Tag Archive | "foreigner"

Weekly News Roundup, May 11th.

“I know you don’t read the news, but it’s friday, I know this.

So I’m going to educate you today.

‘Cause it’s friday, you ain’t got no (real) job,

and you ain’t got shit to do – till 1am when you head to Pacha Jet!”

Did you enjoy that opening? It was a contribution by over-enthusiastic reader  Mychael H.

Great job Mychael! I’m gonna put it right here on the refrigerator door. And those who didn’t like it, take it up with him.

Now here’s everything you need to know:

Transgender people throughout the country celebrated that once again equality comes first. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  • This week Congress seemed to remember that they are supposed to do something and passed two very important laws. First, the “Gender Identity” law, which seeks to provide citizens the power to “freely develop their personalities in accordance with their gender identity,” and the right “to be treated according to their gender identity.” This, of course, includes their DNI, which will have to state their gender of choice.
  • The second law passed is the “Dignified Death” law, which grants terminally-ill patients the “right to express their will concerning the refusal of surgical procedures, artificial reanimation or life-support treatment.” This excludes, however, euthanasia and assisted suicide. Pretty fucking good, eh? Pretty fucking good… (except for religious conservatives, who are running in circles as we speak, horrified by society’s continuous moral decay). So while in the Northern Hemisphere half of the United States is kind of entering the 21st century and North Carolina is going back to the Dark Ages, Argentina breezes in to the 23rd century, maybe.
  •  And now onto the Brits. They are pissed, you know? And rightfully so, since that Malvinas “Olympics” ad was kind of uncalled for. Sure, it poses a legitimate claim and it helps maintain the Malvinas sovereignty debate alive, but it also brings a political debate into the Olympics ecochamber, which we all know is verboten, even though it has been happening since Nazi Germany, when Jesse Owens (a black guy!) won a gold medal and Adolf Hitler pissed his pants in anger. So the political cognoscenti vowed revenge against the Argentine population and shot back with their ultimate weapon: this.
  • Are you kidding me? From all the things you could use to mock Argentina you chose to make fun of… tardiness? I mean, this country is comedy gold and all you could think of was that? OK, at the risk of being deemed a traitor by the Argentine population, let me give you some advice on what you can make fun of next time you want to mock Argentina:
  • President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, of course, was offended at the British for being offended. Here’s her speech about it. Just so you know, she doesn’t say anything she hasn’t said a million times before. She rants about how creativity is a lot better than bombing other countries. A false analogy that I personally loved.
  • Sure, now that the YPF expropriation bill has been passed no one in the country cares about it anymore. But the European Union has a long memory, and even though this whole thing happened like ten days ago the political confederation refuses to forget, and this week they warned that retaliation is imminent. Whatever it is they do, let’s hope it’s better than that fucking “tardiness” ad.
  • But this has no information value!“, you say? Oh please. As if you really came here every Friday to be informed.
  • Are you one of the millions of Movistar users whose life was seriously endangered for several hours when the company’s service went down a couple of months ago and people couldn’t update their Twitter accounts? If you are not, then skip this, this doesn’t concern you. If you are, then congrats! The wait is over and after many days of great injustice and abandonment, you’re being reimbursed $10 (pesos, not dollars) for all the trouble caused. Yay, Capitalism.
  • Are you one of the millions of Claro users whose life was seriously endangered for several hours when the company’s service went down on Wednesday and people couldn’t update their Twitter accounts? If you’re not, then skip this, this doesn’t concern you. If you are, then you’re fucked. Yeah, that’s right. Claro outsmarted Movistar this week, and after many users complained about a massive service disruption the company blamed the Macri administration, accusing some City workers of accidentally “severing a fiber optics cable.” Sure, the Government is again considering a fine against the company, but they have warned that this case is “different” because it somehow accused Macri of fucking something up *wink, wink*.
  • Are you a Personal user? Then watch out, you’re next.
  • Next time you brag about how cool and elegant it is to live in Recoleta, remind me to bring this up so I can call you a destitute and shut you up for good.
  • This guy died, and even though you never heard of / cared for him, it was a pretty big deal because he was one of Argentina’s most beloved cartoonist. Honor him by at least clicking on that link. You don’t even have to read the story, just click on it so you can at least pretend you care.
  • Fame hath no glory! Last year it was Justin Bieber and the baseless, shameless accusations that he had

    This is the (possible) rapist Wachiturro, not to be confused with the other five Wachiturros who look exactly the same. In fact, I'm not even sure this is the one in trouble, but this is the only photo Wikipedia had to offer, so fuck it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    impregnated one of his fans, which not only is ridiculous because Justin is like, the best guy in like, EVER and he would never do that, but also because he’s still like fifteen years away from producing sperm. So now, of course, it happened to one of the country’s youngest, brightest talents: Wachiturros smokin’ hot member DJ Memo. Mr. Memo was arrested (and later released on bail) in Santiago del Estero last Sunday after allegedly trying to rape a 13-year-old, who happened to be the daughter of a police officer. Lies, all lies! Also, probably true.

  • By the way, considering that two months ago another Wachiturro was arrested before boarding a plane in a Chilean airport for cleverly making a joke about having a bomb or something stupid like that, I guess this means the boy band is now down to only four members. Come back in a few months when two of them are killed while trying to rob a bank and the boy band is downgraded to a duet.
  • In the non-important news department (football), the Argentine Football Association (AFA) has announced a series of changes in their tournaments that I really don’t give a flying fuck about. But since you probably do, here’s some (probably inaccurate) info:  Starting in the 2012/2013 season, the new Argentine championship  tournament (thanks, Twitter nitpickers) will be divided in two tournaments, each one of them containing 19 rounds. The Apertura and Clausura tournaments will be re-branded “Inicial” and “Final” tournaments, and their respective winners will clash in a final match that will decide the fate of humanity.
  • I don’t mean to brag, but I wrote that whole paragraph by myself, no help! OK, I had help. I pretty much stole the whole thing from here and just translated it. Whatever.
  • Now here’s an idea that I’m sure is gonna go far: the AFA, that lugubrious nest full of backstabbing vultures, is “studying” the implementation of a possible new system labeled “AFA Plus” aimed at stopping “the power and influence of the barra bravas (or ‘hooligans’) in the Argentine football.” The idea is to register every single football club member and whoever has a history of violence will not be allowed into the game. The anti-hooligan movement was sparked by Independiente president Javier Cantero who said he was sick and tired of violence and is leading a personal crusade against them. Good luck with that! I mean, have you clicked on that Wikipedia link for barra bravas? Despite their absolutely hilarious names in English (“The heavy of the Port”, “The Drunkard of the Stand“), these guys are blood-thirsty goons that will not hesitate to kill you if you stand in their way. And considering that according to that Wikipedia page there’s like a million of them, stopping them means no more audience. Can you imagine? It would be like a dream come true (for me).
  • Waaaaaay down in the pyramid league of Argentine football there’s apparently a division called Torneo Argentino C, which I assume must be made up of little league teams (actually 319 of them!) that no one gives a shit about. Except for this week, when everyone paid attention to this relatively unknown team from Santiago del Estero named Sportivo Fernández (Sorry, no Wikipedia page! But here’s their sad little Facebook page with less than 550 likes. Do them a favor and like them out of pity). Sportivo Fernández was apparently defeated by Tucumán’s Sportivo Aguilares, so the fans, outraged for such a blatant display of poor footballing skills, aptly reacted by spraying the players with acid and gasoline. Well yeah, what did you expect? At least they didn’t spit on them. That’s gross.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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Weekly News Roundup, May 4th.

It’s Friday again!

And I have bad news for you: the Malvinas clusterfuck is back in full force!

Because now that the YPF expropriation bill has been passed, what other nationalist cause are we going to be distracted with? The 2014 World Cup is still more than two years away, so that’s a no.

So I guess there’s no choice but to dust off the Malvinas playbook and start yelling at British people again.

Here’s everything you need to know (but don’t want to know):

  • Wenlock and Mandeville, the terrifying mascots of the 2012 London Olympics. I don't condone violence but I must admit it will be funny to see an Argentine athlete kicking them in the crotch in order to make a point about Malvinas. Not because I care about the islands, but because they're just plain ugly. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    Since I’m sure you didn’t go to Velez for the Cristina-palooza last week, here’s the 40-minute speech she gave before thousands of flag-waving, ecstatic youngsters who attended the event to celebrate her existence. Since I’m willing to bet my life that you didn’t click on that link, let me tell you: she basically glorified young people as the future of the nation and told the crowds to remain “united and organized.” Also there was a lot of yelling, even though she was standing two centimeters away from the microphone. All in all, a positive experience for those who survived the yelling.

  • In what could be considered the most awkward exchange of passive-aggressive smiles and ice-cold stares since Alien Vs. Predator, newly appointed Argentine ambassador to the UK Alicia Castro put British Foreign Secretary William Hague in the hot seat as he launched the annual world review of human rights at a ceremony in London.  Sitting right in front of him on the first row as he took the podium, Castro once again repeated the local government’s mantra regarding the Malvinas/Falklands and asked him point blank (or “ambushed,” as The Telegraph put it) if he was ready to give peace a chance. Enjoy the video.
  • Since this Wednesday marked the 30th. anniversary of the sinking of the General Belgrano cruiser during the Malvinas War, Cristina found yet another excuse to hold a ceremony related to the Malvinas. In a televised speech she gave from the Pink House she inaugurated the  brand new (*rolls eyes*) “Malvinas Argentinas Courtyard” and then she defended ambassador Castro’s actions, saying that “refusing to engage in dialogue is unsustainable,” a funny thing to say considering she refuses to talk to journalists since like, ever. She also criticized the permanent members of the  UN Security Council (i.e.: the US and the UK) saying that they always force other countries to follow UN resolutions but they themselves refuse to abide by them, which is actually kind of true.
  • Alright, I’m sure you feel refreshed now. And dirty. Let’s go back to Malvinas.
  • The 2012 London Olympics are right around the corner, and God knows what kind of fuckery will transpire there between the Argentine and the British teams. But if what happened this week is any indication, we’re in for a fun winter of gold medals and diplomatic shenanigans that will certainly end once the Olympic torch goes out and David Cameron little-boys Buenos Aires.  Everyone in the UK and the Malvinas/Falklands was up in arms yesterday after a controversial TV spot aired in Argentina, depicting the Argentine national hockey team captain Fernando Zylberberg “training” on the islands. As if that weren’t insulting enough (for the British), the ad concludes with the phrase “To compete on British soil, we train on Argentine soil.” Oh, snap!
  • And to add insult to injury, the ad was created by Young & Rubicam, an advertising agency that belongs to – you guessed it – a British company.  God, August cannot come fast enough. I’m gonna have so much to write about I may have to start doing a Daily News Roundup.
  • In YPF news, I totally spoiled it at the beginning already but the

    Many criticized The Sun for printing such a disrespectful headline after the sinking of the General Belgrano. But many more failed to realize that even more disrespectful is that The Sun is all about girls showing their tits. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    expropriation bill has been passed, which means that Argentina now owns 51 percent of the oil company. Yay!

  • Also this week, two romantic revolutionaires decided that a good way to make a point about something was to set off a bomb outside the European Union‘s offices in Recoleta. God bless these people, and their fight for peace by blowing stuff up.
  • Another tourist allegedly raped in Salta. The suspect has already turned himself in, assuring that he was in a relationship with the victim, a 21-year-old Swiss woman who was doing volunteer work there. I have no idea what the hell is going on there, but stay away.
  • Also in Salta this week, since such attacks pose a PR nightmare to the tourism industry there, the media (that’s us!) found a way to distract the population with a most sensationalist story that was covered by every network in the country: the tragic, heartbreaking story of an 8-year-old girl that was seen driving around in a car.
  • No, really. That happened. And boy, people were outraged. I mean, look at that video! The low quality! The shaky camera! The epic soundtrack! Rape? What rape?
  • Now onto the football part, which always comes last because it is obviously the least important one: Congratulations football megastar Lionel Messi! Not only you’re going to be a father soon, but this week you broke yet another record! After scoring his 68th. goal this season, Messi broke the record for goals scored in a European club season, previously held by some German guy called Gerd Müller. I have no idea what any of this means, all I know is that I get more internet hits thanks to it.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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Weekly News Roundup, April 27th

It’s Friday, people!

And I have great news: I’m still here!

I know that last week I may have suggested that the local Government was en route to arrest me for considering me an enemy of the state due to my treacherous citizenship and was planning to ship me off to the Argentine Guantanamo, but it turns out it was all a huge misunderstanding! (Basically, I made it all up.)

So, what else is new? Oh, right. The Fall is basically extinct, and in further evidence that Argentina is approaching a “tropical country” status largely due to climate change, last week we went to bed while enjoying a warm, summer night and woke up the next morning freezing to death. I’m not kidding, this week it was actually colder in some areas of Argentina than in Antarctica.

So hurry up, my fellow hibernation enthusiasts, and learn the facts before we’re all encased in ice for the rest of eternity under half a kilometer of snow.

This is what you need to know:

  • In a distant past (2010) people would stride great lengths and travel en masse to the International Book Fair just to catch a glimpse of the so-called "books." Now everyone's hooked on e-books, so no one gives a shit. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    The Argentine Senate has preliminary approved the YPF expropriation bill, which is now headed to the Lower House floor. Lawmakers believe the bill could be finally passed next Wednesday, unless NATO bombs us first.

  •  Still, it seems my country (Spain) will have to swallow its words and find a different approach to the whole YPF controversy. After what started as a grim warning of how terrible Argentina’s decision to expropriate the oil company was, the outrage seemed to fade out as the week progressed and the Spanish government found that pretty much no one was willing to join the administration’s plans to bomb Buenos Aires. International organizations such as the IMF and the World Bank, as well as the European Union and the US feigned disappointment and indignation for a couple of minutes, but then swiftly washed their hands from the whole thing by calling it a “bilateral issue.” Sure, the European Commission has warned that Argentina’s decision will have “dire consequences” for the population’s future, but there’s not much more they can do. Except bomb us.
  • I’m done with this YPF thing for today, I promise. Although don’t get too excited. Malvinas is coming up next.
  • The brand new Argentine ambassador in London, Alicia Castro, first published an interesting op-ed on Malvinas (See? I told you) in the conservative British newspaper The Telegraph, which caused the faces of all its readers to melt, Indiana Jones-style. She then formally presented the UK government with a proposal to restore commercial flights between the Malvinas Islands and Buenos Aires, as a friendly gesture. Then the islanders said no, which sucks because I was really hoping to score me some low-cost tickets for one of these long weekends. Think about it, the Malvinas could be a great place to celebrate Spring Break. British pubs, the sea and lots and lots of penguins. It doesn’t get any better than that. Come on, islanders!
  • If you are a passionate follower of President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, chances are: a) You hate me for being “anti-Kirchnerite” (even though I’m not), and b) You’re not reading this before you’re heading over to the Vélez stadium in Liniers to attend the Cristina-palooza that is taking place today at 6 pm! (You’ve probably seen the posters while walking down the street, summoning everyone to go show their support for the President). And if you’re wondering what the hoopla is all about, what big announcement she’s going to make, this is the best part: it’s about nothing. You know, like Seinfeld. No, seriously. The whole point of the rally is to have a stadium full of people calling her name, while she gives an impassioned speech showing how strong she is. That way she can persuade NATO from bombing us all next Wednesday.
  • If you’re wondering why the Subte has been going on strike almost everyday lately, here is why (not that you care). Long story short, since the whole subway system is a ticking time bomb on the verge of collapse and neither the National nor the City governments want to take care of it, the Subte employees are selflessly trying to raise awareness about how unprotected us passengers are, while putting their entire careers at risk over charges of insubordination.  Also, they want more money.
  • Great news everyone! You know when you’re standing in the immigration line to enter/leave Argentina at the Ezeiza airport and you realize you didn’t bring a pen with you so you can’t fill out those pesky immigration forms? Well, not to worry because as of now the Government has finally implemented the new digital terminals with a biometric system. How exotic and 21st century of yours, Argentina! It’s almost like in the US! (Without the paranoia).
  • Terrible news everyone! You know when you’re standing in the luggage belt after landing at the Ezeiza airport (don’t make me link to Wikipedia again) and you realize your suitcases have been ripped open and someone has stolen your Toblerones, your iPod, your iPad, your iLaptop or whatever and your digital camera because you were dumb enough to put them in your suitcase instead of carrying them with you? Well, it is still happening (which you should have guessed since I started this bullet point by saying “Terrible news everyone!”).  The Ezeiza airport police arrested 15 employees this week who were found responsible of stealing hundreds of items from careless travelers in the last couple of years. So remember that next time you send off your blackberry in a giant suitcase because you can’t be bothered to carry it.
  • I guess being afraid of having your stuff stolen somewhat counts as being paranoid, so there! The local airport experience is now just like in the US.
  • Argentina, you’re on (technologically speaking) fire! Since apparently the biometric system at the airport was not enough to make us look cool, now taxis will gradually begin offering passengers the possibility of paying with a credit or debit card. Fancy! So far only “15 or 20 taxis” have been provided with a wireless card reader in order to test the new methodology and “see what happens.” Really? “See what happens”? What could happen? You pay and you get out of the car! Am I missing something here? Whatever. Good luck catching one of those “15 or 20” taxis in a city of three million people.
  • Well if you had been there on opening day, you would have witnessed the hilariously tragic crossfire between Education Minister Alberto Sileoni and the City’s Culture Minister Hernán Lombardi (I know you didn’t click on any of those links, by the way). You see, since both of them were asked to give a speech at the opening ceremony, Lombardi (at odds with Cristina) seized the opportunity to attack the National Government for last month’s “ban on books” fiasco. Sileoni, of course, pretty much told him to fuck off while the audience booed and clapped and stuff. All in the name of education and culture, people.
  • [ADDENDUM] Jesus, people! OK, I get it. I got like 15 emails from you and one guy even complained about it below. There are no “boos” to be heard in the Feria del Libro video, even though they existed. Sorry I gave you hope on some “boos” everyone! And if you still need to satisfy your blood lust, here’s a video from a couple of years ago when Cuban dissident Hilda Molina presented her book at the fair and leftist groups decided to crash her event and ruin it, all in the name of freedom of speech. Now fuck off.
  • Oops! Back in 2008,  58 Pre-Columbian artifacts dating from 500

    Hotel Eden. Nazis welcome. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    to 1000AD, with a cumulative value estimated at around US$ 700,000, were mysteriously stolen from the Ambato Museum in La Falda, Córdoba. How exciting and Hollywoodesque, right? Even more intriguing, the Ambato Museum is located inside the creepy Hotel Eden, a mythical place that once hosted Che Guevara and Albert Einstein. What’s worse, according to historians, its owners were staunch Adolf Hitler supporters (no surprise there) and had personally offered their hotel as a hideout to the fuhrer in case things didn’t go as planned after World War II. How awesome is this story, huh? You’ve got the fifth Indiana Jones movie right here. The script is writing itself! But alas, it turns out it wasn’t the Neo-Nazis trying to revive Hitler and Che Guevara by casting some ancient indigenous spell only described in one of the stolen artifacts. Nah, that’s too contrived. They were actually in the hands of a City Government official who moonlights as an art collector, obviously. The guy has claimed that he purchased the items “in good faith” and that he had no idea that they were stolen, while City Hall has denied that the guy was working for them. Whatever the case may be, it’s a thousand times less exciting than the possibility of a fight to the death between zombie Hitler and zombie Che Guevara while the fate of humanity hangs in the balance.

  • I know, I have issues. Leave me alone.
  •  This week, in “The Football“: TRAGEDY! In an unexpected turn of events that has the global scientific community at a loss, infallible, human-like deity Lionel Messi failed to score against the Chelsea this week, triggering an unstoppable chain of events that has ended in the shaming and collapse of Spain as a sports legend worldwide. And we all know what this means. THIS. That’s it, folks. Messi is now officially on the way down. Sure, he reached the pinnacle of his almighty glory these last few years, but deep down we all knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this charade up for long. Now, I don’t know much about football (that’s why every week I keep feeding you inaccurate information when it comes to games, and teams and players and shit. It’s not that I fail at gathering the correct information. I just don’t care about getting it), but one thing is clear: when you fail once, the deep scrutinizing begins. “Is something wrong with him?” or  “Messi hits rock bottom!” are some of the statements coming from the pundits who allegedly know what they’re talking about. So now it’s only a matter of time before he gives in to cocaine, alcohol and prostitutes (you know, like a certain someone) and he ends up in a distant outpost in the Middle East while engaging in mischief and tomfoolery largely due to cultural differences (you know, like a certain someone).
  • You thought I was going to compare him to Diego Maradona, didn’t you? Please, like I’m that predictable.
  • Oh, shit: The local press is saying that Lionel Messi’s girlfriend is pregnant. And so the collapse of an idol begins.
  • Erik Lamela (someone I never heard of before but apparently used to play for River Plate so I guess he was kind of important), has having some sort of a kerfuffle with another player and decided to settle their argument by spitting on him. So here’s the video, which is totally disappointing because you can see him pursing his lips but you cannot see the actual spit. And let’s face it, that’s the only reason why you would click on that link in the first place. Still, Spitgate was so big this week that I decided to mention it, just to keep you in the loop. Because I know you don’t give a shit about Cristina’s speech today. But the spit incident? You have to know all about that!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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Weekly News Roundup, April 20th

It’s Friday, and it may be my last.


Well, no. We’re not. But I’m a sucker for hyperbole.

There are dark clouds in the horizon, my friends. In the last few days I have had to endure many hardships, with people continuously asking me where I stand on this bilateral conflict that has Spain and Argentina at odds.

My position, of course, is that if you’re stupid enough to believe that the fate of an oil company should be the cause for two kindred nations to start hating each other, then there’s no point in arguing with you.

Still, as the violence and xenophobia against my kind continues to rise due to the President’s recent announcement, I have to warn you all that very soon I could be extraordinary renditioned to the Martín García Island and never to be heard from again for a couple of weeks.

This is what you need to know before I’m Guantanamoed:

  • Many young people on Facebook proudly supported the President's decision by replacing their embarrassing profile photo with the YPF logo, which is even more embarrassing because they are young people expressing support for an oil company. (Image/Wikipedia)

    Well, it happened. The worst case scenario finally became a reality, and it has unleashed a political shit storm of dire consequences: in a surprise press conference last Monday, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner announced her decision to expropriate YPF, Argentina’s largest oil company, from Spanish oil giant Repsol YPF, who had purchased it back in 1999 (now don’t worry, I’m not going to make it very complicated. I’m gonna dumb it down for you, in my usual fashion, so you can go to bed tonight with a smile on your face, feeling smart.)

  • As the President sends the expropriation bill to Congress, the rest of the world is fuming: Spain, France, the UK, Belgium (actually the entire EU), and to a lesser extent for motives that remain uncertain, the US. Brazil and Venezuela have praised the decision, but Colombia and Bolivia have been more cautious and politely distanced themselves from this mess.
  • Former President and current political pariah Carlos Menem, who masterminded Argentina’s State Reform Law (a late 80s bill that called for “smaller government” and advocated for the privatization of many state-owned companies, including YPF), has already said he will vote in favor of the expropriation in the Senate (he’s a senator now, you see. He is also like 140 years old). “I know they will criticize me heavily for this, but they should understand that times have changed since I privatized it.” Well, that is true, but the fact remains he is still responsible for one of the most infamous decades in recent Argentine history. You like Cristina’s hijinx? You would have loved this guy. After all, this is the President who back in 1995 announced that Argentina would soon have a “space flight system” that would allow Argentines to take a rocket to space so they could be in Japan in like three hours or something. No, he really did!
  • Right in the epicenter of this political shit storm is the new rising star of Argentine politics: Deputy Minister Axel Kicillof. A power player so recent that he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page yet. Mr. Kicillof, as any other respectable La Cámpora member, has a huge sense of entitlement. He’s loud, he’s rude, he’s angry and he doesn’t wear a tie because he wants you to know he’s against the establishment. He also looks like he’s 25 years old even though he’s 41 (which seems to be a turn on for Argentine girls) and is a fucking brilliant orator. So the establishment, obviously horrified because he wouldn’t wear a tie, decided to target him violently. Vanity Fair Spain says he has “hypnotized Cristina” (you know, like Rasputin), and the Financial Times describes him as “a baby-faced Marxist economist with Elvis sideburns who does not appear to own a tie.” Aha! I told you the tie thing would piss them off. Such squares, these people.
  • The meeting also produced a photograph that sparked many comments around the web, since  it’s hard to tell what the hell is going on there. Is Obama taking her temperature? Is he checking to see if the baby is kicking? I would totally play one of those stupid “Caption the photo” contests but I really don’t feel like it.
  •  By the way, remember that whole thing about the Malvinas/Falklands that we kept going back to every Friday for months before this whole thing exploded? Yeah, me neither.
  • OK, so let’s say that you are a councilman in the small, uneventful Misiones town of La Candelaria (Population: really, really close to zero), and one day you decide you don’t like it when a journalist is all over your face, demanding you tell the truth about something. So the most civilized reaction to his annoying behavior is to beat the shit out of him, naturally. Wait until the 2:23 mark for hilarity to ensue.
  • Oh my God! La Candelaria already has a Wikipedia page! In your face Deputy Minister Axel Kicillof! See? And people say violence never leads to anything. Tell that to the people of La Candelaria. One day no one knows you’re alive, then you kick someone’s ass and BAM! You’re on Wikipedia. Well played, people. Well played.
  • By the way, that last comment WAS A JOKE. Please don’t start freaking out, saying that it is now “unsafe” to be walking down the streets of Buenos Aires. Initial reports suggest the victim was a Colombian citizen with ties to drug trafficking, so it seems he was gunned down by a hitman. See? Nothing to worry. Unless you are in the drug trafficking business. In that case, worry.
  • Consider this to be the straw that broke the camel’s llama’s back: remember how in the last few months Salta‘s reputation as a “safe, tourist-friendly” province has been wavering due to a series of grizzly murders, rapes and attempted rapes against female visitors? Well, you can now add another female victim to the body count after authorities unearthed the body of a woman near tourist hot spot Cafayate on Thursday. What’s worse, they believe the body may belong to missing María Cash, who mysteriously disappeared in Salta last year and was never heard from again despite her family’s impressive nationwide campaign to find her. So I’m being serious now: if you’re planning on going to Salta, do not wander off alone into the wild. Or an even better idea: do not go to Salta alone.
  • You know what? Fuck it, just don’t go to Salta. Period.
  • If you’re wondering why last Tuesday the Obeliskwas sporting a

    Fun fact: Did you know that Björk's real name is actually Björk? You did? Well, I didn't. I thought it was just a made up name. You know, like Cher. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    confusing yellowish/orangish color (I know you’re not),  then don’t worry. There’s a perfect explanation for that, and it is that apparently last Tuesday was Malbec World Day (?). Sorry, City Government! But not only you fucked up big time because that color looked nothing like wine red, also it doesn’t matter what kind of stunt you pull out of your ass, nothing will be able to top December 2005 when the former administration decided to turn the Obelisk into a giant condom. They were simpler times back then.

  • Are you excited about going to see Björk tomorrow night at GEBA? Well you shouldn’t, because she cancelled. Sorry!
  • Also, were you aware she has been performing in Buenos Aires this whole month? Because I had no idea! Although in all honesty I really don’t care that much about her singing. All I remember about her is that song where she shooshed everyone and that time in Bangkok when she went apeshit on a reporter and beat her senseless. Just like that councilman from La Candelaria! The only difference is that Bangkok is already a relatively well-known city around the world, so beating that woman up didn’t really amount to anything.
  •  Oh, football. What would I do without you? I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but you’re just too adorable for me to hate on you. Sometimes you provide so much comedic value that if you were a tangible being instead of a stupid, excruciatingly boring concept I would hold you against my chest and never let you go. Let’s take a look at what people who passionately follow the football have been doing this week, shall we?
  • After a match between Boca Juniors and Club Atletico Tigre, some Tigre fans decided it would be neat to go insult all the Boca players when they were leaving the stadium on their super luxurious Boca Juniors bus. After all, Tigre had been defeated and we all know there’s nothing more cathartic than telling people you don’t like to go fuck themselves. But, alas! The Boca players took the insults personally and decided that the most rational, coherent thing to do in that conundrum was to get off the bus and start beating the shit out of everyone. The result? One of the players ended up with two broken fingers. So smart, these guys.
  • No, I will not make another La Candelaria-related joke. Shut up.
  • Let’s say your favorite team (in this case Racing) lost 4 to 1 in the previous match. When the time for the next game comes, how do you welcome those brave fellas who week after week leave their lives in the field just to provide you lazy, beer-drinking fucks with 90 minutes of idiotic entertainment? Well, isn’t it obvious? You douse them with a rain of crutches, of course! Because calling them “crippled” is not enough. No, you want to hit them in the head with those heavy metal poles and literally cripple them to make a point, right?
  • You know what, I changed my mind again. Fuck football.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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Weekly News Roundup, April 6th

It’s Good Friday again!

It’s a holiday. It’s early. And yet here I am, half asleep, writing for you.

I hate you all so much.

Specially since I know that none of you will be reading this today. Maybe on Monday, when you’re back from your Holy Week escapades, you’ll casually remind yourself that you haven’t checked the news and visit this column. The world may be over by then, but no, you still don’t care right?


So first things first, here are this week’s best suggestions for my weekly opening statement:

  • “I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s gray and Wednesday too.Thursday I don’t care about you, It’s Friday I write for you!” – By Jenny F.
  • “Fuck this shit, it’s Friday. I’m out!!!” – By Leandro DS
  • “Give me an F! Give me an R! Give me a… – ah, whatever, it’s Friday.” – By Mateo R.
  • ‘Last Friday, zero were the amount of fucks given about ur thoughts on my column’ – By Pablo G.

Thanks for your efforts kids! You truly outdid yourselves. All others who didn’t make it this week is because they sucked.

Now this is what you need to know:

  • I don't know what's up with this weird-looking photo of Boudou, but this is all Wikipedia had. Sorry. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    Well, now that the 30th anniversary of the Malvinas War is over, let’s all hope that this whole diplomatic rift goes away forever (until next year). As expected, there were commemorations of the conflict on both sides of the ocean, as well as political speeches, marches and riots. And where do you think most of those took place? You guessed right: here (but that’s probably because mostly no one in the UK gives a shit about this)! So last Monday we had:

  • President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner’s speech that she gave in Ushuaia, where she once again called for the UK to sit down and negotiate the island’s sovereignty. And even though she sometimes used her controversial rhetoric, I must say it wasn’t as bad as I expected. In fact she even seemed conciliatory when she said that this was a day to also mourn those British soldiers who perished in the war because “the death of a young person is always a tragedy.” She also stressed that the Argentine population is peaceful and that it will continue to be peaceful in the sovereignty negotiations. Here’s the video of her speech, for those two readers genuinely interested in it.
  • And, speaking of incendiary, those assholes from Quebracho, the extreme left-wing organization that the entire Argentine population seems to hate and yet they somehow continue to exist, decided that the best way to prove that Cristina was right about that “peaceful” part was to attack the British embassy in Recoleta. So they threw Molotov cocktails at the water cannon truck that was trying to disperse them and attacked the infantry officials with slingshots and marble balls (yes, a slingshot), all in the name of peace.
  • Now onto something else: Sometimes, when a political scandal erupts, I usually wait until it becomes a big thing to talk about it here. Mainly because most of them they just disappear into the night as fast as they crawled out from under a rug, and end up being irrelevant. This week, however, a corruption scandal involving none other than Vice-President Amado Boudou has entered the main political arena, so it’s time for you to know what’s going on. The case is fairly simple: our favorite Vice-President has been accused of using his influences as Economy Minister to lift the bankruptcy plans on a money-printing company called Ciccone. A judge investigating the case ordered a raid on one of his properties in Puerto Madero in order to prove that there is a connection between Boudou and the Ciccone CEO. (Have I lost you yet? ‘Cause I know that after a couple of lines of not making a joke you start drifting away. Still with me? Good.) OK, so Boudou was pretty pissed and gave a speech in Congress on Thursday, (here’s the video, if you wanna watch it) accusing the Clarín media group of being part of a mafia leading a smearing campaign against him.  So there. Now you’re got something else to talk about next time you end up trapped in a conversation about Argentine politics and need to prove you’re “totally into Argentina’s current political climate.” You owe me a beer.
  • Well, now things are bound to go to shit. That’s right everyone, start buying canned food and mineral water. Go to your basement (yes, I know people don’t have basements in this city, whatever) and stock up because  a civil war is coming. Yerba Mate, that bitter, silent anesthetic that has managed to keep Argentines from exploding in a bout of rage for centuries is now impossible to buy thanks to very high prices, caused by, well, no one is really sure. The Government is outraged since they say there is no reason for it to double its price in just a few days, while producers blame the hike on rising costs of production. Whatever the reason, drinking mate is now expensive. But let’s look on the bright side! I don’t like mate. So there.
  • Also, the World Trade Organization is pissed about Argentina’s latest import restrictions.  Since you don’t really understand what the WTO does, then it’s OK, you shouldn’t worry.
  • Speaking of Boudou, and trade barriers and shit, the Vice-President became something of a laughing stock this week after he tweeted that the Government is not against imports but “just looking after your jobs. We’re looking after the Argentine industry.” Of course that would have made complete sense, except he tweeted it from his personal iPhone, which not only is totally made in China, but is also a product impossible to get anywhere in the country due to the imports ban (unless you buy it in Mercado Libre, where you will surely be ripped off). Oh, well. It’s just a phone, right? I’m sure he doesn’t own any more apple produc…- Oh.
  • Also, the guy sitting in front of him with the weird hairdo that looks like the Argentine version of Jason Schwartzman is Economy Minister Hernán Lorenzino. He also owns an iPhone, as you can see in the photo. *giggles*
  • In other news, the Government continues its crusade against capital flight so now if you travel abroad and want to get dollars from an ATM, you better: A) Have a bank account that is not from an Argentine bank, B) Rob someone at gunpoint, or C) Have an Argentine bank account in dollars and pay the monthly fee that comes with it (the most difficult option of the three). The positive side of this is A) If you’re a foreigner living in Argentina you probably own an account in a foreign bank, and B) If you’re an Argentine chances are you can’t afford to travel abroad because getting dollars is a pain in the ass. So there. Now there’s no need to rob anyone. Yay!
  • Are you the lucky owner of a Movistar line? (You know where I’m going with this, don’t you? You’re already smiling). If you are, congratulations! You’re one of the lucky 16 million people who had no cell phone service for more than five hours last Monday, a service disruption that caused riots of biblical proportions throughout the country as angry teenagers failed to update their Facebook statuses on their cell phones or tweet about how “psyched” they were with the new Justin Bieber single or Skrillex, or whatever it is that kids listen to these days. The service was eventually restored after the company managed to fix a “system problem.” But that, of course, was not enough to appease the angry mob. Fortunately the Government always thinks of the costumer first and announced that they are considering the “worst kind of possible sanction” against Movistar. But wait, there’s more! The company has announced that all users will get compensation for the trouble caused: you will not be charged for that day. Which means you get like a $4 discount! And people say corporations are greedy.
  • In all fairness though, Movistar said there would be other freebies, such as free text messages from yesterday until Sunday and other stuff. Check it here.
  • Oh. You don’t read Spanish? Tough shit. Maybe you should finally stop relying on this column for everything and start learning the language, don’t you think? I’m a writer, not your nanny.
  • OK, so that terrible storm that hit the city last Wednesday was neither a

    This photo may or may not be from Palermo. I will conveniently not say. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    tornado nor a hurricane (even though if you look at this photo captured with a cell phone I still have my doubts), but it was still pretty fucking big. At least 15 people have been killed and many others have been injured after they were hit by falling branches or collapsing roofs.  Look, the media even created a video montage to illustrate the gravity of the situation. It has a scary soundtrack and everything! No, but in all seriousness now, politicians and scientists are agreeing that this storm was extremely unusual and that there is no recollection of Buenos Aires ever being affected by such strong winds. So there, maybe you were not here for the 2007 snow storm, but have now witnessed the storm of the century. Congratulations, maybe.

  • Three years ago, the Argentine population was introduced to a non-fictional character that would become the nation’s pet peeve for several months. When transvestite Zulma Lobato was discovered during a television interview in April 2009, she became an instant hit. Her off-key singing, her unexpected outbursts of rage and endless collection of wigs all contributed to her instant rise to celebrity status. For months, people (myself included) would shamelessly giggle at her quirkiness and deliriums of grandeur, since time after time she would repeat that she was destined to be on Dancing With The Stars even though her chances were rather slim. Not because she lacked the talent, of course (we all know you don’t need to be talented to be on that show). No, Zulma’s biggest liability was that she was not a hot, slutty 25-year old piece of ass. So the call never came, and when it finally sank in that people were laughing at her, not with her, she had a stroke on live television. And that’s when everyone said “Oh. Shit,” and realized we had all been making fun of a mentally-unstable person. But, alas! We live in a liquid society, in which we’re outraged by a Kony 2012 video, so we angrily post it on our Facebook profile, rallying others to join us in our global fight against injustice, until we see this video of two cats speaking French and we totally forget about it. So in a matter of seconds, Zulma disappeared from our televisions… until now! That’s right, she’s making her comeback! You know, if Britney Spears, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan have all had it, why couldn’t she? The problem with her new music video, besides reeking of amateurism, is that it seems to be just another excuse by some unscrupulous producer to keep laughing at her. So now it’s up to you. You can be an asshole and laugh at it, or angrily post it on your Facebook profile, rallying others to join you in your global fight against injustice, until you see this other video of two cats speaking French.

Happy Easter everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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Weekly News Roundup, March 30th

Yeah, that’s right. It’s Friday.


And winter is back with a vengeance, since courtesy of your friendly neighborhood Climate Change there’s no autumn anymore.

With only a few days passed after the March equinox, we’re now knee-deep into the glacial age, struggling for survival. Get ready for long, oxygen-devoid bus rides, endless meriendas of chocolate con churros and people walking down the street in a shitty mood pretty much because of everything.

Who knows… if you’re lucky you could actually see some snow! Because in case you don’t know, Buenos Aires was blanketed in white snow back in July, 2007, a strange, unexpected phenomenon that prompted residents to leave their homes and head into public parks and squares to celebrate by singing and dancing in collective joy while many homeless people were freezing to death around the corner. But let’s not be a buzzkill and mention that. Here, enjoy some YouTube video from that day featuring a tango soundtrack and happy people dancing in the snow.

And before I forget, here are this week’s top submissions to replace that much-dreaded “It’s Friday again!”:

  • “Fridayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” – Suggested by Serena H. 
  • “If Friday was a sparkling sequin glove, consider today Michael Jackson.” – Suggested by Teddy E.
  • “Does anybody know what time it is? Round-up time!” – Suggested by Carly P.
  • “Aprendan español, manga de putos!” – Suggested by Juanjo E.

I’m not sure I’m so crazy about that last one.

Now, are you ready for more wacky antics involving the Malvinas, the Subte, Maradona and an invisible puma?

Because you know they’re coming. Resistance is futile.

Here’s what you need to know:

  • First, the Malvinas/Falklands controversy in a nutshell (because I know you’re bored by it):
  • UK’s The Telegraph published this non-story because it needed to stir shit up. They succeeded, everyone here was outraged for a couple of hours. Then they went back to talk about the weather.
  • The British government said Argentina has no military power to engage in a military conflict with the UK.
  • Argentina, offended by such a horrifyingly true statement, called the UK “ignorant.” 
  • More bilateral stupidity coming next week, I assure you.
  • Do you have a couple billion dollars to buy the Subte? 'Cause if you do I'm sure the Government will be more than happy to sell. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    US President Barack Obama decided he will suspend trade benefits with Argentina in 60 days because the country won’t pay a disputed debt it holds with two American companies since the 2001 economic crisis. The move will not really affect the country since it’s more a symbolic measure and it represents a merely 20 million dollars. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner replied she will not give in to…- you know what? I can tell you really don’t care about all this. So for those of you still interested in reading what she said, here’s the rest of the story. All others jump to the next bullet point.

  • At last, after many comings and goings, the gloves have come off between Cristina and Mayor Mauricio Macri. This week Congress finally passed a bill that forces City Hall to accept the transfer of the Subte management, which means that the Subway should officially fall in the City Government’s responsibility. But City Hall doesn’t want it, obviously, because it sucks (have you been down there in the summer? Good God!) and it needs a lot of money, so the City Legislature passed a motion to void the bill recently passed in Congress. Now, I’m no expert in bullshit but I’m pretty sure that that is indeed bullshit. Let alone unconstitutional. Yesterday, Cristina gave an unexpected speech on live television in which she once again urged Macri to take over the subway and once again offered to keep part of the subsidies in exchange. A couple of hours later, Macri replied also on live television by criticizing Cristina for her refusal to meet with him to discuss a different approach to the matter. In the meantime, the Subte system remains in legal limbo. Not that you care much since after the fare hike to $2.50 last January you probably started walking everywhere.
  • I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book,” said funny man Groucho Marx once. Or Karl Marx. I don’t know, one of those. Anyway, imagine one of those Marx’s surprise had he been alive in Argentina in 2012 and learned that the Government was actually banning all foreign publications from entering the country.  Because that’s exactly what happened. So let’s just say that if you decided to order Breaking Dawn via Amazon.com, first you should be ashamed of yourself, and second, you would have to go down all the way to Ezeiza to get it after paying an import fee. Not only that, the official explanation as to why books and magazines were being banned was that they could contain dangerous amounts of lead in their ink. Now, before you get carried away by an uncontrollable rage and set out to slit each other’s throats, let’s try to look at this matter in the most objective way possible in order to realize that the indignation coming from both sides of the political spectrum was equally ridiculous. First, the public outcry coming from those against the Government made it seem as if we were back in 1933 and this was taking place right before our eyes. “They don’t want people to read!”, many complained on Facebook, denouncing censorship. Even the hashtag #releasethekraken #releasethebooks was trending in Twitter Argentina. At the same time, those blindly supporting the Government (who can be just as idiotic) defended the measure, suggesting that people who buy their books abroad are just rich posers trying to find another excuse to criticize the administration’s protectionist policies. “I don’t read books, I read e-books,” said an influential member of the La Cámpora Kirchnerite youth organization last month during an unrelated interview. So there, problem solved. Just get every poor person in the country an iPad and we’re all set. And while both sides engaged in endless discussion about who was being Nazi-er, the fact is that this had nothing to do with ideology or censorship. The country is bleeding money, so Domestic Trade Secretary Guillermo Moreno decided to put a ban on a lot of imported stuff, including books and magazines coming from abroad. Fortunately the backlash was so big that yesterday the Government decided to reverse its policy on imported books, which means your $700 autographed copy of The Hunger Games will soon be landing safely on your doorstep.
  • Did you stand in line and pay a lot of money recently to obtain your

    Some will try and have you believe we're in Nazi Germany. The few remaining Nazis exiled in Córdoba under a false identity probably beg to differ. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    much-coveted DNI identification booklet and card? Congratulations! But don’t you just hate that us foreigners are stuck with this brownish, depressing booklet instead of that pristine bluish one that Argentines get? So unfair. Well, worry no more because Cristina announced this week that the booklet will no longer be produced because let’s face it, it looks like something out of the 19th century. So now people will be able to vote with their ID card and avoid the hassle of having to carry that thing. The sad part is we don’t vote, so I just realized this piece of news is totally irrelevant to all of you.

  • Sad news, grandparents and Back to the Future fans! Calvin Klein is leaving the country at the end of March (meaning now) due to draconian import restrictions. So if you’re over 75 or just love living in the 80s, run today to the last Calvin Klein store at the Unicenter mall and get as much stuff as you can! I hear there’s a 75% off on everything. I honestly don’t think I’ve worn any CK underwear since I was 12, otherwise I would totally joined the #ReleaseTheUnderpants movement on Twitter.
  • You have no idea what “draconian” means, do you? Here, learn.
  • Great news marijuana enthusiasts! (Stop smiling, I know who you are. I know the demographics of my readership and you are a part of it as much as anyone else).  The National Government is finally moving ahead with a congressional bill, spearheaded by Senator Aníbal Fernández’s mustache, aimed at decriminalizing the smoking and possession of marijuana as long as it’s for private use. The bill is expected to go through a lengthy process that includes several congressional committees and if approved still needs to be passed in the Senate and the Lower House. So hold your horses, potheads. You’re still gonna have to wait a bit more before you can share a joint with that nice cop that’s usually standing at the corner of your block.
  • Warning: now comes the football part, which I usually get wrong because I just don’t give a shit about it. So remember that next time you send me an email pointing out how ignorant I am because I don’t know where Chacarita (or whatever is called) plays.
  • Former football God and current all-things-communist lover Diego Armando Maradona got into somewhat of a kerfuffle this week during a match involving the team he coaches in Dubai, the Al Wasl. And I never thought I would say this, but this time I’m totally on his side! The whole thing’s in Arabic so I have no idea what’s happening, but apparently fans, unhappy with the team’s performance, thought it would be fair to punish Maradona by beating up his girlfriend, who was sitting in the bleachers. By football standards, it sounds like a totally fair idea, right? Well, Maradona wasn’t pleased and all hell broke lose. Don’t worry, nothing happened to any of them. But  the funniest part came after the game and during the press conference, when Maradona told an inquiring journalist that he jumped in to defend his girlfriend because he found it unacceptable for a man to hit a woman. “I don’t care if we’re in a stadium, a church or a mosque. It’s unacceptable. Even if it’s you. If you disrespect my woman I will go to your house and get you.” he said, asking in return: “Wouldn’t you have done the same thing?”. And the journalist is like “Uhhh…”. The translators face is priceless. Watch. I will probably go back to disliking Diego next week, but today I’m his biggest fan.
  • And in an unexpected turn of events, as London readies to welcome the Olympics, three subway (or “tube”) stations in the city have been “temporarily renamed” to honor football stars Lionel Messi, Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tévez. Good for them. Goes to show that this whole Malvinas/Falklands clusterfuck is nothing more than a divisive ploy concocted by two governments acting like a couple of spoiled brats. Kudos to the Brits on this one.
  • Huh. This is the second football-related news that I don’t find so reprehensible. Maybe I’m starting to like this sport after all?
  • Do you like touring car racing? Then you’re in luck, because a major TC 2000 competition (Argentina’s version of NASCAR) is being held this Sunday on the 9 de Julio Av. So now you know why the place looks like the set of Death Race 2000. If you stay home Saturday night and wake up around 4 am you might be able to find a good place. Chances are you won’t though. Just turn the TV on. It’s basically the same.
  • Do you hate touring car racing? Then for the love of God, STAY HOME this weekend! Don’t even think of driving/taking a bus that goes through that area! It’s going to be a fucking nightmare!!! (Extra “!!!” for dramatic effect).
  • And last but not least: I know you are all wondering whatever happened to that surreptitious, totally non-existing puma that kept terrorizing the Vicente López residents for weeks. Well, the blood-thirsty feline is apparently still hiding in its non-existing evil lair because the body count has stopped rising and remains at zero since the last time he was seen. That, however, hasn’t stopped it from becoming an international star, so here’s a piece the BBC did on this mythical story of horror and survival, which even quotes the embarrassing statement from a La Nación columnist who suggested the Puma could be “a reincarnation of former president Néstor Kirchner, who keeps lurking around his former Olivos residence.” And that, ladies and gentlemen, did in fact happen.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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Weekly News Roundup, March 23rd

¡Gracias a Dios es viernes!

Oh, God, that’s terrible.

You can blame reader Javier V. for that one, a lame Spanish variation of the now infamous TGIF, which as I’ve said countless times, is absolutely forbidden.

Also please stop sending me links to Rebecca Black’s “Friday” music video as if it were some kind of awesome discovery.

It’s not. It’s just not.

It is also very 2011, which means it fails to qualify as a “hot, new thing.”

However, keep sending me what you think should be the new opening for this column so we can replace that dreadful “It’s Friday again!”.

It’s so cheery it makes me sick.

Here are some of your most recent suggestions:

  • ¡Por Dios es viernes! (PDEV) – Suggested by English Undergraduate
  • Ready for a depressing read? Ready, set, go! – Suggested by Ryan P.
  • Otro viernes de mierda! – Suggested by Emma A.
  • Your column fucking blows, man. – Suggested by Disgruntled Reader
Such colorful, original suggestions!
The last one I didn’t really get, but whatever.
Anyway, keep ’em coming and I will keep posting some of them here.
Now let’s get down to business, shall we? This is what you need to know:
  • Meanwhile, in England: this.
  • Yup. We’re screwed.
  • Salta: "If you get raped it's your fault."(Photo/Wikipedia)

    What the fuck is going on in Salta? You may recall that last year two tourists were raped and murdered, and that a few weeks ago the provincial Health minister was fired after he accused a Japanese assault victim of “trusting other people too much.” Well, this week a Mexican tourist went to the police to say a man tried to rape her in some Cafayate night club. I really don’t know what’s going on there, but you might want to reconsider that ride on the Tren de las Nubes. Just saying. Better stay here.

  • Oh, and on top of that, Salta governor Juan Manuel Urtubey publicly stated that he is against last week’s Supreme Court ruling on abortion, and assured that in his province rape victims looking to have an abortion would still require a court permit in order to do so. “Judges will be able to make the laws when they become lawmakers,” he said, suggesting that he may not be up to speed on what a supreme court is supposed to be doing in the first place.
  • Apparently Corrientes, being the attention whore it is, became a little jealous that its dumb cousin (Salta) was all over the newspapers, so the provincial Health minister there came out and said that some raped victims between the age of 10 and 12, “where getting pregnant on purpose” because they would then be entitled to a government social program.  Then of course he also said he was against the Supreme Court ruling on abortion. I can totally see the Salta governor going: “Hey! Come up with your own controversial statements, you unoriginal douche!” and stuff.
  • As Salta and Corrientes ready to enter the provincial Hall of Shame, another province is proudly becoming a liberal, progressive stronghold. Santa Fe, located right above Buenos Aires, made news this Friday after its provincial government (led by a socialist governor) announced it had started mass producing Viagra pills, which will be distributed freely among patients with erectile dysfunction. Dear God, socialism is indeed terrifying!
  • As if that were not apocalypse-y enough, Rosario (the only place in Santa Fe you’ve probably ever been to) will become today the first city in South America to hold a gay wedding between two foreigners. So now you know, foreign gay readers (and I know there’s many of you): the road has been paved. Head over to Rosario and tie the knot. You have my blessing. Even if you’re too old, there’s no excuse. You get free Viagra! Watch and learn, haters. Watch and learn.
  • Soooo… let’s say you’re a woman living in Florencio Varela, right? You

    Rosario: "Welcome, gays!" (Photo/Wikipedia)

    feel a little light-headed, but you head off to work anyway. You enter your car and you pass out. Some people notice you lying unconscious there, so understandably they call the police. A patrol car shows up, two policemen get out and start looking around your car. A second later, they take your car keys, open your trunk, steal your laptop computer, your cell phone and leave without even helping you! Those bastards! If you were crossing your fingers as you were reading this, and prayed that there was some sort of footage of this, you’re in luck: here it is. Oh, and those two fuckers have been caught. Justice prevails! Kind of.

  • Still concerned about the fate of your beloved Subte system because neither the National Government nor City Hall want to manage that sinking ship? Yeah, I’m sure you are having trouble sleeping over this. Worry not, because the matter is still being debated in Congress, and the Government expects it will be passed very soon, once the Lower House easily votes in favor of handing over that whole mess to Mayor Macri.
  • Did I mention they will be handing over 33 City bus lines as well, causing the bus ticket to spike to (according to rumors) $4 pesos a ride? Did you just go “Oh, shit”? Yeah, you thought I was kidding when I said you were having trouble sleeping over this, didn’t you? Because I clearly wasn’t. Good luck sleeping tonight! :)
  • I know you probably keep losing your cell phone every two months so you don’t really care about this, but the Nationwide Number Portability is scheduled to go in effect in a week. This means that if you are tired of being ripped off by your cell phone company, you can always change to another service provider while keeping your number. This is great news! Too bad all cell phone companies suck. I suggest you keep the one you have. At least you already know the number to Customer Service and you know who to yell to, even though it solves absolutely nothing.
  • Do you enjoy running around the Tres de Febrero park? Yeah, you enjoy sailing through the Palermo Woods at sunset while listening to Lana Del Rey on your iPod Touch and looking at all the beautiful people who are also pretending to work out after a busy day at the office. You look at the skyline and it almost makes you feel like you’re in New York’s Central Park, doesn’t? Well, next time remember to keep your eyes open and you may come across a couple of dead bodies. That is so Central Park.
  • Some day you will be able to tell your grandchildren that you survived nature’s worst hailstorm in history, which of course took place in Buenos Aires. Sure, it was bad. And the hailstones were pretty big. This is how it went down, according to your personal experience. This is what the media wanted you to believe was happening.  So when you’re telling your grandchildren about all this, you might want to warn them the media is full of shit.
  • This week in “the football”: once again, as it happens every week, supreme being Lionel Messi broke some random record only weird people are keeping track of. Apparently “the flea” (that’s what he’s called, you see) became the player who scored the most goals for the Barcelona FC (or FC Barcelona, or however the hell you write it). Good for him! And bad for us football haters, who had to put up with the news showing montage after montage of every freaking goal he scored for his team. Yeah, we get it Argentine media. You’re living your frustrated world cup dreams, which were crushed two years ago, through Messi’s success. You’re like one of those pushy mothers who insist on signing up their kids into beauty pageants and talent competitions because, now that they are past their prime, their children’s success is the only way to channel all that bottled anger and frustration for what it could have been had they tried a little harder. Now shut up already.
Have a great weekend everyone!
Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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Weekly News Roundup, March 2nd

It’s Friday again!

And it’s been a weird week in Argentina. Politically speaking, it’s mostly been a mess.

Not much has happened in the non-political world. Kids have gone back to school so now we have to avoid the little spoiled brats while they’re running down the street again.

Surprisingly there are no shocking videos this week. No Big Brother jokes either. No soft porn! How tragically disappointing.

No, this week has been mostly about politics, and it has propelled the Argentine population into doing a little soul-searching about the current political scenario.

That’s right folks, today it’s gonna be one of those “mostly about politics” column, so you’re welcome to close this window and go back to enjoying some videos about kittens on You Tube.

It’s like one of those “Choose your own adventure” books, where you could end up dead if you made the wrong choice.

If you wanna be an asshole and blatantly disregard the current political shit storm affecting the country you’re living in so you can keep looking at kittens, go here. If you have the balls to keep reading go… well just keep reading. 

Good for you!

Now, as I was saying: this week has been about the Malvinas/Falklands sovereignty issue, the tragic Once train accident that still haunts millions of commuters and what exactly is the role President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is supposed to play in our lives.

And it mostly culminated yesterday afternoon, when the President gave an impassioned three-hour speech as she opened the 2012 legislative year in Congress and she tried to remind everyone in this country why she’s the Head of State.

Is this all too hard for you to understand? Am I going too fast?

Well maybe if you gave up pot it wouldn’t be. Just saying.

Ready? Here we go.

This is what you need to know:

  • President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was in the eye of the (shit) storm this week (Photo/Wikipedia)

    After the Once railway accident, President Fernández de Kirchner disappeared. Well, she didn’t disappear. She just went away to her Santa Cruz retreat for the long weekend without even making a statement or calling the families of the victims. This of course infuriated the population. Even her most hardcore supporters began saying that it was wrong for her to ignore such a tragic event. “We were there for you when your husband died, where are you now that WE need you?” they said. Tongue-in-cheek “Wanted” posters showed up on Facebook and Twitter, urging the President to return to Buenos Aires and address this mess directly. She didn’t, since last Sunday would have been her late husband’s birthday and she chose to stay away from the public eye.

  • (Technically this is last Friday’s news, but it happened a few hours after I posted last week’s WNR.) Once all the 50 victims of the railway crash were identified, there was still one person unaccounted for. 20-year old Lucas Menghini Rey was nowhere to found. He wasn’t in any hospital and he wasn’t in the morgue either. His parents, who had been told by a fireman that he had been evacuated alive, began this desperate crusade throughout the city to find him, aided by the media and the entire country’s population who kept posting his photo on Facebook and Twitter. On Friday evening, and by mere chance, the police finally found his body compacted between the third and fourth cart of the train. He had been lying there for two days but everyone had failed to notice. The outrage was immediate and it sparked a very violent protest outside the Once station. People set the place on fire while the always-present opportunists began ransacking nearby stores.  The police responded with teargas and closed the station until the situation was once again under control. People kept asking for the President to address this situation personally in order to bring calm to the situation, but she never showed.
  • Then last Monday the President returned to the spotlight in Rosario, right in front of the National Flag Memorial, where she gave a speech to commemorate the 200th anniversary of the first hoisting of the Argentine flag.
  • Then she discussed the Once tragedy and said she hoped the culprits were found in no longer than 15 days. “I will not accept that some people blatantly try and exploit the dead in order to score a few political points,” she said, apparently forgetting that that is exactly what she’s been doing since her husband passed away.
  • And just like that everyone got over the infuriating rage that had been invading them for several days. Yay, politics! Now do you understand why I’m such a cynic? Machiavelli would be proud.
  • If you thought this whole mess would mean that the Government would

    Niccolo Machiavelli. One of those guys you know you should read someday but never cared much to do so. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    forget about the Malvinas/Falklands, think again. This week, the Tierra del Fuego government banned two cruises from docking at one of its ports. The local Government also contacted Argentina’s twenty largest companies and asked (ASKED, not ORDERED. ASKED. You get that, Daily Mail?) them if they could stop buying British goods until the UK decided to comply with the UN and discuss the islands’ sovereignty with Argentina. The UK of course, was not amused and responded with some generic politically correct bullshit like “well, that’s not good” or something like that.

  • Then yesterday the President went to Congress to open the legislative year and spoke on live television for 195 minutes (that’s like watching Titanic AND one episode of Robot Chicken altogether!) and reviewed her administration’s greatest hits while leaving out the inconvenient truths. She then cried some more about how hard it is for her to keep going (she’s a widow, in case your forgot) and then, in a surprise move, she announced that she wished to reinstate commercial flights between Buenos Aires and the Malvinas Islands as a gesture of good will to show that Argentina is a nation of peace, not war (she’s right about that one). So she said she hoped the matter could be discussed with the British government and people could start flying there again soon. Yay, politics!
  • You think that’s funny? Because that’s exactly what happened on Wednesday. As Macri was announcing that the subway system was entering legal limbo, people (and the mainstream media) were more interested in a relatively irrelevant football game than the fate of millions of commuters. Once Macri’s press conference was over, one journalist uttered these words on live television: “Well, that was intense. Now back to the game…”. So as I like to say every week: fuck football. :)
  • Since we’ve already discussed the important stuff – Messi’s hat trick – we can go back to discussing more trivial stuff, like the fact that Mayor Mauricio Macri decided to return the Subte to the National Government. That’s right. Remember two months ago when the City took over the management of the subway system and the fare went up to $2,50 and there was this whole scandal over it? Don’t lie. You DON’T remember because you were not here. You were partying like crazy back in your home country while I was basically writing for myself here, so stop lying you transparent fool. Well, but that’s basically it. The City took over the subway for two months, but then Security Minister Nilda Garré announced she would be withdrawing all Federal Police presence from the subway stations because crime prevention down there was up to the City’s Metropolitan Police. So Macri said “Fuck it, I don’t want it. Now take it back.” Yeah, that’s how grown ups do business here.
  • After Macri’s announcement, the President replied: “You can keep the Federal Police down there for 30 more days. Now shut the fuck up and grow a pair.” Macri, however, apparently hasn’t grown a pair and declined the President’s offer to keep the subway and returned it. “Returned the subway.” Ha!  I love this country.
  • Oscar-nominated and Argentine-born actress Berenice Bejo, that girl who starred in “The Artist” and was glorified as the most Argentine thing to happen to Argentina since the invention of dulce de leche even though she couldn’t even remember where she was born because she left the country and moved to France when she was three, lost the competition last Sunday to The Help’s Octavia Spencer. The media immediately began referring to her as “that French girl who lost.” Oh well, at least we still have this video featuring San Lorenzo-fan and hobo-looking Viggo Mortensen. He was Aragorn in Lord of the Rings, you know!
  • Once upon a time, back in the 1970s (or 60s, or one of those, whatever) there was this really big British band called Pink Floyd that sang about politics and war and stuff. Also something about a wall, but this is all from the Cold War era (if you clicked on Cold War, you should know you disgust me) and I’m sure you don’t give a shit about it. Anyway, the band’s lead singer, a man who goes by the name of Roger Waters, is scheduled to  perform nine shows this month. 400,000 people from all over the country have purchased their tickets to go see him. That’s 1% of the country’s population. That’s right, 1% of the country is going to go see this guy, that’s how big he is. And since he’s such a big star here, when asked about the Malvinas/Falklands clusterfuck during an interview with the Chilean press, he just said it categorically: they belong to Argentina. I know what you’re thinking: “Such an opportunist!”. But in Mr. Water’s defense, he has stood by Argentina’s claim ever since the Malvinas War. He even wrote a song about it! So shut up.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono
* Thank you readers, for pointing out that the match was against Switzerland, and not against Greece, as I previously stated. Now you can see I’m not lying when I say I don’t give a damn.

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Weekly News Roundup, February 24th

It’s Friday again!

And what a fucked up week it’s been for Argentina.

So this week’s column is going to be rather grim, because that’s just the way it is.

You have probably heard all about it by now, but just in case you don’t give a damn, which trust me, is possible, here’s what you need to know about the latest tragic train accident:

  • This photo illustrates what TBA considers should be an "acceptable" service. Fuck them. (Photo/Beatrice Murch)

    At 8:32 AM on Wednesday, a train from the Sarmiento line entering the Once railway station failed to break as it reached the platform and hit the track bumper at 20 km/hour, leaving 51 people dead and over 700 people injured (click here for footage from the security cameras at the moment of the crash). After such a strong impact, the second car was plunged “about six meters into the first,” which is where most of the victims were found. In case you haven’t noticed, most commuters usually enter the first car in order to get off first and save time, so you can imagine how packed it gets in there during rush hour. Most of the people inside the first car were killed instantly.

  • Even though the reasons for the accident remain unknown and forensic authorities have begun analyzing every aspect of it in order to figure out what went wrong, the tragedy has once again sparked a long-standing debate about the poor state of the trains that millions of people take every day to go to work. However, a representative from Trenes de Buenos Aires (TBA, the company running the train system) showed up at the station to defend the service saying that he considers it to be “acceptable.” Yeah, that’s right. This is “acceptable” to him. Or this. Or this. I shiver to think what it is he would consider “bad” service. Fucker.
  • A few hours after the accident, Transportation Secretary Juan Pablo Schiavi gave an unfortunate press conference, which he opened by saying that accidents like this happen all over the world (“so don’t blame us!” *hint, hint*) and then said that had this happened on Tuesday, which was a holiday, the tragedy would have been a lot less serious. In response to what you’re probably wondering: no, he has not resigned nor has he been fired.
  • President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner issued a statement, saying she was deeply saddened by the tragedy and announced two days of national mourning. Then no one has any idea what happened to her but she’s been MIA ever since.
  • She also cancelled carnival celebrations, which were scheduled to take place this weekend on 9 de Julio Av. This kind of makes sense since I don’t think shaking your naked ass on a float in front of thousands of people on a day of national mourning is a great idea.
  • As the death toll and the amount of injured passengers continued to rise, the international media got ahold of the news and heads of state from all over the world began sending their messages of support to the Argentine population. Mexico, Chile, the United States and Spain were some of the first nations to send their condolences in light of this tragic incident. But imagine the population’s surprise when suddenly the United Kingdom, whose relationship with Argentina has been more than tense in the last few months due to the Malvinas/Falklands controversy, was among the first to say that “their thoughts were with the families of the victims and with the emergency services still trying to help those involved.” See, people? This is what true diplomacy is all about. Sure, both countries may sound like they are about to kill each other, but in the face of tragedy, you leave your differences aside and you help whoever is in need. Had this happened in the UK, would you have had a similar attitude (I’m talking to you, Argentines)? If your answer was “I would have said they deserved it for stealing our islands,” then let me just say you, my friend, are an idiot.
  • Speaking of the Malvinas/Falklands, a group of Argentine journalists, philosophers and other hard-to-pinpoint professions sent an open letter to the media in which they said that they had had it with all this bullshit and surprisingly had decided to side with the islanders and their right to self-determination. Can you imagine? Traitors! So the President charged them with heresy and ordered to have them burned at the stake, to which the populace hastily complied.
  • Ha! No, of course they were not burned. But everyone pretty much told them to go fuck themselves. Here’s the letter in case you want to read it in Spanish, even though I know you couldn’t care less.
  • Mark your calendars: the National Day against Mining Exploitation is coming. And no, this is not another holiday that the Government just pulled out of its ass. Apparently it’s gonna be this nation-wide protest against mining activities in the north-western provinces. You’re disappointed, aren’t you? You thought this was going to be another day off, didn’t you? Well it’s not. Deal with it.
  • In another heavy blow to the cruise industry (which is already in hot water after the Costa Concordia fuck up incident), a waitress working in the MSC Armonia died of Influenzavirus B after being hospitalized in critical condition in Santos, Brazil. Several people in the cruise, which arrived in Buenos Aires on Wednesday, started showing similar symptoms and everyone started freaking out, but then the local Government said there was no threat so everyone decided to overcome the tragic death of the waitress by going shopping in Palermo Soho. See? And they didn’t even need Dr. House for this one.
  • Did you click on that “Influenzavirus B” link? You didn’t, did you? That’s OK, it’s not like you would have understood a single word of it. Let’s just call it a really bad flu, period.
  • Socialite, philanthropist, Argentina’s wealthiest person in the entire

    No one you know. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    universe and old person Amelia “Amelita” Fortabat passed away last weekend at the age of 90 (not that you care since you never heard of her). However, she was a prominent figure who inspired Andy Warhol to paint a portrait of her. And that makes her a thousand times cooler than you (unless you’re Marilyn Monroe) and worthy of being mentioned on this column.

  • And finally: here’s a video that has been making the rounds on Facebook and Twitter, that at first makes you laugh and a few minutes later it keeps resonating in the echo chamber of your brain until you come to understand that there is really nothing funny about it. Maybe it’s the decadent state of that centuries-old, unusable blackboard in some God-forsaken school in Catamarca. Maybe it’s the finger-painted wall, collecting digital signatures since who knows how many years back, displaying signs of neglect. Maybe it’s the teacher’s attempt to conceal the fact that she just doesn’t know how to multiply while her students blatantly laugh at her ignorance. But mostly, I’m sure it’s the realization that this is the standard of education we’re offering future generations. Children who in a few years will be in charge of keeping society afloat while we hope to live with whatever shitty pension we’re entitled to. So yeah, that’s right. We’re fucked.
  • Also, in her defense, I don’t think I’ve multiplied anything without a calculator since 1997, so I’m sure I wouldn’t know how to do it either. Give her a break.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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Weekly News Roundup, February 17th

It’s Friday again!

And let’s deal with the ongoing Malvinas clusterfuck so we can get that out of the way fast, yes?

I know you’re tired of reading about it but when the missiles start coming and you need the location to the closest fallout shelter you will be thanking me.

Now be a good boy/girl and read.

This is what you need to know, in a nutshell:

  • Yeah, we all knew I was gonna go with a photo of Sean Penn. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    Sean Penn visited Argentina. Yay! Sean Penn! He came here to ask for money because he’s a goodwill ambassador for Haiti and those people need dollars to fix their country after the devastating earthquake that left their nation in ruins two years ago. But then Sean Penn criticized the British government for not wanting to return the Malvinas/Falklands to the Argentines and now the Brits are offended. Argentines, on the contrary, are delighted with Sean Penn. Some of them have even said he should run for president of the United States! Of course the truth is that had he said the opposite and defended the UK, most Argentines would have said “¿Qué mierda se tiene que venir a meter este yankee de mierda en temas que no le importan?”. I know it, you know it, we all know it.

  • Two fighter planes escorted a small Cessna plane to the islands. That’s it. It’s a non-issue. But the media (that’s us) needs to sell, so the day after, newspapers were basically going: “OH MY GOD, LOOK! LOOK! LOOK AT WHAT THEY ARE DOING! THEY DID THIS NEW TOTALLY NON-THREATENING THING BUT WE’LL SPIN IT SO IT SOUNDS TERRIFYING, LOOK!! YOU SHOULD BE MAD!!!” And people got mad. *sigh*
  • Also, Argentina accepted the UN’s offer to act as mediator in the conflict, but that doesn’t sell so there’s not much to say about it.
  • Last bullet point about Malvinas, I swear: Have you ever noticed, while taking a stroll down Plaza de Mayo, that there is some sort of camp set up on its south side, with white flags asking the President for official recognition? Well those are former soldiers that have been camping there for years, hoping that the Government will consider them war veterans, even though technically they are not. You see, those former soldiers were on active duty during the Malvinas War, but they were never sent to fight. They were dispatched to Patagonia and remained there for months, but they never fired a single shot or engaged in combat, because the war took place entirely on the islands. Probably the most dangerous situation they had to endure was trying not to die of boredom. So since they are not war veterans they do not get a veteran’s pension. Simple, right? No, nothing is simple in this country. They still want their pension no matter what, so this week they resorted to (what else?) interrupting traffic on the 9 de Julio Avenue hoping to draw some media attention. In response, the government responded with (what else?) rubber bullets and tear gas. Considering for a moment the 9 de Julio Av. looked like a fucking battlefield, I’d say these guys are now entitled to their pensions. See? It all works out in the end.
  • And to think that all this is because of those two little islands that neither Britain nor Argentina really care about, no matter what they say.
  • And speaking about democracy and new ways of curtailing your constitutional rights, another scandal has just exploded right on the face of the National Government, after the media found out about this so-called “Project X,” an intelligent-gathering database that according to sources in the National Gendarmerie “is used as an analytical tool and guideline in court cases, like informational support to Operative Units.” Which we all know is bullshit for “spying on you.” The Government of course has said that it would not comment on the matter until it finds some half-baked explanation that gullible voters will buy no matter what. Well they didn’t say it like that, but that’s what they meant.
  • The Argentine population is fuming after word got out that national lawmakers and senators had agreed on a 100% salary hike for themselves, effectively going from earning 15,000 to 30,000 pesos a month. And every major political party was in favor of it (of course). Hey, don’t judge! Non-existing inflation is hard to deal with, you know? Especially when you’re a hard-working politician. I mean look at these guys! They are so exhausted from working they pass out on their seats in Congress. Right?
  • Vice-President Amado Boudou, who as we all know still insists on pretending to be young and hip even though he’s not, grabbed a guitar and climbed on stage all sweaty and fat and started rockin’ it out with La Mancha de Rolando. But my favorite part was seeing him wearing a t-shirt that read “Clarín miente” (Clarín lies), which we all know is kind of true sometimes but he should be acting like a vice-president and not like a patronizing, rebellious teenager.
  • Yeah, that was it. I know it’s not really news. I just wanted to show what a douchebag he can be sometimes.
  • Oh-oh. You may want to call your parents before they hear about this from somewhere else: Germany, France, Spain, the United Kingdom, the United States and Brazil are all raising their warning levels for travelers coming to Buenos Aires. And after last week’s incident in Plaza San Martín, can you blame them? However, I feel like I need to be fair here and come out in defense of Buenos Aires. First of all, most of you don’t leave Recoleta, Palermo or San Telmo, where the worst thing that can happen to you is getting stabbed, and that would probably be your fault for deciding to take a stroll at 3 in the morning. You just have to be careful, period.
  • Yeah, I know. I said “first of all” so there should have been a “second” part but I totally spaced out and lost my train of thought. So whatever.
  • Also, I’m not trying to freak you out or anything, but a few days ago there was a near collision between two passenger planes in Aeroparque. Technically they “grazed” each other on the tarmac, which means they were two millimeters away from killing 400 people. So… you know. Fingers crossed next time you’re flying to the Iguazú falls or Punta del Este or wherever it is you like to go.
  • Well, we all knew it was bound to happen sooner or later: a wachiturro

    This is a wachiturro. You've been warned. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    has been arrested in Chile on terrorism charges. Yeah, that’s right: a wachiturro. In case you’re not familiar with their horrendous –yet ridiculously popular- music, here’s a sample of their most famous single “Tirate un paso.” Anyway, one of the wachiturros, apparently referred to by some people as the “Scary wachiturro,” (just like one of the Spice Girls, although for entirely different reasons), had no better idea than to say, after going through the metal detectors in a Chilean airport, that he was happy security “had not been able to find the bomb he was carrying.” Bad move, Scary Wachiturro! Within a few seconds he was arrested by the airport police and I really don’t know what happened after that because I found the story to be extremely dull and stopped reading. Maybe he’s been released; maybe he’s been shipped off to Guantanamo. Who cares?

  • Here, have some fun with the new map that’s been making the rounds on Facebook, Twitter and maybe Friendster. It’s a map of the city of Buenos Aires according to the “cool Palermo crowd” (you know who you are). So wrong, yet so true.
  • And yes, the Malvinas clusterfuck has now reached the rock bottom part of this column, usually reserved for anything football-related because that’s how much I care about that idiotic sport. However this is kind of fun, so read on: in an effort to push stupidity to the max, the AFA decided to name the Clausura Tournament “Crucero General Belgrano” in honor of the eponymous Argentine warship that was sunk by the Royal Navy during the Malvinas/Falklands War in 1982. Who knows what kind of amorphous monster could result from such a manic combination of shallow nationalism and dangerous fanaticism? Well we may never know because the FIFA is now considering sanctioning the AFA since it may have incurred in “political discrimination.” Why? I don’t know, I’m just happy this is all happening.
  • Ah, now here’s a manly sport that I respect because at least no one is trying to sell you that whole “sportsmanship” crap that no one believes in anyway (like football). You see, what I like about Boxing is that basically you have to kill your opponent, and the cathartic process seemingly helps satisfy the bloodlusting-crowds. Well, except for last week in Mar del Plata when Filipino boxer Johnriel (“Johnriel”? Really? OK.) Casimero killed knocked out Argentine boxer Luis Lazarte (sorry, no Wiki page. I guess he’s not that important) and all hell broke loose, with the audience jumping into the ring and trying to kick Johnriel’s ass. Don’t believe me? Here, it’s all caught on tape.
Have a great weekend everyone!
Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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