West Point, Falklands/Malvinas Islands (Photo: Rogerio Tomazela on Flickr)

On Monday night, residents of the Falklands/Malvinas islands held a referendum and voted, by an overwhelming majority of 98.8%, to express their desire to remain a British overseas territory. Only three voters filed a negative ballot, and 92% of Falklands/Malvinas voters participated in the referendum.

The islanders held celebrations following the decisive result, singing ‘Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina’, ‘God Save the Queen’ and Rod Stewart’s ‘I Am Sailing’, as well as flying the UK flag.

The Argentine government did not recognise the referendum, declaring it an illegal meeting. On Friday, a group of senators requested a special congressional hearing to make a declaration against the Falklands/Malvinas vote.

“The referendum this weekend is a new political action of an advertising nature concocted by the UK,” said Daniel Filmus, head of the Foreign Relations Committee. “This publicity stunt has no validity under international law.”

The Argentine government’s refusal to acknowledge the vote, combined with the fact that the outcome was widely expected, will limit the impact of the referendum on the sovereignty debate. However, this is the first time the issue of sovereignty has been put to an official vote by the Falklands/Malvinas inhabitants.

The UK now hopes to convince the US to alter its stance on the issue from neutral to pro-UK behind the argument of self-determination. The Argentine government has rejected the self-determination stance because, it argues, self-determination cannot be used by the islanders because they originally colonised the land.

The Argentine navy yesterday reported that the missile destroyer ARA ‘Santísima Trinidad’ which participated in the 1982 Falklands/Malvinas war is leaning to port and in danger of sinking.

On Monday morning, officials found the war ship propped against a fishing boat at its mooring in the Puerto Belgrano Naval Base. A statement said that the vessel “presented a heel to port due to a breakdown in the hull” after “a six inches tear that led to the entrance of a significant amount of water”.

The navy declared that “the situation remains under control, and we’ll work in order to stabilise its buoyancy”.

The ‘Santísima Trinidad’ was branded as being in a stage of “temporary recess” in 2000, before being definitively decommissioned in 2004. After the ship was retired, a small crew remained on board to act as guards and maintain the destroyer.

“Given the volume of water and the limited bail capacity the personnel working on board was sent ashore,” said officials.

In 1982, the ‘Santísima Trinidad’ was involved in the Falklands/Malvinas War. It transported Argentine commandoes that attempted to invade and capture the islands.

It’s 2013 Friday again!

Happy new year, by the way, and I hope you missed me these last two weeks, even though I’m sure right now you’re going “There was no Weekly News Roundup for two weeks? Huh. I guess I didn’t notice.”

Well, I don’t care. I didn’t miss you either. I spent the first week of the year doing absolutely nothing, sitting on the beach re-reading The Catcher in the Rye and giggling like an idiot at the Grumpy Cat, the best internet phenomenon to slap the world in the face since “All your bases are belong to us“.

But enough talking about you and your uneventful Punta del Este / home-for-the-holidays anecdotes. Admit it: you’re glad you’re back in Argentina. You missed it like crazy. You missed its chaos, you missed its people, you missed its intoxicating deliriums of grandeur.

And most of all, you missed the sheer ridiculousness of our 24 hours news cycle.

Unless you never left, of course.

In a nutshell, this is what happened in the last two weeks (use this soundtrack for a more sensorial experience).

• 2012 was replaced by 2013, which I’m sure you already knew.

• The Subte fare is going up to $3.50. Yes, $3.50. Deal with it.

• Our beloved Frigate Libertad returned home and we all cried tears of joy at the sight of those proud sailors and the street vendors’ blatant displays of cheap nationalism.

• Lionel Messi got his fourth Ballon D’Or. I didn’t even know he had one. Actually, I didn’t even know what a Ballon D’Or was.

• British tabloid “The Sun” ran a full-page ad on the Buenos Aires Herald telling Argentines to keep their hands off the Malvinas/Falklands. No one cared.

• The YouTube gods reignited the population’s obsession with catfights.

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is touring South East Asia and must do so in a rental plane instead of the official presidential plane because she’s afraid the vulture funds are going to impound it. No, really.

• The Qom indigenous community are this close to becoming an endangered species but we still care more about who’s going to be a judge on this season’s Dancing with the Stars.

• The Subte A Line will remain closed until March and those nostalgia-inducing death traps that we used to ride from time to time will be dismantled and used for asado wood. I mean… “libraries.”

• If you are in Punta del Este, chances are you are being robbed right now. Seriously, check your wallet.

• Cristina got into a very, very public fight with über-Argentine and heartthrob actor Ricardo Darín after he casually dropped in an interview that he wanted to know how she made her fortune. She replied with a passive-aggressive open letter via Twitter and Facebook, and engaged in an ad hominem discussion about how she loves his movies and how he was once accused of illegally importing a car to the country. Remember that Mr. Darín, hmm?

• Moral of the story: don’t fuck with the president, loser. She’s like, the female version of Vladimir Putin. You just don’t fuck with her and expect to get away with it. Ever.

• By the way, regarding that link to “ad hominem“? You’re welcome.

OK. Now that you’re up to speed, welcome back. You can stop the music.

This is what you need to know, although bear in mind it’s January, which is a slow news month:

• 

  Mar del Plata continues to allure millions of tourists every year for some reason. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  We begin with what will surely be the story of the week, since it’s on the cover of every newspaper in this country today. Remember last year when President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner unveiled those evil-looking dolls that were supposed to represent the League of Extraordinary Bolivarian Liberators but in fact resembled a voodoo doll from a scene of A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master? Well step aside, horrible creatures of the underworld! Because there’s a new winner in this twisted Toy Story-esque universe. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new and improved Cristina doll (widow dress and presidential sash included in the set!). Now, before you start going “WTF is that thing?” let me just clarify that it’s a gift from the Argentine Toy Industry Chamber which has had huge returns this year because of import restrictions (fuck Monopoly, play El Estanciero and shut up). Alright, now that we got that out of the way, let’s move on to less relevant things, like rampant inflation.

• INFLATION! That terrifying, frumpish concept that keeps us guessing every month and keeps bringing us closer and closer to considering prostitution as a way to make ends meet. As we’ve become accustomed in the last few years, there is great disparity between the official inflation rate index and the one disclosed by independent economists. This year was not different, with the INDEC citing a 10.8% for 2012, and private consulting estimates placing it just over 25%. Congratulations Argentina! You have now surpassed Venezuela to become the country with the highest inflation rate in Latin America. As a reward, hacktivist group Anonymous decided to hack the INDEC’s website to denounce its lies. Ha! Kids.

• DOLLAR BLUE! That angelical way of calling the black market exchange rate of the US dollar in the dark alleys of mysterious Buenos Aires. That dewy sweet deal you procure to seal by getting rid of all your dollars once you return to Argentina from wherever the hell you come from. Yes, kids. The “dollar blue” exchange rate has reached $7.47 pesos today, which is almost 50% more than the official exchange rate, currently at $4.96. So you know… when you’re back, gimme a call so I know how you’re doing and we’ll meet for coffee. Oh, and bring your dollars for no particular reason.

• Remember the IMF? It’s back! Although not in pog form. No, this time it’s very real and as they prepare to meet on February 1st to discuss what to do with our rogue nation and its elusive ways, we better brace ourselves for what will surely be another harmless statement saying that if Argentina doesn’t change its strategy, the organization will have no choice but to warn us again.

• And if you didn’t get that “pog form” reference, A) You never watched The Simpsons and B) You suck.

• While visiting the UAE as part of her “Sex and The City 2” presidential tour, Cristina signed a series of bilateral agreements with the Emirati president Khalifa bin Al Nahayan. Then she met with “the girls” for a couple of appletinis and later met with downfallen football start Diego Maradona – currently an Obi-Wan Kenobi-esque cave dweller in the Abu Dhabi desert after being banished from Argentina –  who regaled her with the crassest flower bouquet humanity has ever witnessed. He also expressed his strong support for her administration, which is like, super easy to do when you’re living in a different country and getting paid in dollars. But stop judging you guys! In fact Diego has always strongly supported whoever was in power, even former president Carlos Menem and his Economy Minister Lex Luthor, both of them architects of the economic measures in the 90s that resulted in a mess that the Kirchners tried to clean up in the 00s. Don’t believe me? Here’s a photo of Maradona…ahem… “resting” during a press conference and wearing a t-shirt that reads “Thank you Mingo”, in reference to Mr. Luthor himself. That’s like praising Obama’s anti-war stance after wearing a “Thank you Cheney” t-shirt.  The Internet NEVER forgets, Maradona.

• Re: the flower bouquet… noticed the footballs on top? Oh Diego. Never change.

• The National Government has announced that it intends to enact a federal plan to slowly replace and repair the national railway network.

• Oh and conveniently, this happened today. So stay away from all trains until things are working at least by North Korean standards.  I mean, nothing to worry about. Just a passenger train that went off the rails but no one died, which means no biggie.

• And not to freak you out or anything, but a plane from Aerolíneas Argentinas “grazed” another from Air France while it was taxiing at the Miami International Airport yesterday.

• Oh, like you never dented another car while parking. Shut up. Look at it, it’s not so bad.

• Remember when three years ago everyone was crazy about the Dakar Rally because it launched from Buenos Aires, and everyone was like “Oh my God I’ve been following this forever!“, and everyone was like, yelling at the screens and everything, and waving Argentine flags when what’s his face won the quad bike races and all that? Remember how Cristina wore a pink helmet and rode the quad bike and stuff to celebrate? Remember how then the organization behind the rally decided to expand it to other countries and local people were like “Woa…” and then Argentina just became a “passing through” country and everyone was like “meh“? Yeah, well. That’s now. No one cares about it.

• This week Argentina was disqualified from the FIFA U-20 World Cup (whatever that means) and now everyone is sad. Pity. *cough*

• Also, for reasons that I fail to compute because I truly dislike football,
  

  Don't give me any of that "friendly" crap. You either kill or get killed. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  there’s a Superclasico coming to Mar del Plata this Saturday which, what do you know, happens to coincide with the busiest season.  Now, I understand that you like the circus. I understand that you don’t care about paying money for a spectacle that we all know is merely put up to exploit your blind fanaticism and rake in the big bucks. But why the bout of euphoria? Seriously. No matter who wins or loses, the result is exactly the same. It’s a friendly superclásico (I know, oxymoron much?), which means there’s no motivation to win beyond the satisfaction of mocking your rivals to the point of killing a couple hooligans outside the stadium but that’s it. It’s WrestleMania with a ball. It’s a gladiator fight in which both contenders survive. And I don’t know about you, but if I lived in ancient Rome I would have liked none of that sissy shit. Either you stab him in the neck or he stabs you but one of you has to die. If not, I want my gold coins back.

• And since we’re talking Superclásico: dear staff working at the US Embassy in Buenos Aires: I know you read me (oh yes, I know) and you know I love you. I really do. But you see, I hate football. So please let’s make sure THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN. In fact, let’s just pretend it never happened. Let’s just pretend that you decided to go with a lame reenactment of Gangnam Style, like this high school did. Sure, the Spartan name will live in infamy forever, a cheap tin plaque with its name on it hanging and gathering dust and cobwebs in the hall of eternal shame. But I’ll take that to football. So seriously. Never again.

• Did you click on that link to the high school video? Eerie, isn’t it? Hypnotic. Like you can’t stop looking at it even though your face feels like going through that rapid-aging process that kills the bad guy at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

The government of Falklands/Malvinas Islands has announced the dates of the referendum in which islanders will be able to express their opinion on the political status of the islands. The referendum will take place on 11th and 12th March “giving everyone the maximum opportunity to exercise their right to vote.”

The question published on the official website of Falklands/ Malvinas Islands Government is:

“The current political status of the Falkland Islands is that they are an Overseas Territory of the United Kingdom.  The Islands are internally self-governing, with the United Kingdom being responsible for matters including defence and foreign affairs.  [...]  Given that Argentina is calling for negotiations over the sovereignty of the Falkland Islands, this referendum is being undertaken to consult the people regarding their views on the political status of the Falkland Islands.  Should the majority of votes cast be against the current status, the Falkland Islands Government will undertake necessary consultation and preparatory work in order to conduct a further referendum on alternative options.

Do you wish the Falkland Islands to retain their current political status as an Overseas Territory of the United Kingdom?

YES or NO”

To facilitate the process, the government released an explanatory booklet and is planning to invite credible international missions to observe the process “to clearly demonstrate that it has been held freely and fairly.”

The government of Falklands/Malvinas Islands expressed its intention to hold the referendum on 12th June 2012, which was rejected by Argentine president Cristina Fernández de Kirchner. She asked the Decolonisation Committee of the United Nations: “Why not do a referendum in Iraq or Afghanistan?”, and demanded national sovereignty over the Falklands/Malvinas Islands.

On 3rd January president Fernández wrote an open letter to British Prime Minister David Cameron, asking the British government to respect the 1965 United Nations General Assembly resolution which calls for a diplomatic resolution to the issue.  The British Foreign Office responded via Twitter: “The people of the Falklands are British and have chosen to be so.”

The Argentine Ministry of Foreign Affairs released a statement yesterday rejecting British Prime Minister David Cameron’s latest comments on the Falklands/Malvinas conflict.

The official statement starts by repudiating “the military threats of [British] Prime Minister David Cameron related to the illegal occupation that Great Britain has exercised over the Malvinas Islands for the last 180 years.” It then goes on to request Cameron to “not use the legitimate and peaceful claims that we have made against the usurpation of part of our territory and against colonialism as an excuse to keep supporting the arms industry instead of resolving the severe social crisis which Europe is going through. People need more work and less wars.”

The ministry’s response comes after an interview Cameron gave the BBC, in which the British Prime Minister said his government would fight to keep the islands. ”Of course we would [fight for the islands] and we have strong defences in place on the Falkland Islands -that is absolutely key, that we have fast jets stationed there, we have troops stationed on the Falklands,” he said.

The Ministry of Foreign Affairs statement finished with a call for the UK “to accept the resolutions of the United Nations to resolve the Malvinas Issue in a peaceful way.”

The conflict between Argentina and the UK over the sovereignty of the Falklands/Malvinas Islands came back to the forefront last week after president Cristina Fernández de Kirchner published an open letter to Prime Minister Cameron on the British press, denouncing the “occupation” of the islands in 1833 and calling for a diplomatic solution to the conflict.

Prime Minister Cameron responded by insisting on the British position of upholding the principle of self-determination, and putting the issue of sovereignty to the islanders on a referendum to be held in March.

