It’s Friday again!

Although I’m pretty sure for you it’s Saturday. Or Sunday. Or even Monday!

Because unless you’re one of those hardcore fans who religiously read this every Friday (you know who you are and I love you), you will only be reading this after you’re back from a relaxing 4-day escapade to [insert here name of tourist destination for the middle class that you think is "super fun and laid back" but when Argentines think of it they go: "It's OK, I guess."].

So if by the time you’re reading this column you realize everything here is old news, blame yourselves.

Also, once again I didn’t get to go anywhere so I’m still bitter.

Have fun dealing with traffic this Sunday while trying to make it back to BA, douchebags!

Anyway, this is what you needed to know by Friday but it’s totally pointless to read now:

• 

  If you don't care about politics (you don't), you may want to avoid the Plaza de Mayo on Saturday (Photo/Wikipedia).

  Let’s all raise our glasses to our beloved President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, who begins her second term tomorrow after a swearing-in ceremony in Congress. Popularly know as “Cristina,” she is despised by women and loved by men with twisted masturbatory fantasies (yeah, that’s right. I went there). So here’s to four more years of mocking the rest of the world for as long as the global crisis doesn’t affect any of us! And if that happens, well just go back to blaming the whole thing on the US, Europe, the CIA, the IMF and the lizard people. Because that’s just the way it is.

• Also, the Government announced that all subway and train services in the City would be free of charge tomorrow, so “all citizens can celebrate a new anniversary of democracy” (meaning they can all go to Plaza de Mayo for free to shake their pretty little Argentine flags at the President after she takes office). So why not take a ride for free and go the opposite way? Come on, stick it to the man! Take the Subte and venture yourself into the mysteries of the yellow H Line, which I’m sure you have never even come close to riding. Grab your compass, your knife and dwell into the exotic passages of the Constitución and Once train stations, two neighborhoods filled with excitement and danger for any adventurous foreigner. Or, you can also stay home watching TV because you don’t give a shit. Your choice.

• The new Cabinet was unveiled this week, with only a few changes announced. I could go into explaining who’s who and showing you photos of each of the new ministers, but I know you have got a short attention span and feel that no matter how detailed my explanation, you’re not gonna give a shit and skip this whole part altogether. So let me just say that despite the changes being made, the new staff is very much in line with the one they are replacing, which suggests that the President’s policies will remain on course. See? That wasn’t so hard. You almost didn’t even have to think! And now you can go debate politics and current events with your local friends because “you pretty much get it.”

• By the way, the new Economy Minister is Hernan Lorenzino, a guy whose hair rivals Donald Trump’s and suits rival Willy Wonka’s. This is gonna be fun! (Not as fun as with his predecessor and current Vice-President-elect Amado Boudou, but oh well).

• See what I just did there? I used that photo with Boudou playing guitar in his underwear, like I said I would last week. I’m a menace!

• Also in politics (yes, don’t roll your eyes at me), the newly elected lawmakers were swore-in on the Lower House floor this week in a little too-festive ceremony, if you know what I mean. You don’t. OK. See, the La Campora boys (an ultra-Kirchnerite youth organization with anger management issues that considers itself entitled to yell and intimidate whoever disagrees with them, all in the name of democracy) were there and they made the lives of everyone not affiliated to their party a living hell.  And they seemed to have some special animosity towards lawmaker Victoria Donda, a young human rights activist who is known for being the daughter of a “disappeared” woman, and also because of her ginormous boobs. So of course, when she showed up at the ceremony wearing a controversial cocktail dress, the La Campora boys went crazy with lust and chose the yell “trola” (slut) at her when she was being sworn-in. Because nothing says “progress” like yelling misogynist slurs at a big-breasted woman.

• After some extenuating debate this week, the City Legislature managed to pass a bill that deems the manteros illegal. Which means that soon enough you will be able to walk freely all over Florida street without the fear of stepping on someone’s head. Don’t worry though! They are being relocated to some place where no one will be bothered by them. “But how will they sell their stuff?” you say? “Not our problem!” says everyone else.

•  Unfortunately the same bill also says that the so-called “trapitos” (or parking thugs who ask for money to “look after” your car when you park it somewhere) will now be regulated and their activity legalized. Which means they will now be able to legally demand money from you. The good news is you probably don’t have a car, so whatevs!

• Starting next Monday, there’s a new $2 peso coin that suspiciously looks like the $1 peso coin. Don’t get them mixed up and shit.

• Time to Ocuppy Salta! Let’s say you’re a teacher at a kindergarten and some parents owe you $150 pesos in school fees but they refuse to pay, maybe because they are poor or some other stupid excuse. The point is that that money is your hard-earned money and no socialist parent is going to take it away from you. So how do you make them pay? By taking it out on their three-year old daughter of course! This is what a teacher in Salta did, after she pinned a debt notice for $150 pesos on the little girl’s clothes and sent her home like that, shaming her in front of her classmates. Fortunately the media (that’s us!) was outraged and the story got so big that the government decided to shut down the school after learning it didn’t have a legal permit to function. Oops!

• This whole thing has become so repetitive I’m not even gonna talk about
  

  Off topic: here's the totally gay portrait of Nestor Kirchner that Hugo Chavez painted last week. It wasn't available at the time I published last Friday's column, but now it is. So here, laugh. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  it. You either go to war or you don’t. Period.

• Man, it sucks to work at the Subte B line. This has got to be the most ridiculous first world pain I ever heard.

•  Popular rock singer Celeste Carballo was in the news this week to denounce that someone had broken into her house this week and STOLEN A FREAKING PIANO while she was sleeping. Jesus, what did she take before going to bed, horse tranquilizer? (In her defense, I have to say it was an electric piano and it was in her car, but for comedic value I will take a journalistic license and say it was one of those big heavy Steinway pianos). Also, you think it wouldn’t be possible for something like that to happen in Argentina? I should remind you that it was only a few years ago that one of George W. Bush’s daughters had her purse stolen while she was sipping a cold beer in San Telmo, and there was nothing the Secret Service could do about it because they never noticed anything out of the ordinary.

• Also, believe it or not, her cell phone, which was inside her purse, turned up a few days afterwards for sale on mercadolibre.com. No, it’s not a joke. You gotta love this country.

•  This week, in the fresh, steamy load of elephant shit that is Argentina’s version of Big Brother: OK, now you can see that they’re getting desperate. Sex didn’t help. Slutty gay twins didn’t help. And more sex didn’t help! So what do you do when you’re craving for ratings? That’s right, you get a horse! The Simpsons did it. Family Guy did it. Even that crappy new show Two Broke Girls did it! And now Big Brother has a horse walking around and eating plastic pine trees all day. Isn’t that, like, super fun to watch and stuff? Hey, at least it wasn’t like in 2001, when during the first edition of Big Brother Argentina they sent in then-drug-addict Diego Maradona, who first delighted the contestants with one of his stupid football tricks and then casually dropped a bag of coke on the floor so everyone could have fun. Don’t believe me? Check the video and look closely at 1:59! He even says “Don’t rat me out, guys!” when all the other brain dead guinea pigs start celebrating that he sneaked in some drugs. Ahhhh, we lived in simpler times back then.

• Speaking of washed up football players who used to look like Stay-puft, Diego Maradona (you totally saw that one coming, did you) is crying foul in Dubai and assures that the reason why the team he’s coaching still sucks is because “there’s a conspiracy against them.” Right. As usual, it’s the world trying to destroy you, you poor, knowledgeable hard-working man. It’s not the drugs, the alcohol, the endless partying in the 90′s or the fact that you suck at coaching anything. Yeah, no. It’s the referees who are out to get you. Idiot.

