or otherwise they would know about it, this is the guy who staged the 1976 coup d’état that sparked the country’s darkest era to date since it included torturing pregnant women, stealing their babies and making political dissidents “disappear.” When democracy returned in 1983, 30,000 people had been “disappeared” and 500 babies had been stolen. However, Videla does not agree with history, so once again he has crawled out of his dark, moist cave to accuse the Kirchners of being “vengeful,” and to assure that it’s not 30,000 people who were killed but merely 7,000. Well. Maybe we should throw him a parade then? Agh, just die already.

• Oh-oh. You may want to call your parents before they hear about this from somewhere else: Germany, France, Spain, the United Kingdom, the United States and Brazil are all raising their warning levels for travelers coming to Buenos Aires. And after last week’s incident in Plaza San Martín, can you blame them? However, I feel like I need to be fair here and come out in defense of Buenos Aires. First of all, most of you don’t leave Recoleta, Palermo or San Telmo, where the worst thing that can happen to you is getting stabbed, and that would probably be your fault for deciding to take a stroll at 3 in the morning. You just have to be careful, period.

• Yeah, I know. I said “first of all” so there should have been a “second” part but I totally spaced out and lost my train of thought. So whatever.

• Also, I’m not trying to freak you out or anything, but a few days ago there was a near collision between two passenger planes in Aeroparque. Technically they “grazed” each other on the tarmac, which means they were two millimeters away from killing 400 people. So… you know. Fingers crossed next time you’re flying to the Iguazú falls or Punta del Este or wherever it is you like to go.

• Well, we all knew it was bound to happen sooner or later: a wachiturro
  

  This is a wachiturro. You've been warned. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  has been arrested in Chile on terrorism charges. Yeah, that’s right: a wachiturro. In case you’re not familiar with their horrendous –yet ridiculously popular- music, here’s a sample of their most famous single “Tirate un paso.” Anyway, one of the wachiturros, apparently referred to by some people as the “Scary wachiturro,” (just like one of the Spice Girls, although for entirely different reasons), had no better idea than to say, after going through the metal detectors in a Chilean airport, that he was happy security “had not been able to find the bomb he was carrying.” Bad move, Scary Wachiturro! Within a few seconds he was arrested by the airport police and I really don’t know what happened after that because I found the story to be extremely dull and stopped reading. Maybe he’s been released; maybe he’s been shipped off to Guantanamo. Who cares?

• Here, have some fun with the new map that’s been making the rounds on Facebook, Twitter and maybe Friendster. It’s a map of the city of Buenos Aires according to the “cool Palermo crowd” (you know who you are). So wrong, yet so true.

• And yes, the Malvinas clusterfuck has now reached the rock bottom part of this column, usually reserved for anything football-related because that’s how much I care about that idiotic sport. However this is kind of fun, so read on: in an effort to push stupidity to the max, the AFA decided to name the Clausura Tournament “Crucero General Belgrano” in honor of the eponymous Argentine warship that was sunk by the Royal Navy during the Malvinas/Falklands War in 1982. Who knows what kind of amorphous monster could result from such a manic combination of shallow nationalism and dangerous fanaticism? Well we may never know because the FIFA is now considering sanctioning the AFA since it may have incurred in “political discrimination.” Why? I don’t know, I’m just happy this is all happening.

• Ah, now here’s a manly sport that I respect because at least no one is trying to sell you that whole “sportsmanship” crap that no one believes in anyway (like football). You see, what I like about Boxing is that basically you have to kill your opponent, and the cathartic process seemingly helps satisfy the bloodlusting-crowds. Well, except for last week in Mar del Plata when Filipino boxer Johnriel (“Johnriel”? Really? OK.) Casimero killed knocked out Argentine boxer Luis Lazarte (sorry, no Wiki page. I guess he’s not that important) and all hell broke loose, with the audience jumping into the ring and trying to kick Johnriel’s ass. Don’t believe me? Here, it’s all caught on tape.

It’s Friday again!

And yes, this week’s column is mostly gonna be about the Malvinas/Falklands clusterfuck once more.

Have you rolled your eyes at me yet?

Good. Because I don’t care.

This is what you need to know:

You might run into this while walking around Olívos. How dangerously exotic! (Photo/Wikipedia)

• Previously on Weekly News Roundup: it was the UK’s turn to spice things up a bit in this Malvinas/Falkland never ending stupidity, so they sent the HMS Dauntless, a nuclear submarine and Prince William to the islands just in case Argentina decided to call them “silly.” That’s it.

• Everyone was caught off guard this week when the National Government announced that President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was going to be making a statement on national television in relation to the ongoing diplomatic conflict. While many feared she was going to make a formal declaration of war, others were more optimistic and suggested that she was going to offer the islanders a deal to create a weekly flight from Buenos Aires to the islands, which would have been really cool because I totally want to visit them. But alas, the cameras went on and the circus began. The Government had invited members of the opposition and war veterans to witness her speech, but they also let in a bunch of chanting idiots who started waving their flags and singing insults towards the British (because I’m sure the islanders are just gonna love that). And then, as the world anxiously awaited her “important announcement,” she finally said that since the UK has not complied with Argentina’s demands, she has no choice but to keep making them. Well, not really but kind of. She accused the UK of “militarizing” the South Atlantic, which is kind of hyperbolic but whatever, and warned she was going to file a formal complaint before the United Nations and the Security Council. Something she could have announced without the need to appeal to shallow nationalism.

• And while everyone was still oozing peace and love from their pores and singing about giving peace a chance as they were leaving the Government House, some Malvinas War veterans showed up and beat up Kirchnerite lawmaker José María Díaz Bancalari just because. I guess that is how they roll.

• The British press had a lot of nasty things to say about Cristina after the announcement. She’s “authoritarian” and “a quintessential bully,” they said. But the fuck up of the week goes to the Malvinas/Falklands-based online newspaper Penguin News, after the Argentine press learned that the photo of Cristina they used for their main piece on the website last Tuesday was uploaded under the name “bitch.jpg”. Whoops!

• Also, the Telegraph ran an article saying that Argentina has no more claim to the islands than Canada does to Alaska. Well, I’m sure that if being a part of Canada meant getting rid of Sarah Palin, Alaskans would sign up for Canadian citizenship like that. Just saying.

• And since the Barack Obama (really, you clicked on that? Wow) administration seems to support Argentina’s claim on this matter (their position is that the only way to solve this is through diplomatic dialogue), Cristina is super happy and wants to be BFFs with the United States. Yay! Argentine ambassador to the US Jorge Argüello said his goal is now to take the bilateral relationship to the best place possible. Nice! Maybe they can go back to being fuck buddies, like they were called in the 90s. You don’t believe me? It’s true! Back in the 90s, the US and Argentina were so close that the local Government and press began saying that they were having “relaciones carnales” which in Spanish means – you guessed it – fucking. Of course the true story is that Argentina was in fact getting fucked by the neoliberal policies of the Washington Consensus but whatever. Yay, friends!

• Really sad news: a French 52-year old man who was visiting Argentina was brutally murdered in broad daylight by a man who tried to steal his camera while he was taking photos at the Malvinas War Memorial in Plaza San Martín. The man, identified as Laurent Schwebel, was stabbed twice in the chest and tried to walk for a few meters, asking for help. He eventually collapsed as horrified bystanders tried to assist him. The police have arrested a suspect who they believe was responsible for the murder. This proves that even though Buenos Aires is a relatively safe city you must always be aware of your surroundings and stay alert. Be safe, OK?

• Also, this tragic death aside, this is the third French tourist to be murdered in Argentina in less than a year. Half a year ago two women were raped and murdered in Salta, and even though the men who did it were quickly arrested, this is still terrible PR for Argentina. I would understand it if the French decided to stop visiting out of fear. Let’s hope they don’t.

•  Oh and also, a few meters away from where the French man was brutally murdered, a cable got caught in a freight truck that was passing by, causing a traffic light to fall on top of a Brazilian tourist who was just standing there. So… yeah, you know where I’m going with this.

• Avoid Plaza San Martín altogether, is what I’m trying to say.

• And while we’re at it, you might want to avoid Vicente López as well since a blood-thirsty puma is apparently terrorizing the neighborhood. Yeah, that’s right. A puma (as in: a motherfucking puma). Oh, please! Spare me the “this shit doesn’t happen where I come from” face.  It does and it does. Shut the fuck up already.

• Have you ever tried walking across the Pan-american Highway (click here to see what it looks like outside of Buenos Aires)? Well, you may be a coward but as you can see in this video grandma isn’t, so she did. And she didn’t care who could have died in the process.

• And here’s my good deed of the day: next time you land at the Ezeiza International Airport or the Aeroparque Airport and you’re walking like a zombie, dragging your suitcase while trying to cope with your jet lag, please remember NOT TO head over to Global Exchange to trade your dollars/euros for some pesos. Because as it turns out, these mischievous guys will take your money for a 20% less value than any other money exchange place.  For every dollar they will give you 3.47 pesos (when they should be giving you close to 4.35). See? And some people say this column has no value to society.

• Since this week private vehicles are no longer allowed into the Downtown BA area on weekdays from 11 am to 4 pm, in an effort to cut down traffic jams. Not that you care because you don’t own a car.

• Great news people! The National Government just announced that if you don’t have your SUBE card yet there’s no reason to worry! Because they’ve decided to push the deadline to March 2nd. since apparently there’s a couple of losers who didn’t get the memo saying that if they don’t have their SUBE cards soon, they will lose their public transportation subsidy benefits. Which means you stood in line for three hours under the searing siesta sun for nothing.

Rest in peace, Spinetta. The Wachiturros will never even come close to your music. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• Rock legend and Argentine icon Luis Alberto Spinetta died on Wednesday after battling with lung cancer for more than six months. The entire country and even Latin America will continue to mourn this musical genius for days, since he is considered to be one of the forefathers of what is locally known as “rock nacional.” He will be remembered by many songs, but his most popular hit will always be “Muchacha ojos de papel,” a sweet ballad he wrote after being inspired by his muse back in 1969 that still fills 50 and 60 somethings with nostalgia. Listen to it, it’s pretty nice.

• Remember a few months ago when local football megastar Martín Palermo announced he was retiring, and they threw this huge farewell party at the Boca Juniors stadium, and everyone paid a lot of money to go there and everyone was crying because it was an emotional moment and they even gave give an actual goal as a gift and stuff? Well, as it turns out that wasn’t the real farewell party, for some reason! And if you thought so then you must have misunderstood. You see, the real farewell party was last Sunday and if you wanted to attend you had to pay again of course.  Isn’t football great? Yeah. Great way to make money! Like some bright mind tweeted recently: “I loved Martin Palermo’s farewell party last Sunday. I really hope the next one in six months is even better.” Clap, clap, clap.

• Oh, and before I forget: please don’t write to me explaining how one was a farewell ceremony and the other was a farewell game. I really, really, really don’t give a shit.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday again!

And I’m mortified to say that this may be our last Weekly News Roundup ever, since the way things are going it’s very probable that in a few days Buenos Aires will be replaced by a highly radioactive wasteland after a British nuke goes off somewhere in the City, the result of David Cameron’s unilateral escalation of the Malvinas / Falklands sovereignty conflict.

Haha, I’m kidding of course!

However, don’t tell your mother about these jokes because you know how parents react to all this. You make a joke about war and they start freaking out, yelling at you for abandoning the comfort of your first-world lifestyle to leave for “Argelina or one of those countries near Brazil” (“Brazil” being the only country they more or less know how to locate on a map of South America. Yeah, that’s right, it’s always Brazil. It’s not Colombia, it’s not Paraguay and God knows it’s not Guyana, a country that even I thought was in Africa for several years. I know it. You know it. We all know it.)

Deal with it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Prince William. His country may have nuclear weapons and rule the Malvinas, but he's going bald and there's nothing he can do about that. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Since apparently Mr. Cameron is dealing with some troubles at home he needs to divert attention and find a cause that will fire up the population. And what better way of doing that than appealing to the most primal of stupid nationalism? And while Argentina keeps saying “let’s talk about how those islands should belong to us,” the British government replies “Oh my God, invasion!!” So in order to protect the Malvinas/Falklands from a certain non-invasion and bring all of us closer to war, Great Britain has:

• 1) Decided it would be a great idea to send the HMS Dauntless to the islands in order to protect them from Argentina’s non-invasion. Despite its totally gay name, the Dauntless is a powerful anti-air destroyer capable of shooting down Argentina’s non-existing air force. Of course the British government said it was just “routine,” but we all know what that means.

• 2) In addition to that impressive warship, they also thought it would be smart to deploy to the islands none other than Prince William himself, who I’m sure is thrilled to have to stay at some barren, windy outpost north of nowhere for six weeks. I can totally see him, scotch in hand, going ”What the fuck am I doing here?” and such. Of course the British government said it was just “routine,” but we all know what that means.

• 3) As if that were not enough, Meryl Streep‘s latest film, “The Iron Lady,” which depicts the life of British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and focuses somewhat on the 1982 war between England and Argentina, opened yesterday and now everyone is depressed because it reminds them of that drunken military president who went to war with the UK because he needed to rally the country’s population behind some random cause to retain power. So I would suggest you avoid the issue altogether unless you wanna get punched in the face.

• أخبار عظيمة للجميع! (That’s supposed to be “Great news, everyone!” in Arabic according to Google Translate. It should have been in Farsi, but the option is not available so fuck it.) Inhuman rights champion and President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmedinejad officially launched last Tuesday a new Spanish news network which he expects will present “the cultural reality of Iran, the Middle East and Latin America.” In a very contrived Spanish, good old Mahmoud said: “Death to America!” “Viva España! Viva America Latina!” That’s great Mr. President! And you know, his administration is changing after all. A few years ago they would stone women to death, but now they “kinda call off the whole stoning thing.” A few years ago they would also execute the gays just for being gay, but now they have no more gays! They must have cured them or something. Right? Right?? Also, I’m pretty sure he was high when he made that video.

• Did you enjoy that overrated French movie, Amelie? Did you also enjoy that clearly underrated masterpiece The Da Vinci Code but are too ashamed to admit it? In both cases you probably enjoyed Audrey Tautou‘s performance. So if you care to get her autograph, you should know that she’s loose in San Telmo right now, according to every media outlet in the country. Yeah, that’s right. This is news, for some reason.

• Your dream has come true: Facebook Buenos Aires is now hiring! Too bad your resume is a million light years away from the kind of resume they’re looking for. Oh well. Pizza Hut and KFC are about to open in BA too and they will probably be looking for some “driven, outgoing individuals interested in workin in a fun, exciting environment.” Just saying.

• Mother Nature must have been pissed this week, because she’s been coming down hard on us humans.  A freak storm was unleashed over Córdoba city, catching everyone by surprise. Two people were killed, more than a dozen were injured and hundreds had to be evacuated.

• But the worst came on Wednesday when whatever Greek god is up there got pissed and decided it was time to
  

  The Constitución Train Station. I'm sure you're all going "Why, it looks just like New York's Central Station!" but trust me, it's nothing like that. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  teach us all a lesson, so he opened the floodgates of hell over Buenos Aires, effectively flooding the whole city within seconds.  And when I say “flood” I mean it. It was like that movie “The Day After Tomorrow,” only with more realistic special effects and better acting. If you had been waiting for the subway, this is what you would have run into. If you had been riding the bus, this is what you would have run into. And look! A geyser in the middle of the city! God bless Climate Change.

• Are you one of the million people who listened to my advice last week and stood in line for five hours under the sun/rain in order to get your SUBE card before the February 10 deadline? Well, like I’ve said a thousand times before, you should never listen to me. Because this week the Government set up a web site where people can order it online and get it in the comfort of their homes. No waiting. Sorry!

• And this is why you should never go to a nightclub in Constitución.

• Yeah, I know I just said you should never listen to me, but trust me on this one.

• Oh, and speaking of neighborhoods: Recoleta, Palermo and Nuñez are now the most expensive areas to rent in the City. If you live there (most of you do), congratulations! You’re now living like a rich person despite your average income.

• Rive Plate played against Boca Juniors again in the “second part” of that fake Superclásico that the AFA pulled out of its ass in order to make more money. River Plate lost again. The AFA won again. You lost again.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday again!

And since most of you are still partying around the world and don’t really care about what happens here, there’s no point in me making some snarky (yet extremely profound) remark about the current state of the country. You’re just not gonna read it.

You know how demoralizing it was for me to write the last two columns knowing that you didn’t even care to check them out? You bastards!

This is what you are not going to read, but I offer you nonetheless just for the sake of martyrdom:

• 

  Lionel Messi made the cover of Time magazine this week. But don't get your hopes up. So did Hitler. (Photo courtesy of Time Magazine).

  She’s back, and she’s more pissed than ever! That’s right people, everyone’s favourite President resumed her activities last Wednesday in a ceremony in Casa Rosada after a 20-day leave of absence that she spent recovering from non-cancer.  So here’s her hilarious 45 minutes comeback speech, in case you want to watch it.

• Haha! Who are we kidding, you’re not gonna watch it! And I’m so sure that you were not gonna watch it that I actually linked that to some cat blooper videos. Go on, click on it! See? Anyway, here’s the actual speech for that one freak reader who will actually sit through it. The rest of you, first watch the cat video and then check out some highlights of her speech below:

1. The President announced that for the first time in like, ever (or the last 20 years), unemployment levels fell to 6.7% 
2. She praised the authorities of the Austral Hospital and thanked them for not murdering her. Which could have totally happened since it’s run by the ultra-Catholic Opus Dei, an organisation that has condemned her to Hell since she decided to support marriage equality.
3. She suggested that her “Hey! Guess what! You didn’t have cancer after all!” diagnosis was actually a miracle. No, really, she did.
4. She replied to British Primer Minister David Cameron‘s statements about Argentina being a colonialist country and said that “when someone resorts to saying that is because they have neither reason nor argument,” and once again urged the UK to discuss the sovereignty of the Malvinas/Falklands. Yeah, because we never heard that one before.
5. She criticized foreign oil companies for a lack of investment and overpricing, which I don’t really care about because I don’t own a car.
6. She criticized environmental NGOs, saying that they are not defending the Malvinas’ natural resources enough and are letting the UK drill for oil around them. (Greenpeace didn’t like this and replied fast.)
7. She showed her throat scar on purpose so the next day “Clarín wouldn’t say that her operation was a sham.”
8. Isn’t that the most unflattering photo of her you’ve ever seen? ‘Cause I think it is.
9. That’s it, no more bullet points. Come on, scroll down.

• Remember last week when I said that “the fan” from the wonderfully vomit-inducing “Soñando por Bailar 2” was this close from snapping and going on a killing spree on his fellow contestants? Well, here’s some more evidence that I’m right, since he chose to dress like an old lady and do an alleged “comedy bit.” Sounds eerily similar to a certain horror classic, does it? No, you idiots, I’m not talking about this, I’m talking about this! Seriously, that guy is two seconds away from going postal. Should you watch the video? Probably not. It’s certainly not funny, it’s in Spanish and you won’t even get the gist of it. In fact, I don’t even know why I’m still talking about it. Looking at that guy in drag is just sad, really. Don’t bother.

• The media (that’s us) insist on making the public (that’s you) believe that Berenice Bejo, an Argentine-born (but totally French) actress nominated for an Academy Award in the Best Supporting Actress category for her role on “The Artist” is as Argentine as dulce de leche. However, let’s get our facts straight. First of all: she’s not. Second of all: actually that’s pretty much it. Stop trying to make it seem as if Argentina deserves any credit for her. Maybe for her hotness, but that’s it.

• The entire Argentine population celebrated that the king of all things football Lionel Messi made it to the cover of Time Magazine this week. Too bad they failed to notice  the text under the headline, “Why won’t his countrymen love him?” Ironic, isn’t it? This guy leaves his life in the football field, visits Argentina all the time, kisses the Argentine flag passionately and they still hate him. But some French chick  we never heard of is up for an Oscar and she’s instantly up there with Evita. Oh, Argentina. You attention whore.

• Eons ago, there was a mesmerizing sporting event that used to drive thousands of Argentines and visitors into a football trance. This yearly happening used to go by the name of “Superclasico,” a clash between the forces of good and evil (depending on who you followed) that mutated into an orgasmic, collective experience, leaving attendees agitated for hours after the encounter. But, alas, then River Plate got relegated to the National B last year and it all went to shit. So now you’ve got both clubs setting up a “friendly superclasico,” which means “we’re doing it because we want to milk more money out of this stupidity” and it doesn’t matter who wins or loses because it’s “just for the thrill of the game,” right? Wrong! When I play Super Mario Bros. I don’t do it because I like to stomp on evil mushrooms. I do it because I want to rescue Princess Peach! IT’S ALL ABOUT PRINCESS PEACH!

• Oh and Boca Juniors beat River Plate 2-0. Tough shit.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday ag-!

Ugh.

Fuck it, it’s hot.

This is what you need to know.

• 

  I chose this photo just to piss people off. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This thing with the Malvinas/Falklands has really become the stupidest bilateral dispute in years, now seemingly spinning out of control. And the worst part is that it’s not even Argentina’s fault this time, since it’s David Cameron who’s behaving like a 5-year old, warning of attacks, invasions and the imminent danger of a new war with Argentina. Uhm. Mr. Cameron, sir? You know how the Argentine Government insists on “engaging in talks” and nothing else? That’s not just because they’re polite. It’s because there is no military force in this country. None. Zero. In fact, “military” is almost a bad word here after the historical disaster and deep wound that the last military dictatorship inflicted on this country more than 30 years ago. So please stop sending nuclear submarines and making empty threats. Nobody cares.

• Also, accusing a Latin American country of “colonialism”? Dumb move, sir. At best all you can say is that it’s being a pain in the ass.

• Did you now there’s a local football club called “Nueva Chicago“? Well, I didn’t. Anyway, apparently this club has some hardcore hooligans who clashed with some other hardcore hooligans from God knows where, leaving one of the Nueva Chicago followers dead. Problem was that, when the victim’s friends heard that the alleged murderer had also been hurt and was being treated at the nearby Santojanni Hospital, they decided it was payback time and attacked the hospital en masse, terrorizing doctors, patients and personnel. They also trashed the place (here’s the footage), because that’s the macho thing to do to prove you’re badass, right? Do us all a favor and go back to watching your stupid game, you uncivilized idiots.

• Remember that cute little train that Cristina and Uruguayan president Jose Mujica inaugurated a few months ago? Remember how everyone was all “Yay, togetherness!” because it united both nations and then it started having logistical problems and was always late and stuff, but the Government said it was just a technical “contretemps” and again everyone was all “Yay, togetherness!”? Well now it’s derailed. To hell with togetherness.

• The Government has finally gone “Fuck this shit!” over idiots who ride the bus or the subway with their cell phones on boombox mode and refuse to give up their seats to pregnant woman. So they have begun an aggressive (and a little tongue-in-cheek) Facebook campaign against them. All you have to do is click share on the many images available at the SUBE card Facebook page and voila. Come on, do it. You know you want to do it. It makes you feel like you belong, no? No? Fuck you then.

• You know how you were really upset about missing David Guetta in Mar
  

  I'd say David Guetta's show was pretty for-Guetta-ble, right? Right?! Oh please, like you would have come up with a better joke. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  del Plata this week? Well, you should be happy you avoided this. Suddenly listening to “Without You” in the safety of your apartment doesn’t sound so bad does it…

• I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news first: experimental gaucho western Aballay, which includes some memorable performances as good as those seen in an elementary school play, has understandably been rejected as a serious contender in the Oscars’ Foreign Film category. Which is good. I mean, have you seen that trailer? Dear God. Find me an Argentine who talks like that, I’ll give you a lollipop.

•  Now onto the good news: Aballay may have been rejected, but the Argentine spirit lives on in “Superclasico,” a Danish film revolving around – you guessed it – a guy who comes to Buenos Aires to witness that vibrant sporting event that I don’t give a shit about. “Superclásico” is apparently a strong contender for the Oscars. And it’s got everything that makes Argentina grand: tango, football, taxis, men yelling like angry Italians and of course, armed robberies. How delightfully mischievous!

• There’s nationwide outrage and the social networks are on fire today after Pagina 12‘s cartoonist Gustavo Sala had the brilliant idea of making fun of the Holocaust and drew Jewish prisoners paling around with Hitler and dancing to the beat of “David Guetto.” There’s even a part in which Hitler says that it’s good to see them dancing because “soap feels a lot better afterwards.” So now Sala has apologized saying he was just trying to poke fun of “Jewish stereotypes” (uh?), but people are still claiming for his head on a pike.  See? And you were complaining about my “for-Guetta-ble” joke.

• The ratings of our non-favorite reality show Soñando por Bailar 2 (Dancing for a Dream 2) continue to rise as producers keep exploiting the misadventures of dangerously-insane contestant Mariano de la Canal, a chubby fiend who rose to ephemeral fame after his unhealthy obsession for current housewife and former blowjob queen (no joke) Wanda Nara was televised before millions of people. Just like that he went from creepy celebrity stalker to cute ugly-guy-in-love, and since he is a clearly disturbed individual, the powers that be found the perfect place for him: a reality show, of course! So now you have a mentally unstable – and potential serial killer-  contestant running around an isolated farm that barely gets any cell phone reception and is filled with hot girls giggling in their bikinis. Sounds more like Friday the 13th, doesn’t it. Well, when he finally grabs a machete and a hockey mask and starts offing people, I’ll let you know. For now, here’s a video of him allegedly fainting on live television after one of his many freakouts.

• Meanwhile, and even though many are wondering why it’s still on the air, Big Brother may have caught a break after this week (finally!) two people had sex. It was simple: two of the contestants who became romantically involved in the game asked the production team for a night “alone” (heh) in the small house located right next to the main house. The network, desperate for anything controversial that may help their decadent ratings reach a double digit number, said “yes please, fuck like it’s the end of the world.” And boy, they did! Wait for the 3:17 mark to go “Holy shit! They showed that on television?!” Yes. Yes they did.

• Hey! Stop being such a dramatic prude. These are two people in heat engaged in a beautiful act of love. At least the show isn’t like its Brazilian perverted cousin, Big Brother Brazil, where last week they removed one of the contestants from the house after accusations surfaced that he had raped a fellow housemate. See what I mean? It’s all about perspective.

• Some guy from Real Madrid I never heard of (he apparently goes by the ridiculous name “Pepe”), decided it would be a neat idea to stomp on the hand of sport’s wunderkind Lionel Messi. For those in the Maradonian Church, this offense is the football equivalent of drawing a cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad and then spiting on it. “Pepe” is gonna be stoned to death, is what I’m trying to say.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday again!

And you’re still on vacation mode, so you don’t care much about anything, do you.

You’re like “January is a slow month, man” and stuff. Chances are you’re not even reading this, so I don’t know why I even bother.

Anyway, to the two weirdos that will be checking this for who knows what obscure reasons, this is what you need to know.

Freaks.

• 

  Thyroid cancer. Not to be confused with non-thyroid cancer. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Great news Kirchnerites and other people! After undergoing thyroid surgery and having all regional leaders worried about her well being, it turns out that President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner never had cancer! Yay! Her initial diagnosis was what apparently doctors call “a false positive” (which is bullshit for “covering our asses for malpractice”), and she was told she had cancer even though she didn’t. Oh no, it’s totally common. Happens to like 2% of the population, even though according to local hospitals (and Fox News-esque newspaper Clarín) it has never happened to anyone  in the history of humanity. So was this all a ruse to help the President score some sympathy points by politically exploiting a disease? Maybe. I don’t care.

• Oh, but I do want to see Venezuelan Entertainer-in-Chief Hugo Chávez swallowing his words.

• Remember the missing mayor from Río Negro? Well, it turns out the Chupacabra wasn’t the culprit after all, which I must admit is kind of a let down. He’s fine! He just had a major freak out and panicked! Oh, please don’t judge. I’d like to see you handling the pressure that comes with being the mayor of Catriel (Population: 5).

• Good news: while your home country is entering the Third World club, Latin America’s employment levels are growing steadily. Granted, the pay is shit, but at least after saving money for a couple of years you can buy an iPad.

• Bad news: Sorry, no. You can’t.

• City Mayor Mauricio Macri is involved in yet another scandal, this time after an NGO accused his campaign of receiving money from a donor who happens to be a pimp and is involved in human trafficking. Look, he even has a photo with the guy, who looks like a fat, unkempt version of this villain from the Harry Potter movies who totally looks like a pimp.

• If you’re planning on going downtown and taking a stroll down Florida street, make sure you notice the full-blown war going on there between store owners and the street peddlers who are now pissed off that the police banned them from placing their mats and selling their crap on the street. Now, I understand tourists may buy their bracelets and hand-made mates. But the crazy tomato? The orgasmatron? Really?

• The mayor of the capital of Corrientes (another one of those provinces you probably never visited and probably never will) is facing a shitstorm right now after news broke that, as a “tourist activity”, City Hall  had sponsored a contest in which guys voted for the hottest piece of ass out there. “La cola del verano,” loosely translated as “the butt of the summer,” had to be canceled after protesters (and the media) said it was demeaning to women.  Fortunately we still have the same contests in Pinamar and Mar del Plata everyday, which are sponsored by corporations, not the Government, so the media and population are OK with them.

• Did you enjoy riding the Subte for free this week? If not, today is your last
  

  I will bet you a million dollars that you've never been to the E Line's Jose Moreno station. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  day! Hurry up! Ever wanted to ride all the way until the end of the E Line to see if there’s actually people living there or if it’s just jungle? This is your chance! Go nuts!

• Sad stuff, really.

It’s Friday again!

And are you- agh, what’s the point? You’re either in Pinamar, Punta del Este, your home country or some other boring place and you don’t give a shit about any of the things I have to say.

“I’m on vacation so I don’t need to keep up with what’s going on!” you are probably saying.

Well, fuck you.

And you better not complain later about not understanding current events. I did all I could, and yet you chose to abandon me.

This is what you needed to know, but completely ignored:

• 

  Say goodbye to the Subte kids! It's for rich spoiled students and hipsters now. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner had thyroid surgery two days ago in order to have a cancerous tumor removed. Despite the media circus involving Government officials standing on stage and solemnly announcing that “everything is ok” every 24 hours while idiots cheer in the back, let me just say that the surgery went fine and she’ll be back on her feet in no time. In the meantime Vice-President Amado Boudou is acting president so no monkey business.

• Man, does Río Negro have a PR problem right now! You know, Río Negro? That province you probably never cared about even though it contains extremely popular tourist destinations like Bariloche and the Cerro Catedral and the Las Leñas ski resorts. The recently jinxed province, which had somehow managed to stay off the scandal radar has had four shocking, major seemingly unrelated incidents that have the entire Argentine population wondering what the fuck is going on in there:

• On January 1st, a few hours after celebrating the arrival of the new year, news outlets broke the shocking news that the governor of the province, recently-elected Carlos Soria, had been shot in the face and killed by his wife in their bedroom during a confusing “domestic accident.” Details are still sketchy about the nature of the fight and all we know is that the wife is the only suspect in the murder and is currently under suicide watch. This is the third death of a high-ranking Government official in the last two weeks under strange circumstances, and something is starting to smell bad.

• Two hours after the strange murder, the mayor of Catriel, a town also located in Río Negro, went missing. Vanished into thin air. Poof! He was nowhere to be found, and even though authorities combed the area for two days, the guy just wouldn’t show up. Even more unsettling was a mysterious text message he sent his wife a few hours after disappearing that read “estoy” (“I am”). So everyone was going crazy, saying that it was the Rapture, the end of times, that people had begun disappearing (just like the Bible says will happen), and others were saying he was probably “just hiking the Appalachian trail.” But the excitement about the imminent arrival of the End of Times soon evaporated when the mayor was found alive and kicking in Santa Cruz, of all places. What he was doing and why he disappeared is mysteriously being kept under wraps. Not that we care, anyway.

• Río Negro, not content with being a total attention whore by now, also decided it would be a great idea to scare tourists even more by abducting a 49-year old German guy who was travelling in the Laguna Azul area. The man, who remained missing until yesterday, was found “exhausted but in good state.” Apparently the guy had just wandered off and got lost. Which is great news, since I totally suspected aliens.

• And of course, let’s not forget the ordeal that this Australian girl went through also in Río Negro last week, when authorities first announced she had been raped, but later upgraded her status to un-raped. I’m telling you, either that place is cursed or this is the worst case of guerrilla marketing in like, ever.

• Remember when a few weeks ago the taxi rates went up and I told you to start taking the subway? Well scratch that! It seems it’s gonna have to be the bus. Starting today, the subway fare costs $2.50 pesos, a 127% increase from the $1.10 pesos that it used to cost. In short, the National Government has transferred the management of the Subte services to the City, and the City doesn’t have enough money to continue subsidizing it, so it has to basically doubled its price. Time to dust off that bike of yours! It’s gonna be a loooooong summer, I tell ya.

• In other news: it’s official, we’re in Hell.
  

  The streets of Buenos Aires currently feel like you're being submerged in a bowl of boiling hot water while funny-looking devils poke you in the face with a spear. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• You know how you, since you come from the first world where everything is done by robots, money no longer exists and everyone is happy, are always judging the Argentine society in silence but with airs of superiority and going *tsk tsk* with your head whenever you see something that is culturally different? Well this time you may have a point, especially if you were going “*tsk tsk*” at the idiots who like to ride on the roof of (or with half of their bodies hanging from) the train. Eight people ended up getting seriously injured after falling from a moving train in Palermo on Wednesday. One of them lost his leg. Tragic, but it was bound to happen.

• My colleagues from the media, otherwise know as “vultures”, were soon to arrive at the scene of the accident, and while interviewing a passenger who was riding that train, the entire country was able to witness on live television the absolute and unashamed lack of first-aid skills and interest in the community of the local police. Please watch this video after reading this because it’s either funny or sad, depending on how mean of a person you are. Not only the person being interviewed faints and falls into the asphalt like a sack of potatoes, but the media and the police just stand there, looking at her, going “Hmm. She would appear to have fainted…”. As seconds go by and no one comes to assist her, the news anchors begin to yell at the correspondent, urging her to tell the police to help the sick woman. “At least check her pulse, for Christ’s sake!” Their response? Sticking a lollipop in her mouth. But since she’s probably already dead, they leave it on her chest. The lollipop falls on the asphalt and gets all kinds of bacteria from all the dog shit, cigarette butts and spit covering the city streets but they go “still good man!” and place it on her chest again so she has something to suck on when she wakes up, even though she may catch some horrible bacterial infection and die in three days. “Who’s the asshole that left a lollipop over her chest?!” one of the news anchors says. Buenos Aires’ finest indeed.

• Supreme ruler of the world’s privacy and connoisseur of all of our dirty secrets Mark Zuckerberg decided to take some time off from playing with “The Facebook” and fly to Punta del Este to spend a few days yelling at strangers from his bedroom window.  And since Argentines consider Punta to be practically theirs (even though it’s in Uruguay) they’re all “did you now Mark (they call him “Mark”) chose Punta to rest? That’s so cool and stuff!” It is, until you learn that on top of spying on your profile preferences, he’s also a demanding little bitch.

• Great news, everyone! Now that foreign corporations have realized that Argentina is profitable again, these kind-hearted people (after all, they are people, according to the US Supreme Court) have decided to make the sacrifice of returning to the country more than a decade after getting away from the sinking ship before it went completely under water. So, now that the crisis is gone and everyone they fired back in the 90′s is probably dead, they are coming back with a vengeance. We’re still waiting for Pizza Hut to open so we can get some of that cheese-injected crust (Yum! That doesn’t look disgusting at all!), but in the meantime, Wendy’s just opened its doors in Belgrano! So let’s all go clog our arteries with their cholesterol-y and fucking delicious cheeseburgers. Because we only live once. Except for James Bond. He lives twice, apparently.

• And let’s not forget KFC is also landing in Buenos Aires this year! Can’t wait for this baby to go down into my stomach. Hmmmm! Instant pleasure. And death.

• Oh, and now this is happening in Argentina. I’m telling you, it’s either the Rapture of those fucking Mayans have been right all along. I know you don’t believe me now, but when the fabric of the universe begins tearing itself up, creating a quantum paradox in the space-time continuum that causes it to regurgitate itself into a big puddle of protoplasmic goo, I’m sure you’ll go “you know what? I think Adrian was right.” Word!

• But not all is grim in Argieland, since it seems Big Brother is doing really, really, really bad in the ratings and the Telefe network is now desperate. It’s so fucking bad that the host, television superstar Jorge Rial, has quit after three seasons of doing the superb job of beating that dead horse to a pulp. And in the middle of the season! So now producers have been left scrambling to find a suitable face that has the power of magically attracting Argentine viewers who seem to have finally come to their senses and stopped watching this vomited hairball of a show. Don’t worry, I’m sure all the contestants will have no trouble finding a new job that suits them. Like cashiers at Wal-Mart or extras in some brazilian porn movie. Best of luck to all of you!

• And since 2012 is poised on being a tragic year, the Dakar Rally has also taken its toll. So far there’s been one racer killed, a father and son who were following the race from the air also died after their plane crashed, a racer was found in a coma and the idiot who sold his only apartment to enter the race lost in like three days after a truck run over his bike. So he’s now homeless and still a loser.

It’s Friday again!

And it’s New Year’s Eve tomorrow!

Have you already made a reservation in some overrated Palermo Soho restaurant that charges 500 dollars for some crappy NYE dinner because they know that the people making the reservations are all gonna be foreigners?

Or maybe you’ve decided to spend the night with your other lonely expats friends in order to create a de facto support group that will keep you from admitting to yourself that you would have otherwise spent the countdown to midnight by yourself, in your underwear and using a spoon to eat straight from a can of peas.

Or perhaps you took the easy (ie: coward) way out and used all of your savings to fly back to [insert here name of whatever country your parents are living in] in order to avoid acknowledging the sad fact that we’re all alone in this world.

Whatever the case may be, it’s gonna be nothing like Hollywood’s latest brain fart rom-com “New Year’s Eve.”

Which is good, because that movie sucks.

Jon Bon Jovi? Sarah Jessica Parker? Really, Hollywood? It’s like you’re not even trying anymore.

Why not throw in some of the guys from Twilight, just to make it more horrible?

No? OK.

This is what you need to know:

No, wait! There was no Weekly News Roundup last week, so here’s everything that I should have written about last week but was too lazy to do so:

• 

  Stupid, boring Buenos Aires has no place where people get together for a countdown/ to watch fireworks so here's a photo of New Year's Eve in Paris to make you feel miserable. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Last December 20th. marked the tenth anniversary of the worst financial crisis in Argentina’s history.  Hard to believe that the country looked like this only ten years ago, but it did. A lot of people died, and the nation spiraled into a bottomless pit of despair (and yes, I know some of you don’t give a shit about this “stuff” because it took place before you came here, but please, do me a favor and FUCKING READ ABOUT IT. At least watch that video I just linked the word “this” to. Please?). Anyway, the reason for this whole post is that several social organizations decided to stage a protest or something against the anniversary. How is that supposed to make sense, I have no idea. But they did. And they thought burning down the big ass Christmas tree on the Plaza de Mayo would make a huge statement. And it did.  Everyone pretty much thought they were assholes. So here, look at this video of the burning tree. It’s sad, really. It’s almost as if you could hear the spirit of Christmas shrieking in horror as it is engulfed by flames and covered in cheap, melting plastic.

• Inflation is taking it’s toll, and it ain’t pretty.

• Five trillion people tuned in for the finale of Dancing With The Stars last week. So as you can see in this video it was all excitement as the two final couples, and the rest of the planet, were chewing off their nails a few seconds before the final result was announced. Only problem was some stupid intern (who I’m sure has been shipped off to Guantanamo by now) was managing the network’s official Twitter account and accidentally tweeted the identity of the winner five minutes before it was revealed on live television. Oops!

• This fuckery is still going on. Difference now is that even The Guardian is on Argentina’s side.

• Congress finally passed a controversial Anti-terrorist Law that has everyone up in arms, specially because it was drafted by the President’s party, who is supposed to be all for human rights and freedom of speech. The new law states that social unrest (such as a protest) can be considered “terrorism.” Can you imagine? Considering there’s like 50 protests every day here, by 2013 half of the Argentine population will be sharing a cell in Guantanamo with the intern from Dancing With The Stars.

• So… this is kind of an awkward story, but what the hell. Sub-secretary of Foreign Trade and President Fernández de Kirchner’s golden boy Ivan Heyn flew with her to Montevideo last week to attend a Mercosur summit. When he failed to attend a meeting, his peers went to his hotel room and found him dead, naked with his belt around his neck. And even though everything suggested suicide,  forensic investigators ruled that the cased was “an accidental death.” It appears Heyn was into auto-erotic asphyxiation and he couldn’t regain consciousness after passing out.

• See? How many times have I told you kids? If you’re into that kinky shit make sure there’s an adult in the room! Otherwise you end up like David Carradine. And no, I don’t mean a washed-up TV star. I mean dead.

• Yes, even I found that to be in poor taste. I apologize.

•  First, the bad news: President Fernández de Kirchner has been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She will undergo surgery on January 4th and will take a leave of absence until January 24th, when she resumes her activities. She is expected to make a full recovery since the tumor was found during an early stage.

• Worse news: for twenty days, this guy is going to be President.

• Worst news: We all knew it was coming, so no surprise there. Full-time president of Venezuela and part-time scary clown Hugo Chávez said it was “very strange” that many Latin American leaders had all been recently diagnosed with cancer and suggested that maybe the US had developed some technology to induce cancer on others. Yes. Really. He said that. Here, check it out.

• Remember that really, really bad movie “Snakes on a plane“? If you do
  

  Don't ask me how, but apparently this horrible six-year old movie is based on something that happened in Argentina three weeks ago. True story! (Photo/Wikipedia)

  you should be ashamed of yourself. Because no one in the history of the world should ever remember that movie, let alone buy it. But you know what’s even worse than remembering that movie? Trying to actually imitate it. It’s hard to think that such a piece of shitty film making should come with a “do not try this at home” warning, but it looks like 51-year old Karel Avelovsky could have used the advise since he was caught at the Ezeiza airport trying to board a plane while carrying a suitcase with over 250 live snakes and insects inside. The global media, of course, tried to be original despite the fact that it’s not, and every major newspaper in the world ran with the “snakes on a plane!” headline. Shut up, global media.

• To continue with the theme of “suspicious deaths of government officials in nearby countries,” a recently appointed Argentine consul in Bolivia was also found dead in the small border town of Yacuiba. Although preliminary forensic reports indicated that he had decided to hang himself, it was later revealed that this could be some sort of message from the Bolivian organized crime. I guess it’s a bad time to be a Government official, no? Not that you care about any of this.

• And since we’re talking about people unwittingly killing themselves, here’s this guy who on Christmas Eve had the brilliant idea of putting some fireworks in his mouth. He died, in case I wasn’t clear. Jesus, what is wrong with you people!? If you wanna fuck around with fireworks just stick them up your ass, like normal stupid people do!

• Great news people! The City Government has launched an online map of the city that provides real-time information on roadblocks and social protests. Even greater news is most of us don’t even own a car in the first place so we don’t need it. Yay, us!

• You may have noticed there wasn’t anything on the twin turds from hell, Big Brother and Soñando por Bailar 2. Which is great, because it means no one gives a shit.

And to all of you expats who decided to leave the comfort of your home country and move to such a fascinating place like Argentina, no matter whether it’s temporary or definitely, let me tell you that you have my fucking respect.

Not many people have the courage to do what you do, and you  should be proud of yourselves for deciding to move to a country you love to hate and hate to love.

So raise your glass to that, bitches.

Have a great 2012 everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And don’t get too excited. I’m on vacation kids!

Me. No, really! Those are actually my feet! So yeah. Fuck you, Wikipedia.

So like I said last week, no Weekly News Roundup today.

I know I said I wouldn’t write anything, but who am I kidding, I love the attention.

Don’t worry though, I’m very much in touch with what’s happened this week and you’ll be able to read all about it next week, when you’ll learn about (spoilers ahead):

• The assholes who literally lit up the Christmas Tree.

• The mysterious death/suicide of a high-ranking economic advisor, and the rumors surrounding it.

• Lionel Messi’s failed roadtrip.

• Big Brother’s bleak future.

• The finale of Dancing With The Stars and a producer’s faux pas that pretty much ruined the ending for the entire country.

• The passing of several controversial bills, such as the anti-terrorist bill and the newsprint bill, that make you think this country is close to becoming Venezuela, but trust me, it’s not.

• The coming war with England over some piece of shit land.

So come back next Friday for some juicy news that will be totally old and irrelevant by the time you read them. But I’m sure that as you read them, you’ll go: “Wait… that really happened?”

Have a great Christmas/Hanukkah/Christmukkah/Festivus!

Oh, and no hate mail or Christmas e-cards. They’re all going straight to junk mail.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And I’m going away for the holidays so I have to pack and stuff. I’m pressed for time, is what I’m trying to say. I’m also trying to say that there’s not gonna be a Weekly News Roundup next Friday because I’ll be lying on a beach somewhere.

Shut up! I’m a normal person with feelings and if you get to go away for the holidays I get to go away too!

This is what you need to know, read it and leave me alone:

• 

  Happier times: President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and Hugo Moyano back when they were friends. Also back when her face looked suspiciously different. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  First, the obvious: President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was sworn-in last Saturday, and boy, was she in a bitchy mood at first (in her defense, she was missing her husband, so I guess she had every right to be sad). Now, you have the choice to watch the You Tube version of the inauguration which is six hours long (that’s like watching Titanic two times or Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix three times! How crazy is that, huh?) or you can read the shortened version here, which will probably focus on all the irrelevant shit that took place instead of the important parts of her speech, like when she blasted corporations and media conglomerates while she vowed to continue to focus on social issues and domestic industry in order to keep the local economy growing.

• See what I just did there? I just fed you information and you didn’t even notice it. Now you know what the major talking points of her speech were, and that makes you a smarter person. Your welcome.

• Now on to the “irrelevant shit” part!

• Of course, her nemesis Vice-President Julio Cobos was there (as the Constitution demands) and everyone was like “awkwaaaaard…!” but fortunately she didn’t slap him or anything. She just shook his hand without even looking at him, and then when it was time for her to be awarded the presidential sash, it was her daughter Lady Gaga Florencia Kirchner who gave it to her, instead of the outgoing Vice-President (as protocol dictates), who was just standing behind her, applauding and going like “God, kill me now.” By the way, isn’t her daughter kinda hot? I think she’s kinda hot.

• While the President was addressing Congress, a loud alarm went off in the Lower House floor and she was forced to interrupt the speech. Since Chilean president Sebastián Piñera was present (and we all know he’s bad luck) everyone probably went “Shit! Tsunami or Earthquake or World War III! Run!” Cristina, confused at first, suddenly realized that the man sitting right next to her, the new head of the Lower House Julián Dominguez, had casually leaned on his desk and unwittingly activated the House’s buzzer, used to let lawmakers know that they must take their seats. “Cobos never did this to me!” she said while laughing, although I’m sure she was thinking of later having him assassinated.

• Did you think it was only the US and the UK that use terrorism as an excuse to anything? Haha, silly you! Welcome to Argentina. This anti-terrorism bill that is about to be passed in Congress says that anyone (business leaders) responsible for creating panic in the banking or financial sectors can be arrested for being considered a terrorist. Don’t worry though, the bill also says that al-Qaeda is bad, so I guess it evens it out.

• Union boss Hugo Moyano (probably the most powerful man in the country) has had it with the President. Because how dare she refuse to do what he says! (No, really) So he staged a rally before 80,000 people yesterday to warn that he was not going to back down from his claims and assured that “the only Peronist government that ever existed was that of Juan Perón.” I know you probably have no idea what I’m talking about, but A) It’s your fault. You should read more about local history, and B) Trust me, it’s not good. This is a guy all governments have to be friends with unless they want massive strikes and nationwide revolts. You know, like in any democracy.

• Great news everyone! The Lower House has passed the controversial Newprint Bill and has now sent it to a Senate committee, which will evaluate it whether it should be sent to the Senate floor for debate. If passed, it will grant the Government with almost absolute control over newsprint production. Many are saying that this may actually affect freedom of speech, since the Government will have the power to decide if a newspaper is “worthy” of being a client, but it’s mostly a slap in the face to giant newspapers Clarin and La Nacion (both anti-Kirchnerite), which until now hold a majority of shares in Papel Prensa, a newsprint company that currently owns a 75% of the market. At least it’s a good move for the President who I feel is in desperate need of a successful move after the Blackberry, 3-D screens and “books made-in-Argentina” fiascos. We all know that people still buy newspapers and – OH, COME ON!!!

• Uruguay may be a small country that you only care about because of Colonia and Punta del Este even though you initially thought those places were in Argentina, but that doesn’t mean you can mess with the little guy! This week Uruguayan president José Mujica announced that no more British ships headed to the Malvinas/Falklands would be allowed to dock in the country unless they had a special permit. So now the Brits and the Uruguayan opposition are up in arms because of this. And guess what? Me too. I’m sick of this. Come on Brits, just give them back. Please? Agh.

• In case all the holidays we’ve had this year were not enough, the
  

  Juan Perón, the only true democratic president in the history of the universe. He also liked the Nazis. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Government has announced FOUR MORE FUCKING HOLIDAYS. That’s right, FOUR! December 23rd., 26th., and 30th. as well as January 2nd. are now holidays for the public and banking sector. So two more long weekends! Too bad the stupid, alienating private sector said “Nein!” to joining the move. Those capitalist pigs…

• People continue to be gay for Néstor Kirchner, Part 2: Marathon man runs while holding pro-Kirchner placard.

• Woman meets older guy. Woman dates older guy. Older guy eventually rapes woman. Woman presses charges against older guy. Police arrest older guy. Older guy is sent to jail. Woman has a change of heart, decides to forgive older guy. Woman begs judge to drop charges against older guy. Court rules in favor. Older guy is released. Woman marries older guy. A week later, older guy murders woman by stabbing her 15 times in the chest and beheading her in front of her 3-year old son. Court goes “Oh-oh.”

• Apple’s iTunes service finally launched in Latin America. Guess what: no one gives a shit. Eight years too late man! While you were losing time figuring stuff out, people here were getting impatient and in the end didn’t feel like waiting anymore so they chose piracy. Not that I’m condoning it or anything. “Don’t sue me”, is what I’m trying to say here.

• You know how in those hot summer days you go into the subte on rush hour and you get to ride like cattle and there’s no oxygen and you lift your head above the crowd in order to grasp for air and some tall guy ruins it for you because he’s breathing down on your face while some big sweaty guy’s armpit is next to your nose and you’re like “Geez…this place is on fire!” Yeah, well, this time it was. Literally!

• Remember how a few weeks ago I told you that if you hop on a bus and for some reason the SUBE-card reader is not working you get to ride for free? Well that’s what this poor 50-year old man tried to do, only that the bus driver decided that instead of letting him ride for free, he deserved to be beaten up. So he called a couple of his driver buddies and kicked his ass because he refused to get off the bus. Let it serve as a cautionary tale to you kids. Never, ever, ever trust anything I say.

• Even though it was Tuesday the 13ththis week (the Latin version of
  

  Jason Voorhees. Not a big deal after all. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Friday the 13th.) it still was a bad week for Jason Voorhees. A mall in Rosario was celebrating the grand opening of some scary ride for children, so a few people were hired to scare a few children to death. They showed up in some lame Freddy Krueger and Jason costumes, and since their outfits were more lame than scary, the guy dressed up as Jason had the brilliant idea of bringing a real chainsaw into the mall (as in “a REAL fucking chainsaw”) to play with the kids. So as you can imagine, some parents were not happy to see some idiot chasing their 5-year olds with a real chainsaw and they decided to beat them up. I will pay a million dollars* for anyone getting any kind of video footage from the incident.

• Also, he totally deserved to have his ass kicked. Everyone knows Jason Voorhees uses a machete to murder his victims. Leatherface, from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, is the one with the chainsaw. Amateurs.

• This week, in the sour-smelling pigsty that is the house of Big Brother: a girl is taught by the rest how to use her mouth to put a condom on a banana. See? And people say this show doesn’t teach children anything. Too bad even children find this crap painfully boring.

• Remember last season’s craptastic “Soñando por Bailar“? That hilariously terrifying reality show that featured contestants/dancers who looked to win a chance to star in the local version of Dancing With The Stars? Well, it’s back! And it’s worse than ever this year. This time they picked some random chubby kid no one ever heard of, and decided it would be fun to have everyone pick on him for no reason. So get ready to see a lot of his crying and fighting. Fifteen minutes of fame, fifteen years of psychiatric help.

• Did you watch the “fighting” video? Seriously, if this is all staged, if this chubby kid is actually an actor and the whole thing is scripted, man is he bad.

• Aaaaaaaand the spiraling-down begins: former football deity and future infidel Diego Armando Maradona has been suspended as the coach of the Al Wasl team in Dubai after he got in a fight with a colleague from another team. He won’t be able to coach for the next three games. God, I can’t wait for him to get a tattoo with the face of the Prophet Mohammed so a fatwa is finally issued on his ass and he’s beheaded in Dubai’s town square deported.

Have a great weekend everyone!

* No, I will not pay a million dollars. Who the fuck do you think I am?

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono