It’s Friday again!

And here I am, hungover after being stuffed with turkey for hours courtesy of my American friends who kindly made me a part of their imperialist celebration (shout out to Anish and Will for an awesome meal. I love you guys. Also let me know when you find my pants).

And while their cultural dominance has begun spreading its tentacles on Argentina like a menacing squid ready to choke the life out of the traditional local meals, I have to admit that that turkey was freaking awesome.

Anyway, get ready to enjoy the long weekend (it’s a holiday on Monday, remember?) while I go curl in a fetal position and engage in some self-hating activities as punishement for eating so much. Oh and while you’re at it like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so you can keep up with random, useless information during the week.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Here is a vulture fund waiting for Argentina to drop dead so it can go pick on its carcass. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Well, it happened. After many years of comings and goings in Argentina’s fight with “holdout” bond investors (also known as “vulture funds“), New York Judge Thomas Griesa (pictured here) ruled in favour of bondholders and ordered our beloved South American nation to pay $1.3 billion dollars by December 15th.

• Now I know you don’t know/care about any of this because it’s about the economy and as we all know reading about the economy sucks because it’s boring and there are no pictures involved (charts don’t count). But this is kind of a big deal because it could send the country into technical default (the impounding of the ship in Ghana is directly related to this) so I suggest you at least read through this Wikipedia entry to understand a little bit more about what’s happening. If after reading you still don’t get it then unfortunately there’s nothing I can do. You’re on your own.

• Going back to the ruling: Argentina called Griesa’s move an example of “judicial colonialsm” and vowed to appeal, saying it’s ready to take the case all the way up to the US Supreme Court.

• See? Now that you know what this whole mess is about, don’t you feel a little bit better about yourself?

It’s Friday again!

And before you start reading, let me kindly suggest that you go get your news somewhere else.

No, I’m not kidding. I’m serious. Go read about something that really matters, like how your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s zodiacal sign means he/she is prone to infidelity.

Because honestly, there’s not much to read here this week. Everything you read will basically redirect you to two things: either the Malvinas/Falklands conflict or football.

And quite frankly, I think you and I have had enough of that.

So this week I had to face an impossible decision: either I didn’t write the column in order to let the Government know that this inherent lack of tomfoolery is like slamming my fired up creativity into a cold, refreshing pool of water, or I wrote it anyway and waited for the hate mail to start pouring in.

“You always talk about the same thing, man!”

You know what I mean.

So, after cogitating for some time about professionalism and respect for my loyal readers, I understandably took the high road and decided to tell you all to go fuck yourselves and go out for a beer.

So now I’m hung over and, for some reason, still writing this column even though I originally decided against it.

I was going somewhere with all this but I’ve lost my train of thought.

Thanks for nothing, readers.

This is what you need to- Oh yeah! Now I remember. Like I said, this week this column is mostly about the Malvinas and football. So there. Take it or leave it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Yes. I already used this photo a few months ago. If you have a better idea for a photo this week, you know where to write. I won't care but you know where to write. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This week saw the 30th anniversary of the end of the Malvinas/Falklands War (See? Malvinas. Told you.) and of course the bilateral acrimony between Argentina and the United Kingdom was emanating strongly from both sides of the ocean. So here’s everything that happened in a nutshell, so we can get this out of the way fast and move to other more important things, like football.

• David Cameron, that cheeky British prime minister, thought that in order to piss off the Argentines even more on the day of the anniversary, it would be a good idea to fly the Falklands’ flag on top of 10 Downing Street. Very subtle way of saying “Fuck you”, sir. Congrats. You truly are a gentleman.

• On that same day, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to New York to attend a conference at the United Nations, where the Special Committee on Decolonization regularly functions. “Regularly” of course being used ironically since in international relations the SCD is considered to be obsolete, but whatever. She spoke, she didn’t say anything new, once again asked the UK to give peace a chance and then urged the British government to engage in dialogue. Because dialogue is the only way that this will ever be solved. OK? OK. Now read the next bullet point.

• Once her speech was over, a representative of the islands’ government approached Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman and tried to hand him a letter addressed to Cristina in which he asked her to talk to them in order to discuss the islands’ sovereignty. Timerman said no. You guys didn’t think that whole dialogue bullshit was true, right? Because it’s not. Well, now the islanders are upset. Which means that there’s no possibility of a rapprochement anytime soon and I will still have to write about this stuff in the future. Fuck my life.

• Meanwhile, in the Malvinas/Falklands: the islanders, probably tired of being ignored by the international community, announced they would conduct a referendum on the islands in order to “put this sovereignty fuckery to rest once and for all.” Well, they didn’t say it like that, but that’s what they meant. So that’s great, guys! However, there’s no need to “announce” you’re gonna do it. Just do it! Considering the islands have a population of like, 12 people, you just go to the local pub and tell the parishioners to raise their hands and count. That’s it! Referendum ready.

• I’m kidding, islanders! I know you’re more than 12 people! I also know you read my weekly rants, so I’m sorry, but if everyone else falls then you don’t get to leave this column unscathed.

• This week, in non-Malvinas related news: the Interior Ministry announced the creation of a new passport that will cost 400 pesos and will include a state-of-the-art chip that Argentina hopes will persuade nations such as the US, Canada or Australia from asking citizens for a visa before they travel there. The good news is that since dollars are basically impossible to find anywhere in this country, Argentines weren’t even thinking of going there in the first place. See? Everybody happy.

• **UPDATE** The US has already replied by saying “Thanks! But no thanks.”

•  Apparently the cacerolazos are still happening, even though no one is actually aware of them. Not content with last week’s fiasco, which failed to galvanize the anti-Kirchnerite segment of the population, a few angry people decided to come out yesterday and bang their frying pans and teapots in order to demand access to their dollars protest corruption. Fortunately this time they had the help of former mayoral candidate and absolutely crazy person Guillermo Cherashny (did you click on that? You should. Want another one? Here’s another one). I’m not sure what Cherashny, a journalist who really did run for mayor of Buenos Aires, was doing there in the first place but if his protest methodologies are indication of anything, I’m certain the cacerolazos will eventually become a “thing”. After all, who could forget his You Tube video aimed at Hewlett-Packard in which he decides to take action against his laptop computer (did you click on that? You should.)?

• Also, since we are talking about protests and injustice, can anyone give this guy a hand? You see, former railway worker Luis Alberto Ninona has been indicted along with many others in the case investigating the Once railway tragedy that took the lives of 51 people last February. So understandably, Mr. Ninona is not allowed to leave the country, as he is suspected of being responsible of manslaughter. But, alas! His lawyer announced that he has all these (I assume, frequent flier) “miles” accumulated and he needs to used them before they expire for a little vacation in Punta Cana, where he’ll be sipping piña coladas for a few days only to eventually return to explain why he’s not kind of responsible for so many deaths. The prosecutor, clearly a bad person, has already said he will not let him leave Argentina for a trip with his family. Can any of you give this guy a hand? Anyone? No? Shame on you.

• Now here’s a piece of news that could be considered a semiotician’s wet dream: do you know who Richard Stallman is? Well, in case you’re too lazy to even click on that link to Wikipedia, let’s just say he’s a computer programmer who was become globally known as the leader of the “free software” movement. (also known as “people who want free shit”). You may recall reading about Mr. Stallman last year after he stirred quite a controversy when he said “he wasn’t glad Steve Jobs was dead but he was glad he was gone.” Still don’t know him? OK, never mind. Anyway, Mr. Stallman was invited to speak about free software at the UBA School of Economics last Friday and, predictably, had his personal computer, passport, medication and travel money stolen while he was giving his conference! So… karma? You know what, I take back what I said at the beginning. This week was amazingly funny.

• At long, last! After six interminable months devoid of music, dancing, and masturbatory material, the biggest TV show in the history of poor quality TV shows is back! (No, kids! I’m not talking about Ricardo Fort‘s megalomaniac extravaganza “Fort Night Show.” That one actually begins in eight days and it already looks like it’s gonna suck). I’m talking about the local version of Dancing With The Stars of course! The impressive opening last Monday, which lasted over 12 minutes, and I must admit is worth watching, featured the entire cast of Game of Thrones dancing to the tunes of Madonna, Adele, LMFAO and Michael Jackson. So it was pretty much the gayest 12-minutes in the history of television. Too bad after minute 13 it’s all downhill until December.

• By the way, if you’re not a pop culture connoisseur or you just arrived in this country and have no idea who Ricardo Fort is, let me just say that if Willy Wonka and The Situation from The Jersey Shore met at a bar one night and decided to have sex, he would be their illegitimate spawn. If you still don’t get the picture, here’s his already classic rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” which I have posted here a thousand times and will continue to post until I’m dead. Or he ‘s dead. Whichever comes first.

• Also, in unrelated news but somehow totally related: for months this image went viral on every social network last year, saying that every time you start watching Dancing With The Stars (hosted by Marcelo Tinelli) a book kills itself. So in some kind of poetic -yet depressing- twist of fate, last Monday night at 3:30 am and only a few hours after the Dancing With The Stars premiere was over, a water pipe in the Library of the City Legislature “mysteriously” broke and destroyed more than 13,000 invaluable books forever.

• Horror! For the first time in its 142 years, and in order to further perpetuate the notion (well… your notion) that this country is turning into North Korea, your favorite newspaper in the whole world (La Nación) failed to reach the newsstands due to a union conflict (workers demanding better salaries). So no, this time it wasn’t the Government trying to destroy free speech. Next week maybe, but not this time.

• This week saw the death of yet another singer you couldn’t care less about, this time was Memphis La Blusera‘s Adrian Otero. Since I know that you didn’t care about Estela Raval’s death last week and you don’t care about Otero’s death this week, let’s just be practical and move on. Sorry, everyone. There’s just no point in any of this.

• The reckless endangerment in this country continues, this time in the so-called “Poncho Rally (?)” in Catamarca. The good news is that, even though the driver could have killed dozens of bystanders that were casually standing on the side of the road, this time the only one getting kind of killed is him.

• Don’t worry, I said “kind of killed,” not “killed”. You can laugh without feeling any guilt.

• As signs of an impending zombie apocalypse continue to surface all over the world, a widow in Buenos Aires seems to have fully embraced the concept and decided to pimp the crypt in which her late husband is buried. She even has cable TV and everything! Now don’t laugh. Necrophilia is in this year. Don’t you watch True Blood? It’s basically a show about dead people fucking each other and so far I haven’t heard a qualm. It’s 2012, get over it.

• Shocking! The very aptly named “Happy Planet Index” shows that on the list of happiest countries on Earth, Argentina comes No. 17! You guys, that’s awesome! See? I told you those cacerolazos were nonsense. Everyone is happy here! Now, I have no idea how this is measured, how rigorous these studies are or how much bullshit factor is involved (not because I couldn’t find it, it’s all right there on the website. I just couldn’t be bothered to look it up). All I know is that if you live in the US, Mongolia or some landlocked African nation, chances are you are pretty pissed off right now.

• That cute little alpine town at the end of the world that you love so much (Ushuaia) is seemingly entering the Ice Age once again. Tierra del Fuego authorities reported that only last week it had already snowed half of what they would usually get in an entire season! People had to be evacuated and roads were closed, leaving the town completely isolated from the rest of the world. I’m not willing to bet on it, but I’m sure the people from the Happy Planet Index did not go all the way down there to ask how things were doing. Just saying.

