Last Thursday night, the fervour of a section of Argentine society could be felt and heard in every corner of the country. Thousands of light blue and white flags fluttered in the skies of the main cities, creating the impression of a civic holiday, though it was the claim of more than a million indignant citizens.

Buenos Aires Thursday 18 April, thousands of peaceful demonstrators
(Photo: Julie Catarinella)

The streets, crowded with people chanting against ten years of rule by president Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and her late husband and former president Néstor Kirchner, were swamped with demands and allegations that resonated in the handmade banners and loud sounds of pot banging.

“I’m tired of corruption. I’m tired of not being able to to go outside without being afraid. I’m tired of public officials getting richer at the expense of our people. I’m here to defend democracy”, said a 65-year-old housewife.

Their grievances included alleged corruption, violent crime, inflation, and poverty -concerns which have seen the president’s approval rating plummet almost two years after she easily won her bid for re-election (according to several consulting agencies, in the last half of 2012 her positive image had already fallen by 45%). After all, it was Argentina’s largest anti-government demonstration in years and the third mass protest against the president in seven months.

Buenos Aires Thursday 18 April, peaceful demonstrators
(Photos: Julie Catarinella)

One of the demonstrators’ main concerns was about a new judicial reform which, among other things, states that all members of the Magistrates’ Council, a body that oversees the selection and running of the judiciary, ought to be elected by the citizens. While supporters say the law will lead to a democratisation of the justice system, critics say it will dangerously politicise the judiciary ensuring impunity to members of the ruling party.

It is hard for a group of people to come together behind a single banner. The claims were numerous and diverse, and some of them resonate with the government’s electoral base. Most of the participants of this protest were not voters of Kirchnerism, however some of their grievances, such as inflation and insecurity, are also claims made by voters of the current government.

Scenes like these are bound to raise concerns for the president and her supporters, and the reason is the transversal nature of the complaints.

Last Thursday there were neighbours from affluent suburbs, rural workers from the countryside, leaders and members of the Independent Movement of Pensioners and Unemployed (MIJD), the Socialist Workers’ Movement (MST), young people in school uniforms, retirees in wheelchairs and walking sticks, and diverse groups of people from all around the country, united by their rejection of the government. These were the indignant social players of the so-called ’18A’, strongly proud of not being part of the 54% who voted for president Fernández in 2011, demanding to be heard.

No one can fail to admit the impact of the ‘cacerolazo‘, especially in districts historically controlled by president Fernández’s party, such as the Greater Buenos Aires, Mendoza, Salta, Tucuman, and Neuquén. In previous demonstrations, on 13th September and 8th November 2012, government supporters had dismissed the protest by pointing out that protesters belonged to the middle-upper classes and that the demonstrations were orchestrated by wealthy elites. There was also speculation that some media groups were responsible for stoking fears and encouraging the protest. As the judicial reform has been a hot topic in the news agenda, some media groups aligned with the opposition directly linked this issue with the 18A protest, which gave the event massive coverage and placed it on the spotlight.

This time, the main government officials refrained from comment. They feel this message is not addressed to them.

Buenos Aires Thursday 18 April,peaceful demonstrator
(Photo: Julie Catarinella)

The feature that differentiated the third cacerolazo against the government from the previous ones was the visible presence of opposition political leaders. On 13th September, when the pots were heard against the government for the first time, opposition politicians were conspicuous by their absence. Two months later, on 8th November, only some were audacious enough to attend. Last Thursday, however, the key figures of the opposition took to the streets and heard the people’s demands. After all, many of them admitted to having articulated the protests.

“The right of the majorities is not absolute nor can it be fulfilled at any cost. The president must govern for all citizens. We also want justice, we also want security, we also want a better quality of life,” explained Mauro, a 33-year-old engineer.

A crucial test of the government’s popularity will come later this year in the mid-term legislative elections, in which the government will try to keep its majority in both chambers. For the time being, the government pushes ahead with major bills.

The Responsibility of the Opposition

In the two previous cacerolazos, it came to light that certain opposition groups had provided support to the organisation of the protests, though with a low profile and no party identification.

Marked by the predominant influx of people not aligned with any political party, the novelty of ’18A’ was the strong and explicit role of political leaders of most of the opposition parties.

The demands of unity between the opposition candidates for an alternative option ahead of the elections were also part of the people’s claims at the demonstration. One of the organisers argued that the opposition parties should unite to form at least two electoral fronts, a right-leaning and a left-leaning one, to avoid fragmentation and confront the ruling party in the legislative elections next 27th October.

Some opposition sectors are beginning to come together to replicate the model of the opposition in Venezuela, based on an alliance of all left and right-wing parties to confront the ruling party in the polls. The aim of this alliance, the Mesa de Unidad Democrática (MUD), is to carry out primary elections, run together, and support the candidate who obtains the highest number of votes. But here in Argentina, not all believe in unity. Some socialist groups differ with right-wing parties in the way they analyse a possible new victory of Kirchnerism -they just do no think the risk is that high.

The wide gap between the various opposition forces has been very difficult to bridge so far and it might take too long before an alliance like the MUD in Venezuela can arise and develop a cohesive discourse.

It becomes evident that from now on the calls to these anti-government manifestations will be more orchestrated by these groups, and less ‘non-partisan’. This may affect future gatherings, given the explicitly ‘non-partisan’ stance of the protesters.

“No political party represents me so far, I don’t identify with any of the existing political platforms. I hope the opposition can come up with something new for the next elections. I still wanted to come and express my disappointment with this government,” said Susana, a 37-year-old shop-keeper.

On the ruins of the bipartisan system that ruled Argentina between 1983 and 2001, the government developed a hegemony that is based more on the lack of an alternative than on the trust of the popular vote. In recent years we have seen how opposition parties have been weakening because of their inaction against the power of Kirchnerism. The street protest reflects the other side of their supremacy in the arena of partisan politics. It expresses an ongoing discomfort at an opposition without organisation or discourse, and a ruling party that does not recognise the needs and predicaments of great part of society.

