Put on your Sunday clothes, kids (even though it’s Friday again)!
Because as of today, we may be welcoming several members of the US Embassy staff who promised they would check out this column out of curiosity, which of course does not put me under an incredible amount of pressure at all.
Also, they may have totally forgotten about it, so I guess we’ll never know.
Well, whatever the case may be, please remember that everything I say here is meant to be funny first and informative second. Oh, and also incredibly offensive. So please don’t have me shipped to Guantanamo, it’s all in good spirit!
Here’s what you need to know:
Well, they finally happened. The presidential primary elections took place last week, and the result was mind blowing. I mean, first of all let me say that these were some atypical primaries, since each party presented only one candidate. This meant no one was running against anyone, a situation that turned this whole clusterfuck into one big unofficial poll to see how many people would vote for each candidate. The result was a jaw-dropping 50.06% support for the Fernández de Kirchner administration, a historic level since the return of democracy. The opposition, which clearly sucks, is now running scared since no miracle is going to help them change that result. Which means that the President has pretty much been reelected, even though she hasn’t really been reelected. Get it? I know, democracy is a complex thing.
- Speaking of miracle, remember when I told you last week about the Twitter campaign “#unmilagroparaaltamira”? Well, it happened! He got the necessary votes in order to run for president in October! Now let’s all crush him to death and humiliate him by not voting for him in two months.
- Fernández de Kirchner’s resounding victory, of course, prompted current Economy Minister and future Vice-President Amado Boudou (seen here looking vice-presidential and here looking like a douchebag) to celebrate the way he always does: by forgetting he’s almost 50 years old and jumping on top of a lot of young people who will carry him around. And the fact that I hate this guy has nothing to do with the fact that his girlfriend is super hot.
- For some mysterious motive that we may never come to fully understand, when everyone at the Fernández de Kirchner campaign headquarters heard that exit polls around 7 pm were predicting a landslide victory by the President, the Kennedy Choir, who was present there for some reason, decided to gift the crowd with their own version of Mary Poppins’ Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. It was a terrifying, off-key experience that probably branded several of those kids for life, and we should never mention it again. Ever.
- A long, long time ago, back when Argentina was still a country the first world didn’t give a shit about (the 90′s) there was a president here called Carlos Menem who many believe is in large part responsible for the 2001 economic debacle. Once he left office, he became a senator and people know he’s still out there somewhere, but no one really cares about him anymore. His name, however, has become synonym with bad luck, so whenever you name him or hear someone call his name you have you touch one of your testicles (if you’re a man) or one of your boobs (if you’re a woman or just a fat guy with boobs) in order to “break the curse.” So the media was having a blast this week after this photo, in which Menem is seen greeting the authorities at a polling station, and the man’s reaction is to “break the curse.” Haha! Old people are fun.
- President Fernandez de Kirchner welcomed Colombian president Juan Manuel Santos this week in his first official visit since he took office. Of course, all you care about Colombia is getting drunk on the beach and avoid getting kidnapped by the FARC. Things like the new bilateral agreements signed by both presidents in order to increase farming, trade and science developments… That… that you can live without.
- Just so you know, Mayor Macri has announced that he’s planning on raising taxes next year, and Domestic Trade Secretary Guillermo Moreno has cleared the meat and poultry industries to raise prices as well. Remember that time you were so desperate because you couldn’t get a work permit here that you began considering prostitution? Well, now would be a good time to start reconsidering.
- Haha. Aren’t you hating that it’s all politics so far? By now I’m usually talking about some new embarrassing video on the local version of Dancing with the Stars. Oh well. It’s been an election week, deal with it.
- Which reminds me: this week on Dancing with the Stars (heh!), the population was horrified by the lewd, disgusting and distasteful pole-dancing choreography performed by Mónica Farro, which many considered to be borderline porn. TV’s were turned off around the country as a sign of protest that night, and hours later, after everyone went to bed, millions of hormonal teenagers and unhappy, middle-aged men turned to You Tube to watch it again so they could protest in the morning once more.
- Remember Tano Pasman? That lovable football fan whose lack of anger
management sessions took him to a near-stroke situation in every game? Of course you do, this is the only kind of news you care about! Well, anyway. Not only he’s doing “twitcams” now every time he watches a game, but he also has a blog, he ‘s on every football-related TV show and even has a newspaper column. Is he overkilling it? According to The Simpsons, and that episode with the “I didn’t do it” skit, yes. He used to be funny, now it’s just sad.
- Now that gay people can get married here and the world didn’t end after all children automatically turned homosexual, like all conservatives predicted, there’s a new bill headed to Congress looking to grant identity rights to transgender people. So here’s a nice little campaign ad (with English subtitles) that’s certainly gonna make the heads of religious freaks explode.
- Remember last month when River Plate was relegated to the National B and hooligans pretty much burned down the City, so government officials and AFA directives assured the football club would be “severely punished” for what had happened? Well guess what! It’s been over a month and no one remembers about it anymore, so there’s no need to punish them. Yay, football!
- And here’s some piece of advice to all you stoners out there: if you’re going to be stupid enough to grow your own pot, or even worse, grow it and sell it, try to do it somewhere out of sight.