Weekly News Roundup, October 12th.

It’s Friday again!

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This is what you need to…- What? No, no introductory paragraph today.

What’s the point anymore? You already know what this is all about.

Just read, who cares.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez, who you don't know very well but have heard that he's like Saddam, or Bin Laden or Darth Vader or one of those. You're not sure. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Victory! Our Venezuelan brothers and sisters once again decided that change is no fun and reelected supreme overlord Hugo Chávez for the third time. Which means we’re gonna have to put up with his singing until 2019, when I’m sure he’ll be reelected again, and again, and again. Our lady President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was fast to tweet about it, and now all we need is for their socialist partner in crime of the north Barack HUSSEIN (this part all in caps to remind you he’s probably Kenyan or Arab or something) Obama to get reelected so the three of them can form the axis of coolness. No, really. Believe it or not Chávez is super gay for Obama. Read this piece by Reuters and tell me there’s not an underlying tone of homoeroticism somewhere in there.

• Seriously? First bullet point and I already need to explain I’m joking? OK.

• But not all was well in the Bolivarian (I said Bolivarian, not Bolivian, and yes, there’s a difference) republic, since local anti-Kirchnerite journalist and “kind of affable guy” Jorge Lanata, who was there to cover the electoral process, was stopped by the Venezuelan police as he was trying to leave the country and had all his footage confiscated and erased. Understandably upset, Lanata took to his news network to denounce censorship, an accusation that was met by Kirchnerites with skepticism and mockery. Now, does Lanata dislike Cristina? Absolutely. Is this a made up story in order to make the Government look bad? Unlikely, but you’re welcome to believe whatever makes you feel any better. But when you say “if it truly happened, then he deserved it” just because you don’t like what he says, then it’s time to admit that it’s not that you don’t like a fascist state. You just don’t like a fascist state you disagree with.

• Oh, and before you get the hate mail rolling: no. I didn’t not just call this Government “fascist”. I’m simply trying to exemplify that if you are willing to let such blatant violation of freedom of the press (real or not) go unnoticed just because you don’t like a network’s ideology, then you have no right to complain when in the future something similar happens to a journalist you like. Got it?

• Also, there’s a lot happening with regards to the Government’s Media Law and the day it’s supposed to go in effect (December 7th, or “7-D”), but I know all about your short attention span and if I explain what it’s about you’ll forget in two hours so I’d rather cover it in the coming months. In the meantime, here’s Cristina talking about it on Cadena Nacional this week.

• You didn’t click on that, did you? That’s OK, I’m just checking.

• Here are some good news: the Grandmothers of the Plaza de Mayo announced that they have identified the 107th grandchild, a 34-year-old woman who was born in captivity and given away during the last military dictatorship.

• Speaking of that, remember last week how there was an imminent coup that according to some in the Government was threatening the very basis of democracy as we knew it and heralded a return to the dark ages of totalitarianism? Turns out it was just a legitimate protest. Sorry everyone!

• Ah, the abortion issue. Divider of societies and infuriator of gods. When several months ago the Supreme Court ruled in favor of abortion in case of rape, progressives all over the country celebrated while conservatives were dismayed by the thought of having to share Paradise with gay couples and dead babies. As the City passed a bill last month allowing abortion in cases of rape, Mayor Mauricio Macri said he would veto it because he didn’t agree with a couple of provisions, and for some reason mentioned when the first legal abortion was scheduled to take place. Obviously that was the perfect excuse for religious organizations to come out guns blazing, including Pro-Vida (Pro-Life, wink) who filed an injunction in court against the operation. Not only that, anti-abortion activists staged a protest outside the woman’s house (yes, the woman who was raped and got pregnant while in captivity) and one of Pro-Vida’s lawyers engaged in a cringing verbal war with C5N news anchor Debora Plager, who I totally want to marry right now.

• But in the end, sanity prevailed: the City had no choice but to appeal the ruling even though it agrees with it (Macri hadn’t vetoed the bill by the time she scheduled the abortion) and the judge who suspended the surgery was removed from the case. Yay!

• Also, if you’re suffering from information overload, here’s another way of dealing with abortion.

• This week, in “Presidential Visits that Go Largely Unnoticed because the Media Doesn’t Care“: Ireland’s Michael Higgins.

•  Remember last week when I told you about the Fragata Libertad and how it had been impounded by the Ghanaian government? Yeah, well. Sorry, it’s still impounded after Argentina failed to convince a square judge that the ship is entitled to immunity because it’s a military vessel. Articles are already surfacing about “how the crew is dealing with their unavoidable life in Ghana” and how they had to take some medicine in order to escape a deadly bout of malaria. It’s just like “Survivor“! Or it’s aborted Argentine version, Expedición Robinson which no one cared about.

• No seriously, it was really bad! Look.

• Oh, and the local Government, still enduring a bucolic hibernation and tumbling out of bed, finally decided to “send some guys over there and see what the fuzz is all about.”

• Three people found dead in a car in the middle of the jungle. Shot over forty times. You know where. Just evacuate that place.

• OUTRAGE! The local media, and by osmosis, the Argentine population, are offended with the neighboring country of Peru due at a YouTube video that went viral this week showing a Peruvian girl hitting an Argentine classmate outside their university in some region I never heard of. The Argentine girl, obviously offended because like I said six words ago, she’s Argentine, is demanding that the authorities do something against the tyrant bully and her xenophobic kingdom of terror. But as the Peruvian sheriffs seemingly failed to topple such a monstrous behemoth, the colossal task was left to the Argentine YouTube users, who by means of powerful acceptance and surgical diplomacy tried to handle such international crisis in the best way possible: “Dude, why the fuck are you staying there with all those indians? Just get a scholarship and come study to your country with your fellow countrymen. Those natives are NOT your people. Leave.“

• Yeah, that was an actual comment by YouTube user rainerschanegger. Klemens von Metternich must be proud. Or spinning in his grave.

• As we all know, it’s been scientifically proven that Palermo is the
  

  Klemens von Metternich. You probably don't know who he is, which makes him spin in his grave even more. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  neighborhood with all the cool happenings. So in case you were doing some laps around the park or sweating it at Vitruvian on Thursday, you may have noticed the Animal Control van parked in front of the planetario. As it turns out, people in the area were being terrified by a blood-thirsty monkey that had escaped from illegal captivity and was instilling fear by sitting casually on a tree while eating a tuna sandwich. Fortunately for the nation at large, the ungodly creature was killed “recaptured” and returned to safety (in a zoo). We hope. Ha! It’s a jungle out there. Literally! Right? RIGHT?!

• I know, I hate myself too.

• Oh and suddenly this doesn’t look like a clever marketing stunt anymore, does it? THIS IS HOW IT ALL STARTS, PEOPLE!!!!

• Now this is a tough one guys, so I need you to sit down. You know that I have a full disclosure policy. I like to be upfront when it comes to bad news because no matter how hard they are, it’s better to take them fast, remove them like a band-aid. I don’t know how to tell you this… well, actually I do: Ricardo Fort‘s show got cancelled last Saturday. Teary-eyed and visibly heartbroken, his honest farewell to his loyal audience of 17 people can only be compared to other moments of infinite sadness in pop culture history, such as the death of Bambi’s mom and the death of Simba’s dad. But before you run to your room and angrily tear up his posters, good old Ricardo regaled us with his unique talent one last time. And please, before you watch this, keep in mind that this is NOT parody. Enjoy his last song, and try not to kill yourself after it.

• Also: Disney, what the hell’s wrong with you?! No wonder we’re all fucked up.

• Monumental joy! If you happened to be walking around Libertador Av. last Monday afternoon, you were probably terrorized by chanting hordes of River Plate fans that were ravaging everything on their way in order to celebrate the creation of “the longest flag in the world.” That’s right, never underestimate football fans with a lot of time in their hands because this is what they’ll come up with. Right outside the River Plate stadium in Nuñez, over one hundred thousand fans dressed in red and white congregated in order to show the Guinness World Records that their flag (and by transference their penises) is the longest one in the world. 7.8 kilometers long! Think of the long work hours, the effort, the people who have died in the creation of such a gargantuan task only comparable to the pyramids of Giza. Congratulations are in order, River Plate fans. So congratulations!

• No, wait. I take that back. Next time do a little research, guys. As it turns out the “longest flag in the world” already exists and (sorry to tell you this) it’s 25 kilometers long! And it gets worse: it is also in Argentina! And it gets even worse: it was unveiled two years ago during the bicentennial celebrations in front of the entire nation! Ha! I assume you didn’t get the memo, eh fuckers? Better luck next time.

• What’s that, River Plate fans? Oh, the Guinness World Records still hasn’t officially recognized it so you’re trying to beat the Argentine flag to the punch? Oh, that’s clever! Who knows, maybe all the effort was not in vain after all and you will…- oh, fuck.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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