• Finally!! After being oppressed by the tyranny of fate for far too long (2008), Boca Juniors fans saw the effort of a lifetime come to fruition when their beloved football team managed to win the Apertura Tournament for like the 20th time or whatever. And there they went, crying and chanting and losing their voices like they hadn’t done in a long time (since 2008). Because it was about time that their team was once again recognized for what it really is: an over payed gang of athletes who predictably win time after time while their followers falsely choose to believe they are in the constant peril of being relegated to the National B, in a sport-industrial complex that hasn’t cared about the actual game for decades and only thinks about raking in millions of dollars while pretending to condemn the actions of hooligans and their mischievous activities. Fuck football.

Hope you had a great weekend, everyone!

Or not.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

How was Mar del Plata last weekend?

Did you just recoil and go “Oh my God, how did he know!”? I’ll tell you how I know: you are the quintessential expat, and that makes you predictable.

Also, I didn’t get to go anywhere, so I’m bitter.

There.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, this is what you need to know:

• 

  It never gets boring when this guy is around. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  While President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was in Venezuela to sign some important bilateral agreements with quirky-but-crazy Hugo Chávez, the Bolivarian president decided to surprise her by announcing the creation of the Nestor Kirchner room inside the Miraflores palace in honor of her late husband. Then he proceeded to unveil two oil portraits of Kirchner hand-painted by him. By then everyone was like “Uhm, ok. Gay, but whatever.” No, seriously, who does that? The only person I can think of is Leonardo Di Caprio in Titanic and we all know how that turned out. And then things just turned completely weird when he began unveiling many other photos of Kirchner that were hanging on the walls. You know those thrillers in which the main girl finally finds the killer’s hideout and discovers hundreds of pictures of his victims glued to the wall before he traps her? This is what it felt like.

• Sparks were flying between President Fernandez de Kirchner and Vice-President-elect Amado Boudou when during a video conference, she thought if would be funny to introduce him as the “concheto (snob) from Puerto Madero.” Boudou, who lives in Puerto Madero and was there to celebrate to creation of a new rotating bridge, seemed amused at first, but then seriously reminded her that “anyone in the country is allowed into the neighborhood.”  Man, the sexual tension between these two is so thick you could cut it with a dildo.

• By the way, the new rotating bridge broke today.

• And speaking of Boudou, you know how I’m always using that photo of him raping the mouth of Argentina’s future Second Lady with his tongue and you’re all like “oh, that Adrian using that hilarious photo again!” and shit? Well, not anymore! Because as of now, whenever I need to use a file photo of Argentina’s Vice-President-elect, I’m just gonna go ahead and use this one of him playing guitar drunk in his underwear.

• More people continue to be gay for Néstor Kirchner.

• Argentina continues to move in the right direction, after the Lower House passed the Gender Identity and “Dignified Death” bills. One of them allows transgender and transsexual citizens to officially change their name and sexual identity without requiring a court order. The other allows gives patients more control over which medical treatments they wish to receive or reject after being informed of their situation. It also takes away the responsibility of the professionals who, working within the law, are faced with the patient’s decisions (or as Sarah Palin would call it, “Death Panels”). Both bills are now sent to the Senate, where they are expected to be passed. It’s a great day for equality! And death, maybe.

• The National Government has released a questionnaire that you need to answer if you want to apply for an extension of subsidies on your utility bills. Let me save you the time: you don’t quality. In fact, considering you’re probably here illegally, I would really, really recommend you stay as far away from the Government as possible.

• Man, the City Legislature was on fire last night. Literally! While legislators debated a controversial bill that that will change the system of teacher classification, angry teachers, and for some reason a bunch of extreme leftist protesters, decided to start a series of fires. Not only that, the whole scene looked like one of those epic battles seen in the Lord of the Rings movies (wait until 1:30 to see them). Especially when they tried to ram the doors down. I think some people were hurt, but if you ask me I find the whole thing hilarious.

• Oh and the bill was passed, so… tough shit.

• Speaking of teachers: this week a high school teacher gave her students a memory stick containing the files to a special assignment they needed to work on. Imagine their surprise when they noticed an additional video file that showed – you guessed it – the teacher having her brains fucked out by her boyfriend. Oops! The teacher has been suspended, even though her male students are begging for her to return. Reminded me of this for some reason.

• Hurray! Buenos Aires was voted one of South America’s best cities to live
  

  Here's a photo of Mar del Plata, for some reason. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  in! In the 2011 Quality of Life index Buenos Aires ranked 54th worldwide, which is really shitty if you think about it, but at least we can laugh at Baghdad, right? Also, the safest City in Latin America is Pointe-à-Pitre, a place you’ve never heard and probably never care to visit in your entire life.

•  Great news everyone! After millions of Argentine Twitter users suggested boycotting Telefé when they learned that the network had decided to sue Cuevana for copyright infringement, the company decided not to press charges and backed off. Yay, technocracy!

• Terrible news everyone! HBO has decided to press charges against Cuevana for copyright infringement, and you know those guys… there’s no way they are backing off. I mean, have you seen their shows? They don’t give a shit about anything. Ever! So… pretty soon no more “Modern Family” for you.

• The only other show on TV that will make your face melt like that Nazi guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark (Big Brother) is so bad that even this douchebag, who won the previous edition, is criticizing it. Remember him? He’s the woman-beater with a gambling problem that became Argentina’s sweetheart after it became clear he was a dangerous bipolar psychopath. Of course, it’s been like 6 months since he won, so by now he has already grown as a person and rambles about life, ratings and strategy as if he had a Ph. D. in philosophy and human behavior. So listen to him saying how “bad” this Big Brother edition is because “girls were jumping into beds with guys” only four days after the show began. He’s right. Back when he was playing girls lasted at least a week.

• Save the date kids! In order to commemorate the bicentennial of the creation and swearing-in of the Argentine flag, Congress passed a bill that will make Monday, February 27th, 2012 a national holiday! Another long weekend! So in total, 2012 in Argentina will have eighteen public holidays. It’s almost like living on a constant vacation! Suck on that, America! So as my personal favor to you, here’s the full list of public holidays next year, so you can keep going to Mar del Plata (in the summer) or Rosario (in the winter) and still think your life is exotic (it’s not):

• Unmovable holidays:

• January 1: New Year’s Eve (Well, that’s obvious).

• February 20, 21: Carnival (This is a joke. Really? “Carnival” is a holiday? Whatever).
• February 27: What I just told you a couple of lines above.

• March 24: Day of Memory for Truth and Justice (anniversary of Argentina’s 1976 coup d’état. No jokes allowed, unless I wanna be lynched).

• April 2: Veteran’s Day. (Joke here would be in poor taste).

• April 6: Easter.

• April 30: Easter. No wait. What? Is the other one Easter? Well I don’t know then. Something to do with Jesus.

• May 1: Labor Day. Yes, Labor Day. Shut up America! Stupid backwards country.

• May 25: May Revolution Day. Here, I Wiki’d it for you.

• June 20: Belgrano Memorial Day (Flag Day). Yes, I Wiki’d him too.

• July 9: Independence Day. If you said “Wait, that’s the 4th!” I swear to God I’ll punch you in the face.

• December 8: Birthday of the Virgin Mary. “Virgin.” Right. Moving on.

• December 24: Christmas Eve.

• December 25: Christmas.

Depending on the day they fall:

• August 17 to August 20: Jose de San Martín Memorial Day. I dunno, some dude.

• October 8 to October 12: Columbus Day, or “Respect for Cultural Diversity” Day. Whatever works for you.

• November 20 to November 26: National Sovereignty Day. No idea what that means.

So there you have them. Now print that list and stop asking me on Twitter.

