The British government has released over 3,500 official documents from 1982 related to the ten-week war on the Falklands/ Malvinas islands. The documents include testimonials by then-British Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, given behind closed doors to the Falkland Islands Review Committee in October 1982.

The papers were released under the 30-year rule, which states official documents must be declassified after 30 years, unless the information contained within them could put Britain’s national security at risk.

Key revelations include how the Argentine invasion of the islands took Thatcher by surprise. She told the committee: “I never, never expected the Argentines to invade the Falklands head-on. It was such a stupid thing to do, as events happened, such a stupid thing even to contemplate doing.”

They also show the fears Thatcher had over re-taking the islands. Speaking of 31st March 1982, when “raw intelligence” proved the invasion was imminent, she said: ”That night no-one could tell me whether we could retake the Falklands – no-one. We did not know – we did not know.”

Such were her fears, that days after the Argentine invasion, Thatcher contemplated ceding administration of the archipelago to the United Nations, in view to granting them independence.

The papers also reveal failed attempts by the former Mexican president, José López Portillo, to coordinate a meeting in Cancún between Thatcher and Argentina’s de-facto leader Leopoldo Galtieri in May 1982.

However, various documents, including some related to the submarine that sunk Argentina’s Belgrano warship, have not been made public.

The war lasted from 2nd April to 14th June 1982. Casualties included 650 Argentine soldiers, 255 British servicemen and three Falklands civilians.

President Juan Manuel Santos of Colombia rejected the International Court of Justice (ICJ) decision that ruled part of the waters around San Andrés islands belong to Nicaragua.

Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos

On Monday Santos said he “emphatically rejected” the decision and claimed the ICJ “committed serious mistakes that have affected us [Colombia] negatively, among these mistakes, omissions, excesses and inconsistencies.”

Yesterday Santos took another official step against the decision by declaring  a state of economic emergency in the San Andrés islands.

“This is the moment to be together, as we have said on so many occasions, with the will to go forward. The inhabitants of these islands can be sure that the government is on their side and will be working to give them the future we all want,” Santos announced in a press conference held on the islands.

The Headquarters of the ICJ in The Hague (Wikimedia)

The ICJ’s decision rules that a large part of the island’s maritime territory is Nicaragua’s. The Colombian government has perceived this as a threat for Colombian fishermen. The ruling states that meridian 82 is now Nicaraguan territory, although until yesterday the Colombian government had not given the order to move the military ships stationed in the area. On the contrary, the government has called for their ships to make protecting Colombian fishermen a priority.

The Organisation of American States (OAS) has called for Colombia to accept the ICJ’s decision.

“Colombia is an advanced country, a civilised country, a  democratic country. It is not in Colombia’s, Nicaragua’s, international justice’s, or humanity’s interest to not respect international norms and judicial decisions” said Ricardo Seintenfus, Nicaragua’s representative at the OAS.

Santos has said that they would consider any legal routes in contesting the decision. However, a magistrate from the Nicaraguan Supreme Justice Court, Rafael Solís Cerda, said that he doubted Bogotá would legally reject the decision.

“I think that with time Santos will accept the decision. This reaction is probably provoked by the impact the decision had on Colombians, but I have no doubts they will accept it”, Solís said.

It’s Friday again!

And before you start reading, let me kindly suggest that you go get your news somewhere else.

No, I’m not kidding. I’m serious. Go read about something that really matters, like how your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s zodiacal sign means he/she is prone to infidelity.

Because honestly, there’s not much to read here this week. Everything you read will basically redirect you to two things: either the Malvinas/Falklands conflict or football.

And quite frankly, I think you and I have had enough of that.

So this week I had to face an impossible decision: either I didn’t write the column in order to let the Government know that this inherent lack of tomfoolery is like slamming my fired up creativity into a cold, refreshing pool of water, or I wrote it anyway and waited for the hate mail to start pouring in.

“You always talk about the same thing, man!”

You know what I mean.

So, after cogitating for some time about professionalism and respect for my loyal readers, I understandably took the high road and decided to tell you all to go fuck yourselves and go out for a beer.

So now I’m hung over and, for some reason, still writing this column even though I originally decided against it.

I was going somewhere with all this but I’ve lost my train of thought.

Thanks for nothing, readers.

This is what you need to- Oh yeah! Now I remember. Like I said, this week this column is mostly about the Malvinas and football. So there. Take it or leave it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Yes. I already used this photo a few months ago. If you have a better idea for a photo this week, you know where to write. I won't care but you know where to write. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This week saw the 30th anniversary of the end of the Malvinas/Falklands War (See? Malvinas. Told you.) and of course the bilateral acrimony between Argentina and the United Kingdom was emanating strongly from both sides of the ocean. So here’s everything that happened in a nutshell, so we can get this out of the way fast and move to other more important things, like football.

• David Cameron, that cheeky British prime minister, thought that in order to piss off the Argentines even more on the day of the anniversary, it would be a good idea to fly the Falklands’ flag on top of 10 Downing Street. Very subtle way of saying “Fuck you”, sir. Congrats. You truly are a gentleman.

• On that same day, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to New York to attend a conference at the United Nations, where the Special Committee on Decolonization regularly functions. “Regularly” of course being used ironically since in international relations the SCD is considered to be obsolete, but whatever. She spoke, she didn’t say anything new, once again asked the UK to give peace a chance and then urged the British government to engage in dialogue. Because dialogue is the only way that this will ever be solved. OK? OK. Now read the next bullet point.

• Once her speech was over, a representative of the islands’ government approached Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman and tried to hand him a letter addressed to Cristina in which he asked her to talk to them in order to discuss the islands’ sovereignty. Timerman said no. You guys didn’t think that whole dialogue bullshit was true, right? Because it’s not. Well, now the islanders are upset. Which means that there’s no possibility of a rapprochement anytime soon and I will still have to write about this stuff in the future. Fuck my life.

• Meanwhile, in the Malvinas/Falklands: the islanders, probably tired of being ignored by the international community, announced they would conduct a referendum on the islands in order to “put this sovereignty fuckery to rest once and for all.” Well, they didn’t say it like that, but that’s what they meant. So that’s great, guys! However, there’s no need to “announce” you’re gonna do it. Just do it! Considering the islands have a population of like, 12 people, you just go to the local pub and tell the parishioners to raise their hands and count. That’s it! Referendum ready.

• I’m kidding, islanders! I know you’re more than 12 people! I also know you read my weekly rants, so I’m sorry, but if everyone else falls then you don’t get to leave this column unscathed.

• This week, in non-Malvinas related news: the Interior Ministry announced the creation of a new passport that will cost 400 pesos and will include a state-of-the-art chip that Argentina hopes will persuade nations such as the US, Canada or Australia from asking citizens for a visa before they travel there. The good news is that since dollars are basically impossible to find anywhere in this country, Argentines weren’t even thinking of going there in the first place. See? Everybody happy.

