It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!

Sorry, blame her for that.

What a horrible day it is today! Have you been even close to downtown Buenos Aires? It was chaos! In fact, if you actually were close to downtown today, statistically there’s no way you could possibly be reading this now, since you would be stuck in traffic or lying on the street unconscious after being run over by a stampede. Anyway, that’s Buenos Aires for you. When you are not stepping in dog shit, you’re running into a protest. But it’s that kind of exciting unpredictability what turns this into the city we love to hate and hate to hate. Hey, at least we’re not in North Korea.

Here’s what you need to know:

CGT leader Hugo Moyano. He may look like a mafia boss, but in fact he's a lot, lot worse. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• Today was the Big One kids! The CGT Labor Union Confederation rally that took place in downtown Buenos Aires today was not just a mere attempt to commemorate the International Worker’s Day on May 1st. Oh no, it was a lot more important than that. You see, for years, Argentina has been run by a shadowy figure, a controversial man known as Hugo Moyano, who not only is the head of the CGT but is also the one wielding all the power. The man behind the curtain, the Wizard of Oz. Moyano is the man every president HAS to be friends with, because the moment you antagonize him, you’re history. He has the power to move millions of workers around the country, who will defend him no matter what.  Sure, the man is a gazillionarie who amassed his fortune in ways that are not entirely clear, but when he comes out sporting a leather jacket, a scruffy beard and talks like he’s never even been to primary school, the crowds go crazy. So for a few months now, Mr. Moyano has been sending passive-agressive messages to President Cristina Fernandez de Kichner. He is grateful for her administration, which has greatly helped the working class like never before in this country, but this is still not enough. Nah, what he wants is the vice-presidency.  And this could really hurt her chances in the coming presidential elections, since Moyano is despised by the Argentine middle class. So the President decided not to attend the rally, citing “personal reasons” since last Wednesday marked the six-month anniversary of her husband’s death, but her cabinet was forced to attend, and let me tell ya, they didn’t look very happy to be there. Before ending his speech, Moyano urged the President to seek reelection and Congress to pass the Revenue Sharing Law, which would force large corporations to share their revenue with workers. Basically, the American Tea Party’s worst nightmare. Aren’t you glad you learned a little bit more about politics today? I mean, it was either that or the Royal Wedding, so you should be content.

• And speaking of Republican idiots and right-wing nut jobs, the PRO and Federal Peronism parties are trying to pass a “Shoot-down bill” which would clear the Argentine Air Force to shoot down any small planes crossing the border to smuggle drugs or immigrants (yes, as in “people”) that fail to identify themselves. The brilliant idea is being pushed by the PRO party, whose values are “inspired” by the US Republican party, and it has already stirred controversy among the population. But don’t worry, Brazil recently passed a similar law, and they’re doing just fine, right? I think.

• Federal Judge Norberto Oyarbide is a man of an impressive reputation. He has always been a man of integrity, admired by both followers and detractors internationally due to his strong convictions and brave decisions in the last two decades regarding human right violations and corruption. Well you can kick that integrity goodbye, especially after this video of him went viral! Hey, at least we now know he’s human. Do you feel like he’s drunk? I think he’s drunk. He’s definitely drunk.

• Move over Mike Tyson! Local boxer Alejandro Gomez was disqualified this week after he decided to bite off the ear of his opponent. What is it with boxers and ear-biting? Just make out already, it’s healthier.

• This week, in your obligatory Big Brother column: Well, if you though that four guys trapped in the same house without having sex for the last five months couldn’t get any gayer, think again. For some reason, the show’s producers decided it would be funny (or embarrassing) to send the Spanish glam-pop band Loco Mia into the house and serenade the four kids. LocoMia, which reached extreme popularity throughout Latin America and Europe in 1991,  is the result of what you would get if you mixed the Village People with Bram Stoker’s Dracula. So click here and watch the whole thing go down. It’s actually pretty funny/lame/scary.

• Speaking of annoying roadblocks, what do you do if you need to get to a job interview in Puerto Madero and you run into an unexpected protest downtown that won’t let you get there in time? Well, you paraglide there, of course! This douchebag caught the attention of the population this week when he pulled out his paraglider in a downtown square and began crossing the city skies. His little stunt not only caused a considerable amount of traffic chaos but also ended up with him being arrested by the police due to violation of airspace. His excuse was that he had to get to a job interview and since it was getting late, he chose an alternative way to get there. It was later learned, however, that the whole thing was part of an advertising campaign for a certain energy drink. I guess he was lucky the “Shoot-down” Law hasn’t been passed yet.

• Well you know you’ve fucked up royally when you’ve pissed off the local indigenous population. For the last four days, over 20 members of the Qom indigenous community have maintained a roadblock over the 9 de Julio Av. hoping that they will attract enough attention so that the President has no choice but to meet with them.  Five months ago, the Qom traveled from the northern province of Formosa to Buenos Aires in order to meet with the President and present her with a complaint that their lands were being taken away by farming producers. However, the government refused to meet with them, for which they decided to set up camp on the corner of 9 de Julio and 1ro. de Mayo avenues. Five months later, they run out of patience and now they’re pissed, threatening that they will remain there on a hunger strike until the government agrees to meet with them. Not to discourage you guys, but in the 90′s teachers pulled the same stunt and they ended up living in front of Congress for over three years. Just saying. Better eat a lot of sandwiches while you can!

• And since we’re discussing land ownership, the President announced
  

  Millionaire Douglas Tompkins. He's like a James Bond villain, only badder. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  this week that she would urge Congress to pass the Land Ownership Law, which looks to restrict the amount of land that foreigners can buy to 1000 square hectares. Now, I know that everyone is upset that Douglas Tompkins and Luciano Benetton own half of the country, but isn’t that still pretty fucking much? I’m pretty sure the Qom would agree. Agh, what’s the use, we’re all gonna die in 2012 anyway.

• Remember that British fame whore Katie Price and her Argentine boy(toy)friend, whatever his name is? Well, don’t freak out but they were involved in an accident last weekend while driving down a route in Cordoba. Apparently they run into a couple of horses and couldn’t swerve in time. Unfortunately, they both died. The horses I mean. Also unfortunately the other two idiots in the car survived.

• Well, it’s official. Lionel Messi is bigger than Jesus. And Maradona too, but that’s an understatement. I mean, look at me, I hate football and here I am, talking about Messi. Whatever, watch him score here.

Have a great weekend everyone! (Especially us Europeans, now that the Euro has crossed the $6 peso mark).

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday Thursday again!

Yeah, in case you haven’t noticed, the WNR is available on a Thursday and not on a Friday this week, but don’t panic, it’s just for this week since Friday is a holiday and I really don’t feel like working.

So, instead of just saying “No WNR this week,” I decided to upload them early just for you. Remember that next time you send me an email telling me to go fuck myself.

Anyway, everyone is anxiously waiting for the Holy Weekend, not because we’re eager to observe the resurrection of Jesus Christ, but because it gives us all the chance to go out and get drunk for four nights in a row! And on top of that, we all get together on Sunday to eat some chocolate Easter eggs, punishing our livers to the point where we all need transplants.

So, before you wake up covered in vomit while hugging some really, really dirty toilet in one of the popular expat bars at 7 AM on Sunday, here’s what you need to know:

Hallelujah! Jesus apparently came back to life on a weekend like this, but you probably don't give a shit. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• Do you know about the Cromañón tragedy? On December 30th 2004, a fire broke out in a nightclub where the rock band Callejeros was playing, killing 194 people and injuring over a thousand.  The fire was started by some idiot who lit a flare inside, starting a fire when the ceiling caught on fire. The nightclub’s owner, current social pariah Omar Chabán, had locked all emergency exits before because he didn’t want people “to sneak in” so when everyone made a run towards the security exit, they found out there chains on them.  The case had a huge impact on the Argentine psyche. It changed the history of Argentine Rock, with Rolling Stone Argentina and the victims’ parents leading the charge against the corrupt government and an impeachment process that ended in the removal of then City Mayor Aníbal Ibarra. Six years later, a trial is still going on, and yesterday, an Appellate Court decided to blame Callejeros and a few government officials, but the club’s owner, who most of the parents want to see rotting in jail for the rest of eternity, is apparently being benefited by a reduction in sentence.  Parents are outraged, judges are cowards and the world seems to be fucking unfair right now. (Sorry, no punchline here. Not much to make fun of when you’re taking about 194 people dead).

• However, when it’s only one death, it’s kind of OK to laugh at it! So, a piece of advice to all you killers out there: if you’re planning to murder someone, make sure you have a proper way to dispose of the body. Otherwise, you may fuck up big time like this idiot woman did in Avellaneda, who after killing a female victim (who’s yet to be identified) inside her apartment, she realized she couldn’t carry the body by herself and asked the building’s Super to giver her a hand. The guy realized there was a dead body inside the suspicious “human-shaped bag” and called the cops. She is now in prison, of course, which in my opinion she totally deserves for being such a brainless idiot. I mean, anyone knows that first you chop off the body and then feed it to husband and/or lover. Sheesh…

• Remember when I told you last week that the National Government had decided to remove all Federal Police presence from public buildings in the city of Buenos Aires in order to piss off the Macri administration? Well, if you happen to be in a life-threatening accident by any chance, I suggest you stay at home and hope for the best. Otherwise, since there’s no police patrolling the area, you might get stabbed in the waiting room, like this guy. (Warning: Graphic Video).

• You clicked on that thing even though I warned you it was going to be graphic, didn’t you? You make me sick.

• The Buenos Aires International Book Fair began yesterday! And if you’re an expat, then this is a must for you. Taking place in the heart of Palermo, in the largest pavilion of the Rural Expo, hundreds of book stands offer books that range from Facebook for Dummies to a miniature copy of the Qur’an. Sure, books are extremely overpriced and obnoxious children are running all over the place, but there are also some events taking place, like the much anticipated controversial speech of 2010 Literature Nobel Prize winner Mario Vargas Llosa. The Peruvian right-wing writer, who has openly criticized the Kirchners, caused a stir last month when he announced he had been invited by the Book Fair authorities to give the opening speech this year. Ultra-Kirchnerites, who, like any ultra-something, often end up hurting that same freedom that they so claim to defend, demanded Vargas Llosa to refuse the invitation and protested the visit. This prompted the President herself to intervene, stating that, despite their differences, he had every right to attend the event. So let’s see what happens today, when he grabs the mike. If past events are any indication, freedom of speech lovers will stage a protest at his speech and force him to cancel it, like they did some years ago to dissident Cuban Hilda Molina. Make sure to visit, you might even see a fist fight!

• God almighty, the local version of Dancing with the Stars not only has hired the tits and ass attached to Pamela Anderson’s body to join the cast, but now they’ve announced Mike Tyson is already on board. I love it how they keep hiring all these D-list American celebrities in order to allegedly make it sound important. Why not go for Pee Wee Herman? I hear he’s looking.

• Show business is on fire today! And understandably so, since thanks to this post-Gossip Girl world we’re living in,
  

  Admit it, when it comes to fictional characters, you choose the Easter Bunny over Jesus. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  we now get to spy on celebrities in ways we never thought possible before. So imagine our surprise when this new amateur video appeared on TV today, showing six-months pregnant and horrible actress Juanita Viale meeting with former Economy Minister Martín Lousteau in her actual boyfriend’s car, and smooching it up for a while in broad daylight. Her boyfriend, Chilean actor Gonzalo “Manguera” Valenzuela has allegedly left their home today, the Chilean media has reported. See? Women. They won’t stop cheating, even when they’re pregnant.

• This week, in your mandatory Big Brother column: Well, we’re almost done people. Only two weeks ‘till it’s over and we’re down to the last four contestants. All of them guys, one of them gay. So it’s basically a sausage fest. Oh well, at least one of them is happy. Anyway, the whole thing has become so irrelevant that there’s not even an interesting video to show you. No, seriously. Nothing. I just wanted to share my misery with you. Hopefully I succeeded.

• Well, now we’re fucked. After a photographer in the small town of Venado Tuerto (pretty much Population: 0) took a picture of some lights in the sky one night a few months ago, he sent it to NASA for analysis. Their response? “Unable to identify object,” which means, of course, a UFO. So there you have it. We always thought we were safe in South America because, if Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s always Los Angeles or Manhattan being blown to hell and then the aliens get shot down by Barack Obama himself flying an F-15 before they can even hover below the Equator. But now they’re here, and trust me, I’ve seen movies. They up to no good, those black-eyed bastards.

• Update: NASA just said the whole thing was a hoax since they never confirmed any report. Fuck it, I already wrote the story, I’m not rewriting the whole thing.

Have a great Holy Weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again! And you- ah, fuck it.

• 

  Yup, the paperboy is back. Deal with it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Horror! Still reeling from the death of former President Nestor Kirchner last October, the whole country froze in fear last Tuesday when doctors announced that President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner had suffered an episode of low blood pressure (Spoiler Alert: she’s alive) and was forced to cancel her trip to Mexico and remain under observation for 24 hours. Don’t worry though, she lived.

• The third gubernatorial elections of the year took place in Salta last Sunday, and incumbent Governor Juan Manuel Urtubey was reelected over homophobe and probably homosexual Alfredo Olmedo. Urtubey (who looks younger than me, to be honest, even though he’s 41), thanked the President for her support, but warned that he was not a delegate of the National Government and said would govern by following his own advice instead of waiting to see what the President had to say. This attitude, of course, was enough for all the Ultra-K’s (Kirchnerites who take their love for the President a little bit too far) to brand him a traitor, scum, a horrible person, a fascist and a hypocrite. Ah, the foul stench of democracy at work.

• Good news, rapists and pedophiles! Have you been sentenced to a life in prison because you touched a child “down there”? Not to worry! Just gather all your Facebook friends and tell them to sign a petition explaining that you’re actually kind of cool. Then show it to a judge and BAM! You’re free. Yeah, just like that! At least that’s what this guy in La Plata did. He was sentenced to 14 years in prison for sexually abusing his own children, but then his family and friends gathered over 700 signatures assuring that he’s a “nice man and good neighbor” and an Appeals Court decided to change the sentence to house arrest. Oh, except he can also go to work everyday. So it’s basically like being free! Who’s to say the justice system doesn’t work? Not a pedophile, obviously.

• Speaking of bad parents: did you hear about this? A judge in Cordoba ruled against a woman charged with reckless endangerment, after her 19-month old daughter fell from her moving car but she “failed to notice because she was chatting with a friend”. The badly bruised girl lived and is now in the custody of her grandparents. Hey, I’ve got an idea, lady! Start a petition! I’m sure not only you’ll get your little girl back, but they’ll also give a Mother of the Year award for all the trouble this despotic justice system has cast upon you.

• These two monsters, former police officer Luis Abelardo Patti and former de facto president Reynaldo Bignone, who systematically violated human rights during the last military dictatorship have finally been sentenced to life in prison. And they can burn in hell, for all I care. Unless, of course, their friends start a petition. So shhhh.

• This week in your mandatory Big Brother column: It’s almost over guys! This utterly boring program that resembles more an episode of a bad sitcom than a reality show is about to end. And who’s everyone rooting for? Well, the guy who represents everything that’s wrong with society, of course. This violent douche (named Cristian U.) is a sociopath and also a ludomaniac (yeah, I knew you’d need a link for that), who carefully schemes every little plan of his in order to play the other participants and make them turn on each other. And that’s exactly what the population loves. Ten years ago, when the first Big Brother Argentina took place, the winner was a nice, quiet guy who never really had a fight with anyone. Ten years later, people prefer the loud, violent douchebag who manages to fuck you over without you even noticing. The times are a changin’ alright. Also, someone made a cumbia in his honor.

• Filled with rage due to the violent and senseless attacks against freedom of the press in the hands of tyrant (albeit hot) President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, City Mayor Mauricio Macri, who only cares about working for the people and not the millions he has in his bank account issued an emergency decree stating that any illegal action taken against newspapers and other sort of media (like blocking its distribution and delivery) will be considered illegal. So yeah, see what he did? He declared illegal something that already was illegal. Some pair of balls, that Macri has.

