It’s 2013 Friday again!

Happy new year, by the way, and I hope you missed me these last two weeks, even though I’m sure right now you’re going “There was no Weekly News Roundup for two weeks? Huh. I guess I didn’t notice.”

Well, I don’t care. I didn’t miss you either. I spent the first week of the year doing absolutely nothing, sitting on the beach re-reading The Catcher in the Rye and giggling like an idiot at the Grumpy Cat, the best internet phenomenon to slap the world in the face since “All your bases are belong to us“.

But enough talking about you and your uneventful Punta del Este / home-for-the-holidays anecdotes. Admit it: you’re glad you’re back in Argentina. You missed it like crazy. You missed its chaos, you missed its people, you missed its intoxicating deliriums of grandeur.

And most of all, you missed the sheer ridiculousness of our 24 hours news cycle.

Unless you never left, of course.

In a nutshell, this is what happened in the last two weeks (use this soundtrack for a more sensorial experience).

• 2012 was replaced by 2013, which I’m sure you already knew.

• The Subte fare is going up to $3.50. Yes, $3.50. Deal with it.

• Our beloved Frigate Libertad returned home and we all cried tears of joy at the sight of those proud sailors and the street vendors’ blatant displays of cheap nationalism.

• Lionel Messi got his fourth Ballon D’Or. I didn’t even know he had one. Actually, I didn’t even know what a Ballon D’Or was.

• British tabloid “The Sun” ran a full-page ad on the Buenos Aires Herald telling Argentines to keep their hands off the Malvinas/Falklands. No one cared.

• The YouTube gods reignited the population’s obsession with catfights.

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is touring South East Asia and must do so in a rental plane instead of the official presidential plane because she’s afraid the vulture funds are going to impound it. No, really.

• The Qom indigenous community are this close to becoming an endangered species but we still care more about who’s going to be a judge on this season’s Dancing with the Stars.

• The Subte A Line will remain closed until March and those nostalgia-inducing death traps that we used to ride from time to time will be dismantled and used for asado wood. I mean… “libraries.”

• If you are in Punta del Este, chances are you are being robbed right now. Seriously, check your wallet.

• Cristina got into a very, very public fight with über-Argentine and heartthrob actor Ricardo Darín after he casually dropped in an interview that he wanted to know how she made her fortune. She replied with a passive-aggressive open letter via Twitter and Facebook, and engaged in an ad hominem discussion about how she loves his movies and how he was once accused of illegally importing a car to the country. Remember that Mr. Darín, hmm?

• Moral of the story: don’t fuck with the president, loser. She’s like, the female version of Vladimir Putin. You just don’t fuck with her and expect to get away with it. Ever.

• By the way, regarding that link to “ad hominem“? You’re welcome.

OK. Now that you’re up to speed, welcome back. You can stop the music.

This is what you need to know, although bear in mind it’s January, which is a slow news month:

• 

  Mar del Plata continues to allure millions of tourists every year for some reason. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  We begin with what will surely be the story of the week, since it’s on the cover of every newspaper in this country today. Remember last year when President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner unveiled those evil-looking dolls that were supposed to represent the League of Extraordinary Bolivarian Liberators but in fact resembled a voodoo doll from a scene of A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master? Well step aside, horrible creatures of the underworld! Because there’s a new winner in this twisted Toy Story-esque universe. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new and improved Cristina doll (widow dress and presidential sash included in the set!). Now, before you start going “WTF is that thing?” let me just clarify that it’s a gift from the Argentine Toy Industry Chamber which has had huge returns this year because of import restrictions (fuck Monopoly, play El Estanciero and shut up). Alright, now that we got that out of the way, let’s move on to less relevant things, like rampant inflation.

• INFLATION! That terrifying, frumpish concept that keeps us guessing every month and keeps bringing us closer and closer to considering prostitution as a way to make ends meet. As we’ve become accustomed in the last few years, there is great disparity between the official inflation rate index and the one disclosed by independent economists. This year was not different, with the INDEC citing a 10.8% for 2012, and private consulting estimates placing it just over 25%. Congratulations Argentina! You have now surpassed Venezuela to become the country with the highest inflation rate in Latin America. As a reward, hacktivist group Anonymous decided to hack the INDEC’s website to denounce its lies. Ha! Kids.

• DOLLAR BLUE! That angelical way of calling the black market exchange rate of the US dollar in the dark alleys of mysterious Buenos Aires. That dewy sweet deal you procure to seal by getting rid of all your dollars once you return to Argentina from wherever the hell you come from. Yes, kids. The “dollar blue” exchange rate has reached $7.47 pesos today, which is almost 50% more than the official exchange rate, currently at $4.96. So you know… when you’re back, gimme a call so I know how you’re doing and we’ll meet for coffee. Oh, and bring your dollars for no particular reason.

• Remember the IMF? It’s back! Although not in pog form. No, this time it’s very real and as they prepare to meet on February 1st to discuss what to do with our rogue nation and its elusive ways, we better brace ourselves for what will surely be another harmless statement saying that if Argentina doesn’t change its strategy, the organization will have no choice but to warn us again.

• And if you didn’t get that “pog form” reference, A) You never watched The Simpsons and B) You suck.

• While visiting the UAE as part of her “Sex and The City 2” presidential tour, Cristina signed a series of bilateral agreements with the Emirati president Khalifa bin Al Nahayan. Then she met with “the girls” for a couple of appletinis and later met with downfallen football start Diego Maradona – currently an Obi-Wan Kenobi-esque cave dweller in the Abu Dhabi desert after being banished from Argentina –  who regaled her with the crassest flower bouquet humanity has ever witnessed. He also expressed his strong support for her administration, which is like, super easy to do when you’re living in a different country and getting paid in dollars. But stop judging you guys! In fact Diego has always strongly supported whoever was in power, even former president Carlos Menem and his Economy Minister Lex Luthor, both of them architects of the economic measures in the 90s that resulted in a mess that the Kirchners tried to clean up in the 00s. Don’t believe me? Here’s a photo of Maradona…ahem… “resting” during a press conference and wearing a t-shirt that reads “Thank you Mingo”, in reference to Mr. Luthor himself. That’s like praising Obama’s anti-war stance after wearing a “Thank you Cheney” t-shirt.  The Internet NEVER forgets, Maradona.

• Re: the flower bouquet… noticed the footballs on top? Oh Diego. Never change.

• The National Government has announced that it intends to enact a federal plan to slowly replace and repair the national railway network.

• Oh and conveniently, this happened today. So stay away from all trains until things are working at least by North Korean standards.  I mean, nothing to worry about. Just a passenger train that went off the rails but no one died, which means no biggie.

• And not to freak you out or anything, but a plane from Aerolíneas Argentinas “grazed” another from Air France while it was taxiing at the Miami International Airport yesterday.

• Oh, like you never dented another car while parking. Shut up. Look at it, it’s not so bad.

• Remember when three years ago everyone was crazy about the Dakar Rally because it launched from Buenos Aires, and everyone was like “Oh my God I’ve been following this forever!“, and everyone was like, yelling at the screens and everything, and waving Argentine flags when what’s his face won the quad bike races and all that? Remember how Cristina wore a pink helmet and rode the quad bike and stuff to celebrate? Remember how then the organization behind the rally decided to expand it to other countries and local people were like “Woa…” and then Argentina just became a “passing through” country and everyone was like “meh“? Yeah, well. That’s now. No one cares about it.

• This week Argentina was disqualified from the FIFA U-20 World Cup (whatever that means) and now everyone is sad. Pity. *cough*

• Also, for reasons that I fail to compute because I truly dislike football,
  

  Don't give me any of that "friendly" crap. You either kill or get killed. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  there’s a Superclasico coming to Mar del Plata this Saturday which, what do you know, happens to coincide with the busiest season.  Now, I understand that you like the circus. I understand that you don’t care about paying money for a spectacle that we all know is merely put up to exploit your blind fanaticism and rake in the big bucks. But why the bout of euphoria? Seriously. No matter who wins or loses, the result is exactly the same. It’s a friendly superclásico (I know, oxymoron much?), which means there’s no motivation to win beyond the satisfaction of mocking your rivals to the point of killing a couple hooligans outside the stadium but that’s it. It’s WrestleMania with a ball. It’s a gladiator fight in which both contenders survive. And I don’t know about you, but if I lived in ancient Rome I would have liked none of that sissy shit. Either you stab him in the neck or he stabs you but one of you has to die. If not, I want my gold coins back.

• And since we’re talking Superclásico: dear staff working at the US Embassy in Buenos Aires: I know you read me (oh yes, I know) and you know I love you. I really do. But you see, I hate football. So please let’s make sure THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN. In fact, let’s just pretend it never happened. Let’s just pretend that you decided to go with a lame reenactment of Gangnam Style, like this high school did. Sure, the Spartan name will live in infamy forever, a cheap tin plaque with its name on it hanging and gathering dust and cobwebs in the hall of eternal shame. But I’ll take that to football. So seriously. Never again.

• Did you click on that link to the high school video? Eerie, isn’t it? Hypnotic. Like you can’t stop looking at it even though your face feels like going through that rapid-aging process that kills the bad guy at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Argentine President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner has planned to visit her Venezuelan counterpart Hugo Chávez in Havana this week.

Hugo Chávez is recovering from an operation related to his cancer struggle in Cuba and will miss his scheduled inauguration in Caracas on 10th January.

Oscar Parrilli, secretary general of the presidency, confirmed that Fernández would make a stop in Cuba at the start of her world tour in which she will be visiting United Arab Emirates, Indonesia and Vietnam.

Página 12 has quoted a government source as saying that “the trip [to Cuba] is being managed very carefully and is a private trip”. Fernández and Chávez have been long-time political allies and share a close personal relationship. According to the same source the Argentine president would only remain in the Caribbean country for 30 hours before starting her official trip.

Hugo Chávez with President Fernández's late husband Nestór Kirchner (Wikimedia Commons)

According to La Nación, the Argentine government received a message asking Fernández to postpone her visit to Cuba but the president insisted she wanted to visit, at least to support Chávez’s family.

La Nación also published that last Thursday Fernández had sent Ricardo Follonier, an aide to the late President Néstor Kirchner and close to the Venezuelan government, to Cuba to express the Argentine government’s support.

Hundreds of Chávez supporters marched yesterday in Buenos Aires in support of the Venezuelan president. The supporters, many members of social movements and political parties, marched to the Venezuelan embassy to deliver a letter of support and solidarity.

“The Argentine people thank you and promise that we will stand firm in following your teachings, defending our achievements, and continue fighting for what still needs to be done,” the letter read.

It’s Friday again!

And before we begin dwelling in the puddle of blood and violence that we experienced this week, I believe I should address the big fat elephant in the room.

Yes, last week’s Weekly News Roundup went viral. Yes, it got thousands of hits. Yes, this week many new readers will show up hoping to experience the same laughter fest that they came across last Friday.

But the pressure is too big to top that, so let me just say: it’s not going to happen.

Last week was a collective experience so it was relatable, it had a narrative and it was perfect to let your parents/friends know about what an exciting/terrifying experience it is to live in Buenos Aires.

This week: meh.

It’s like when your favorite TV show wins a “Best Drama Series” Emmy award after a flawless season, and the writers become apathetic and rest on their laurels so they come up with a half-baked, disappointing plot that satisfies no one (I’m looking at you, writers of The X-Files, 24 and Homeland).

Well, that’s me today. I am those writers. So read it, take it for what it is and go on with your life.

In the meantime I’ll be crying in the bathroom, reminiscing of my glory days.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Roger Federer may play tennis, but what we're really interested in is what he thinks about football. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  There is really nothing funny to say about what was the biggest story of the week: the Marita Verón case, which investigated the disappearance of a 23-year-old woman from Tucumán. You probably know all about it by now, but in case you haven’t heard, all thirteen suspects in the case were acquitted, and national outrage ensued.

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner wasn’t happy about it and asked Congress to reconvene in extraordinary sessions before the end of the month to pass an amendment on the Human Trafficking law.

• After such a fucked up ruling it was only logical that an angry mob would show up a day later in front of the Tucumán province offices in downtown Buenos Aires to express their discontent. It was also only logical that the area would turn into a war zone that looked like a scene from Black Hawk Down.

• A couple of hours after the downtown debacle, another storm was brewing a few blocks away. You see, while many that day had headed over to Facebook to post about how “fun” it was to point out that at 12:12 PM on 12/12/12 it was like, “OMG it’s all twelves!”, every Boca Juniors fan in the known universe was getting ready for war, since they were all getting together in front of the Obelisco to celebrate the “World Boca Juniors Fan Day” (?), whatever that means. Over 50,000 people gathered there to chant happily about football and Jesus, but alas! When the crowds get too big they always end up losing control because you know how mischievous these guys are. So they broke store windows, ransacked entire businesses, destroyed the Mc Donald’s at the corner and tried to kill the police. Ha! Crazy kids.

• Remember how last week Crónica came up with those inventive headlines about Chernobyl and Venice? Well this week, their news van was pleasantly parked in front of the Obelisco during the Boca event, until it suddenly got surrounded by thousands of savages who pillaged and looted it, spray painted it and then destroyed it. Can you imagine being inside that news van while this is happening outside? And for a headline, I would have totally gone with “Mogadishu“.

• And since they were at it, the Boca zombies also decided it would be a good idea to attack the entrance to Canal 13, which as we know belongs to Grupo Clarín and is therefore the fountain of all maladies. Here’s the footage. Watch it. It’s a glimpse into the future. A grim testimony of what the downfall of civilization will look like once our planet is overrun by PC monitor-stealing zombies.

•  Last Sunday night was a cause for celebration, as Argentine democracy turned 29 years old. The National Government, officially self-declared the standard bearer of the democratic movement in this country, decided to celebrate plurality and freedom by throwing a political rally big party at the Plaza de Mayo and around the country that included live music, fireworks, local delicacies and a special guest appearance by Cristina herself, who reminded us that democracy is beautiful and by the way if you don’t stand with her government you are a coup-monger son of a gun who deserves to be executed for treason.

• The United States of Awesome continue their heroic defense of Argentina against the vulture funds’ Evil Empire of Evilness, and now the Obama administration has requested the New York Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit to take Argentina’s appeal into consideration, a move that was to be expected considering they are being ruled by a Kenyan Socialist Nazi Communist Muslim that wants to destroy America by launching an attack on poor, poor capitalism.

• In other news, Argentina is not a deadbeat country (for now) since this weekend it is scheduled to pay $3.5 billion in GDP-bonds to private non-vulture bondholders.

• Not to ruin your holidays, but your ABL got adjusted for inflation today, which means starting next year it’s going to be 24% higher. Merry Christmas.

• Also, it’s very probable the after January 1st the Subte has to close because  there’s no money. Happy New Year.

•  OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! *hyperventilates* Look! The Central Bank has for some reason (the holidays) decided to temporarily allow Argentines to purchase US dollars in cash if they are to be used for travelling/studying abroad. RUN TO THE BANK, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! HURR-No, wait, most of you readers are foreigners and couldn’t care less about this. Never mind.

• For millenia, humanity has had to endure the many torments and tribulations caused by the act of sodcasting.  Sodcasting, for those of you who are not well versed in pop culture, is the act of being an inconsiderate asshole by playing music on your mobile phone on a bus or subway so everyone around you can hear it. It is usually appended by a smug expression on your face that clearly translates as: “Do you have a problem?”. But praised be Jesus*! After today, sodcasting in the city of Buenos Aires is no more. Because the busy minds working at the City Legislature have passed a bill effectively banning the demonic practice  from public transportation services, and if you attempt to waterboard our ears with your filthy 1970s rock and roll (or worse, your early 00s cumbia) the driver will have the right to get you off the bus.

• Of course, that’s all taking place in the realm of wishful thinking. Good luck telling the sodcaster to stop playing his music without getting into a fist fight. Or getting stabbed.

•  Then on Wednesday came the first of two exhibition matches that he was going to play alongside local tennis superstar Juan Martín Del Potro in a stadium in Tigre before 20,000 who paid like 100 million dollars per ticket. Here are some highlights of the game:

• The event was hosted by legendary tabloid superstar and Big Brother host Jorge Rial, for some reason. The 20,000 people there were not happy so they booed him. For like the first 30 seconds, at least.

• At some point, in a giant screen, there was a “surprise” (and cringing) message from Diego Maradona that had absolutely nothing to do with anything, because as we all know everything in this country has got to be related in some way to fútbol. God forbid the day that doesn’t happen.

• When the time to sing the National Anthem came, the Tigre authorities selected the best possible singer to perform it in front of the ecstatic audience (and Federer): musical legend Cacho Castaña, known for his sexy parties, his misogynistic lyrics advocating for violence against women and for biting the semi-naked ass of a gay man. Unfortunately, and because of copyrights issues (please, as if anyone cared), it is not available on YouTube, so you’ll have to settle with when he butchered it some time ago in Mendoza. So here, enjoy the proud lyrics of our anthem sung by Castaña. And please stand while you do it. This is no time for frivolity.

• The song after such moving, representative anthem was one sung by David Guetta. No, I’m not kidding.

• Controversial judge Norberto Oyarbide, despised by a large sector of the population because they say he favors the Kirchnerite government, showed up at the VIP box. This is how the audience responded. He left a while later, scarred for life.

• As Del Potro and Federer were about to come out, a sector in the bleachers began to “sink” (as in “collapse”) and 150 people had to be evacuated. Del Potro and Federer were sent back to the changing rooms.

• By the time the game started, the Boca Juniors fans were setting downtown Buenos Aires on fire, so no one cared anymore.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

* Just an expression. I’m not religious. It’s not that I don’t like Jesus, I actually thought he was a great guy and everything. It’s what they did with his progressive, revolutionary message after he died “ascended to Heaven” that I’m not crazy about. Sorry, Christians!

President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner came out strongly against the Argentine Justice system after the ruling that acquitted all the suspects accused of human trafficking.

“Last night something very ugly happened. There is a divorce between society and justice, I couldn’t believe it when I was told,” said Fernández in a public speech this afternoon at the inauguration of a medicine production plant.

Cristina Fernández de Kirchner

“We are going to initiate a democratisation of the Judicial Power. Humbly, I believe the time has come for each of the States powers to take care of the things that are happening. I pledge to start a democratisation of the Judiciary,” she added.

Already in conflict with certain judicial decisions taken in recent weeks, namely the extension of the injunction in the Clarín case, and the rejection of the “per saltum” mechanism by the Supreme Court, Fernández continued attacking the judicial branch questioning, “what other office is guaranteed for life?” Seemingly paving the way to what might become a drastic reform of that branch of government. She also stated “when there is money involved no matter how much noise you make they just don’t care”.

Also today the Supreme Court reacted to the news of the Marita Verón verdict by releasing a statement that called on judges to do their best to fight human trafficking.

“Following the events that took place today that are known by the public, the National Supreme Court, as holder of one of the three powers of the State, makes clear that the fight against human trafficking and the protection of victims of gender violence is a very clear and important institutional decision,” read the statement.

Although it made no direct reference to the actual case of Marita Verón, the statement also called on “all the judges in the country to keep maintaining their maximum efforts to end this crime”.

The Supreme Court could eventually be called to rule on the Marita Verón case if it is appealed.

It’s Friday again!

And if you’re reading this it’s because you survived December 6th, a day that will be remembered as one of the most eventful days in recent history.

Today was expected to be a day to remember, as the much-dreaded December 7th (also referred to as “7D”) was supposed to arrive.

Remember? 7D! The day that the National Government had been advertising for months as the day in which Grupo Clarín‘s hegemonic dominance of terror was going to come to an end, prompting humanity to leave its current state of slumber and transition to a higher plane of consciousness that brings forth a new age of global understanding.

And yet, today feels totally anticlimactic. Because it was yesterday that the unexpected (and probably jealous) “6D” ended up stealing all the attention.

It’s hard to sum up in a few words the humongous amount of shit that happened yesterday. The feeling of anxiety, the uncertainty, the despair and the hilarious Twitter jokes that helped us engage in collective catharsis.

Last night, hundreds of newspaper editors around the country were scratching their heads thinking of a single headline that could easily convey the wave of catastrophes that befell upon us without splashing the front cover with the word CHAOS.

Let’s just say that if yesterday had been a TV show, it would have been 24. And I’m not sure even Jack Bauer could have handled the pressure.

Suggested soundtrack for the following read: this. And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook so you can keep up with future updates.

The following takes place between 8 AM and midnight, on December 6th 2012:

• 

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner holding a copy of Clarín. And she's holding it weird. What's up with her left arm? It looks like one of those action figure arms that bend in a weird way. You know which ones I mean? It's like they try really hard to make them look human but dude, no. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  [8:00 AM] It’s raining in Buenos Aires and yet the heat is suffocating. The humidity is through the roof and millions of women complain about having a bad hair day. I know this seems like the end of the world but trust me, it gets worse. A lot worse.

• [9:11 AM] I should have suspected it was going to be a horrible day when on my way to a meeting I stepped on a banana peel and crash landed on the sidewalk like some loser. Yes, bad shit happens to me too but at least I exorcise my demons via Twitter. I know this is personal and unrelated but sorry, I just had to talk about it. And to whoever left that banana peel there on purpose: fuck you.

• [09:45 AM] The action begins. A container in Puerto Madero filled with drums of mercury catches fire. Local networks announce we’re all going to die very quickly.

• [10:32 AM] No, wait! Turns out it’s not mercury! Phew! No, it’s actually a chemical compound used in pesticides/insecticides that explodes when making contact with water. Rain water possibly leaked into the container, starting the fire upon contact. Firemen arrive and try to put the fire out with more water. Container explodes (obviously). Dense toxic cloud begins to hover above Buenos Aires. Authorities order the evacuation of offices and schools in Puerto Madero, San Telmo, Retiro and the downtown area. A putrid smell invades the city. Local networks announce we’re still going to die, only a slow and painful death.

• [10:53 AM] As hundreds of terrified parents double park their cars in front of their children’s schools in the downtown area causing traffic chaos and people run for their lives under the rain to escape the stench, former Deputy Mayor of Buenos Aires and current national lawmaker Gabriela Michetti casually tweets that she’s “enjoying the wonderful smell of the jasmines sitting atop her desk”. She becomes the most hated person on Twitter.

• [11:15 AM] The local authorities recommend the population to stay home, close doors and windows and  turn the AC off. Thousands begin to contemplate suicide. Not because of the poisonous cloud, but because of the suffocating heat inside their homes. All windows locked and the AC off? In this humidity?! Goodbye, cruel world.

• [11:20 AM] It is still raining. All Subte stations in the area close and the service is interrupted. The Retiro station is shut down before the last train arrives to the platform. Passengers get off the train and realize they are trapped inside, breathing the contaminated air. Oops!

• [11:25 AM] All trains in the Mitre line suspend their services to Retiro. People trying to escape the area are royally fucked.

• [11:27 AM] You know how you keep talking about taking a cruise someday and enjoying a non-eventful holiday? Well if you ever do, make sure your cruise has not been docked next to a fucking toxic cloud. It was like “Speed 2“, only less exciting and with better acting. It’s OK though, they sent the cruise to high seas for precaution and the only downside was that the tourists could not visit Palermo Soho and buy overpriced crap they would have never used anyway.

• [11:30 AM] Website of local tabloid Cronica runs this headline, Twitter explodes.

• [11:34 AM] Several people begin to report dizziness, and a burning sensation in throat and lungs. If they end up turning into zombies I’m gonna be sooooo pissed.

• [11:35 AM] Drama queens appear.

• [11:45 AM] Local authorities begin to suggest that the toxic spill may not be deadly after all, just “moderately hazardous.” Security Secretary Sergio Berni offers press conference from Puerto Madero in hazmat suit looking like a badass version of Jack Bauer, he becomes the most loved/mocked person in the media.

• [12:00 PM] Thousands of evacuees are disappointed after learning that the deadly cloud is actually not deadly and they have to return to work.

• [12:32 PM] The rain stops.

• [1:00 PM] Nothing happens, which is kinda of a bad omen.

• [2:00 PM] Sky turns black. It starts raining again, but this time it’s a torrential rain. People look outside their windows and find out they are unable to see the other side of the street.

• [3:00 PM] It is still raining like crazy. People begin to exchange gazes of confusion and legitimate concern. This rain is not normal. “Maybe it’s some kind of toxic rain, a result of the toxic cloud,” says a Twitter user clearly well versed in meteorology and with a degree from the University of Just Pulled That Out of my Ass.

• [4:00 PM] Everyone’s greatest fears become a reality when a flash flood hits many areas of the city, specially Palermo’s ugly sister (Belgrano).

• [4:15 PM] Cronica decides to go with another groundbreaking headline: “From Chernobyl to Venice“. Twitter explodes again.

• [4:30 PM] Because things are apparently kinda dull today, coach drivers decide to go on strike and block the exit of the Retiro bus station, trapping inside the facilities all passengers who were planning on going away for the weekend.

• [5:00 PM] As the heavy storm continues to flood the city, news break of a shootout at the DOT shopping mall. Initial reports suggest a group of 50 savages have entered the mall and begun ransacking stores and cannibalizing people or something. Seems legit.

• [5:10 PM] All subway lines interrupted due to severe flooding. Severe as in “completely under water”. More traffic chaos ensues.

• [5:15 PM] Blackouts are registered throughout the City as a result of the intense storm. Thousands complain about not being able to check their Twitter feed for snark.

• [5:23 PM] Buenos Aires finally collapses. The Arroyo Vega overflows and the busy commercial corner of Blanco Encalada and Cabildo Av. now looks like a disaster scene from The Bible, with hundreds of people trapped in over a meter of water. God help us all.

• [6:10 PM] A tornado?!  Are you fucking kidding me?! What’s next, Godzilla?!

• [6:30 PM] The rain stops, but it’s too late. Entire neighborhoods in the Greater Buenos Aires area and the City, including Palermo and Belgrano (the ones you care about) are flooded.

• [6:37 PM] Turns out the angry mob at the DOT was just protesting that due to the building’s poorly designed drain system, their settlement (Villa Mitre) was flooded, so they decided to take it out with the stores. There were no shots fired, no people eaten. Happy ending, kind of.

• [6:40 PM] People finally embrace the fact that they are bound to live in a third world version of Atlantis forever and start kayaking through the flooded streets of Belgrano, laughing maniacally.

•  [6:41 PM] Rumors begin to surface suggesting that a federal court has decided to extend the injunction on the Media Law requested by Clarín, a move that would effectively ruin the National Government’s celebrations prepared for December 7th (when the injunction was set to expire). In the newsroom where I work, I begin banging my head incessantly on my keyboard. This is the longest day of my (journalistic) life.

• [6:49 PM] Worst fears confirmed: the injunction has been extended. Millions of anti-Kirchnerites celebrate throughout the country while the Government just stands there, jaw-dropped in disbelief. The 7D mythology has been exterminated only a few hours before the celebrations began. In the newsroom, I try to cut my veins with one of those plastic spoons but my colleagues restrain me and talk me out of it by bringing Jesus into the conversation.

• [7:11 PM] The entire cabinet convenes with the President in an emergency meeting at the Olivos presidential residence.

• [7:30 PM] Godzilla finally shows up.

• [7:57 PM] People begin to freak out again as the Buenos Aires sky
  

  I have a feeling that if Jack Bauer lived in Buenos Aires he would have perished by around noon. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  acquires this sort of reddish hue that either heralds the end of times or means that a nuclear bomb just went off. Whatever the case may be, I’m ready. Bring it.

• [8:24 PM] In social networks, the expression “6D” starts to become “a thing”. I hate humanity.

• [9:30 PM] Tony Bennet is singing at the Gran Rex and I’m missing it because I have tons of work to do thanks to this interminable day.

• [10:30 PM] Cristina leaves for Brazil to attend a Mercosur summit licking her wounds and in a very, very bad mood. Like me, basically.

•  [11:59 PM] The coach drivers’ strike ends one minute before midnight, all passengers are freed. At the same time, the storm recedes, the water levels decrease, the cleaning staff at the DOT mall mumbles in discontent, Cristina is flying to Brazil with her blood pressure probably through the roof and the chairmen of the Grupo Clarín sacrifice a few babies to thank Baphomet for the blessings received. All in all a  pretty productive day.

It’s Friday again!

And here I am, hungover after being stuffed with turkey for hours courtesy of my American friends who kindly made me a part of their imperialist celebration (shout out to Anish and Will for an awesome meal. I love you guys. Also let me know when you find my pants).

And while their cultural dominance has begun spreading its tentacles on Argentina like a menacing squid ready to choke the life out of the traditional local meals, I have to admit that that turkey was freaking awesome.

Anyway, get ready to enjoy the long weekend (it’s a holiday on Monday, remember?) while I go curl in a fetal position and engage in some self-hating activities as punishement for eating so much. Oh and while you’re at it like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so you can keep up with random, useless information during the week.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Here is a vulture fund waiting for Argentina to drop dead so it can go pick on its carcass. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Well, it happened. After many years of comings and goings in Argentina’s fight with “holdout” bond investors (also known as “vulture funds“), New York Judge Thomas Griesa (pictured here) ruled in favour of bondholders and ordered our beloved South American nation to pay $1.3 billion dollars by December 15th.

• Now I know you don’t know/care about any of this because it’s about the economy and as we all know reading about the economy sucks because it’s boring and there are no pictures involved (charts don’t count). But this is kind of a big deal because it could send the country into technical default (the impounding of the ship in Ghana is directly related to this) so I suggest you at least read through this Wikipedia entry to understand a little bit more about what’s happening. If after reading you still don’t get it then unfortunately there’s nothing I can do. You’re on your own.

• Going back to the ruling: Argentina called Griesa’s move an example of “judicial colonialsm” and vowed to appeal, saying it’s ready to take the case all the way up to the US Supreme Court.

• See? Now that you know what this whole mess is about, don’t you feel a little bit better about yourself?

It’s Friday again!

And I’m back in Buenos Aires, although don’t expect me to be up to speed with everything that happened last week because I couldn’t care less was on vacation and tried to stay away from all this negative crap as much as I could.

You know how it is.

Also, I apologize for the many, many typos in last week’s column. I was writing from a cell phone and stealing WiFi from an Apple store while I ate a tuna sandwich. It was not a pleasant sight, I tell you.

You know how it is.

Anyway, let’s find out together about everything that happened this week and like our Facebook page so you can keep up to date with what goes on in Argentina.

This is what you (and I) need to know:

• 

  Chances are you traitors are all standing in line to see Lady Gaga and I just spent my entire Friday afternoon writing for nothing. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  After months of comings and goings, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner announced that December bonuses would be exempted from paying income tax. She used the Cadena Nacional for that, which obviously upset a lot of people but there’s nothing you and I can do about it.

• She also said “she’s proud of being a part of the Middle Class“. That’s it, that’s the joke.

• After many comings and goings, City Mayor Mauricio Macri, who for the last year said he had never agreed to take over the Subte, now said that he had decided to take over it again in January.

• When asked about a potential price increase in the subway fare, he replied that we shouldn’t rush to conclusions, which means it’s totally happening.

• Also, this explains a lot.

• Hard to believe, but the whole mess with the Frigate Libertad continues, and it’s reaching that point in which it’s just not funny anymore. I mean, sure, we can laugh every time Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman comes out guns blazing, making empty threats and warning that he’s going to take the whole thing to an international court (because we know no one gives a damn). Oh wait, the US does. But besides that everything is just… blah. How much can you keep making fun of a stranded warship in an African nation? Let’s move on to completely unrelated, funnier things.

• OH MY GOD THIS IS HILARIOUS! The Espora corvette is officially stuck in South Africa! You see, the whole thing is falling apart and the crew needs to cover some holes (it would appear those corks were not as resistant as previously thought), but the brilliant technicians tasked with the repair work are claiming Argentina still owes them money from some previous work and this time they are not falling for it. Pay up, Argentina, you deadbeat!

• Argentina obviously claims they don’t owe anyone anything. Fix that ship, Germans, you slackers! I’m telling you, I couldn’t make this up.

• If you’re planning on terrorizing the few millionaires that are still able to ride the Subte by stealing their precious valuables, at least make sure you’re fast enough to escape when the doors are closing. Otherwise you might get your fingers caught on them and then have to endure an entire ride with you just standing there while the passengers laugh at you, call you names and capture the whole thing on video. Oh, and trying to pass for an Italian tourist in order to avoid responsibility just makes the whole thing even more cringing. Specially if you don’t speak Italian.

• Because the average movie goer/voter’s infatuation with former President Néstor Kirchner is far from over,  now you can go to the movies and enjoy his face on a giant screen in a film that will certainly not win any awards in the “Original Title” category. “Néstor Kirchner” The Movie opens this next weekend in order to launch the former Head of State into the mythical encyclopedia of awesome, and probably supernatural, presidents, which also includes Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Il. Although in all fairness, the North Korean leader’s death announcement on TV was much more dramatic.

• Desperate to sink your teeth in the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ special bondage collector’s edition? Well I’ve got bad news for you: if your book purchase abroad exceeds the 25 dollar limit (and trust me, with all that leather stuff it surely will), you gotta pay customs. Sorry! I guess it’s back to boring, regular sex for you then.

• Are you headed to Lady Gaga‘s big show tonight? Chances are if you are, you’re not reading this column. So let me regale you with some Lady Gaga fan fiction. I’m sure you’re expecting a link to Ricardo Fort’s now classic and vomit-inducing “Bad Romance”, but that is very 2011. Now it’s all about this hardcore fan who even dared translate “Born this Way” to Spanish.

• I can totally see his father sitting in front of the TV going: “I HAVE NO SON!”

• Also, my favorite part of that video is when host Anabella Ascar talks about  how acceptance has become such a thing that even Oprah (pronounced OFRA, according to her) is successful “despite being black and fat”. No, yeah. She really said that.

• There will be 17 public holidays in Argentina next year.

• That’s it, that’s the joke.

• OH MY GOD are you excited about seeing Coldplaynext year? Are you
  

  "Fuck you, fans!" (Photo/Wikipedia)

  hyperventilating, buying their posters and quietly listening to Fix You while you cut yourself in bed? Too bad, they are not coming.

• And finally: is the awesome system keeping those idiotic hooligans at bay even working during the games?! Well, in the last Belgrano Vs. Independiente game they threw a bomb in the field so you figure it out for yourself.

Live from New York, it’s Friday again!

That’s right, I’m still here.

Which is not the same I can say about you, since Argentina (and Buenos Aires in particular) is up in flames. Or at least that’s what it looks like according to the media, which in an ironic twist of fate, I’m apparently part of.

But I think I finally get you. It’s hard to follow what happens in the country when you’re abroad. Because:

• If you read the anti-Government media, the country looks like this.
• If you read the pro-Government media, the country looks like this.
• If you read the objective media, you’re lying because it doesn’t exist.

Thousands gathered in cities across the country to protest against President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner and her government last night.

A similar cacerolazo (from cacerola – pot which people symbolically bang on to indicate their discontent) had taken place last month, on 13^thSeptember, but last night’s, with a participation of 70,000 to 700,000 people depending on sources, was larger.

Protesters fill the streets during the 8N cacerolazo (photo/Marc Rogers)

“What the Argentine people did [yesterday] they should be proud of. […] The message was for the President who is the one that has to change,” said Mauricio Macri, governor of the city of Buenos Aires and member of the opposition party Propuesta Republicana (PRO) on the radio program Primera Mañana.

“I didn’t lose any sleep over the protest last night and I won’t lose any sleep over it today,” Senator Aníbal Fernández from President Fernández’s Frente Para la Victoria (FPV) defiantly told Radio Mitre this morning.

The recurring themes during both protests were insecurity, corruption, freedom of expression, and opposition to constitutional reform. Argentines opposed to the government fear that President Fernández and her party will push for a constitutional reform that would allow her to run for a third consecutive term, which is forbidden under the current constitution. President Fernández however has never said a reform was in her plans or expressed the wish to run again for the presidency.

An animated protester in Plaza de Mayo (photo/Marc Rogers)

The organisation of the protest mainly took place over the internet via social networking platforms with the tag 8N (for 8th November). Although the PRO party was the most largely represented, protesters united against the current government rather than in favour of any specific party. This is the result of an increasing polarisation in Argentine society between pro or anti-government groups and while the opposition count with the support of large parts of the private media they have no formal political representation.

A majority of those present were from the middle and upper classes of Argentine society who have felt most threatened by the current government’s fiscal and political reforms. Protests even sprung up in capitals across the world in countries with large Argentine expat communities. Protesters in front of embassies in Paris, Madrid, and Sydney will have been particularly hardly hit by the recent monetary reforms that have made it harder to send money out of Argentina.

"My money, my job. I don't want to support lazy people" (photos/Marc Rogers)

It’s Friday again!

And I’m away for the weekend but as rumors of a possible coup continue to spread like gasoline, here I am writing this for you in order to bring you peace of mind.

God, I hate you.

Like us on Facebook and forgive any possible typos. I wrote this while riding a tour bus.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  This frigate, ironically named "Libertad," has been impounded by the Ghanaian government. I know, right? I honestly thought it was "Ghanan," but no, it's totally "Ghanaian." (Photo/Wikipedia)

  It’s a coup! It’s not a coup! It’s a coup, maybe! In case you haven’t been paying attention to the most important news of the week (shame on you), two branches of the armed forces are up in arms against the National Government and trust me, it ain’t pretty. The whole thing started on Tuesday when members of the Coast Guard (in Spanish, Prefectura Naval) decided to start protesting against the recent signing of a presidential decree that pretty much cut their salaries in half. The sight of men in military uniform standing up against the President is obviously not a pretty one, specially since it brings back memories from a past no one here wants to revisit (for all you low-information readers, I’m talking about this), but as usual, both sides of the political spectrum have been using the conflict to try and score a few political points:

• Pro-Government factions: “It’s a coup! Oh, my God, the armed forces are rising against our hard-earned democracy and are trying to topple our dear leaders!”

• Anti-Government factions: “It’s a legitimate protest by hard workers who are being exploited by the National Government.”

• The truth? Their protest is legitimate, their methodology is not. The leader of the Grandmothers of the Plaza de Mayo organization, known for her brave work during and after the last military dictatorship, offered a press conference to “bring peace of mind” to the population. Mayor Mauricio Macri did the same and urged the protesters to go home to their families, although he said “he understood their reasons to be angry since they have been mistreated by the National Government for the last ten years” (or “vote for me next time,” wink wink). The uniformed protesters have stated repeatedly that they are 100% behind democracy and that this is not a coup, they just want to be paid accordingly. But considering that several recent pseudo-coups in Latin America (this and this) began in a similar way it wouldn’t hurt to be cautious.  As of today, and even though the Government has offered a solution to their demands, the protesters have said their fight would continue during the weekend until they get what they want in writing and signed.

• Sorry for the depressing, unfunny, reductionist viewpoint I just offered. I wanted you to understand. I promise the next bullet points are as stupid as usual.

• In the meantime, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was in Lima, Perú, attending the South American – Arab summit, expressing her support for the recognition of a Palestinian state and addressing the Malvinas/Falklands issue. However, the most relevant piece of information to come out of that summit was that Cristina didn’t know that alfajores were in fact an Arabic delicacy. No, I’m serious. You think I cover shitty news? Think again, the mainstream media does the same: check it here, here, here, here and here.

• Also, the president of Lebanon visited Argentina this week but no one cared.

• Youth in revolt! High-school students continue their crusade against the City Government and its plans for a syllabus reform that would reduce hours of art and lab classes in order to focus on more core subjects such as math and Spanish language. In the last three weeks, students have taken over more than 40 schools and marched to the City Education ministry in protest and now a judge has ordered Education Minister Esteban Bullrich to meet with them  so they can solve the conflict. In the meantime, it’s like spring break out there. If you walk by a school that’s been taken over, join them for a mate and stay for the protests. It could get fun.

• [UPDATE] Bullrich has said he will suspend the syllabus reform if students agree to end the takeovers. Which is a bummer because you could have had fun with them.