Live from New York, it’s Friday again!
That’s right, I’m still here.
Which is not the same I can say about you, since Argentina (and Buenos Aires in particular) is up in flames. Or at least that’s what it looks like according to the media, which in an ironic twist of fate, I’m apparently part of.
But I think I finally get you. It’s hard to follow what happens in the country when you’re abroad. Because:
- If you read the anti-Government media, the country looks like this.
- If you read the pro-Government media, the country looks like this.
- If you read the objective media, you’re lying because it doesn’t exist.
Well, it happened. The #8N. November 8. The mother of all protests took place in Argentina and around the world, as millions took to the streets to express their disapproval with the way the National Government is handling things. From a rise in criminality to the idea of indefinite reelection, from foreign currency restrictions to President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner’s bullying, many gathered in Argentina and abroad to call for change.
- The Federal Police says close to 70.000 people gathered around the Obelisk. La Nacion says it was 250,000 people. The Metropolitan Police says it was 500,000 people.
- Also this happened. See? Being a journalist is dangerous.
- On Friday, Cristina gave a speech and said that “something important happened today: China held elections, bitches!”. OK, she didn’t say “bitches” but she might as well have, since she completely ignored yesterday’s protests. OK, no, she didn’t completely ignored them, I’m not being fair. She just dismissed them, saying it’s not her fault that there is no opposition in this country that can represent people who dissent with her government, and assured she remains committed to her agenda.
- In the end, living in Argentina is like being one of those big-breasted teenagers in the Scream movies. You know someone out there is out to kill you but you’re not really sure who it is, but both the Government and Grupo Clarín look shady, so you suspect and distrust everyone, spiraling down into a self-destructive state of paranoia and fear. Then, also like in Scream, it turns out that it was actually both of them who were out to get you. Moral of the story: no matter which side wins, we’re fucked either way.
- Oh, you never saw Scream so I just spoiled the ending for you? Tough luck. It came out in 1996, so get on with the times or stop reading my column.
- Apparently that whole deal with the Frigate Libertad being stuck in Ghana is still going on! I wonder what those crazy guys are up to this week. Let’s see… Oh! A stand-off between the Ghanaian and Argentine forces when they attempted to board the ship – court order in hand – to move it somewhere else because it is messing with the area’s feng shui or something. Not a single round was fired, which is kind of disappointing because going to war with an African nation is just what this country needs to get out of this rut.
- Oh, by the way, not sure if you know this, but Obama was reelected and the Indy has an interesting article on what his victory means for Latin America. Will he visit Argentina in his second term? Will we see more of that sexual tension between Cristina and Obama? Will we visit Cocodrilo, Buenos Aires’ most exquisite and refined strip club, like Bill Clinton did? Who knows. I don’t.
- Whatever happens, Cristina has given the first step and sent him a
lovecongratulatory letter on his reelection. “We are ready to help you build a more just world,” she said. Awwwww. <3
- Obama promptly replied to the message by thanking Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff and Colombian president Juan Manuel Santos et al. on the phone.
- Oh, and in case you’re wondering, that “et al.” does not include Cristina.
- According to my sources (a few people I follow on Twitter) Buenos Aires was blanketed in a putrid stench this week because of another CEAMSE employee strike.
- That’s not all. The Government was forced to issue a yellow alert due to extremely (and unusually) high temperatures.
- The extreme heat obviously caused a power blackout, leaving the city in the dark.
- It’s official: after today’s storm it is clear that God hates Buenos Aires. It’s like the 10 biblical plagues, only updated to 2012. Instead of locusts, we get garbage bags piling up on the streets that first lie in the searing sun for days, stinking up the city. Generators blow, depriving us of our precious air conditioning and then the floating garbage clogs the sewers during a severe storm, flooding it. REPENT, SINNERS!
- In the meantime, Mayor and unconventional hero Mauricio Macriwas
- Oh, and no football this weekend because I have no idea what happened, but please keep in mind that I hate it.
- What’s that? “It’s too short this week!” you say? Well next time you pay for my vacations, and I’ll make it longer, deal?
- Yeah, didn’t think so.
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