The political dispersion of the minority was evidenced in the 2011 election and resonates today in the form of a widespread dissatisfaction with the current political actors. Responsibility for this dissatisfaction falls on the intellectuals and politicians who are not articulating people’s demands into concrete, democratic, and autonomous actions.

Buenos Aires Thursday 18 April,peaceful demonstrators
(Photo: Julie Catarinella)

The open cacerolazos are an enigma in terms of their ultimate implications in the polls. The challenge for the opposition is to be able to translate the slogans seen in these protests into a parliamentary victory and later on, an electoral victory. Whether they achieve this will depend on the strength of their unity and their ability to evolve into a new political project able to represent this part of Argentine society.

A lot has been said about democracy over the past few days. The protesters denounce president Fernández for exceeding the limits of democracy towards a greater accumulation of power, while her allies state that the ’18A’ is the glaring realisation that there is full democracy in Argentina.

It is important to bear in mind that democracy in Argentina, as well as in most Latin American countries, is often expressed through strong personal leaderships. The strong presidential system in Argentina does nothing to alleviate the problem of a lack of representation in Congress. Without a strong opposition to ensure a fair political game, the government’s concentration of power will continue growing, to the point of jeopardising democratic consolidation.

Live from New York, it’s Friday again!

That’s right, I’m still here.

Which is not the same I can say about you, since Argentina (and Buenos Aires in particular) is up in flames. Or at least that’s what it looks like according to the media, which in an ironic twist of fate, I’m apparently part of.

But I think I finally get you. It’s hard to follow what happens in the country when you’re abroad. Because:

• If you read the anti-Government media, the country looks like this.
• If you read the pro-Government media, the country looks like this.
• If you read the objective media, you’re lying because it doesn’t exist.

Thousands gathered in cities across the country to protest against President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and her government last night.

A similar cacerolazo (from cacerola – pot which people symbolically bang on to indicate their discontent) had taken place last month, on 13^thSeptember, but last night’s, with a participation of 70,000 to 700,000 people depending on sources, was larger.

Protesters fill the streets during the 8N cacerolazo (photo/Marc Rogers)

“What the Argentine people did [yesterday] they should be proud of. […] The message was for the President who is the one that has to change,” said Mauricio Macri, governor of the city of Buenos Aires and member of the opposition party Propuesta Republicana (PRO) on the radio program Primera Mañana.

“I didn’t lose any sleep over the protest last night and I won’t lose any sleep over it today,” Senator Aníbal Fernández from President Fernández’s Frente Para la Victoria (FPV) defiantly told Radio Mitre this morning.

The recurring themes during both protests were insecurity, corruption, freedom of expression, and opposition to constitutional reform. Argentines opposed to the government fear that President Fernández and her party will push for a constitutional reform that would allow her to run for a third consecutive term, which is forbidden under the current constitution. President Fernández however has never said a reform was in her plans or expressed the wish to run again for the presidency.

An animated protester in Plaza de Mayo (photo/Marc Rogers)

The organisation of the protest mainly took place over the internet via social networking platforms with the tag 8N (for 8th November). Although the PRO party was the most largely represented, protesters united against the current government rather than in favour of any specific party. This is the result of an increasing polarisation in Argentine society between pro or anti-government groups and while the opposition count with the support of large parts of the private media they have no formal political representation.

A majority of those present were from the middle and upper classes of Argentine society who have felt most threatened by the current government’s fiscal and political reforms. Protests even sprung up in capitals across the world in countries with large Argentine expat communities. Protesters in front of embassies in Paris, Madrid, and Sydney will have been particularly hardly hit by the recent monetary reforms that have made it harder to send money out of Argentina.

"My money, my job. I don't want to support lazy people" (photos/Marc Rogers)

It’s Friday again!

And it’s been non-stop this week.

I’m not gonna lie to you kids, everyone’s favorite Shakespearean character and local badass President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner figures largely in today’s column.

And the reason for that was the “CFK spanks the USA” Tour 2012 (I came up with that awesome and original name so don’t steal it), which involved our beloved leader visiting three cities that together form a trifecta of erudite squares. And I mean that in a good way. These are scholars you don’t fuck around with.

You try and have a discussion about anything with a Bostonian and you’ll be lucky to end up crying in a corner.

But worry not, because while the President was away schooling the rest of the world on molecular biology and the season finale of Dancing With The Stars, things were pretty hilarious on this side of the hemisphere as well.

So like us on Facebook and then get ready for non-stop facepalms, cringing conversations, poorly photoshopped pictures and lots, lots of fremdschämen. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  This week, Argentines take New York by storm. Hilarity ensues. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  It’s that time of the year again. September arrives and with it spring makes a short-lasting appeareance, like a teaser trailer of coming events, and then the cold fronts return to make our lives miserable. Meanwhile, in New York, many get ready for the most important event of the year. A glamorous happening that unites people from all over the world, getting together in order to witness how a small group of select, cosmopolitan chosen ones deal with intrinsic social issues and scheme in order to achieve their ultimate goals. That’s right, I’m talking about the season premiere of Gossip Girl. Oh and the UN General Assembly also takes place, although people are less into that because it involves all the presidents of the world getting together under one roof to discuss politics, which is boring. Except for suicide bombers. I’m sure it’s like a wet dream for them.

• Although if you think about it, a politics edition of Gossip Girl could be television gold. “Spotted: CFK and Hilz sipping some lattes and shopping for some Vuitton on Fifth.” Look, I even have the poster for it and everything!  *sigh* I should have been in advertising.

•  No, yeah. Back to business. Sorry, I’m very disperse today.

• The week began with IMF head Christine Lagarde warning that if Argentina fails to put its affairs (inflation) in order, the organization will have no choice “but to show it the red card.”  A football reference? Sorry then. I don’t know what that means.

• Anyway, as expected, Cristina flew to New York to attend the UN General Assembly and provide us mortals with the infinite pleasure of being lectured and reprimanded by her. Because Cristina knows best, and that’s just the way it is. Even if she doesn’t. And since I know many of you just don’t really care about all this and feel tempted to skip the politics part, I’m willing to offer you her statements in short form and long form so you can choose. OK? OK.

• First, this is her entire speech before the UN, which you will positively not watch.

• And yes, of course it’s in Spanish! What did you think I was gonna dub it? I have a life, sorry.

• TO THE IMF (long form):  She condemned the IMF’s “red card” statement and said “this is a grave economic crisis, not a football match. My country is not a football team and will not be subjected to any threats. And if you compare football to the economy, let me say the head of the FIFA has had a better performance than that of the head of the IMF.” BOOM! Burn.

• TO THE IMF (short form): Fuck you.

• TO THE UK (long form): “This is a global issue. We don’t want you to say we’re right on the Malvinas/Falklands issue. We just want you to sit down with us and talk.“

• TO THE UK (short form): Fuck you but please pay attention to us.

• And the Malvinas/Falklands government tweeted back: Fuck you too.

• ON GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISIS (long form): “My biggest fear is that if we can’t solve it, millions of people in our western world may stop believing that a democratic system can do it. If you look at the worst kind of totalitarian governments in history, they were all preceded by serious economic crises.” Yup. True.

• ON GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISIS (short form): Either we solve it or Hitler returns and we’re all fucked.

• TO IRAN (long form): “We always complain about the UK’s refusal to talk. Now Iran says they want to talk. So we have decided to have a meeting with them. I expect concrete results and their cooperation in the investigation to find whoever was behind the ’92 and ’94 terrorist attacks.”

• TO IRAN (short form): Let’s talk but don’t fuck with us.

• Those were the most important parts of her speech. Congrats, you made it through.

• You think it’s over? Ha! We’re just getting started.

• In the meantime, not all was well in the land of liberty and over-consumption. As Cristina lectured the world on foreign policy, a storm was brewing a few blocks away from the UN headquarters. Outside her Hotel in Columbus Circle, a few hundred Argentines had convened, pot in hand (not, not that kind of pot), to protest the presence of the President there, even though she apparently wasn’t there. But look, there’s the Statue of Liberty, holding a frying pan!

• Now, I know that I’m gonna be called “a repugnant ultra-k” by the most visceral opponents to this Government, but don’t you think it’s a little contradictory to be chanting “Argentina! Argentina!”… from New York?! I don’t oppose any form of protests, but come on people, admit it. You need a PR firm to run your demonstrations.

• This actually made me laugh though.

• After her awesome dissertation, Cristina flew to Washington DC, where she would be faced with incisive questions by curious Georgetown University students who probably didn’t know who Cristina was until the night before and were just trying to impress their teachers.

• Relax, Georgetown. I’m kidding.

• Anyway, Cristina attended a ceremony in Georgetown and talked to students who anxiously awaited to exercise their power to do something most journalists in Argentina can’t: ask her questions she doesn’t like answering. Here is her speech, which is somewhat similar to the one she gave at  the UN. And no, it’s not in English either. Figure it out yourself.

• And this is probably the part (the juicy part) you’re interested in: the questions she faced. There were some funny moments, she said that she always talks to journalists (which the Press Corps at the Government House quickly refuted in a press statement), they asked her about the alleged “6 pesos a day” scandal and the relationship with Venezuela and Paraguay. Everyone giggled, laughed, shared jokes and by the time it was over, everyone was satisfied. Yay, Georgetown!

• Oh yeah, and the Justice Ministry has pressed charges against “some bloggers” who created this. The Ministry considers it “incites violence” and it calls for the murder of a government official.

• Horror! Credit rating agency Moody’s, which for some reason is still in business after the 2008 fiasco, has decided to go “negative” on 30 Argentine banks. Now I know why they call it “moody’s”. Haha.

• Oh, shut up! Like you would have come up with something better. You know how hard it is to be writing this today? There’s so much stuff going on I feel like I have no material left. I got nothing.

•  Regarding the “$6 a day” fiasco, turns out it was all just a huge miscommunication! Because the INDEC now says that you actually need 13 pesos a day “not to be poor.“

• What. That’s it. That’s the joke.

• Horror! Part Deux: Evidence of this Government’s tyrannical practices continues to pile on as everyone’s favorite yet non-affordable luxury brand Louis Vuitton became the government’s latest (fashion?) victim and decided to leave the country for ever. Or until Cristina goes away, whichever comes first.  Which is kind of a heresy because we all know it’s Cristina’s favorite brand as well. However, it is not such an uninvited curse that is horrifying many, but actually the fact that a cosmopolitan and fashion-conscious newspaper such as La Nación ran the story on its front page by calling it “Luis” Vuitton.

• Let’s say you lead a criminal lifestyle. Let’s say you and your two friends
  

  After last night, Harvard University is now synonymous with dumb. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  decide to rob a lottery agent. Let’s say you enter the agency, stand in line and pretender to be a customer. Let’s say you pick pick three random numbers while the cashier enters the information, and as she gives you your receipt you reveal your true intentions, pull out a gun and demand all the cash available. Let’s say you get $400 pesos and escape. Let’s say you and your friends are so stupid that you get caught immediately and thrown in jail. Let’s say that God has a sick sense of humor and on top of that, on that same day the numbers you picked are the winning numbers and there’s a $900 prize you’ll never get to cash because you’re in jail. Let’s say this actually happened.

• You know those nights when you decide to engage in a little binge drinking with the guys but no one wants to be designated driver and you take the car anyway because, whatever right? OK, sure. I know chances are you don’t own a car in this country, but you probably had one back in whatever place you lived before getting exiled here, so humor me. Like I was saying, you go out with the boys and drink 300 bottles of Quilmes and then go back home all tipsy and inebriated and stuff because getting home fast trumps risking your life and that of others. And then… OMG you ram your car into another vehicle and all hell breaks loose. The police shows up, obviously to try and prove you’re drunk so they can get all your money. What do you do, hot shot? Huh? Well, this brave young man decided that he was gonna fight the system and in order to cover any traces of alcohol in his body he decided to drink a bottle of brake fluid. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures, man! And now he’s dead.

• OK, he’s not dead. But I know there’s some cautionary tale somewhere in there about drinking and driving. Give me a couple of weeks, I’ll find a better narrative.

•  Remember a few months ago when Cristina gave a press conference to announce the new state-of-the-art technology that would allow football clubs to identify dangerous hooligans and throw them in the rancor pit forever? Remember how it failed miserably and couldn’t read Cristina’s fingerprint? Well it appears that despite that technical “glitch” the devices were installed anyway because, you know… we already paid for them, so fuck it. But, alas! The effectiveness of stadium security is once again being questioned after Boca Juniors hooligan number 2, some Maxi Mazzaro guy, managed to fool the machines by wearing a wig and sunglasses and even took some awesome photos inside the stadium. OF COURSE! HOW COULD WE NOT THINK OF THIS!? We’ve been beaten by the plot of a 1930′s Saturday morning cartoon. We’re doomed.

• Oh, no he didn’t! But yes, he totally did. Non-threatening tennis superstar Roger Federer decided to betray his loyal Argentine followers and stab them in the heart by taking this appalling and insulting photograph in which is seen happily, proudly (even mockingly!) wearing the enemy uniform (i.e. the Brazilian football team’s uniform). No one is really sure what this means but everyone totally knows what this means: a definite affront to the Argentine people, who are expected to go see him in December when he comes to play against former national hero and currently disgraced Juan Martín del Potro. It’s will be interesting to see which of the two players is booed the most. My money is on Del Potro.

Preface: in order to make today’s roundup a more sensorial, enjoyable experience, I recommend you use this song as soundtrack. Or this one. Whatever.

It’s springtime again!

And if you thought the season of love and sunshine was going to usher in a new era of collective empathy and intellectual enlightenment, then you are FUCKING WRONG.

Yes, it’s warmer outside. Yes, condom companies have been fast to plaster the city with “funny” ads encouraging the younger generations to have sex. Oh, and to use condoms while they are at it.

But no matter how much love is in the air, Buenos Aires is after all the City of Fury, as genius Gustavo Cerati once sang in his classic ode to this concrete jungle, La Ciudad de la Furia.

I know. You can’t listen to this song while listening to one of the songs I recommended at the beginning. Well, figure it out yourself. I’m not your nanny.

Anyway, people are nervous man, they are nervous.

As the pressure continues to build between two factions who, despite my friendly warnings, keep hating each other, everyone is on edge.

Maybe it’s just a sign of the impending apocalypse coming soon to a city near you, when on December 21st, 2012 the four Mayan horsemen of the apocalypse release the kraken on us and nations collapse under the terrible weight of a bunch of Twilight fans angry at the world because Robert Pattinson is an idiot.

Whatever the case may be, the air is charged with negativity and it is clearly affecting us citizens. It’s like in Ghostbusters 2 when that pink goo that only reacted to negative thoughts  made everyone fight each other, remember?

No? Really? I’m sure you remember the part when the Statue of Liberty comes to life, which is, like, a minor detail in the plot, and yet you don’t remember the goo?

Ugh, you suck. Like us on Facebook and then go to your room.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  A typical afternoon in the park in Buenos Aires. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Cacerolazo aftermath: Yes, the people spoke last week. But the Government didn’t listen. In fact, many in the Fernandez de Kirchner administration seemed to double down on their stance and directly insulted most of the protesters by calling them “violent, racist, rich angry people, coup-mongers, people who care more about Miami than Argentina,” and even dared to accuse them of supporting former dictator and current monster Jorge Rafael Videla when he took office via a coup d’état in 1976. Smart move Government! This reaction has of course galvanized the angry mobs even more, who have already began coordinating on Facebook to organize a second, larger cacerolazo. So let’s take a look at the most prominent reactions by the Kirchnerite-friendly folks.

• Cabinet Chief Juan Manuel Abal Medina said the protesters were more concerned about what happens in Miami than in Argentina.

• Just like Abal Medina, Kirchnerite Florencio Varela mayor Julio Pereyra also condemned the cacerolazos because these are just rich people who care about themselves. Then he and his family hopped on a plane to Miami for some very much-deserved vacations. No, really.

• And he didn’t fly coach.

• Oh, but it’s OK, don’t judge. It was because he had promised his son he would take him to Disney World. See? So wrong of you to judge. And he’s right, you don’t want to pull a North Korea and have to deal with the corporate rage of Walt Disney.

• And finally, former human rights hero and current parody of herself Hebe de Bonafini said all those who banged their pots that night also supported a coup back in 1976 that left 30,000 people dead. Yes, even those who were born after 1990. I’m not sure how, but they did man, they did.

• Oh, and don’t think that those banging their pots were all level-headed citizens clamoring for a comprehensive change in Government policy either. As usual, there were those calling President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner a Nazi, those who say Argentina is turning into Cuba or Venezuela, and even those who cheerfully chanted, telling Cristina to “go join her (dead) husband.”

• It’s September 21st, which besides being “Spring Day”, in Argentina students also celebrate “Student’s Day“. In Buenos Aires, celebrations consist of going to the Palermo parks, getting completely drunk and beating the shit out of each other. Ah, to be young again.

• Remember when the Indec said that you could eat well for $6 a day and everyone went apeshit and started trashing the entire city because everyone knows that a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s costs like a trillion pesos? No, you don’t because according to Indec they never said that. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• You know how the media won’t stop talking about how dangerous Buenos Aires is becoming? A robbery here, a murder there? No, you don’t because according to Security Minister Nilda Garré “there has been no increase in crime” in the City. So there, case closed. Now shut up.

• Meanwhile, somewhere abroad: the International Monetary Fund (also known as the Evil Brotherhood of Doom) decided it has had enough of Argentina’s tomfoolery and unreliable statistics, and gave the country until December 17th to put its affairs in order. If we fail to do so… get ready kids! Because Argentina could become the first country ever to be censored by the centuries-old brotherhood. I have no idea what that means but it certainly can’t be good. I mean, have you ever seen the censored version of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? They suck.

•  This week, in our regular segment “Mother Nature is going to violently kill us all“: a terrible storm hit Uruguay, Paraguay and the Misiones province, and to a lesser extent the City and Greater Buenos Aires areas. Things in Uruguay got so bad that this is how people had to cross the streets in downtown Montevideo. Even Uruguayan president José Mujica, a natural-born altruist, was a victim of the strong winds after he got bitch-slapped in the face while he was trying to help a neighbor in need.

• You know how sometimes you hop on a bus and when you scan your SUBE card it turns out you don’t have enough money for the fare? The rational, civilized response to that predicament is to either make this face to the driver, or to suffer the embarrassment of having to step out of the bus while all the passengers boo you for wasting a couple of their precious seconds. Of course there’s now a third option, which consists of violently beating the shit out of the bus driver until he passes out and the bus drives into a building, hurting 30 people in the process. And yes, that happened.

• Sooooo… I really don’t want this column to be a total downer when it
  

  Uruguay's president badass. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  comes to the local public transportation system (even though it already is) but if you browse through the City’s 2013 Budget (I know you won’t), you will discover that the Subte system is nowhere to be found, which means that the buck stops here and there are no more subsidies for the Subway next year. What’s that? You don’t know why you should care about this? Because a single Subte ride will go up to $3.90 if the system is not subsidized, that’s why. Feeling miserable yet?

• Of course there’s also the worst case scenario.

• Great news, kids! The Evita bills have finally hit the streets! And what’s great about them is that $100 are not worth shit anymore, so you can totally keep them as a souvenir for when you decide to go back to whatever country you came from because your financial situation in this country has become unbearable. Then you can show it to all your friends and amaze them with an awe-inspiring story of that time you got mugged in San Telmo or that time you got mugged in Palermo.

• A long time ago, gang fights were resolved in a pretty gay manner, which was awesome because differences were worked out through interpretive dancing and no one got hurt. Maybe emotionally, but that’s it. But this new wave of violence has turned us all into bitter beings, no matter how much the networks try to shove Glee down our throats, and gangs have chosen a new venue to resolve their problems: a hospital’s emergency room. At least 25 people were involved in a violent gang fight in a hospital in Moreno which not only terrified the patients and staff but also ended with seven people injured and one gang member dead. So basically it was just like that scene in West Side Story, only less gay. Oh, yeah and with a dead guy after it was over.

• [UPDATE] A few minutes after I published this roundup, this happened. It’s official: God hates me.

• Here’s a good one: Guy riding motorcycle gets violently hit by van in Retiro. Guy just lies there on the asphalt, conscious but badly injured. Reporter shows up out of nowhere, starts shoving microphone on guy’s mouth, asks him Pulitzer-winning question: “How are you doing?”. Ambulance pulls up, stops next to guy. Reporter tells ambulance driver to hurry and help guy. Driver responds he’s just stopping at the red light, he’s got no time to help the guy because “he’s got another patient in the back.” Ambulance leaves. Guy continues to lie there while hungry feral dog starts circling guy. Segment continues live for five more minutes, ambulance never shows up. Segment ends. No one knows whether guy survived or was eaten by rabid dog. What’s that? You are hoping there’s video evidence of all this? Congrats, it’s your lucky day.

This morning, Senator Aníbal Fernández from the Frente Para la Victoria (FPV) commented on last Thursday’s anti-government march, blaming the protesters for a lack of judgement and making vague claims.

Last Thursday tens of thousands of people united in cities all around the country in the biggest anti-government street protests in years.  Armed with pots and pans they raged over President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner’s recent policies and rumours of the president standing for re-elections.

When asked to comment on the government’s response to the protest, Aníbal Fernández replied: “Respond to what? What are the requests?”

The senator and former cabinet chief said that last week’s protests were “assembled by professionals who used false identities to mobilise people” and that the people who came to raise a critique against the government “did not have a clear request”. He also criticised the “irresponsible” use of harsh accusations and direct threats to President Fernández.

He added that “echoes of their votes would last much longer than those from the rattling of pots,” and advised the people to “submit to a political party to compete with the government” if they are not content.

La Nacion wrote soon after the march that “claims were varied but had the same target: the national government”.

Members of the opposition showed support for the protests already in the build-up over social media.

Hermes Binner from the FAP said that people reacted to President Fernández’ announcement where she said people should be “afraid of God and of herself” and continued: “instead they dropped their fear and took to the streets”. “A reaction,” he says, “to a direct threat on democracy.”

Binner concluded that the government need to listen to the people’s demands or the protests will return with yet more force.

It’s Friday again!

And as the cognitive dissonance in both sides of the political spectrum continues to split the Argentine society into two big antagonist magnets, here comes the Weekly News Roundup (click there and like our Facebook page, yes?) trying to maintain a level-headed opinion, a resort purposely designed to piss you off.

So, in order to escape the sad fate of becoming a cliche, I’m actually not going to take a position on what happened last night and will let you, my loyal scholars, choose one for me.

We all know confirmation bias is what makes you pick a newspaper over another. Knowing that you will agree with what the paper says beforehand grants you a false sense of momentaneous security. You need someone to tell you that your opinions are indeed accurate and it’s the others who are wrong.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess.

So you know how I’m always saying this country is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book? I think it’s time we put that into practice:

• 

  Probably your hand. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  If you think President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is a hate-mongering “yegua” who deserves to be overthrown at all costs, proceed to the Anti-Government bullet point.

• If you think those repugnant Recoleta denizens are nothing but coup-mongers whose only concern is their inability to purchase US dollars and therefore deserve to die, proceed to the Pro-Government bulletpoint.

• Anti-Government rant: After years of unbearable oppressiveness and fearing the cold, metallic touch of Cristina’s iron fist, the destitute masses of Argentina finally made their voices heard and led a multitudinous, successful protest that spread all over the nation. People engaged in pot-banging activities (sounds like a junkie’s favorite sexual position but trust me, it’s not) to protest the current  administration and course-correct the destiny of this country before it is too late (click here for the Indy’s awesome photo gallery on the story). TN was the only news network brave enough to show the ramifications of such an astounding social protest while over 100,000 people from all social strata took to the streets of Buenos Aires to oppose the Government’s plans to turn this country into Cuba or Venezuela. Yeah, that’s what happened. Now repeat after me: Zurdos! Vagos! Chorros! Use those insults on random people and evaluate their reaction. If you don’t end up in a coma, let me know what you learned.

• Pro-Government rant: Absolutely nothing happened last night. In fact, if you tuned in Canal 7 (state-owned channel) they were showing a documentary on birds (not a joke). But if something had actually happened, I’m sure it wouldn’t have mattered. It was just a bunch of dollar-hungry, rich, greedy, fascist, lame-excuse-of-a -human-being people trying to overthrow godsend President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and her humble cabinet and replace them all with Emperor George W. Bush and Viceroy Queen Elizabeth II. Yeah, that’s what happened. Now repeat after me: Fachos! Cipayos! Gorilas! Use those insults on random people and evaluate their reaction. If you don’t end up in a coma, let me know what you learned.

• Also, if the Middle Class is looking to prove that their protests are legitimate, and that this is not related to the restrictions on the dollar, but is in response to the existing non-existing-inflation, the rise of criminal activities and Cristina’s unapologetic bullying attitude towards anyone who dares to dissent with her, let me just say that this is not helping.

• Oh, and neither does this.

• In case you’re wondering, “gatear” is what a female escort does. You’re welcome.

• Your favorite source for quotable information – besides this column – finally published an article on the ridiculous urban myth saying that you only need six pesos a day in order to eat in this country. Now, don’t get the Government wrong: their studies say that even though you can eat for such a risible amount of money, it still means you’re very poor. Let’s think of what we can buy with six pesos: a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s a can of tuna a super pancho a bottle of beer a salad a banana a bottle of water. Fuck it, I give up.

• Or you can move to the San Juan province, where in their little parallel universe that urban myth seems to be working just fine.

• At least the people in the cacerolazo protests get to make fun of it.

•  The average hard-working man continues to be ostracized and vilified by the system, as now due to the severe government restrictions in the currency exchange market sector, PayPal Argentina has announced that it is disabling all transactions between domestic accounts. It seems locals, smart as they are, had found a way to bypass the restrictions and withdraw dollars in the US from their accounts in Argentina. And since this probably makes the AFIP tax agency sad, PayPal decided to react accordingly against the seven Argentines who actually know what PayPal is.

• Oh and don’t worry expats, foreign transactions are still active. So your parents can still transfer money into your local accounts. Stop whining.

• This one’s for you, girls: You know how your parents always warn you about checking your drinks when going out because of the rape drug? Well now you have something else to fear when drinking that tasty caipirinha. In the city of Santa Fe, a girl suffered severe internal burns after a bartender mistook dry Lye for sugar and put it in her drink. Smart move, bartender! “I’ll just leave this acid that looks like sugar right next to the actual sugar.” It’s like the Itchy & Scratchy show, only less original.

• Did you guys have fun last Sunday afternoon pretending that controlling your breathing for fifteen minutes in Palermo was somehow going to change your life for the better? Well I’m glad you did. But you know who didn’t have a good time though? Your very own (im)personal guru and messiah of meditation, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, who was questioned by the AFIP tax agency as he was trying to escape leave the country.

• Also, if the more than 100,000 people who spent last Sunday afternoon relaxing in the park are the same who four days later were foaming at the mouth because of the Government policies, then not to be a party pooper but whatever it is you did to relax didn’t actually work.

• Remember disgraced boxer Rodrigo “Hiena” Barrios, who in 2010 caused an accident while driving inebriated in
  

  You'll never look at a caipirinha the same way again. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Mar del Plata and ended the life of a pregnant woman and her unborn child? It turns out that as he appeals his four-year sentence, a local court decided to give him back his driver’s license. I mean, come on, it’s not like the guy did it on purpose! He was drunk! You can’t blame him for that! Oh, but the public outrage was too much, so the Government decided to ban him from sitting behind a wheel again, and all of this in just one day! So now he is forced to hop on the bus completely drunk and sit on his own vomit until he gets home, just like the rest of us (expect for the killing part).

• Check your calendars, everyone! Because 2010 is making a comeback and it ain’t pretty. You see, the once invincible Dancing With The Stars is suddenly tanking in the ratings, and Marcelo Tinelli is not happy. It seems that after a 6-year slumber, the Argentine population has said “Enough!” to cheap scandals and mediocre dancing and begun changing to channel to happier, more preppy story lines, like the hit show of the moment “Graduados,” which is like Beverly Hills 90210, only worse (and I’m not talking about the recent series reboot, I’m talking about the original one. Seriously, who could you watch that crap?). In a desperate attempt to regain his squandered glory, Tinelli decided to bring back current nemesis and former pariah Ricardo Fort, who was exultant to retake the place he was fired from two years ago, even if only for a day. So in all honesty I’m not really sure what this post is all about. I just wanted you to know that Bailando por un Sueño is losing big, and it feels really good. The only way they’ll ever have another peak in the ratings is by bringing on stage some huge international star like, I don’t know, Madonna.

• DAMN IT!!!!

• And in case you haven’t been following Ricardo Fort’s recent incursions into the realm of legitimate musical theater, here he is doing The Lion King and Jesus Christ Superstar. You’re welcome to decide which one is more offensive.

• No, yeah, definitely the Jesus one.

• Also, thank God for this.

• And by the way, someone needs to edit the Graduados Wikipedia page in English. That thing is a mess.

• [Warning: shameless plug coming up] Before we finish, have you RSVP’d to attend our Buenos Aires Underground Market event tomorrow? We’re all going to be there sampling food and drinking like crazy, so why not join us for a while? It starts at noon and finishes at 5 pm. You have no excuse. [End of shameless plug].

• I know, I’m such a corporate whore.

• Have you noticed how I haven’t talked much about football lately? Either nothing is happening (unlikely) or I’m not paying enough attention (pretty likely). Whatever the case may be, here you go:

• This is hardly news because it happens every day, but one of the leaders of the Independiente hooligans has been shot. Now, that link is four days old so I’m not sure if he made it or not. Honestly I’m having brunch in an hour and can’t be bothered to find out. You figure it out yourself, mk? Consider it homework.

• Argentina gave us a lackluster performance in a game against Peru this week, which according to my sources (Wikipedia) was a World Cup qualifying match. The game ended 1-1 and everyone engaged in some fun, harmless homophobic behavior, with a fake photo of Lionel Messi telling Peruvians to go “eat it” via Twitter and some Peruvian player I never heard of calling him and Gonzalo Higuaín “little girls.” Whatever.

• No wonder I never talk about football.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

Argentines gathered in various locations throughout the country last night to express their frustrations with the administration of Cristina Fernández de Kirchner. Among the main demands were fewer restrictions on currency exchange, no to constitutional reform, easing trade restrictions, and a reduction of crime and general corruption. In Buenos Aires, people congregated at the intersections of Corrientes and Pueyrredón and Santa Fe and Callao and then descended to meet at Plaza de Mayo. While chaotic,  emphatic, and noisy, there was no violence. Photographers Ande Wanderer, Beatrice Murch, Diego Espinosa, Madeleine Decker and Marc Rogers share their photos with you here.

Tens of thousands of people have joined anti-government marches around the country, with Argentines marching for “security, liberty, and justice”. The protests, known as cacerolazos, due to the tradition of banging pots and pans, began at 8pm in a number of cities.

The biggest demonstration took place in Buenos Aires, where marches started from different points around the capital, arriving at Plaza de Mayo and the Casa Rosada where numbers are said to have topped 200,000, according to unofficial figures.

Banners could be seen which included demands against “insecurity” and the possibility of President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner standing for re-election. There were also petitions for greater transparency in official statistics on things such as inflation, and the lifting of restrictions on access to dollars.

Protests also took place in the cities of Córdoba, Rosario, Mar del Plata, Bariloche, and Mendoza, among others.

The effort to mobilise Argentines into marching on 13th September began a number of weeks ago on social networks such as Facebook and Twitter.

It’s Friday again!

And springtime is just two weeks away!

Which is a good thing, considering that this past weekend your face absorbed some much-needed UV rays and got a wonderful tan that only two days later made you look like an idiot because a cold front reminded us all that we are still in the middle of winter.

Give it a few more weeks and you’ll be able to get tanned without regrets.

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook in order to receive weekly updates about stuff.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, a guy you just heard of two days ago yet now you're his greatest fan. Also not Jesus. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Is it OK to start with porn? I mean let’s face it, every newspaper in this country has tits and ass on the front page. There’s no reason to be squeamish, although if you’re easily offended by blatant displays of self-pleasuring activities, you should probably skip the next bullet point altogether. It is very NSFW. You have been warned. Also, I’d like to read your thoughts about what’s coming next. So feel free to comment below.

• Oh, no they didn’t! But yes, they absolutely did. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner (as well as the 54% of this country’s population) is probably not amused by the latest stunt pulled by Miami-based Argento-Venezuelan rock band The Rockadictos, who either artfully or disrespectfully (that’s up to you) decided to feature our beloved Head of State on their latest controversial music video. The clip – shot in ‘comic mode’ – depicts Cristina as a clamor-hungry charismatic leader who finds herself overflowing with the eroticism of power and decides to vent the pressure building up inside of her in the only way she can. *rolls eyes* Yes, masturbation. Is it disrespectful? Maybe, although personally I don’t give a shit. Is it art? I’m not sure. Is it a desperate call for attention by a band that most of us never heard of before and is looking to spike their sales on iTunes? You bet. Whatever it is, it made it to the cover of Noticias. Well played, Rockadictos. Well played.

• Oh, and I almost forgot. US president Barack Obama is also involved in this upbeat tale of erotica, although not in the way you expect him to be, which is kind of a disappointment.

• Moving on to less relevant things: boy, were the anti-Kirchnerites pissed this week. The Cadena Nacional controversy hit the fan a few days ago when Cristina’s television omnipresence got in the way of Dancing With The Stars / Graduados / [Insert name of favorite TV show here]. For those of you slow learners, the Cadena Nacional is when all broadcast networks interrupt their programming to show a live presidential speech. Many presidents have resorted to this when they needed to address the nation in the past,  but Cristina, like her Venezuelan compadre, is in love with it and may be slightly abusing it. And this of course had half of the Argentine population in an irate state, something I’m sure you’ve noticed by taking a glance at your Facebook/Twitter timelines recently. Last Monday, however, she crossed the line. In order to celebrate Industry Day which, yes, is as boring as it sounds, not only she interrupted everyone’s dinners, she also gave the most boring speech in the history of boring speeches. In her 60-minute soliloquy she didn’t yell, she didn’t laugh, she didn’t make a joke, she didn’t scold any of her minions. She just talked about industry stuff, which we all know sucks because it’s not tits and ass. Seriously, I dare you to watch that. It’s like being forced to sit through the training video of a cement company in Scottsbluff, Nebraska.

• So if you want to know why there was an impromptu cacerolazo last Monday night, that’s why. It wasn’t the restrictions on the dollar, it wasn’t the rampant inflation or the overall sense of collapse blanketing society as we speak. No, ladies and gentlemen. It was the inability to enjoy Dancing With The Stars. A doomed nation, we are.

• This traumatizing ordeal has of course left the anti-Kirchnerite mind in shambles and with the need to sleep with the lights on, for which they have once again galvanized behind a Facebook page to conduct a nationwide cacerolazo on Thursday the 13th. Just like the question-marked face of Anonymous, the cacerolazo movement has no leader, no bellwether leading the masses to reclaim the Plaza de Mayo from the sharp, raptor-like claws of the Kirchnerite reich. But people are going, man, they are going. And this time they don’t even need to carry a dirty frying pan sporting the unconsumed leftovers of omelettes past. Just like technology has saved countless lives in the Arab spring demonstrations or the jungles of Burma, the iPhone is here to make your case heard.

• The AFIP tax agency continues marching into dark territory as it expands yet once more its already Orwellian attributes. As you probably know, whenever Argentines return from their little orgasmic trip to the first world and come face to face with the Ezeiza gatekeepers, they are expected to show any electronic device that they may have shamelessly acquired in the land of happiness. If you paid more than 300 US dollars for your un-Argentine piece of machinery, then you are to be charged with 50% of its original price in concept of your treasonous activities. Why do you think whenever you foreigners leave temporarily you are always asked to bring back iPods, iPads, iPhones, iMacs and more iPods? This is why. And get ready, because it’s about to get worse, since the AFIP will now go through everyone’s purchases abroad to see if they “forgot” to declare a little trip to the Apple store. Stalin would be proud.

•  The problem here is not that they are forcing everyone to pay their fair share of taxes, the problem is their “guilty until proven innocent” attitude. Let me put it this way: if the AFIP were in charge of solving a murder case in CSI: Miami, the first suspect (who’s usually a red herring) would get the death penalty within the first ten minutes of the episode, turning this show into an even more tedious experience than it already was. Think Horatio Cane is a douche? Picture Ricardo Echegaray delivering one of those cringing closing lines with a strong Argentine accent. “Avoid the tax? You get the axe.”

• Oh my God! I just used a bullet point with the sole purpose of expressing a personal opinion! Does this… does this mean I’m changing the rules?!

• No. Shut up.

• I forgot to mention that the AFIP also announced that only state-run banks are now allowed to offer currency exchange services at the Ezeiza airport. Sorry, currency exchange operators. I guess your business truly is a dying art. You can join the mime artists union and share stories of the good old days together.

• Let’s change the subject. Let’s talk about the Malvinas/Falklands conflict, which I haven’t mentioned in like two weeks and I already feel like I miss those guys.

• [DANGER] The legislative assembly of the Malvinas/Falklands has
  

  Shut up, you guys. This isn't porn, OK? It's a tasteful display of the female anatomy that is in no way done in order to attract more clicks. If you don't believe me, ask InfoBAE. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  confirmed that they will carry a referendum on the islands to let the population officially say whether they wish to remain British or not. (Spoiler alert: the result will be a resounding “FUCK, YEAH”). The historic yet irrelevant vote will take place in March 2013 and will change absolutely nothing because Argentina has already said they will cover their ears and go la-la-la-la-la-la when the islanders read the result out loud.

• God, the sexual tension between these two countries is soooooooo strong. Just make out already.

• The government continues to inch closer to totalitarianism as it has now decided to cancel a tender that it had put out for companies to operate 25% of the mobile phone frequencies in Argentina. Remember the Patriot Act? Well, this is pretty much the same thing.

• Great news everyone! The National Government has announced that it will not put up to tender a 25% of the 3G network. Planning Minister Julio De Vido has insisted that “it is not a state takeover,” which of course means it totally is.

• The Buenos Aires Government has finally decided to catch up with the 00′s and announced that it will offer free Wi-Fi services inside the city’s public libraries. Which is great for the 78-year-old librarian working there. The rest of you fucks who haven’t set foot in a library since 2002 couldn’t care less about this.

• Also, September 24th has officially been declared a one-time holiday, which means you kids get another long weekend to engage in absolute mischief. I already explained why it’s being declared a holiday, but in case you didn’t pay attention the last time, here it is again.

• Yeah, you just got RickRoll’d. You should have paid attention the last time I explained it, bitch.

• Also, RickRolling is so 2010. I disgust myself.

• We all know that even though Argentina and the UK have to hots for each other, there’s no point denying that this country’s true love is the US and that’s why it hates it so much. If you examine the local customs you will find that everyone is dying to be just like Ross and Rachel in that awesome -yet suspiciously affordable- Manhattan apartment. So whenever we hear that someone in this country decided to extrapolate American pop culture to  the Pampas, we hardly find it strange anymore. Starbucks is as Argentine as dulce de leche. This time, however, things may be different since some disturbed teenager decided he wanted to imitate the Batman thing. And by “thing” I don’t mean “becoming a douchy-voiced caped crusader”, I mean slaughtering a lot of people in a movie theater. You know how teens like Justin Bieber or Big Time Rush? Well, this guy likes James Holmes, so he decided he wanted to shoot an audience. Fortunately his plans were foiled though, and now he sucks.  ”Where was this?” you say? I’m surprised you need to ask: the land of terror and despair, otherwise known as Salta.

• Remember last week when I mentioned how the Chubut police had
  

  James Holmes, who totally creeps me out. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  declared open season on seagulls and they received an immediate international backlash for its reprehensible attitude towards the provincial fauna? It seems that the force has had a change of heart and decided that it does love animals after all. And what better way to express that they are OK with zoophilia than a racy photo shoot involving scantily-clad girls and horses from the mounted police?  Classy stuff. Really classy stuff. She looks like Xena: Warrior Princess only sluttier. Look out boys, she’s single!

• Signing a contract with Dancing With The Stars in 3… 2… 1…

• Finally Argentina is first at something, and that is the relatively enviable honor of being the country that spends the most time on Facebook. Hey, it could be worse. It could be MySpace.

• Ah, now here’s a guy that deserves a medal. Francisco, a Colombian cashier working at the La Pasiva restaurant, on Corrientes Av. 1700, refused to be robbed and decided to beat the shit out of the gun-toting criminal that was threatening to kill him. Well done, Francisco. I believe you’re dangerously insane, but well done nonetheless.

• Alright, kids. Let’s have a talk, come sit. *pats bed* Can you explain to me who Sri Sri Ravi Shankar is and why you’re so interested in him, specially when you didn’t even know he existed three hours ago? I know there’s this whole “Fevida” thing going on this weekend in which 100,000 people are expected to come out and learn how to meditate, but gimme a break. His face is plastered all over town, he’s present on every TV show and he has been trending on Twitter for the last four days. Can somebody please explain it to me? He’s almost as big as Jesus. He even looks like Jesus! Is this spiritual leader one to be tru…- Oh, we knew this was coming.

• Last but not least: either the media is desperate to see Juan Martín del Potro and Andy Roddick engaging in gay porn, or there really is something going on between these two. As Juan Martín managed to beat Andy Roddick at the US Open this week, they both melted in a warm embrace and touched each other awkwardly to celebrate that this was the American tennis player’s last game of his career. What follows is their heartbreaking goodbye, according to the media present there: here, here, here and here.  And my personal favorite, which I have labeled “I will miss your face so much.”

• Oh and please don’t send me those lengthy emails explaining how they were “just being friendly” and that there’s nothing wrong with two guys expressing their fondness for each other. I know that. It’s a joke. I believe Del Potro demonstrated to be a hell of a sportsman. So stop. Please just stop.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.