It’s Friday again!

And I’m back!

Yes, I know you missed me (actually I know you didn’t) but worry not my loyal readers, I am back in town and refreshed and ready to report on everything that happened in the last week plus a few tidbits from the week before that were just too awesome to have them banished to the land of obliviousness.

And like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook in order to receive weekly updates about stuff.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Move over Hollywood (and Palermo Hollywood), there's a new attention whore in town and it will be called Puerto Madero Hollywood, maybe. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This week President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner announced the creation of a new audiovisual district located on the southern tip of Puerto Madero. Her goal, as she put it, is to create the South American answer to Hollywood and become the regional mecca of film making. The presentation video is nothing short of impressive and it shows that it is indeed an ambitious project that if finished will revolutionize Argentina by positioning it as a global power player in the movie market. It’s going to be the pinnacle of the Latin American film industry, a majestic scene filled with thriving businesses and fountains and children and powerful beams of light diving into the darkness of the deep space. It’s going to be amazing!!

• Then again, maybe not.

• During her speech, she also said the reason why she loves architecture so much is because in a past life she was probably a great Egyptian architect. I will not comment on this one and let you leave your thoughts below for a change. Ready, set, go.

• No, wait. Finish the column, then comment.

• The Government and the opposition are once again butting heads over a controversial bill that looks to lower the voting age to 16 and… [INSERT DRAMATIC PAUSE HERE] let foreigners vote! Hurray for democracy! I mean, I’m sure you won’t vote because you couldn’t care less, but still! Knowing that we are actually being considered is good for our ego. If the bill is passed you will need to officially be a permanent resident and live for at least two years in Argentina before you get to cast your ballot. Again, not that you care.

• Great news! Since most of you drunks keep forgetting to refill your SUBE card and always end up fist fighting the bus driver because he won’t take you to Palermo for free at 3 AM, the National Government has now ordered a $7.50 additional credit that you can use to pay with if your card has no money in it.  Way to go, drunks.

• Even greater news! After much negotiation and backroom meetings, Argentina’s flagship airline Aerolíneas Argentinas was accepted as a member of the SkyTeam global alliance. What does this mean? I’m not sure, but apparently more connecting flights and a new VIP lounge in Ezeiza that I bet my life you will never be allowed to set foot in. Yay!

• No wait, here comes the US to ruin the celebrations.

• Remember Mark Sanford? No, of course you don’t. Mr. Sanford was the governor of South Carolina who went “hiking the Appalachian trail” a few years ago, only to later find out he was actually visiting his mistress in Argentina. Still don’t? It’s OK, I don’t blame you, the Weekly News Roundup did not exist back then. Anyway, despite the public embarrassment and creating a new entry in the American vernacular, Sandorf announced six days ago that he is engaged to his Argentine lover. Were I not a cynical, love-hating bastard, I would say that once again love prevailed. Unfortunately, I am. So no.

• In totally awesome news (the kind that make the conservative movement stab itself with a crucifix), as kids in the Flores N°23 school returned to class after the winter break, they found out that their chess teacher Jorge had turned into Melisa. Other teachers supported his decision to finally become what he always wanted to be, some parents were horrified by his courage to defy the status quo and the majority of children probably didn’t give a shit, mostly because chess is boring. Congratulations Melisa, be happy.

• I always knew those seemingly harmless animation films you go see despite not having any kids (or go see without kids despite having them) were in reality a propaganda machine dedicated to indoctrinating those ranking below humans in the Darwinian food chain. In another case of animals following the terrible example set by that inappropriate movie “Madagascar” (the first case being this one), a lioness escaped from the San Juan zoo after some douche left the cage door open. After the zoo authorities realized she was missing, the terrified neighbors rushed home to escape the menacing, blood-thirsty beast, who obviously responded to the name “Simba”. So yeah, not only they are completely devoid of originality, they also named her after a male character in The Lion King. Nice. Anyway, Simba was strutting down the area, minding her own business when the so-called “Ecological Police”  spotted her and enacted their carefully developed plans to bring her back to her cage. So they shot her with a tranquilizer dart to calm her down. Then they shot her with another one, just in case. And another one. Then she finally collapsed and fell asleep so everyone could… – oops, they killed her.

• Speaking of killing animals, you know how those pesky seagulls are always gutting whales and hurling their insides all over the ocean, traumatizing little Timmy for good and ruining everyone’s whale watching experience? No? The Chubut province does, and it has enacted a brilliant plan to get… – Oh, Gawker beat me to it.

•  The scandal surrounding the controversial and pro-Cristina youth activist group La Campora continues, as detractors compare it to the Hitler Youth (which is false) and supporters compare it to the Boy Scouts (which is also false). So after several claims that the group was “brainwashing” school children and indoctrinating them with Kirchnerite mantras, the City Government decided to take action by setting up a 0-800 number that you can use to denounce La Cámpora activities. Too bad such a move is blatantly illegal, so a judge had no choice but to intercede.

• Also, in case you care to know, articulate and omnipresent Kirchnerite senator Aníbal Fernández addressed the toll-free number controversy by telling Mayor Macri to “shove the fascist 0-8000 number up his fucking ass.”  Insightful and powerful words coming from the mustache man himself. Hopefully we will all sit back and reflect after this.

• There’s a new minimum wage in Argentina, and no matter how much you complain, it’s still not enough to get yourself and iPad.

• Also, if you’re one of the few lucky bastards who get to travel abroad, any purchase you make with your credit card will be charged a 15% income tax advance. If you think that’s kind of a convoluted scheme, don’t worry, you’re supposed to.

•  Of course Argentina was going to find a way to make the death of Neil Armstrong all about her. Sure, the great American hero may have claimed ownership of the moon by sticking the US flag there and leaving it for good, but you know which flag also landed on the moon that day? This one. Suck on that, USSR!

• A dangerous 23-year-old pedophile that had been on the FBI’s target list for a long time was finally arrested. “Where?” you say? Where else! Salta, obvio.

• Ready for the latest viral sensation that spreading all over Latin America like a weaponized strain of Ebola? Then put on your dancing shoes and leave your chair, because once you are hypnotized by the over-confident charm of Colibritany you will never be able to stop jumping up and down and shaking your body like an idiot. Colibritany (yeah, that’s her stage name) is turning 15 next month, and she is offering the Quinceañera party of a lifetime. In order to do so, she has carefully crafted a video invite targeting anyone in the world who has access to You Tube, announcing in the process that she’s looking for her “sexy chambelán.” Now, I have no idea what a sexy chambelán is because I’m lazy and I couldn’t be bothered to look it up, but I assume she’s looking for a guy to hook up with [UPDATE: It's actually the guy escorting the birthday girl as she enters the party]. I don’t know what’s more diabetes-inducing: the Twilight paraphernalia, her armpit-shaving, the pink Hummer, praising that her dad got her some earrings in thirteen payments (zero interest!) or when she vows to let her date go “south of the equator”. Did I mention she’s fourteen? OK. Just checking. So if for some reason you have lots of money and are crazy enough to attend Colibritany’s Quinceañera celebration, it’s on September 18th. in some place called “Jardines de Cocoyoc” (country undisclosed, but I suspect Mexico). Oh, and if you need directions it is “right across from the Wal*Mart”. At least that’s what the video says. Make you sure you Instagram the shit out of that thing.

• I may have been gone for two weeks, but Dancing With The Starswas not.
  

  American hero and probably Argentine citizen Neil Armstrong. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  And their crazy shenanigans continued to mar the screen with desperate attempts for ratings and hilarious (in a not-funny way) stunts, such as bringing out a cow on stage and watching it urinate all over the dance floor or forcing a septuagenarian guy try a sexy move over the kitchen counter only to gracefully plummet to the (probably still urinated) floor, cracking his skull in the process. Oh, Argentine TV. I have missed you.

• Speaking of other relevant news, you know how finally joined Twitter? Marcelo Tinelli, Argentine TV legend and current Dancing With The Stars host, not that you care. Obviously he was soon hacked by what I suspect was a cheeky teenager, since of all the relevant topics the hacked could have addressed by momentarily sequestering such an important platform, he chose to go with: “Hi. I’m gay.” Sigh.

• Yes, that is badass sword-wielding Viggo Mortensen starring in the new Argentine film “Todos Tenemos Un Plan.” In case you didn’t know, he spent his childhood here and speaks perfect Argentine Spanish. Which means that, just like Neil Armstrong, he is also Argentine.

• Nouveau riche and village idiot Mariana Nannis is my new unconventional hero. Sure, I vilify her for spawning Charlotte Chantal and Alex, the children of the corn gone wrong. But despite her severe flaws, her gigantic stupidity makes me laugh. You see, rumor has it that the Nannis clan is broke and all those displays of endless glamour are nothing but a front as they try to milk money out of wherever they can. A few weeks ago, she denounced that $300,000 dollars had disappeared from her hotel room in the Faena and demanded compensation (smart move, Mrs. Nannis, *wink, wink*). Unfortunately she forgot about the tough AFIP agency and its army of dollar-smelling  dogs, who immediately demanded she explains where that money came from since she failed to declare any foreign currency upon her arrival to Argentina last May. Anyway, long story short she’s now a fugitive and had to escape hidden in the trunk of a car. Ha! I told you she was my hero.

• And speaking of people who are over the hill, remember local diva and international criminal Moria Casán? It seems Paraguay has confirmed its request to extradite her and take her to trial there since she’s suspected of stealing a very expensive necklace. Moria, however, doesn’t care and is currently performing in a play in which she gets to make out with her daughter (as in her actual daughter). Oh, lighten up. It’s a play. If it’s any consolation they don’t get to have sex.

• The local Spanish-speaking media, so savvy and polyglot, spent all Thursday making fun of a Carlos Tévez interview in which he, as usual, struggles to speak English in front of the cameras.  You know what, local media? Shut the fuck up. The guy is brave enough to stand there and fend-off questions in a different language, and I’m sure most of those idiots giggling in front of the cameras couldn’t answer half of the questions he was asked.

• Yes, I just defended a football player. Whatever.

• OK, now you can comment on Cristina’s “great Egyptian architect” statement.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

It’s Friday, and it may be my last.

WE’RE AT WAR WITH SPAIN!!!!

Well, no. We’re not. But I’m a sucker for hyperbole.

There are dark clouds in the horizon, my friends. In the last few days I have had to endure many hardships, with people continuously asking me where I stand on this bilateral conflict that has Spain and Argentina at odds.

My position, of course, is that if you’re stupid enough to believe that the fate of an oil company should be the cause for two kindred nations to start hating each other, then there’s no point in arguing with you.

Still, as the violence and xenophobia against my kind continues to rise due to the President’s recent announcement, I have to warn you all that very soon I could be extraordinary renditioned to the Martín García Island and never to be heard from again for a couple of weeks.

This is what you need to know before I’m Guantanamoed:

• 

  Many young people on Facebook proudly supported the President's decision by replacing their embarrassing profile photo with the YPF logo, which is even more embarrassing because they are young people expressing support for an oil company. (Image/Wikipedia)

  Well, it happened. The worst case scenario finally became a reality, and it has unleashed a political shit storm of dire consequences: in a surprise press conference last Monday, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner announced her decision to expropriate YPF, Argentina’s largest oil company, from Spanish oil giant Repsol YPF, who had purchased it back in 1999 (now don’t worry, I’m not going to make it very complicated. I’m gonna dumb it down for you, in my usual fashion, so you can go to bed tonight with a smile on your face, feeling smart.)

• So basically Argentina accused Repsol YPF of not investing enough in exploration and exploitation of oil reserves in Argentina, which caused fuel imports in the country to double. Hence, the Government decided it was time to expropriate the company. Case closed.

• As the President sends the expropriation bill to Congress, the rest of the world is fuming: Spain, France, the UK, Belgium (actually the entire EU), and to a lesser extent for motives that remain uncertain, the US. Brazil and Venezuela have praised the decision, but Colombia and Bolivia have been more cautious and politely distanced themselves from this mess.

• Former President and current political pariah Carlos Menem, who masterminded Argentina’s State Reform Law (a late 80s bill that called for “smaller government” and advocated for the privatization of many state-owned companies, including YPF), has already said he will vote in favor of the expropriation in the Senate (he’s a senator now, you see. He is also like 140 years old). “I know they will criticize me heavily for this, but they should understand that times have changed since I privatized it.” Well, that is true, but the fact remains he is still responsible for one of the most infamous decades in recent Argentine history. You like Cristina’s hijinx? You would have loved this guy. After all, this is the President who back in 1995 announced that Argentina would soon have a “space flight system” that would allow Argentines to take a rocket to space so they could be in Japan in like three hours or something. No, he really did!

• Right in the epicenter of this political shit storm is the new rising star of Argentine politics: Deputy Minister Axel Kicillof. A power player so recent that he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page yet. Mr. Kicillof, as any other respectable La Cámpora member, has a huge sense of entitlement. He’s loud, he’s rude, he’s angry and he doesn’t wear a tie because he wants you to know he’s against the establishment. He also looks like he’s 25 years old even though he’s 41 (which seems to be a turn on for Argentine girls) and is a fucking brilliant orator. So the establishment, obviously horrified because he wouldn’t wear a tie, decided to target him violently. Vanity Fair Spain says he has “hypnotized Cristina” (you know, like Rasputin), and the Financial Times describes him as “a baby-faced Marxist economist with Elvis sideburns who does not appear to own a tie.” Aha! I told you the tie thing would piss them off. Such squares, these people.

• Unfortunately the whole YPF brouhaha completely overshadowed last Saturday’s meeting between US president Barack Obama and Cristina in Cartagena, Colombia during the Summit of the Americas. In said meeting, Obama reassured Cristina that no matter what kind of fuckery Argentina gets involved in, the bilateral friendship is above it all. So Cristina, apparently encouraged by Obama’s de facto license to mischief, returned to Argentina and expropriated YPF.

• The meeting also produced a photograph that sparked many comments around the web, since  it’s hard to tell what the hell is going on there. Is Obama taking her temperature? Is he checking to see if the baby is kicking? I would totally play one of those stupid “Caption the photo” contests but I really don’t feel like it.

•  By the way, remember that whole thing about the Malvinas/Falklands that we kept going back to every Friday for months before this whole thing exploded? Yeah, me neither.

• OK, so let’s say that you are a councilman in the small, uneventful Misiones town of La Candelaria (Population: really, really close to zero), and one day you decide you don’t like it when a journalist is all over your face, demanding you tell the truth about something. So the most civilized reaction to his annoying behavior is to beat the shit out of him, naturally. Wait until the 2:23 mark for hilarity to ensue.

• Oh my God! La Candelaria already has a Wikipedia page! In your face Deputy Minister Axel Kicillof! See? And people say violence never leads to anything. Tell that to the people of La Candelaria. One day no one knows you’re alive, then you kick someone’s ass and BAM! You’re on Wikipedia. Well played, people. Well played.

• And not to freak anyone out, but people are being assassinated in broad daylight in Recoleta now.

• By the way, that last comment WAS A JOKE. Please don’t start freaking out, saying that it is now “unsafe” to be walking down the streets of Buenos Aires. Initial reports suggest the victim was a Colombian citizen with ties to drug trafficking, so it seems he was gunned down by a hitman. See? Nothing to worry. Unless you are in the drug trafficking business. In that case, worry.

• Consider this to be the straw that broke the camel’s llama’s back: remember how in the last few months Salta‘s reputation as a “safe, tourist-friendly” province has been wavering due to a series of grizzly murders, rapes and attempted rapes against female visitors? Well, you can now add another female victim to the body count after authorities unearthed the body of a woman near tourist hot spot Cafayate on Thursday. What’s worse, they believe the body may belong to missing María Cash, who mysteriously disappeared in Salta last year and was never heard from again despite her family’s impressive nationwide campaign to find her. So I’m being serious now: if you’re planning on going to Salta, do not wander off alone into the wild. Or an even better idea: do not go to Salta alone.

• You know what? Fuck it, just don’t go to Salta. Period.

• If you’re wondering why last Tuesday the Obeliskwas sporting a
  

  Fun fact: Did you know that Björk's real name is actually Björk? You did? Well, I didn't. I thought it was just a made up name. You know, like Cher. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  confusing yellowish/orangish color (I know you’re not),  then don’t worry. There’s a perfect explanation for that, and it is that apparently last Tuesday was Malbec World Day (?). Sorry, City Government! But not only you fucked up big time because that color looked nothing like wine red, also it doesn’t matter what kind of stunt you pull out of your ass, nothing will be able to top December 2005 when the former administration decided to turn the Obelisk into a giant condom. They were simpler times back then.

• Are you excited about going to see Björk tomorrow night at GEBA? Well you shouldn’t, because she cancelled. Sorry!

• Also, were you aware she has been performing in Buenos Aires this whole month? Because I had no idea! Although in all honesty I really don’t care that much about her singing. All I remember about her is that song where she shooshed everyone and that time in Bangkok when she went apeshit on a reporter and beat her senseless. Just like that councilman from La Candelaria! The only difference is that Bangkok is already a relatively well-known city around the world, so beating that woman up didn’t really amount to anything.

•  Oh, football. What would I do without you? I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but you’re just too adorable for me to hate on you. Sometimes you provide so much comedic value that if you were a tangible being instead of a stupid, excruciatingly boring concept I would hold you against my chest and never let you go. Let’s take a look at what people who passionately follow the football have been doing this week, shall we?

• After a match between Boca Juniors and Club Atletico Tigre, some Tigre fans decided it would be neat to go insult all the Boca players when they were leaving the stadium on their super luxurious Boca Juniors bus. After all, Tigre had been defeated and we all know there’s nothing more cathartic than telling people you don’t like to go fuck themselves. But, alas! The Boca players took the insults personally and decided that the most rational, coherent thing to do in that conundrum was to get off the bus and start beating the shit out of everyone. The result? One of the players ended up with two broken fingers. So smart, these guys.

• No, I will not make another La Candelaria-related joke. Shut up.

• Let’s say your favorite team (in this case Racing) lost 4 to 1 in the previous match. When the time for the next game comes, how do you welcome those brave fellas who week after week leave their lives in the field just to provide you lazy, beer-drinking fucks with 90 minutes of idiotic entertainment? Well, isn’t it obvious? You douse them with a rain of crutches, of course! Because calling them “crippled” is not enough. No, you want to hit them in the head with those heavy metal poles and literally cripple them to make a point, right?

• You know what, I changed my mind again. Fuck football.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono