It’s Friday again!
And yes, this week’s column is mostly gonna be about the Malvinas/Falklands clusterfuck once more.
Have you rolled your eyes at me yet?
Good. Because I don’t care.
This is what you need to know:
- Previously on Weekly News Roundup: it was the UK’s turn to spice things up a bit in this Malvinas/Falkland never ending stupidity, so they sent the HMS Dauntless, a nuclear submarine and Prince William to the islands just in case Argentina decided to call them “silly.” That’s it.
- Everyone was caught off guard this week when the National Government announced that President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was going to be making a statement on national television in relation to the ongoing diplomatic conflict. While many feared she was going to make a formal declaration of war, others were more optimistic and suggested that she was going to offer the islanders a deal to create a weekly flight from Buenos Aires to the islands, which would have been really cool because I totally want to visit them. But alas, the cameras went on and the circus began. The Government had invited members of the opposition and war veterans to witness her speech, but they also let in a bunch of chanting idiots who started waving their flags and singing insults towards the British (because I’m sure the islanders are just gonna love that). And then, as the world anxiously awaited her “important announcement,” she finally said that since the UK has not complied with Argentina’s demands, she has no choice but to keep making them. Well, not really but kind of. She accused the UK of “militarizing” the South Atlantic, which is kind of hyperbolic but whatever, and warned she was going to file a formal complaint before the United Nations and the Security Council. Something she could have announced without the need to appeal to shallow nationalism.
- And while everyone was still oozing peace and love from their pores and singing about giving peace a chance as they were leaving the Government House, some Malvinas War veterans showed up and beat up Kirchnerite lawmaker José María Díaz Bancalari just because. I guess that is how they roll.
- The British press had a lot of nasty things to say about Cristina after the announcement. She’s “authoritarian” and “a quintessential bully,” they said. But the fuck up of the week goes to the Malvinas/Falklands-based online newspaper Penguin News, after the Argentine press learned that the photo of Cristina they used for their main piece on the website last Tuesday was uploaded under the name “bitch.jpg”. Whoops!
- Also, the Telegraph ran an article saying that Argentina has no more claim to the islands than Canada does to Alaska. Well, I’m sure that if being a part of Canada meant getting rid of Sarah Palin, Alaskans would sign up for Canadian citizenship like that. Just saying.
- And since the Barack Obama (really, you clicked on that? Wow) administration seems to support Argentina’s claim on this matter (their position is that the only way to solve this is through diplomatic dialogue), Cristina is super happy and wants to be BFFs with the United States. Yay! Argentine ambassador to the US Jorge Argüello said his goal is now to take the bilateral relationship to the best place possible. Nice! Maybe they can go back to being fuck buddies, like they were called in the 90s. You don’t believe me? It’s true! Back in the 90s, the US and Argentina were so close that the local Government and press began saying that they were having “relaciones carnales” which in Spanish means – you guessed it – fucking. Of course the true story is that Argentina was in fact getting fucked by the neoliberal policies of the Washington Consensus but whatever. Yay, friends!
- Really sad news: a French 52-year old man who was visiting Argentina was brutally murdered in broad daylight by a man who tried to steal his camera while he was taking photos at the Malvinas War Memorial in Plaza San Martín. The man, identified as Laurent Schwebel, was stabbed twice in the chest and tried to walk for a few meters, asking for help. He eventually collapsed as horrified bystanders tried to assist him. The police have arrested a suspect who they believe was responsible for the murder. This proves that even though Buenos Aires is a relatively safe city you must always be aware of your surroundings and stay alert. Be safe, OK?
- Also, this tragic death aside, this is the third French tourist to be murdered in Argentina in less than a year. Half a year ago two women were raped and murdered in Salta, and even though the men who did it were quickly arrested, this is still terrible PR for Argentina. I would understand it if the French decided to stop visiting out of fear. Let’s hope they don’t.
- Oh and also, a few meters away from where the French man was brutally murdered, a cable got caught in a freight truck that was passing by, causing a traffic light to fall on top of a Brazilian tourist who was just standing there. So… yeah, you know where I’m going with this.
- Avoid Plaza San Martín altogether, is what I’m trying to say.
- And while we’re at it, you might want to avoid Vicente López as well since a blood-thirsty puma is apparently terrorizing the neighborhood. Yeah, that’s right. A puma (as in: a motherfucking puma). Oh, please! Spare me the “this shit doesn’t happen where I come from” face. It does and it does. Shut the fuck up already.
- And here’s my good deed of the day: next time you land at the Ezeiza International Airport or the Aeroparque Airport and you’re walking like a zombie, dragging your suitcase while trying to cope with your jet lag, please remember NOT TO head over to Global Exchange to trade your dollars/euros for some pesos. Because as it turns out, these mischievous guys will take your money for a 20% less value than any other money exchange place. For every dollar they will give you 3.47 pesos (when they should be giving you close to 4.35). See? And some people say this column has no value to society.
- Great news people! The National Government just announced that if you don’t have your SUBE card yet there’s no reason to worry! Because they’ve decided to push the deadline to March 2nd. since apparently there’s a couple of losers who didn’t get the memo saying that if they don’t have their SUBE cards soon, they will lose their public transportation subsidy benefits. Which means you stood in line for three hours under the searing siesta sun for nothing.
- Rock legend and Argentine icon Luis Alberto Spinetta died on Wednesday after battling with lung cancer for more than six months. The entire country and even Latin America will continue to mourn this musical genius for days, since he is considered to be one of the forefathers of what is locally known as “rock nacional.” He will be remembered by many songs, but his most popular hit will always be “Muchacha ojos de papel,” a sweet ballad he wrote after being inspired by his muse back in 1969 that still fills 50 and 60 somethings with nostalgia. Listen to it, it’s pretty nice.
- Remember a few months ago when local football megastar Martín Palermo announced he was retiring, and they threw this huge farewell party at the Boca Juniors stadium, and everyone paid a lot of money to go there and everyone was crying because it was an emotional moment and they even gave give an actual goal as a gift and stuff? Well, as it turns out that wasn’t the real farewell party, for some reason! And if you thought so then you must have misunderstood. You see, the real farewell party was last Sunday and if you wanted to attend you had to pay again of course. Isn’t football great? Yeah. Great way to make money! Like some bright mind tweeted recently: “I loved Martin Palermo’s farewell party last Sunday. I really hope the next one in six months is even better.” Clap, clap, clap.
- Oh, and before I forget: please don’t write to me explaining how one was a farewell ceremony and the other was a farewell game. I really, really, really don’t give a shit.
Have a great weekend everyone!