• This week, in sports that I hate: Argentine football continues to
  

  Football. I fucking hate it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  spiral down into utter chaos while I rub my hands in delight at the prospect of seeing that ignominious sport cancelled or constitutionally banned for good. Let’s read about it, shall we?

• River Plate is fucked. No, for real this time. As if last year’s relegation to the National B had not been enough, 2012 seems to be slapping fans in the face with a sledgehammer. Last Sunday, before a match between River Plate and some team named Boca Unidos that at first I thought it was Boca Juniors but then I realized it was not, two of River’s hooligan factions clashed inside the stadium, leaving one of them dead. That’s right, these guys are killing each other and they even root for the same team! The murderer was arrested today in Mendoza. So smart, these guys.

• **UPDATE** The internet peoples have kindly pointed out that, contrary to what the local media initially said, the stab victim was  actually not a member of a hooligan faction. He was just a fan. Now, since I usually don’t give a shit about football I would have let it slide, but in this case we’re talking about someone’s death and this information had to be corrected.

• As rumors that the River Plate stadium could be shut down due to the murder were abound, a new controversy exploded this week after a player from the ignotus (at least for me) team Patronato de Paraná or something like that casually dropped during a press conference that River Plate authorities had offered them “incentives” (i.e. bribes) to win a match against Rosario Central for some reason. The nationwide outrage was immediate and now, if the accusations are proven true, River Plate could be facing a 4-month to 2-year suspension from all football activities. Oh, come on guys. That wouldn’t be so bad! I mean, there’s always tennis.

• A game between Gimnasia de la Plata and Ferro had to be suspended after someone, who I swear to God was not me but totally could have been, called in a bomb threat.

• Yeah, sorry. No Wikipedia links to Gimnasia de la Plata or Ferro. Oh, they do exist. I just didn’t care to do it.

• Diego Maradona, whose opinion for some reason that escapes logic still matters, felt compelled to intervene in Argentina’s favorite pastime: insulting Lionel Messi.  ”If people here keep making his life miserable here, Messi is going to stay there (Spain) and never come back to Argentina,” he said. Haha! Maradona, you silly. What makes you think he ever wants to come back in the first place? You’re funny. You’re a funny guy. Why don’t you go back to winning trophies instead of talking about stuff no one cares about? Oh, that’s right.

• Last but not least: remember a couple of weeks ago when Frankenstein led a hooligan protest against the head of the Independiente club after he launched his own personal crusade to diminish the power of those deranged football fanatics? Well, he’s back! And this time, the man who goes by the non-threatening sobriquet “Bebote” (Big baby), may not be wearing a Frankenstein mask, but chose an equally intimidating fashion item: the pibe chorro hoodie. Not only that, he tried to face the bellwether president of the club, Javier Cantero, outside his club at night while the TV cameras were rolling. The result is scary and hilarious at the same time.

• So here I am, cigar in one hand, glass of port in the other, as I watch the world of Argentine football collapse upon its own gravity, like a decadent black hole struggling to survive its unavoidable fate while ravaging everything on its path. And I couldn’t be more ecstatic.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And I have bad news for you: the Malvinas clusterfuck is back in full force!

Because now that the YPF expropriation bill has been passed, what other nationalist cause are we going to be distracted with? The 2014 World Cup is still more than two years away, so that’s a no.

So I guess there’s no choice but to dust off the Malvinas playbook and start yelling at British people again.

Here’s everything you need to know (but don’t want to know):

• 

  Wenlock and Mandeville, the terrifying mascots of the 2012 London Olympics. I don't condone violence but I must admit it will be funny to see an Argentine athlete kicking them in the crotch in order to make a point about Malvinas. Not because I care about the islands, but because they're just plain ugly. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Since I’m sure you didn’t go to Velez for the Cristina-palooza last week, here’s the 40-minute speech she gave before thousands of flag-waving, ecstatic youngsters who attended the event to celebrate her existence. Since I’m willing to bet my life that you didn’t click on that link, let me tell you: she basically glorified young people as the future of the nation and told the crowds to remain “united and organized.” Also there was a lot of yelling, even though she was standing two centimeters away from the microphone. All in all, a positive experience for those who survived the yelling.

• Meanwhile this week, Cristina’s arch-nemesis and opposition leader City Mayor Mauricio Macri, was tweeting some photos about his session of calisthenics and something that looks like him awkwardly tango dancing with another guy. I tell ya, this guy is a workaholic.

• In what could be considered the most awkward exchange of passive-aggressive smiles and ice-cold stares since Alien Vs. Predator, newly appointed Argentine ambassador to the UK Alicia Castro put British Foreign Secretary William Hague in the hot seat as he launched the annual world review of human rights at a ceremony in London.  Sitting right in front of him on the first row as he took the podium, Castro once again repeated the local government’s mantra regarding the Malvinas/Falklands and asked him point blank (or “ambushed,” as The Telegraph put it) if he was ready to give peace a chance. Enjoy the video.

• The UK, of course, said it was “disappointed” at her behavior, but Castro is a maverick, she doesn’t give a fuck.

• Since this Wednesday marked the 30th. anniversary of the sinking of the General Belgrano cruiser during the Malvinas War, Cristina found yet another excuse to hold a ceremony related to the Malvinas. In a televised speech she gave from the Pink House she inaugurated the  brand new (*rolls eyes*) “Malvinas Argentinas Courtyard” and then she defended ambassador Castro’s actions, saying that “refusing to engage in dialogue is unsustainable,” a funny thing to say considering she refuses to talk to journalists since like, ever. She also criticized the permanent members of the  UN Security Council (i.e.: the US and the UK) saying that they always force other countries to follow UN resolutions but they themselves refuse to abide by them, which is actually kind of true.

• Sorry, we’re not done talking about Malvinas yet. But here, take a break from that subject and enjoy this awesome/terrifying video.

• Alright, I’m sure you feel refreshed now. And dirty. Let’s go back to Malvinas.

• The 2012 London Olympics are right around the corner, and God knows what kind of fuckery will transpire there between the Argentine and the British teams. But if what happened this week is any indication, we’re in for a fun winter of gold medals and diplomatic shenanigans that will certainly end once the Olympic torch goes out and David Cameron little-boys Buenos Aires.  Everyone in the UK and the Malvinas/Falklands was up in arms yesterday after a controversial TV spot aired in Argentina, depicting the Argentine national hockey team captain Fernando Zylberberg “training” on the islands. As if that weren’t insulting enough (for the British), the ad concludes with the phrase “To compete on British soil, we train on Argentine soil.” Oh, snap!

• Yellow press crusader The Sun, of course, took it one step further and ran this headline. Dramaqueenism at its best.

• And to add insult to injury, the ad was created by Young & Rubicam, an advertising agency that belongs to – you guessed it – a British company.  God, August cannot come fast enough. I’m gonna have so much to write about I may have to start doing a Daily News Roundup.

• In YPF news, I totally spoiled it at the beginning already but the
  

  Many criticized The Sun for printing such a disrespectful headline after the sinking of the General Belgrano. But many more failed to realize that even more disrespectful is that The Sun is all about girls showing their tits. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  expropriation bill has been passed, which means that Argentina now owns 51 percent of the oil company. Yay!

• Also this week, two romantic revolutionaires decided that a good way to make a point about something was to set off a bomb outside the European Union‘s offices in Recoleta. God bless these people, and their fight for peace by blowing stuff up.

• Another tourist allegedly raped in Salta. The suspect has already turned himself in, assuring that he was in a relationship with the victim, a 21-year-old Swiss woman who was doing volunteer work there. I have no idea what the hell is going on there, but stay away.

• Also in Salta this week, since such attacks pose a PR nightmare to the tourism industry there, the media (that’s us!) found a way to distract the population with a most sensationalist story that was covered by every network in the country: the tragic, heartbreaking story of an 8-year-old girl that was seen driving around in a car.

• No, really. That happened. And boy, people were outraged. I mean, look at that video! The low quality! The shaky camera! The epic soundtrack! Rape? What rape?

• Now onto the football part, which always comes last because it is obviously the least important one: Congratulations football megastar Lionel Messi! Not only you’re going to be a father soon, but this week you broke yet another record! After scoring his 68th. goal this season, Messi broke the record for goals scored in a European club season, previously held by some German guy called Gerd Müller. I have no idea what any of this means, all I know is that I get more internet hits thanks to it.

It’s Friday again!

And yes, this week’s column is mostly gonna be about the Malvinas/Falklands clusterfuck once more.

Have you rolled your eyes at me yet?

Good. Because I don’t care.

This is what you need to know:

You might run into this while walking around Olívos. How dangerously exotic! (Photo/Wikipedia)

• Previously on Weekly News Roundup: it was the UK’s turn to spice things up a bit in this Malvinas/Falkland never ending stupidity, so they sent the HMS Dauntless, a nuclear submarine and Prince William to the islands just in case Argentina decided to call them “silly.” That’s it.

• Everyone was caught off guard this week when the National Government announced that President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was going to be making a statement on national television in relation to the ongoing diplomatic conflict. While many feared she was going to make a formal declaration of war, others were more optimistic and suggested that she was going to offer the islanders a deal to create a weekly flight from Buenos Aires to the islands, which would have been really cool because I totally want to visit them. But alas, the cameras went on and the circus began. The Government had invited members of the opposition and war veterans to witness her speech, but they also let in a bunch of chanting idiots who started waving their flags and singing insults towards the British (because I’m sure the islanders are just gonna love that). And then, as the world anxiously awaited her “important announcement,” she finally said that since the UK has not complied with Argentina’s demands, she has no choice but to keep making them. Well, not really but kind of. She accused the UK of “militarizing” the South Atlantic, which is kind of hyperbolic but whatever, and warned she was going to file a formal complaint before the United Nations and the Security Council. Something she could have announced without the need to appeal to shallow nationalism.

• And while everyone was still oozing peace and love from their pores and singing about giving peace a chance as they were leaving the Government House, some Malvinas War veterans showed up and beat up Kirchnerite lawmaker José María Díaz Bancalari just because. I guess that is how they roll.

• The British press had a lot of nasty things to say about Cristina after the announcement. She’s “authoritarian” and “a quintessential bully,” they said. But the fuck up of the week goes to the Malvinas/Falklands-based online newspaper Penguin News, after the Argentine press learned that the photo of Cristina they used for their main piece on the website last Tuesday was uploaded under the name “bitch.jpg”. Whoops!

• Also, the Telegraph ran an article saying that Argentina has no more claim to the islands than Canada does to Alaska. Well, I’m sure that if being a part of Canada meant getting rid of Sarah Palin, Alaskans would sign up for Canadian citizenship like that. Just saying.

• And since the Barack Obama (really, you clicked on that? Wow) administration seems to support Argentina’s claim on this matter (their position is that the only way to solve this is through diplomatic dialogue), Cristina is super happy and wants to be BFFs with the United States. Yay! Argentine ambassador to the US Jorge Argüello said his goal is now to take the bilateral relationship to the best place possible. Nice! Maybe they can go back to being fuck buddies, like they were called in the 90s. You don’t believe me? It’s true! Back in the 90s, the US and Argentina were so close that the local Government and press began saying that they were having “relaciones carnales” which in Spanish means – you guessed it – fucking. Of course the true story is that Argentina was in fact getting fucked by the neoliberal policies of the Washington Consensus but whatever. Yay, friends!

