It’s Friday again!

And before you start reading, let me kindly suggest that you go get your news somewhere else.

No, I’m not kidding. I’m serious. Go read about something that really matters, like how your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s zodiacal sign means he/she is prone to infidelity.

Because honestly, there’s not much to read here this week. Everything you read will basically redirect you to two things: either the Malvinas/Falklands conflict or football.

And quite frankly, I think you and I have had enough of that.

So this week I had to face an impossible decision: either I didn’t write the column in order to let the Government know that this inherent lack of tomfoolery is like slamming my fired up creativity into a cold, refreshing pool of water, or I wrote it anyway and waited for the hate mail to start pouring in.

“You always talk about the same thing, man!”

You know what I mean.

So, after cogitating for some time about professionalism and respect for my loyal readers, I understandably took the high road and decided to tell you all to go fuck yourselves and go out for a beer.

So now I’m hung over and, for some reason, still writing this column even though I originally decided against it.

I was going somewhere with all this but I’ve lost my train of thought.

Thanks for nothing, readers.

This is what you need to- Oh yeah! Now I remember. Like I said, this week this column is mostly about the Malvinas and football. So there. Take it or leave it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Yes. I already used this photo a few months ago. If you have a better idea for a photo this week, you know where to write. I won't care but you know where to write. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This week saw the 30th anniversary of the end of the Malvinas/Falklands War (See? Malvinas. Told you.) and of course the bilateral acrimony between Argentina and the United Kingdom was emanating strongly from both sides of the ocean. So here’s everything that happened in a nutshell, so we can get this out of the way fast and move to other more important things, like football.

• David Cameron, that cheeky British prime minister, thought that in order to piss off the Argentines even more on the day of the anniversary, it would be a good idea to fly the Falklands’ flag on top of 10 Downing Street. Very subtle way of saying “Fuck you”, sir. Congrats. You truly are a gentleman.

• On that same day, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to New York to attend a conference at the United Nations, where the Special Committee on Decolonization regularly functions. “Regularly” of course being used ironically since in international relations the SCD is considered to be obsolete, but whatever. She spoke, she didn’t say anything new, once again asked the UK to give peace a chance and then urged the British government to engage in dialogue. Because dialogue is the only way that this will ever be solved. OK? OK. Now read the next bullet point.

• Once her speech was over, a representative of the islands’ government approached Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman and tried to hand him a letter addressed to Cristina in which he asked her to talk to them in order to discuss the islands’ sovereignty. Timerman said no. You guys didn’t think that whole dialogue bullshit was true, right? Because it’s not. Well, now the islanders are upset. Which means that there’s no possibility of a rapprochement anytime soon and I will still have to write about this stuff in the future. Fuck my life.

• Meanwhile, in the Malvinas/Falklands: the islanders, probably tired of being ignored by the international community, announced they would conduct a referendum on the islands in order to “put this sovereignty fuckery to rest once and for all.” Well, they didn’t say it like that, but that’s what they meant. So that’s great, guys! However, there’s no need to “announce” you’re gonna do it. Just do it! Considering the islands have a population of like, 12 people, you just go to the local pub and tell the parishioners to raise their hands and count. That’s it! Referendum ready.

• I’m kidding, islanders! I know you’re more than 12 people! I also know you read my weekly rants, so I’m sorry, but if everyone else falls then you don’t get to leave this column unscathed.

• This week, in non-Malvinas related news: the Interior Ministry announced the creation of a new passport that will cost 400 pesos and will include a state-of-the-art chip that Argentina hopes will persuade nations such as the US, Canada or Australia from asking citizens for a visa before they travel there. The good news is that since dollars are basically impossible to find anywhere in this country, Argentines weren’t even thinking of going there in the first place. See? Everybody happy.

• **UPDATE** The US has already replied by saying “Thanks! But no thanks.”

•  Apparently the cacerolazos are still happening, even though no one is actually aware of them. Not content with last week’s fiasco, which failed to galvanize the anti-Kirchnerite segment of the population, a few angry people decided to come out yesterday and bang their frying pans and teapots in order to demand access to their dollars protest corruption. Fortunately this time they had the help of former mayoral candidate and absolutely crazy person Guillermo Cherashny (did you click on that? You should. Want another one? Here’s another one). I’m not sure what Cherashny, a journalist who really did run for mayor of Buenos Aires, was doing there in the first place but if his protest methodologies are indication of anything, I’m certain the cacerolazos will eventually become a “thing”. After all, who could forget his You Tube video aimed at Hewlett-Packard in which he decides to take action against his laptop computer (did you click on that? You should.)?

• Also, since we are talking about protests and injustice, can anyone give this guy a hand? You see, former railway worker Luis Alberto Ninona has been indicted along with many others in the case investigating the Once railway tragedy that took the lives of 51 people last February. So understandably, Mr. Ninona is not allowed to leave the country, as he is suspected of being responsible of manslaughter. But, alas! His lawyer announced that he has all these (I assume, frequent flier) “miles” accumulated and he needs to used them before they expire for a little vacation in Punta Cana, where he’ll be sipping piña coladas for a few days only to eventually return to explain why he’s not kind of responsible for so many deaths. The prosecutor, clearly a bad person, has already said he will not let him leave Argentina for a trip with his family. Can any of you give this guy a hand? Anyone? No? Shame on you.

• Now here’s a piece of news that could be considered a semiotician’s wet dream: do you know who Richard Stallman is? Well, in case you’re too lazy to even click on that link to Wikipedia, let’s just say he’s a computer programmer who was become globally known as the leader of the “free software” movement. (also known as “people who want free shit”). You may recall reading about Mr. Stallman last year after he stirred quite a controversy when he said “he wasn’t glad Steve Jobs was dead but he was glad he was gone.” Still don’t know him? OK, never mind. Anyway, Mr. Stallman was invited to speak about free software at the UBA School of Economics last Friday and, predictably, had his personal computer, passport, medication and travel money stolen while he was giving his conference! So… karma? You know what, I take back what I said at the beginning. This week was amazingly funny.

• At long, last! After six interminable months devoid of music, dancing, and masturbatory material, the biggest TV show in the history of poor quality TV shows is back! (No, kids! I’m not talking about Ricardo Fort‘s megalomaniac extravaganza “Fort Night Show.” That one actually begins in eight days and it already looks like it’s gonna suck). I’m talking about the local version of Dancing With The Stars of course! The impressive opening last Monday, which lasted over 12 minutes, and I must admit is worth watching, featured the entire cast of Game of Thrones dancing to the tunes of Madonna, Adele, LMFAO and Michael Jackson. So it was pretty much the gayest 12-minutes in the history of television. Too bad after minute 13 it’s all downhill until December.

• By the way, if you’re not a pop culture connoisseur or you just arrived in this country and have no idea who Ricardo Fort is, let me just say that if Willy Wonka and The Situation from The Jersey Shore met at a bar one night and decided to have sex, he would be their illegitimate spawn. If you still don’t get the picture, here’s his already classic rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” which I have posted here a thousand times and will continue to post until I’m dead. Or he ‘s dead. Whichever comes first.

• Also, in unrelated news but somehow totally related: for months this image went viral on every social network last year, saying that every time you start watching Dancing With The Stars (hosted by Marcelo Tinelli) a book kills itself. So in some kind of poetic -yet depressing- twist of fate, last Monday night at 3:30 am and only a few hours after the Dancing With The Stars premiere was over, a water pipe in the Library of the City Legislature “mysteriously” broke and destroyed more than 13,000 invaluable books forever.

• Horror! For the first time in its 142 years, and in order to further perpetuate the notion (well… your notion) that this country is turning into North Korea, your favorite newspaper in the whole world (La Nación) failed to reach the newsstands due to a union conflict (workers demanding better salaries). So no, this time it wasn’t the Government trying to destroy free speech. Next week maybe, but not this time.

• This week saw the death of yet another singer you couldn’t care less about, this time was Memphis La Blusera‘s Adrian Otero. Since I know that you didn’t care about Estela Raval’s death last week and you don’t care about Otero’s death this week, let’s just be practical and move on. Sorry, everyone. There’s just no point in any of this.

• The reckless endangerment in this country continues, this time in the so-called “Poncho Rally (?)” in Catamarca. The good news is that, even though the driver could have killed dozens of bystanders that were casually standing on the side of the road, this time the only one getting kind of killed is him.

• Don’t worry, I said “kind of killed,” not “killed”. You can laugh without feeling any guilt.

• As signs of an impending zombie apocalypse continue to surface all over the world, a widow in Buenos Aires seems to have fully embraced the concept and decided to pimp the crypt in which her late husband is buried. She even has cable TV and everything! Now don’t laugh. Necrophilia is in this year. Don’t you watch True Blood? It’s basically a show about dead people fucking each other and so far I haven’t heard a qualm. It’s 2012, get over it.

• Shocking! The very aptly named “Happy Planet Index” shows that on the list of happiest countries on Earth, Argentina comes No. 17! You guys, that’s awesome! See? I told you those cacerolazos were nonsense. Everyone is happy here! Now, I have no idea how this is measured, how rigorous these studies are or how much bullshit factor is involved (not because I couldn’t find it, it’s all right there on the website. I just couldn’t be bothered to look it up). All I know is that if you live in the US, Mongolia or some landlocked African nation, chances are you are pretty pissed off right now.

• That cute little alpine town at the end of the world that you love so much (Ushuaia) is seemingly entering the Ice Age once again. Tierra del Fuego authorities reported that only last week it had already snowed half of what they would usually get in an entire season! People had to be evacuated and roads were closed, leaving the town completely isolated from the rest of the world. I’m not willing to bet on it, but I’m sure the people from the Happy Planet Index did not go all the way down there to ask how things were doing. Just saying.

• This week, in sports that I hate: Argentine football continues to
  

  Football. I fucking hate it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  spiral down into utter chaos while I rub my hands in delight at the prospect of seeing that ignominious sport cancelled or constitutionally banned for good. Let’s read about it, shall we?

• River Plate is fucked. No, for real this time. As if last year’s relegation to the National B had not been enough, 2012 seems to be slapping fans in the face with a sledgehammer. Last Sunday, before a match between River Plate and some team named Boca Unidos that at first I thought it was Boca Juniors but then I realized it was not, two of River’s hooligan factions clashed inside the stadium, leaving one of them dead. That’s right, these guys are killing each other and they even root for the same team! The murderer was arrested today in Mendoza. So smart, these guys.

• **UPDATE** The internet peoples have kindly pointed out that, contrary to what the local media initially said, the stab victim was  actually not a member of a hooligan faction. He was just a fan. Now, since I usually don’t give a shit about football I would have let it slide, but in this case we’re talking about someone’s death and this information had to be corrected.

• As rumors that the River Plate stadium could be shut down due to the murder were abound, a new controversy exploded this week after a player from the ignotus (at least for me) team Patronato de Paraná or something like that casually dropped during a press conference that River Plate authorities had offered them “incentives” (i.e. bribes) to win a match against Rosario Central for some reason. The nationwide outrage was immediate and now, if the accusations are proven true, River Plate could be facing a 4-month to 2-year suspension from all football activities. Oh, come on guys. That wouldn’t be so bad! I mean, there’s always tennis.

• A game between Gimnasia de la Plata and Ferro had to be suspended after someone, who I swear to God was not me but totally could have been, called in a bomb threat.

• Yeah, sorry. No Wikipedia links to Gimnasia de la Plata or Ferro. Oh, they do exist. I just didn’t care to do it.

• Diego Maradona, whose opinion for some reason that escapes logic still matters, felt compelled to intervene in Argentina’s favorite pastime: insulting Lionel Messi.  ”If people here keep making his life miserable here, Messi is going to stay there (Spain) and never come back to Argentina,” he said. Haha! Maradona, you silly. What makes you think he ever wants to come back in the first place? You’re funny. You’re a funny guy. Why don’t you go back to winning trophies instead of talking about stuff no one cares about? Oh, that’s right.

• Last but not least: remember a couple of weeks ago when Frankenstein led a hooligan protest against the head of the Independiente club after he launched his own personal crusade to diminish the power of those deranged football fanatics? Well, he’s back! And this time, the man who goes by the non-threatening sobriquet “Bebote” (Big baby), may not be wearing a Frankenstein mask, but chose an equally intimidating fashion item: the pibe chorro hoodie. Not only that, he tried to face the bellwether president of the club, Javier Cantero, outside his club at night while the TV cameras were rolling. The result is scary and hilarious at the same time.

• So here I am, cigar in one hand, glass of port in the other, as I watch the world of Argentine football collapse upon its own gravity, like a decadent black hole struggling to survive its unavoidable fate while ravaging everything on its path. And I couldn’t be more ecstatic.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Winter again!

And Friday too, but mostly winter!

Holy shit, you guys.

Have you all been freezing your asses or is it just me? Damn! This week we had a major temperature drop and we all woke up on Tuesday to realize we had been teleported to the South Pole.

For three straight days we had to put up with the whiners that complained about the lack of snow and who later started freaking out about the mild sleet that was dousing the city.

And no, just because it snows it doesn’t mean that “Buenos Aires is just like New York.” Shut up already.

And remember that if you see anyone sleeping on the street on these cold winter nights, you can always dial 108 (write it down!!) and let the City Government know where they are. They will pick them up and take them to a shelter to protect them from the polar wave.

There. Now that I’ve helped you become a better person, and that you have liked the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, this is what you need to know:

• 

  Downtown Buenos Aires this week. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Oh man, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is pissed. After last week – as I explained here – it became public that the queen of all-things-populist had over 3 million dollars in savings, even though her administration was urging everyone to start saving in pesos, she decided to give a press conference to announce her decision to “pesify” her savings (meaning, to convert them to pesos). You see people? She’s just like us. Except for the part the she has three million dollars and she’s President, but when it comes to everything else, she’s just like us. Let’s love her!

• Score one for the political opposition! Remember last week when I told you about Daniel Reposo? No? OK. He was the guy who was supposed to become the nation’s procurator-general and had submitted his typo-plagued résumé to the Senate so they could evaluate his credentials? Ah, see? I knew you would remember. Well it turns out there were much more “typos” involved, and after being grilled in the Senate for over 10 hours on Wednesday and responding to the opposition’s accusations with lukewarm rebukes at best, he finally freaked out and last night decided to withdraw his nomination. Reposo announced his decision in a series of letters that he sent to the President, to Vice-President Amado Boudou, to the UCR and the Victory Front parties. Surprisingly, there were no typos involved this time.

• [UPDATE] Sorry everyone! I appear to have spoken too soon, since as readers have kindly pointed out, his letters were riddled with typos. Real typos this time! He wrote “haber” like “aber” and mistook Clarín’s CEO Hector Magnetto with this guy from the X-Men. Thanks for the heads up, Internet people!

• Did you go to the big old Cacerolazo in Plaza de Mayo yesterday? I found it to be a lot less exciting than I though it would be, honestly. And if you went by some picturesque characters, it looked a little too much like a franchise of  the Tea Party movement. There was the guy wrapped in dollars, the guy saying that Argentina was turning into the Soviet Union, and the ladies banging their safety deposit boxes. Aside from that, there were others who legitimately protested some of the Government’s biggest flaws, like inflation, corruption and a growing insecurity. But you know how it is: if nothing is set on fire, then there’s nothing to see here, people.

• And no, you freaks. Twitter did not censor the #Cacerolazo trending topic. The simple explanation is that once a TT (in this case, “#Cacerolazo”) peaks, it will not show up again in order to make room for new TTs. In other words, they favor novelty over popularity. If you want to blame someone for this, don’t blame the Government, blame the Justin Bieber fans (like, for real).

• Also, I’m not one to join the Government’s crusade against Clarín, but lying by omission is also lying. Oh, and in this case the state news agency Telam may be right, but don’t worry, they do it too.

• Oh and also, do you want to take part in a cacerolazo but fear that holding a couple of frying pans over your head may betray your debonair, cool-looking exterior? There’s an app for that.

• So while the country is in tatters, what was the political leader of the opposition, our Lord Savior and future presidential candidate Mayor Mauricio Macri doing? Oh, he was busy playing guitar with the mayor of Lisbon, celebrating that Rock in Rio 2013 will take place in Buenos Aires and most definitely not in Rio, like its confusing name falsely advertises. The Mayor also announced that the music festival will take place in the abandoned – and quite possibly haunted – Parque de la Ciudad, in the distant neighborhood of Villa Soldati. Which means you will have no choice but to visit the so-called “uncharted territory” (i.e. anything below Rivadavia Av.) not once but twice next year (the second time being when you go to Creamfields, you pill-popping douchebags).

• As the 30th anniversary of the end of the Malvinas/Falklands War approaches (which means that, yes, once again we’re gonna have to put up with Cristina’s faux-motional speeches and David Cameron‘s preponderance of fear mongering exposition for a couple of weeks) the Government has announced that the five British oil companies carrying on exploration projects on the surroundings of the Malvinas/Falklands Islands are doing so “illegitimately,” in case you didn’t hear them the last two million times they said it.

• Meanwhile, in London: the British Government has accused Argentina of utilizing its “position in the world” to damage the islands’ economy, in case you didn’t hear them the last two million times they said it.

• Ah, here’s some progress! While attending an OAS General Assembly in Bolivia, dangerously insane Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman once again said the islands belonged to Argentina and urged the UK to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... But then I woke up and was happy to see that after his stern speech, he approached the British representative in the assembly, Fiona Clouder, and both were seen laughing and sharing an honest moment of camaraderie. Now this can only mean two things: A) That despite having a name that sounds like someone you would find in a Harry Potter novel, Ms. Clouder is a treacherous, ruthless double agent working with Argentina to bring the British Empire to its knees, or B) This whole bilateral conflict is just a ruse perpetrated by two nations desperately looking to stir up the masses and boost sentiments of nationalism in order to conceal an impending decline in widespread political support. In order to keep my sanity, I will go with the “double agent” version.

• Now here’s something you’ll find interesting: in its monstrous efforts to de-dollarize the economy, the National Government is drafting a bill that looks to make mandatory that all property-related transactions (rent/buy/sell) are carried out in Argentine pesos. If the bill is passed, you know what that means? That your landlord will no longer be able to charge you $1500 dollars for your shitty studio apartment in Palermo. Now it will have to be in pesos. It will still be ridiculously expensive, but in pesos. Hurray!

• Also, I’m sure your landlord will find a way to keep ripping you off every month. Sorry, I had to say that.

• By the way, this week in Fashion: Perfil‘s lady-oriented section “Rouge” has a great piece on how the hipster look has become “a thing.” Too bad the article is ten years too late, but here’s a golden star for the effort.

• Oh look! It also has a piece on how to “look preppy“, in case you haven’t been to Punta del Este in the last 150 years! Bookmark this one ladies, I have a feeling we’re going to be hearing a lot more from it!

• And speaking of fashion victims, remember how thieves used to break into designer stores to get into the cash register and steal all that money? Well, not anymore! It’s 2012, people. What guys want now are dresses. Lots and lots of dresses! At least that’s what it looks like if we go by this security footage from a store in Belgrano that was broken into at 2 am this week by two guys. Hey, not that I’m judging. You’re welcome to wear anything you want in my book as long as you’re comfortable with it. It’s the stealing part I’m not so crazy about.

• Finally! After years of neglectfulness and heartbreaking snubs, Sony Computer Entertainment announced this week that the much coveted PlayStation Network (you know, the one that got hacked last year and exposed the credit card information of millions of users) will arrive in Argentina in 2013. Not to rain on your parade, Sony Computer Entertainment, but the Wii U is coming out by the end of the year and you know the Argentines, they are like insatiable neophiles when it comes to technology. Better luck next time, you guys! And maybe don’t wait six long fucking years to acknowledge Latin America’s existence, you pricks.

• If you have a Claro line, be aware that you’ll get a $10 pesos discount next month. I’m not exactly sure what they did this time, but it probably involved stealing from you, so the government is spanking them in the ass again. Whatever. Now you know.

•  OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Try not to hyperventilate but feast your eyes on this, people! The official “Dancing With the Stars 2012” promotional photo has finally been released! I know the show’s premiere is still three days away but this will soothe our anxiety and help us make it through the weekend. Highlights this season, which will allegedly focus more on equality and less on tits and ass, include a one-legged dancer and a girl with down syndrome, a move that I personally applaud. The rest of the cast is made up of hookers and goldiggers as usual.

• Popular Latin pop singer Estela Raval passed away at 77 this week after a long battle with cancer. Don’t worry, you didn’t know who she was so you don’t need to mourn her. In the unlikely case you want to know who she was, here’s a link to her performance on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1967. Or something like that.

• You didn’t click on that did you? That’s OK, I’m not judging.

•  As the National Football Team arrived in New Jersey (US) for some game
  

  "Some chick who died," according to you. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  I’m not even gonna bother looking up what it’s about, the Argentine media was outraged – OUTRAGED! – that Americans were oblivious to the fact that Jesus 2.0 (A.K.A. Lionel Messi) was walking among them. Apparently for some reason that I will also not look up, Argentine San Antonio Spurs’ superstar Manu Ginobili stole Messi’s thunder. And since in the US football (or “the soccer”) is only played by little girls and tiger moms, nobody gave a shit. Hey! New Jersey sounds like my kind of place! Let me know when the entire cast of The Jersey Shore is dead, I may consider moving up there.

• As the football boys aimlessly toured the evil mecca of capitalism unnoticed, marveling at the alluring siren song of mass consumption and cotton candy, somewhat popular footballer Sergio “Kun” Aguero went on a shopping spree and purchased an Iron Man doll ”for his son.” Right.

• Oh, I’m sorry! You don’t think that was newsworthy? Well, look at you all nose up in the air, pompously wagging your finger at me, as if you were some kind of respectable journalist. Sorry to have to tell you this people, but Clarín, La Nación, Minuto Uno, Fox Sports and Radio Continental all beg to differ. And those, my friends, are serious news outlets offering relevant need-to-know information on a daily basis. What did you do today? Yeah. Didn’t think so.

• Last but not least: last weekend Argentina beat Ecuador 4-0 during a World Cup 2014 qualifier and the entire country was hysterical, over-celebrating and overreacting after every goal. And I say “overreacting” because I know you know this was a shitty game and that Ecuador didn’t really stand a chance, but you still pretended to be extremely excited and yelled like you just won the lottery. Yes. You should know that every time I see you jump off your chair screaming “GOAL!” during a game that really doesn’t make a difference, I am quietly judging you.

• Fuck football.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono