Archive | Thoughts of a Foreigner

Thoughts of a Foreigner

Adrian was born in Palma de Mallorca, Spain, and he hasn't been able to stay put ever since. Admittedly a pop culture lover, he has been moving back and forth between the United States, England and Argentina while writing chronicles of his many adventures, mostly a result of his so-called 'Indiana Jones complex'.

Besides being a contributor for the Argentina Independent, he also writes about local politics at the Buenos Aires Herald.

Ice, Ice baby!

Dear expat: Have I got the perfect place for you!

No, it’s not a milonga or a parrilla. It’s not even an Argentine thing! My friends, I give you … the My Way ice skating rink!

Ice skates (duh!) (Photo/Wikipedia)

“Ice skating rink in Buenos Aires?” you say. Well, first of all, I don’t like your attitude, and second of all, yes!  There is one!  And visiting it is a hell of an experience.

Sure, ice skating used to be fashionable back when Marty Mc Fly was making his first time travel and Molly Ringwald was still wearing leg warmers in some cheesy John Hughes movie, but the truth is that there’s this sort of nostalgic, decadent appeal about this place that no one, no Argentine nor expat, should miss.

Maybe it’s the colorful chairs, the empty tables, the basic, greasy menu or the old color TV’s that make you wanna break into dancing and go to Pumper Nic for some burgers afterwards.

Granted, the rink is kinda run down so you may break a bone or two (kidding!) but if you are hoping to spend some bizarre night with your friends, featuring an eclectic soundtrack that includes Lady Gaga and Phil Collins, then this dismal-looking place is where you want to go.

So pack your leg warmers and your walkman because it’s time to dance like in the 80′s, Argentina style!

My Way – Ice Skating Rink

Av. Cabildo 20 (Belgrano)

$30 pesos an hour / $35 pesos unlimited

http://www.pistamyway.com.ar/ (don’t be fooled by their retouched photos, the place Is quite depressing).

PS: Oh! And in case you’re one of those cynics rolling their eyes thinking “oh, another plug for a sponsor,” you’re wrong, they’re not giving me any money (quite frankly, I don’t even know how they are staying in business).  Ciao!

Posted in Thoughts of a Foreigner2 Comments

Weekly News Roundup, Sep. 10th

Ok, I’ll admit it. This was a slow news week, so I’ve had to really dig around to find some interesting material. Whatever, it’s not like you’re paying me for this, so what the hell am I apologizing for? So no matter whether you’re pretending to be Jewish to take a few days off from the office with the “it’s New Year’s!” excuse or not, just read the Goddamn thing and learn that this is what you need to know:

(Photo/Wikipedia)

  • The first baby legally registered as the child of a lesbian couple was born yesterday. You hear that popping sound? Yeah, that’s the head of this guy exploding.
  • Success! Finally the government agreed to vote in favor of the anti-holdup bill in an effort to stop muggers from stalking and robbing people who leave their banks after making large cash withdrawals. Sure, this means that robbers will be breaking into our homes now but hey, banks are safe.
  • The schools takeover across the city continues, with thousands of spoiled brats/students holding signs that read that they are “fighting for a better educashun.” Yeah, no kidding.
  • The friendly football game between Argentina and Spain left us  Spaniards feeling ashamed after a 4-1 defeat, although not as much as Diego Armando Maradona, who has been effectively proven to be the most horrible football coach in the history of the universe. Ha-ha! Loser.
  • Argentina lost against Lithuania (I know! I thought it was a fantasy name too!) in the Basketball World Championship taking place in Turkey. Whatever, 4-1 against Spain, that’s all people care about.
  • Scandal! Turismo carretera driver and soon-to-be-unemployed Marcos di Palma and his friend, Showmatch star and possibly village idiot Matias Alé, were driving like 150 km over the speed limit down the Panamerican highway “as a joke”.  Ha! So funny, these guys. Anyway, to make it even funnier, Alé decided to take a photo of the speedometer and post it on his Twitter account. Well now Di Palma has been sued by the government for reckless endangerment and he has to pay a fine of $5,000 pesos. Now THAT is funny.
  • Argentina beat Germany in the Women’s Hockey World Cup taking place in Rosario and have incredibly made it to the finals, in which they they will be facing Holland for the grand prize.  Whatever, 4-1 against Spain, that’s all people care about.
  • Hurray!!! After centuries of oppression and discrimination, the Argentine domain of You Tube (www.youtube.com.ar) has finally arrived! “So what’s the difference?” you say? Yeah, none.
  • A few weeks ago you all laughed at me when I said that buses were out to get humans. However, with 5 people dead after being run over by mass transportation vehicles, guess who’s laughing now?  I’m telling you, Skynet is coming. Play dead.
  • And finally, there was this horrific accident in a Palermo nightclub last night, so I fear it may be too soon to write some jokes about that. But wait, come back next week and I’m sure I’ll have a couple!

Happy (rainy) weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

Posted in Thoughts of a Foreigner1 Comment

Weekly News Roundup, Sept. 3rd.

TGIF everyone! Although if this weather doesn’t change I’m totally staying home tonight. Anyway, in case you’re wondering what happened in the outside world while you were hiding in your basement waiting for the Santa Rosa storm to hit, then let me tell you, this is what you need to know:

(Photo/Wikipedia)

  • On Tuesday morning, the BA Traffic Police launched a city wide operation to apply fines to all drivers running a red light. By Tuesday evening, the entire city population had been fined. Yes, even babies.
  • The Tango World Championship came to an end with the whole world watching, except for Argentina. Sorry, if there’s no Maradona, no football and no vuvuzelas, then no one cares.
  • In what is probably the coolest story of the week, it turns out there was a serial killer on the loose in the Flores neighborhood and the police finally caught up with him.  The guy, who went by the nickname “Marcelito,” had apparently made a promise to San La Muerte, the patron saint of the dead, and vowed to kill a random person every week in exchange of money and drugs. Authorities believe he might be responsible for eight murders in the area. Scary, I know, but in my opinion this story would be a lot scarier if this San La Muerte guy didn’t look like a Mexican wrestler.
  • The mostly-feared Santa Rosa storm finally hit the region and absolutely nothing happened.
  • This week we celebrated that no major crime was committed in Palermo, and laughed at the fact the criminals seem to have moved to San Telmo. So take that, you silly Santelmians! (Santelminos? Santelmers? Whatever, it’s your problem now).
  • On Thursday Buenos Aires was the quintessential nightmare: no subways, rain and floods everywhere and those annoying student demonstrations on the street.  It took me two hours to get from Puerto Madero to Palermo! Can you believe it? This is ridiculous; I’m totally sending a complaint letter to the City Government. I know, this isn’t really news but I needed to rant.
  • Due to political partisanship in Congress, the Lower House failed to debate the anti-holdup bill that’s looking to eradicate the recent rise of insecurity cases. No, that’s ok you guys. People may be dropping like flies but we can wait until you figure out whether you like each other’s ties or not.  I mean, it’s only our lives, right?
  • Dangerously insane human being and eventual rock singer Pity Alvarez has finally been arrested on charges of trying to shoot his manager. Oh well, at least he got his Government-sponsored mural (no joke) which I’m sure is going to inspire millions of children.
  • Seriously, I don’t care about any sports involving a ball, so stop asking about the Women’s Hockey World Cup taking place in Rosario. Besides, we all know all we care about is this.
  • And last but not least: President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner has finally joined the Twitter world! Which means she (or probably her ghost writer) will be available to address all of our concerns and more! Her username is @CFKArgentina, so make sure you follow her if you want to know where she got her purse.

Happy weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com

Posted in Thoughts of a Foreigner1 Comment

The Santa Rosa storm: That’s it?

You can all leave your basements guys! The Santa Rosa storm was a total dud.

Ok, so if you’re an expat and you recently moved to Buenos Aires, chances are you had already been warned about the Santa Rosa storm by now. Maybe you ran into an ominous old gypsy who warned you about it while browsing for crap in San Telmo, or you heard it on the news. Whatever.

The thing is that on every August 31st., Argentines start looking up to the sky in fear, aware that all hell can break loose any second, without warning. Old ladies gather in a street corner to whisper that a storm is coming, like right out of some bad John Carpenter movie.

The Santa Rosa storm (Perception) (Photo/Wikipedia)

So it’s no wonder by the evening of August 31st, all expats went back to their homes, boarded doors and windows and hid under the bed with a rosary in their hands, praying that the storm spares their cute little Palermo Hollywood apartments.

However, the storm proved to be nothing but a mild spring storm, leaving many scratching their heads, wondering what the hell just happened.

And you wanna know what happened? Nothing, like every year.

The Santa Rosa storm is a myth, originated in Peru after a huge storm hit some Dutch pirate ships that were trying to ransack the city of Lima. Some very smart chick named Rosa who clearly was really good at marketing herself decided that the storm had come because she had asked God for it. Apparently people were really gullible back then, because they immediately made her a saint.

Santa Rosa storm (Reality) (Photo/Wikipedia)

Whatever, long story short, in the last 140 years, the storm has hit the country only 16 times. So the alleged accuracy on August the 31st is nothing but a made up myth concocted by a society that’s clearly prone to hyperbole.

So now you that you know, you can go celebrate that you spent 2000 pesos on canned food and wooden boards.

Heh!

Posted in Thoughts of a Foreigner4 Comments

Weekly News Roundup, Aug. 27th

It’s Friday again! And I’m sure you were too lazy to pick up a paper and find out what went on in this amazing country we call Argentina. Well, fear no more, because here’s an account of everything that transpired during the week, so you can pretend you know what you’re talking about while chatting to your parents via Skype:
  • So it turns out the thirty three miners trapped half a mile below the ground in Chile are alive. However, it’s going to take Search & Rescue close to four months to get them out of there. Fortunately the Chilean government has already sent some cameras below, so get ready for the most bizarre version of Big Brother EVER. (Oh, and some big names in Hollywood are already thinking of making a movie, and I bet it’s gonna have some cheesy name like “A spark in the dark” or “Find the crack,” or some other idiotic title like that. Oh!  And I hope they don’t pick M. Night Shyamalan to direct. He sucks. Anyway, back to the news…).
  • Over 200 tattooed head-bangers were actually hired (HIRED!) by the City Government to jump like idiots in the River Plate Stadium for an entire morning in order to “measure the effect their movement had on nearby structures” and therefore infer whether the tremors created during rock recitals in the arena endanger nearby buildings or not. Sure, such recitals gather more than 50,000 people, but I’m sure the effect of 200 rockers is pretty much the same, right? Right?
  • City Mayor Mauricio Macri testified before Legislature due to accusations of him leading an illegal intelligence agency. Which is kind of weird, because if you ask me, talking about Macri’s intelligence is somewhat of an oxymoron.
  • OMG YOU GUYS!!!! Kristen Stewart (who you should TOTALLY know who it is) is shooting a movie in Bariloche!! Although unfortunately she’s not doing anything Twilight related. Nah, she’s doing a movie based on some other non-Twilight book which I’m sure nobody cares about. It’s called “On the Road” and it’s based on a novel by some Kerouac dude no one’s ever heard of. Whatever, it’s still Kiki! Yay, vampires! Team Jacob!
  • Now that even Labour Minister Carlos Tomada’s home in Palermo has been burglarized, I think it’s a safe bet to say that the area’s real estate business ranks below Mogadishu’s.
  • Some Argentine girl in Mexico tried to murder a very popular soap opera actress by secretly feeding her and her family small dosages of some weird poison. She was caught, obviously. I mean, poisoning? Come on! It’s Mexico, for God’s sake. Ever heard of “beheading”?
  • President Cristina Kirchner launched a full-on war against media behemoths Clarin and La Nacion, accusing them of being involved in crimes against humanity. She even gave a press conference and everything! This has caused many around the world to voice their concerns, wondering whether Argentina might be turning into another Venezuela, to which I say: President Kirchner is still a lot hotter than Hugo Chávez, so, uhm, no.
  • I’m sure you probably hoped for some news regarding the Argentine team in the Basketball World Championship taking place in Turkey. But yeah, I’m not into sports. Sorry.

Happy weekend everyone!

Posted in Thoughts of a Foreigner2 Comments

Weekly News Roundup, Aug. 20th

As the weekend arrives, this is what you need to know so you can pretend you read the papers while hitting on that hot girl/guy you just met in some cool San Telmo party.

  • Even though we always knew machines would rise against us humans, we never thought it was going to be buses declaring open season on pedestrians in Buenos Aires.
  • Due to an ongoing crime wave, Baghdad is now officially safer than Palermo.
  • The opposition gave preliminary approval to a pension reform bill that according to the government will pretty much turn out to be a financial Armageddon, meaning that the pretty little house you just bought in the Soho will be worth a quarter of its value in a few months.
  • The widely advertised “cacerolazo against insecurity” supposed to take place yesterday never happened because people were too busy yelling at politicians on TV for being stripped away of their access to Twitter.

Happy weekend everyone!

Posted in Thoughts of a Foreigner2 Comments

Everybody join the cacerolazo tonight!

So, if you’ve been in Buenos Aires for the past few weeks, you may have noticed that the city and Greater Buenos Aires areas have been hit hard by an unstoppable crime wave.

Even Palermo, once considered a stronghold against robbers, has seen a couple of hostage situations and violent robberies last week that remind us of the far west.

Well, people are pissed.

Therefore, if you’re a foreigner who has just arrived in Argentina, you’re in luck, because you’re about to witness a social phenomenon that

A cacerolazo in downtown Buenos Aires (Photo/loco085 via Flickr)

happens once in a blue moon: the good old cacerolazo.

What could somehow be defined as the Argentine version of an intifada, the cacerolazo was born in 2001 right before the financial crisis hit. The De la Rua administration had taken some extremely unpopular measures to avoid the country from defaulting, the last of these being a restriction on the amount of money you could withdraw from banks (no more than $1000 pesos a week).

The population decided this was as far as they were willing to go, and one night, spontaneously, millions of people throughout the country took to the streets and balconies and started banging their pans and pots as a sign of protest.

The movement was so massive that it caught the attention of the media around the world and it was even repeated in several other countries whenever they were not happy with their government.

Even since 2001, the population has only repeated the cacerolazos a couple of times, whenever there is an extreme discontent with the government.

Tonight, apparently, is going to be one of those times.

So grab your pot (your cooking pot, that is) and your frying pans and get ready to make some noise!

Argentines have had it with insecurity and once again they are ready to go out with a bang.

The cacerolazo against insecurity begins tonight around 7:30 PM.

Have your camera ready!

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Dissecting Argentine Television, Part II: Rise of the mediaticos

Factor 2:  Rise of the mediaticos (or “media-friendly people”)

Some years before the decline of Videomatch, after the 2001 crisis, Argentina saw a surge of trashy television.

Current Argentine TV (Photo/Kevin Steele via Flickr)

Despite the previous existence of several talk shows that liked to focus on gossip and other useless crap, Argentine TV had usually adopted an infotainment format that featured special guests who discussed current events and talked about their lives. No harm there.

At the same time, reality shows had also landed on Argentine TV, with the first season of Big Brother, which, as well as in the rest of the world, had become an instant hit. With it came many others, and every time they ended, their casts would migrate to gossip shows, hoping to satiate their newly found addiction to fame.

But starting in 2002, fresh from the economic debacle and political unrest, came a new wave of shows which decidedly focused too much on gossip and scandals. The 1 peso – 1 dollar exchange rate was gone, and with it, the power to afford expensive productions and shows.

Soon, daytime television would become flooded with shows whose over-the-top dynamic would put US talk show host Jerry Springer to shame.

Jerry Springer (well, actually wax figure) (Photo/cliff1066 via flickr)

Shows like Zap TV (click to watch), with its fistfights, fainting-prone cast and midget wrestling, or Intrusos en el espectaculo (click to watch), which could easily be labeled as TMZ’s predecessor for its rather questionable ways of invading the private life of celebrities in order to get a story, were must-see television.

And along with them, came a new breed of TV characters: the mediaticos.

The self-titled mediaticos (loosely translated as “media-friendly people”) were fame whores who were somehow related to show business and had decided to overexpose their private lives on television hoping that this would dramatically increase their celebrity status. Of course, everything comes with a price, and despite them becoming instant TV sensations, they also became the laughing stock of society.

As audiences found it impossible to take them seriously, families gathered around the small screen to laugh at their ridiculous fights, nervous breakdowns and confessions. Names like Guido Suller, Jacobo Winograd, Mitch and Marcelo Polino were everywhere to be heard, as their stories became more and more ridiculous. (Click on the names for a short sample of what they were).

Not your typical legitimate theater (Photo/everdaniel via flickr)

Soon there was a whole industry around them. Tacky, burlesque shows on Corrientes Av. were sold out, semi-porn magazines would show them naked on their covers and people would ask them for autographs on the streets.

The mediaticos, people who were literally famous for being famous and whose artistic value was measured by their potential to create a scandal, were here to stay.

Here are some early 00’s scandal shows that will take years before to be forgotten:

MuchMusic – “Cupido”

America TV – “Va X vos”

America TV – “Entre Moria y vos”

Azul TV – “Zap TV”

America TV – “Intrusos”

America TV – “La Corte”

Canal 9 – “Hablemos Claro” (This is actually in the 90’s, but the host trips and falls so whatever, it’s funny).

But by 2006, as Argentina’s economy recovered, suddenly all these kitsch characters seemed headed to oblivion. Even though gossip shows had become a classic of daytime television, audiences seemed to be falling out of love with them.

Dancing with the Stars (Photo/Sheree K via flickr)

However, an unexpected turn of events would bring Tinelli back into the spotlight and would turn him into Argentine television’s leading man: the airing of the local version of “Dancing with the Stars”, or, as it’s known in Spanish, “Bailando por un sueño.”

Check back next week for the third and final chapter of this story, in which I explain the Tinelli-centric model and the philosophy of the “anything goes.”

(Yeah, I know you don’t like reading, but come on! This is light reading. I mean it’s not like you’re reading Kafka or anything, right?).

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Dissecting Argentine Television, Part I: Marcelo Tinelli and The Curse of Videomatch

Have you turned on the TV lately?  Have you, by any chance, tried to watch something on any of the big Argentine networks only to find out that they all talk about one little thing? Have you been horrified by the ever-present deformed face of some dude who goes by the name Ricardo Fort?

Ricardo Fort (Photo/arugatse via Flickr)

If so, join millions of people who, like you, scratch their heads in disbelief as most of those shows – no matter what network – function as satellite programs of what has now become a Showmatch-centric dynamic.

As dramas and comedies struggle to find a time slot –any time slot – on television, gossip shows have never been more successful. No matter what time, they’re always on. And they always feature people who are talking about the fight du jour in Showmatch while wearing bizarre costumes and suffering from delusions of grandeur.

If by now you’re confused, don’t worry. Everyone is.

The truth is this little show called Showmatch and its main feature, Bailando por un sueño, have become the only thing to talk about in television due to their ridiculous, never-ending (staged?) fights and naked chicks.  Lots of naked chicks.

Originally a show which in theory dealt with an amateur dancer performing with a celebrity while chasing a noble cause, Showmatch mutated into a variety hour in which its main attraction is not the dancing, it’s the fighting.

And so, the endless parade of pseudo-celebrities invades Argentine television and leaves no room for anything else while engaging in a hypnotic, alluring drama that, like it nor not, has become must-see TV in most Argentine households.

However, this phenomenon began not too long ago, as two very powerful cultural currents merged. The symbiosis of these two factors spawned Showmatch, whose existence is rooted in several changes that rocked the very foundation of Argentine society.

To understand the Argentine TV’s present, first you must understand its past. And this is what I will briefly try to do.

Factor One: Marcelo Tinelli and Videomatch

Host Marcelo Tinelli (Photo/Wikipedia)

The year was 1990 and Argentina was still recovering from a brutal dictatorship that had ended seven years before, and had taken the life of thousands of people. After so many years of censure, Argentine television was flourishing with transgressor TV shows in which sexual innuendos and showing half a boob would make the audience giggle in complicity with their hosts. Crossing the line was fun!

Amidst this new wave of progressive television came a small TV show, called “Videomatch,” which went on the air Mondays to Fridays after midnight and would focus on sports. The show’s host, a little-known sports journalist named Marcelo Tinelli would come out every night along with a team of other journalists and entertainers to offer viewers their takes on football, tennis and other popular practices.

The show was so dull that their ratings went little over zero (here’s a short sample if you want to watch). Videomatch was a complete failure. So, as a desperate measure before they were shut down, they decided to start broadcasting something that would hopefully help them obtain a larger viewership: bloopers. I know! Genius, right? The show was an instant hit, and as ratings rose and people –especially teenagers and young adults – became their prime audience, they decided to bring in other actors who would do comedic sketches and hidden cameras, something that in 1990, by Argentine standards, had never been seen before.

As time went by, the show moved to prime time and became must-see TV, with the media praising Tinelli’s midas touch and genius vision. By 1996, the prolific host and producer had become the new media mogul everyone looked up to. His non-stiff, in-your-face attitude, depicting a stereotype of the common Argentine man, a swearing, ill-mannered, loud-talker, misogynistic guy, caused millions of male viewers to see themselves reflected on the TV screen. His show was now an important part of Argentine culture and was the subject of water cooler talk at work. Of course, dislike towards him was directly proportional to how much people loved him. His detractors accused him of creating trash television and being a bad example to children, but he didn’t really care much. Some of the show’s original characters, like Paraguayan Riquelme, socialite-wannabe Figuretti or village idiot Bobby Goma would be branded into Argentine pop culture forever.

With a 1 peso – 1 dollar exchange rate, and Argentina entering the first world country club with Menem’s neoliberal policies (or so they said), Tinelli was visited regularly by international figures like actors, singers and even presidents.

Everyone wanted to be a part of Videomatch and no one wanted to miss it.

But, alas, then came 2001, which brought with it a disastrous economic meltdown. The country plummeted in a downward spiral of uncertainty and disillusion. The golden age of the 90’s was certainly gone, and the Argentine people’s collective humor took a radical change.  Suddenly hidden cameras, bloopers and silly sketches were not doing it anymore. For a couple of years, Videomatch held on but eventually it fell into oblivion: by 2004, despite respectable ratings, it moved from Telefe to Canal 9 and become just one more of those TV shows that you know are still on, but you’re not watching anymore.

Check back tomorrow for the Second part dissecting on the other factor that helped shape the present of Argentine TV: Gossip shows.

Posted in Thoughts of a Foreigner0 Comments

Buenos Aires Survival Guide Rule #318

BASG Rule #318: Never ever EVER try to pay for something you just bought in a Kiosko with a 100 pesos bill unless you wanna be murdered by the kioskero in the most gruesome way.

Ok, so he’s not gonna murder you, but he’s gonna scoff at you, roll his eyes and tell you “are you kidding me?”

And that IS going to happen.

Posted in Thoughts of a Foreigner3 Comments

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