• **UPDATE** The US has already replied by saying “Thanks! But no thanks.”

•  Apparently the cacerolazos are still happening, even though no one is actually aware of them. Not content with last week’s fiasco, which failed to galvanize the anti-Kirchnerite segment of the population, a few angry people decided to come out yesterday and bang their frying pans and teapots in order to demand access to their dollars protest corruption. Fortunately this time they had the help of former mayoral candidate and absolutely crazy person Guillermo Cherashny (did you click on that? You should. Want another one? Here’s another one). I’m not sure what Cherashny, a journalist who really did run for mayor of Buenos Aires, was doing there in the first place but if his protest methodologies are indication of anything, I’m certain the cacerolazos will eventually become a “thing”. After all, who could forget his You Tube video aimed at Hewlett-Packard in which he decides to take action against his laptop computer (did you click on that? You should.)?

• Also, since we are talking about protests and injustice, can anyone give this guy a hand? You see, former railway worker Luis Alberto Ninona has been indicted along with many others in the case investigating the Once railway tragedy that took the lives of 51 people last February. So understandably, Mr. Ninona is not allowed to leave the country, as he is suspected of being responsible of manslaughter. But, alas! His lawyer announced that he has all these (I assume, frequent flier) “miles” accumulated and he needs to used them before they expire for a little vacation in Punta Cana, where he’ll be sipping piña coladas for a few days only to eventually return to explain why he’s not kind of responsible for so many deaths. The prosecutor, clearly a bad person, has already said he will not let him leave Argentina for a trip with his family. Can any of you give this guy a hand? Anyone? No? Shame on you.

• Now here’s a piece of news that could be considered a semiotician’s wet dream: do you know who Richard Stallman is? Well, in case you’re too lazy to even click on that link to Wikipedia, let’s just say he’s a computer programmer who was become globally known as the leader of the “free software” movement. (also known as “people who want free shit”). You may recall reading about Mr. Stallman last year after he stirred quite a controversy when he said “he wasn’t glad Steve Jobs was dead but he was glad he was gone.” Still don’t know him? OK, never mind. Anyway, Mr. Stallman was invited to speak about free software at the UBA School of Economics last Friday and, predictably, had his personal computer, passport, medication and travel money stolen while he was giving his conference! So… karma? You know what, I take back what I said at the beginning. This week was amazingly funny.

• At long, last! After six interminable months devoid of music, dancing, and masturbatory material, the biggest TV show in the history of poor quality TV shows is back! (No, kids! I’m not talking about Ricardo Fort‘s megalomaniac extravaganza “Fort Night Show.” That one actually begins in eight days and it already looks like it’s gonna suck). I’m talking about the local version of Dancing With The Stars of course! The impressive opening last Monday, which lasted over 12 minutes, and I must admit is worth watching, featured the entire cast of Game of Thrones dancing to the tunes of Madonna, Adele, LMFAO and Michael Jackson. So it was pretty much the gayest 12-minutes in the history of television. Too bad after minute 13 it’s all downhill until December.

• By the way, if you’re not a pop culture connoisseur or you just arrived in this country and have no idea who Ricardo Fort is, let me just say that if Willy Wonka and The Situation from The Jersey Shore met at a bar one night and decided to have sex, he would be their illegitimate spawn. If you still don’t get the picture, here’s his already classic rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” which I have posted here a thousand times and will continue to post until I’m dead. Or he ‘s dead. Whichever comes first.

• Also, in unrelated news but somehow totally related: for months this image went viral on every social network last year, saying that every time you start watching Dancing With The Stars (hosted by Marcelo Tinelli) a book kills itself. So in some kind of poetic -yet depressing- twist of fate, last Monday night at 3:30 am and only a few hours after the Dancing With The Stars premiere was over, a water pipe in the Library of the City Legislature “mysteriously” broke and destroyed more than 13,000 invaluable books forever.

• Horror! For the first time in its 142 years, and in order to further perpetuate the notion (well… your notion) that this country is turning into North Korea, your favorite newspaper in the whole world (La Nación) failed to reach the newsstands due to a union conflict (workers demanding better salaries). So no, this time it wasn’t the Government trying to destroy free speech. Next week maybe, but not this time.

• This week saw the death of yet another singer you couldn’t care less about, this time was Memphis La Blusera‘s Adrian Otero. Since I know that you didn’t care about Estela Raval’s death last week and you don’t care about Otero’s death this week, let’s just be practical and move on. Sorry, everyone. There’s just no point in any of this.

• The reckless endangerment in this country continues, this time in the so-called “Poncho Rally (?)” in Catamarca. The good news is that, even though the driver could have killed dozens of bystanders that were casually standing on the side of the road, this time the only one getting kind of killed is him.

• Don’t worry, I said “kind of killed,” not “killed”. You can laugh without feeling any guilt.

• As signs of an impending zombie apocalypse continue to surface all over the world, a widow in Buenos Aires seems to have fully embraced the concept and decided to pimp the crypt in which her late husband is buried. She even has cable TV and everything! Now don’t laugh. Necrophilia is in this year. Don’t you watch True Blood? It’s basically a show about dead people fucking each other and so far I haven’t heard a qualm. It’s 2012, get over it.

• Shocking! The very aptly named “Happy Planet Index” shows that on the list of happiest countries on Earth, Argentina comes No. 17! You guys, that’s awesome! See? I told you those cacerolazos were nonsense. Everyone is happy here! Now, I have no idea how this is measured, how rigorous these studies are or how much bullshit factor is involved (not because I couldn’t find it, it’s all right there on the website. I just couldn’t be bothered to look it up). All I know is that if you live in the US, Mongolia or some landlocked African nation, chances are you are pretty pissed off right now.

• That cute little alpine town at the end of the world that you love so much (Ushuaia) is seemingly entering the Ice Age once again. Tierra del Fuego authorities reported that only last week it had already snowed half of what they would usually get in an entire season! People had to be evacuated and roads were closed, leaving the town completely isolated from the rest of the world. I’m not willing to bet on it, but I’m sure the people from the Happy Planet Index did not go all the way down there to ask how things were doing. Just saying.

• This week, in sports that I hate: Argentine football continues to
  

  Football. I fucking hate it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  spiral down into utter chaos while I rub my hands in delight at the prospect of seeing that ignominious sport cancelled or constitutionally banned for good. Let’s read about it, shall we?

• River Plate is fucked. No, for real this time. As if last year’s relegation to the National B had not been enough, 2012 seems to be slapping fans in the face with a sledgehammer. Last Sunday, before a match between River Plate and some team named Boca Unidos that at first I thought it was Boca Juniors but then I realized it was not, two of River’s hooligan factions clashed inside the stadium, leaving one of them dead. That’s right, these guys are killing each other and they even root for the same team! The murderer was arrested today in Mendoza. So smart, these guys.

• **UPDATE** The internet peoples have kindly pointed out that, contrary to what the local media initially said, the stab victim was  actually not a member of a hooligan faction. He was just a fan. Now, since I usually don’t give a shit about football I would have let it slide, but in this case we’re talking about someone’s death and this information had to be corrected.

• As rumors that the River Plate stadium could be shut down due to the murder were abound, a new controversy exploded this week after a player from the ignotus (at least for me) team Patronato de Paraná or something like that casually dropped during a press conference that River Plate authorities had offered them “incentives” (i.e. bribes) to win a match against Rosario Central for some reason. The nationwide outrage was immediate and now, if the accusations are proven true, River Plate could be facing a 4-month to 2-year suspension from all football activities. Oh, come on guys. That wouldn’t be so bad! I mean, there’s always tennis.

• A game between Gimnasia de la Plata and Ferro had to be suspended after someone, who I swear to God was not me but totally could have been, called in a bomb threat.

• Yeah, sorry. No Wikipedia links to Gimnasia de la Plata or Ferro. Oh, they do exist. I just didn’t care to do it.

• Diego Maradona, whose opinion for some reason that escapes logic still matters, felt compelled to intervene in Argentina’s favorite pastime: insulting Lionel Messi.  ”If people here keep making his life miserable here, Messi is going to stay there (Spain) and never come back to Argentina,” he said. Haha! Maradona, you silly. What makes you think he ever wants to come back in the first place? You’re funny. You’re a funny guy. Why don’t you go back to winning trophies instead of talking about stuff no one cares about? Oh, that’s right.

• Last but not least: remember a couple of weeks ago when Frankenstein led a hooligan protest against the head of the Independiente club after he launched his own personal crusade to diminish the power of those deranged football fanatics? Well, he’s back! And this time, the man who goes by the non-threatening sobriquet “Bebote” (Big baby), may not be wearing a Frankenstein mask, but chose an equally intimidating fashion item: the pibe chorro hoodie. Not only that, he tried to face the bellwether president of the club, Javier Cantero, outside his club at night while the TV cameras were rolling. The result is scary and hilarious at the same time.

• So here I am, cigar in one hand, glass of port in the other, as I watch the world of Argentine football collapse upon its own gravity, like a decadent black hole struggling to survive its unavoidable fate while ravaging everything on its path. And I couldn’t be more ecstatic.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday, people!

And I have great news: I’m still here!

I know that last week I may have suggested that the local Government was en route to arrest me for considering me an enemy of the state due to my treacherous citizenship and was planning to ship me off to the Argentine Guantanamo, but it turns out it was all a huge misunderstanding! (Basically, I made it all up.)

So, what else is new? Oh, right. The Fall is basically extinct, and in further evidence that Argentina is approaching a “tropical country” status largely due to climate change, last week we went to bed while enjoying a warm, summer night and woke up the next morning freezing to death. I’m not kidding, this week it was actually colder in some areas of Argentina than in Antarctica.

So hurry up, my fellow hibernation enthusiasts, and learn the facts before we’re all encased in ice for the rest of eternity under half a kilometer of snow.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  In a distant past (2010) people would stride great lengths and travel en masse to the International Book Fair just to catch a glimpse of the so-called "books." Now everyone's hooked on e-books, so no one gives a shit. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  The Argentine Senate has preliminary approved the YPF expropriation bill, which is now headed to the Lower House floor. Lawmakers believe the bill could be finally passed next Wednesday, unless NATO bombs us first.

•  Still, it seems my country (Spain) will have to swallow its words and find a different approach to the whole YPF controversy. After what started as a grim warning of how terrible Argentina’s decision to expropriate the oil company was, the outrage seemed to fade out as the week progressed and the Spanish government found that pretty much no one was willing to join the administration’s plans to bomb Buenos Aires. International organizations such as the IMF and the World Bank, as well as the European Union and the US feigned disappointment and indignation for a couple of minutes, but then swiftly washed their hands from the whole thing by calling it a “bilateral issue.” Sure, the European Commission has warned that Argentina’s decision will have “dire consequences” for the population’s future, but there’s not much more they can do. Except bomb us.

• I’m done with this YPF thing for today, I promise. Although don’t get too excited. Malvinas is coming up next.

• The brand new Argentine ambassador in London, Alicia Castro, first published an interesting op-ed on Malvinas (See? I told you) in the conservative British newspaper The Telegraph, which caused the faces of all its readers to melt, Indiana Jones-style. She then formally presented the UK government with a proposal to restore commercial flights between the Malvinas Islands and Buenos Aires, as a friendly gesture. Then the islanders said no, which sucks because I was really hoping to score me some low-cost tickets for one of these long weekends. Think about it, the Malvinas could be a great place to celebrate Spring Break. British pubs, the sea and lots and lots of penguins. It doesn’t get any better than that. Come on, islanders!

• If you are a passionate follower of President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, chances are: a) You hate me for being “anti-Kirchnerite” (even though I’m not), and b) You’re not reading this before you’re heading over to the Vélez stadium in Liniers to attend the Cristina-palooza that is taking place today at 6 pm! (You’ve probably seen the posters while walking down the street, summoning everyone to go show their support for the President). And if you’re wondering what the hoopla is all about, what big announcement she’s going to make, this is the best part: it’s about nothing. You know, like Seinfeld. No, seriously. The whole point of the rally is to have a stadium full of people calling her name, while she gives an impassioned speech showing how strong she is. That way she can persuade NATO from bombing us all next Wednesday.

• If you’re wondering why the Subte has been going on strike almost everyday lately, here is why (not that you care). Long story short, since the whole subway system is a ticking time bomb on the verge of collapse and neither the National nor the City governments want to take care of it, the Subte employees are selflessly trying to raise awareness about how unprotected us passengers are, while putting their entire careers at risk over charges of insubordination.  Also, they want more money.

• Great news everyone! You know when you’re standing in the immigration line to enter/leave Argentina at the Ezeiza airport and you realize you didn’t bring a pen with you so you can’t fill out those pesky immigration forms? Well, not to worry because as of now the Government has finally implemented the new digital terminals with a biometric system. How exotic and 21st century of yours, Argentina! It’s almost like in the US! (Without the paranoia).

• Terrible news everyone! You know when you’re standing in the luggage belt after landing at the Ezeiza airport (don’t make me link to Wikipedia again) and you realize your suitcases have been ripped open and someone has stolen your Toblerones, your iPod, your iPad, your iLaptop or whatever and your digital camera because you were dumb enough to put them in your suitcase instead of carrying them with you? Well, it is still happening (which you should have guessed since I started this bullet point by saying “Terrible news everyone!”).  The Ezeiza airport police arrested 15 employees this week who were found responsible of stealing hundreds of items from careless travelers in the last couple of years. So remember that next time you send off your blackberry in a giant suitcase because you can’t be bothered to carry it.

• I guess being afraid of having your stuff stolen somewhat counts as being paranoid, so there! The local airport experience is now just like in the US.

• Argentina, you’re on (technologically speaking) fire! Since apparently the biometric system at the airport was not enough to make us look cool, now taxis will gradually begin offering passengers the possibility of paying with a credit or debit card. Fancy! So far only “15 or 20 taxis” have been provided with a wireless card reader in order to test the new methodology and “see what happens.” Really? “See what happens”? What could happen? You pay and you get out of the car! Am I missing something here? Whatever. Good luck catching one of those “15 or 20″ taxis in a city of three million people.

• Have you visited the International Book Fair in Plaza Italia yet? Why not? Never mind.

• Well if you had been there on opening day, you would have witnessed the hilariously tragic crossfire between Education Minister Alberto Sileoni and the City’s Culture Minister Hernán Lombardi (I know you didn’t click on any of those links, by the way). You see, since both of them were asked to give a speech at the opening ceremony, Lombardi (at odds with Cristina) seized the opportunity to attack the National Government for last month’s “ban on books” fiasco. Sileoni, of course, pretty much told him to fuck off while the audience booed and clapped and stuff. All in the name of education and culture, people.

• [ADDENDUM] Jesus, people! OK, I get it. I got like 15 emails from you and one guy even complained about it below. There are no “boos” to be heard in the Feria del Libro video, even though they existed. Sorry I gave you hope on some “boos” everyone! And if you still need to satisfy your blood lust, here’s a video from a couple of years ago when Cuban dissident Hilda Molina presented her book at the fair and leftist groups decided to crash her event and ruin it, all in the name of freedom of speech. Now fuck off.

• Oops! Back in 2008,  58 Pre-Columbian artifacts dating from 500
  

  Hotel Eden. Nazis welcome. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  to 1000AD, with a cumulative value estimated at around US$ 700,000, were mysteriously stolen from the Ambato Museum in La Falda, Córdoba. How exciting and Hollywoodesque, right? Even more intriguing, the Ambato Museum is located inside the creepy Hotel Eden, a mythical place that once hosted Che Guevara and Albert Einstein. What’s worse, according to historians, its owners were staunch Adolf Hitler supporters (no surprise there) and had personally offered their hotel as a hideout to the fuhrer in case things didn’t go as planned after World War II. How awesome is this story, huh? You’ve got the fifth Indiana Jones movie right here. The script is writing itself! But alas, it turns out it wasn’t the Neo-Nazis trying to revive Hitler and Che Guevara by casting some ancient indigenous spell only described in one of the stolen artifacts. Nah, that’s too contrived. They were actually in the hands of a City Government official who moonlights as an art collector, obviously. The guy has claimed that he purchased the items “in good faith” and that he had no idea that they were stolen, while City Hall has denied that the guy was working for them. Whatever the case may be, it’s a thousand times less exciting than the possibility of a fight to the death between zombie Hitler and zombie Che Guevara while the fate of humanity hangs in the balance.

• I know, I have issues. Leave me alone.

•  This week, in “The Football“: TRAGEDY! In an unexpected turn of events that has the global scientific community at a loss, infallible, human-like deity Lionel Messi failed to score against the Chelsea this week, triggering an unstoppable chain of events that has ended in the shaming and collapse of Spain as a sports legend worldwide. And we all know what this means. THIS. That’s it, folks. Messi is now officially on the way down. Sure, he reached the pinnacle of his almighty glory these last few years, but deep down we all knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this charade up for long. Now, I don’t know much about football (that’s why every week I keep feeding you inaccurate information when it comes to games, and teams and players and shit. It’s not that I fail at gathering the correct information. I just don’t care about getting it), but one thing is clear: when you fail once, the deep scrutinizing begins. “Is something wrong with him?” or  ”Messi hits rock bottom!” are some of the statements coming from the pundits who allegedly know what they’re talking about. So now it’s only a matter of time before he gives in to cocaine, alcohol and prostitutes (you know, like a certain someone) and he ends up in a distant outpost in the Middle East while engaging in mischief and tomfoolery largely due to cultural differences (you know, like a certain someone).

• You thought I was going to compare him to Diego Maradona, didn’t you? Please, like I’m that predictable.

• Oh, shit: The local press is saying that Lionel Messi’s girlfriend is pregnant. And so the collapse of an idol begins.

• Erik Lamela (someone I never heard of before but apparently used to play for River Plate so I guess he was kind of important), has having some sort of a kerfuffle with another player and decided to settle their argument by spitting on him. So here’s the video, which is totally disappointing because you can see him pursing his lips but you cannot see the actual spit. And let’s face it, that’s the only reason why you would click on that link in the first place. Still, Spitgate was so big this week that I decided to mention it, just to keep you in the loop. Because I know you don’t give a shit about Cristina’s speech today. But the spit incident? You have to know all about that!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And let’s deal with the ongoing Malvinas clusterfuck so we can get that out of the way fast, yes?

I know you’re tired of reading about it but when the missiles start coming and you need the location to the closest fallout shelter you will be thanking me.

Now be a good boy/girl and read.

This is what you need to know, in a nutshell:

• 

  Yeah, we all knew I was gonna go with a photo of Sean Penn. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Sean Penn visited Argentina. Yay! Sean Penn! He came here to ask for money because he’s a goodwill ambassador for Haiti and those people need dollars to fix their country after the devastating earthquake that left their nation in ruins two years ago. But then Sean Penn criticized the British government for not wanting to return the Malvinas/Falklands to the Argentines and now the Brits are offended. Argentines, on the contrary, are delighted with Sean Penn. Some of them have even said he should run for president of the United States! Of course the truth is that had he said the opposite and defended the UK, most Argentines would have said “¿Qué mierda se tiene que venir a meter este yankee de mierda en temas que no le importan?”. I know it, you know it, we all know it.

• Two fighter planes escorted a small Cessna plane to the islands. That’s it. It’s a non-issue. But the media (that’s us) needs to sell, so the day after, newspapers were basically going: “OH MY GOD, LOOK! LOOK! LOOK AT WHAT THEY ARE DOING! THEY DID THIS NEW TOTALLY NON-THREATENING THING BUT WE’LL SPIN IT SO IT SOUNDS TERRIFYING, LOOK!! YOU SHOULD BE MAD!!!” And people got mad. *sigh*

• Also, Argentina accepted the UN’s offer to act as mediator in the conflict, but that doesn’t sell so there’s not much to say about it.

• Last bullet point about Malvinas, I swear: Have you ever noticed, while taking a stroll down Plaza de Mayo, that there is some sort of camp set up on its south side, with white flags asking the President for official recognition? Well those are former soldiers that have been camping there for years, hoping that the Government will consider them war veterans, even though technically they are not. You see, those former soldiers were on active duty during the Malvinas War, but they were never sent to fight. They were dispatched to Patagonia and remained there for months, but they never fired a single shot or engaged in combat, because the war took place entirely on the islands. Probably the most dangerous situation they had to endure was trying not to die of boredom. So since they are not war veterans they do not get a veteran’s pension. Simple, right? No, nothing is simple in this country. They still want their pension no matter what, so this week they resorted to (what else?) interrupting traffic on the 9 de Julio Avenue hoping to draw some media attention. In response, the government responded with (what else?) rubber bullets and tear gas. Considering for a moment the 9 de Julio Av. looked like a fucking battlefield, I’d say these guys are now entitled to their pensions. See? It all works out in the end.

• And to think that all this is because of those two little islands that neither Britain nor Argentina really care about, no matter what they say.

• You’re probably aware by now that the shit has hit the fan in the northwest of the country and the population of Catamarca, San Juan and La Rioja have risen against the oppressive tyranny of the mining companies which apparently pollute the environment but the National Government doesn’t give a fuck because they rake in the big bucks. You’re not? Well, I’m not surprised. Anyway, the Fernández de Kirchner administration has been under severe scrutiny after the police fired teargas and rubber bullets at the environmental activists who were protesting the mining activities. So the President thought it would be a great idea to give a speech on live television in which a helmet-wearing miner thanked her for supporting the mining industry, which creates lots of jobs and totally doesn’t poison the land. “I know a lot more than those environmentalists because I spend all day working in the mines,” he said, and everyone was happy and cheered and laughed. And then one day later the media learned that the helmet-wearing miner was not really a helmet-wearing miner, but a non-helmet-wearing political activist from outside Buenos Aires who had just pretended to a helmet-wearing miner to make the protesters look bad. This is democracy, people. I told you it sucks.

• And speaking about democracy and new ways of curtailing your constitutional rights, another scandal has just exploded right on the face of the National Government, after the media found out about this so-called “Project X,” an intelligent-gathering database that according to sources in the National Gendarmerie “is used as an analytical tool and guideline in court cases, like informational support to Operative Units.” Which we all know is bullshit for “spying on you.” The Government of course has said that it would not comment on the matter until it finds some half-baked explanation that gullible voters will buy no matter what. Well they didn’t say it like that, but that’s what they meant.

• The Argentine population is fuming after word got out that national lawmakers and senators had agreed on a 100% salary hike for themselves, effectively going from earning 15,000 to 30,000 pesos a month. And every major political party was in favor of it (of course). Hey, don’t judge! Non-existing inflation is hard to deal with, you know? Especially when you’re a hard-working politician. I mean look at these guys! They are so exhausted from working they pass out on their seats in Congress. Right?

• Vice-President Amado Boudou, who as we all know still insists on pretending to be young and hip even though he’s not, grabbed a guitar and climbed on stage all sweaty and fat and started rockin’ it out with La Mancha de Rolando. But my favorite part was seeing him wearing a t-shirt that read “Clarín miente” (Clarín lies), which we all know is kind of true sometimes but he should be acting like a vice-president and not like a patronizing, rebellious teenager.

• Yeah, that was it. I know it’s not really news. I just wanted to show what a douchebag he can be sometimes.

• In case you didn’t know, Argentina’s version of Adolf Hitler, former de facto President and current Monster of the Black Lagoon General Jorge Rafael Videla (cue this music whenever he enters a room) is not dead, even though we all wish he were. And from time to time he gives some random interview from his tiny prison cell just to remind us all that he may somehow kill us in our sleep. For those who clearly don’t give a shit about Argentine history or otherwise they would know about it, this is the guy who staged the 1976 coup d’état that sparked the country’s darkest era to date since it included torturing pregnant women, stealing their babies and making political dissidents “disappear.” When democracy returned in 1983, 30,000 people had been “disappeared” and 500 babies had been stolen. However, Videla does not agree with history, so once again he has crawled out of his dark, moist cave to accuse the Kirchners of being “vengeful,” and to assure that it’s not 30,000 people who were killed but merely 7,000. Well. Maybe we should throw him a parade then? Agh, just die already.

• Oh-oh. You may want to call your parents before they hear about this from somewhere else: Germany, France, Spain, the United Kingdom, the United States and Brazil are all raising their warning levels for travelers coming to Buenos Aires. And after last week’s incident in Plaza San Martín, can you blame them? However, I feel like I need to be fair here and come out in defense of Buenos Aires. First of all, most of you don’t leave Recoleta, Palermo or San Telmo, where the worst thing that can happen to you is getting stabbed, and that would probably be your fault for deciding to take a stroll at 3 in the morning. You just have to be careful, period.

• Yeah, I know. I said “first of all” so there should have been a “second” part but I totally spaced out and lost my train of thought. So whatever.

• Also, I’m not trying to freak you out or anything, but a few days ago there was a near collision between two passenger planes in Aeroparque. Technically they “grazed” each other on the tarmac, which means they were two millimeters away from killing 400 people. So… you know. Fingers crossed next time you’re flying to the Iguazú falls or Punta del Este or wherever it is you like to go.

• Well, we all knew it was bound to happen sooner or later: a wachiturro
  

  This is a wachiturro. You've been warned. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  has been arrested in Chile on terrorism charges. Yeah, that’s right: a wachiturro. In case you’re not familiar with their horrendous –yet ridiculously popular- music, here’s a sample of their most famous single “Tirate un paso.” Anyway, one of the wachiturros, apparently referred to by some people as the “Scary wachiturro,” (just like one of the Spice Girls, although for entirely different reasons), had no better idea than to say, after going through the metal detectors in a Chilean airport, that he was happy security “had not been able to find the bomb he was carrying.” Bad move, Scary Wachiturro! Within a few seconds he was arrested by the airport police and I really don’t know what happened after that because I found the story to be extremely dull and stopped reading. Maybe he’s been released; maybe he’s been shipped off to Guantanamo. Who cares?

• Here, have some fun with the new map that’s been making the rounds on Facebook, Twitter and maybe Friendster. It’s a map of the city of Buenos Aires according to the “cool Palermo crowd” (you know who you are). So wrong, yet so true.

• And yes, the Malvinas clusterfuck has now reached the rock bottom part of this column, usually reserved for anything football-related because that’s how much I care about that idiotic sport. However this is kind of fun, so read on: in an effort to push stupidity to the max, the AFA decided to name the Clausura Tournament “Crucero General Belgrano” in honor of the eponymous Argentine warship that was sunk by the Royal Navy during the Malvinas/Falklands War in 1982. Who knows what kind of amorphous monster could result from such a manic combination of shallow nationalism and dangerous fanaticism? Well we may never know because the FIFA is now considering sanctioning the AFA since it may have incurred in “political discrimination.” Why? I don’t know, I’m just happy this is all happening.

• Ah, now here’s a manly sport that I respect because at least no one is trying to sell you that whole “sportsmanship” crap that no one believes in anyway (like football). You see, what I like about Boxing is that basically you have to kill your opponent, and the cathartic process seemingly helps satisfy the bloodlusting-crowds. Well, except for last week in Mar del Plata when Filipino boxer Johnriel (“Johnriel”? Really? OK.) Casimero killed knocked out Argentine boxer Luis Lazarte (sorry, no Wiki page. I guess he’s not that important) and all hell broke loose, with the audience jumping into the ring and trying to kick Johnriel’s ass. Don’t believe me? Here, it’s all caught on tape.

It’s Friday again!

And yes, this week’s column is mostly gonna be about the Malvinas/Falklands clusterfuck once more.

Have you rolled your eyes at me yet?

Good. Because I don’t care.

This is what you need to know:

You might run into this while walking around Olívos. How dangerously exotic! (Photo/Wikipedia)

• Previously on Weekly News Roundup: it was the UK’s turn to spice things up a bit in this Malvinas/Falkland never ending stupidity, so they sent the HMS Dauntless, a nuclear submarine and Prince William to the islands just in case Argentina decided to call them “silly.” That’s it.

• Everyone was caught off guard this week when the National Government announced that President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was going to be making a statement on national television in relation to the ongoing diplomatic conflict. While many feared she was going to make a formal declaration of war, others were more optimistic and suggested that she was going to offer the islanders a deal to create a weekly flight from Buenos Aires to the islands, which would have been really cool because I totally want to visit them. But alas, the cameras went on and the circus began. The Government had invited members of the opposition and war veterans to witness her speech, but they also let in a bunch of chanting idiots who started waving their flags and singing insults towards the British (because I’m sure the islanders are just gonna love that). And then, as the world anxiously awaited her “important announcement,” she finally said that since the UK has not complied with Argentina’s demands, she has no choice but to keep making them. Well, not really but kind of. She accused the UK of “militarizing” the South Atlantic, which is kind of hyperbolic but whatever, and warned she was going to file a formal complaint before the United Nations and the Security Council. Something she could have announced without the need to appeal to shallow nationalism.

• And while everyone was still oozing peace and love from their pores and singing about giving peace a chance as they were leaving the Government House, some Malvinas War veterans showed up and beat up Kirchnerite lawmaker José María Díaz Bancalari just because. I guess that is how they roll.

• The British press had a lot of nasty things to say about Cristina after the announcement. She’s “authoritarian” and “a quintessential bully,” they said. But the fuck up of the week goes to the Malvinas/Falklands-based online newspaper Penguin News, after the Argentine press learned that the photo of Cristina they used for their main piece on the website last Tuesday was uploaded under the name “bitch.jpg”. Whoops!

• Also, the Telegraph ran an article saying that Argentina has no more claim to the islands than Canada does to Alaska. Well, I’m sure that if being a part of Canada meant getting rid of Sarah Palin, Alaskans would sign up for Canadian citizenship like that. Just saying.

• And since the Barack Obama (really, you clicked on that? Wow) administration seems to support Argentina’s claim on this matter (their position is that the only way to solve this is through diplomatic dialogue), Cristina is super happy and wants to be BFFs with the United States. Yay! Argentine ambassador to the US Jorge Argüello said his goal is now to take the bilateral relationship to the best place possible. Nice! Maybe they can go back to being fuck buddies, like they were called in the 90s. You don’t believe me? It’s true! Back in the 90s, the US and Argentina were so close that the local Government and press began saying that they were having “relaciones carnales” which in Spanish means – you guessed it – fucking. Of course the true story is that Argentina was in fact getting fucked by the neoliberal policies of the Washington Consensus but whatever. Yay, friends!

• Really sad news: a French 52-year old man who was visiting Argentina was brutally murdered in broad daylight by a man who tried to steal his camera while he was taking photos at the Malvinas War Memorial in Plaza San Martín. The man, identified as Laurent Schwebel, was stabbed twice in the chest and tried to walk for a few meters, asking for help. He eventually collapsed as horrified bystanders tried to assist him. The police have arrested a suspect who they believe was responsible for the murder. This proves that even though Buenos Aires is a relatively safe city you must always be aware of your surroundings and stay alert. Be safe, OK?

• Also, this tragic death aside, this is the third French tourist to be murdered in Argentina in less than a year. Half a year ago two women were raped and murdered in Salta, and even though the men who did it were quickly arrested, this is still terrible PR for Argentina. I would understand it if the French decided to stop visiting out of fear. Let’s hope they don’t.

•  Oh and also, a few meters away from where the French man was brutally murdered, a cable got caught in a freight truck that was passing by, causing a traffic light to fall on top of a Brazilian tourist who was just standing there. So… yeah, you know where I’m going with this.

• Avoid Plaza San Martín altogether, is what I’m trying to say.

• And while we’re at it, you might want to avoid Vicente López as well since a blood-thirsty puma is apparently terrorizing the neighborhood. Yeah, that’s right. A puma (as in: a motherfucking puma). Oh, please! Spare me the “this shit doesn’t happen where I come from” face.  It does and it does. Shut the fuck up already.

• Have you ever tried walking across the Pan-american Highway (click here to see what it looks like outside of Buenos Aires)? Well, you may be a coward but as you can see in this video grandma isn’t, so she did. And she didn’t care who could have died in the process.

• And here’s my good deed of the day: next time you land at the Ezeiza International Airport or the Aeroparque Airport and you’re walking like a zombie, dragging your suitcase while trying to cope with your jet lag, please remember NOT TO head over to Global Exchange to trade your dollars/euros for some pesos. Because as it turns out, these mischievous guys will take your money for a 20% less value than any other money exchange place.  For every dollar they will give you 3.47 pesos (when they should be giving you close to 4.35). See? And some people say this column has no value to society.

• Since this week private vehicles are no longer allowed into the Downtown BA area on weekdays from 11 am to 4 pm, in an effort to cut down traffic jams. Not that you care because you don’t own a car.

• Great news people! The National Government just announced that if you don’t have your SUBE card yet there’s no reason to worry! Because they’ve decided to push the deadline to March 2nd. since apparently there’s a couple of losers who didn’t get the memo saying that if they don’t have their SUBE cards soon, they will lose their public transportation subsidy benefits. Which means you stood in line for three hours under the searing siesta sun for nothing.

Rest in peace, Spinetta. The Wachiturros will never even come close to your music. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• Rock legend and Argentine icon Luis Alberto Spinetta died on Wednesday after battling with lung cancer for more than six months. The entire country and even Latin America will continue to mourn this musical genius for days, since he is considered to be one of the forefathers of what is locally known as “rock nacional.” He will be remembered by many songs, but his most popular hit will always be “Muchacha ojos de papel,” a sweet ballad he wrote after being inspired by his muse back in 1969 that still fills 50 and 60 somethings with nostalgia. Listen to it, it’s pretty nice.

• Remember a few months ago when local football megastar Martín Palermo announced he was retiring, and they threw this huge farewell party at the Boca Juniors stadium, and everyone paid a lot of money to go there and everyone was crying because it was an emotional moment and they even gave give an actual goal as a gift and stuff? Well, as it turns out that wasn’t the real farewell party, for some reason! And if you thought so then you must have misunderstood. You see, the real farewell party was last Sunday and if you wanted to attend you had to pay again of course.  Isn’t football great? Yeah. Great way to make money! Like some bright mind tweeted recently: “I loved Martin Palermo’s farewell party last Sunday. I really hope the next one in six months is even better.” Clap, clap, clap.

• Oh, and before I forget: please don’t write to me explaining how one was a farewell ceremony and the other was a farewell game. I really, really, really don’t give a shit.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday again!

And I’m mortified to say that this may be our last Weekly News Roundup ever, since the way things are going it’s very probable that in a few days Buenos Aires will be replaced by a highly radioactive wasteland after a British nuke goes off somewhere in the City, the result of David Cameron’s unilateral escalation of the Malvinas / Falklands sovereignty conflict.

Haha, I’m kidding of course!

However, don’t tell your mother about these jokes because you know how parents react to all this. You make a joke about war and they start freaking out, yelling at you for abandoning the comfort of your first-world lifestyle to leave for “Argelina or one of those countries near Brazil” (“Brazil” being the only country they more or less know how to locate on a map of South America. Yeah, that’s right, it’s always Brazil. It’s not Colombia, it’s not Paraguay and God knows it’s not Guyana, a country that even I thought was in Africa for several years. I know it. You know it. We all know it.)

Deal with it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Prince William. His country may have nuclear weapons and rule the Malvinas, but he's going bald and there's nothing he can do about that. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Since apparently Mr. Cameron is dealing with some troubles at home he needs to divert attention and find a cause that will fire up the population. And what better way of doing that than appealing to the most primal of stupid nationalism? And while Argentina keeps saying “let’s talk about how those islands should belong to us,” the British government replies “Oh my God, invasion!!” So in order to protect the Malvinas/Falklands from a certain non-invasion and bring all of us closer to war, Great Britain has:

• 1) Decided it would be a great idea to send the HMS Dauntless to the islands in order to protect them from Argentina’s non-invasion. Despite its totally gay name, the Dauntless is a powerful anti-air destroyer capable of shooting down Argentina’s non-existing air force. Of course the British government said it was just “routine,” but we all know what that means.

• 2) In addition to that impressive warship, they also thought it would be smart to deploy to the islands none other than Prince William himself, who I’m sure is thrilled to have to stay at some barren, windy outpost north of nowhere for six weeks. I can totally see him, scotch in hand, going ”What the fuck am I doing here?” and such. Of course the British government said it was just “routine,” but we all know what that means.

• 3) As if that were not enough, Meryl Streep‘s latest film, “The Iron Lady,” which depicts the life of British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and focuses somewhat on the 1982 war between England and Argentina, opened yesterday and now everyone is depressed because it reminds them of that drunken military president who went to war with the UK because he needed to rally the country’s population behind some random cause to retain power. So I would suggest you avoid the issue altogether unless you wanna get punched in the face.

• أخبار عظيمة للجميع! (That’s supposed to be “Great news, everyone!” in Arabic according to Google Translate. It should have been in Farsi, but the option is not available so fuck it.) Inhuman rights champion and President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmedinejad officially launched last Tuesday a new Spanish news network which he expects will present “the cultural reality of Iran, the Middle East and Latin America.” In a very contrived Spanish, good old Mahmoud said: “Death to America!” “Viva España! Viva America Latina!” That’s great Mr. President! And you know, his administration is changing after all. A few years ago they would stone women to death, but now they “kinda call off the whole stoning thing.” A few years ago they would also execute the gays just for being gay, but now they have no more gays! They must have cured them or something. Right? Right?? Also, I’m pretty sure he was high when he made that video.

• Did you enjoy that overrated French movie, Amelie? Did you also enjoy that clearly underrated masterpiece The Da Vinci Code but are too ashamed to admit it? In both cases you probably enjoyed Audrey Tautou‘s performance. So if you care to get her autograph, you should know that she’s loose in San Telmo right now, according to every media outlet in the country. Yeah, that’s right. This is news, for some reason.

• Your dream has come true: Facebook Buenos Aires is now hiring! Too bad your resume is a million light years away from the kind of resume they’re looking for. Oh well. Pizza Hut and KFC are about to open in BA too and they will probably be looking for some “driven, outgoing individuals interested in workin in a fun, exciting environment.” Just saying.

• Mother Nature must have been pissed this week, because she’s been coming down hard on us humans.  A freak storm was unleashed over Córdoba city, catching everyone by surprise. Two people were killed, more than a dozen were injured and hundreds had to be evacuated.

• But the worst came on Wednesday when whatever Greek god is up there got pissed and decided it was time to
  

  The Constitución Train Station. I'm sure you're all going "Why, it looks just like New York's Central Station!" but trust me, it's nothing like that. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  teach us all a lesson, so he opened the floodgates of hell over Buenos Aires, effectively flooding the whole city within seconds.  And when I say “flood” I mean it. It was like that movie “The Day After Tomorrow,” only with more realistic special effects and better acting. If you had been waiting for the subway, this is what you would have run into. If you had been riding the bus, this is what you would have run into. And look! A geyser in the middle of the city! God bless Climate Change.

• Are you one of the million people who listened to my advice last week and stood in line for five hours under the sun/rain in order to get your SUBE card before the February 10 deadline? Well, like I’ve said a thousand times before, you should never listen to me. Because this week the Government set up a web site where people can order it online and get it in the comfort of their homes. No waiting. Sorry!

• And this is why you should never go to a nightclub in Constitución.

• Yeah, I know I just said you should never listen to me, but trust me on this one.

• Oh, and speaking of neighborhoods: Recoleta, Palermo and Nuñez are now the most expensive areas to rent in the City. If you live there (most of you do), congratulations! You’re now living like a rich person despite your average income.

• Rive Plate played against Boca Juniors again in the “second part” of that fake Superclásico that the AFA pulled out of its ass in order to make more money. River Plate lost again. The AFA won again. You lost again.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday ag-!

Ugh.

Fuck it, it’s hot.

This is what you need to know.

• 

  I chose this photo just to piss people off. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This thing with the Malvinas/Falklands has really become the stupidest bilateral dispute in years, now seemingly spinning out of control. And the worst part is that it’s not even Argentina’s fault this time, since it’s David Cameron who’s behaving like a 5-year old, warning of attacks, invasions and the imminent danger of a new war with Argentina. Uhm. Mr. Cameron, sir? You know how the Argentine Government insists on “engaging in talks” and nothing else? That’s not just because they’re polite. It’s because there is no military force in this country. None. Zero. In fact, “military” is almost a bad word here after the historical disaster and deep wound that the last military dictatorship inflicted on this country more than 30 years ago. So please stop sending nuclear submarines and making empty threats. Nobody cares.

• Also, accusing a Latin American country of “colonialism”? Dumb move, sir. At best all you can say is that it’s being a pain in the ass.

• Did you now there’s a local football club called “Nueva Chicago“? Well, I didn’t. Anyway, apparently this club has some hardcore hooligans who clashed with some other hardcore hooligans from God knows where, leaving one of the Nueva Chicago followers dead. Problem was that, when the victim’s friends heard that the alleged murderer had also been hurt and was being treated at the nearby Santojanni Hospital, they decided it was payback time and attacked the hospital en masse, terrorizing doctors, patients and personnel. They also trashed the place (here’s the footage), because that’s the macho thing to do to prove you’re badass, right? Do us all a favor and go back to watching your stupid game, you uncivilized idiots.

• Remember that cute little train that Cristina and Uruguayan president Jose Mujica inaugurated a few months ago? Remember how everyone was all “Yay, togetherness!” because it united both nations and then it started having logistical problems and was always late and stuff, but the Government said it was just a technical “contretemps” and again everyone was all “Yay, togetherness!”? Well now it’s derailed. To hell with togetherness.

• The Government has finally gone “Fuck this shit!” over idiots who ride the bus or the subway with their cell phones on boombox mode and refuse to give up their seats to pregnant woman. So they have begun an aggressive (and a little tongue-in-cheek) Facebook campaign against them. All you have to do is click share on the many images available at the SUBE card Facebook page and voila. Come on, do it. You know you want to do it. It makes you feel like you belong, no? No? Fuck you then.

• You know how you were really upset about missing David Guetta in Mar
  

  I'd say David Guetta's show was pretty for-Guetta-ble, right? Right?! Oh please, like you would have come up with a better joke. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  del Plata this week? Well, you should be happy you avoided this. Suddenly listening to “Without You” in the safety of your apartment doesn’t sound so bad does it…

• I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news first: experimental gaucho western Aballay, which includes some memorable performances as good as those seen in an elementary school play, has understandably been rejected as a serious contender in the Oscars’ Foreign Film category. Which is good. I mean, have you seen that trailer? Dear God. Find me an Argentine who talks like that, I’ll give you a lollipop.

•  Now onto the good news: Aballay may have been rejected, but the Argentine spirit lives on in “Superclasico,” a Danish film revolving around – you guessed it – a guy who comes to Buenos Aires to witness that vibrant sporting event that I don’t give a shit about. “Superclásico” is apparently a strong contender for the Oscars. And it’s got everything that makes Argentina grand: tango, football, taxis, men yelling like angry Italians and of course, armed robberies. How delightfully mischievous!

• There’s nationwide outrage and the social networks are on fire today after Pagina 12‘s cartoonist Gustavo Sala had the brilliant idea of making fun of the Holocaust and drew Jewish prisoners paling around with Hitler and dancing to the beat of “David Guetto.” There’s even a part in which Hitler says that it’s good to see them dancing because “soap feels a lot better afterwards.” So now Sala has apologized saying he was just trying to poke fun of “Jewish stereotypes” (uh?), but people are still claiming for his head on a pike.  See? And you were complaining about my “for-Guetta-ble” joke.

• The ratings of our non-favorite reality show Soñando por Bailar 2 (Dancing for a Dream 2) continue to rise as producers keep exploiting the misadventures of dangerously-insane contestant Mariano de la Canal, a chubby fiend who rose to ephemeral fame after his unhealthy obsession for current housewife and former blowjob queen (no joke) Wanda Nara was televised before millions of people. Just like that he went from creepy celebrity stalker to cute ugly-guy-in-love, and since he is a clearly disturbed individual, the powers that be found the perfect place for him: a reality show, of course! So now you have a mentally unstable – and potential serial killer-  contestant running around an isolated farm that barely gets any cell phone reception and is filled with hot girls giggling in their bikinis. Sounds more like Friday the 13th, doesn’t it. Well, when he finally grabs a machete and a hockey mask and starts offing people, I’ll let you know. For now, here’s a video of him allegedly fainting on live television after one of his many freakouts.

• Meanwhile, and even though many are wondering why it’s still on the air, Big Brother may have caught a break after this week (finally!) two people had sex. It was simple: two of the contestants who became romantically involved in the game asked the production team for a night “alone” (heh) in the small house located right next to the main house. The network, desperate for anything controversial that may help their decadent ratings reach a double digit number, said “yes please, fuck like it’s the end of the world.” And boy, they did! Wait for the 3:17 mark to go “Holy shit! They showed that on television?!” Yes. Yes they did.

• Hey! Stop being such a dramatic prude. These are two people in heat engaged in a beautiful act of love. At least the show isn’t like its Brazilian perverted cousin, Big Brother Brazil, where last week they removed one of the contestants from the house after accusations surfaced that he had raped a fellow housemate. See what I mean? It’s all about perspective.

• Some guy from Real Madrid I never heard of (he apparently goes by the ridiculous name “Pepe”), decided it would be a neat idea to stomp on the hand of sport’s wunderkind Lionel Messi. For those in the Maradonian Church, this offense is the football equivalent of drawing a cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad and then spiting on it. “Pepe” is gonna be stoned to death, is what I’m trying to say.

Have a great weekend everyone!

British oil company Rockhopper has found oil in a well north of the disputed Falklands/Malvinas Islands. The discovery, announced yesterday, led to anger in Argentina, whilst seeing Rockhopper’s shares rise 47% on London Stock Exchange. Director of the company, Samuel Moody, said: ”The samples clearly indicate that we have found a reserve of high quality.”

Argentine foreign minister Jorge Taiana called the search for oil an “illegal act that went against international law and United Nations resolutions”. He went on to state that Argentina rejects in the “most energetic way” the attempt to illegally appropriate unrenewable natural resources that are the property of the Argentine people.

Analysts estimate there could be 2 million barrels in the well.