British tabloid The Sun today published an open letter in Argentine English-language newspaper The Buenos Aires Herald in response to President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner’s request for dialogue with British Prime Minister David Cameron regarding the sovereignty of the Falklands/Malvinas Islands.

Fernández’s letter, published yesterday in UK dailies The Guardian and The Independent, highlighted the 180th anniversary of the landing of British naval forces on the islands and called for the British government to “put an end to colonialism”.

The letter, addressed to Cameron, drew criticism from British media and prompted the British Foreign Office to respond, via Twitter, that Argentina must respect the islanders’ right to political self-determination.

“The people of the Falklands are British and have chosen to be so”, a Foreign Office spokesperson tweeted. “There can be no negotiations on the sovereignty of the Falklands Islands unless and until such time as the Islanders so wish”.

A referendum is due to be held in March regarding the Falklands/Malvinas status as a British Overseas Territory.

The Sun’s letter, published in both English and Spanish on page 5 of The Buenos Aires Herald, begins “Thirty one years ago this year, Argentina invaded the Falkland Islands, with the loss of 255 British service personnel, 649 Argentinian (sic) troops and three civilian Falklanders”.

It continues, “This action was in direct conflict with the United Nation’s charter’s principle of self-determination in which the people of the Falkland Islands are British and have chosen to be so”.

Much of The Sun’s letter, as well as criticism from other media outlets, takes issue with Fernández’s wording and interpretation of the events of 1833. The Argentine line of thinking affirms that its settlers and governor were forcibly removed from the islands by the invading British Royal Navy, and that the islands constitute an integral part of the nation’s sovereign territory.

The UK affirms that British territorial claims to the islands date back earlier than the South American nations’.

“British sovereignty over the Falkland Islands dates back to 1765 – before the Republic of Argentina even existed”, The Sun states. “The islands have never been governed by or formed part of the sovereign territory of the Republic of Argentina”.

The letter concludes with the firm warning “Hands off!” The Sun drew criticism during the 1982 Falklands/Malvinas war for its sensationalist headline “Gotcha”, at the sinking of Argentine light cruiser ARA General Belgrano, in which 323 Argentine sailors were killed.

At the time of writing, President Fernández has not responded publicly to the letter.

An open letter from President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner to British Prime Minister David Cameron printed today in The Guardian once again invited the British government to open a dialogue regarding the sovereignty of the contested Falklands/Malvinas Islands. The letter, which appeared as an advertisement in the International section, was reprinted in various British and Argentine newspapers.

The publication of the letter was timed to coincide with the 180th anniversary of the landing on the islands by the British Royal Navy. Addressed to Prime Minister Cameron, it begins “One hundred and eighty years ago on this same date, January 3rd, in a blatant exercise of 19th-century colonialism, Argentina was forcibly stripped of the Malvinas Islands, which are situated 14,000km (8,700 miles) away from London.”

It continues “Since then, Britain, the colonial power, has refused to return the territories to the Argentine Republic, thus preventing it from restoring its territorial integrity.” Fernández then asks the British government to respect the 1965 United Nations General Assembly resolution which calls for a diplomatic resolution to the issue.

“In the name of the Argentine people, I reiterate our invitation for us to abide by the resolutions of the United Nations”, the letter concludes.

The British Foreign Office was quick to respond via Twitter, stating “There are three parties to this debate, not just two as Argentina likes to pretend. The Islanders can’t just be written out of history”. They continue, “The people of the Falklands are British and have chosen to be so.”

Spokespeople from the Falklands/Malvinas have formerly stated that they do not consider themselves a colony, but rather a willing member of the United Kingdom. A referendum will be held on the islands in March to decide whether the inhabitants wish to continue being a British territory, or change their status.

British media have been quick to criticise the content of the letter, accusing President Fernández of historical inaccuracies regarding Argentina’s claim to the Islands and the Argentine presence there in 1833 at the time of the British occupation.

In a column that published in The Telegraph, Nile Gardiner, a former advisor to former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, described the letter as “a pathetic act of desperation that simply underlines the futility of the cause”.

Meanwhile, in Buenos Aires, the National Commission of ex-Combatants of the Malvinas will deliver their own letter to the British Embassy today, with the support of the Madres and Abuelas of the Plaza de Mayo, expressing their “concern before the fact that Great Britain does not respect the UN’s resolutions”.

Ernesto Alonso, head of the Commission, told Página/12 “We have always felt that it was a mistake on the part of the dictatorship to take back the islands militarily, it was a decision that placed the islands even further out of our grasp. Latin America is a peaceful region and all we are asking for is dialogue.”

The British government has released over 3,500 official documents from 1982 related to the ten-week war on the Falklands/ Malvinas islands. The documents include testimonials by then-British Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, given behind closed doors to the Falkland Islands Review Committee in October 1982.

The papers were released under the 30-year rule, which states official documents must be declassified after 30 years, unless the information contained within them could put Britain’s national security at risk.

Key revelations include how the Argentine invasion of the islands took Thatcher by surprise. She told the committee: “I never, never expected the Argentines to invade the Falklands head-on. It was such a stupid thing to do, as events happened, such a stupid thing even to contemplate doing.”

They also show the fears Thatcher had over re-taking the islands. Speaking of 31st March 1982, when “raw intelligence” proved the invasion was imminent, she said: ”That night no-one could tell me whether we could retake the Falklands – no-one. We did not know – we did not know.”

Such were her fears, that days after the Argentine invasion, Thatcher contemplated ceding administration of the archipelago to the United Nations, in view to granting them independence.

The papers also reveal failed attempts by the former Mexican president, José López Portillo, to coordinate a meeting in Cancún between Thatcher and Argentina’s de-facto leader Leopoldo Galtieri in May 1982.

However, various documents, including some related to the submarine that sunk Argentina’s Belgrano warship, have not been made public.

The war lasted from 2nd April to 14th June 1982. Casualties included 650 Argentine soldiers, 255 British servicemen and three Falklands civilians.

It’s Friday again!

And today is of course a very special day for all of us!

No, I’m not talking about today being another holiday to commemorate the death of Argentina’s forefather José de San Martín (which, by the way, was moved to Monday to make it a long weekend for some reason. Wouldn’t Friday be the same thing?).

No, the reason is that this column is turning two years old this week!

It was almost two years ago that out of a drunken epiphany I decided to create a weekly summary of Argentine news for the average (i.e. lazy) expats who took pride in claiming that they didn’t care who the president of this country was.

Hence the first Weekly News Roundup (seen here) was born on a cold, rainy morning of August 20th, 2010.

It was a short, unfunny, half-assed attempt at writing something different that only got two comments, one of them from a friend of mine (meaning it doesn’t count) and the other from some guy who congratulated me for being “very optimist” (I assume he meant optimistic). And look! I hadn’t even adopted the name “Bono” as my nom de plume!

But despite the public’s intentional indifference I persisted because I pretty much had nothing better to do with my life, and a few years, a lot of practice and a lot of hate mail later, this column evolved naturally into the beautiful, stylistic piece of shit prose that it is today.

So even though it’s only 9 AM, I raise my glass and salute you, my loyal readers/detractors who week after week come to this column to laugh/become infected with rage.

This is only the beginning.

And remember to like our Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can keep up with the coming changes.

Oh! And I almost forgot: I’m going away on vacation this weekend so don’t expect a Weekly News Roundup next Friday.

I know, scary right? It’s like when you were little and you lost your mom in the amusement park. You knew she would come back eventually because it’s a closed environment, but in the meantime it was up to you to survive.

Well, that’s you next week. Make me proud.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Three weeks ago no one gave a shit about Taekwondo. Some guy winds a gold medal. Now everyone's a fan. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández  de Kirchner, who never lets a photo op go to waste, welcomed in Casa Rosada the Argentine athletes who competed in the London 2012 Olympics and, flanked by new national hero and only gold winner Sebastián Crismanich, boasted that since the Kirchners took over in 2003 Argentina has won a total of 16 medals. Sure, when you say it like that you naturally go “That’s it?”, but considering that in the 44 years before the country had only obtained fourteen, she was proud to congratulate those that with perseverance, honor, courage and self-confidence had brought joy to their nation.

• Then of course she fucked it all up by applauding the women’s national field hockey team for kicking the UK’s ass in the Olympics. “When you defeated England, it was like winning a gold medal. It’s a good thing you won! Otherwise I would have been so upset!” she laughed. Hah! Nothing like some healthy incitement to xenophobia in the hands of a charismatic leader. I can’t wait to see what she has in store for Rio 2016.

• Everyone’s favorite mischievous Vice-President Amado Boudou had the dubious honor of being included in a list of trouble-making veeps from around the world published this week on Foreign Policy. Along with Boudou are four other VP superstars, including Sierra Leone’s Samuel Sam-Sumana and Sudan’s Ali Osman Taha. It’s like the international affairs version of The Breakfast Club, in which Boudou is obviously Emilio Estevez and Sam-Sumana is a machete-wielding Judd Nelson. I don’t know about you but I would totally pay to go see that.

•  Now, I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about what was probably the biggest story of the week, involving the Indec national statistics agency and their infamous report saying that you can eat with only $6 pesos a day. Even though most of the media coverage surrounding that story was not entirely accurate, everyone knows their inflation index is nothing short of a joke.  So the Argentine chapter of the hacktivist group Anonymous, obviously not amused but such a blatant display of disregard for the public’s intelligence, decided that it was fair game to hack the Indec’s website, just for shits and giggles.

•  After the most nightmarish and paralyzing week to have ever been experienced in Buenos Aires since the Toddy cookies disappeared from the shelves, the subway workers came to a “feeble” agreement with the City Government and Metrovías after ten days of strike. The most important part of this paragraph is the word “feeble,” since it means chances are we’ll be dealing with another strike in just a couple of weeks.

•  As further evidence that this is a ticking time bomb of unfathomable proportions, the City government has announced that five new subway stations have been finished but cannot be opened to the public because there aren’t enough trains.

• Jesus, just shut down the whole thing and leave it there. Don’t you watch scary movies? Worst case scenario, it becomes a hideout for comic book villains and mutant creatures  that feed on homeless people. At $2.50 a ride that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

• Now that the Olympics are over and Argentine athletes don’t have to worry about being deported from England before obtaining any medals, we can all go back to the usual bickering about the Malvinas/Falklands. Newspapers around the country were horrified over the impending arrival of a warship to the islands this week that they themselves announced only a few months ago and now seemed to have completely forgotten about it.

• And because one Malvinas/Falklands-related scandal a week is obviously not enough, the local media decided to run a shocking non-story accusing the Uruguayans of referring to the islands as “Falklands” instead of “Malvinas,” as any respectable non-imperialist Latin nation would do. The preposterous and offensive error was found in some random document no one gives a shit about and was clearly the result of an hungover intern, but that did’t stop the local press from pretty much accusing the Uruguayans of treason. Fortunately President José Mujíca apologized in time before both nations broke relations and announced he would launch “an official investigation”. No, he did. Like, for real.

• Awesome news, everyone! Finally here’s something you can show your parents so they can shut up about how you’re throwing your life away in some South American city that is slowly spinning into the boiling rivers of the Underworld. According to prestigious magazine “The Economist,” Buenos Aires has been picked as Latin America’s best city to live in. In your face, Brazilian Buenos Aires!

• And those of you who complained about the current state of things in this country and moved to Uruguay, you can stay there. We don’t want you back.

• The Córdoba province, not content with trying to expel all prostitutes from its sovereign territory a few weeks ago, is now openly warning that if you have an “amputated penis” you cannot join the police force. That’s right, transsexuals! If you wanna be a cop you gotta take it like a man. That means: have a penis. The new regulation also rejects people who are missing one finger, have diabetes or a stutter. Keep making everyone proud, Córdoba! I can’t wait for you to outlaw divorce and reinstate the use of leeches for curing cancer.

• And speaking of fucked up provinces, remember Salta? You can now add this to the list of weird crimes taking place there. Seriously that place needs its own special CSI unit. Just stay away from it.

• Ready to be enraged? Here’s a domestic violence video that was all over the news and went viral this week showing a coward asshole beating his ex-wife in front of their daughter.

• Ready to be enraged even more? His only punishment is to stay away from the woman for 90 days.

• As more cases like these continue to surface, at least one political party has reacted in some sort of way and called for Congress to  declare a national emergency on gender violence, since according to a new report cases have increased a 57% in the last two years.

• OK, this is the part you don’t want your parents to know about. Just stick to the article on The Economist and you’ll be fine.

• This week, in Completely Unnecessary Displays of Self-confidence:
  

  You will never look at Delacroix's painting the same way after being exposed to Moria Casán's intoxicating photographs. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  former erotica star and current wrinkled grandmother Moria Casán wants you to know that she is not losing any sleep over accusations that she stole an $80,000 necklace from a Paraguayan jeweler. So she agreed to a racy and gag-inducing photo shoot for Noticias magazine, in which she impersonates Lady Liberty herself, spear in hand and Phrygian cap on wig. The photos are NSFW but don’t worry, the worst parts are censored, praise Jesus. Just make sure you don’t click on that link with the lights off.

• Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

• Agh, who am I kidding. I wasn’t even gonna go.

• And regarding football: it’s been awfully quiet lately. It’s almost as if such dead calm is announcing a coming storm that will explode in a ravaging sea of fire and fury, destroying everything in its path until no living thing is left standing. The hooligans are silent, the players aren’t engaging in prostitution scandals and the sports commentators are surprisingly accurate during the games. So since there’s nothing interesting to tell, here’s the gruesome video of a leg fracture during an Argentinos Juniors match last weekend. Enjoy!

It’s Friday again!

And pretty much like every other weekend in Argentina, it’s a long weekend!

Yes, people. This Monday is a holiday since Argentina celebrates it’s Independence Day on July 9.

So I guess American readers living here are doubling their  independence celebrations. Congrats, Americans!

Unless you work in a call center or telemarketing office. In that case you’re fucked because you still probably have to work.

Don’t worry though, in order to lighten up your miserable life, here’s the ultimate fireworks fail compilation, designated to at least make you giggle while the slave master lashes at you with his leather whip.

So enjoy the temporary escapism and once you’re done laughing at others, proceed to like our Facebook page and then read this column.

Information is good for you.

This is what you need to know:

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  Former dictator and probable inspiration for Darth Vader Jorge Rafael Videla. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Warning: this next post might give you nightmares. So no hate mail, OK? OK.

• In order to continue with the slow process of indoctrinating the younger generations so by the time they grow up they become an army of British-hating, Chávez-loving minions, while giving a speech at the Government House this week, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner introduced the population to the ultimate brainwashing weapon. You know how popular political figures – specially charismatic leaders – always get their own action figure? Obama has one! Chávez has one! There’s even a Lego-like Axis of Evil set that I totally want! So this will come as no surprise to you. I give you: the Cristina doll! A terrifying, goosebumps-inducing creature stuffed with porcupine hair and hand-painted with the tears of thousands of virgin girls. Pick your favorite! Mine is the one with the Louis Vuitton bag, seen here with her conniving posse. At least we know she’s keeping it real.  You can get them for $65 at the Government House and contribute to the fight against imperialism, one doll at a time.

• You don’t like the Cristina one? Don’t worry, you can also get the Juan and Evita Perón set! Even Néstor Kirchner is there, with his suspicious angel wings and everything!

• Yes, from all the politics-related news this week, I chose to open the column with that one. Whatever.

• Now, I know that Cristina can usually be a pain in the ass with her professorial tone and bullying attitude, but when she’s not engaging in cauldron-stirring activities she can be pretty awesome. On that same ceremony, and surrounded by members of the transgender and transsexual community, Cristina awarded several citizens with the first DNIs issued under the new Gender Identity Law. She then gave a moving speech in which she apologized to sexual minority groups for “taking so long” to grant them legal recognition. See? She can be cool sometimes.

• Her kick-ass attitude extended into the day after, when she was giving a speech from the Government House to announce the creation of 1,600 new homes along with Caritas, a Catholic charity organization. With a high-ranking Monsignor sitting a few meters away from her, she just couldn’t help herself. “It’s a good thing you weren’t here yesterday or you’d be excommunicating me right now,” she told him jokingly in reference to the Catholic Church horror (and underlying curiosity) towards everything gay. “It was a beautiful ceremony. We live in a complex world, but I’m absolutely sure God loves us all the same, no matter what,” she told him (at the 12:40 mark) as everyone cheered. Witness the Monsignor’s face, clearly trying to throw her out of the window by means of psychokinesis, at the 13:30 mark.

• Speaking of real evil people, former Argentine dictator and current disgraced prisoner Jorge Rafael Videla  once again got what he deserved and was sentenced to 50 years in prison after being found guilty of creating a scheme to systematically abduct the children of political prisoners who were born in captivity. Oh, you think the punishment isn’t too harsh? Don’t worry though. He’s 86 and he’s also been found guilty of many other horrible deeds. If you add them all up he’s supposed to be in prison for like 1000 years. So unless he’s one of the guys in that Highlander movie, I’d say he’s pretty fucked.

• It’s official, everyone! You’re no longer able to buy dollars unless you’re planning on traveling abroad. Game over, man! So if you want to save in dollars, forget about it. You have no choice but to save in Argentine pesos. Wanna buy a property? Can’t pay in dollars. Wanna buy US$100 because you’re saving for a trip next year? Can’t do it, unless you already have your ticket. Oh, the humanity! The Central Bank, however, has assured that the measure is just “temporary” which we all know means “will last forever.” Or until Videla is released from prison. Both examples work.

• The Buenos Aires province is out of money. So now that Governor Daniel Scioli has announced he will pay the bi-annual bonuses (usually paid in the state workers’ June salary) in four installments, the entire population is up in arms. So expect a loooooot of strikes in the next few weeks unless this problem is resolved soon (Spoilert Alert: it won’t).

•  *Eye roll* coming  in 3… 2… 1…

• This week, in the Malvinas/Falklands conundrum (See? I told you): since despite our reticence to admit it Argentina is totally China’s complacent bitch now, the Government keeps sucking up to our Asian friends and has now sent Defense Minister Arturo Puricelli in an official visit. So while holding a press conference in the Argentine embassy in Beijing, the minister stated that Argentina is looking to recover the islands by following the diplomatic path paved by the Hong Kong transfer of sovereignty from the UK to China in 1997. Well there you have it people. This is one for all you warmongers out there shaking their fist in the air, making the islanders feel as if a war with Argentina is imminent. And if the sovereign transfer ever took place, going by what happened in Hong Kong just five days ago, I can say with full confidence that the islanders will feel like they are living in Argentina in no time.

• To continue our video segment that I have gleefully labeled “Government officials beating the shit out of other people,” I’d like to introduce you this week to Gustavo Steven, mayor of the town of Santa Sylvina, in Chaco. According to another government official, Mr. Steven has been a little naughty and decided to use state funds to improve his humble abode. So, armed with a video camera, he showed up in front of Steven’s home to denounce that the bricks being unloaded from a truck had been paid by the taxpayers. Steven was apparently not amused by his rival’s stunt, and at the 1:45 mark began to beat the shit out of him. Ha! Politics can be so much fun sometimes. Most of the time it’s not, but sometimes… it’s a hoot.

• Poverty sucks, and that is a fact. So of course, whenever we see a poor walking down the street, it breaks our hearts and makes us feel terrible since we’re kind, empathetic beings. Fortunately, through the power of looking the other way, we can always look the other way and pretend we never saw anything. There, problem solved. Sometimes, however, the poor refuse to leave our field of vision, and that is in essence a problem for those who are trying to ignore them. And this is what is happening to the poor (but rich) residents of Puerto Madero, who are being increasingly surrounded by the poor (the actual poor). In this potential Pulitzer-prize-winning piece published on Perfil that begins with the utterly majestic line “Homelessness is a world wide phenomenon that grows whenever a crisis hits,”  the richest residents of the City expose their predicaments and explain that since they pay really high taxes they don’t want to see homeless people sleeping around in the area at night. See? And people say it’s easy being rich. They have no idea.

• Congratulations Buenos Aires! At long last, after decades of failing miserably to replicate the alluring, cosmopolitan aroma of the most popular European / American cities, you have finally succeeded now that having one of those shitty watered-down cups of coffee in a random greasy bar in Abasto costs the same (or more!) than in New York or Paris. Oh, lala! Quelle surprise!

• Speaking of aromas, did you happen to notice that the entire city smelled
  

  Your cat. You beat the shit out of him even though he didn't do anything. Now he hates you, and that's a fact. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  like cat pee last Sunday? Nauseating, wasn’t it? Did you reprimand your cat by spanking him for several hours, surprised that after many years of pristine behavior he decided to mark his territory in such a barbaric, uncivilized way? If so, I hope you feel guilty, since your cat had nothing to do with it. According to official Government sources (and to everyone on Twitter who used the #pisdegato hashtag) there was an ammonia spill in Dock Sud (it is still unclear whether it was intentional or accidental) that affected the entire city, especially the areas of  Balvanera, Núñez, Belgrano, Palermo and San Telmo. Don’t worry though, authorities said the spill was not lethal, which you probably realized since you’re still alive. Also, I believe you owe your cat an apology (unless you don’t own a cat. In that case you’re OK).

• The entire country is still in shock after witnessing the jaw-dropping security footage of a robbery attempt in Castelar this week, in which a gun-toting robber decides to shoot a pregnant woman after her husband offered some resistance and refused to let the perpetrator into their home.  You know how we keep saying you need to be very careful when entering your home at night? This is why. By the way, fortunately the woman was only shot in the leg. She and her unborn child are both OK.

• Let’s say you’re driving down the Paranamerican Highway or the Cantilo Av. after midnight, minding your own business when a red light stops you. So you turn your head to your left to check out the sweet ride that has stopped right next to you to see if…-HOLY MOTHER OF GOD IT’S A FIGHTER JET ON THE HIGHWAY. Yeah. That’s what pretty much everyone thought. That, and that the war with the UK had started again. Don’t worry though, it was just being towed somewhere for no apparent reason.

• The fuckery continues in the neighboring nation of Paraguay, and now the new Government in charge of leading an institutional coup against former president Fernando Lugo is accusing the Venezuelan government of trying to lead an actual coup against them. Because democracy is what really matters, people!

• Oh, Dancing With The Stars, what has befallen ye? Back in those happy olden days of yore, you would provide us with quality content during dinner that we would share with our kids, explaining why those bikini-clad damsels were prostituting themselves while squabbling with the colorful members of the jury. But lately you have become socially maladroit, discomfiting your audience with questionable content that is loosely related to dancing. Because according to the tyranny of ratings, 2012 now belongs to Charlotte Chantal, the buoyant socialite daughter of nouveau riche Mariana Nannis, whose longstanding  gravitas and down-to-earth-ness would put Paris Hilton and any character from Gossip Girl to shame. And Charlotte, being all rich and cute and stupid, sells. She sells a lot! So imagine everyone’s surprise this week when host Marcelo Tinelli decided to ditch the entire format of his show after the opening credits and turn it into a three-hour-long, Charlotte-centric cirque-de-merde that obeyed her every whim. As millions turned to Twitter to voice their discombobulation and stupor with a very loud “What the fuck is going on here?”, Charlotte and Tinelli shared some pizza across the street from the studio and then staged a gay marathon (?) that ended with every contestant entering the studio floor, which by then had been turned into a nightclub.

• Even Tinelli’s son tweeted about the Fremdschämen he was experiencing by looking at his dad wearing a wig and high heel boots on the TV screen. Was host Marcelo Tinelli drunk? Uncertain. Was he high? Maybe. One thing is sure though so let’s face it, friends: Charlotte Chantal has become the undisputed queen of Argentine television. And she’s here to stay.

• In the meantime, dethroned queen of Argentine television Ricardo Fort was struggling last Saturday to keep his train wreck of a show afloat and above flat lining ratings. And he lost. Miserably.

• Also he’s been indicted over tax fraud accusations. Not a good year for Mr. Fort I guess.

• And finally, guess what: THERE’S NO FOOTBALL! The Clausura Tournament is over and the Apertura Tournament is still like two weeks away or so! So while all of you idiots complain about “how hard it is” to spend a few weekend without the sport that shall not be named, I will be dancing on your graves.

• Also, Boca Juniors lost against the Corinthians. Whatever.