• Really sad news: a French 52-year old man who was visiting Argentina was brutally murdered in broad daylight by a man who tried to steal his camera while he was taking photos at the Malvinas War Memorial in Plaza San Martín. The man, identified as Laurent Schwebel, was stabbed twice in the chest and tried to walk for a few meters, asking for help. He eventually collapsed as horrified bystanders tried to assist him. The police have arrested a suspect who they believe was responsible for the murder. This proves that even though Buenos Aires is a relatively safe city you must always be aware of your surroundings and stay alert. Be safe, OK?

• Also, this tragic death aside, this is the third French tourist to be murdered in Argentina in less than a year. Half a year ago two women were raped and murdered in Salta, and even though the men who did it were quickly arrested, this is still terrible PR for Argentina. I would understand it if the French decided to stop visiting out of fear. Let’s hope they don’t.

•  Oh and also, a few meters away from where the French man was brutally murdered, a cable got caught in a freight truck that was passing by, causing a traffic light to fall on top of a Brazilian tourist who was just standing there. So… yeah, you know where I’m going with this.

• Avoid Plaza San Martín altogether, is what I’m trying to say.

• And while we’re at it, you might want to avoid Vicente López as well since a blood-thirsty puma is apparently terrorizing the neighborhood. Yeah, that’s right. A puma (as in: a motherfucking puma). Oh, please! Spare me the “this shit doesn’t happen where I come from” face.  It does and it does. Shut the fuck up already.

• Have you ever tried walking across the Pan-american Highway (click here to see what it looks like outside of Buenos Aires)? Well, you may be a coward but as you can see in this video grandma isn’t, so she did. And she didn’t care who could have died in the process.

• And here’s my good deed of the day: next time you land at the Ezeiza International Airport or the Aeroparque Airport and you’re walking like a zombie, dragging your suitcase while trying to cope with your jet lag, please remember NOT TO head over to Global Exchange to trade your dollars/euros for some pesos. Because as it turns out, these mischievous guys will take your money for a 20% less value than any other money exchange place.  For every dollar they will give you 3.47 pesos (when they should be giving you close to 4.35). See? And some people say this column has no value to society.

• Since this week private vehicles are no longer allowed into the Downtown BA area on weekdays from 11 am to 4 pm, in an effort to cut down traffic jams. Not that you care because you don’t own a car.

• Great news people! The National Government just announced that if you don’t have your SUBE card yet there’s no reason to worry! Because they’ve decided to push the deadline to March 2nd. since apparently there’s a couple of losers who didn’t get the memo saying that if they don’t have their SUBE cards soon, they will lose their public transportation subsidy benefits. Which means you stood in line for three hours under the searing siesta sun for nothing.

Rest in peace, Spinetta. The Wachiturros will never even come close to your music. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• Rock legend and Argentine icon Luis Alberto Spinetta died on Wednesday after battling with lung cancer for more than six months. The entire country and even Latin America will continue to mourn this musical genius for days, since he is considered to be one of the forefathers of what is locally known as “rock nacional.” He will be remembered by many songs, but his most popular hit will always be “Muchacha ojos de papel,” a sweet ballad he wrote after being inspired by his muse back in 1969 that still fills 50 and 60 somethings with nostalgia. Listen to it, it’s pretty nice.

• Remember a few months ago when local football megastar Martín Palermo announced he was retiring, and they threw this huge farewell party at the Boca Juniors stadium, and everyone paid a lot of money to go there and everyone was crying because it was an emotional moment and they even gave give an actual goal as a gift and stuff? Well, as it turns out that wasn’t the real farewell party, for some reason! And if you thought so then you must have misunderstood. You see, the real farewell party was last Sunday and if you wanted to attend you had to pay again of course.  Isn’t football great? Yeah. Great way to make money! Like some bright mind tweeted recently: “I loved Martin Palermo’s farewell party last Sunday. I really hope the next one in six months is even better.” Clap, clap, clap.

• Oh, and before I forget: please don’t write to me explaining how one was a farewell ceremony and the other was a farewell game. I really, really, really don’t give a shit.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday again!

And I’m mortified to say that this may be our last Weekly News Roundup ever, since the way things are going it’s very probable that in a few days Buenos Aires will be replaced by a highly radioactive wasteland after a British nuke goes off somewhere in the City, the result of David Cameron’s unilateral escalation of the Malvinas / Falklands sovereignty conflict.

Haha, I’m kidding of course!

However, don’t tell your mother about these jokes because you know how parents react to all this. You make a joke about war and they start freaking out, yelling at you for abandoning the comfort of your first-world lifestyle to leave for “Argelina or one of those countries near Brazil” (“Brazil” being the only country they more or less know how to locate on a map of South America. Yeah, that’s right, it’s always Brazil. It’s not Colombia, it’s not Paraguay and God knows it’s not Guyana, a country that even I thought was in Africa for several years. I know it. You know it. We all know it.)

Deal with it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Prince William. His country may have nuclear weapons and rule the Malvinas, but he's going bald and there's nothing he can do about that. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Since apparently Mr. Cameron is dealing with some troubles at home he needs to divert attention and find a cause that will fire up the population. And what better way of doing that than appealing to the most primal of stupid nationalism? And while Argentina keeps saying “let’s talk about how those islands should belong to us,” the British government replies “Oh my God, invasion!!” So in order to protect the Malvinas/Falklands from a certain non-invasion and bring all of us closer to war, Great Britain has:

• 1) Decided it would be a great idea to send the HMS Dauntless to the islands in order to protect them from Argentina’s non-invasion. Despite its totally gay name, the Dauntless is a powerful anti-air destroyer capable of shooting down Argentina’s non-existing air force. Of course the British government said it was just “routine,” but we all know what that means.

• 2) In addition to that impressive warship, they also thought it would be smart to deploy to the islands none other than Prince William himself, who I’m sure is thrilled to have to stay at some barren, windy outpost north of nowhere for six weeks. I can totally see him, scotch in hand, going ”What the fuck am I doing here?” and such. Of course the British government said it was just “routine,” but we all know what that means.

• 3) As if that were not enough, Meryl Streep‘s latest film, “The Iron Lady,” which depicts the life of British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and focuses somewhat on the 1982 war between England and Argentina, opened yesterday and now everyone is depressed because it reminds them of that drunken military president who went to war with the UK because he needed to rally the country’s population behind some random cause to retain power. So I would suggest you avoid the issue altogether unless you wanna get punched in the face.

• أخبار عظيمة للجميع! (That’s supposed to be “Great news, everyone!” in Arabic according to Google Translate. It should have been in Farsi, but the option is not available so fuck it.) Inhuman rights champion and President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmedinejad officially launched last Tuesday a new Spanish news network which he expects will present “the cultural reality of Iran, the Middle East and Latin America.” In a very contrived Spanish, good old Mahmoud said: “Death to America!” “Viva España! Viva America Latina!” That’s great Mr. President! And you know, his administration is changing after all. A few years ago they would stone women to death, but now they “kinda call off the whole stoning thing.” A few years ago they would also execute the gays just for being gay, but now they have no more gays! They must have cured them or something. Right? Right?? Also, I’m pretty sure he was high when he made that video.

• Did you enjoy that overrated French movie, Amelie? Did you also enjoy that clearly underrated masterpiece The Da Vinci Code but are too ashamed to admit it? In both cases you probably enjoyed Audrey Tautou‘s performance. So if you care to get her autograph, you should know that she’s loose in San Telmo right now, according to every media outlet in the country. Yeah, that’s right. This is news, for some reason.

• Your dream has come true: Facebook Buenos Aires is now hiring! Too bad your resume is a million light years away from the kind of resume they’re looking for. Oh well. Pizza Hut and KFC are about to open in BA too and they will probably be looking for some “driven, outgoing individuals interested in workin in a fun, exciting environment.” Just saying.

• Mother Nature must have been pissed this week, because she’s been coming down hard on us humans.  A freak storm was unleashed over Córdoba city, catching everyone by surprise. Two people were killed, more than a dozen were injured and hundreds had to be evacuated.

• But the worst came on Wednesday when whatever Greek god is up there got pissed and decided it was time to
  

  The Constitución Train Station. I'm sure you're all going "Why, it looks just like New York's Central Station!" but trust me, it's nothing like that. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  teach us all a lesson, so he opened the floodgates of hell over Buenos Aires, effectively flooding the whole city within seconds.  And when I say “flood” I mean it. It was like that movie “The Day After Tomorrow,” only with more realistic special effects and better acting. If you had been waiting for the subway, this is what you would have run into. If you had been riding the bus, this is what you would have run into. And look! A geyser in the middle of the city! God bless Climate Change.

• Are you one of the million people who listened to my advice last week and stood in line for five hours under the sun/rain in order to get your SUBE card before the February 10 deadline? Well, like I’ve said a thousand times before, you should never listen to me. Because this week the Government set up a web site where people can order it online and get it in the comfort of their homes. No waiting. Sorry!

• And this is why you should never go to a nightclub in Constitución.

• Yeah, I know I just said you should never listen to me, but trust me on this one.

• Oh, and speaking of neighborhoods: Recoleta, Palermo and Nuñez are now the most expensive areas to rent in the City. If you live there (most of you do), congratulations! You’re now living like a rich person despite your average income.

• Rive Plate played against Boca Juniors again in the “second part” of that fake Superclásico that the AFA pulled out of its ass in order to make more money. River Plate lost again. The AFA won again. You lost again.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday ag-!

Ugh.

Fuck it, it’s hot.

This is what you need to know.

• 

  I chose this photo just to piss people off. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This thing with the Malvinas/Falklands has really become the stupidest bilateral dispute in years, now seemingly spinning out of control. And the worst part is that it’s not even Argentina’s fault this time, since it’s David Cameron who’s behaving like a 5-year old, warning of attacks, invasions and the imminent danger of a new war with Argentina. Uhm. Mr. Cameron, sir? You know how the Argentine Government insists on “engaging in talks” and nothing else? That’s not just because they’re polite. It’s because there is no military force in this country. None. Zero. In fact, “military” is almost a bad word here after the historical disaster and deep wound that the last military dictatorship inflicted on this country more than 30 years ago. So please stop sending nuclear submarines and making empty threats. Nobody cares.

• Also, accusing a Latin American country of “colonialism”? Dumb move, sir. At best all you can say is that it’s being a pain in the ass.

• Did you now there’s a local football club called “Nueva Chicago“? Well, I didn’t. Anyway, apparently this club has some hardcore hooligans who clashed with some other hardcore hooligans from God knows where, leaving one of the Nueva Chicago followers dead. Problem was that, when the victim’s friends heard that the alleged murderer had also been hurt and was being treated at the nearby Santojanni Hospital, they decided it was payback time and attacked the hospital en masse, terrorizing doctors, patients and personnel. They also trashed the place (here’s the footage), because that’s the macho thing to do to prove you’re badass, right? Do us all a favor and go back to watching your stupid game, you uncivilized idiots.

• Remember that cute little train that Cristina and Uruguayan president Jose Mujica inaugurated a few months ago? Remember how everyone was all “Yay, togetherness!” because it united both nations and then it started having logistical problems and was always late and stuff, but the Government said it was just a technical “contretemps” and again everyone was all “Yay, togetherness!”? Well now it’s derailed. To hell with togetherness.

• The Government has finally gone “Fuck this shit!” over idiots who ride the bus or the subway with their cell phones on boombox mode and refuse to give up their seats to pregnant woman. So they have begun an aggressive (and a little tongue-in-cheek) Facebook campaign against them. All you have to do is click share on the many images available at the SUBE card Facebook page and voila. Come on, do it. You know you want to do it. It makes you feel like you belong, no? No? Fuck you then.

• You know how you were really upset about missing David Guetta in Mar
  

  I'd say David Guetta's show was pretty for-Guetta-ble, right? Right?! Oh please, like you would have come up with a better joke. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  del Plata this week? Well, you should be happy you avoided this. Suddenly listening to “Without You” in the safety of your apartment doesn’t sound so bad does it…

• I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news first: experimental gaucho western Aballay, which includes some memorable performances as good as those seen in an elementary school play, has understandably been rejected as a serious contender in the Oscars’ Foreign Film category. Which is good. I mean, have you seen that trailer? Dear God. Find me an Argentine who talks like that, I’ll give you a lollipop.

•  Now onto the good news: Aballay may have been rejected, but the Argentine spirit lives on in “Superclasico,” a Danish film revolving around – you guessed it – a guy who comes to Buenos Aires to witness that vibrant sporting event that I don’t give a shit about. “Superclásico” is apparently a strong contender for the Oscars. And it’s got everything that makes Argentina grand: tango, football, taxis, men yelling like angry Italians and of course, armed robberies. How delightfully mischievous!

• There’s nationwide outrage and the social networks are on fire today after Pagina 12‘s cartoonist Gustavo Sala had the brilliant idea of making fun of the Holocaust and drew Jewish prisoners paling around with Hitler and dancing to the beat of “David Guetto.” There’s even a part in which Hitler says that it’s good to see them dancing because “soap feels a lot better afterwards.” So now Sala has apologized saying he was just trying to poke fun of “Jewish stereotypes” (uh?), but people are still claiming for his head on a pike.  See? And you were complaining about my “for-Guetta-ble” joke.

• The ratings of our non-favorite reality show Soñando por Bailar 2 (Dancing for a Dream 2) continue to rise as producers keep exploiting the misadventures of dangerously-insane contestant Mariano de la Canal, a chubby fiend who rose to ephemeral fame after his unhealthy obsession for current housewife and former blowjob queen (no joke) Wanda Nara was televised before millions of people. Just like that he went from creepy celebrity stalker to cute ugly-guy-in-love, and since he is a clearly disturbed individual, the powers that be found the perfect place for him: a reality show, of course! So now you have a mentally unstable – and potential serial killer-  contestant running around an isolated farm that barely gets any cell phone reception and is filled with hot girls giggling in their bikinis. Sounds more like Friday the 13th, doesn’t it. Well, when he finally grabs a machete and a hockey mask and starts offing people, I’ll let you know. For now, here’s a video of him allegedly fainting on live television after one of his many freakouts.

• Meanwhile, and even though many are wondering why it’s still on the air, Big Brother may have caught a break after this week (finally!) two people had sex. It was simple: two of the contestants who became romantically involved in the game asked the production team for a night “alone” (heh) in the small house located right next to the main house. The network, desperate for anything controversial that may help their decadent ratings reach a double digit number, said “yes please, fuck like it’s the end of the world.” And boy, they did! Wait for the 3:17 mark to go “Holy shit! They showed that on television?!” Yes. Yes they did.

• Hey! Stop being such a dramatic prude. These are two people in heat engaged in a beautiful act of love. At least the show isn’t like its Brazilian perverted cousin, Big Brother Brazil, where last week they removed one of the contestants from the house after accusations surfaced that he had raped a fellow housemate. See what I mean? It’s all about perspective.

• Some guy from Real Madrid I never heard of (he apparently goes by the ridiculous name “Pepe”), decided it would be a neat idea to stomp on the hand of sport’s wunderkind Lionel Messi. For those in the Maradonian Church, this offense is the football equivalent of drawing a cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad and then spiting on it. “Pepe” is gonna be stoned to death, is what I’m trying to say.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday again!

And the British are coming! So before I have to go all Paul Revere on your asses and warn you that we’re about to be invaded (or the opposite, if you trust Sarah Palin’s version), I suggest you read this, go get some weapons, canned food, get laid and wait for the nuclear bombs to drop.

Haha, I’m kidding of course.

Nuclear bombs aren’t dropped, they are smuggled illegally into the country.

Anyway, this is what you need to know:

• 

  Do you have one of these? 'Cause if you do, you're fucked. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Roll out the red carpet, kids! The UN’s highest ranking official, Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon was visiting Argentina this week, and while we were ready to celebrate his arrival with all the pomp and splendor available, all our plans went to shit when that fucking ash cloud hovering above Buenos Aires forced his plane to be rerouted to Córdoba. What followed was basically an embarrassing string of fuck-ups that evidenced how scarily unprepared the UN personnel is when they have to break protocol. So I guess pretty much everyone was smiling awkwardly when UN officials released photos of the most important man in their organization having a simple breakfast in some random gas station on the side of the road.  Don’t worry though, he made it safely to Buenos Aires in a very average and forgettable way.

• Hold on to your passports, Brits!  Because the shit’s about to hit the fan and it ain’t gonna be pretty. During Moon’s visit, President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner seized the opportunity to renew Argentina’s sovereignty claims over the Malvinas/Falkland Islands, which, in case you don’t know, are the reason Argentina went to war with Great Britain in 1982.  And of course, after urging once more the British government to follow UN mandate and resume sovereignty talks, Primer Minister David Cameron got pissed and while speaking at the House of Commons, he said that there were no more discussions to be held, “end of story.” This outburst caused Fernandez de Kirchner to freak out and call Cameron’s statements “either mediocre or almost stupid,” and Great Britain a “decadent, colonialist power.”  Uh-oh! Can you hear the bombs dropping? You will soon, if this stupid escalation continues.

• To make matters worse, and for some reason we’re still trying to figure out, a resident from the Malvinas/Falklands Islands showed up at Argentina’s doorstep asking to be recognized as an Argentine citizen, since he considers that the archipelago should not belong to Great Britain. Of course, the President held a televised ceremony in which she granted him with a DNI identity card while everyone clapped and cheered. Don’t judge her though, this is basic Machiavelli. It’s reelection time and the best thing you can do to gather votes is rally all the idiots behind a national cause.

• Remember that embarrassing scandal that broke several months ago,
  

  Do you have one of these? You're in luck! (Photo/Wikipedia)

  in which the local government accused the US Air Force of trying to smuggle illegal weaponry and expired medications into the country, creating a diplomatic row that escalated to Barack Obama himself asking for his stuff back? Well, it’s finally over! Argentina returned the stuff, the US admitted they had “fucked up” (not an actual quote) with some paperwork and now everybody’s happy again. Yay! Now we can find a new reason to hate Obama!

• The Puyehue volcano has not stopped erupting in two weeks, and has pretty much fucked up the southern half of the country. With popular tourist destinations like Villa La Angostura and Bariloche already declaring the state of emergency due to the millions and millions of losses in crops, cattle and tourism, things aren’t looking brighter in the near future for the Patagonia population. There’s a silver lining, however,  since it is rumored that hotel owners in the area are planning on lowering their hotel rates on a 40% so cheap travelers like you get to exploit their disgrace by paying a few miserable coins for top-notch accommodation, and laugh it up while doing it.

• In related news,  President Fernández de Kirchner’s once again showed off her brilliant diplomatic skills, and while offering a joint press conference with the UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon at the Government House, she told him that this whole mess with the volcano “was Chile’s fault,” since the Puyehue is located on THEIR territory. The Secretary General had no choice but to giggle nervously. So you can add “Chileans” to the list of people trying to destroy this country.

• Man, the President can’t catch a break. As the criminal case involving the Mothers of the Plaza de Mayo organization continues to expose a intricate web of corruption deeply rooted within the foundation, a new scandal broke out this week involving the heads of the Inadi anti-discrimination agency.  The organization’s vice-chair, LGBT activist María Rachid, accused chair Claudio Morgado of using state funds for personal profit, while he replied by accusing her of giving her “unqualified girlfriend” a job within the agency. He also said she was “ruthlessly ambitious” and that “she was like a Pac-Man. She kept eating, and eating, and eating.” And this from the guy heading the state’s anti-discrimination agency. Ha! Te irony.

• How many times how I told you, kids? These films aren’t real! Unfortunately stupid people abound in this world, so when you give us men the chance to drive a Ferrari and drive at 1,000,000 kilometers/hour through the busy streets of Buenos Aires, you think we’re gonna pass on it? Hell, no! That’s exactly what happened a few days ago in San Isidro, when some idiot decided to break the sound barrier while driving a Ferrari down a busy avenue. The asshole lost control of the car, crossed lanes and collided with another car driving in the opposite direction. So now the driver of the other car is in critical condition and even if she makes it, it may take her over a year to walk again. Oh, and the guy behind the wheel? Apparently “he didn’t own the car” and he was just taking it for a ride! He now owes $200,000. Haha! Karma’s a bitch.

• Peruvian president-elect Ollanta Humala visited Argentina this week,
  

  I'm pretty sure you don't know who this guy is. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  and besides overtly expressing his support for the Mercosur he also stat-…you don’t give a shit about this, do you? Yeah, I thought so. Alright, let’s just skip the whole thing.

• Some Argentine guy just discovered that black holes have existed since the beginning of time, and for some reason that’s a huge fucking deal. I, however, remain unimpressed.

• Attention ladies (and gay guys)! Uruguayan football star and weird-face/hot-body combination stud Diego Forlán broke off his engagement with totally fuckable delicate lady Zaira Nara a month before the wedding (sorry, I tried linking her name to a Wikipedia entry, but there’s no English version. There is, however, a version in some weird language that I believe is Sanskrit, but what the fuck do I know. Random).  Anyway, after she announced her decision to call off the wedding via Twitter (of course) with a very mysterious “It’s a good thing I didn’t get married!” all sorts of speculation began, with people doubting Forlan’s heterosexuality (which is stupid, we all know there are no gay players in the football world. Right?) or accusing Nara of being a money-hungry whore. In the end, it seems it all ended because she refused to sign a prenuptial agreement. So I guess some of the rumors were right, after all.

• Update: Thanks to one of our readers (Matías), I have learned that the mysterious language is not Sanskrit, but Armenian. Although I’m sure it’s all the same to you.

• Boca Juniors legend and geriatric player Martín Palermo (seen here in a memorable file photo) finally died retired last Sunday, with a very touching, emotional post-match celebration. As a parting gift, the Boca Juniors authorities decided to give him one of the goal (as in the the actual goal) which despite being a nice symbolic gesture, it is totally inconvenient to carry home. Whatever.

• And finally, one last piece of news about that shitty sport, football: the Albanian national team is apparently playing against Argentina next Monday, and for some reason I don’t know (and didn’t care to research), they are sending a bunch of unknown people because their real players are staying in Europe for some more important stuff, like losing their virginity in one of the million Enver Hoxha-era bunkers scattered around the country. And don’t worry, I don’t expect you to get the joke, know who Hoxha was or even know where Albania is. So shut up.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono