Repent sinner! (Well, at least as long as you’re a Roman-Catholic).

It’s yet another holiday!

I googled "virgin" and this is what came up. Deal with it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

Today, Argentines (and many other countries actually) celebrate what is commonly known as “Día de la virgen” (or ”Day of the Virgin”), in which we observe the immaculate conception of Mary, a story that doesn’t sound bogus at all.

And since the 2nd. Article in the Argentine Constitution states that this is a Roman Catholic nation, every December
8th we get to enjoy a day off work and stay at home watching old episodes of Seinfeld on the Sony network while eating an entire pack of panchos.

Who ever said we need separation of church and state?

So from all of us here at the Argentina Independent (well, actually just me), we hope you spend a day of repentance and austerity, specially after partying like an animal last night until 6 in the morning at that new bar in Las Cañitas.

God bless!

**UPDATE**

I forgot to say that today is the day tradition dictates you must set up your Christmas tree in your living room. If you don’t, Baby Jesus will come into your home at night and kill you.

“No sign of the Grinch so far, people…” - A security guard stands next to the Christmas tree in the Alto Palermo shopping mall.

“Do you have these in real tin?” – A woman browses through a merchant’s stuff in San Telmo on Sunday afternoon.

See what I just did? I replaced the word “weekly” for “wiki-ly” because of the Wikileaks scandal. Ha! I know, I’m hilarious, right?

Right?

Anyway, we’re reaching the weekend again people! And what a week this has been, plagued with political scandals, diplomatic stand-offs and many other idiotic situations that have allowed the mainstream media to become an international affairs version of Perez Hilton‘s website. Sure, Wikileaks owner Julian Assange apparently had some honorable motive when he decided to make public thousands of classified US documents, but unless they provide incontrovertible evidence that George W. Bush knew Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction before the invasion, I really don’t care whether Barack Obama likes Angela Merkel’s fashion style or not.

Whatever. A lot happened last week and this is what you need to know:

"Look at me and my hair! We're happy!" - Wikileaks founder Julian Assange. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• One of the first classified US documents to be published by Wikileaks was sent by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to the American embassy in Buenos Aires, and pretty much asked whether President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was cuckoo or not. Not only that, Mrs. Clinton also wanted to know if her antidepressants were working.  Nothing new there, obviously. Everyone knows they are not.

• In another cable sent to the US, after meeting with City Mayor Mauricio Macri, ambassador Vilma Martinez described him as “a man with abrupt attitudes and a ‘manichean’ view of the world”. Again, nothing new there,  but surely the next Fourth of July celebrations in the embassy are going to be so awkward…

• This week, in Showmatch, our gay “South American Willy Wonka” Ricardo Fort once again made an embarrassment of himself.

• Mayor Macri’s controversial “Metropolitan Police,” who so far hasn’t really been involved in any controversy but is already being compared to this, started being deployed to six more neighborhoods in the city this week in order to enforce the law. Are you a minority or not from Aryan descent? Then according to the city government’s opposition, you should run.

• In yet another embarassing situation for Mayor Macri, employees of the world-renowned Teatro Colon decided to go on strike due to “poor labor conditions” and as a way of protest the theater’s philharmonic orchestra ended up playing on the street. I pity the fools who attended the gala wearing a tux. (Actually, I don’t.)

• Despite officially being on summer recess, President Fernández de Kirchner ordered all senators to go back to Congress and session for the next three weeks in order to formally finish this year’s congressional period. So to all of you senators who were hoping to spend Christmas in Punta del Este while I was rotting in some office, here’s what I have to say. Bastards.

• Last Wednesday, the city government launched the “Bicing” program, which looks to imitate other European and American nations by providing citizens with a free bicycle service to travel between the Universidad de Derecho and the Plaza de Mayo. The program was a success and by the end of the day all bycicles had been stolen.

• Ha! No, not really. But it could totally happen, right? I bet you bought that for a second.

• After being closed for a few weeks and causing air traffic chaos all over the city, the Aeroparque Metropolitan Airport was reopened a few days ago, boasting its new remodeled facilities. This means that now, instead of having to wait for five hours to board your delayed plane in Ezeiza, you’ll just have to wait for five hours to board your delayed plane in Aeroparque.

• Here we go again, everyone! The Argentine Congress remains bent on destroying society as we know it and after legalizing gay marriage they are now beginning discussions on the legalization of abortion. Abortion! How terrible! First it was the Divorce Law in the 80’s, then Gay Marriage and now this? What is the world coming to? Fortunately the Rapture is coming soon and we’ll be burning in hell for eternity before we know it. Until then (or until the Abortion Bill is passed) we’re going to be listening to people like this over and over again.