• Hide your boyfriends and husbands girls! Remember cheesy Bailando por un Sueño (the Argentine “Dancing with the Stars”)? Well, it’s almost back. And not only Pamela Anderson is going to be one of the stars in it, but also it’s going to be shot in 3-D. Can you imagine watching this crap in 3-D??!?! That sentence just blew my fucking mind off! So unless you want your already decadent sex life to become extinct, sell your TV’s.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

Don’t be so happy though, since leaving your home is now more dangerous than ever!

Why, you say? Read everything that went down this week. It’s all so scary it sounds like Fox News!

Here’s what you need to know:

• 

  Political pariah and also Vice-President Julio Cobos (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Everybody run home, lock your doors, board up your windows and brace for impact! Without apparent notice, the National Government decided to pull out all police presence from public spaces in the city (such as parks, hospitals, schools and City Government buildings) last Tuesday. In yet another vicious confrontation between the Fernandez de Kirchner administration and City Hall, the Ministry of Security decided to recall all Federal Police officers deployed throughout the city because “the local government had failed to pay for those services for the last six months.”

  This of course, gave Mayor Macri the perfect excuse to go to the media and whine for hours about “how the National Government doesn’t care about the people” (Hint: he doesn’t care about the people either). In the meantime of course, we’re all getting robbed. So in closing, this whole debacle can only be attributed to the extreme ideological differences between President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner (Victory Front party, center-left) and Buenos Aires City Mayor Mauricio Macri (PRO party, center-right) who keep fighting over the stupidest things every day. Oh, just fuck already.

• By the way, try not to get sick this weekend, since due to the police pullout all 33 public hospitals in the City are staging a strike that may continue until next week. Ever since police presence was eliminated, several doctors and patients have been assaulted, robbed or threatened by crack heads who break in looking to score some meds by force. Emergency rooms remain open, of course. But that heart transplant you got scheduled for tomorrow? Yeah, I’ve got some bad news for you.

• Stop the presses! Vice-President Julio Cobos (who no one cares about, really) announced on Thursday that he had decided not to run for president next October. Everyone pretty much reacted to the news with a bland “OK,” and that’s all there is to say about it.

• Welcome to Argentina, Michael Buble! And now that you’re married to an Argentine chick, the country is ready to make you feel at home. That’s why, while you were celebrating the joys of holy matrimony in an over the top party with your family last Saturday, robbers broke into your wife’s house and stole a bunch of stuff. And every expat knows that nothing says “welcome to Argentina” like getting robbed on the second day you move here! So in fact, you should be flattered by the whole thing. It means you’ve joined the club! (Although I admit that throwing your wife’s VCR and DVD players in the swimming pool just for fun may have been too much). Come to think of it, who the fuck owns a VCR in 2011? I say, throw that shit in there.

• Oh, here we go again. Osama Bin Laden is coming for your children! According to Brazilian popular magazine Veja (think “Time,” only
  

  Quite possibly your neighbor. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  right-wing) Al Qaeda and Hezbollah are operating in the Triple Frontier region! These “terrorist cells” are apparently sending money to the Middle East, money that will later be used by Osama himself to purchase a couple of grenades in the black market and, in an ironic twist, use them to blow you up while dancing to the rhythm of the Konex’s Bomba de Tiempo. So this is all a perfect excuse for right-wing politicians in the US to call for an immediate invasion of Brazil, Paraguay and Argentina and for left-wing politicians in Argentina to assure that “the US Army is coming for our water!!!!”. No matter who’s right, we’re all fucked.

• This week, in your mandatory Big Brother column: I don’t know, something about a fight, maybe? I just don’t care anymore. So here’s a link for something that happened.

• Remember last week’s photo of Foreign Minister Hector Timerman with Bono? Well, guess what! Economy Minister Amado Boudou didn’t want to be less than him, so he showed up with his stoned girlfriend backstage after a show and asked to be photographed with the entire band! Look at his girlfriend’s reddish, glassy eyes. Naughty, naughty!

• Ok, so picture this: it’s the middle of the night and a passenger train traveling to Buenos Aires catches on fire. The engine drivers slowly stop the train in the middle of nowhere and put out the (relatively small) fire, but the engine won’t start because it’s been damaged by the heat. Since all passengers are safe, and many of them are still asleep, the engine drivers call for another train to pick the passengers up and take them to their final destination. Everything good so far, right? Yeah, except for the tiny, insignificant detail that the asshole drivers gave the rescue train the wrong coordinates, causing a distance miscalculation and a head on collision between the two trains which left over 70 people injured. There ya go Hollywood, that’s your plot for the opening scene of Final Destination 5. Your welcome.

• Last April 2nd, on the 29th anniversary of the beginning of the Malvinas/Falklands conflict between Argentina and the UK, Foreign Minister Hector Timerman met with UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon and gave him yet another letter urging him to convince David Cameron to start negotiating on the islands’ sovereignty. Good luck with that, Mr. Foreign Minister! Because unless that letter threatens to go public with evidence of a sex tape starring David Cameron and Perez Hilton, those kelpers aren’t going anywhere. Just saying.

• This week was the 20^th anniversary of the implementation of the Convertibility Plan. Back in the early 90’s, when you didn’t know (or care) about Argentina, the “one peso – one dollar” parity made the population feel like they were on top of the world. Frequent shopping trips to Miami were in fashion, changing cars every six months was a must and only poor people and teenagers ate at Mc. Donald’s. Now, in 2011, only the privileged get to enjoy a healthy Big Mac, but here’s a neat presentation put up by the newspaper Perfil so you can understand what Argentines could buy with one peso before 2001. Enjoy (and eventually get depressed)!

• Attention moviegoers! The 2011 Independent Film International Festival of Buenos Aires (BAFICI) has begun! The good news is that by going to see that Iranian movie you heard of, or that Icelandic short with the cool poster, you’ve covered your yearly quota of independent shit you have to put up with in order to make your girlfriend/boyfriend happy. Don’t worry though, the Transformers 3 premiere is right around the corner! Click here for the BAFICI website, with schedules and other stuff.

• Do you remember that long-standing bilateral conflict between Turkey and Armenia? OK, I will ignore the fact that you didn’t know there was a country called Armenia, and explain to you that for almost a century, the Armenian population have been decrying the silence of the international community for what they consider was a genocide orchestrated by the Ottoman Empire before, during – oh God, you need a Wikipedia link for that too? Here you go. Try reading once in a while. – and after World War I. Turkey has always denied the existence of an “Armenian Holocaust.” However, in a bold movement by the Argentine justice, Federal Judge Norberto Oyarbide declared that, after carefully reviewing a lawsuit filed by Armenian citizens in the country, Turkey was indeed guilty of genocide, making this the first court of justice in the world to recognize the killings. You got some balls, judge! Also, there’s now a price on your head.

• 

  High-class hooker visits Argentina. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  And last but not least: do you wanna become a celebrity in Argentina? You should try, it’s really not that hard! All you need is a ticket to Hollywood and to take a photo with a celebrity. It doesn’t matter who, just any celebrity. I promise you’ll become an instant someone here. Someone who has “made it in Hollywood,” therefore you’re a celebrity. That’s what this douchebag did last February when he went to Los Angeles, got invited to some celebrity’s home for some Oscars after party and become a favorite among gossip magazines. Considering he had never done anything of relevance here, except taking part in a stupid game show as a “lifeguard,” that’s what magazines are calling him now. “The lifeguard makes it in Hollywood!”. And not only that, he’s become involved with train wreck model Katie Price, who landed in Buenos Aires this week and, when asked about what she thought of Argentina, she replied she had expected to see “more country” and less city. So there, that’s all it takes. Watch out, Ashton Kutcher! There’s a new heartthrob in town! Or not.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And what’s even better… I’m back! No, I wasn’t fired, kidnapped or thrown in jail for subversion (although I might be after today’s column). I was just on vacation! So I apologize I wasn’t there last week when tenor Placido Domingo had to sing under the stars because musicians at the Colon Theater refused to play due to a union conflict, or when mafia boss / union leader Hugo Moyano threatened to freeze the country because he was against a money laundering investigation against him.

Anyway, lots of things happening this week, with journalism being pretty much at the center of attention. So dust off your reading glasses and get ready for your favorite column again!

Here’s what you need to know:

• 

  The blank front page of Clarin (I wrote the headline, teehee!) (Photo/Me)

  The entire world of journalism (local and foreign) was in an uproar last Wednesday after learning that the University of La Plata had decided to honor Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez with a journalism award in support of his “freedom of speech and plurality of voices” initiative (oh, the irony!). Sure, Chavez (who, like it or not, is not a dictator, he was voted in office) has spearheaded the TeleSur network and engaged in multiple activities to promote Latin American values, but he has also pretty much slammed dissenting voices in journalism that are part of a plural society. The worst part is that the so-called “award” was actually an excuse for Chavez to come down to Argentina and give a boring two-hour long speech on domestic policy, telling people who to vote for in the October elections. Which is pretty much the biggest kind of diplomatic fuck up in the Foreign Affairs instruction booklet. But, if you still wanna see the whole thing, prep the popcorn and take a seat, it’s kind of dreadfully enjoyable.

• So on one side you have Chavez hurting journalism by getting an award I’m not sure he deserves. But on the other side, and also hurting that profession, you’ve got the Clarin newspaper, once revered as “the great Argentine newspaper,” now behaving like a cry baby. You see, due to an internal union conflict last week, many protestors picketed the Clarin distribution plant, so the Sunday edition could not be delivered anywhere in the country. The national government, currently at odds with Clarin, decided to turn a blind eye on the whole thing and allowed for the picketing to continue. The result? One fucking pissed-off behemoth of a newspaper with a blank front page on Monday to protest the conflict, and using over 20 pages to blame the government of attacking freedom of speech and promoting censure. Was the practice of picketing outside their plant the right thing to do? Probably not. Or yes, I honestly don’t care. But using the whole episode to blame the government and continue antagonizing people across the country, that’s a big no-no, children. Lady Liberty cried that day.

• Oh, Mr. Foreign Minister Hector Timerman! You got some splainin’ to do! This guy, I tell you, he’s got the ability to fuck things up even when he’s sleeping. Now that the conflict with the US has been left behind (hopefully), a story was printed this week in the Perfil newspaper, accusing Timerman of “being in negotiations” with Iran to drop the investigations accusing the Islamic republic of being responsible for the two bloodiest terrorist attacks in Argentine history (the Israeli embassy and the AMIA) in exchange for “improving the bilateral economic relations.” IT’S ALL ABOUT THE OIL PEOPLE!!! Sorry for the outburst. Anyway, you know what I mean. Now Israel is pissed off with Timerman, who happens to be Jewish. So he’s got some busy shit to deal with, this guy, before they start nuking us.

• “OH MY GOD THAT U2 RECITAL WAS FUCKING AMAZING!” is what I would have said if I had actually decided to pay 600 pesos and drive 50 kilometers to La Plata to see a band that I mildly care about. Did you go? Congrats! That means that you were not one of the thousands of ticket-holder losers who never made it because they were stuck in the Buenos Aires – La Plata highway during rush hour.  How’d you enjoy the drive back? I mean, if you were back in Buenos Aires before 6 am that means you were lucky! No, in all seriousness now, the show was apparently amazing. And it’s no surprise since Argentines love U2 and Bono. Even the night before the show, Bono met with President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and was forced to pose awkwardly with the always embarrassing Foreign Minister Hector Timerman. Hey, at least they didn’t exchange glasses. That would have been even more horrible to witness.

• Do you remember the story of Ricardo Barreda, A.K.A “Little Pussy”? The guy who one day got sick of being abused by his family, snapped and killed his wife, his two daughters and his mother-in-law? Guess what! He’s been released after spending 19 years in prison since he’s apparently “kind of a nice guy.” Yay! Let’s all celebrate that a psychotic quadruple-murderer might be living close to your home! Are you living in Belgrano? Yeah, well. Maybe you should move. Just saying.

• Oh, and in case you didn’t know, Little Pussy decided to enjoy his first night out by eating some milanesas in some fancy restaurant in
  

  Did you know? This big-ass structure featured in the U2 tour that looks like a claw is, coincidentally, called "The Claw." (Photo/Wikipedia)

  San Telmo last Wednesday. The fun part? As paparazzis approached the restaurant, they realized that hundreds of people and cameras were already there, although for a whole different reason: only a few meters away, in a nearby restaurant, Bono was enjoying a nice, juicy Argentine steak. So the fact that Bono and Little Pussy crossed paths for a second was kind of a fun story, prompting the hash tag #BarredaBono to instantly become a trending topic in Argentina. And in case you were wondering, Bono apparently wasn’t killed. Which is good, right?

• Save the date kids! The City Government has announced that mayoral elections in the city are scheduled to take place on July 10th. You know what that means! You don’t? Oh, I thought you would know. Anyway, it means that the veda electoral goes in effect the night before (so no nightclubs, bars or strip clubs are allowed to open their doors and alcohol purchase is forbidden). Don’t worry though; young people have been fooling that law for years! Just buy a lot of beer on Friday and throw a party at your place! You can discuss politics, exchange opinions on who’s the best candidate or learn about their social programs. Haha, nah, I’m kidding. It’s all about drinking until you pass out.

• Oh, you journalist smartasses. You think you’re so clever, don’t you? As the flu season approaches, the government began a vaccination campaign so people would get their flu shots before it’s too late and we all die due to a swine flu outbreak. Anyway, the first one to get vaccinated was the President in her office (Click on this photo! It’s hilarious!). Now, in case you were not aware, when in Argentina you tell someone “they got vaccinated” that is slang for “you got fucked” (because a penis is like a needle, geddit?), so the (most probably) interns at the online newspaper eldiario24.com had no better idea than to write the headline “Cristina gets vaccinated.” Was it intentional? Of course. There’s no way they didn’t realize that their headline made it sound like the president was getting fucked. Great job, you unfunny idiots!

• This week, in your inevitable Big Brother column: What? That shit’s still on? Dayum! Honestly, I have no idea of what’s been happening, so let’s just skip this. I’m pretty sure you’re not missing much anyway.

• Also in trash TV this week: remember former disgusting asshole and now current entertainment pariah Ricardo Fort? You do? That’s too bad. Anyway, once again he got into a fight with gossip king Jorge Rial via Facebook, only this time he crossed the line and messed with Rial’s adoptive children. The result is kind of cringe-worthy, with Rial threatening to kill Fort on live television, telling him he was going to shoot him in the head the next time he saw him. If this was Europe or the US, the entire country would be in an uproar. But fortunately this is Argentina, and everyone just laughed at the whole thing. Not because they didn’t believe he would do it, but because it would actually be funny if it happened.

• Argentina (and Hollywood, for some reason) are celebrating the marriage between Canadian big band singer Michael Bublé and super-über-archi-mega-ultra FUCKING HOT beautiful girlfriend, Argentine actress Luisana Lopilato. Lopilato (featured next to Bublé in this music video) is apparently now headed for Hollywood, where she expects to make it big and become an A-list celebrity. And hopefully they’ll get divorced soon and she’ll be back on the market. That’s right, I said it. I don’t care what you think. I don’t wish them well.

• Oh, and speaking of things I hate, here’s some stuff about football that will hopefully be enough to satisfy your thirst for this horrendous sport: apparently two players in the Racing team made the headlines this week when they started fighting during practice. The whole thing is really fun to watch, especially because they move in such an awkward way. Ha! Football players.

• Also in football news this week, Argentina played a friendly (sounds sexual doesn’t it?) against Costa Rica and lost. Well, not lost but the match ended 0 – 0. And in the complex twists and turns of the Argentine psyche, that’s just like losing. Sorry!

• Were you planning on flying somewhere inside the country for the Easter weekend? Maybe take a trip down the Valle de la Luna? Or visit Ushuaia at the end of the world? Well if you were, you’re fucked. As of this week, all tickets for domestic flights will cost an additional 8 percent. According to the government “ticket sales have increased last year, meaning people are flying more, meaning people have more money, meaning we can now charge more for tickets, meaning we’re fucking you over.” So if you were hoping to fly to Bariloche for a few days, I recommend you put up with the 24-hr long bus ride from Buenos Aires. Sure, it’s a pain in the ass, but think of the things you could do with the money you saved! You could even buy an extra bottle of Quilmes! So there, I just helped you save. You’re welcome.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And you know what? No one gives a shit. Trust me, for the last five days I’ve struggled, looking around for information, for important events taking place around the country, but so far, it seems that the carnival celebrations have taken a toll.  This sort of “mini-vacation” that everyone enjoyed this past long weekend seems to have everybody in a daze, so nothing of relevance has really happened.

Anyway. Here’s what you need to know.

• 

  Did I mention that I hate carnival? Well, I hate it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Oh, carnival, how we’ve enjoyed thee. Although apparently not as much as our politicians, who no matter how much we warn them, they end up getting drunk and acting like fools in front of journalists. Take City Mayor Mauricio Macri, for example, who was caught taking part in the Gualeguaychu corso while hugging a quasi-naked dancer, or Economy Minister Amado Boudou, who showed up all sweaty and dirty at the Boedo carnival and joined the “Los Pericos” band on stage. “Will do anything to capture the young vote”? Nah, where’d you get that idea? The way things are going, both of them are gonna be guest starring in a porno.

• And speaking of lame attempts to attract the youth, here’s a cute little video that has gone viral in the last few days, featuring this tone deaf asshole singing a song he allegedly wrote in support of the PRO party and “future president” Mauricio Macri. By the way, don’t blame me if you decide to kill yourself after watching it.

• What, you weren’t expecting me to translate what he’s saying, right? Figure it out yourself! I saw that shit once and I’m never going near it again.

• Do you remember that whole diplomatic mess last month in which the local government accused the US of trying to smuggle weaponry and expired medicine by hiding them in the cargo of an Air Force plane? Remember the photo of Foreign Minister Hector Timerman personally examining the content of the cargo? The two guys using the pliers to open a case? Yeah, well, it was all a photo-op. A Federal Court ruled that “no crime was committed” by the US since there was no evidence to suggest otherwise and US officials “never refused to show the contents of the cases and crates.” Which basically means that Mr. Timerman was just acting out of spite because Obama was not visiting.

• Can we please just admit that politicians here are behaving like five-year olds? The City Government, responsible for finishing works on the
  

  President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner meets two hot chicks who happen to be the Vendimia Queen and Vice-Queen. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Illia Highway (sorry, no English site) has “had it with the National Government’s excuses.” You see, the Macri administration blames the President for ” . So what do they do instead on the Government House’s doors? They put up a giant sign that says “This highway is almost finished. The National Government’s failure to comply with what we needs is slowing down our work.” Clap, clap, very mature. The National Government’s response? Another sign! And right in front of the other! This one reads “In order to finish these works, we need the blueprints. Macri: being in government means being responsible and working hard.” In the meantime, the ilia Highway remains unfinished, and considering that the world ends in 2012, I’m not sure it’s really worth taking care of it by now. Oh well.

• Oh, and that’s not the only confrontation between both governments this week. Do you remember what happened at the Iberoamericano Park three months ago, when the City Government tried to remover some illegal settlers from the park and the National Government stopped them? Well, it’s now happening all over again at the Avellaneda Park. As Mayor Macri asks for help from the Federal Police and President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner tells him to “take care of the problem by himself”, both administrations have engaged into this boring he-said, she-said routine that will probably take days to go away (and I think this is the most exciting thing that happened all week!).

• Oh! And the Fiesta Nacional de la Vendimia took place in Mendoza, and while the President was opening the ceremony on live television and before thousands of people, a mutiny was taking place backstage since dancers refused to go on stage due to “poor labor conditions”.

• So apparently there’s this transsexual girl named Milena Hot (allegedly “the number one actress in local porn”) who has had enough with her favorite football team, Newell’s Old Boys, “being treated unfairly” during the games, so now she’s staging a protest outside the club. Naked, of course. What is she specifically asking for? No one cares. I don’t care. I just needed some filler and this was perfect for that.

• This week, in your Big Brother obligatory column: nothing happened. I swear. This thing is so boring it makes me wanna poke out my eyeballs with a rusty spoon. There was something going on with one of the participants cross dressing but I really, really couldn’t care less.

And… that’s it.

No, seriously, that’s it! I told you nothing special happened this week!

So, yeah.

You can go away now.

*cough*

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

Oh, I see. You’re upset because this wasn’t uploaded yesterday? Get off my back! Have you got any idea of how much work goes into this column? I’ve got people in South Korea working 24/7 trying to look for the right You Tube video/ Wikipedia link so you can go “Oh!” every time I talk about someone you don’t know and are too lazy to look for yourself. You think that’s cheap? Maybe you can try coming up with new tongue-in-cheek remarks every Friday afternoon while I chug on a pitcher of beer in some dark San Telmo bar at 5 pm.

So put up or shut up.

Oh yeah, and this is what you need to know.

• 

  Vice-President Julio Cobos. Also known as Judas. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Finally! After two and a half months of political inaction, lawmakers are back in Congress, ready to screw up our lives in many unexpected ways. President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner inaugurated the congressional year with a 90-minute long speech that focused mostly on her administration’s achievements instead of her plans for legislation. And despite several important announcements, what everyone cared about was seeing how she would behave once she sat next to her nemesis, her Lex Luthor, her Darth Vader, her Giant Chicken (what, you never watched Peter Griffin fight the Giant Chicken?): Vice-President Julio Cobos himself. In case you didn’t know, in this country the President and the Vice-President hate each other, and if you care to know why, I’ll explain it to you on the next item. But going back to this week, things got kind of tense when the President, tired of being interrupted by a small crowd who wouldn’t stop chanting “Cobos for president,” tapped Mr. Cobos on the hand and told him, with a sarcastic smile: “try getting some education for your little crowd over there.”  Many applauded, others booed, I rejoiced.

• OK, so the story with Cobos goes like this (if you don’t care about this, just skip it and shut up): when Fernandez de Kirchner announced she would run for president back in 2007, she said she would pick a running mate from a party other than her own since she was looking to form some sort of a coalition. So she picked Julio Cobos, who was from the UCR (Radical Civic Party. And before you go “radical!?!”, you should know that the word here doesn’t have the same negative connotation it has in English). So anyway, they both got elected and everything seemed to be perfect for them, until one fateful day in July, 2008. On that July 18th, after months of nationwide protests due to a bill pushed by the President that intended to raise grain export taxes, the Senate was supposed to turn it into a law. The voting was 36-36, so it was up to the Vice-President, as head of the Senate, to cast the tie-breaking vote. Cobos, who had mixed feelings about the bill, panicked. At midnight, he locked himself into his office and refused to get out. By 4:20 am, with the whole country still awake watching the news, he came out of his office, sat in his chair and said: “may History judge me. I vote against it.” Thousands celebrated in the streets, while Kirchnerites stood with their mouths open in horror, feeling betrayed.  Since then, the President and the Vice-President have barely spoken to each other, and Cobos is considered to be some sort of Judas. The end. Look at you, all learning about Argentina and stuff!

• The opposition was in an uproar last week when lawmaker Diana Conti (labelled an “Ultra-K” for her strong support to the Kirchnerite agenda) said her sector would be pushing for a constitutional reform so they could have “an eternal Cristina in power” by reelecting her every four years. However, the President came out against that, saying that no only she wasn’t interested, but she would never gather enough votes for such a thing. And now Diana Conti looks like an idiot. Did I mention she’s still on trial over corruption charges? Because she is.

• Ready to roll your eyes again? OK, here we go: when it was announced this week that Literature Nobel Prize winner Mario Vargas Llosa would be visiting Buenos Aires for the International Book Fair in April, the same “Ultra-K” idiots who were pushing for a constitutional reform now decided that for Vargas Llosa to be present at the expo was wrong due to his political ideology and asked to have him removed. Granted, the writer is very right-wing and I understand why they don’t like him. But from there to actually censor the guy, specially when your party stands for democracy and freedom of speech sounds kind of idiotic. Fortunately, the President, who not only is hot but also smart, intervened and said that Vargas Llosa was not to be censored. However, if you wanna see these ultra-bullshit hypocrites in action, make sure you visit the Book Fair on the day he’s expected to speak. I assure you hundreds of losers who have never even read Vargas Llosa will be there, ready to protest and interrupt his speech. Don’t believe me? They’ve already done it to Hilda Molina due to her anti-Castro rhetoric. Mark my words, you heard it here first.

• It seems that the war against the US continues, even though no one is listening  anymore. A report from the US
  

  Writer Mario Vargas Llosa. Also known as Hitler. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Department of State came out this week, calling Argentina “the second largest cocaine market in South America” after Brazil, which prompted Chief of Staff Anibal Fernandez (who else?) to respond. “They are trying to make us look like the black sheep. We’re just getting a small part in the cocaine market because mainly they (the US) are the ones buying most of it.” And yeah, he is kind of right (have you read this?), but still, are you people ever gonna get over the fact that Obama is not visiting? Please, I need some new material and this is getting old. Either set off a nuclear weapon or shut up.

• Have you ever been to La Salada? Clearly you haven’t, otherwise your body would be washing ashore the Rio de la Plata by now after being savagely beaten to death. Haha! I’m joking of course. You would have been shot. But I digress.  La Salada is some sort of street fair in Lomas de Zamora known for selling contraband merchandise, some of them stolen and some of them counterfeit. Anyway, in yet another report by the US, the place was labeled an “epicenter of fraud and a safe haven for counterfeit merchandise.” OK, you know what US? Shut up already. We get it. Argentina has a long way to go. But at least this doesn’t happen here, gay people can get married, separation of Church and State is pretty clear and corporations are kept at bay. So think about that for a bit, hmm?

• This week, in your inevitable Big Brother column: Finally, some action! After weeks of absolutely nothing happening (not even sex, and I’m not kidding), those brain dead kids seemed to come back to life briefly when a violent fight between two contestants took place. Unfortunately none of them was killed. In fact, no one even got punched, but it was nice to hear their little outburst. Now the audience can see who they really are: a bunch of money-hungry, fame-whoring racist teens whose abundance of ignorance makes us all blush whenever we admit we watch this shit. So there. Oh, and they also got a dog. Enjoy.

• Argentina unveiled a new, modern, renovated and “original” t-shirt for the national football team that looks exactly like the one they had before. God, I hate football.

• Did you remember to bring your expensive little walking shoes from whatever country you come from? Good, because as of this week, and thanks to the ever-powerful taxi drivers’ union, many of us will have to walk to our nightclub/party of choice unless we want to spend our entire salaries on cab fare. You see, since “there’s a lot of crime going on” and cab drivers “feel vulnerable” about it, a bill was passed so they’re allowed a 20 percent raise in fare from 10 pm to 6 am. A trip from Puerto Madero to Palermo? 50 pesos. So next time you wanna go out and party until sunrise, make sure the nightclub is inside a half a mile radius. If not, stay home and get drunk by yourself. I know, it’s lame, but at least you’re not giving your pesos to those money-hungry bastards.

• Remember these two lovebirds, Luciana Salazar and Martin Redrado, who announced their love via Twitter on Valentine’s Day? Yeah, they broke up. And via Twitter! “He is perverse. He disappointed me as a man and as a human being,” she said in less than 140 characters. OK, so now the guy has no career, no girlfriend, aaaaaaand those gay rumors are starting to surface again. Life sucks (for him).

• Argentines are enraged with their justice system again (aren’t they every week?) after learning that former WBO world junior-lightweight champion and current criminal Rodrigo “Hiena” Barrios had done it again. Almost a year ago, after leaving a party in Mar del Plata completely drunk, the boxer got on his car and caused an accident that ended up killing a pregnant woman (her unborn child died too). He escaped but he was caught, only to be released a few hours later after he posted bail. So as he waits to go to trial for manslaughter, you would think he would behave, no? No. Early in the morning yesterday, a semi naked young girl was found crying for help close to his house, claiming that Barrios had kept her in his house and had tried to rape her. Ha! This guy, he’s like a local Charlie sheen. Oh, and did I mention that he was released after being questioned again? Because he was. So if you see this psycho, run for your life. You may get raped.

• Bonus: Did you know Cindy Lauper was in town? I know, I thought she was dead too! But apparently she’s not, and she came to Buenos Aires for a concert or whatever.  The thing is, after she was done, she got to the Aeroparque airport in order to leave the city and learned that all flights were seriously delayed (as usual) due to the large amounts of people flying out for the long weekend, and passengers were about to burn the whole place down in anger. So what did she do? She grabbed a mike from one of the counters and began singing “Girls just wanna have fun,” calming everyone down. And with that disinterested act of good will, I forgive her for this.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And whoever came up with that “TGIF” shit, clearly never lived in Buenos Aires. Once again, it was chaos this morning, courtesy of your “protest of the day” goons, who enjoy making everyone else’s life miserable. However, isn’t that kind of unpredictability what makes this city such an exciting place to live in? (No). Oh well, at least we’re not in Libya, right?

Right?

*sigh*

Fine, here’s what you need to know:

• 

  Well, yeah. It's a train, what else did you expect? (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Have you taken a train today? No, of course you haven’t. In fact, you never take a train unless it’s to take your visiting friends to Tigre, ain’t that right? Anyway, if you needed to take a train today, you would have been fucked, since the Railway Union called a general strike on all train lines from midnight to noon in order to show support  for the union’s recently imprisoned leader Jose Pedraza, who’s been accused of murder. Now, as a foreigner, this is all you need to know, so you can go to Facebook and complain about what a shitty country this is. However, and in honor of those who truly read this column for its informational value, I’ve decided to explain the whole matter in the next item. If you’re not interested, just skip it, no one’s gonna judge you (except for me).

• Bravo! I’m glad to see you’re truly interested in what happens in this country (unless you’re not and despite my warnings you’re reading this anyway, which means you’re stupid).  Whatever. Last October 20th, outsourced workers in the Roca train line were blocking the tracks in Avellaneda, demanding to be hired as permanent staff. During the protest, members of the Workers’ Party and the Buenos Aires University Federation arrived in order to support them. But a few minutes later they ran into the Railway Union goons, who had showed up in order to stop the protest and had enlisted the help of several hooligans from the Racing football club and seemed to be in cahoots with the police. The two factions clashed, a violent fight broke out and someone had the brilliant idea of pulling out a gun and start shooting indiscriminately. One of those bullets hit Workers’ Party activist Mariano Ferreyra in the chest, and killed him within minutes as networks broadcast his slow agony live all over the country. Ferreyra’s death sparked protests across the city, and authorities launched an investigation in order to find out who had fired the gun. Eventually, the investigation led to the head of the Railway Union, Jose Pedraza, who was arrested this week and is now accused of murder. So unionists, in response, decided to stage a strike. And that’s all there is to know. Yay, you made it all the way through! Here, have a cookie.

• Great news everyone! It appears President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner may be gradually leaving her mourning stage behind! After almost four months of wearing black since her husband passed away, Mrs. Fernandez de Kirchner was seen wearing a black dress with some white flounces on it this week. This is great news! It means I get to make fun of her again without being afraid of burning in hell for the rest of eternity. Hurray!

• Before the US decides to nuke us all due to the local government’s accusations that the US Air Force tried to smuggle “sensitive material” into the country, it appears that the Department of State has given Foreign Minister Hector “Twitterman” Timerman a taste of his own medicine. Mr. Timerman, who is addicted to Twitter and probably thinks that “diplomacy” is the art of hanging a diploma on the wall, was probably pissed when he saw that Philip Crowley, the US Assistant Secretary of State for Public Affairs, tweeted that “we want our stuff back.“ I’m loving this whole post-modern shit. Going to war over Twitter? The way things are going, next week we’re gonna have a mud fight between Hillary Clinton and President Fernandez de Kirchner. Who wins? All of us, of course.

• On second thought, it seems that war with the Great Satan will have to wait, since apparently now Uruguay is pissed off with us because of a recent move by the local government to extend the imports’ “non automatic license” system to a total of 600 products, delaying the clearance of imports up to 60 days, with the exception of Brazilian products. So now Uruguay is mad at the local government because it feels left out of the deal. What this all means is that your chances of buying an iPad for a cheaper price here are really, really slim.

• This week, in your inevitable Big Brother column: This pretty lady named Rocio, who’s as hot as she is stupid (and she’s really, really hot), was given the chance to reenter the game and keep playing, even though she was the first loser to be voted out of the house. However, and even though she had an “I’m totally winning this” attitude, first she had a nervous breakdown and then decided to leave the house voluntarily just  a few days after entering. Her reasons were that “she was destined to greatness” and that by being in the house “she was losing a lot of money.” Oh sure, the only thing she’s done so far is being featured on the cover of Playboy Argentina, but  I’m sure she’s gonna go far. Can anyone say “porn industry”?

• Since we’re talking about hot chicks, feast your eyes on this (sorry girls). Her name is Nicole Neumann and she’s a former teen model. An
  

  Chief of Staff Anibal Fernandez and his mighty mustache (Photo/Wikipedia)

  icon of the 90′s who has remained in the spotlight and in the fantasies of Argentine men for years. So it’s kind of a bummer that she may be behind bars soon. You see, last year Ms. Neumann was heading to some gig located in the wrong part of town (Quilmes), and she claims her car was ambushed by robbers who started shooting at her vehicle. She told the media that crime in Argentina “had become unbearable” and that she just “couldn’t live like that anymore.” These statements apparently pissed off the President’s Chief of Staff Anibal Fernandez, who, besides apparently having a lot of time on his hands, accused her of making up a bogus story in order to avoid her gig.  Well, this week, the case investigating the alleged robbery was closed and she now may be facing perjury charges since there isn’t a single piece of evidence that can prove that the incident took place. Oh well. At least she’s still hot.

• The government continues its crusade against inflation, and has now begun punishing economic consultants “who irresponsibly come up with an inflation rate that is higher than the one cooked up established by the INDEC statistics agency.” The first victim was the Orlando Ferreres y Asociados consultancy firm, who was fined with $500,000 pesos for violating the Commercial Loyalty Law after it published “inaccurate inflation estimates.” Just in case, from now I’m never talking about this issue again, and I’ll just say that inflation is a myth. So you know: Death to America and viva la revolucion, and all that.

• The President recently launched a new Sports network labeled “Sports for all” in which people will be able to watch for free whenever the Argentine team is featured in the World Cup, the Olympics, the Pan-American games and other crap that is dreadfully boring to watch. Great, more ways of dumbing down the crowds so they will not complain about the ever-rising inflation. Please ignore the last sentence.

• And finally, do you live in the Belgrano area? Because if you do, your home was probably underwater after a huge storm hit the city last Sunday and made the neighborhood look like Venice. In any case, if your home ever gets flooded, please don’t react the way former model and current train wreck Flavia Palmiero (sorry again girls) did, who instead of calling 911, asked for help on Twitter. All her cries for help were met with sarcasm and point-and-laugh jokes as she saw all her stuff get ruined by the muddy waters. The moral of the story: Twitter is full of mean people, so remember to stay away from them.

• Bonus: since I feel that most of the photos have been of fine, attractive young ladies today, I’d like to apologize to my female audience, and offer you, in return, a photo of Maradona wearing nothing but a speedo. You girls like Maradona right?

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday Tuesday again! And no, we didn’t change the day for the Weekly News Roundup, it’s just I’ve been too busy to care about it! See? Isn’t life better when we are all honest about ourselves? Like, for example, I know you don’t give a shit about me spending the entire Friday afternoon writing it since you usually read it “some time during the weekend,” but it’s OK, I still like you (unless you like that movie “Fight Club,” in which case you’re an idiot).

Anyway, let’s get down to business, shall we? This is what you needed to know last weekend and I was too lazy to upload on time:

• 

  Do you have one of these? You might wanna hold on to it, just in case. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  WAR! Argentina has said enough and decided to finally speak out against tyrannical and probably Kenyan Nazi/communist/capitalist Barack Saddam Hussein Obama! In an unprecedented move, and led by Foreign Minister Hector Timerman, the local government accused the US of trying to smuggle “illegal communication devices and expired medicine” into the country after raiding a US Air Force plane that landed in the Ezeiza airport on February 10th. The plane’s cargo, which contained weapons that were to be used in a joint training operation between the US Army and the Federal Police, was seized after Customs authorities found “sensitive material” in it and instead of solving the whole thing there, the entire government got involved, sparking an international incident that has the US going “huh?”. Of course, this is all a shameful act put up by the local government, who’s behaving out of spite like a disgusted teenage girl after learning that President Barack Obama decided to skip Argentina during his Latin American tour. Just in case, just hold on to your passport if you’re a US citizen. You might be classified as an “enemy combatant” tomorrow and be shipped off to the Isla Martin Garcia.

• Oh, and not to piss you off, Madame President, but Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the Managing Director of the IMF has also decided to skip Argentina when visiting South America. Which I guess was a possibility, after you told him to go fuck himself like a hundred times. Oh well, we will always have Hugo Chavez.

• This week, in your inevitable Big Brother segment: Well, it happened. All hell broke loose last week after the production team decided to break the rules and allow four of the show’s most popular participants back in the house, all in the spirit of “spicing things up” in front of the cameras (and making more money of course). When the rest of the players found out about this live, they cried, they screamed and they yelled, saying producers had driven a stake through their soul. Ha ha! You silly people, you don’t have a soul! You sold it for a TV show, remember? Idiots. Watch the whole mutiny unfold here, here and here.

• Believe it or not, this clown is a lawmaker in the Salta province, and boy is he in trouble! Lawmaker Alfredo Olmedo (and his yellow windbreaker) gained nationwide notoriety last year as he strongly came out against the same-sex marriage law that the President was trying to pass in Congress. With controversial statements such as “gay people are sick” and “gay people are doomed,” Mr. Olmedo became somewhat of a joke since he preached “family values and tradition” but at the same time could be seen parading around Cocodrilo, Buenos Aires’ most popular strip club. Unfortunately for him, the law passed, so his head exploded and he went back to his castle in the middle of nowhere, where no homosexual could ever turn him gay.  Last week, however, Mr. Olmedo was once again in the eye of storm after authorities found out he was the owner of several sweatshops in La Rioja and that he had printed thousands of campaign posters in which he could be seen shaking Lionel Messi’s hand. The Messi family is now outraged since apparently the photo was taken at an airport by chance and Olmedo decided to use it to attract voters.  So now they are going to sue.  Ha ha! Karma is a bitch, bitch!

• When he’s not starting a war with the US, controversial Foreign Minister Hector Timerman tweets. And he tweets a lot. Which means he even has time to start twitter fights with former Central Bank governor Martin Redrado and his girlfriend, sex bomb Luciana Salazar. When Mr. Redrado tweeted that Mr. Timerman’s behavior (after learning of Obama’s shunning) reminded him of “a brokenhearted lover,” the Foreign Minister replied with “well you must know a lot about lovers since you’re dating Luciana Salazar.” After such a classy response, Ms. Salazar decided to weight in and politely asked the Foreign Minister to keep her out of their discussions, to which he responded with a lame “Absolutely miss, and dare I say, I’m an avid follower of your work.” Did you just picture him touching himself? Because I did and it ain’t pretty.

• Five people died and over a hundred were injured last week when two passenger trains in the San Martin line collided in the San Miguel
  

  The Estadio Unico, a stadium in La Plata that you will probably never go to since it's a pain in the ass to get there. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  area, prompting the BA government to launch an investigation, which found that one of the trains had padlocks on one of its brakes. What this all means, I have no clue, but just in case, avoid the San Martin line like hell until further notice. It’s not like there are really any picturesque villas you can go tour (and when I say “villa” I don’t mean this, I mean this) so there’s no reason for you to head over there. So yeah. You’re welcome.

• Finally, after almost eight years of waiting, the Estadio Unico, in La Plata was formally inaugurated last week with a somewhat impressive celebration that suspiciously looked a little too much like the one we saw last May 25th during Argentina’s 200th anniversary parade.  The stadium fits 53,000 people and will be one of the venues to host the Copa America later in the year, although you will probably get to see it next month when you go see U2 while I get to stay at home, staring at the wall because I couldn’t get any tickets.

• One-armed Buenos Aires Governor Daniel Scioli (seriously, he only has one arm) is at odds with President Fernandez de Kirchner. Despite belonging to the same party (the Victory Front) and being usually seen smiling together, it is becoming increasingly apparent that Mr. Scioli is a closeted right-wing politician.  So when last week several news outlets incorrectly (although kind of on purpose) announced that schools in the Buenos Aires province would teach children the art of picketing and graffiti as some kind of valid social protest, Mr. Scioli said he would absolutely forbid such teachings since those practices are “illegal.” Which means that picketing, already a common practice in the city, will double soon since they will have to be set up outside of the BA province limits. Still have those walking shoes you bought some time ago? Good, you will need them unless you want to be stuck for three hours inside a bus going to San Telmo.

• Remember the guys who robbed the BAPRO bank in Belgrano during New Year’s Eve? The guys who made it to the cover of the New York Times for outsmarting the police, the government, and the public at large? Who were hoisted as “super smart” and brilliant and original, and everyone assured they were probably in Bali by now so they would never be caught? Yeah, well, they’ve been caught.

Have a great weekend week everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And just like Paul Young used to sing, love is in the air! I’m not sure if it’s because Valentine’s Day is just around the corner or whatever, but Argentines seem to be hornier than usual this week! So not much happening, really, just sexy stuff. Oh, and corruption. So let’s get down to business so you’ve got something to talk about after having sex, avoiding that awkward moment that comes once you’ve done the dirty deed and you’re subconsciously inviting the piece of meat lying next to you to leave your place, shall we? Here’s what you need to know:

• 

  Horniness. You know you have it. (Image/Wikipedia)

  We begin with what has been labeled the Mystery of the Week by many. When most Argentines were sleeping last Tuesday night, a mysterious tweet appeared in City Mayor Mauricio Macri‘s Twitter account. The tweet only contained a link that took whoever clicked on it to the photograph of a woman, a former 80′s model named Marisa Tuchtfeldt. A few minutes later, the tweet disappeared, sparking controversy all over the web, with many people and the media wondering what it meant. No official statement was released, but going by the Occam’s Razor principle, I’d say he was probably looking for masturbatory material at 5 in the morning and he fucked up. Don’t judge, it happens all the time!

• Man, Mendoza cannot catch a break. One week after the accusations that cops used to torture prisoners there, Mendozites/Mendozans/Mendocinians are horrified again, now by the appearance of a sex tape involving the recently crowned Festival de la Vendimia queen, where she can be seen “engaging in lesbian activities” in a nightclub. The horror! You mean women can be lesbians too? What is the world coming to!

• A few eyebrows were raised this week after the media found out that the Pro Party (led by Mayor Macri *wink wink*) has hired former porn stars and pole dancers to promote the candidacy of wannabe governor Jorge Macri in the coastal towns of Pinamar and Mar del Plata.  Check out these classy ladies, huh? This guy is going for the win!

• Argentina played against Portugal on Wednesday (I think), and it obviously won since Ronaldo sucks. After the game, when Lionel Messi landed in Barcelona, some obnoxious fan started to follow him with his blackberry in hand, asking for a photograph in front of the TV cameras. Messi kept walking, unamused, and when it seemed that the guy was about to jump him, his pants suddenly dropped, leaving him semi naked and with no photograph. Is this also sexual? In my dirty mind, it is.

• Do you know who this guy is? Looks important, doesn’t he? His name is Martin Redrado, and he is the former head of the Argentine Central Bank who became a hero to many when he refused to leave his post after being fired by President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner last year. Redrado, who said she was enacting “destructive” policies eventually resigned, but his defiance made him a popular economist around the world, even praised by the US government. Until yesterday, when he announced that he is dating “actress”/”singer” Luciana Salazar. So sure, his career is going down in flames as we speak, but at least he’s probably having the best sex of his life. Oh, and please don’t miss Luli Love’s (that’s her stage name, I’m not kidding) “Luli in love” music video and pay attention to the lyrics. If you hear closely, you will be able to hear William Shakespeare spinning in his grave.

• This week, in your inevitable Big Brother column: remember this douchebag? (No) Well, anyway, producers pulled their lamest stunt in the history of Big Brother this week when, in order to attract more viewers, they decided to let him quit the game “because he needed to see his girlfriend.” Douchebag (whose real name is Cristian) left the house even though many thought he was going to win the game since he was a favorite. But worry not, since apparently they are letting him back in! That’s right, that’s how serious this whole shit is. Seemingly, all Cristian needed was to “see” his girlfriend five times all over the kitchen floor. Agh, just die already.

• This week, in your somewhat irrelevant Soñando por Bailar column: I’m not really up to date on what is happening in this abortion of a reality show, but apparently there’s some rivalry between these two girls sluts, they call each other names and one slaps the other, and the other calls her a “fat suckling pig”. It’s all fun to watch really. Fun in a sad kinda way. (Oh, and the girl going by the name “Luli Love” is not the same Luli Love that I mentioned above). Sigh.

• President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner continues her crusade
  

  You think this looks disgusting? Wait till you see what the government has in store for you. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  against inflation, and still denies the existence of price hikes around the country, even though even Europeans living with Euros here are beginning to complain. So in order to battle “greedy businessmen who raise prices without reason” she announced the creation of a new government program called “Milanesas para todos” (Milanesas for all), in which a kilo of Milanesas will be sold at $21 pesos by the government at specific locations around the country. Now, I don’t mean to rain on your parade, but if last year’s “Hake for all” program is any indication, I would advice against buying any. You see, when the president got some hake in front of the cameras last year, it was actually hake. But when regular folks stood in line for hours to get some, they were given frozen compacted hake, which looked like a hard brick of orange goo. You’ve been warned.

• Did you suffer any of the power outages that affected thousands of users in the city and the Greater Buenos Aires area? No of course you didn’t, you’re not poor. But while you were playing Wii Sports right next to your air conditioner, many had to spend several days without electricity, which meant they couldn’t even fight the extremely high weather with some ice water. And since according to the government the outages were “unjustified,” the three power companies responsible have been fined with millions of pesos and will now have to reimburse clients with checks going from 180 to 450 pesos. Good for you government! Now those people who saw their food go to waste will be able to buy your delicious milanesas! See? The system works. Sometimes.

• Foreign Minister and ticking time bomb of insanity Hector Timerman has done it again. As he engaged in a discussion via Twitter with publicist Gabriel Dreyfuss, whose son died in the Air France plane crash in 2009, the minister managed to erase whatever remnants of professional behavior he might have had left. As Dreyfuss, who I’ll admit was being kind of a dick,  was saying that the minister’s brother, currently living in Israel, was going to have a heart attack after hearing Argentina had decided to recognize Palestine as a state, Minister Timerman replied: “Saying that is as fucked up as if I accused you of killing your son.” Nice. Even I find that to be in poor taste. Anyway, the statement created an instant backlash from the entire political spectrum, with even strong supporters of this government condemning his attitude. However, the minister replied with a “fuck you all” attitude.  It feels great to know that the guy in charge of the Foreign Ministry knows as much about diplomacy as I know about football. Next week preview: “Argentina at war with England again.” You heard it here first.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono