It’s February again!

And yes, I know.

Last Friday was technically already February but it was only the first day of the month and the shit had not had time to hit the fan yet.

But it only took two days for all that bottled up anger that had been incubating inside our humanly vessels during our month-long relaxation to come out in full force, forcing us to vomit a stream of curse words along with some sighing and grunting because that’s the only way to get rid of all of the anxiety. Like Linda Blair on The Exorcist, only she was possessed by Satan.

So let’s get to it before we lose our minds in Gualeguaychu this extra-long weekend. Oh, you didn’t know? It’s Carnival weekend! The only time of the year in which it is socially acceptable in this macho culture to dance and maybe make out with a scantily clad transvestite while riding a float. OK?

This is what you need to know:

• 

  “Fuck you all.” – Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Shit just got real! If you thought President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was not going to move forward with an agreement between Argentina and Iran you were obviously wrong. In a rare move that had only been seen thrice since she took office in 2007, Cristina spoke on Cadena Nacional from  her presidential desk. No chants, no crazy fans, no sycophancy coming from a servile cabinet. Nope. Just you and her, all to yourselves. It was almost like being on a date with her. You know, like when you go on a date and this girl talks, and talks, and talks while you’re going “Hmm-hmm” and nodding off? That’s what it felt like. Proxemics also played a crucial role in her message, since she seemed to be a little too close for comfort (your comfort). Anyway, her 40-minute message was to say something she could have said in 30 seconds or less: “We are sending the agreement between Argentina and Iran to Congress so lawmakers can debate whether it should be passed or not”. See? That was easy. But no, she had to go host a full episode of the Cadena, with a preponderance of exposition, political drama, plot twists and even a short recap of past episodes. “Previously on ‘Iran So Far Away‘”…

• If you’re still wondering why Argentina is making deals with Iran then A) You suck, and B) This is why. 85 people dead.

• If you are not wondering because you already know, you are a sport and I’m proud of you.

• The Jewish community in Argentina (which is huge – HUGE! So huge that crazy conspiracy theorists love to warn about the so-called Andinia Plan from time to time) is not happy with this agreement. The AMIA and the DAIA (the two largest Jewish organizations in Argentina) have both rejected the accord, saying Iran is not to be trusted. But Cristina says that “we’re always busting the UK’s balls* about discussing the Malvinas, so if Iran wants to talk to us, we can’t refuse”.

• Oh and speaking of which… Foreign Minister and gladiator badass Héctor Timerman ultimately decided to prove that he ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts and flew to London to battle William Hague to the death in a jousting match to meet with some random people that would support the Malvinas sovereignty cause. Since he refused to a tri-party meeting with William Hague and the Malvinas islanders (hereinafter referred to as “The Others“), Timerman went on a tirade before the British press making some bold statements, which I will hilariously describe as follows (please cue the music from Lost to make them more ominous):

• “The United Kingdom has never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity to find a solution for the Malvinas”.

• “I don’t think it will take another 20 years (to take back the islands). I think that the world is going through a process of understanding more and more that this is a colonial issue, an issue of colonialism, and that the people living there were transferred to the islands”.

• “The interests of the existing islanders will be protected under Argentinian rule, including their way of life, their language and right to remain British citizens”.

• “There’s a distinction between the islanders’ interests, which could be met, and their wishes, which could not”.

• OK, that wasn’t hilarious at all. But this is: The Others weren’t very appreciative of Timerman’s “20 years” statement. So they took their rage to Twitter by assuring that “Argentina has a batter chance of having their flag on the Moon in 20 years than here in Stanley“.

• Also, here are some treacherous Argentines who decided to express their support for The Others via Twitter: this guy, this guy, this guy and this guy. The AFIP has already been notified and they are being Shanghaied as we speak.

• And speaking of tweets written in poor English, Cristina celebrated this week that the US continues it’s unilateral war against Capitalism and now has decided to sue poor old Standard & Poor‘s. Seriously, generic name much? Just add “average” and you’ve got the trifecta of depressing. Since Cristina is not very fond of credit rating agencies, she celebrated Obama’s decision by sprinkling her Spanish tweets with some English and started warning about  how these vulturian organizations have pillaged citizens all over the world. Which she, or quite possibly Google Translate, translated as “in the whole world”, totally not making any sense. Felicitations, Mrs. President!

• Meanwhile, in Palermo… Mayor Mauricio Macri was having this cabinet meeting.

• Please tell me you clicked on that. PLEASE.

• In repugnant news this week: two parents channel their inner Sherlock Holmes and discover that the child day care center they have been sending their daughter to is like the Disney World version of Guantanamo! After noticing a surprising change in her daughter’s behavior (for the worse), the parents hid an iPod with the voice recorder on in her backpack one day and dropped her off at school. The result was terrifying: physical, verbal and mental abuse for four hours straight everyday, with the teachers calling them names, force-feeding them and even soft-waterboarding them. Here’s the recording, for your listening displeasure. The place has now been closed and politicians keep blaming each other for not noticing that such an abomination had been going unnoticed for many years. Not funny.

• Enfant terrible and Deputy Economy Minister Axel Kicillof was coming back from Colonia with his family last Sunday when suddenly he realized that taking the Buquebus ferry, along with a lot of dollar-impaired middle-class families, may not have been the brightest of ideas. But alas! By the time he realized, they were already sailing half-way through the Rio de la Plata. The passengers could smell his fear, manifesting in the shape of sweat drops sliding down his long hairy sideburns. Before Kicillof had a chance to pull out his semi-automatic weapon, a horde of dollar-hungry zombies jumped on top of him, seeking retribution for his controversial economic policies. As Kicillof wielded his machete through the rotting corpses, the crew showed up with a flamethrower and grabbed his hand. They led him to sanctuary in the captain’s cabin, where he would remain until reaching port. After being rescued, Kicillof observed the orange sky, marveled by the beauty of a sunset he had looked at a thousand times, but he had never seen. The End.

• OK, no. So in reality some passengers started yelling at him and he, along with his family, was taken to the captain’s cabin so the mob wouldn’t spit on him or something. There were no zombies involved.

• Vice-President Amado Boudou was also booed while giving a speech in Santa Fe. I had this whole fictional story created to rival the one I just told about Kicillof but I guess I’m tired, so screw it.

• OUTRAGE! Those Chilean bastards are at it again! Not only they helped
  

  That’s probably the face Kicillof had when he realized he was surrounded by unfriendlies. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  The Others during the Malvinas War in 1982, but now their soldiers train by chanting xenophobic tunes that involve killing Argentines! Preposterous! Offensive! Unacceptable! The scandal prompted the Chilean authorities to immediately condemn such a disrespectful move by our kindred brothers and order an investigation. Even the local authorities urged the neighboring country to take action because singing about killing your neighbor isn’t funny. Horrible, Chileans. We are very disappointed in you!

• What’s that? A new video has surfaced, showing Argentines training in Mendoza and singing about  breaking into the Chileans’ homes and slitting their throats and drinking their blood? Well, I don’t approve of the controversial methods but you started it. So take that, Chileans!

• What’s that? The Argentine video is from six months ago and has already been deleted because it made us look like idiots since we are the ones who started the whole thing? Oh. I see. Well, you know math: -1 + 1 = 0. Which means the controversy gets cancelled. Yay! So… we’re cool, Chileans? Wanna bump fists? No? OK, we don’t need to bum fists.

• In yet additional proof that Econo-mageddon (TM) is right around the corner, the Government decided to force ask supermarkets to freeze prices for two months in order to fight a rampant inflation.  Remind me again why you stay in this country? Oh, the black market dollar currency exchange rate that is slowly turning you into precocious millionaires. That’s right.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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* Not actual quote. I totally made that up.

The deputy economy minister Axel Kicillof, today attacked Argentina’s private banks, accusing them of serving no one but themselves and urging them to increase mortgage loans.

“The private financial system does not think about the needs of the people,” he said. He encouraged the private banks to “join the national government’s decision” and boost the mortgage loan market.

“Mortgage lending is good business” Kicillof continued and stressed his desire that credit become “one of the country’s pillars of growth”.

The comments came during a speech made at the last ProCreAr lottery of the year, which was broadcast live on TV Pública. The aim of the initiative is to grant more housing credits to those who sign up for it.

“Last year the private financial system provided only 20,000 loans,” complained the minister. “With the ProCreAr programme we have granted 60,000 this year”.

“What we are doing is part of a structural change. Mortgage lending is returning to Argentina” he concluded.

It’s Friday, and it may be my last.

WE’RE AT WAR WITH SPAIN!!!!

Well, no. We’re not. But I’m a sucker for hyperbole.

There are dark clouds in the horizon, my friends. In the last few days I have had to endure many hardships, with people continuously asking me where I stand on this bilateral conflict that has Spain and Argentina at odds.

My position, of course, is that if you’re stupid enough to believe that the fate of an oil company should be the cause for two kindred nations to start hating each other, then there’s no point in arguing with you.

Still, as the violence and xenophobia against my kind continues to rise due to the President’s recent announcement, I have to warn you all that very soon I could be extraordinary renditioned to the Martín García Island and never to be heard from again for a couple of weeks.

This is what you need to know before I’m Guantanamoed:

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  Many young people on Facebook proudly supported the President's decision by replacing their embarrassing profile photo with the YPF logo, which is even more embarrassing because they are young people expressing support for an oil company. (Image/Wikipedia)

  Well, it happened. The worst case scenario finally became a reality, and it has unleashed a political shit storm of dire consequences: in a surprise press conference last Monday, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner announced her decision to expropriate YPF, Argentina’s largest oil company, from Spanish oil giant Repsol YPF, who had purchased it back in 1999 (now don’t worry, I’m not going to make it very complicated. I’m gonna dumb it down for you, in my usual fashion, so you can go to bed tonight with a smile on your face, feeling smart.)

• So basically Argentina accused Repsol YPF of not investing enough in exploration and exploitation of oil reserves in Argentina, which caused fuel imports in the country to double. Hence, the Government decided it was time to expropriate the company. Case closed.

• As the President sends the expropriation bill to Congress, the rest of the world is fuming: Spain, France, the UK, Belgium (actually the entire EU), and to a lesser extent for motives that remain uncertain, the US. Brazil and Venezuela have praised the decision, but Colombia and Bolivia have been more cautious and politely distanced themselves from this mess.

• Former President and current political pariah Carlos Menem, who masterminded Argentina’s State Reform Law (a late 80s bill that called for “smaller government” and advocated for the privatization of many state-owned companies, including YPF), has already said he will vote in favor of the expropriation in the Senate (he’s a senator now, you see. He is also like 140 years old). “I know they will criticize me heavily for this, but they should understand that times have changed since I privatized it.” Well, that is true, but the fact remains he is still responsible for one of the most infamous decades in recent Argentine history. You like Cristina’s hijinx? You would have loved this guy. After all, this is the President who back in 1995 announced that Argentina would soon have a “space flight system” that would allow Argentines to take a rocket to space so they could be in Japan in like three hours or something. No, he really did!

• Right in the epicenter of this political shit storm is the new rising star of Argentine politics: Deputy Minister Axel Kicillof. A power player so recent that he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page yet. Mr. Kicillof, as any other respectable La Cámpora member, has a huge sense of entitlement. He’s loud, he’s rude, he’s angry and he doesn’t wear a tie because he wants you to know he’s against the establishment. He also looks like he’s 25 years old even though he’s 41 (which seems to be a turn on for Argentine girls) and is a fucking brilliant orator. So the establishment, obviously horrified because he wouldn’t wear a tie, decided to target him violently. Vanity Fair Spain says he has “hypnotized Cristina” (you know, like Rasputin), and the Financial Times describes him as “a baby-faced Marxist economist with Elvis sideburns who does not appear to own a tie.” Aha! I told you the tie thing would piss them off. Such squares, these people.

• Unfortunately the whole YPF brouhaha completely overshadowed last Saturday’s meeting between US president Barack Obama and Cristina in Cartagena, Colombia during the Summit of the Americas. In said meeting, Obama reassured Cristina that no matter what kind of fuckery Argentina gets involved in, the bilateral friendship is above it all. So Cristina, apparently encouraged by Obama’s de facto license to mischief, returned to Argentina and expropriated YPF.

• The meeting also produced a photograph that sparked many comments around the web, since  it’s hard to tell what the hell is going on there. Is Obama taking her temperature? Is he checking to see if the baby is kicking? I would totally play one of those stupid “Caption the photo” contests but I really don’t feel like it.

•  By the way, remember that whole thing about the Malvinas/Falklands that we kept going back to every Friday for months before this whole thing exploded? Yeah, me neither.

• OK, so let’s say that you are a councilman in the small, uneventful Misiones town of La Candelaria (Population: really, really close to zero), and one day you decide you don’t like it when a journalist is all over your face, demanding you tell the truth about something. So the most civilized reaction to his annoying behavior is to beat the shit out of him, naturally. Wait until the 2:23 mark for hilarity to ensue.

• Oh my God! La Candelaria already has a Wikipedia page! In your face Deputy Minister Axel Kicillof! See? And people say violence never leads to anything. Tell that to the people of La Candelaria. One day no one knows you’re alive, then you kick someone’s ass and BAM! You’re on Wikipedia. Well played, people. Well played.

• And not to freak anyone out, but people are being assassinated in broad daylight in Recoleta now.

• By the way, that last comment WAS A JOKE. Please don’t start freaking out, saying that it is now “unsafe” to be walking down the streets of Buenos Aires. Initial reports suggest the victim was a Colombian citizen with ties to drug trafficking, so it seems he was gunned down by a hitman. See? Nothing to worry. Unless you are in the drug trafficking business. In that case, worry.

• Consider this to be the straw that broke the camel’s llama’s back: remember how in the last few months Salta‘s reputation as a “safe, tourist-friendly” province has been wavering due to a series of grizzly murders, rapes and attempted rapes against female visitors? Well, you can now add another female victim to the body count after authorities unearthed the body of a woman near tourist hot spot Cafayate on Thursday. What’s worse, they believe the body may belong to missing María Cash, who mysteriously disappeared in Salta last year and was never heard from again despite her family’s impressive nationwide campaign to find her. So I’m being serious now: if you’re planning on going to Salta, do not wander off alone into the wild. Or an even better idea: do not go to Salta alone.

• You know what? Fuck it, just don’t go to Salta. Period.

• If you’re wondering why last Tuesday the Obeliskwas sporting a
  

  Fun fact: Did you know that Björk's real name is actually Björk? You did? Well, I didn't. I thought it was just a made up name. You know, like Cher. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  confusing yellowish/orangish color (I know you’re not),  then don’t worry. There’s a perfect explanation for that, and it is that apparently last Tuesday was Malbec World Day (?). Sorry, City Government! But not only you fucked up big time because that color looked nothing like wine red, also it doesn’t matter what kind of stunt you pull out of your ass, nothing will be able to top December 2005 when the former administration decided to turn the Obelisk into a giant condom. They were simpler times back then.

• Are you excited about going to see Björk tomorrow night at GEBA? Well you shouldn’t, because she cancelled. Sorry!

• Also, were you aware she has been performing in Buenos Aires this whole month? Because I had no idea! Although in all honesty I really don’t care that much about her singing. All I remember about her is that song where she shooshed everyone and that time in Bangkok when she went apeshit on a reporter and beat her senseless. Just like that councilman from La Candelaria! The only difference is that Bangkok is already a relatively well-known city around the world, so beating that woman up didn’t really amount to anything.

•  Oh, football. What would I do without you? I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but you’re just too adorable for me to hate on you. Sometimes you provide so much comedic value that if you were a tangible being instead of a stupid, excruciatingly boring concept I would hold you against my chest and never let you go. Let’s take a look at what people who passionately follow the football have been doing this week, shall we?

• After a match between Boca Juniors and Club Atletico Tigre, some Tigre fans decided it would be neat to go insult all the Boca players when they were leaving the stadium on their super luxurious Boca Juniors bus. After all, Tigre had been defeated and we all know there’s nothing more cathartic than telling people you don’t like to go fuck themselves. But, alas! The Boca players took the insults personally and decided that the most rational, coherent thing to do in that conundrum was to get off the bus and start beating the shit out of everyone. The result? One of the players ended up with two broken fingers. So smart, these guys.

• No, I will not make another La Candelaria-related joke. Shut up.

• Let’s say your favorite team (in this case Racing) lost 4 to 1 in the previous match. When the time for the next game comes, how do you welcome those brave fellas who week after week leave their lives in the field just to provide you lazy, beer-drinking fucks with 90 minutes of idiotic entertainment? Well, isn’t it obvious? You douse them with a rain of crutches, of course! Because calling them “crippled” is not enough. No, you want to hit them in the head with those heavy metal poles and literally cripple them to make a point, right?

• You know what, I changed my mind again. Fuck football.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono