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Weekly News Roundup, December 28th.

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It’s Friday again!

And it’s December 28th, which means that today is the Día de los Inocentes, or “Holy Innocent’s Day“, the Spanish-speaking version of Aprils Fools’. So there, go prank someone.

It’s been a slow week. The end of the year is upon us and politicians are lazy. Actually everyone is lazy because it’s insanely hot outside, so the mere act of breathing makes your pores  secrete tears of sweat.

I’ve tried hard to find what to talk about since President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is not down to her usual antics and everyone else is completely checked out. In fact, I’m completely checked out. Just visit our Facebook page and click like so you can keep up with future updates.

I know I’m supposed to be writing shtick and all that but my mind is on the beach right now, sorry.

This is what you need to No, wait! I forgot to say: No Weekly News Roundup next Friday because I’m on vacation. Get it? OK. Now yes.

This is what you need to know:

  • Winner the polar bear (OK, it's not Winner. It's some random polar bear from Wikipedia. But whatever, they all look the same). (Photo/Wikipedia)

    Infinite sadness! In some twisted turn of fate (either that or Santa Claus has a dark sense of humor), everyone’s favorite polar bear, our beloved Winner, passed away on Christmas morning at the Palermo Zoo as a result of the high temperatures and the loud fireworks that lit up the sky the night before. An entire nation mourned the poor animal (despite the fact that most people only found out of his existence after he died) and took to social networks to express outrage against pretty much everyone who didn’t look after Winner, ignoring the fact that he died BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING FIREWORKS that everyone was lighting up the night before. Or that the poor animal was locked up in a zoo dealing with the intense City heat (and don’t give me that “But he was born in captivity!” crap, tell that to yourself if it makes you feel any better). Anyway, the bear is dead. Winner, we hardly knew ye. Literally.

  • In case you were wondering (you weren’t), the Media Law still has not been enforced because the kerfuffle between the League of Doom, also known as Grupo Clarín, and the League of Infinite Victimization (the National Government) continue to butt heads over it. Now, in all honesty I’m 90% sure I’ve lost you already. You’re wondering what the next bullet point is going to be about because you’re not really into this whole “Clarin vs. Government” thing. Some of you don’t even know who Clarín is! So here’s a link to the latest developments that I’m sure you won’t read. You’re welcome. Moving on.
  • Speaking of the the insanely high temperatures last Monday: remember how you called your parents on Skype to [Whatever country you come from] to tell them of the ridiculously insane temperatures we were experiencing? Remember how you panted, like a feral dog lying on the curb, while staring at a TV screen that read that the windchill factor had reached 50°C (122°F)? Remember how we all took to Facebook to post jokes about melting, global warming, hell, demons and the sun? Turns out we were all wrong because the weather station measuring the windchill factor was apparently faulty. It was only 43°C! So there, now you’re all drama queens who just can’t take a little heat, and in addition this provides climate change deniers with the ultimate evidence to prove that global warming doesn’t exist and it’s just a conspiracy involving 99.9% of the scientists around the world.
  • Oh, and the polar bear is still dead.
  • Have you ever taken the Subte A Line? I’m sure you have. It’s the one with the cars that look like this. Ah, you see? I knew it.  It’s also the one with the cars that are falling apart. So the City Government has announced that starting next month they are shutting down all A Line stations for maybe up to 60 days so they can replace them with some new cars (“new” as in “discarded by China after using them for three decades”). “And what about the 160,000 commuters that use the service everyday?”, you say? Well, chances are most of you don’t ever use that line so we shouldn’t care about them. But if you do, you’re fucked.
  • Fortunately now that we’re done with the whole “Argentina vs. Ghana” thing, we can go back to the regular “Argentina vs. England” thing. I mean, doesn’t it strike you as suspicious that when Argentina was engaging in a bilateral catfight with the African nation we didn’t even hear about the Malvinas/Falklands? Whatever the case may be, a new series of declassified British documents are reopening the wounds of the past and offering new information as to what the hell happened back in 1982. The most “revealing” part is how the Iron Lady herself, Margaret Thatcher, said she thought the Argentine invasion of the island was stupid. Which is like the Vatican declassifying early biblical documents that say that Pontius Pilate was an apathetic creep. In any case you go: “Yeah. So?”.
  • Oh, wait! Wait! It appears the Scooby gang has cracked the case in Salta! Phew! Looks like it was just some kids playing a prank. Haha. Silly kids! That was quite a scare! It’s all good, guys. Those mischievous rascals explained that they found the (real) skeleton in a yard and put it up there as a joke. Yeah, a real skeleton.  Case closed.
  • Oh, come on. You don’t expect to get all the answers, do you? The X-Files always left some stuff unanswered as a tease, so consider this to be the same. Or like a cartoon in the 80s. Police and children make a joke, laugh in unison, closing music plays, freeze frame, end credits. You know how it is.
  • Hi, there. Can I interest you in some footage from Madonna‘s awesome concert in Córdoba last weekend? No? That’s OK, I understand. You probably already saw it here in Buenos Aires. Or you probably don’t care, which is also OK. But wait! What if the footage I offered included a power outage in the middle of a song, lots of backup singers suddenly dancing like idiots because there’s no music, a flabbergasted Madonna, like a deer caught in the headlights and thousands of awesome fans ready to keep the party going at all cost? Ha! Do I have your attention now? Here you go then, enjoy.
  • Well, it was bound to happen. I know most of you do not know who

    The irony is Peña's sex tape is actually less blurry than this photo from Wikipedia. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    actress Florencia Peña is, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t asking for a sex tape. Now, just so you know, despite her Kardashianite looks, Peña is an A-list celebrity here. She’s not one of those sluts-du-jour who keep strutting their stuff on Dancing With The Stars in order to achieve their lifelong dream of marrying a football player and becoming a desperate housewife. So when the word got out that a sex tape was about to be leaked online, many libidinous perverts began rubbing their hands before the dim light of their computer screens. And on Thursday morning, it was all over. The video was leaked and it went viral, ruining Peña’s reputation as a voluptuous femme fatale and turning her life into a never-ending cycle of grief and mortification. But this post is not about the sex tape (which I cannot post here because I don’t want the Independent to get sued, sorry to disappoint). No, this is more about the reprehensible (yet absolutely hilarious) way that the internet covered it. For example. Take a look at this site, the very respectable Agencia NOVA, covering information from the Buenos Aires province. Looks classy right? OK, not classy but average, right? (WARNING: EXTREMELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK) Now this is how it  covered the Peña affair.

  • And yes, I know that this is a macho culture that glorifies a guy having sex but dilapidates a woman having sex, condemning her to eternal damnation. So note to the girls who get offended by these posts and write me angry email:  Don’t yell at me for it. Blame the Spanish/Italian heritage.
  • In fact, I changed my mind: if you want to watch the video, here it is.
  • Ha! I can’t believe you fell for that! Feliz día de los inocentes, bitch.
  • Yeah, I know. It was a lame joke. But you know what’s worse? The fact that for a second you were glad I had decided to post a link to the video. So there. You’re a lot worse than I am.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

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- who has written 6811 posts on The Argentina Independent.


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One Response to “Weekly News Roundup, December 28th.”

  1. Ratita Presumida says:

    Are you sure you don’t have Irish blood in you Adrian? You have a wickedly Irish sense of humour! My Argie BF and I left BA for Mexico City a year ago and I read your roundup aloud to him to keep him informed of what is going on back home. Looking forward to the next 48 or so roundups in 2013 (depending on your well-deserved holidays of course):D

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