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End of Times News Roundup, December 21st

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It’s Friday again!

And we’ve had a crazy week, what with all- ah, fuck it.

Seriously, what’s the point? The world is ending today, according to the Mayans*, so let’s just all crawl under a desk, cry and read the Weekly News Roundup before dying a horrible, horrible death.

I would say: “Go like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook“, but since this is probably the last column EVER, don’t.

This is what you don’t really need to know because there’s just no point, but I’m telling you anyway because the world may be ending but I still put a lot of work hours into it:

  • This is an Aztec calendar. It's not a fucking Mayan calendar, so stop posting it on Facebook. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    It may be December 21st, 2012, but it sure feels like December 21st, 2001. Back when you were still in kindergarten and Palermo Hollywood was just known as Palermo, Argentina was going through a tough time. There was widespread looting, violent protests and cacerolazos all over the country, as the population was facing the worst economic crisis in its history. So yesterday, on the 11th anniversary of the protests that left more than 30 people dead (and considering the end is nigh), many thought that it would be interesting to honor those who perished by looting supermarkets all over the country. The first looting activities began in Bariloche, because, what’s more terrifying than a touristy, peaceful mountain town. In there, hungry citizens bravely broke into the belly of the capitalism beast and with the strength of their spirits managed to steal a bunch of flat screen TV’s that they would use to feed their children. Somehow.

  • In order to sever the head of this new trend before it spread to neighboring nations (and despite the fact that the end is nigh), Cabinet Chief Juan Manuel Abal Medina announced the deployment of 400 Border Patrol officials, in order to help the Bariloche police which had been clearly overrun by the murderous, blood-thirsty looters. Of course, it could also be the fact that the police was trying to apply the Bart Simpson strategy to stop the looting and use slingshots (not a joke), but no, let’s just pretend that they were facing a gang of ninja looters and were overrun by them.
  • Since the slingshots (seriously) failed to contain this growing, dangerous modus operandi, the looting began to spread, causing two deaths and became living proof that the end is nigh. Soon reports of people attacking supermarkets were being registered all over the country. And I mean, obviously! If no police force managed to control the looting that took place in front of the Obelisco last week, what makes you think they’ll be able to control it in some God-forsaken town?
  • Oh, that’s right. Slingshots.
  • As I mentioned previously, yesterday was a chaotic day in the city as close to 100 trillion people were protesting the anniversary of the 2001 events (by the way, who the fuck protests an anniversary? “It’s December 20th today?! Oh, hell no! Time to burn down shit.)  So yeah, traffic was chaos and people were obviously burning down shit, but I feel like our little society is maturing. I mean, last year this was going on at the Plaza de Mayo so try looking at me in the eye and tell me we’re not making progress.
  • Since the end is nigh and England is feeling feisty, it decided to go out with a bang and entice Argentina into a full scale war. Because who cares, right? You see, her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II (locally known as the “old pirate” but don’t worry, it’s just a term of endearment) attended a cabinet meeting the other day, and the bootlickers at the Foreign Office declared that a tract of frozen land about twice the size of the UK in Antarctica was to be named after her as Queen Elizabeth Land. Awww! So far so good, right? WRONG. Because that tract of frozen land happens to allegedly belong to…you guessed it, Argentina! So remember: if the world doesn’t end tonight, we’re going to war with the UK on Saturday. Merry Christmas.
  • Moving on to another international conflict now: success! After two months of unfair imprisonment in a watery cell, our beloved Frigate Libertad was released from the evil, greedy clutches of the Ghanaian government by the International Tribunal for the Law of the Sea and is now en route to Mar del Plata, Argentina, where it will graciously dock on January 9 so thousands of tourists can proudly salute it and hundreds of street vendors can cash in on those cheap feelings of patriotism and sell all sorts of cheesy-looking souvenirs featuring the Argentine flag and anything with the face of Diego Maradona on it.
  • And the best part of all this fiasco? This. Karma’s a bitch, bitch.
  • At long, last! After an entire year of comings and goings, the National Government and the City Government came to an agreement on the transfer of the Subway system, which means our beloved Subte would have been up and running by January 1st  if it weren’t for the fact that the end is nigh and we’re all going to die today.
  • Also in case you didn’t know, the Government announced that starting

    In Buenos Aires, when we celebrate an anniversary, we celebrate it in style. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    today the $1,10 bus ticket would go to $1,50 and the train ticket would go from $0,70 to $1. And those are just SUBE card prices. If you don’t have it, you pay double. The good news is A) You will soon be shipped to fight the Brits in Antarctica, so who cares, and B) The end is nigh.

  • Also, this happened. And surprisingly, it wasn’t in Salta but in Santa Cruz, a province that shall henceforth be referred to as “the Salta of Patagonia.” Oh, and fortunately a judge stopped the marriage for now so don’t panic. God (and the Mayans) know after today there will not be any wedding. Mwahaha.
  • Ever heard of the Uritorco Hill in Cordoba? It’s located right next to this town called Capilla del Monte, a paranormal epicenter and magical fairy land where pixies and werewolves and aliens all allegedly cohabit together. It’s like that town from True Blood except people are not having sex 24/7. So since this mythical land is considered to be some sort of portal to  the ether, or netherworld or whatever it is we’re supposed to enter today since the end is nigh, a bunch of alienated sociopaths decided it would be a good idea to commit mass suicide in it. So the mountain had to be closed to the public, which means they will have to spend the end of the world like the rest of us mortals, watching reruns of Dancing With The Stars.
  • And finally: as if the Middle East didn’t have enough in its plate already, here comes the best piece of football-related news since I heard Diego Maradona was being fired from coaching the Al Wasl: it seems that Diego Maradona is now being considered as a possible coach for Iraq. That’s right, Iraq! This is gonna be hilarious! So as the former king of the world keeps shrinking in relevance (and in case the end is not nigh), let’s wait one more year until he’s offered to coach the North Koreans, which is the best football team in the world (according to the North Koreans). In the meantime, don’t leave the Green Zone, Diego!

Have a great apocalypse, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

*The Mayans never said it was the end of the world. It’s just the end of their calendar. In fact, it’s like saying that the world is ending because it’s December 31st. But whatever, I’m gonna capitalize on that shit like there’s no tomorrow (pun intended).

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- who has written 6811 posts on The Argentina Independent.


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One Response to “End of Times News Roundup, December 21st”

  1. sol says:

    Hahaahah!! It’s funny to see your country through a first world citizen’s eyes!! What a bizarre little part of the world this is!!
    I don’t know what I laugh about, though, everything you say is seriously disturbing… Oh yeah, who cares if things are shitty. The end is nigh…
    Hey, I’m no journalist, but congratulations on your piece. For what it’s worth, I found it brilliant!
    Looking forward to reading you next week (hopefully, on a less embarrassing note)
    Cheers and merry Christmas!
    Sol

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