• Oh-oh! Evil company Rockhopper has apparently discovered more oil around the Malvinas Falklands Whatever-islands basin, which will certainly create new rifts between Argentine-British relations. Do not worry though! The UK has recently slashed its defense budget and Argentina pretty much has no army, so if it comes to war people will just be hitting each other with sticks in the head. Ah, humanity.

• For the first time in Argentine history, a transsexual was allowed to officially change his/her identity on his/her ID. Tania Luna, who looks totally hot, is now a happy woman. You go, dude/girl! And please ignore people saying this.

• The 20th. Ibero-American Summit is taking place in Mar del Plata this weekend. Many Latin American, Spanish and Portuguese leaders and officials are scheduled to meet and discuss the challenges that education will have to face in the region during the next ten years. Unfortunately, Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez and Spanish President José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero will be absent this year, which means no hijinks this time (I assume you all recall the classic moment provided by Spanish King Juan Carlos when he told Chávez to shut the fuck up on live television).

Good times.

Happy weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s black Friday everyone! Isn’t it great that once again we’ve made it another week without getting robbed/killed/scammed/bullied in this beautiful city that we call Buenos Aires? (Unless you have been, which I guess is not really that great.)

So pack up you poncho* and indulge in this Weekly News Roundup created especially for you, my loyal followers, who are just too lazy to read or see what the hell is going on in the world.

"These papers will be useful tonight when I'm sleeping on the park bench" (Photo/Wikipedia)

• Economy Minister Amado Boudou once again proved he is kind of a douche bag when, explaining that Argentina had not run to the International Monetary Fund for financial assistance but in order to create a task force to tackle inflation, he told the population not to worry since Argentina “had not dropped its pants” before the IMF. Ha! See what he did? A fuck joke. Always classy, this guy.

• Depressed about Sting not coming but excited about the Sampras – Agassi game next month in Buenos Aires? Yeah well, scrap that too, they’re not coming either.

• As part of her “Happy Christmas” (sounds horrible, doesn’t it?) government plan, President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner announced she would be giving pensioners a 500 pesos bonus this December so they can “buy stuff”. Of course with inflation these days they’ll end up using that money to pay for the massive amount of fireworks they’ll be buying for midnight on December 25^th, and the steep hospital bill resulting from getting both their hands burnt by them. Nice gesture though, Madame President!

• While making the announcement, the President began talking about buying new pacemakers, which clearly touched her since her husband died of a heart attack only a month ago. Me, following my “no attacks for as long as she cries” policy was getting ready for another disappointing week, when I suddenly witnessed her in her whole bitchy splendor again: one of her aides decided to provide her with a box of tissues and left it on her podium. Visibly annoyed, she grabbed the box and threw it away angrily. I’m guessing that means she’s back!
• Oh yeah, the aide has been killed.

• It may have seemed like a Hollywood film (not one with Denzel Washington in it but more like one of those with Steven Seagal in it), but it wasn’t. Apparently, those hardcore gangs of robbers are back, and this time they attacked an armored truck carrying over $19 million in a very skillful way while brandishing assault rifles and killing two policemen in the process. However, these idiots apparently forgot how to deal with the most important part of the plan, which was actually getting the money and realized there was no way for them to open the truck, so they left the area in a hurry. It was all caught on tape, of course.

• The showbiz world is divided nowadays, with half of it supporting the government and the other pretty much hating it. So this week, past-his-prime actor Federico Luppi dared to insult untouchable-living-mummy and TV host Mirtha Legrand, calling her “ignorant” due to her “right-wing” ideology. Mrs. Legrand, already a TV legend, was defended by many so they will keep being invited to her show. Still, Mr. Luppi isn’t that wrong I guess. After all, while discussing gay marriage, she asked a gay person this question. (Yeah, it’s in Spanish, don’t complain. I thought you came here to learn).

• Once again, the Lower House couldn’t come to an agreement on the 2011 budget bill, and bla bla bla, “fuck this”, “screw that” and many other insults later, the Congressional season was concluded for the year and now the president has no budget for next year. On the bright side, at least now she will know what it feels like to live trying to make ends meet.

• You know how you realize that clearly the American expat community is having an impact over Argentine society? By trying to buy a turkey in a supermarket in Buenos Aires and realizing that its price has doubled due to Thanksgiving celebrations. Long live cultural imperialism! (Kidding. I actually celebrated it).

• So you’re thinking of visiting Rio de Janeiro? Lovely! Maybe you’ll get to ride a tank before getting your brains blown out! I guess that video of the assault on the armored truck suddenly doesn’t look so bad now, does it?

• The Union of South American Nations (UNASUR) once again got together in order to discuss who is going to become the organization’s Secretary General now that former president Nestor Kirchner has passed away. The Summit, to which eight presidents attended, took place in Georgetown, Guyana, a country that, despite being located in South America, I’m pretty sure you thought it was in Africa.

Have a great weekend everyone!

* = Figuratively speaking of course. Please don’t you ever wear a poncho.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

Hello everyone!

Glad to see that most of you didn’t O.D. on the Creamfields floor last Saturday night! Man, this was an intense week .From slapping to children in wells, there’s one thing you must admit: Buenos Aires (and Argentina in general) never has a dull moment. So when you go back to your home country one day (or not) and your friends ask you what this country was all about, these are the things you need to know:

• 

  "Look at me, I'm carrying newspapers!" (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Super Saturday! That was intense, from Creamfields to the Nike 10K Marathon, the city was a complete mess last Saturday. Traffic was diverted everywhere, public transportation was extremely crowded and people actually stood in line to enter a museum (and that is the weirdest fact of the day!). By the way, the Jones Brothers also played at the River Plate Stadium, but I’m not commenting on that. All I will say is this. Will someone think of the children??

• Pow, right in the kisser! Well this is a week that is going to be remembered for years. Last Wednesday morning, not only the Lower House failed to gather quorum in order to debate next year’s budget bill (and effectively leaving the President without a budget for 2011), but a few hours later, amidst accusations of bribery and corruption between the Kirchnerites and the opposition, lawmaker Graciela Camaño slapped opponent Carlos Kunkel for being a smart mouth on live television. The slap was played all around the world, from New York to London, from New Delhi to Tokyo, elevating their celebrity status to stardom. Do I hear “Dancing with the Stars”?? (No.)

• The sporting event of the year, the Superclasico, took place this week! (Not that I care). River Plate ended up beating Boca Juniors after a 90 minute – agh, I hate football. Can we move on? If you’re interested, watch it here. Next!

• Peronist Sovereignty Day took place last Wednesday (not to be confused with the Peronist Loyalty Day, which is pretty much the same), and many demonstrations, ceremonies and events around the country took place. The day is used to commemorate the day Juan Peron returned to Argentina in 1972 after many years of exile, and to remember the day in which the Peronist movement was divided into two factions: left wing and “completely insane” wing.

• This week was the week in which I was going to start making jokes about President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner again, but then she broke while remembering her husband during a speech the other day, forcing me to reconsider. Well played, Madam President. Well played.

• The Argentine government apparently struck a deal with the Paris Club in order to pay back the nation’s defaulted debt after the 2001 crisis without the help of the IMF. I know, reading about the economy is a drag, but I’m contractually obligated to post a link to the article that explains the whole thing. This way at least you can pretend to read it. Oh, the article is here, by the way.

• A 3-year old girl fell down a 30 meters-deep well and authorities…- No, wait, this is more relevant: Argentina won 1-0 to Brazil! After an extremely boring 90 minute match last Wednesday, football star and probably Jesus incarnate Lionel Messi scored a goal that turned the game into Argentina’s advantage. Sure, the fact remains that Spain is still the world champion, but when it comes to football, Argentines love to envision the “what if’s?” those poor souls.

• Once the important stuff was out of the way and the game was over, everyone (including major news networks) remembered of a little girl that had fallen in the well a couple of hours earlier and the media provided concerned viewers with real life coverage of the rescue. To be honest with you though, it wasn’t as exciting as when the Chilean miners were rescued.

• Did you know that last week witnessed the beginning of the prestigious, world-renowned Mar del Plata Film Festival? Yeah, neither did the rest of the planet.

• To close today’s roundup, and since we’re talking about movies, I will delight you with the latest internet meme in Argentina:  the most craptastic trailer to a movie you’ve ever seen. And people keep wondering why Argentine films keep tanking at the box office? This is why. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “Un buen dia.”

Enjoy the Hot Fest this weekend everyone! And don’t forget Monday is a holiday! That means one more night of no-regrets drinking!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

A really old photo from a Superclasico, probably in the 70's. Check the guys' hairdos. Ha! (Photo/Wikipedia)

“What is the Superclásico?” you ask? Well if you do then it means that you are probably a football hater. Or a woman.

Because it turns out that today is the day that the country comes to a full stop (didn’t it come full stop last week for some other reason? Whatever.) due to the derby of all footballing derbies: the match between giant teams Boca Juniors and River Plate.

Tens of thousands of locals and expats alike have been flocking towards the River Plate stadium since early this morning, many in order to get some great seats, others hoping to buy a ticket from scalpers for more than a thousand dollars.

So if you consider yourself to be a respectable football fan, you must be there tonight. Or at least get together with your friends, grab some beer and chips and watch it on TV. The game starts at 7 pm but all networks will surely be covering the pregame after 5 pm.

If you don’t, then you’re just like me: a guy who understands nothing about football and tries to hide his ignorance under a thick veil of hatred and resentment.

So enjoy, and don’t forget to dodge the bullets!

Oh, didn’t I mention the random shootouts outside the stadium?

Yeah, well.

They happen.

Let the game begin!

(Click here for a non-resentful, serious Superclasico article and here to go to the River Plate site)

A photo of a rave (I couldn't find a licensed photo of the Creamfields festival...stupid internet) (Photo/Wikipedia)

Oh mi Dios! It’s the biggest night of the year!

The Night of the Museums? Creamfields? The Jonas Brothers? The 10K Nike Marathon? The National Derby?

Yes, all of that is happening today.

So for all of you saying that Buenos Aires is boring, think again.

Please read all the information & warnings about what is happening tonight. If you don’t, you may wake up naked in a ditch (not that it happened to me of course).

- Noche de los Museos (The Night of the Museums):

The only night of the year in which museums open for free from 8 pm to 3 am. Sure, people hate to learn, but they will attend anything with the word “free” on it, so if you’re planning on going to any of them get ready for some really long lines (seriously, you can forget about entering the MALBA tonight). Some buses will be offering free transportation around town, so you have no excuse.

If you’re interested in knowing what kind of show each museum is going to be putting up tonight, make sure you check it out on the official website.

- The Gran Premio Nacional (The Great National Derby):

Meh. Horse races are not my thing, but if you want information about today’s Derby in Palermo, make sure you check the official website.

- The Nike 10K Marathon:

Well, definitely too late to join now, but if you’re one of the 15,000 lucky runners who go to join, make sure you’re at Puerto Madero before 5:30 pm or you’re out. If you’re not in the race but you’re planning on visiting the area, I would strongly advise against it. Major roads and avenues are going to be closed.

You’ve been warned.

- Creamfields ’10:

Definitely the biggest electronic music party in the country. The place where pretty much every teenager, young adult and idiot goes to once a year to enjoy some amazing music and pay 50 pesos for a water bottle.

But no matter how far the festival’s location is (and trust me, it is far), it is a force to reckoned with and definitely worth the experience. True, many there seem to be unable to have fun without popping a pill, but usually everyone is so high on ecstasy that the only emotion you’ll run into is never-ending love. Or regret.

And if you’re still having second thoughts, check out this line-up:

David Guetta, Faithless, Fatboy Slim, Paul van Dyk, Carl Cox, Sasha, Richie Hawtin presents Plastikman Live, Steve Angello, Steve Lawler, Hernan Cattaneo, Dubifire, Calvin Harris dj set, Loco Dice, Marco Carola, Magda, Laidback Luke, Nick Warren, Mark Knight, Onur Ozer, Paul Kalkbrenner, Marc Houle, Cassy, Martin Garcia, Deep Mariano, Barem, Bad Boy Orange, Guti, Romina Cohn, Spitfire, Big Fabio, Facu Carri, Soundexile, Fabian Dellamonica and Guille Quero.

Convinced yet? Come on, just join the party. Find out about where to get tickets in the festival’s official website.

Jonas Brothers: Seriously? You really wanna go all the way to the River Plate Stadium to see those punks? Even after this video? (I should warn you not to click on that link, it may scar you for life).

And now a little piece of advice for those of you planning on “going out to dinner” tonight: forget about it. I’m pretty sure public transportation (taxis, buses, subways) and main avenues are going to be collapsed. So just skip the whole thing, accept that your life is boring and stay home. We, the ones who do have a life, will appreciate it.

Just go rent a movie, I hear some people are still doing that.

So now you know. No matter what you choose to do today, remember to learn a lot, drink/do drugs responsibly, sing like crazy or run like idiots.

Buenos Aires will be pleased.

Have fun!

Well, hello again!

Did you miss me last week? Of course you didn’t, you lying bastards.

Well, I don’t care. I’m back and fully recharged after some short vacations in the good ol’ US of A. And let me tell you, after wondering many times what on Earth could have possibly compelled many of you to leave the home of the free and the land of the brave, I have to say that after following closely the recent midterm elections, I think I understand now.

The Republicans? Seriously? Wow, and I though local voters were idiots.

Argentina doesn’t look so bad now, does it? So what if some local hospitals look like an abandoned crack house? Universal health care means that you don’t need to sell one of your kidneys to fix a broken leg. Tell that to Sarah Palin!

So I’m thankful for being back in Argentina, even though criticizing it is my favorite activity. And since we’re on the subject, here’s what you need to know about this beautiful, diverse, multicultural piece-of-crap country:

• 

  Ugh, it's this damn photo again (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Since we’re talking about (shitty) politics, what would you do if you were a somewhat unpopular Chief of Staff and needed to gain some support? Well, Aníbal Fernández did this. Watch and learn kids!

• The Argentine homosexual community is still reeling over the death of unemployed gay man Mich (yeah, just Mich. Like Cher), who became an icon of trash TV when ten years ago he claimed he had had sex with Ricky Martin. Despite venturing in music with his shameful “Baile de la Banana,“ society will always remember him for getting beat up by hot trannie mess Zulma Lobato last year. He will be missed.

• Argentine TV makes The Jersey Shore sound like Shakespeare.

• Former Argentine military officer and repugnant monster Emilio Massera, who was found to be largely responsible in many of the forced disappearances during the 70’s, has finally died. Everybody point and laugh!

• Hallelujah children! The Catholic Church is making a come back! And no, it’s not because they managed to kill Dan Brown. Apparently the centuries-old institution has finally found the way to attract parishioners: hot priests! In a small town in Santa Fe province, Father Sebastian has become the “it” boy among the young crowds who go to mass every Sunday morning to look at his Emo hairdo and baggy pants and pretend they are interested in religion. Wanna ruin his career fast? Ask him where he stands on gay marriage. No matter what he says, he’s fucked.

• After a 14-hour debate on the Lower House floor last Wednesday in which the kirchnerites expected to pass the 2011 budget bill, the session was abruptly interrupted at 5 am when several opposition lawmakers publicly denounced being “pressured” or “bribed” by the ruling party in order to get more votes. The session had to be postponed until next week and when the media confronted the alleged victims for information, their answer was that they had heard that “someone, somewhere, had offered something them via text message.”  Yes, that was an actual answer. They’re not even trying to lie anymore.

• Are you used to walking around a lot at night? How about being poor? Because it’s gonna have to be either one of those two if you intend to keep going out every night. City Hall just passed a bill in which “due to the rising criminal activities around the city” cab drivers will charge you a 2o percent more of the cab fare if you take it between 10 pm and 6 am. So there you have it: they complain that they are getting robbed, so the government solves their problem by letting them rob you. Ah, democracy.

• OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG STING IS GOING TO BE SINGING FOR FREE AT PLAZA DE MAYO ON DECEMBER 10TH.!!

• Economy Minister and gaffé-prone Amado Boudou once again fucked it up this week, when he said that inflation was “only affecting the upper-middle class.” Many kirchnerite officials, including the Chief of Staff, came out to repudiate his statements, saying that it was also the lower classes who were being affected by it. Geez, and this guy is an Economy Minister? I’m guessing everyone should have expected this after he attached this photo to his résumé.

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner arrived in Seoul, South Korea, for the yearly G20 Summit and urged world leaders to avoid a “war of currencies.” She’s still in mourning, so no jokes (for now).

• Yeah, so… uhm… Sting wanted 1.5 million dollars to play for free at Plaza de Mayo so the government just said no.  Sorry mom! Don’t worry though, he will be replaced by quintessential-early-90′s entertainer Ignacio Copani.

• Speaking of singers, controversy arose once again after the “trapitos” (guys who in a mob-like manner offer to “look after your car” while it’s parked for a hefty sum of money. If you refuse to pay, it may get scratched) showed up around the River Plate Stadium for the Paul McCartney concert and decided to charge 150 pesos per car. So, you can add that to the 6,500 pesos you paid for a VIP ticket, loser! I’m watching it on TV for free tonight! Everybody point and laugh again!

HA-HA!

Happy weekend everyone!

Dear readers:

RIP Nestor Kirchner (Photo/Wikipedia)

In light of the recent death of former President Nestor Kirchner and the following three days of mourning decreed by the government, we believe that even though laughter is indeed the best medicine, sometimes it is better to show respect for the pain of others and take some time to reflect.

The Weekly News Roundup will return next week, when the country is back on its feet.

Thank you for your understanding.

And if you don’t understand, go fuck yourself.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono