Categorized | Thoughts of a Foreigner

Weekly News Roundup, February 3rd.

Share/Bookmark

It’s Friday again!

And I’m mortified to say that this may be our last Weekly News Roundup ever, since the way things are going it’s very probable that in a few days Buenos Aires will be replaced by a highly radioactive wasteland after a British nuke goes off somewhere in the City, the result of David Cameron’s unilateral escalation of the Malvinas / Falklands sovereignty conflict.

Haha, I’m kidding of course!

However, don’t tell your mother about these jokes because you know how parents react to all this. You make a joke about war and they start freaking out, yelling at you for abandoning the comfort of your first-world lifestyle to leave for “Argelina or one of those countries near Brazil” (“Brazil” being the only country they more or less know how to locate on a map of South America. Yeah, that’s right, it’s always Brazil. It’s not Colombia, it’s not Paraguay and God knows it’s not Guyana, a country that even I thought was in Africa for several years. I know it. You know it. We all know it.)

Deal with it.

This is what you need to know:

  • Prince William. His country may have nuclear weapons and rule the Malvinas, but he's going bald and there's nothing he can do about that. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    Since apparently Mr. Cameron is dealing with some troubles at home he needs to divert attention and find a cause that will fire up the population. And what better way of doing that than appealing to the most primal of stupid nationalism? And while Argentina keeps saying “let’s talk about how those islands should belong to us,” the British government replies “Oh my God, invasion!!” So in order to protect the Malvinas/Falklands from a certain non-invasion and bring all of us closer to war, Great Britain has:

  • 1) Decided it would be a great idea to send the HMS Dauntless to the islands in order to protect them from Argentina’s non-invasion. Despite its totally gay name, the Dauntless is a powerful anti-air destroyer capable of shooting down Argentina’s non-existing air force. Of course the British government said it was just “routine,” but we all know what that means.
  • 2) In addition to that impressive warship, they also thought it would be smart to deploy to the islands none other than Prince William himself, who I’m sure is thrilled to have to stay at some barren, windy outpost north of nowhere for six weeks. I can totally see him, scotch in hand, going ”What the fuck am I doing here?” and such. Of course the British government said it was just “routine,” but we all know what that means.
  • 3) As if that were not enough, Meryl Streep‘s latest film, “The Iron Lady,” which depicts the life of British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and focuses somewhat on the 1982 war between England and Argentina, opened yesterday and now everyone is depressed because it reminds them of that drunken military president who went to war with the UK because he needed to rally the country’s population behind some random cause to retain power. So I would suggest you avoid the issue altogether unless you wanna get punched in the face.
  • أخبار عظيمة للجميع! (That’s supposed to be “Great news, everyone!” in Arabic according to Google Translate. It should have been in Farsi, but the option is not available so fuck it.) Inhuman rights champion and President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmedinejad officially launched last Tuesday a new Spanish news network which he expects will present “the cultural reality of Iran, the Middle East and Latin America.” In a very contrived Spanish, good old Mahmoud said: “Death to America!”Viva España! Viva America Latina!” That’s great Mr. President! And you know, his administration is changing after all. A few years ago they would stone women to death, but now they “kinda call off the whole stoning thing.” A few years ago they would also execute the gays just for being gay, but now they have no more gays! They must have cured them or something. Right? Right?? Also, I’m pretty sure he was high when he made that video.
  • Did you enjoy that overrated French movie, Amelie? Did you also enjoy that clearly underrated masterpiece The Da Vinci Code but are too ashamed to admit it? In both cases you probably enjoyed Audrey Tautou‘s performance. So if you care to get her autograph, you should know that she’s loose in San Telmo right now, according to every media outlet in the country. Yeah, that’s right. This is news, for some reason.
  • Your dream has come true: Facebook Buenos Aires is now hiring! Too bad your resume is a million light years away from the kind of resume they’re looking for. Oh well. Pizza Hut and KFC are about to open in BA too and they will probably be looking for some “driven, outgoing individuals interested in workin in a fun, exciting environment.” Just saying.
  • Mother Nature must have been pissed this week, because she’s been coming down hard on us humans.  A freak storm was unleashed over Córdoba city, catching everyone by surprise. Two people were killed, more than a dozen were injured and hundreds had to be evacuated.
  • Are you one of the million people who listened to my advice last week and stood in line for five hours under the sun/rain in order to get your SUBE card before the February 10 deadline? Well, like I’ve said a thousand times before, you should never listen to me. Because this week the Government set up a web site where people can order it online and get it in the comfort of their homes. No waiting. Sorry!
  • Yeah, I know I just said you should never listen to me, but trust me on this one.
  • Rive Plate played against Boca Juniors again in the “second part” of that fake Superclásico that the AFA pulled out of its ass in order to make more money. River Plate lost again. The AFA won again. You lost again.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

This post was written by:

- who has written 6812 posts on The Argentina Independent.


Contact the author

Facebook comments

comments

4 Responses to “Weekly News Roundup, February 3rd.”

  1. p says:

    I always find interesting how some people is horrified by the iranian inhumanity, but doesn’t say a word about US inhumanity. To stone a woman to death is bad, really bad, but it’s also terrible to use lethal injection, or any other of the US methods to legally kill people. And don’t get me started on torture and ilegal imprisonment. Hello, Guantanamo.

    And Cameron, well, he must be trying to follow the steps of the drunk argentinean militar president back in 1982. How could have guess being a Galtieri is hot again?

    The only thing is that, once again, Argentina’s chances are crap. Please, UK, don’t hurt us. Let’s sit and talk.

  2. Haroldo says:

    ,,,Seriously, i don’t think the UK is interested in war. They just want to remind Argentina that they haven’t forgotten the Falklands

  3. Carol says:

    @ Matt Graham

    Saying that both governemtns are playing with public opinion is not AntiBritshi nor Anti Argentine, it’s just the truth.

    This reporter is always ironical in his comments, and “against” everyone, you should read all his previous blogs.

    Now, it’s also an “endless nationalistic retoric” on the UK side not to speak to Argentina and settle the question once and for all.

    All the more when the UK is stronger and has greater chances of showing they are right!

  4. Where I’d just love to comment on those penguin-filled islands in the south, I’d rather not.

    Seriously laughed my head off at the paragraph on the floods. It’s funny and sad at the same time because it is all… totally true.

    I hate the flash flooding here, and after each year goes by I hate it a little more.

    For those who are new to the city – central Belgrano and Palermo Hollywood are hell when it rains heavily! Just look at the links on this blog and you will see!

    And, as Adrian says – do not be fooled and gasp in awe of the train stations here… keep your wits about you and watch your bags, purses and pockets.

    Besos to all!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks


Leave a Reply

Follow us on Twitter
Visit us on Facebook
View us on YouTube

Five years on from the death of ex president Raúl Alfonsín, we look back at those emotional days in 2009 and reflect on the legacy left by 'the father of democracy'

    Directory Pick of the Week

Magdalena's Party in Palermo

Magdalena’s Party has daily 2 x 1 Happy Hour specials til midnight, and the "best onda".
Sign up to The Indy newsletter