• And finally: Yes, Rolling Stone Argentina, you may go ahead and steal the whole “family-friendly porn” concept that I created in this column for that brain-melting TV show called Dancing With The Stars, and totally not credit me for it. Your welcome.

It’s Friday again!

Are you ready to start having sex for money as a side job?

You better be! Unless you wanna go back to your bankrupt country. Argentina is an expensive country now, you see.

This is what you need to know before you get ready to have sex behind a dumpster.

• 

  Only rich people can take these now. This means not you. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Contrary to the US, this is a country in which conservatives are the ones who raise taxes. And boy, are they gonna do it! Last night, the City Government managed to pass a bill that will make the property tax (known as ABL) skyrocket. So chances are that whatever you’re paying for now will see a 66% increase, although in some cases it will go up 300%. So you can start adding this to the price increase you’ll see in your utility bills, now subsidies-free courtesy of the National Government.  Hey, don’t look at me, I didn’t vote for any them.

• I know that I’ve mentioned this several times but here we go again: next time you need to get back home after drinking 20 liters of Quilmes, you may have to hitchhike. Starting tomorrow, and for the 11th. time since 2003, taxis are raising their prices. When you get into a cab, it’s gonna be $7.30 from the get go and .73 cents for every 200 meters. And remember, it’s 20% higher from 10 pm to 6 am! I’m assuming by now it’s cheaper for you to move right next to your favorite bar and stay there. Although since it’s probably located in Palermo or Las Cañitas (and the property tax is gonna go through the roof there) chances are you’re fucked either way.

•  In order to disguise the fact that apparently no one in the National Government has a fucking clue about how to handle an airline, it was announced this week that Aerolineas Argentinas will stop flying to Europe, the US and Australia and focus on domestic flights. You see, the airline’s head, Mariano Recalde, said that “when people take their money to spend abroad, that hurts our country.” That terrible, questionable and shady activity that Recalde mentioned is also called tourism. You idiot.
• Also, to continue with her crusade against imported stuff (imports=evil), President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner announced that she would send a bill to Congress advocating for more locally-printed books, instead of having them brought from overseas. Which is good, considering her two previous fiascos involving Blackberries and 3-D LCD screens. I mean, you can’t go wrong with books, right? Everyone reads books and people love bu-FUUUCK!

• If you are a woman and you live in Argentina, chances are you get beat up pretty often. Hey, don’t blame us. It’s just our way of proving we’re not gay.

• Speaking of gay, are you guys ready to get fabulous (whatever that means)? Because the technicolor rainbow is hitting Buenos Aires for nine days when the New Gay Pride Fest arrives  next month. I’m not sure what the difference with the old gay pride is, but oh well. I can imagine that most of the “totally straight” douchebags who became obsessed with that gay sex video last week will also be attending, but only to make fun of the gays in the face, I’m sure.

• Have you ever desired to fly to Dubai but deemed it a too distant and exotic destination? Well, now you can make it happen! This week Fly Emirates announced that starting January 1st they would offer a daily service connecting Buenos Aires with Dubai. How exciting! You’ll be able to see the tallest building in the world, stay in that hotel that looks like a standing cockroach, and if Hollywood is any indication, the city offers adventure for thrill seekers and menopausal women alike. So why not visit their website and book a flight hmm?

• Yeah, no. Let me save you the trouble. It’s US$2500 round trip. Fuck them.

• Have you strolled down the Florida promenade lately? If you said “yes” you’re liar and you’ll burn in hell for all eternity. You can’t walk down Florida, silly! It’s been taken over by the “manteros” (illegal vendors who spread sheets over the promenade and put a bunch of crappy stuff no one needs for sale)! This of course has enraged the Florida store owners, who say their sales have gone down because the crap sold by the manteros is a lot cheaper than their crap. So now they are all up in arms and have announced that unless the City Government removes the manteros and relocates them within 30 days, they will all stop paying taxes. Look on the bright side, store owners! Taking the recent tax hike into consideration, chances are you’ll soon be spreading your sheets next to your current enemies in order to sell your crap after being closed down. See? It all works out in the end.

•  Believe it or not, the Puyehue volcano is still active, and it’s still affecting flights! Of course, the only time we remember that is whenever our flights get cancelled. When the wind blows south, nobody gives a shit about the Patagonian provinces. Because you know what they say, “if it’s not happening in BA, it’s not happening at all.” Haha. So true.

• I know you don’t listen to FM radio, but this is something that I thought you might find amusing. You may have noticed that last Monday the hashtag #nonono was trending on Twitter Argentina. The hashtag’s origin is traced back to a radio show called “Perros de la calle” that’s on every afternoon on Metro FM. Every Monday, the show does this segment called “Da para darse?” (loosely translated as “Wanna fuck?”), and it involves three callers, each having to call someone they like and making them three questions. The third question has to be “Wanna fuck?”, no matter how little they know the other person. If the other person agrees to, you know, fuck, they win. But last Monday all hell broke loose when one of the callers decided to call his cousin, and another caller decided to call his boss, ending with the most unexpected and hilarious consequences. Download the whole segment here. Oh and if you don’t speak Spanish you’re fucked.

• Former military general and probable vampire Antonio
  

  This may or may not be deceased general Antonio Bussi. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Bussi finally got what he deserved and died from a stake through the heart cardiac arrest this week. Bussi had been sentenced to life in prison after being found guilty of crimes against humanity during the last military dictatorship. He will not be missed.

• Oh, in case you haven’t heard, your favorite website in the whole world (Cuevana) is being sued for copyright infringement, so very soon no more “The Walking Dead” for you.

• This week in the family-friendly pornographic fest that has become known as Dancing with the Stars: two chicks dance semi-naked and one of them hits her head. She leaves the stage “in pain” wearing a neck brace, but when she is given a shitty score, she comes back on stage, she cries, she takes off the neck brace, has a fight with the jury and “quits the show forever.” She’ll be back next week.

• This week in the family-friendly gay pornographic fest that is Big Brother:  since the ratings keep tanking producers have decided to pull out the big guns. What do I mean by this? They decided to send into the house a couple of twin brothers! But wait, there’s a plot twist… they are gay twin brothers! Here’s a video of them explaining how they both slept with the same guy. No, you pervert, not at the same time! You and your dirty mind…

• Diego Maradona’s mother died this week and the Argentine population decided to stop hating him for a few days out of respect for the man they believe single-handedly trashed Argentina’s World Cup dreams last year. They also seemed to be more depressed than they would if their own mother died. You know that saying, “holier than the Pope”? Yeah, that.

• And finally: here’s some footage of a football match between Estudiantes and Banfield that had to be suspended after one of those primitive baboons also known as “hooligans” decided it would be “neat” to throw a bomb near the goal keeper. The police probably vowed to find the culprits and ban them from the premises for good. And, just like the girl from Dancing With The Stars, they’ll be back next week.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And before I start fucking around, let me put you up to speed on what is the biggest news of the day and will probably continue to make the headlines for several days now: a 9-year old boy from the town of Lincoln named Tomás Santillán who was reported missing on Tuesday was found dead yesterday evening. Evidence suggests that he was murdered after being hit in the head with a blunt object.

For now the only suspect is his mom’s former partner, a man who apparently didn’t get along with him. He is now in custody and authorities are trying to figure out a motive.

That is all there is to say about the case, even though the local media and their 24-hour news cycle may be trying to satisfy their thirst for sensationalism and blood lust by behaving like amoral vultures.

With the memory of the Candela Rodríguez murder case still fresh among Argentines, this is certainly not going to go away soon. Let’s just hope whoever did this is found and gets the punishment he or she deserves.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me just go back to my usual tomfoolery and being the immature, politically incorrect idiot you’ve grown to love this last year.

This is what you need to know:

State of the art 3-D glasses created last week. They are already obsolete. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was in Ushuaia this week and visited an LCD screen manufacturing plant, where she bragged about the cutting-edge technology of said screens and even tried on some new 3-D glasses which she warned “were not Chanel or Yves Saint-Laurent, or any of those brands the media says I love.” (Sidenote: you DO love those brands. Shut up Madame President). “They only weigh 16 grams and they don’t work on batteries so there’s no need to worry about recharging them,” she explained, in case you’ve never worn a pair of 3-D glasses or have been living under a rock for the last 40 years.  Also, I’d say this is a good way to redeem herself after the last Blackberry fiasco, when she presented the first Blackberry built in Argentina during the week that Blackberry services were down all over the world. At least we know that 3-D technology is on the rise and – Oh shit.

• In case you were supposed to go back to whatever country you come from this week on an Aerolíneas Argentinas flight, chances are you’re still stuck in this hell hole since most of them have been cancelled this week due to a union conflict. Look on the bright side, you could have had a Die Hard 2 situation while you were waiting at the airport. See? It’s all about perspective.

• Speaking of terrorists and airports, the Ezeiza airport police arrested an American citizen who was trying to board a plane bound for Houston, Texas while carrying a handgun, live ammo and pepper spray. What, you thought that comment I made about Die Hard 2 was a joke? You should have learned by now that I never joke.

• Our hearts go out to rich people in the City this week, after the spineless bastard of a government some idiots voted for announced that they would be eliminating electricity, gas and water subsidy benefits in Recoleta, Palermo, Belgrano, Retiro, Nuñez and Puerto Madero. This means: A) The Government thinks we are “rich people” (yes, no eye-rolling, chances are you live in one of those areas) so we have to pay more, and B) We’re fucked. Good times!

• Congratulations Iguazú falls! You’ve been selected as one of the New
  

  The Iguazú falls. But you already knew that because I'm sure you've been there. Ugh, you're such a cliche. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Seven Wonders of Nature! The Government celebrated the decision and announced that from now on thousands of touri…- Oh. What is that, on the website? It says “It is possible that there will be changes between the above provisional winners and the eventual finally confirmed winners. The voting calculation is now being checked, validated and independently verified, and the confirmed winners will be announced starting early 2012 during the Official Inauguration ceremonies“? So…it’s not definitive yet? Oops. My bet is that this whole thing is some shitty gimmick concocted by some unscrupulous corporation pretending to have developed a social consciousness.

• This week in gay: in yet further evidence that the average Argentine homophobic macho is one big fat repressed homosexual fighting his urge to break into song in the middle of a football game, millions of totally straight guys became obsessed with a viral video that showed two guys getting caught while having sex in their backyard this week. The video became Argentina’s number one trending topic on Twitter and guys desperately searched for an excuse to play it over and over again, while covering their faces in horror and making bigoted remarks in order to feels less guilty about their suspicious curiosity. Because remember: it’s not gay if there’s no kissing involved.

• Another school in some town you’ve never heard of/care about (Catamarca) is in deep trouble after photos of a bachelorette party conducted on the school premises surfaced online, stripper included and everything!  Honestly I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s not like teachers don’t have sex or anything. They are people like you and I! Of course the fact that there were children present at the party may have contributed to the outrage. But what do I know, I have no children.

•  That puddle of stinking cat vomit known as  Big Brother is tanking in the ratings! I haven’t felt this happy since I heard Stephanie Meyer vowed never to write any more Twilight books! Remember how last year Big Brother Argentina was all about scandals, and rape and shit? Well this year the only way to top that is by having someone kill another contestant or a full blown orgy, and since none of those is likely to happen (well the killing isn’t), I guess all people will have to watch is pillow fights.

•  This week in football: after an embarrassing and forgettable performance during the first half of the match, Argentina managed to beat Colombia 2-1 in one of those World Cup qualifying sessions that you’re never really sure how they work, which is good because if you did you’d realize that it doesn’t make any difference who wins or loses because the 2014 World Cup is THREE FUCKING YEARS AWAY.

• Also, the delicate football genius known as Lionel Messi is apparently “exhausted” from all that running he has to do, and that makes everybody sad. Man, the life of a pampered multimillionaire football superstar certainly can be hard.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And for like the 82nd time this year… it’s the end of the world!

That’s right folks, it’s the 11/11/11 today, and no one pretty much knows what the fuck it means but it’s gotta mean something big right? Maybe those Mayan guys said something about it? No? Well whatever it is the media is all over this, trying to freak everybody out and asking profound questions such as “What is going to happen today at 11:11?”.

Because that’s the best part: everyone is getting ready to freak out at 11:11. And since we’re not really sure if it’s AM or PM, let’s all remember to freak out twice today, just in case.

Also, not to nitpick but does the Rapture move by time zones? I mean, Australia supposedly reached 11:11 AM last night and nothing happened. Isn’t that a sign that this is all bullshit?

And if something does happen today at 11:11 AM (or PM), Buenos Aires time, isn’t that, like, completely unfair to other countries? I can totally see New Yorkers going “What the fuck, man? It’s only 9:11 here! What’s up with that!”

It’s OK though, I’m 99% sure nothing will happen.

And if it turns out that nothing happens, like last year when it was 10/10/10, or the years before when it was 9/9/9, 8/8/8, 7/7/7, 6/6/6, 5/5/5, 4/4/4, 3/3/3, 2/2/2 or 1/1/1, or the 20 centuries since the day Jesus was born that also had a 11/11/11 in them, then we can always hope that the zombie apocalypse we’ve all been waiting for finally takes place next year on 12/12/12.

If it doesn’t then I’m really gonna start questioning the veracity of this whole judgement day thing.

But I digress.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  The four horsemen of the apocalypse are supposed to come kill us all today. Good times. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and US president Barack Obama are still best buds. The White House said the meeting between the two of them was “warm,” and Cristina appointed Jorge Argüello as the new Argentine ambassador to the US. During a joint meeting yesterday, Cristina told him that his mission was to make sure any ongoing conflict with the US is resolved asap so they can have the best kind of relationship possible. I still don’t know what’s going on here, but I promise I’m gonna find out.

• Hooray, we’re rich! Well, no, we’re not rich. But the oil companies are, and that can never be a bad thing, right? … Right? Well, it’s been a great week for local gas company YPF since it discovered almost a billion barrels of oil in Neuquén province, increasing its oil reserves by a 50 percent. And we all know that those riches will come back to the community somehow, right? … Right? I mean, what’s the worse than happ-OH MY GOD, OF COURSE!

• Also, not to ruin your weekend or anything, but thanks to the new measures implemented by the Government in order to stop capital flight, it’s become almost impossible to buy dollars now. Which basically means you’re stuck in this country forever. Hey. It could be worse. You could have been, I don’t know, camping by the side of the Coppermine River on July 17th 1771. See? It’s all about perspective.

• I know this is old news, but it took place last Friday evening and the Weekly News Roundup was already up. But if you’re like embarrassingly uninformed Ashton Kutcher and you really have no fucking clue of what goes on around you, here it is: last Friday, a building in downtown Buenos Aires was evacuated after firemen warned it was about to collapse. Less than an hour after it people got out, the rear of the structure split in two and collapsed. People even managed to capture it with their cell phones. Originally, authorities reported no casualties, but then a man claimed that his father, a 74-year old pensioner with a hearing problem, was missing. After six days of extensive research, they found the body of the man under the rubble. While being interviewed, gaffe-prone Mayor Macri actually said: “We should be happy because there’s just one person missing.” Yes, he actually said that.

• Oh, but wait! There’s a silver lining to this terrible tragedy. That’s right, I give you… Nancy the dancer! Nancy’s apartment was among those that collapsed last Friday and is now homeless. And what better way to make money than by fame-whoring it out in front of the cameras? You see, Nancy needs a new home so “she wants to be famous by doing anything that involves dancing” (wink wink). And she loves ballet so much that she even took some photos of her “work”. The theme is, of course, construction worker. Obvious choice. However, I have to admit I don’t really get the slutty maid outfit. Still, I’m rooting for you girl!

•  More progress! The Justice and General Legislation Committee in Congress cleared the Gender Identity Bill for debate on the Lower House floor, meaning that the bill may become law very soon if it makes it to the Senate. If passed, it will grant transgender citizens (or as conservative losers call them, “sinners”) with full rights to officially change their name and gender.

•  If you happened to walk by Plaza de Mayo this week you may have noticed many teachers protesting against the City Government and Mayor Mauricio Macri there, and boy are they upset. Their anger is caused by Macri’s decision to put in place a new teacher rating board, and extending the school year until December 23rd. December 23rd! Man, those kids are gonna be pissed when they open their Christmas presents.

• This unbelievable crash that looks like something out of a Final Destination movie took place right in front of Plaza Miserere, in Once, last Sunday. The two people who were in the speeding car were immediately killed.

• Oh, the police later announced that the two men who died in the crash were actually serial robbers who would break into buildings and ransack as many apartments as they could. Apparently the reason they were speeding was because they had just robbed one. So… karma? Is that too politically incorrect to say? Whatever.

•  Remember the many times you said “Man, how I’d wish this city had a restaurant that’s 100% run by transsexuals”? Oh, you never said that? Maybe it was just me then, but look! It’s a restaurant run by transsexuals! It’s called “Parrilla Transeuntes” and it’s located in Barracas. You know, one of those neighborhoods you know exist but you never go to? Well, don’t tell me this isn’t the perfect excuse to go, help a good cause and prove you’re not a bigoted idiot. Don’t be surprised to see me there, though! *giggles*

• Remember Hanson? Those three guys who looked like girls and despite looking like girls had all the girls? They used to sing Mmmbop, and other songs with fun, incomprehensible onomatopoeia until they suddenly dropped dead or stop singing or something. Well, they’re back! And they visited Argentina! And that’s all pretty much there is to say about it.

• Bad news drug addicts! Were you planning on losing your mind at Creamfields tomorrow night? Oh, please. No need to act surprised, you think I was born yesterday? Anyway, the Federal Police announced the arrest of two “dudes” who were caught with over 1000 doses of ecstasy that they were planning on selling at the electronic music festival. But don’t worry, because they’re like those annoying little brooms from Fantasia. For every one they catch, ten more appear. So it’s all good, you still have the chance to drown in your own vomit while lying at the bottom of some ditch at 7 am.

• Former super hot model and currently kind of OK model Cindy Crawford
  

  Yeah, that's right. I decided to go with a Cindy Crawford photo. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  visited Argentina this week for some reason (she was paid for it, why else?) and visited the horribly disappointing tomb of Evita. Will people please stop doing that? Seriously, there’s nothing to see there! It’s a bland crypt with mediocre floral arrangements at best! And if that wasn’t cliche enough, she also said “she loves Dulce de Leche and asados.” *kills self*

• Local Catholic authorities elected their new ecclesiastical representative in Argentina this week.  José María Arancedo,  the new Argentine Cardinal, will be the man representing the Vatican before the local Government. Also, he may or many not be Dick Cheney’s good twin brother. (See what I did there? By calling him “the good twin brother” I implied Dick Cheney was the evil twin brother. I’m so smart. Teehee!). Seriously now, he totally fucking looks like Dick Cheney.

• This week in that puddle of shit TV show known as Gran Hermano (Big Brother): remember how last week I joked that you had to wait for at least a week  to watch a threesome happen? Well I wasn’t so wrong since only a week after entering the house these two were already fucking like cats in heat. Oh, but fear not. It was all done “under the sheets” so the networks get to call it “artistic” and “tasteful.” I call it fame whoring. In the literal sense.}

• Speaking of gross, wanna see an open fracture? This is what happened this week in that football match between Union and Newells when a Union player broke his tibia and his fibula and had his foot just hanging there, like it was made of jelly.

• You know what? I still find that video with the open fracture strangely more bearable than the one with those two brainfarts having sex.

• And last but not least: are you a proud SUBE card owner? If so, you’re in luck! Because the Government just announced that if you try to scan your card and for whatever reason it doesn’t work, you get to ride for free! See? The Government may have fucked up your life by trapping you in this country forever, but hey, at least if your card doesn’t work you get a free pass! Ah, America Argentina.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And honestly I have no idea why I sound so cheerful when in fact everything that happened this week pretty much sucks.

Seriously! People dying, prices skyrocketing and on top of that, Big Brother Argentina is back. It’s been a tough week.

So I will understand if after reading this you decide to go spend your Friday night drowning your sorrows in alcohol.

Unless you’re reading this on Sunday morning while having breakfast. If that is the case then I’ve totally made your Sunday ever more horrible than it already is, and for that I apologize.

Here’s what you need to know:

• 

  "Come on, let's blow this joint," Obama said. Cristina agreed, giggling. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Alright guys. Honestly it’s very strange, but the US has suddenly had a change of heart and it seems that all it wants to do is become Argentina’s totally cool BFF these days.  Remember last week when I told you that Barack Obama had asked for a private meeting with President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner when they met in Cannes for the G20 Summit? Well it happened! What did they talk about? Are they best friends yet? Will Argentines continue to require a visa to enter the US? Did they swap spit? No, yes and maybe. So after the meeting they said the usual: blablabla “important business partners,” blablabla “opportunity to be friends again,” blablabla “we both care about science and technology,” and not much more, all while they were trying to fight the strong sexual tension between them. That’s it. Here’s a video of the joint conference they held afterwards, and if you want to know more, then go check the news and find out for yourself. I’m not your bitch.

• Minutes before the first meeting between the G20 presidents yesterday, Obama, Fernández de Kirchner and French President Nicolas Sarkozy got together for a brief chat. What did Obama do? He pointed at Cristina and told Sarkozy that “they both needed to learn lessons from her” after she managed to get reelected by such a large percentage of the population. Cristina then spontaneously combusted.

• US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton also called the President this week and told her that she wanted to congratulate her on her reelection and looked forward for renewing their bilateral relationship and being friends again. A few days later, Clinton’s mother passed away and President Fernández de Kirchner was one of the first to send her a letter offering her deepest sympathies. Told ya! The have gone from this to this in less than a week.

• As if that weren’t enough, yesterday a congressman from New York (a Democrat, obviously) asked Obama to declassify all files that the CIA has on the Argentine dictatorship from 1976 to 1983, since he believes it may help identify many of babies who were born in captivity and improve relations with Argentina.

• So yeah. I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but if you Americans are thinking of asking for money, let me tell ya, we don’t have any. In the meantime, Argentines are loving all this kind of attention, proving that the reason why Argentina hates the US so much is because they want to marry it.

• In other G20 news, Italy’s Prime Minister and perverted womanizer Silvio Berlusconi will continue to behave as such and he doesn’t give a shit about what you think.

• As of last Monday, the National Government announced that the AFIP Tax Agency would require background checks for anyone trying to buy dollars, since for the last few months the Central Bank reserves have been going down like crazy after paranoid crazy fucks, fearing that Cristina herself was going to come for their savings, began sending their money abroad.  So now, in order to increase the supply of dollars on the local market, the Argentine Government has gone all post-9/11 US on our asses. Tough shit!

• In a completely unexpected move, yet totally expected, the National Government announced this week that they had decided to begin eliminating the subsidies that they had put in place in 2003 in order to help a majority of the population when the economy was in the crapper. Now that Argentina is like, the best country in the history of the universe and everyone is rich again, there’s no more need for them! So they announced they would begin by eliminating energy, gas and water subsidies for corporations and eventually for families. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but chances are that very soon your utilities will triple from one month to another. You live in Palermo and you pay $50 a month of electricity? Well, by January you will surely be paying $150.  Tough shit, part 2!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And remember how nothing happened last week? Well, naturally everything happened this week.

So no preambles this time, let’s get down to business shall we?

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Four more years! (Photo, Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was reelected by a landslide last week! But you probably already knew that, right? If not, you should know I’m judging you in silence. Anyway, not only she became Latin America’s first reelected female president but her party also regained a majority in Congress, which they had lost in 2009. During her victory speech she seemed conciliatory and vowed to keep working to expand the government model that began when her husband became the President of Argentina in 2003. She was seen dancing happily on stage along with his son Máximo and her daughter Florencia, who may or may not be Lady Gaga. Congratulations Madame President!

•  Self-proclaimed deity Diego Maradona congratulated President Fernández de Kirchner, and posted a photo of himself on the web with a message for her that contains a few words in English, the language of the capitalist devils. Awkward!

• Great news everyone! US President Barack Obama congratulated President Fernández de Kirchner after being reelected and has asked for a meeting with her next week when they are both in Cannes for the G20 Summit. Yay! Does that mean that the US and Argentina are friends again? I’m telling you, there’s a lot of sexual tension whenever those two get together.

• Horrible news everyone! Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad also called President Fernández de Kirchner to congratulate her. Apparently good old Mahmoud wants to “improve relations” with Argentina, which are a little strained because of the whole “several Iranians blew up a building in Buenos Aires in 94 and I, President of Iran, refuse to turn them in for fair trial” thing. Let’s see how that goes.

• Then there was also British Prime Minister David Cameron, who sent a congratulatory message that quite literally read: “Congrats! We’re still not gonna give you the Falklands though.”

• OK, so it didn’t say it like that, but it still said that the Malvinas/Falklands debate was off the table, and that they would be sending a warship to the area “just in case.” Can’t wait to read what the President’s Thank You note says.

• This Thursday was also the first anniversary of the death of former President Néstor Kirchner, and the entire country got together to remember him fondly and celebrate not his death, but his legacy. Authorities in Santa Cruz, his home province, unveiled his new mausoleum, an ugly-ass building that looks like something out of a Tim Burton film and that perpetuates the notion that he suffered from serious deliriums of grandeur. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the statue they unveiled, which totally looks like a bronze Freddy Krueger about to rip you to shreds with his terrifying glove.

• To conclude this historic week in Argentina, the two puddles of shit that are Jorge “Tigre” Acosta and Alfredo Astiz, two men who became the face of horror after being accused of thousands of deaths and disappearances (and the torture of pregnant women) at the ESMA Navy School of Mechanics during the last dictatorship were finally sentenced to life in prison. Astiz, labeled by many the “Angel of Death” because of his angelic face, was smirking throughout the reading of the sentence like the repugnant slime that he is. Don’t feel bad though, just remember that from now on, every time you go to sleep at night he will be getting raped by eight guys and beaten in the face until he’s rendered unconscious for the next…uhm…well, until he dies.

• Also, because seeing our current Economy Minister and Vice-President-elect Amado Boudou playing guitar on stage is not embarrassing enough, now you’re given the choice to become him too. Forget about Guitar Hero, that’s for mediocre musicians and nerds. I give you Boudou Hero, where you get to play the same song from La Mancha de Rolando, over and over again until you feel like you want to blow your brains out. Pretty much like in real life.

• Mutant-looking mouth and Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tylerwas
  

  Steven Tyler, back when he didn't look like a tooth-less old lady. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  getting ready for a show in Asuncion, Paraguay, when he slipped and fell inside his hotel bathtub. This is what he looks like now, and he is still cooler than you’ll ever be in your entire life. He rescheduled his shows in Paraguay and today he is getting ready to play in Argentina. (I know, technically the news come from Paraguay so it’s not really local news, but you know, for most of you South America was all part of Brazil or something before you came here, so whatever.  Don’t hate me, I’m just applying your logic).

• In other news coming from South America, Chile has now issued a red alert over the possibility that another volcano, the Hudson, might erupt anytime soon and asked for residents living in the area to evacuate. OK, can I just say what everyone is thinking? Yeah, Sebastian Piñera is cursed. Ever since he was elected last year, Chile has gone through a devastating earthquake, a killer tsunami, the Chilean miners drama, a blackout that left the nation’s capital in the dark, a spectacular pile-up in a highway that left many dead, the eruption of the Puyehue volcano, another earthquake, a plane crash on the Juan Fernandez island that killed all passengers on-board, a nationwide student revolt and now ANOTHER volcanic eruption. Dude, for the sake of your people, just quit already.

• Ever heard the expression “Homer Simpson is an Argentine”? Chances are you have, since that is the reason most Argentines use to describe their obsessive and unconditional love for The Simpsons. Don’t worry, it’s all part of the guilt they feel for letting such an American pop-culture icon become so deeply entrenched with the local population, so they use that expression in order to feel better with themselves. Anyway, more “evidence” about the Simpsons’ true DNA was found this week after the media discovered a three-eyed fish near an energy plan in Cordoba. Just like Blinky! This, according to the national media, is more incontrovertible proof that Matt Groening is an Argentine, and now everyone can continue to hate the US without any guilt, which is a relief considering that they are already celebrating Halloween this weekend, and that would be too much.

• **UPDATE** After having to deal with the horrendous fish for over two days, waiting for someone to come and investigate it, the guy who fished it out threw it in the garbage. Like, literally.

• Remember last month’s accident involving a bus and a train, and how authorities vowed it would never happen again? Oops.

• Even after this, the streets are covered in shit.

• It hasn’t been a good week for the football world. First, Lionel Messi failed to score a couple of times when playing for his team in Spain, which in the sports media world translates as “Has Messi gone over the hill?”. Ugh. Shut up, sports media. Get a real job, like regular the media does.

• One guy in the River Plate Club’s board of directors was mad at another guy who had sold him a house with humidity problems so, naturally, he went and stabbed him.

• While Jonathan Botinelli from the San Lorenzo team was in practice, several hooligans who were mad at him (because he was probably not scoring enough goals maybe? Whatever.), naturally, broke into the field and beat  him up.

• In a match between Racing and Lanus, some guy fell to the ground and the referee blamed another guy from the opposite team. This guy was apparently not happy about this so, naturally, he went and kicked the other guy in the face while he was still on the ground. Now there’s someone who literally kicks you when you’re down! Lame joke, I know. Do you know how hard it is to come up with fresh material every week?? Gimme a break.

• And yes, I know. “Violence is everywhere, not just football!” you are probably saying. But guess what, I’m biased. Deal with it.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And remember this? Remember how the Rapture was postponed until October 21st? Well, it’s supposed to be today and no one cares. Maybe it’s because we are already in hell.

Anyway, it was unusually quiet this week so there’s not much to talk about.

Maybe because it’s the calm before the storm. The election storm, that is, because in case you didn’t know, the presidential elections in Argentina are taking place in two days!

So let’s get down to business, shall we?

• 

  A tumbleweed, the universal symbol for "nothing is happening." (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Yes, I know that politics is “not your thing” and that you’d rather watch soft core porn on the local version of Dancing With the Stars, but worry not! Because I’ve compiled all the important information about the local candidates in a very easy-to-read article that I’m sure you’ll find most enlightening. There’s pictures and everything! It’s like “Presidential Candidates for Dummies,” only the dummy is you. So here it is. Enjoy!

• Oh yeah, it’s also below this article, so you don’t really have to click on that link. Anyway, whatever, do what you wanna do.

Hey there, my politically-challenged friends!

It’s that time of the year again!

No, I’m not talking about Creamfields, I’m talking about the presidential elections that are taking place this Sunday!

I know, I know, you don’t give a shit because you don’t vote. But still, don’t you think it’s at least interesting to know who you would be voting for if you could vote.

Still no?

You know what? Sometimes I don’t know why I even bother with you. Are you happy being this way? I mean, are you happy being this ignorant? Do you think life in Argentina is all about lunches in San Telmo, asados at you friend’s house in Las Cañitas and partying and hitting on gorgeous people until sunrise at some cool bar in Palermo Soho?

Well, yes it is, but how about knowing a little bit more, huh?

The world is in revolt* out there, there are protests around the planet, dictatorships are falling and democracies are being born and you still choose to ignore it because “you’re not really into that stuff.”

Well you, my friend, are an idiot.

*(It used to say “falling apart” instead of “in revolt”, but some smartass reader pointed out that I wasn’t making much sense, so I, humiliated, decided to change it. You win for now, smartass reader, but we’ll meet again).

NOW SHUT UP AND READ THE FUCKING LIST I MADE BECAUSE I SAID SO.

Don’t worry; you’ll thank me in the next ten years when you all of a sudden start caring about politics and say “that Adrian dude was right!”

So, without any further ado, I give you this election’s presidential candidates, dumbed down for your reading pleasure.

Presidential Candidate #1 – President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner

Occupation: Didn’t you read? She’s the President.

Never mind the botox. (Photo/Wikipedia)

Age: 58, but I’m sure she doesn’t want you to know that.

Party: Frente para la Victoria (Peronist)

Ideology: Progressive, center-left. You thought she was from the left? Haha. You have no idea.

Running Mate: The coolest of them all, current Economy Minister Amado Boudou, known for making out with red heads in nightclubs and playing guitar on stage. Yeah, we get it Boudou, you’re “one of us.” Shut up already.

Pros: She’s probably the best president Argentina has had since the return of democracy in 1983.

Cons: She’s a narcissistic psycho bitch.

Superpowers: None.

Catchphrase: “A woman would have found a way out of this already.”

Nemesis: Vice-President Julio Cobos and fake, Chinese-made Louis Vuitton bags.

If she were a fictional character, she’d be: Miranda Priestly, from “The Devil Wears Prada.”

Chances of being elected: Let’s just say she’s already won.

So, in my honest opinion, this is all you need to know since she is expected to be reelected by a landslide (polls suggest she may even reach a 60 percent of the popular vote). Still I’m contractually obligated by the Argentina Independent to finish this piece, no matter how useless the rest of the information. So let’s just pretend that we don’t know who’s gonna win, shall we?

By the way, great to know you made it to bullet point 2. I promise it’s all gonna be over soon.

Presidential Candidate #2 – Hermes Binner

Occupation: Governor of Santa Fe

Socialist (which means communist dictator and probably Hitler) Hermes Binner (Photo/Wikipedia)

Age: 68

Party: Socialist (if you’re a right-wing American, you should be having a heart attack by now).

Ideology: Progressive, center-left.

Running Mate: Norma Morandini

Pros: Under his administration, the Santa Fe province registered a historical growth.

Cons: His speeches are unbelievably boring.

Superpowers: None

Catchphrase: None

Nemesis: Well, let’s just say right-wing America would want him dead.

If he were a fictional character, he’d be: The 2015 version of George Mc. Fly in Back to the Future Part II.

Chances of being elected: Not many. However, after garnering such strong support in the last few months, if he doesn’t win he will certainly become a very strong contender and opposition leader in 2015.

Presidential Candidate #3 – Ricardo Alfonsín

Occupation: Lawmaker

"My dad is probably spinning in his grave" (Photo/Wikipedia)

Age: 59

Party: Radical Civic Union (UCR). And no, you idiots. “Radical” doesn’t have the connotation that you think it does. Plus, the party was founded in the 1800′s, and back then people killed each other a lot more.

Ideology: Progressive, center.

Running Mate: Javier González Fraga

Pros: He has good intentions. He is the son of the late Raúl Alfonsín, the first Argentine president after the dictatorship, who many people still remember fondly.

Cons: His campaign ads were probably the worst in political history (specially this one, in which he tells the President “you will probably win this election…”).

Superpowers: His yelling will drive you insane.

Catchphrase: None.

Nemesis: His campaign strategist.

If he were a fictional character, he’d be: He’s like a parody of himself. So… you know. Himself.

Chances of being elected: On a scale of 1 to 10? None.

Presidential Candidate #4 – Eduardo Duhalde

Occupation: Unemployed, drug trafficker

Eeeeeeey! (Photo/Wikipedia)

Age: 70

Party: Union Popular (Peronist)

Ideology: Conservative, center-right.

Running Mate: Mario Das Neves

Pros: He was the one who bravely stepped forward and took office when no one wanted to be president of Argentina in 2001, and he somehow miraculously survived.

Cons: Pretty much the entire country believes he is the one who controls the drug flow entering the Buenos Aires province. It’s never been proven though.

Superpowers: None

Catchphrase: “You guys wanna see a dead body?” Haha. No, I’m kidding.

Nemesis: The DEA.

If he were a fictional character, he’d be: Any portrayed by Joe Pesci.

Chances of being elected: Forgetaboutit.

Presidential Candidate #5 – Alberto Rodríguez Sáa

Occupation: Governor of San Luis

Nice photo, Wikipedia. Why not the back of his head, while we're at it? (Photo/Wikipedia)

Age: 62

Party: Frente Compromiso Federal (Peronist)

Ideology: I’m not really sure. Left-wing? Right-wing? Eh, whatever.

Running Mate: Apparently, this guy.

Pros: He says if he wins, he will provide free wi-fi for everyone in the country (not a joke).

Cons: His political ads are cringing and seem to be taken from a Family Guy episode. Here, let me show you: there’s this one with the Wachiturros, there’s this one in which he looks like a cult leader trying to talk you into joining him in mass suicide, and then there’s this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and 15 more like those that will make you want to violently and repeatedly stab your ears and eyes with a rusty screwdriver.

**UPDATE** OH MY GOD THIS ONE.

Seriously, this guy HAS to be president. Can you imagine? I wouldn’t have enough time to write about him!

Superpowers: None.

Catchphrase: “Pongale su voto al Alberto, Rodriguez Saa!,” the most horrible jingle in the history of horrible jingles.

Nemesis: Good taste, DSL internet.

If he were a fictional character, he’d be: Lord Voldemort. But not the scary, cool looking Voldermort from the latter Harry Potter movies. I’m talking about the one from the first one, that hid on the back of some dude’s head and was made in some really cheap special effects. Yeah, that one.

Chances of being elected: Haha. Well, I can’t blame you for asking.

Presidential Candidate #6 – Elisa Carrió

Occupation: Lawmaker, clairvoyance expert

"No, you silly. I'm not Cameron Díaz!" (Photo/Wikipedia)

Age: 54

Party: Coalición Cívica (Civic Coalition)

Ideology: Social democracy, center-left. Sort of.

Running Mate: Adrián Pérez

Pros: No matter how many times she’s loses, she keeps trying. So I guess she’s persistent.

Cons: She’s batshit crazy. She keeps making ambiguous, undecipherable prophecies that allegedly come to her through God.

Superpowers: She can see the future. No, really, she says that. In fact, back in 2008, she said it would be “divine” if President Fernández de Kirchner became a widow. Two years later, BAM!

Catchphrase: None

Nemesis: Well, obviously Satan. Also facts. 

If she were a fictional character, she’d be: A very blonde Annie Wilkes from Misery.*

Chances of being elected: She has basically stopped trying. Guess what she saw in her future wasn’t so good.

 *Yes, I know I said that of another candidate a couple of months ago. Don’t try to get smart with me.

Presidential Candidate #7 – Jorge Altamira

Occupation: Currently unemployed.

This is the only photo I could find of him. Lame, I know. (Photo/Wikipedia)

Age: 69

Party: Partido Obrero (Worker’s Party)

Ideology: Left-wing socialist. HORROR!

Running Mate: Christian Castillo

Pros: He’s an incredibly smart man with big dreams.

Cons: He chose the wrong country to run. He’s got this sort of cosmopolitan proletariat glow around him that makes me sort of uncomfortable.

Superpowers: None.

Catchphrase: “Nosotros, la izquierda” (We, the left).

Nemesis: Other parties who claim to be the left (like the President’s party) but that they are not really the left, like his party is.

If he were a fictional character, he’d be: Any character portrayed my Malcolm McDowell.

Chances of being elected: Let’s just say he made it through the primaries because he was part of an internet meme. So “none,” I guess.

And that’s pretty much it!

See? That wasn’t so hard.

So this Saturday when you’re forced to stay home watching some movie or – God forbid – reading a book instead of going out (and we all know in your little world “going out” equals “potential sex”), now you know who to blame.

Enjoy your lame, sexless Saturday night everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And boy, are we fucked. I mean, I don’t know what’s worse: being bombed by Iran or being mobbed by a horny crowd of Justin Bieber fans. Have you been paying attention to the news? (Well no, you probably haven’t, that’s why you keep coming back here Friday after Friday).

See? I was gonna do a bit of a stand-up comedy act right now, but since you wouldn’t know what the hell I was talking about you’ve just effectively killed my segue.

Ugh, I hate you.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  A BlackBerry. It may be a piece of shit, but at least it's made in Argentina (Photo/Wikipedia).

  After a low blood pressure case killed kept President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner in bed for a couple of days this week, she decided to reappear in public on Wednesday to proudly display the first BlackBerry Curve 8520 “made in Argentina,” the result of a recent agreement between the Argentine government and Research in Motion (RIM) to start building their devices here. No, yeah, that’s some great timing Madame President. While two thirds of the world’s population was fuming about BlackBerry’s global system collapse and RIM’s stocks were plummeting to the center of the earth,  you somehow thought this would be a great idea. Please, fire someone? Please.

• WAR!!!!!! Well, maybe not. But still, I bet that “WAR!!!!!” part scared you shitless, didn’t it? Anyway, the drums of war are rolling and this time the US and Argentina are on the same side! In what seems to have been pulled out of a spy thriller or an episode of 24, the FBI and the DEA announced this week that they had managed to stop an Iranian terrorist plot that not only was looking to assassinate the Saudi ambassador to the US, but had also planned to bomb the Israeli and Saudi embassies in Buenos Aires. It’s all still very hush-hush, but apparently the US and Saudi Arabia had warned Argentina about this several months ago. Look at those three being all friends and stuff! Maybe this will usher in a new era of friendship and cooperation between the US and Argentina? Maybe they’ll finally be able to accept each other’s Friend requests on Facebook?And you, Iran, just stop it with your whining about the Jews. Seriously, you’re a pain in the ass. I don’t hear you complaining about this, a show with naked women and gay men, which is pretty much your worst nightmare. Just shut up already.

• Because three forces in town are apparently not enough, the Security Ministry announced this week the creation of yet another police division, the “Neighborhood Crime Prevention Body.” What will it do? Well, you know… police stuff. So now we have the Federal Police, the Metropolitan Police, the Prefecture in Puerto Madero and this new NCPB thing which sounds more like a venereal disease than a special forces unit.

• WAR!!!!!!  Well, not exactly, but close! You see, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (2005, in Uruguay), there was this bilateral conflict going on that caused for relations between the Argentine and Uruguayan governments to reach a historic low. No one talked about war, but many people silently feared it (by the way, if you just went “Holy shit, man! You mean Uruguay is not part of Argentina?!?,” please leave this site and never come back). In the end, things got better once President Pepe Mujica was elected there and everyone became friends again. However, former president Tabaré Vázquez cause a stir this week when he admitted that he was certain Uruguay was heading to war with Argentina, for which he secretly asked for help to the US. Oh, shit. I knew things were gonna go back to “Relationship status: It’s complicated” between Argentina and the US. Well, it was good while it lasted.

• This concludes today’s political section. As we approach the election weekend, don’t miss the return of Argentine Politics 101, so you’ll get to learn more about the candidates that you can’t vote for because you’re probably an illegal alien who visits Colonia  for a day every three months in order to avoid deportation. And still, you didn’t know Uruguay was another country.

• OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!! Justin Bieber is (was? I dunno) in Argentina! The Bieber fever finally caught up with all of us, and we had to deal with trillions of horny little girls flocking all over the city (and as you can see in this video of my interaction with them, they’re literally crazy). The best part was when the angry mob of twelve-year olds finally managed to overcome the police and almost broke into the Faena Hotel where Bieber was staying. Ohhh! So that’s why we need a new special police. Apparently the officers on duty now are no match for 12-year olds. Sad.

• This week in batshit television:  Dancing With The Stars (Yes. Again.) continued to provide us with unforgettable moments of cringing and public shaming after two of the show’s judges (a man and a woman), while they were backstage getting ready for the show, got into a fist fight for some reason I don’t even care to explain. Just watch it and move on, OK? Here you go.

• And if this didn’t make you feel dirty enough, here’s a “sneak peek”of the
  

  I swear I downloaded a photo of Justin Bieber but for some reason I got the other Justin. Whatever, you know what I meant to say, I'm not going down there again. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  future former no-hit wonder Travaturra (a pun in Spanish mixing the words “Trava” (transvestite) and “turra” (slut)) and her classy, delicate song “The Tits.” “With a good pair of tits you can’t conquer the world,” the artist sings. And I couldn’t agree more. Keep reaching for that rainbow! Or a place in Dancing with the Stars, whatever works for ya.

• Don’t you feel like you need to take a shower by now?

• And speaking of embarrassing moments, how about that football game between Argentina and Venezuela, huh? After a terrible performance by the Argentine football team, Venezuela managed to beat the local team 1-0 in the 2014 World Cup qualifiers, which, like I said before, IS THREE FUCKING YEARS AWAY FROM US. Seriously, what is wrong with you people! By 2014 half the people playing in those teams could be dead! God, I hate this stupid sport.

• In continuance with my anti-football evangelism, here’s even more evidence that this sport makes turns you into an idiot: this week someone, for some reason, found a photo of Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg looking like a crazy homeless person back when he was traveling around Argentina in 2006.  The cheap looking shorts he’s wearing (which he probably got at some clearance bin in Plaza Miserere for $2 because he was hot and needed to take off those sweaty jeans) happened to display a poorly-embroidered Racing Club badge. The result? MARK ZUCKERBERG IS A RACING FAN!, according to the local media. *sigh*

• And finally: last week the Pumas’ dreams of becoming world champions were crushed after a match with the All Blacks. However, upon their return, they were greeted as heroes. Ah, now here’s a sport I like: rugby. See, people here only become rugby fans and talk about how much rugby is the best sport in the world and how much they love it whenever the Rugby World Cup is on, and as long as the Pumas are winning. The rest of the time they don’t give a shit about it.  And that, my friends, deserves recognition.