It’s February again!

And yes, I know.

Last Friday was technically already February but it was only the first day of the month and the shit had not had time to hit the fan yet.

But it only took two days for all that bottled up anger that had been incubating inside our humanly vessels during our month-long relaxation to come out in full force, forcing us to vomit a stream of curse words along with some sighing and grunting because that’s the only way to get rid of all of the anxiety. Like Linda Blair on The Exorcist, only she was possessed by Satan.

So let’s get to it before we lose our minds in Gualeguaychu this extra-long weekend. Oh, you didn’t know? It’s Carnival weekend! The only time of the year in which it is socially acceptable in this macho culture to dance and maybe make out with a scantily clad transvestite while riding a float. OK?

This is what you need to know:

• 

  “Fuck you all.” – Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Shit just got real! If you thought President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was not going to move forward with an agreement between Argentina and Iran you were obviously wrong. In a rare move that had only been seen thrice since she took office in 2007, Cristina spoke on Cadena Nacional from  her presidential desk. No chants, no crazy fans, no sycophancy coming from a servile cabinet. Nope. Just you and her, all to yourselves. It was almost like being on a date with her. You know, like when you go on a date and this girl talks, and talks, and talks while you’re going “Hmm-hmm” and nodding off? That’s what it felt like. Proxemics also played a crucial role in her message, since she seemed to be a little too close for comfort (your comfort). Anyway, her 40-minute message was to say something she could have said in 30 seconds or less: “We are sending the agreement between Argentina and Iran to Congress so lawmakers can debate whether it should be passed or not”. See? That was easy. But no, she had to go host a full episode of the Cadena, with a preponderance of exposition, political drama, plot twists and even a short recap of past episodes. “Previously on ‘Iran So Far Away‘”…

• If you’re still wondering why Argentina is making deals with Iran then A) You suck, and B) This is why. 85 people dead.

• If you are not wondering because you already know, you are a sport and I’m proud of you.

• The Jewish community in Argentina (which is huge – HUGE! So huge that crazy conspiracy theorists love to warn about the so-called Andinia Plan from time to time) is not happy with this agreement. The AMIA and the DAIA (the two largest Jewish organizations in Argentina) have both rejected the accord, saying Iran is not to be trusted. But Cristina says that “we’re always busting the UK’s balls* about discussing the Malvinas, so if Iran wants to talk to us, we can’t refuse”.

• Oh and speaking of which… Foreign Minister and gladiator badass Héctor Timerman ultimately decided to prove that he ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts and flew to London to battle William Hague to the death in a jousting match to meet with some random people that would support the Malvinas sovereignty cause. Since he refused to a tri-party meeting with William Hague and the Malvinas islanders (hereinafter referred to as “The Others“), Timerman went on a tirade before the British press making some bold statements, which I will hilariously describe as follows (please cue the music from Lost to make them more ominous):

• “The United Kingdom has never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity to find a solution for the Malvinas”.

• “I don’t think it will take another 20 years (to take back the islands). I think that the world is going through a process of understanding more and more that this is a colonial issue, an issue of colonialism, and that the people living there were transferred to the islands”.

• “The interests of the existing islanders will be protected under Argentinian rule, including their way of life, their language and right to remain British citizens”.

• “There’s a distinction between the islanders’ interests, which could be met, and their wishes, which could not”.

• OK, that wasn’t hilarious at all. But this is: The Others weren’t very appreciative of Timerman’s “20 years” statement. So they took their rage to Twitter by assuring that “Argentina has a batter chance of having their flag on the Moon in 20 years than here in Stanley“.

• Also, here are some treacherous Argentines who decided to express their support for The Others via Twitter: this guy, this guy, this guy and this guy. The AFIP has already been notified and they are being Shanghaied as we speak.

• And speaking of tweets written in poor English, Cristina celebrated this week that the US continues it’s unilateral war against Capitalism and now has decided to sue poor old Standard & Poor‘s. Seriously, generic name much? Just add “average” and you’ve got the trifecta of depressing. Since Cristina is not very fond of credit rating agencies, she celebrated Obama’s decision by sprinkling her Spanish tweets with some English and started warning about  how these vulturian organizations have pillaged citizens all over the world. Which she, or quite possibly Google Translate, translated as “in the whole world”, totally not making any sense. Felicitations, Mrs. President!

• Meanwhile, in Palermo… Mayor Mauricio Macri was having this cabinet meeting.

• Please tell me you clicked on that. PLEASE.

• In repugnant news this week: two parents channel their inner Sherlock Holmes and discover that the child day care center they have been sending their daughter to is like the Disney World version of Guantanamo! After noticing a surprising change in her daughter’s behavior (for the worse), the parents hid an iPod with the voice recorder on in her backpack one day and dropped her off at school. The result was terrifying: physical, verbal and mental abuse for four hours straight everyday, with the teachers calling them names, force-feeding them and even soft-waterboarding them. Here’s the recording, for your listening displeasure. The place has now been closed and politicians keep blaming each other for not noticing that such an abomination had been going unnoticed for many years. Not funny.

• Enfant terrible and Deputy Economy Minister Axel Kicillof was coming back from Colonia with his family last Sunday when suddenly he realized that taking the Buquebus ferry, along with a lot of dollar-impaired middle-class families, may not have been the brightest of ideas. But alas! By the time he realized, they were already sailing half-way through the Rio de la Plata. The passengers could smell his fear, manifesting in the shape of sweat drops sliding down his long hairy sideburns. Before Kicillof had a chance to pull out his semi-automatic weapon, a horde of dollar-hungry zombies jumped on top of him, seeking retribution for his controversial economic policies. As Kicillof wielded his machete through the rotting corpses, the crew showed up with a flamethrower and grabbed his hand. They led him to sanctuary in the captain’s cabin, where he would remain until reaching port. After being rescued, Kicillof observed the orange sky, marveled by the beauty of a sunset he had looked at a thousand times, but he had never seen. The End.

• OK, no. So in reality some passengers started yelling at him and he, along with his family, was taken to the captain’s cabin so the mob wouldn’t spit on him or something. There were no zombies involved.

• Vice-President Amado Boudou was also booed while giving a speech in Santa Fe. I had this whole fictional story created to rival the one I just told about Kicillof but I guess I’m tired, so screw it.

• OUTRAGE! Those Chilean bastards are at it again! Not only they helped
  

  That’s probably the face Kicillof had when he realized he was surrounded by unfriendlies. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  The Others during the Malvinas War in 1982, but now their soldiers train by chanting xenophobic tunes that involve killing Argentines! Preposterous! Offensive! Unacceptable! The scandal prompted the Chilean authorities to immediately condemn such a disrespectful move by our kindred brothers and order an investigation. Even the local authorities urged the neighboring country to take action because singing about killing your neighbor isn’t funny. Horrible, Chileans. We are very disappointed in you!

• What’s that? A new video has surfaced, showing Argentines training in Mendoza and singing about  breaking into the Chileans’ homes and slitting their throats and drinking their blood? Well, I don’t approve of the controversial methods but you started it. So take that, Chileans!

• What’s that? The Argentine video is from six months ago and has already been deleted because it made us look like idiots since we are the ones who started the whole thing? Oh. I see. Well, you know math: -1 + 1 = 0. Which means the controversy gets cancelled. Yay! So… we’re cool, Chileans? Wanna bump fists? No? OK, we don’t need to bum fists.

• In yet additional proof that Econo-mageddon (TM) is right around the corner, the Government decided to force ask supermarkets to freeze prices for two months in order to fight a rampant inflation.  Remind me again why you stay in this country? Oh, the black market dollar currency exchange rate that is slowly turning you into precocious millionaires. That’s right.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

* Not actual quote. I totally made that up.

Argentina is adding another notch to its expropriation belt, this time with money printing.

Following a quick series of debates and decision-making in Congress, the Argentine state became the brand new owner of the Compañía de Valores Sudamericana (CVS), formerly Ciccone Calcográfica. The acquirement of this mint puts the responsibility of peso printing in the hands of the government, declaring minting to be a matter of national interest.

“The state considers recovering the capacity to print the nation’s money to be of prime importance,” said the governmental document released upon announcement of the expropriation plan.

Congress debated taking over Compañía de Valores Sudamericana (CVS) (Photo: Pedro-Ignacio-Guridi)

The law appears at a time when vice-president Amado Boudou is in the spotlight for a scandal involving the ex-Ciccone. A federal judge is investigating Boudou for allegedly helping the company out of bankruptcy last year. Influence peddling, illegal enrichment, tax evasion, and money laundering are at the forefront of the accusations.

The timeliness of the expropriation has opposition outraged, saying the nationalisation of the mint is only a means of protecting Boudou. Meanwhile, the government is in a race against inflation.

The Bill, and a Story

On the 7th August, Minister of Economy Hernán Lorenzino and head of the CVS mint, Katya Daura, led a 60-day intervention of CVS, simultaneously announcing a bill to expropriate the company.

The expropriation makes CVS, which prints sensitive material such as bank notes, the second money printing company owned by Argentina. La Casa de Moneda prints peso notes, passports, stamps and official forms.

Lorenzino said the intervention was meant to “protect workers’ rights” as well as to keep the company going. He added that the government’s intervention of the company will “ensure the sovereignty of the state in the production of security papers”.

The bill entered its first day of debate in the Congress on 8^th August. Just ten days later, following a debate presided over by Boudou in his role as president of the Senate, the upper house passed the bill with a vote of 44-20. A week later, on Wednesday 22th August, the bill was passed into law by the Chamber of Deputies, by 145 votes against 77.

Frente para la Victoria (FPV) Senator Aníbal Fernández said that 'is to recuperate sovereignty in the printing of legal tender.' (Photo: Santiago Trusso)

Frente para la Victoria (FPV) Senator Aníbal Fernández spoke about the government’s purpose of expropriating CVS, saying it “is to recuperate sovereignty in the printing of legal tender.”

And now, full ownership of CVS will be handed over to the Argentine state, in turn cancelling the company’s tax debts, recovering its property, and converting the company’s employees to government workers.

Employees will retain labour rights, union affiliation, and their collective bargaining agreement.

The price to be paid for CVS will be decided, as in previous instances, by a valuation tribunal. However, the plan is to take into account the $250m in debt owed to tax agency AFIP. Because the amount is higher than the value of CVS’s assets, Lorenzino said he expects the expropriation will not cost the state any money.

According to the expropriation law, Lorenzino and Daura will be in charge of the mint. The two are known to be close allies of Boudou, raising potential complications and questions about the Boudou investigation’s overlap with the expropriation.

Judicial sources told local newspaper Infobae that the expropriation will not affect the investigation of Boudou and others.

The issue of Boudou’s alleged involvement with the company featured prominently in the parliamentary debate. Swaying from the opposition, senator Luis Juez, member of the Frente Amplio Progresista (FAP), voted in favour of the bill, saying, “there is no reason why the prosecutors and judges cannot get to the bottom of the matter.”

FAP submitted a similar expropriation bill in April, as did the Union Civica Radical, both of which voted against the expropriation in Congress.

Opposition has been resonant in recent weeks, with dissident Peronist deputy Eduardo Amadeo saying, “the measure shows its need to cover up a million-dollar case of corruption.”

Deputy Patricia Bullrich of the Unión por Todos party, believes the seizure of CVS is meant to protect Boudou.

“Because Boudou bought the company through figureheads (people who conceal these kinds of purchases by government officials) and today this purchase is so evident, that the government can’t find a way to continue covering the scandal. It wants to do it by purchasing silence,” she said in an interview with the Argentina Independent.

Santiago Drangosch, a member of the Partido Liberal Libertario, says the situation is like “a script for a movie.”

Drangosch, who is against the expropriation, saying it goes against property rights and the constitution, questions what will happen with the debts Ciccone owes, and believes this decision is the “final destruction of all that’s institutional”.

The Case

In a case nicknamed by the press as ‘Boudougate‘, vice-president Boudou found himself in a financial scandal with ties to shell company The Old Fund and the ex-Ciccone press.

‘Boudougate‘, vice-president Boudou found himself in a financial scandal with ties to shell company The Old Fund and the ex-Ciccone press. (Photo: Itupictures)

According to a timeline report in La Nación newspaper, in July of 2010, a judge requested Ciccone’s bankruptcy following the company’s severe debt. In September 2010, The Old Fund gave the company $2.3m to rise out of bankruptcy. In turn, The Old Fund’s president, Alejandro Vandenbroele, became president of the ex-Ciccone.

The scandal came to light this February when Vandenbroele’s ex-wife told the press that Boudou was part-owner of CVS. Boudou denied associations with or knowledge of Vandenbroele, though it was later found out that Vandenbroele had paid some bills at an apartment of Boudou’s in Puerto Madero, leading to suspicions that Vandenbroele was living there.

As evidence and information began to leak, more instances of a monetary relationship between Boudou and The Old Fund began to reveal themselves. In 2010, The Old Fund supposedly paid for several trips for Boudou’s friends, including a trip to the World Cup in South Africa for Boudou’s friend and Vandenbroele’s business partner, Jose María Núñez Carmonia, and a trip to the United States for Boudou’s brother.

When Boudou joined Cristina Fernández de Kirchner as vice-presidential candidate in the election race, their party, FPV, allegedly paid $1.9m to CVS to print primary election ballots, and $2.9m for the presidential election ballots in October.

A written report presented by prosecutor Jorge Di Lello accuses the vice-president of a “vertiginous and unjustified increase in personal wealth,” while Boudou was economy minister from July 2009 to December 2011.

President Fernández has not made any comments regarding the matter, and has stood by her cabinet.

In the bill to declare the company “of public interest and subject to expropriation,” the government did not mention the scandal, or open files in business and criminal justice.

Boudou denies allegations saying he is the victim of a “media and judicial conspiracy.”

Money in Argentina

Until recently, Argentina’s state-owned mint, Casa de la Moneda, administered by the Ministry of Economy, was solely in charge of printing Argentina’s paper money.

One of the badly printed 100 peso notes from Brazil (Photo: nachoherrera)

In November 2010, following a rising inflation that unofficial sources placed at 25% annually, and an inability to keep up with the demand for pesos, Argentina sought temporary help from Brazil’s Casa da Moeda mint. The company printed 130 million $100 notes, and another three billion $100 notes the following January. This was the first time Argentina sought help from Brazil in regards to money printing.

Despite the scandal surrounding CVS and Boudou, the Central Bank of Argentina went ahead in March with contracting CVS to print money. The first CVS-produced bank notes were released this May.

Though the possibility of printing $200 bills has been presented, President Fernández and the government have refused to print bills of a higher denomination. Critics say it is because there is a denial of inflation, and a fear of soaring prices reminiscent of past hyper-inflations.

“It’s because of inflation that people require more bills,” says Maximiliano Castillo, who is the director of economic research company ACM in Buenos Aires. “The government doesn’t want to print bills of higher denomination.”

Supporters of the new law believe the government makes a valid point with the expropriation. Senator Fernández said control of the printing is something “the state should have never given away.”

Instead of Argentina now working with both a state-owned and a private company, it is expected that the Casa de la Moneda will absorb CVS and its resources, resulting in one state-owned mint to cover all of the country’s currency printing needs.

Across the world, countries have various means of currency production, some relying on state-owned companies, others on private companies, and yet others on a mix of both.

Australia’s state-owned Note Printing Company prints the country’s own polymer banknotes, as well as some banknotes for countries like Chile. Meanwhile, in Canada, two private companies — BA International Inc and Canadian Bank Note Company — produce bank notes, and the state-owned Royal Canadian Mint produces coins. In the United Kingdom, the Bank of England plus seven retail banks are capable of printing banknotes.

Bullrich speaks to the opposition’s standpoint saying, “The state already has a company to make money, why would it need two? I see nothing positive in buying a company to perform a function that is already met by another company.”

Meanwhile, Senator Fernández said, the purpose of the expropriation was to “avoid that business that should be handled by Argentines, be handled by others.”

What do Argentines think about the expropriation of CVS? Click here to find out.

Yesterday, Congress passed a bill to nationalise currency printing company Compañía de Valores Sudamericana. According to the government, the printing of money should be the responsibility of the state. However vicepresident Amado Boudou is currently mired in a scandal with the company formerly known as Ciccone, prompting many to doubt the motives behind the decision.

We took to the streets to ask what the Buenos Aires public think about the controversial bill.

Portraits by Felipe de la Fuente.

Guillermo Godoy, 56, agricultural expert, Bragado

There are two main reasons I’m against the expropriation. First, we need to recognise the corruption of the government in relation to inflation which is increasing every month and galloping out of control. We need to understand what’s happening with inflation are recognise that there are problems and that we can’t rely on the mint to print money as is necessary.

Second, there is the issue of the corruption of Boudou which we saw yesterday in the national congress in the Senate. This was a situation which proved the hypocrisy of the government – it seems unbelievable that Boudou presided over a session about the expropriation of a company which he is thought to be guilty of having corrupt links to.

Maria Pecaldi, 61, retired, Saavedra

The Ciccone issue is another example of scheming behaviour from this government at an infamous level and has been done to disguise bigger scandals within the government. The only role that we as the public can play in this, the only thing we can do is to think carefully about how to vote in the future, it’s the only power we have here.

The Boudou scandal is yet another thing, I don’t think much else could surprise us in relation to him now. Unfortunately we are getting too familiar, and this is the worst thing, to the fact that everything is a mess. Look wherever, health, education, trains. Instead of increasing things we are cutting them. It all makes me very angry.

Fabián Acevedo, 46, architect, Zona Norte

I think that this is all very strange. It gives me the impression that things are being covered up, that this is an effort to hide something else that is happening behind the scenes. This is a political move to cover up the scandal with the economy minister Amandou Boudou.

I don’t think that the state should be taking control of a company which has had very shady links with the economy minister. I trust private companies a lot more to handle the printing of our money. I don’t think this is a good thing at all.

Christian Dojosoba, 26, anthropologist, San Telmo

Politics is all very complicated, particularly this. It’s difficult to know whether it’s a good or bad thing. In general completely agree with the principle of the state taking control of its own industries. It seems right to me that the national government should manage the printing of its own money. It shouldn’t be the responsibility of private companies.

I was in favour of the nationalisatoin of YPF. I think all countries should be able to manage their own resources and I thought that was a good thing. Though the situation here is a bit different. There are all the issues with Boudou and I’m not sure what I think about that scandal.

Cristina Uranoa, 43, music teacher, Microcentro

I think that this has been done to cover other things. It isn’t clean and it isn’t transparent. I don’t think the printing should be in the hands of the state. Maybe if it was done in a clean and transparent way and if it was handled well then yes, but this isn’t good. It seems very suspicious. It’s not that I think private companies should be trusted more in general but in this case I don’t think the government should have control.

It’s Friday again!

And today is of course a very special day for all of us!

No, I’m not talking about today being another holiday to commemorate the death of Argentina’s forefather José de San Martín (which, by the way, was moved to Monday to make it a long weekend for some reason. Wouldn’t Friday be the same thing?).

No, the reason is that this column is turning two years old this week!

It was almost two years ago that out of a drunken epiphany I decided to create a weekly summary of Argentine news for the average (i.e. lazy) expats who took pride in claiming that they didn’t care who the president of this country was.

Hence the first Weekly News Roundup (seen here) was born on a cold, rainy morning of August 20th, 2010.

It was a short, unfunny, half-assed attempt at writing something different that only got two comments, one of them from a friend of mine (meaning it doesn’t count) and the other from some guy who congratulated me for being “very optimist” (I assume he meant optimistic). And look! I hadn’t even adopted the name “Bono” as my nom de plume!

But despite the public’s intentional indifference I persisted because I pretty much had nothing better to do with my life, and a few years, a lot of practice and a lot of hate mail later, this column evolved naturally into the beautiful, stylistic piece of shit prose that it is today.

So even though it’s only 9 AM, I raise my glass and salute you, my loyal readers/detractors who week after week come to this column to laugh/become infected with rage.

This is only the beginning.

And remember to like our Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can keep up with the coming changes.

Oh! And I almost forgot: I’m going away on vacation this weekend so don’t expect a Weekly News Roundup next Friday.

I know, scary right? It’s like when you were little and you lost your mom in the amusement park. You knew she would come back eventually because it’s a closed environment, but in the meantime it was up to you to survive.

Well, that’s you next week. Make me proud.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Three weeks ago no one gave a shit about Taekwondo. Some guy winds a gold medal. Now everyone's a fan. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández  de Kirchner, who never lets a photo op go to waste, welcomed in Casa Rosada the Argentine athletes who competed in the London 2012 Olympics and, flanked by new national hero and only gold winner Sebastián Crismanich, boasted that since the Kirchners took over in 2003 Argentina has won a total of 16 medals. Sure, when you say it like that you naturally go “That’s it?”, but considering that in the 44 years before the country had only obtained fourteen, she was proud to congratulate those that with perseverance, honor, courage and self-confidence had brought joy to their nation.

• Then of course she fucked it all up by applauding the women’s national field hockey team for kicking the UK’s ass in the Olympics. “When you defeated England, it was like winning a gold medal. It’s a good thing you won! Otherwise I would have been so upset!” she laughed. Hah! Nothing like some healthy incitement to xenophobia in the hands of a charismatic leader. I can’t wait to see what she has in store for Rio 2016.

• Everyone’s favorite mischievous Vice-President Amado Boudou had the dubious honor of being included in a list of trouble-making veeps from around the world published this week on Foreign Policy. Along with Boudou are four other VP superstars, including Sierra Leone’s Samuel Sam-Sumana and Sudan’s Ali Osman Taha. It’s like the international affairs version of The Breakfast Club, in which Boudou is obviously Emilio Estevez and Sam-Sumana is a machete-wielding Judd Nelson. I don’t know about you but I would totally pay to go see that.

•  Now, I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about what was probably the biggest story of the week, involving the Indec national statistics agency and their infamous report saying that you can eat with only $6 pesos a day. Even though most of the media coverage surrounding that story was not entirely accurate, everyone knows their inflation index is nothing short of a joke.  So the Argentine chapter of the hacktivist group Anonymous, obviously not amused but such a blatant display of disregard for the public’s intelligence, decided that it was fair game to hack the Indec’s website, just for shits and giggles.

•  After the most nightmarish and paralyzing week to have ever been experienced in Buenos Aires since the Toddy cookies disappeared from the shelves, the subway workers came to a “feeble” agreement with the City Government and Metrovías after ten days of strike. The most important part of this paragraph is the word “feeble,” since it means chances are we’ll be dealing with another strike in just a couple of weeks.

•  As further evidence that this is a ticking time bomb of unfathomable proportions, the City government has announced that five new subway stations have been finished but cannot be opened to the public because there aren’t enough trains.

• Jesus, just shut down the whole thing and leave it there. Don’t you watch scary movies? Worst case scenario, it becomes a hideout for comic book villains and mutant creatures  that feed on homeless people. At $2.50 a ride that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

• Now that the Olympics are over and Argentine athletes don’t have to worry about being deported from England before obtaining any medals, we can all go back to the usual bickering about the Malvinas/Falklands. Newspapers around the country were horrified over the impending arrival of a warship to the islands this week that they themselves announced only a few months ago and now seemed to have completely forgotten about it.

• And because one Malvinas/Falklands-related scandal a week is obviously not enough, the local media decided to run a shocking non-story accusing the Uruguayans of referring to the islands as “Falklands” instead of “Malvinas,” as any respectable non-imperialist Latin nation would do. The preposterous and offensive error was found in some random document no one gives a shit about and was clearly the result of an hungover intern, but that did’t stop the local press from pretty much accusing the Uruguayans of treason. Fortunately President José Mujíca apologized in time before both nations broke relations and announced he would launch “an official investigation”. No, he did. Like, for real.

• Awesome news, everyone! Finally here’s something you can show your parents so they can shut up about how you’re throwing your life away in some South American city that is slowly spinning into the boiling rivers of the Underworld. According to prestigious magazine “The Economist,” Buenos Aires has been picked as Latin America’s best city to live in. In your face, Brazilian Buenos Aires!

• And those of you who complained about the current state of things in this country and moved to Uruguay, you can stay there. We don’t want you back.

• The Córdoba province, not content with trying to expel all prostitutes from its sovereign territory a few weeks ago, is now openly warning that if you have an “amputated penis” you cannot join the police force. That’s right, transsexuals! If you wanna be a cop you gotta take it like a man. That means: have a penis. The new regulation also rejects people who are missing one finger, have diabetes or a stutter. Keep making everyone proud, Córdoba! I can’t wait for you to outlaw divorce and reinstate the use of leeches for curing cancer.

• And speaking of fucked up provinces, remember Salta? You can now add this to the list of weird crimes taking place there. Seriously that place needs its own special CSI unit. Just stay away from it.

• Ready to be enraged? Here’s a domestic violence video that was all over the news and went viral this week showing a coward asshole beating his ex-wife in front of their daughter.

• Ready to be enraged even more? His only punishment is to stay away from the woman for 90 days.

• As more cases like these continue to surface, at least one political party has reacted in some sort of way and called for Congress to  declare a national emergency on gender violence, since according to a new report cases have increased a 57% in the last two years.

• OK, this is the part you don’t want your parents to know about. Just stick to the article on The Economist and you’ll be fine.

• This week, in Completely Unnecessary Displays of Self-confidence:
  

  You will never look at Delacroix's painting the same way after being exposed to Moria Casán's intoxicating photographs. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  former erotica star and current wrinkled grandmother Moria Casán wants you to know that she is not losing any sleep over accusations that she stole an $80,000 necklace from a Paraguayan jeweler. So she agreed to a racy and gag-inducing photo shoot for Noticias magazine, in which she impersonates Lady Liberty herself, spear in hand and Phrygian cap on wig. The photos are NSFW but don’t worry, the worst parts are censored, praise Jesus. Just make sure you don’t click on that link with the lights off.

• Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

• Agh, who am I kidding. I wasn’t even gonna go.

• And regarding football: it’s been awfully quiet lately. It’s almost as if such dead calm is announcing a coming storm that will explode in a ravaging sea of fire and fury, destroying everything in its path until no living thing is left standing. The hooligans are silent, the players aren’t engaging in prostitution scandals and the sports commentators are surprisingly accurate during the games. So since there’s nothing interesting to tell, here’s the gruesome video of a leg fracture during an Argentinos Juniors match last weekend. Enjoy!

The Senate approved last night the bill to expropriate the Compañía de Valores Sudamericana printing company (CVS, formerly known as Ciccone) for 44 votes against 20.

The company was intervened by the government on 7th August, and that same day the draft expropriation bill was submitted to Congress.

Last night’s debate in the Senate lasted for six hours and has been described by the Argentine media as “tense”. The main criticism from the opposition was towards vice-president Amado Boudou, who was present during the debate in his role as president of the Senate and who is being investigated for allegedly using his influence to favour the current owners of CVS. Opposition senators accused the government of using the expropriation to divert the attention from the judicial case.

The government managed to secure a broad majority thanks to the support of some opposition senators, such as four dissident Peronists and Luis Juez, from the Frente Amplio Progresista (FAP). Juez had submitted a similar bill in April, and despite sharing his concerns regarding the Boudou case, voted in favour of the government’s bill, as he stated that “there is no reason why the prosecutors and judges cannot get to the bottom of the matter.” The FAP’s vote was divided, as the rest of Juez’s fellow party members voted for the negative.

The Unión Cívica Radical (UCR) had also introduced a similar bill in April, however casted a negative vote last night, as well as part of the dissident Peronism and the Coalición Cívica (CC).

The Frente para la Victoria (FPV) senators defended vice-president Boudou against the accusations, and justified the expropriation by saying that the government’s intention is to bring the ability to print bank notes back to the state, something that, senator Aníbal Fernández stated, “the state should have never given away.” Fernández also mentioned that CVS has a $250m debt with tax agency AFIP, which will be taken into account when calculating the compensation the state will pay the current owners.

CVS is in charge of printing sensitive material such as bank notes. The bill approved by the upper house yesterday declares the company as a “matter of public interest and subject to expropriation.” The Chamber of Deputies will vote on it next week and, if passed, it will become law.

With 63 votes in favour and 3 against, the new prosecutor general Alejandra Gils Carbó was appointed by the Senate yesterday. It will be the first time a woman holds this position in Argentina.

The previous prosecutor general, Esteban Righi, resigned on 10th April after almost 8 years in office. His resignation came after vice-president Amado Boudou sued Righi’s law firm for allegedly offering him to “improve his relationship” with the federal justice, in the context of his implication in the ex-Ciccone case.

After Righi’s resignation, the executive put forward former head of SIGEN (the executive’s internal auditing body) Daniel Reposo as candidate for the job. However, Reposo’s nomination was resisted by the opposition due to his poor performance at a Senate hearing and irregularities in his CV. The opposition claimed that Reposo’s nomination was purely political, and that he was not up to the task. Reposo stepped down before the Senate vote, and Gils Carbó was subsequently nominated by the executive on 11th June 2012.

Gils Carbó is a lawyer, has over 18 years’ experience working within the justice system, and has been general prosecutor since 2004. She caused a mostly favourable impression in the public hearing held by the Senate last week, where her competence and independence were tested. Opposition senator Liliana Negre de Alonso, told Infobae.com that “the public hearing, where we were able to get to know the candidate, was important”. In the public hearing, “she did very well, she spoke about all the issues and left the senators satisfied [with her answers].” This won her the two-third majority vote she needed to be appointed as the head of all prosecutors.

After appointing Gils Carbó, the Senate will today meet to debate the bill to expropriate the ex-Ciccone. It is expected the Senate will pass the bill, which will be debated by the lower house next Wednesday.

It’s Winter again!

And Friday too, but mostly winter!

Holy shit, you guys.

Have you all been freezing your asses or is it just me? Damn! This week we had a major temperature drop and we all woke up on Tuesday to realize we had been teleported to the South Pole.

For three straight days we had to put up with the whiners that complained about the lack of snow and who later started freaking out about the mild sleet that was dousing the city.

And no, just because it snows it doesn’t mean that “Buenos Aires is just like New York.” Shut up already.

And remember that if you see anyone sleeping on the street on these cold winter nights, you can always dial 108 (write it down!!) and let the City Government know where they are. They will pick them up and take them to a shelter to protect them from the polar wave.

There. Now that I’ve helped you become a better person, and that you have liked the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, this is what you need to know:

• 

  Downtown Buenos Aires this week. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Oh man, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is pissed. After last week – as I explained here – it became public that the queen of all-things-populist had over 3 million dollars in savings, even though her administration was urging everyone to start saving in pesos, she decided to give a press conference to announce her decision to “pesify” her savings (meaning, to convert them to pesos). You see people? She’s just like us. Except for the part the she has three million dollars and she’s President, but when it comes to everything else, she’s just like us. Let’s love her!

• Score one for the political opposition! Remember last week when I told you about Daniel Reposo? No? OK. He was the guy who was supposed to become the nation’s procurator-general and had submitted his typo-plagued résumé to the Senate so they could evaluate his credentials? Ah, see? I knew you would remember. Well it turns out there were much more “typos” involved, and after being grilled in the Senate for over 10 hours on Wednesday and responding to the opposition’s accusations with lukewarm rebukes at best, he finally freaked out and last night decided to withdraw his nomination. Reposo announced his decision in a series of letters that he sent to the President, to Vice-President Amado Boudou, to the UCR and the Victory Front parties. Surprisingly, there were no typos involved this time.

• [UPDATE] Sorry everyone! I appear to have spoken too soon, since as readers have kindly pointed out, his letters were riddled with typos. Real typos this time! He wrote “haber” like “aber” and mistook Clarín’s CEO Hector Magnetto with this guy from the X-Men. Thanks for the heads up, Internet people!

• Did you go to the big old Cacerolazo in Plaza de Mayo yesterday? I found it to be a lot less exciting than I though it would be, honestly. And if you went by some picturesque characters, it looked a little too much like a franchise of  the Tea Party movement. There was the guy wrapped in dollars, the guy saying that Argentina was turning into the Soviet Union, and the ladies banging their safety deposit boxes. Aside from that, there were others who legitimately protested some of the Government’s biggest flaws, like inflation, corruption and a growing insecurity. But you know how it is: if nothing is set on fire, then there’s nothing to see here, people.

• And no, you freaks. Twitter did not censor the #Cacerolazo trending topic. The simple explanation is that once a TT (in this case, “#Cacerolazo”) peaks, it will not show up again in order to make room for new TTs. In other words, they favor novelty over popularity. If you want to blame someone for this, don’t blame the Government, blame the Justin Bieber fans (like, for real).

• Also, I’m not one to join the Government’s crusade against Clarín, but lying by omission is also lying. Oh, and in this case the state news agency Telam may be right, but don’t worry, they do it too.

• Oh and also, do you want to take part in a cacerolazo but fear that holding a couple of frying pans over your head may betray your debonair, cool-looking exterior? There’s an app for that.

• So while the country is in tatters, what was the political leader of the opposition, our Lord Savior and future presidential candidate Mayor Mauricio Macri doing? Oh, he was busy playing guitar with the mayor of Lisbon, celebrating that Rock in Rio 2013 will take place in Buenos Aires and most definitely not in Rio, like its confusing name falsely advertises. The Mayor also announced that the music festival will take place in the abandoned – and quite possibly haunted – Parque de la Ciudad, in the distant neighborhood of Villa Soldati. Which means you will have no choice but to visit the so-called “uncharted territory” (i.e. anything below Rivadavia Av.) not once but twice next year (the second time being when you go to Creamfields, you pill-popping douchebags).

• As the 30th anniversary of the end of the Malvinas/Falklands War approaches (which means that, yes, once again we’re gonna have to put up with Cristina’s faux-motional speeches and David Cameron‘s preponderance of fear mongering exposition for a couple of weeks) the Government has announced that the five British oil companies carrying on exploration projects on the surroundings of the Malvinas/Falklands Islands are doing so “illegitimately,” in case you didn’t hear them the last two million times they said it.

• Meanwhile, in London: the British Government has accused Argentina of utilizing its “position in the world” to damage the islands’ economy, in case you didn’t hear them the last two million times they said it.

• Ah, here’s some progress! While attending an OAS General Assembly in Bolivia, dangerously insane Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman once again said the islands belonged to Argentina and urged the UK to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... But then I woke up and was happy to see that after his stern speech, he approached the British representative in the assembly, Fiona Clouder, and both were seen laughing and sharing an honest moment of camaraderie. Now this can only mean two things: A) That despite having a name that sounds like someone you would find in a Harry Potter novel, Ms. Clouder is a treacherous, ruthless double agent working with Argentina to bring the British Empire to its knees, or B) This whole bilateral conflict is just a ruse perpetrated by two nations desperately looking to stir up the masses and boost sentiments of nationalism in order to conceal an impending decline in widespread political support. In order to keep my sanity, I will go with the “double agent” version.

• Now here’s something you’ll find interesting: in its monstrous efforts to de-dollarize the economy, the National Government is drafting a bill that looks to make mandatory that all property-related transactions (rent/buy/sell) are carried out in Argentine pesos. If the bill is passed, you know what that means? That your landlord will no longer be able to charge you $1500 dollars for your shitty studio apartment in Palermo. Now it will have to be in pesos. It will still be ridiculously expensive, but in pesos. Hurray!

• Also, I’m sure your landlord will find a way to keep ripping you off every month. Sorry, I had to say that.

• By the way, this week in Fashion: Perfil‘s lady-oriented section “Rouge” has a great piece on how the hipster look has become “a thing.” Too bad the article is ten years too late, but here’s a golden star for the effort.

• Oh look! It also has a piece on how to “look preppy“, in case you haven’t been to Punta del Este in the last 150 years! Bookmark this one ladies, I have a feeling we’re going to be hearing a lot more from it!

• And speaking of fashion victims, remember how thieves used to break into designer stores to get into the cash register and steal all that money? Well, not anymore! It’s 2012, people. What guys want now are dresses. Lots and lots of dresses! At least that’s what it looks like if we go by this security footage from a store in Belgrano that was broken into at 2 am this week by two guys. Hey, not that I’m judging. You’re welcome to wear anything you want in my book as long as you’re comfortable with it. It’s the stealing part I’m not so crazy about.

• Finally! After years of neglectfulness and heartbreaking snubs, Sony Computer Entertainment announced this week that the much coveted PlayStation Network (you know, the one that got hacked last year and exposed the credit card information of millions of users) will arrive in Argentina in 2013. Not to rain on your parade, Sony Computer Entertainment, but the Wii U is coming out by the end of the year and you know the Argentines, they are like insatiable neophiles when it comes to technology. Better luck next time, you guys! And maybe don’t wait six long fucking years to acknowledge Latin America’s existence, you pricks.

• If you have a Claro line, be aware that you’ll get a $10 pesos discount next month. I’m not exactly sure what they did this time, but it probably involved stealing from you, so the government is spanking them in the ass again. Whatever. Now you know.

•  OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Try not to hyperventilate but feast your eyes on this, people! The official “Dancing With the Stars 2012” promotional photo has finally been released! I know the show’s premiere is still three days away but this will soothe our anxiety and help us make it through the weekend. Highlights this season, which will allegedly focus more on equality and less on tits and ass, include a one-legged dancer and a girl with down syndrome, a move that I personally applaud. The rest of the cast is made up of hookers and goldiggers as usual.

• Popular Latin pop singer Estela Raval passed away at 77 this week after a long battle with cancer. Don’t worry, you didn’t know who she was so you don’t need to mourn her. In the unlikely case you want to know who she was, here’s a link to her performance on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1967. Or something like that.

• You didn’t click on that did you? That’s OK, I’m not judging.

•  As the National Football Team arrived in New Jersey (US) for some game
  

  "Some chick who died," according to you. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  I’m not even gonna bother looking up what it’s about, the Argentine media was outraged – OUTRAGED! – that Americans were oblivious to the fact that Jesus 2.0 (A.K.A. Lionel Messi) was walking among them. Apparently for some reason that I will also not look up, Argentine San Antonio Spurs’ superstar Manu Ginobili stole Messi’s thunder. And since in the US football (or “the soccer”) is only played by little girls and tiger moms, nobody gave a shit. Hey! New Jersey sounds like my kind of place! Let me know when the entire cast of The Jersey Shore is dead, I may consider moving up there.

• As the football boys aimlessly toured the evil mecca of capitalism unnoticed, marveling at the alluring siren song of mass consumption and cotton candy, somewhat popular footballer Sergio “Kun” Aguero went on a shopping spree and purchased an Iron Man doll ”for his son.” Right.

• Oh, I’m sorry! You don’t think that was newsworthy? Well, look at you all nose up in the air, pompously wagging your finger at me, as if you were some kind of respectable journalist. Sorry to have to tell you this people, but Clarín, La Nación, Minuto Uno, Fox Sports and Radio Continental all beg to differ. And those, my friends, are serious news outlets offering relevant need-to-know information on a daily basis. What did you do today? Yeah. Didn’t think so.

• Last but not least: last weekend Argentina beat Ecuador 4-0 during a World Cup 2014 qualifier and the entire country was hysterical, over-celebrating and overreacting after every goal. And I say “overreacting” because I know you know this was a shitty game and that Ecuador didn’t really stand a chance, but you still pretended to be extremely excited and yelled like you just won the lottery. Yes. You should know that every time I see you jump off your chair screaming “GOAL!” during a game that really doesn’t make a difference, I am quietly judging you.

• Fuck football.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again! (That’s right, we’re back to using that one).

And what a week it’s been!

The dollar fever is on the rise and Argentines keep roaming the streets aimlessly, eyes injected in blood from all the whining, looking for a green bill that any lucky foreigner may be willing to part ways with. It’s like zombies, only they say “Dollars… dollars…” instead of “Brains… brains…”.

You know how it is, you’ve seen The Walking Dead.

You see, US dollars have become a commodity in the last few weeks due to the Government’s desperate attempts at stopping the country from bleeding money.

So if you’re abroad and are thinking of making a quick trip to good old Argieland, make sure you bring a big fat wad o’ cash. Preferably lots of Benjamins. If you sell them for pesos in the black market you may or may not be able to buy yourself a pretty little castle (moat included!) in this country.

But if you’re not abroad and are thinking of making a quick trip to the US, you’re fucked.

And now that I’ve ruined your life, and liked the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, this is what you need to know:

• 

  Have you seen any of these lately? If you have, call me. We need to talk. (Photo/Wikipedia)

   DESPAIR! Millions of Argentines are growing increasingly impatient to the Government’s new currency exchange policies which make it hard for common folk like you and me to buy dollars. And yes, I know I just mentioned that in the introduction but that was just that: an introduction and a hook to keep you interested. God knows the hate mail starts coming in as soon as you come across a paragraph that doesn’t contain a snarky remark or a punchline. So shut up and keep reading, I’m doing this to help you understand the gigantic clusterfuck we’re all immersed in right now.

• So like I was saying… DESPAIR! This week saw the passing of controversial Resolution 3333 which restricts currency trading even more. A day that will live in infamy! Because now if you want to travel abroad and need to buy dollars, it is very, very difficult to do so. You need to obtain a special permit from the AFIP tax agency and in order to do so you must prove that the money you’re using was obtained legally. So if you have an Argentine DNI, why not give it a shot? Visit the AFIP website, enter your personal information and get upset when your request is categorically denied. Congratulations! You’re now officially an Argentine citizen.

• What are you yelling at me for?! I never told you to move here.

• As millions of Argentines looking to buy dollars to travel abroad visited the infamous AFIP website hoping for an absolution, many started to realize something was slightly odd in the “Country of Destination” section of the form they were supposed to fill out. As people scrolled down through the list of countries they noticed Cold War relics such as Yugoslavia, the USSR and East Germany were available as possible “destinations,” in case you wanted to take a holiday in 1972. Soon the media (“the media” being mainly Clarín and La Nación, of course) began echoing the head scratching gaffe,  as if it were some kind of collective venting experience, a cathartic moment of joy universally known as the good old “Ha-ha!”.  So now you know: if you wanna go to Machu Picchu, don’t forget to click on “Incan Empire” as destination. You may end up in a different century, and if there’s something we have all learned from Back to the Future is that you do not fuck with time. You’re welcome.

• Ultra-Kirchnerite senator Aníbal Fernández, known for his capability to articulately defend the indefensible and also for his prominent mustache, obviously went out with guns blazing to attack those criticizing the new restrictions. “Argentina has to start thinking in pesos,” he said. “Only 11% of Argentines save in dollars, the rest of the population has nothing to do with it. For that reason, you have to make policies that make sense to everyone and give us similar solutions.” No punchline, right? Keep reading, it’s coming.

• One day after Fernández’s statements in which he urged Argentines to save in pesos, not dollars, the media (“the media” being mainly Clarín and La Nación, of course), published a detailed list of his personal savings, information that is available upon request in order to “keep corruption out of government” *cough*. And what do you know! Our mustached friend has US$24,000 stored safely away in his bank account! Naughty, naughty! Cornered, wounded and without much ammo left, when he was criticized once more by a journalist for preaching about something he wasn’t doing himself, he just exploded: “You know why I save in dollars? Because I fucking feel like it!” Oh, shit. He went there.

• One day and many screams from President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner later, the mustached crusader apologized for his statements and said he would get rid of his dollars eventually (“eventually” as in “never”). Did I mention the President still has US$3 million in savings? Because she does. But that’s OK, she’s the President. She can do whatever the fuck she wants.

• And indeed she can, apparently, because if you want to stay in her hotel in Calafate, you must bring dollars baby! Ah, democracy.

• Remember the recent accusations against Vice-President Amado Boudou? That’s OK, I didn’t expect you to. So here’s a link to it, so you can at least pretend to care. Anyway, one of the casualties of political war in this whole mess was Attorney General Esteban Righi, who resigned from office after Boudou suggested he had tried to bribe him. In his replacement, the Government suggested appointing current SIGEN head Daniel Reposo, a man you don’t know about or care about, and that’s OK because even if you did it wouldn’t make any difference. So Reposo showed up all cocky and proud at the steps of Congress and turned in his résumé, which would be subjected to great scrutiny in the congressional committees. Too bad Reposo seemed to forget this, because as soon as lawmakers began analyzing it they came across certain “irregularities,” (AKA lies) about his professional past. Let’s review them, shall we?

• Résumé says: “Speaker at UN conference alongside Ban Ki-moon.”
• Counterargument: UN says he just attended the event, never spoke.
• Official Government response: “It was a typo.”

• Résumé says: “Speaker at the XIII Ibero-American Conference of Public Administration Ministers in Venezuela.”
• Counterargument: Organization in Venezuela has no record of him ever speaking there.
• Official Government response: “It was a typo.”

• Résumé says: “Worked for the International Association of Jewish Lawyers and Jurists.”
• Counterargument: Association has no record of him ever working there.
• Official Government response: “It was a typo.”

• No, really, the Government is claiming these were all typos.  So check back next week when we find out he did not, in fact, run for president of the United States in the 90s and the he wasn’t a part of the Apollo 11 crew when they walked on the moon.

• Did you enjoy the cacerolazo last night? An alluring, exotic experience
  

  Join the super fun Cacerolazo tonight! It's just like the "Occupy" or "Indignant" movements, with the only difference that it is nothing like them. At all. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  for you, wasn’t it? People in Recoleta, Palermo and Belgrano (all middle-to-upper class neighborhoods *wink, wink*) decided they had had enough of “corruption, inflation, insecurity” and took to the streets to demand they are allowed to be rich and stuff. This guy even went viral worldwide! And to think that some of you even joined the protests! Look at you, how dangerously adventurous! Your parents would be proud! And here are some even greater news: in order to expand your anthropological studies of the Argentine society even further,  they are repeating it tonight! That’s right, starting at 10 pm, tonight’s nationwide cacerolazo is expected to be even bigger than last night’s! With some luck you may be able to experience what happened here 10 years ago when the country’s economy suffered its worst meltdown in history and it all went to shit. Seriously, who needs to go to the USSR in the 70s when you can go to Argentina in 2001? And you don’t even need an AFIP permit for this one.

• The Catholic Church is still freaking out about the recent Supreme Court ruling on abortion and is now supporting a bill drafted by the clergy that suggests offering cash incentives to women if they choose not to terminate their pregnancies.  Awesome idea, you guys! One question though: who’s supposed to pay for that if passed, the Pope? Oh I see, we’re gonna pay for that. Not you. Us! Splendid. Jesus must be rolling in his grave cloud.

• Not that you care or anything, but the Iguazu Falls have finally been awarded a plaque reading that they are part of the “New Seven Wonders of the World,” a private undertaking led by the New Open World Corporation that is not related in any way, shape of form to UNESCO, meaning that it’s total bullshit. Yeah, I know. I just completely ruined it for you, whatever.

• Also, if you don’t believe me, UNESCO is not very happy about it either.

• Great news, everyone! Now that cell phone companies have stolen billions from you, their loyal paying customers, the Government has finally decided that it’s not legal for them to charge you for making a call when the other side doesn’t pick up. The bad news is that you probably didn’t know this, and right now you’re going: “What?! You mean I been paying thousands of pesos for calls that never existed?!”. Yes. Yes I do mean that.  :)

• Oh and also, have you been having problems when sending a text message from your cell phone, especially if you have a Claro or Movistar line? Well, first of all you kind of deserve it because no one sends text messages anymore. Everybody uses Whatsapp. And second of all, don’t worry, it’s not your phone. According to Movistar, it’s Claro’s fault. Then again, according to Claro, it’s Movistar’s fault. And while both companies pilloried each other indirectly in the twitterverse, I’m pretty sure all those text messages you sent and never arrived were added to your bill accordingly. Do you want me to end this one with a happy face too, so it makes you feel a little better? OK, here it is.

•  Now, I don’t mean to freak you out but the new season of the local version of Dancing With The Stars (“Bailando por un Sueño“) officially has a premiere date! That’s right friends! On June 11th. our favorite host Marcelo Tinelli and his army of high-class hookers professional dancers are taking over the airwaves again! So grab your kids, pour yourself some glass of fine wine, light up a cigar and sit right next to the chimney so you can enjoy some quality television with the family. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get some tits and ass, all on the same night! God knows humanity is still recovering from what happened last year (watch the 1:45 mark).

• Speaking of poor taste: Behold! After many days of uncertainty and intrigue, former has-been model and current Who’s-that-again Katie Price released the much coveted portfolio of her new lingerie line “Katie’s Boutique,” exclusively sold at Store Twenty One (“exclusively” as in “no other store would want to sell it”). Now if you’re wondering why this is news in Argentina (I would be if I were you), it is because as you may recall, Katie is still dating former TV lifeguard and current boyfriend-of-Katie-Price Leandro Penna, who – you guessed it – is featured largely in the racy photographs.  Which means everyone here was talking about it. That’s right people. This is what passes for news nowadays. Deal with it.

• Also, the British may be sending a nuclear submarine this way, but the Argentines send them Leandro Penna. A nuclear blast may be a more effective, immediate solution to end a conflict, but the dumbing down of a cultural heritage has more harmful, lasting effects than the radioactive fallout. Five more years of his insightful brainfarts on Twitter and BAM! The Falkland Islands belong to Argentina again.

• Before we jump into the next bullet point, let me just make it abundantly clear that I had nothing to do with it. Got it? So no hate mail. Fan mail is OK, though. OK? OK.

• Millions of football fans around the world shrieked in horror last Monday when, while checking Twitter to learn the latest about the football world minutiae, realized that Fox Sports Norte tweeted that probable cyborg Lionel Messi had died. As panic began spreading throughout the international football community and many prayed that the tweet was actually referring to the other, less-popular Lionel Messi, the real Messi came back from the dead and announced he was, in fact, very much alive. So I guess all those idiots that have been calling him “the Messi-ah” these last few years had kind of a point.

• Then again, Fox Sports Norte later announced their Twitter account had been hacked, so no. They didn’t.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday and it’s a national holiday again!

One of the many that you love so much because you get to enjoy an extra day of doing nothing!

Now, I could start one of my never ending diatribes about how you should know that this is a very important holiday for Argentina and that it’s more than just little white and blue flags on the car’s roof, but in all honesty I’m tired and I have writer’s block.

Here’s a link to the May Revolution, which took place exactly 202 years ago. I know you won’t read it, but in case you have an epiphany and decide you want to learn more about the country you live in, there it is.

Now put down your mate (or 5 pm beer), grab some hot chocolate and churros and celebrate like it’s 1809.

Oh, and like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook and share it with your friends! If we reach 1000 soon, we’re throwing a party at my place.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Former Colombian president Álvaro Uribe was close to being non-assassinated this week. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  EVERYBODY PANIC!!! Because apparently not enough shit goes down here every week, you can now add “attempted political assassination” to the long list of shenanigans taking place in this country. As former Colombian president Álvaro Uribe, considered by many a Latin American mirror image of George W. Bush, readied to give a speech at a leadership conference in the Gran Rex theater this week, a maintenance man working on the venue’s third floor came across two bombs that had been concealed carefully behind a lamp and had been rigged to explode at 4:30 pm on Wednesday, when Uribe’s speech was supposed to be taking place. After a bomb squad defused both explosives, flamboyantly fierce Federal Judge Norberto Oyarbide showed up at the scene to make a scene and engaged in an endless soliloquy filled with over-the-top drama-queenism, explaining that had these bombs gone off not only they would have killed thousands of people but would have also hindered Argentina’s image around the world. The incident was immediately echoed by the world’s largest media outlets, from CNN to Reuters, from The Telegraph to Al Jazeera, and Buenos Aires was once again center stage on the world chalkboard.

• NO, WAIT. NO ONE PANIC. False alarm, everyone! Turns out it was actually just firecrackers! It seems that someone fucked up big time and confused what is commonly known here as bomba de estruendo (a loud firecracker usually set off by mischievous kids during New Year’s Eve and braindead hooligans during their favorite football game) with an Al Qaeda incendiary device, automatically ridiculing the entire police force before the eyes of the world for crying wolf when what they had found was actually a lamb. “It appears the whole plan was to startle the audience, but the bomb had no destructive power,” said the Federal Police, contradicting Oyarbide’s previous elaborate ramblings.  ”Well, it appears it was nothing more than a stink bomb,” the judge said annoyingly at a press conference later and worried that this whole fiasco had affected his reputation. Oh, judge. You Tube has you singing cuarteto (while probably inebriated) with La Mona Jimenez. Trust me, no one cares about this.

• EVERYBODY PANIC!!! The UK is apparently keen on blowing us all up and has deployed a nuclear submarine to the South Atlantic to protect the Malvinas/Falklands from Argentina’s invasion back in 1982, sensationalist newspaper The Sun says. And these guys illegally hack phones. Believe me, they know their shit. So something so terrifying and politically convenient for both nations has got to be true. Also, the local press has made sure that you understand it is a NUCLEAR submarine. You know, as in “nuclear” bomb. *wink, wink*
• NO, WAIT. NO ONE PANIC.  It’s called a nuclear submarine because it is nuclear-powered, not because it carries nuclear weapons. The local media, clearly disappointed by the lack of imminent terror, found another way to scare us all and started focusing on the destructive power of its tomahawk missiles. I guess their point is that the British are trying to kill us all.

• Also, I’m intrigued about this Argentine guy who will attempt to “symbolically” unite Argentina with the islands by swimming all the way from mainland to Port Stanley (or, as the Twitter nitpickers just told me: “He’s actually going to swim from island to island, you idiot!”). My question is: what happens when he reaches shore? I’m not sure the islanders will be very thrilled to see that Argentines are disembarking at their beaches now. Would that be considered an invasion? Would shooting him be a viable option? Would this be an excuse for the nuclear sub to fire upon us? This thing has “international incident” written all over it. Whatever, more stuff for me to write about. Although in his defense, he says he intends to use this as an opportunity to unite the islanders with the Argentines. So kudos to him for being a lot more well versed in diplomacy than the local Government.

• In order to perpetuate the cognitive dissonance currently affecting the Argentine political arena, annoying journalist and de facto leader of the opposition Jorge Lanata traveled to Angola last week and cornered Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman during a press conference, asking him how it was possible that the Kirchnerite government, a Human Rights champion, was willing to do business with the Angolan government, greatly denounced for its human rights violations. Timerman, clearly blindsided by the gotcha question was fuming and barely managed to escape the press conference alive. I’m sure that swimmer I was talking about before would have handled the situation ten times better.

• Vice-President Amado Boudou just clearly doesn’t give a shit about anything anymore.

• The exchange rate of the so-called “blue” dollar (as in “black market”) reached new heights this week, even surpassing the Euro’s value. The good news is you don’t need any dollars, you don’t have any dollars and even if you did you don’t even know where the black market is. See? It all works out in the end.

• If you’re wondering why there’s an apparent lack of Cristina-related news this week, it’s because she had to take a two-day leave of absence after catching the flu.

• In totally unrelated news, this happened three weeks ago. Just saying.

• The much-feared “three-day Subte strike” was avoided in the eleventh hour when subway workers and Metrovías S.A. came to an initial agreement, effectively killing my segue and a litany of jokes that I had prepared for what was going to be a fucked up week. Thanks for ruining everything for me, jackasses.

• Remember how last week I was happy because the British had finally acknowledged that I was right and decided to create an anti-Maradona ad to piss off the entire Argentine population? They’ve done it again! And this time they actually mock the “hand of God” episode, just like I said! I guess I have more klout than I thought, which is more than the former football star can say for himself.

• EVERYBODY PANIC!!! In what probably constitutes the worst piece of gastronomic news since the Irish Great Potato Famine, I am very sorry to announce that McDonald’s and Burger King may very soon run out of french fries to sell since the McCain factory in Argentina has shut down indefinitely because of trade restrictions at the Brazilian border. Since 70% of the company’s production is exported to Brazil, over 1,500 tons of frozen fries were ruined after getting green and mossy in the back of some poorly refrigerated warehouse in some forgotten border town after they were not allowed to cross over. So in protest McCain is stopping production, which means no more fries anywhere. Or, even worse, both restaurants will close a deal with Farm Frites, the RC Cola of pre-fried french fries.

• NO, WAIT. NO ONE PANIC. The Government has intervened and vowed to find a proper place to store the fries, at least until the trade irregularities with Brazil are resolved. Phew! Close call! Can you imagine being stuck with the cherry tomatoes?! I’d rather kill myself, thank you very much.

• Hey, here’s a neat idea! Let’s organize a Classic Car Show in some town in Río Negro and then have one of the “classic” (“classic” as in “piece of shit”) vehicles drive around the block to show people standing on the sidewalk that it is, indeed, a car. Then, to fire up the crowd, let’s create an obstacle course in the middle of the street by setting up a few of those orange plastic cones so you can have the vehicles swerve and break in front of the audience with a complete disregard of any sort of safety protocols. I mean, come on! What could possibly go wrong? Oh, yeah. That.

• Move over, Phoenix Jones! There’s a new real-life superhero in town some other part of the world! Former
  

  If you're wondering what this guy is doing here, keep reading. You'll eventually find out. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  treacherous vice-president and current political pariah Julio Cobos, who as you (probably don’t) know served during Cristina’s first term and was ostracized from her Cabinet after he stabbed her in the back, is now seemingly moonlighting as a superhero! You see, Mr. Cobos was casually patrolling the streets of Mendoza this week when he spotted a Toyota Hilux rolling down the street without a driver.  Noticing that it was headed straight to a busy main avenue, where some kid named Little Timmy was probably waiting to be run over by it, Mr. Cobos didn’t hesitate and stood in front of the 1.2 ton behemoth, successfully stopping it with his bare hands and saving the day. Well, in all honesty he was helped by another man who happened to be there but no one gives a shit about him. The whole ordeal was of course picked up by the press, who lauded Cobos as the hero du jour, and was caught on video by a bystander who was absolutely not paid to be there with a video camera. Unfortunately, the camera started rolling after the heroic deed took place, so you’re pretty much stuck with footage of a couple of old geezers greeting Cobos as he exits his car (!?) and the pick up truck laying still in the back. I guess we’ll just have to take his word for it. Stay tuned, next week Mr. Cobos saves Little Timmy after he falls in a well and/or is caught in a fire at the old mill.

• Mark your calendar kids! This week Congress passed a bill creating yet another national holiday, but don’t get so excited because it’s one of the lame ones (meaning it’s just a one time thing). In order to commemorate the 200th. anniversary of some battle of historical significance that you just didn’t click on in order to find out more about it, lawmakers decided that next February 3rd will be a national holiday. Yay, government!

• Also, I was so certain that you wouldn’t click on it that if you do, you get rickrolled. Go on, give it a try! And for you nerds complaining that you didn’t get to read about the actual battle, here is the correct link to the Battle of San Lorenzo.

• I know you didn’t click on that one either. Just saying.

• I feel like I say this almost every month so the joke may be getting old, but City Hall has authorized cab drivers in Capital to raise their fare rates yet again. Come October, you will be paying 91 cents for every 200 meters (you currently pay 73 cents every two blocks). So let’s take a look at the current state of mass transit: taxis are for the rich, trains are deadly, the subways are about to go out of business and your bikes get stolen on a regular basis (I would have also included “cars” on the list, but let’s face it, you don’t own one). Right now buses are your last chance to get somewhere in the city, and who knows how long we have until a single bus ride goes up to $4. Once that happens, I guess it’s time to go back to whatever country you come from.

• EVERYONE PANIC (for real this time)!!! The gates of hell have been opened and the unthinkable has happened. After several football clubs vaguely suggested that they had had enough of the barrabrava (hooligan) savagery, the fanatics reacted in accordance to their  nature and began sending death threats to everyone in their path. And that’s the most peaceful reaction they could come up with! In just one week, they:

• Held Racing Club‘s Giovanni Moreno at gunpoint for over 40 minutes and ordered him to win next Sunday’s game.

• Forced the vice-president of Independiente, Claudio Keblaitis, to take a 3-month leave of absence after they sent him a note warning him that they would shoot him in the head if his club stopped giving them money.

• Intercepted the bus carrying the Instituto team after a defeat and warned them that if they kept losing, all the players would be shot and killed. 

• Threatened the board of the River Plate Club, relegated last year to the National B, by sending them messages that read “Take us back to the First Division or die.”

• Forced the Government to jump in and say that if the violence doesn’t stop, they will have to resort to much more drastic measures, such as suspending all games and tournaments in the country indefinitely.

• Threatened to atta…- Wait. Hold on a second. No football?! AT ALL?! INDEFINITELY?! AND WITH SOME HOPE, FOREVER?!?! OH MY GOD!!

• And finally, my favorite moment of the week: While the leader of Independiente continued to wage his holy crusade against the club’s hooligans and tension kept rising, those mindless neanderthals decided to converge at the entrance of the club to vehemently condemn those who condemn them for being a bunch of sociopaths.  As the protest grew larger and the media showed up, the not-so-aloof head of the hooligans, Mr. Frankenstein (no, seriously) cornered one of the club’s directors against a wall urging him to reconsider their “confrontational” position. No, I’m not kidding! The head of the Independiente hooligans is Frankenstein. Here, see for yourself. Also please look at the face of the club’s representative, who is forced to engage in a serious dialogue with him in front of the cameras.

• And yes, I do know that the correct name for that character is Frankenstein’s Monster, since in the original Mary Shelley story, which I’m sure you didn’t read, “Frankenstein” is not the creature but the name of the doctor who creates the creature. Whatever, man. I’m not responsible for the character symbiosis and I don’t dictate the rules of pop culture. So shut up, even though you probably didn’t say anything.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

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Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

Vice-president Amado Boudou has hopped into the fire once again, after the Anti-Corruption Office denounced him for allegedly falsifying an affidavit that excluded his car from his divorce proceedings.

Local media were all ablaze with reports that the second in command said he lied about the date he purchased a car. By doing so, it would have been declared his “own good” rather than shared property, thus excluding it from his assets during his divorce from Daniela Andriuolo.

If Boudou is found guilty by Federal Judge Julián Ercolini, the crime is punishable with from 15 days to two years imprisonment, plus perpetual disqualification to hold public office.

The presentation was made by Mario Mazzitelli, Secretary General of the Authentic Socialist Party (PSA). El Día reports that Mazzitelli based the claim on the data already verified in another open criminal investigation against former economy minister, stating that Boudou said he bought a 1992 Honda Civic CRX del Sol, on 1st July 1992.

“On 1st July, 1992 the car was not even in Argentina,” Mazzitelli said, according to El Día.

Boudou is already up to his eyeballs in corruption allegations. Boudou has been accused of using his political influence to help an ailing company, one with which he may have had personal ties. Last week, Prosecutor Jorge Di Tello also ordered the opening of an investigation into alleged illegal enrichment by the vice-president.