It’s Friday again! (That’s right, we’re back to using that one).

And what a week it’s been!

The dollar fever is on the rise and Argentines keep roaming the streets aimlessly, eyes injected in blood from all the whining, looking for a green bill that any lucky foreigner may be willing to part ways with. It’s like zombies, only they say “Dollars… dollars…” instead of “Brains… brains…”.

You know how it is, you’ve seen The Walking Dead.

You see, US dollars have become a commodity in the last few weeks due to the Government’s desperate attempts at stopping the country from bleeding money.

So if you’re abroad and are thinking of making a quick trip to good old Argieland, make sure you bring a big fat wad o’ cash. Preferably lots of Benjamins. If you sell them for pesos in the black market you may or may not be able to buy yourself a pretty little castle (moat included!) in this country.

But if you’re not abroad and are thinking of making a quick trip to the US, you’re fucked.

And now that I’ve ruined your life, and liked the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, this is what you need to know:

• 

  Have you seen any of these lately? If you have, call me. We need to talk. (Photo/Wikipedia)

   DESPAIR! Millions of Argentines are growing increasingly impatient to the Government’s new currency exchange policies which make it hard for common folk like you and me to buy dollars. And yes, I know I just mentioned that in the introduction but that was just that: an introduction and a hook to keep you interested. God knows the hate mail starts coming in as soon as you come across a paragraph that doesn’t contain a snarky remark or a punchline. So shut up and keep reading, I’m doing this to help you understand the gigantic clusterfuck we’re all immersed in right now.

• So like I was saying… DESPAIR! This week saw the passing of controversial Resolution 3333 which restricts currency trading even more. A day that will live in infamy! Because now if you want to travel abroad and need to buy dollars, it is very, very difficult to do so. You need to obtain a special permit from the AFIP tax agency and in order to do so you must prove that the money you’re using was obtained legally. So if you have an Argentine DNI, why not give it a shot? Visit the AFIP website, enter your personal information and get upset when your request is categorically denied. Congratulations! You’re now officially an Argentine citizen.

• What are you yelling at me for?! I never told you to move here.

• As millions of Argentines looking to buy dollars to travel abroad visited the infamous AFIP website hoping for an absolution, many started to realize something was slightly odd in the “Country of Destination” section of the form they were supposed to fill out. As people scrolled down through the list of countries they noticed Cold War relics such as Yugoslavia, the USSR and East Germany were available as possible “destinations,” in case you wanted to take a holiday in 1972. Soon the media (“the media” being mainly Clarín and La Nación, of course) began echoing the head scratching gaffe,  as if it were some kind of collective venting experience, a cathartic moment of joy universally known as the good old “Ha-ha!”.  So now you know: if you wanna go to Machu Picchu, don’t forget to click on “Incan Empire” as destination. You may end up in a different century, and if there’s something we have all learned from Back to the Future is that you do not fuck with time. You’re welcome.

• Ultra-Kirchnerite senator Aníbal Fernández, known for his capability to articulately defend the indefensible and also for his prominent mustache, obviously went out with guns blazing to attack those criticizing the new restrictions. “Argentina has to start thinking in pesos,” he said. “Only 11% of Argentines save in dollars, the rest of the population has nothing to do with it. For that reason, you have to make policies that make sense to everyone and give us similar solutions.” No punchline, right? Keep reading, it’s coming.

• One day after Fernández’s statements in which he urged Argentines to save in pesos, not dollars, the media (“the media” being mainly Clarín and La Nación, of course), published a detailed list of his personal savings, information that is available upon request in order to “keep corruption out of government” *cough*. And what do you know! Our mustached friend has US$24,000 stored safely away in his bank account! Naughty, naughty! Cornered, wounded and without much ammo left, when he was criticized once more by a journalist for preaching about something he wasn’t doing himself, he just exploded: “You know why I save in dollars? Because I fucking feel like it!” Oh, shit. He went there.

• One day and many screams from President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner later, the mustached crusader apologized for his statements and said he would get rid of his dollars eventually (“eventually” as in “never”). Did I mention the President still has US$3 million in savings? Because she does. But that’s OK, she’s the President. She can do whatever the fuck she wants.

• And indeed she can, apparently, because if you want to stay in her hotel in Calafate, you must bring dollars baby! Ah, democracy.

• Remember the recent accusations against Vice-President Amado Boudou? That’s OK, I didn’t expect you to. So here’s a link to it, so you can at least pretend to care. Anyway, one of the casualties of political war in this whole mess was Attorney General Esteban Righi, who resigned from office after Boudou suggested he had tried to bribe him. In his replacement, the Government suggested appointing current SIGEN head Daniel Reposo, a man you don’t know about or care about, and that’s OK because even if you did it wouldn’t make any difference. So Reposo showed up all cocky and proud at the steps of Congress and turned in his résumé, which would be subjected to great scrutiny in the congressional committees. Too bad Reposo seemed to forget this, because as soon as lawmakers began analyzing it they came across certain “irregularities,” (AKA lies) about his professional past. Let’s review them, shall we?

• Résumé says: “Speaker at UN conference alongside Ban Ki-moon.”
• Counterargument: UN says he just attended the event, never spoke.
• Official Government response: “It was a typo.”

• Résumé says: “Speaker at the XIII Ibero-American Conference of Public Administration Ministers in Venezuela.”
• Counterargument: Organization in Venezuela has no record of him ever speaking there.
• Official Government response: “It was a typo.”

• Résumé says: “Worked for the International Association of Jewish Lawyers and Jurists.”
• Counterargument: Association has no record of him ever working there.
• Official Government response: “It was a typo.”

• No, really, the Government is claiming these were all typos.  So check back next week when we find out he did not, in fact, run for president of the United States in the 90s and the he wasn’t a part of the Apollo 11 crew when they walked on the moon.

• Did you enjoy the cacerolazo last night? An alluring, exotic experience
  

  Join the super fun Cacerolazo tonight! It's just like the "Occupy" or "Indignant" movements, with the only difference that it is nothing like them. At all. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  for you, wasn’t it? People in Recoleta, Palermo and Belgrano (all middle-to-upper class neighborhoods *wink, wink*) decided they had had enough of “corruption, inflation, insecurity” and took to the streets to demand they are allowed to be rich and stuff. This guy even went viral worldwide! And to think that some of you even joined the protests! Look at you, how dangerously adventurous! Your parents would be proud! And here are some even greater news: in order to expand your anthropological studies of the Argentine society even further,  they are repeating it tonight! That’s right, starting at 10 pm, tonight’s nationwide cacerolazo is expected to be even bigger than last night’s! With some luck you may be able to experience what happened here 10 years ago when the country’s economy suffered its worst meltdown in history and it all went to shit. Seriously, who needs to go to the USSR in the 70s when you can go to Argentina in 2001? And you don’t even need an AFIP permit for this one.

• The Catholic Church is still freaking out about the recent Supreme Court ruling on abortion and is now supporting a bill drafted by the clergy that suggests offering cash incentives to women if they choose not to terminate their pregnancies.  Awesome idea, you guys! One question though: who’s supposed to pay for that if passed, the Pope? Oh I see, we’re gonna pay for that. Not you. Us! Splendid. Jesus must be rolling in his grave cloud.

• Not that you care or anything, but the Iguazu Falls have finally been awarded a plaque reading that they are part of the “New Seven Wonders of the World,” a private undertaking led by the New Open World Corporation that is not related in any way, shape of form to UNESCO, meaning that it’s total bullshit. Yeah, I know. I just completely ruined it for you, whatever.

• Also, if you don’t believe me, UNESCO is not very happy about it either.

• Great news, everyone! Now that cell phone companies have stolen billions from you, their loyal paying customers, the Government has finally decided that it’s not legal for them to charge you for making a call when the other side doesn’t pick up. The bad news is that you probably didn’t know this, and right now you’re going: “What?! You mean I been paying thousands of pesos for calls that never existed?!”. Yes. Yes I do mean that.  :)

• Oh and also, have you been having problems when sending a text message from your cell phone, especially if you have a Claro or Movistar line? Well, first of all you kind of deserve it because no one sends text messages anymore. Everybody uses Whatsapp. And second of all, don’t worry, it’s not your phone. According to Movistar, it’s Claro’s fault. Then again, according to Claro, it’s Movistar’s fault. And while both companies pilloried each other indirectly in the twitterverse, I’m pretty sure all those text messages you sent and never arrived were added to your bill accordingly. Do you want me to end this one with a happy face too, so it makes you feel a little better? OK, here it is.

•  Now, I don’t mean to freak you out but the new season of the local version of Dancing With The Stars (“Bailando por un Sueño“) officially has a premiere date! That’s right friends! On June 11th. our favorite host Marcelo Tinelli and his army of high-class hookers professional dancers are taking over the airwaves again! So grab your kids, pour yourself some glass of fine wine, light up a cigar and sit right next to the chimney so you can enjoy some quality television with the family. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get some tits and ass, all on the same night! God knows humanity is still recovering from what happened last year (watch the 1:45 mark).

• Speaking of poor taste: Behold! After many days of uncertainty and intrigue, former has-been model and current Who’s-that-again Katie Price released the much coveted portfolio of her new lingerie line “Katie’s Boutique,” exclusively sold at Store Twenty One (“exclusively” as in “no other store would want to sell it”). Now if you’re wondering why this is news in Argentina (I would be if I were you), it is because as you may recall, Katie is still dating former TV lifeguard and current boyfriend-of-Katie-Price Leandro Penna, who – you guessed it – is featured largely in the racy photographs.  Which means everyone here was talking about it. That’s right people. This is what passes for news nowadays. Deal with it.

• Also, the British may be sending a nuclear submarine this way, but the Argentines send them Leandro Penna. A nuclear blast may be a more effective, immediate solution to end a conflict, but the dumbing down of a cultural heritage has more harmful, lasting effects than the radioactive fallout. Five more years of his insightful brainfarts on Twitter and BAM! The Falkland Islands belong to Argentina again.

• Before we jump into the next bullet point, let me just make it abundantly clear that I had nothing to do with it. Got it? So no hate mail. Fan mail is OK, though. OK? OK.

• Millions of football fans around the world shrieked in horror last Monday when, while checking Twitter to learn the latest about the football world minutiae, realized that Fox Sports Norte tweeted that probable cyborg Lionel Messi had died. As panic began spreading throughout the international football community and many prayed that the tweet was actually referring to the other, less-popular Lionel Messi, the real Messi came back from the dead and announced he was, in fact, very much alive. So I guess all those idiots that have been calling him “the Messi-ah” these last few years had kind of a point.

• Then again, Fox Sports Norte later announced their Twitter account had been hacked, so no. They didn’t.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono