CFK bunker, presidential primary by CateIncBA, on Flickr

The British Media have reacted to President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner’s request for Pope Francis to mediate in the Falklands/Malvinas sovereignty dispute, with many newspapers criticising Argentina’s president.

“Shameless: Argentina president asks for Falklands help from Pope who was once her sworn enemy,” was how the Daily Mail described President’s requests. The article goes on to call her “two-faced” for having “made a fawning plea to Pope Francis over the Falklands.”

The Times stated, “Argentina presses Pope over future of Falklands” after having “officially asked” the Pope “to help launch talks with Britain on the sovereignty of the Falklands.”

The Independent was also not short of an opinion, “Despite having a patchy relationship with the former Archbishop of Buenos Aires, Cristina Kirchner said she asked for his intercession to “facilitate dialogue,” the newspaper wrote.

“Hot-headed” for asking “about the islands despite Falklanders only last week voting 99.8% in favour of staying British,” was the take of The Sun.

Senator Daniel Filmus of Frente para la Victoria (FpV) condemned the British press’ pessimistic reaction by arguing that “it is flippant to criticise the mediation request, because this is a bilateral issue and they refuse to engage in bilateral dialogue.”

It’s February again!

And yes, I know.

Last Friday was technically already February but it was only the first day of the month and the shit had not had time to hit the fan yet.

But it only took two days for all that bottled up anger that had been incubating inside our humanly vessels during our month-long relaxation to come out in full force, forcing us to vomit a stream of curse words along with some sighing and grunting because that’s the only way to get rid of all of the anxiety. Like Linda Blair on The Exorcist, only she was possessed by Satan.

So let’s get to it before we lose our minds in Gualeguaychu this extra-long weekend. Oh, you didn’t know? It’s Carnival weekend! The only time of the year in which it is socially acceptable in this macho culture to dance and maybe make out with a scantily clad transvestite while riding a float. OK?

This is what you need to know:

• 

  “Fuck you all.” – Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Shit just got real! If you thought President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was not going to move forward with an agreement between Argentina and Iran you were obviously wrong. In a rare move that had only been seen thrice since she took office in 2007, Cristina spoke on Cadena Nacional from  her presidential desk. No chants, no crazy fans, no sycophancy coming from a servile cabinet. Nope. Just you and her, all to yourselves. It was almost like being on a date with her. You know, like when you go on a date and this girl talks, and talks, and talks while you’re going “Hmm-hmm” and nodding off? That’s what it felt like. Proxemics also played a crucial role in her message, since she seemed to be a little too close for comfort (your comfort). Anyway, her 40-minute message was to say something she could have said in 30 seconds or less: “We are sending the agreement between Argentina and Iran to Congress so lawmakers can debate whether it should be passed or not”. See? That was easy. But no, she had to go host a full episode of the Cadena, with a preponderance of exposition, political drama, plot twists and even a short recap of past episodes. “Previously on ‘Iran So Far Away‘”…

• If you’re still wondering why Argentina is making deals with Iran then A) You suck, and B) This is why. 85 people dead.

• If you are not wondering because you already know, you are a sport and I’m proud of you.

• The Jewish community in Argentina (which is huge – HUGE! So huge that crazy conspiracy theorists love to warn about the so-called Andinia Plan from time to time) is not happy with this agreement. The AMIA and the DAIA (the two largest Jewish organizations in Argentina) have both rejected the accord, saying Iran is not to be trusted. But Cristina says that “we’re always busting the UK’s balls* about discussing the Malvinas, so if Iran wants to talk to us, we can’t refuse”.

• Oh and speaking of which… Foreign Minister and gladiator badass Héctor Timerman ultimately decided to prove that he ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts and flew to London to battle William Hague to the death in a jousting match to meet with some random people that would support the Malvinas sovereignty cause. Since he refused to a tri-party meeting with William Hague and the Malvinas islanders (hereinafter referred to as “The Others“), Timerman went on a tirade before the British press making some bold statements, which I will hilariously describe as follows (please cue the music from Lost to make them more ominous):

• “The United Kingdom has never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity to find a solution for the Malvinas”.

• “I don’t think it will take another 20 years (to take back the islands). I think that the world is going through a process of understanding more and more that this is a colonial issue, an issue of colonialism, and that the people living there were transferred to the islands”.

• “The interests of the existing islanders will be protected under Argentinian rule, including their way of life, their language and right to remain British citizens”.

• “There’s a distinction between the islanders’ interests, which could be met, and their wishes, which could not”.

• OK, that wasn’t hilarious at all. But this is: The Others weren’t very appreciative of Timerman’s “20 years” statement. So they took their rage to Twitter by assuring that “Argentina has a batter chance of having their flag on the Moon in 20 years than here in Stanley“.

• Also, here are some treacherous Argentines who decided to express their support for The Others via Twitter: this guy, this guy, this guy and this guy. The AFIP has already been notified and they are being Shanghaied as we speak.

• And speaking of tweets written in poor English, Cristina celebrated this week that the US continues it’s unilateral war against Capitalism and now has decided to sue poor old Standard & Poor‘s. Seriously, generic name much? Just add “average” and you’ve got the trifecta of depressing. Since Cristina is not very fond of credit rating agencies, she celebrated Obama’s decision by sprinkling her Spanish tweets with some English and started warning about  how these vulturian organizations have pillaged citizens all over the world. Which she, or quite possibly Google Translate, translated as “in the whole world”, totally not making any sense. Felicitations, Mrs. President!

• Meanwhile, in Palermo… Mayor Mauricio Macri was having this cabinet meeting.

• Please tell me you clicked on that. PLEASE.

• In repugnant news this week: two parents channel their inner Sherlock Holmes and discover that the child day care center they have been sending their daughter to is like the Disney World version of Guantanamo! After noticing a surprising change in her daughter’s behavior (for the worse), the parents hid an iPod with the voice recorder on in her backpack one day and dropped her off at school. The result was terrifying: physical, verbal and mental abuse for four hours straight everyday, with the teachers calling them names, force-feeding them and even soft-waterboarding them. Here’s the recording, for your listening displeasure. The place has now been closed and politicians keep blaming each other for not noticing that such an abomination had been going unnoticed for many years. Not funny.

• Enfant terrible and Deputy Economy Minister Axel Kicillof was coming back from Colonia with his family last Sunday when suddenly he realized that taking the Buquebus ferry, along with a lot of dollar-impaired middle-class families, may not have been the brightest of ideas. But alas! By the time he realized, they were already sailing half-way through the Rio de la Plata. The passengers could smell his fear, manifesting in the shape of sweat drops sliding down his long hairy sideburns. Before Kicillof had a chance to pull out his semi-automatic weapon, a horde of dollar-hungry zombies jumped on top of him, seeking retribution for his controversial economic policies. As Kicillof wielded his machete through the rotting corpses, the crew showed up with a flamethrower and grabbed his hand. They led him to sanctuary in the captain’s cabin, where he would remain until reaching port. After being rescued, Kicillof observed the orange sky, marveled by the beauty of a sunset he had looked at a thousand times, but he had never seen. The End.

• OK, no. So in reality some passengers started yelling at him and he, along with his family, was taken to the captain’s cabin so the mob wouldn’t spit on him or something. There were no zombies involved.

• Vice-President Amado Boudou was also booed while giving a speech in Santa Fe. I had this whole fictional story created to rival the one I just told about Kicillof but I guess I’m tired, so screw it.

• OUTRAGE! Those Chilean bastards are at it again! Not only they helped
  

  That’s probably the face Kicillof had when he realized he was surrounded by unfriendlies. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  The Others during the Malvinas War in 1982, but now their soldiers train by chanting xenophobic tunes that involve killing Argentines! Preposterous! Offensive! Unacceptable! The scandal prompted the Chilean authorities to immediately condemn such a disrespectful move by our kindred brothers and order an investigation. Even the local authorities urged the neighboring country to take action because singing about killing your neighbor isn’t funny. Horrible, Chileans. We are very disappointed in you!

• What’s that? A new video has surfaced, showing Argentines training in Mendoza and singing about  breaking into the Chileans’ homes and slitting their throats and drinking their blood? Well, I don’t approve of the controversial methods but you started it. So take that, Chileans!

• What’s that? The Argentine video is from six months ago and has already been deleted because it made us look like idiots since we are the ones who started the whole thing? Oh. I see. Well, you know math: -1 + 1 = 0. Which means the controversy gets cancelled. Yay! So… we’re cool, Chileans? Wanna bump fists? No? OK, we don’t need to bum fists.

• In yet additional proof that Econo-mageddon (TM) is right around the corner, the Government decided to force ask supermarkets to freeze prices for two months in order to fight a rampant inflation.  Remind me again why you stay in this country? Oh, the black market dollar currency exchange rate that is slowly turning you into precocious millionaires. That’s right.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

* Not actual quote. I totally made that up.

It’s Friday again!

And aren’t you happy that while yesterday we were melting under the scorching maladies of our pagan god, the sun, today we left our homes wearing only a t-shirt and ended up freezing our asses off?

Ah, the many mood swings of Mother Nature, influenced by her shady boyfriend, Climate Change. You think this is bad? Wait until February. Then you’ll really regret moving to this country.

Anyway, this whole intro has been small talk about the weather. It’s like being stuck with me in a really long elevator ride, isn’t it? I guess there’s nothing left to talk about between us.

Sad when a relationship reaches that point, isn’t it?

Please like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook so you can keep up with out updates. Are you done?

No, seriously, go do it. I’ll wait right here.

…

Done?

Alright, this is what you need to know:

• 

  The ARA Santísima Trinidad officially stole the ARA Libertad's thunder this week. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  We begin with the first journalism fuck up of 2013 (well, at least the first big, big, journalism fuck up) which involves Spanish newspaper El País and an infamous non-photo of an ailing non-Hugo Chávez on the operating table. As we all know, Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez is battling cancer in Cuba (and if you didn’t know, put down the Xbox and grab a newspaper, you douche). His treatment and current condition has been mostly kept under wraps with all sorts of rumors flooding the Twittersphere. Is he dead? Is he alive? Is he un-dead? Are we all dead, like in Lost? So considering how much relevance and influence El País has on a global scale (think of it as the New York Times of the Spanish language), the world responded with rightful indignation at a front page splashed with a giant photo of some Chávez-looking dude being intubated. The never-resting internet elves, who I don’t know how but always manage to find everything on the web, soon realized the low-res photo was a screen capture from some random 2008 You Tube video and all hell broke loose. A new nail on the coffin of journalism, which by now already has like a million nails on it and has been buried six feet under since 2000.

• “What does this have to do with Argentina, man? Get to the point or something!“, you say? Well, first of all calm the fuck down. And second, everything has to do with Argentina and you should know that by now. After many around the world expressed complete disgust at the cheap stunt (and let’s face it, it was a cheap stunt with no journalistic value whatsoever) El País apologized profusely (for using a fake photo, not for their vulture-like demeanor). But this wasn’t enough to discourage President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner from castigating journalism (its mortal enemy, according to those National Geographic documentaries). “The despicable press. I cannot think of another adjective. It is the same everywhere; El País in Madrid, The Sun in Murdoch’s London embroiled in corruption schemes with Cameron’s government and who knows what else. Which editor authorised the publication? Will they speak about freedom of the press?“, she tweeted. Not really sure what “freedom of the press” is supposed to mean, but then again, she has a very peculiar idea of how the press is supposed to work. Here, let me show you (cue the elevator music):

• Good press: President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is awesome.

• Bad press: The President is human so sometimes she can make a mistake.

• Good press: Imperialism and dictatorships are still lurking around the corner, and if you elect anyone but Cristina into office, they will come back and enslave you forever. Also probably rape your parents.

• Bad press: There’s no chance for a military coup in this country.

• Good press: There is no inflation.

• Bad press: Shut up, there totally is.

• Good press: LAS MALVINAS SON ARGENTINAS!!! FUCK YEAH!!

• Bad press: We agree, but let’s leave dumb nationalism aside and try to solve this like adults.

• Good press: You shut up, bad press.

• Bad press: I wasn’t aware this was a dialogue. I thought this was more of a set of bullet points specifically designed to provide contrast between what the government thinks is good press and bad press.

• Good press: And that’s exactly why you’re Bad Press. Moving on.

• Good press: Argentina began its existence in 2003. Everything before that is lies, lies, lies.

• Bad press: Whatever.

• Good press: The press sucks, unless it praises the Fernández de Kirchner administration. In that case, it still sucks, but it sucks less.

• Bad press: The press doesn’t suck. There are good and bad practices of journalism. And comparing a stupid photo stunt to the UK’s hacking scandal, and bringing in the concept of freedom of the press just to make it sound more of an epic battle proves that you’re also trying to manipulate public opinion and that you definitely, absolutely, positively have no idea of what the press is supposed to be like.

• Cristina made her stellar reappearance on TV today after her “Sex & The City 2/Rambo 2″ presidential tour (she even went down the Cu Chi tunnels and everything! Have fun with this photo, and this one, and this one, and this one), and addressed inflation concerns. In a nutshell? It’s the store owners who are to blame for skyrocketing prices. There’s no such thing as “inflation”. See? Good press was right.

• Great news, everyone! After interminable months of oppressive import restrictions that kept us from buying essential products such as this, supreme overlord of the netherworld Domestic Trade Secretary Guillermo Moreno decided that it was time to lift some of the import restrictions tragically imposed on society last year. So additional import permits are no longer required for: paper, home appliances, toys, shoe wear, motorbikes, bike tires, balls, textile products, diverse manufacturing (is that like, a real category? Sounds so broad…) metal parts, auto parts, vehicles, etc.

• I know, still no banana guard. Life sucks.

• Oh, and speaking of Guillermo Moreno (AKA, the Hannibal Lecter of Argentine politics), he also said he believes the official dollar exchange rate will reach $6 pesos in December.  Are you an expat getting paid in dollars? This is you. Are you an Argentine getting paid in pesos? This is you. Are you an Argentine studying abroad whose college fees are being paid by your Argentine hard-working parents? This is you.

• This week, on PPP (Predictable Plot-twists in Politics), City Mayor Mauricio Macri announced to the surprise of no one that he intends to run for president in 2015.

• Remember how we all flocked to Mar del Plata two weeks ago to celebrate the arrival of our dear Frigate Libertad, which was retained in Ghana for three months for reasons you probably already forgot? Remember, hmm? Well, you better feel bad about this, because not too far from where you were waving your little Argentine flags, the Santísima Trinidad warship was crying alone because no one gave a damn about her. Decommissioned and stripped down for spare parts in 2004, the proud warship, who saw battle in 1982 during the invasion of the Malvinas/Falklands, couldn’t take such fate and in a final call for attention decided to commit suicide by capsizing in Puerto Madero Puerto Belgrano.

• But let’s not rush to conclusions here, because Defense Minister Arturo Puricelli decided to confirm that the vessel had sunk as a result of sabotage, because that was better than admitting that it just sunk because no one gave a shit about it.

• So who are the culprits in this barbaric act of cowardice? Besides Clarín, that is. Is it a rogue military group from the Malvinas/Falklands, trying to vindicate history? Is it everyone who didn’t vote for Cristina? Or was it Mother Nature, that relentless bitch, who told the sea to eat away the ship’s hull until engulfing it in a wave of darkness and oblivion? (Yes, that would count as sabotage too, shut up).

• Those of you who have been privy to superhero movies lately may have
  

  Wikipedia has no photos of Menganno so I can't legally post one here. Here's Captain America. They kinda look alike, except for the fact that they look nothing like each other. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  noticed a tendency to humanize them. To show the psychological residues that constantly burden a tormented mind under a latex mask. Batman, Superman, Spider-man, Hulk, they have all returned to the big screen in the embodiment of an anti-hero who leads a life of loneliness because society doesn’t understand that they are not spandex-wearing weirdos with daddy issues. And while in real life the US has Phoenix Jones, Argentina has Menganno. A superhero of sorts, Menganno patrols the streets of Lanús, in the Greater Buenos Aires area and has become a friend of the children and grandmas looking to cross the street. Menganno proudly assures his only weapons are a police baton and some pepper spray because he doesn’t believe in using firearms. So sweet and naive, this guy. Life was swell for Menganno and his wife, until this week some arch-villains (aka car robbers) decided to ambush him while he was parking outside of his house. Menganno resolved he wasn’t going to take any of that funny business and after careful deliberation chose to put his no-weapon philosophy on hold and shoot the robbers 14 fucking times with the assault weapon he was carrying in his glove compartment. After the police and the media showed up, Menganno admitted shame in using a gun to scare off the robbers and then cried as he confessed he was “fearful” they would seek revenge, which for a superhero is kind of lame. But his plight didn’t end there, since as it turns out his gun permit was expired and he was not allowed to carry his weapon. He is now under investigation for illegal possession of firearms and could go to jail anytime soon. The robbers, in the meantime, are planning their next move to take over the world via some contrived scheme of ridiculous, yet effective, proportions. An excellent metaphor for the times we’re living in, people. Being the villain always pays.

• Not to freak you out or anything, but the local version of Dancing With The Stars is returning and according to the mastermind behind it, “it will feature politicians”. This means that impersonators of popular politicians like Cristina or Macri will be whoring it out on screen, dancing to the tunes of Gangnam Style. That’s OK, it’s happened before and it’s as bad, unwatchable and cringe-inducing as you imagine.

It’s 2013 Friday again!

Happy new year, by the way, and I hope you missed me these last two weeks, even though I’m sure right now you’re going “There was no Weekly News Roundup for two weeks? Huh. I guess I didn’t notice.”

Well, I don’t care. I didn’t miss you either. I spent the first week of the year doing absolutely nothing, sitting on the beach re-reading The Catcher in the Rye and giggling like an idiot at the Grumpy Cat, the best internet phenomenon to slap the world in the face since “All your bases are belong to us“.

But enough talking about you and your uneventful Punta del Este / home-for-the-holidays anecdotes. Admit it: you’re glad you’re back in Argentina. You missed it like crazy. You missed its chaos, you missed its people, you missed its intoxicating deliriums of grandeur.

And most of all, you missed the sheer ridiculousness of our 24 hours news cycle.

Unless you never left, of course.

In a nutshell, this is what happened in the last two weeks (use this soundtrack for a more sensorial experience).

• 2012 was replaced by 2013, which I’m sure you already knew.

• The Subte fare is going up to $3.50. Yes, $3.50. Deal with it.

• Our beloved Frigate Libertad returned home and we all cried tears of joy at the sight of those proud sailors and the street vendors’ blatant displays of cheap nationalism.

• Lionel Messi got his fourth Ballon D’Or. I didn’t even know he had one. Actually, I didn’t even know what a Ballon D’Or was.

• British tabloid “The Sun” ran a full-page ad on the Buenos Aires Herald telling Argentines to keep their hands off the Malvinas/Falklands. No one cared.

• The YouTube gods reignited the population’s obsession with catfights.

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is touring South East Asia and must do so in a rental plane instead of the official presidential plane because she’s afraid the vulture funds are going to impound it. No, really.

• The Qom indigenous community are this close to becoming an endangered species but we still care more about who’s going to be a judge on this season’s Dancing with the Stars.

• The Subte A Line will remain closed until March and those nostalgia-inducing death traps that we used to ride from time to time will be dismantled and used for asado wood. I mean… “libraries.”

• If you are in Punta del Este, chances are you are being robbed right now. Seriously, check your wallet.

• Cristina got into a very, very public fight with über-Argentine and heartthrob actor Ricardo Darín after he casually dropped in an interview that he wanted to know how she made her fortune. She replied with a passive-aggressive open letter via Twitter and Facebook, and engaged in an ad hominem discussion about how she loves his movies and how he was once accused of illegally importing a car to the country. Remember that Mr. Darín, hmm?

• Moral of the story: don’t fuck with the president, loser. She’s like, the female version of Vladimir Putin. You just don’t fuck with her and expect to get away with it. Ever.

• By the way, regarding that link to “ad hominem“? You’re welcome.

OK. Now that you’re up to speed, welcome back. You can stop the music.

This is what you need to know, although bear in mind it’s January, which is a slow news month:

• 

  Mar del Plata continues to allure millions of tourists every year for some reason. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  We begin with what will surely be the story of the week, since it’s on the cover of every newspaper in this country today. Remember last year when President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner unveiled those evil-looking dolls that were supposed to represent the League of Extraordinary Bolivarian Liberators but in fact resembled a voodoo doll from a scene of A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master? Well step aside, horrible creatures of the underworld! Because there’s a new winner in this twisted Toy Story-esque universe. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new and improved Cristina doll (widow dress and presidential sash included in the set!). Now, before you start going “WTF is that thing?” let me just clarify that it’s a gift from the Argentine Toy Industry Chamber which has had huge returns this year because of import restrictions (fuck Monopoly, play El Estanciero and shut up). Alright, now that we got that out of the way, let’s move on to less relevant things, like rampant inflation.

• INFLATION! That terrifying, frumpish concept that keeps us guessing every month and keeps bringing us closer and closer to considering prostitution as a way to make ends meet. As we’ve become accustomed in the last few years, there is great disparity between the official inflation rate index and the one disclosed by independent economists. This year was not different, with the INDEC citing a 10.8% for 2012, and private consulting estimates placing it just over 25%. Congratulations Argentina! You have now surpassed Venezuela to become the country with the highest inflation rate in Latin America. As a reward, hacktivist group Anonymous decided to hack the INDEC’s website to denounce its lies. Ha! Kids.

• DOLLAR BLUE! That angelical way of calling the black market exchange rate of the US dollar in the dark alleys of mysterious Buenos Aires. That dewy sweet deal you procure to seal by getting rid of all your dollars once you return to Argentina from wherever the hell you come from. Yes, kids. The “dollar blue” exchange rate has reached $7.47 pesos today, which is almost 50% more than the official exchange rate, currently at $4.96. So you know… when you’re back, gimme a call so I know how you’re doing and we’ll meet for coffee. Oh, and bring your dollars for no particular reason.

• Remember the IMF? It’s back! Although not in pog form. No, this time it’s very real and as they prepare to meet on February 1st to discuss what to do with our rogue nation and its elusive ways, we better brace ourselves for what will surely be another harmless statement saying that if Argentina doesn’t change its strategy, the organization will have no choice but to warn us again.

• And if you didn’t get that “pog form” reference, A) You never watched The Simpsons and B) You suck.

• While visiting the UAE as part of her “Sex and The City 2” presidential tour, Cristina signed a series of bilateral agreements with the Emirati president Khalifa bin Al Nahayan. Then she met with “the girls” for a couple of appletinis and later met with downfallen football start Diego Maradona – currently an Obi-Wan Kenobi-esque cave dweller in the Abu Dhabi desert after being banished from Argentina –  who regaled her with the crassest flower bouquet humanity has ever witnessed. He also expressed his strong support for her administration, which is like, super easy to do when you’re living in a different country and getting paid in dollars. But stop judging you guys! In fact Diego has always strongly supported whoever was in power, even former president Carlos Menem and his Economy Minister Lex Luthor, both of them architects of the economic measures in the 90s that resulted in a mess that the Kirchners tried to clean up in the 00s. Don’t believe me? Here’s a photo of Maradona…ahem… “resting” during a press conference and wearing a t-shirt that reads “Thank you Mingo”, in reference to Mr. Luthor himself. That’s like praising Obama’s anti-war stance after wearing a “Thank you Cheney” t-shirt.  The Internet NEVER forgets, Maradona.

• Re: the flower bouquet… noticed the footballs on top? Oh Diego. Never change.

• The National Government has announced that it intends to enact a federal plan to slowly replace and repair the national railway network.

• Oh and conveniently, this happened today. So stay away from all trains until things are working at least by North Korean standards.  I mean, nothing to worry about. Just a passenger train that went off the rails but no one died, which means no biggie.

• And not to freak you out or anything, but a plane from Aerolíneas Argentinas “grazed” another from Air France while it was taxiing at the Miami International Airport yesterday.

• Oh, like you never dented another car while parking. Shut up. Look at it, it’s not so bad.

• Remember when three years ago everyone was crazy about the Dakar Rally because it launched from Buenos Aires, and everyone was like “Oh my God I’ve been following this forever!“, and everyone was like, yelling at the screens and everything, and waving Argentine flags when what’s his face won the quad bike races and all that? Remember how Cristina wore a pink helmet and rode the quad bike and stuff to celebrate? Remember how then the organization behind the rally decided to expand it to other countries and local people were like “Woa…” and then Argentina just became a “passing through” country and everyone was like “meh“? Yeah, well. That’s now. No one cares about it.

• This week Argentina was disqualified from the FIFA U-20 World Cup (whatever that means) and now everyone is sad. Pity. *cough*

• Also, for reasons that I fail to compute because I truly dislike football,
  

  Don't give me any of that "friendly" crap. You either kill or get killed. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  there’s a Superclasico coming to Mar del Plata this Saturday which, what do you know, happens to coincide with the busiest season.  Now, I understand that you like the circus. I understand that you don’t care about paying money for a spectacle that we all know is merely put up to exploit your blind fanaticism and rake in the big bucks. But why the bout of euphoria? Seriously. No matter who wins or loses, the result is exactly the same. It’s a friendly superclásico (I know, oxymoron much?), which means there’s no motivation to win beyond the satisfaction of mocking your rivals to the point of killing a couple hooligans outside the stadium but that’s it. It’s WrestleMania with a ball. It’s a gladiator fight in which both contenders survive. And I don’t know about you, but if I lived in ancient Rome I would have liked none of that sissy shit. Either you stab him in the neck or he stabs you but one of you has to die. If not, I want my gold coins back.

• And since we’re talking Superclásico: dear staff working at the US Embassy in Buenos Aires: I know you read me (oh yes, I know) and you know I love you. I really do. But you see, I hate football. So please let’s make sure THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN. In fact, let’s just pretend it never happened. Let’s just pretend that you decided to go with a lame reenactment of Gangnam Style, like this high school did. Sure, the Spartan name will live in infamy forever, a cheap tin plaque with its name on it hanging and gathering dust and cobwebs in the hall of eternal shame. But I’ll take that to football. So seriously. Never again.

• Did you click on that link to the high school video? Eerie, isn’t it? Hypnotic. Like you can’t stop looking at it even though your face feels like going through that rapid-aging process that kills the bad guy at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Argentine President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner has planned to visit her Venezuelan counterpart Hugo Chávez in Havana this week.

Hugo Chávez is recovering from an operation related to his cancer struggle in Cuba and will miss his scheduled inauguration in Caracas on 10th January.

Oscar Parrilli, secretary general of the presidency, confirmed that Fernández would make a stop in Cuba at the start of her world tour in which she will be visiting United Arab Emirates, Indonesia and Vietnam.

Página 12 has quoted a government source as saying that “the trip [to Cuba] is being managed very carefully and is a private trip”. Fernández and Chávez have been long-time political allies and share a close personal relationship. According to the same source the Argentine president would only remain in the Caribbean country for 30 hours before starting her official trip.

Hugo Chávez with President Fernández's late husband Nestór Kirchner (Wikimedia Commons)

According to La Nación, the Argentine government received a message asking Fernández to postpone her visit to Cuba but the president insisted she wanted to visit, at least to support Chávez’s family.

La Nación also published that last Thursday Fernández had sent Ricardo Follonier, an aide to the late President Néstor Kirchner and close to the Venezuelan government, to Cuba to express the Argentine government’s support.

Hundreds of Chávez supporters marched yesterday in Buenos Aires in support of the Venezuelan president. The supporters, many members of social movements and political parties, marched to the Venezuelan embassy to deliver a letter of support and solidarity.

“The Argentine people thank you and promise that we will stand firm in following your teachings, defending our achievements, and continue fighting for what still needs to be done,” the letter read.

British tabloid The Sun today published an open letter in Argentine English-language newspaper The Buenos Aires Herald in response to President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner’s request for dialogue with British Prime Minister David Cameron regarding the sovereignty of the Falklands/Malvinas Islands.

Fernández’s letter, published yesterday in UK dailies The Guardian and The Independent, highlighted the 180th anniversary of the landing of British naval forces on the islands and called for the British government to “put an end to colonialism”.

The letter, addressed to Cameron, drew criticism from British media and prompted the British Foreign Office to respond, via Twitter, that Argentina must respect the islanders’ right to political self-determination.

“The people of the Falklands are British and have chosen to be so”, a Foreign Office spokesperson tweeted. “There can be no negotiations on the sovereignty of the Falklands Islands unless and until such time as the Islanders so wish”.

A referendum is due to be held in March regarding the Falklands/Malvinas status as a British Overseas Territory.

The Sun’s letter, published in both English and Spanish on page 5 of The Buenos Aires Herald, begins “Thirty one years ago this year, Argentina invaded the Falkland Islands, with the loss of 255 British service personnel, 649 Argentinian (sic) troops and three civilian Falklanders”.

It continues, “This action was in direct conflict with the United Nation’s charter’s principle of self-determination in which the people of the Falkland Islands are British and have chosen to be so”.

Much of The Sun’s letter, as well as criticism from other media outlets, takes issue with Fernández’s wording and interpretation of the events of 1833. The Argentine line of thinking affirms that its settlers and governor were forcibly removed from the islands by the invading British Royal Navy, and that the islands constitute an integral part of the nation’s sovereign territory.

The UK affirms that British territorial claims to the islands date back earlier than the South American nations’.

“British sovereignty over the Falkland Islands dates back to 1765 – before the Republic of Argentina even existed”, The Sun states. “The islands have never been governed by or formed part of the sovereign territory of the Republic of Argentina”.

The letter concludes with the firm warning “Hands off!” The Sun drew criticism during the 1982 Falklands/Malvinas war for its sensationalist headline “Gotcha”, at the sinking of Argentine light cruiser ARA General Belgrano, in which 323 Argentine sailors were killed.

At the time of writing, President Fernández has not responded publicly to the letter.

An open letter from President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner to British Prime Minister David Cameron printed today in The Guardian once again invited the British government to open a dialogue regarding the sovereignty of the contested Falklands/Malvinas Islands. The letter, which appeared as an advertisement in the International section, was reprinted in various British and Argentine newspapers.

The publication of the letter was timed to coincide with the 180th anniversary of the landing on the islands by the British Royal Navy. Addressed to Prime Minister Cameron, it begins “One hundred and eighty years ago on this same date, January 3rd, in a blatant exercise of 19th-century colonialism, Argentina was forcibly stripped of the Malvinas Islands, which are situated 14,000km (8,700 miles) away from London.”

It continues “Since then, Britain, the colonial power, has refused to return the territories to the Argentine Republic, thus preventing it from restoring its territorial integrity.” Fernández then asks the British government to respect the 1965 United Nations General Assembly resolution which calls for a diplomatic resolution to the issue.

“In the name of the Argentine people, I reiterate our invitation for us to abide by the resolutions of the United Nations”, the letter concludes.

The British Foreign Office was quick to respond via Twitter, stating “There are three parties to this debate, not just two as Argentina likes to pretend. The Islanders can’t just be written out of history”. They continue, “The people of the Falklands are British and have chosen to be so.”

Spokespeople from the Falklands/Malvinas have formerly stated that they do not consider themselves a colony, but rather a willing member of the United Kingdom. A referendum will be held on the islands in March to decide whether the inhabitants wish to continue being a British territory, or change their status.

British media have been quick to criticise the content of the letter, accusing President Fernández of historical inaccuracies regarding Argentina’s claim to the Islands and the Argentine presence there in 1833 at the time of the British occupation.

In a column that published in The Telegraph, Nile Gardiner, a former advisor to former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, described the letter as “a pathetic act of desperation that simply underlines the futility of the cause”.

Meanwhile, in Buenos Aires, the National Commission of ex-Combatants of the Malvinas will deliver their own letter to the British Embassy today, with the support of the Madres and Abuelas of the Plaza de Mayo, expressing their “concern before the fact that Great Britain does not respect the UN’s resolutions”.

Ernesto Alonso, head of the Commission, told Página/12 “We have always felt that it was a mistake on the part of the dictatorship to take back the islands militarily, it was a decision that placed the islands even further out of our grasp. Latin America is a peaceful region and all we are asking for is dialogue.”

It’s Friday again!

And it’s December 28th, which means that today is the Día de los Inocentes, or “Holy Innocent’s Day“, the Spanish-speaking version of Aprils Fools’. So there, go prank someone.

It’s been a slow week. The end of the year is upon us and politicians are lazy. Actually everyone is lazy because it’s insanely hot outside, so the mere act of breathing makes your pores  secrete tears of sweat.

I’ve tried hard to find what to talk about since President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is not down to her usual antics and everyone else is completely checked out. In fact, I’m completely checked out. Just visit our Facebook page and click like so you can keep up with future updates.

I know I’m supposed to be writing shtick and all that but my mind is on the beach right now, sorry.

This is what you need to No, wait! I forgot to say: No Weekly News Roundup next Friday because I’m on vacation. Get it? OK. Now yes.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Winner the polar bear (OK, it's not Winner. It's some random polar bear from Wikipedia. But whatever, they all look the same). (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Infinite sadness! In some twisted turn of fate (either that or Santa Claus has a dark sense of humor), everyone’s favorite polar bear, our beloved Winner, passed away on Christmas morning at the Palermo Zoo as a result of the high temperatures and the loud fireworks that lit up the sky the night before. An entire nation mourned the poor animal (despite the fact that most people only found out of his existence after he died) and took to social networks to express outrage against pretty much everyone who didn’t look after Winner, ignoring the fact that he died BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING FIREWORKS that everyone was lighting up the night before. Or that the poor animal was locked up in a zoo dealing with the intense City heat (and don’t give me that “But he was born in captivity!” crap, tell that to yourself if it makes you feel any better). Anyway, the bear is dead. Winner, we hardly knew ye. Literally.

• In case you were wondering (you weren’t), the Media Law still has not been enforced because the kerfuffle between the League of Doom, also known as Grupo Clarín, and the League of Infinite Victimization (the National Government) continue to butt heads over it. Now, in all honesty I’m 90% sure I’ve lost you already. You’re wondering what the next bullet point is going to be about because you’re not really into this whole “Clarin vs. Government” thing. Some of you don’t even know who Clarín is! So here’s a link to the latest developments that I’m sure you won’t read. You’re welcome. Moving on.

• Speaking of the the insanely high temperatures last Monday: remember how you called your parents on Skype to [Whatever country you come from] to tell them of the ridiculously insane temperatures we were experiencing? Remember how you panted, like a feral dog lying on the curb, while staring at a TV screen that read that the windchill factor had reached 50°C (122°F)? Remember how we all took to Facebook to post jokes about melting, global warming, hell, demons and the sun? Turns out we were all wrong because the weather station measuring the windchill factor was apparently faulty. It was only 43°C! So there, now you’re all drama queens who just can’t take a little heat, and in addition this provides climate change deniers with the ultimate evidence to prove that global warming doesn’t exist and it’s just a conspiracy involving 99.9% of the scientists around the world.

• Oh, and the polar bear is still dead.

• Have you ever taken the Subte A Line? I’m sure you have. It’s the one with the cars that look like this. Ah, you see? I knew it.  It’s also the one with the cars that are falling apart. So the City Government has announced that starting next month they are shutting down all A Line stations for maybe up to 60 days so they can replace them with some new cars (“new” as in “discarded by China after using them for three decades”). “And what about the 160,000 commuters that use the service everyday?”, you say? Well, chances are most of you don’t ever use that line so we shouldn’t care about them. But if you do, you’re fucked.

• Fortunately now that we’re done with the whole “Argentina vs. Ghana” thing, we can go back to the regular “Argentina vs. England” thing. I mean, doesn’t it strike you as suspicious that when Argentina was engaging in a bilateral catfight with the African nation we didn’t even hear about the Malvinas/Falklands? Whatever the case may be, a new series of declassified British documents are reopening the wounds of the past and offering new information as to what the hell happened back in 1982. The most “revealing” part is how the Iron Lady herself, Margaret Thatcher, said she thought the Argentine invasion of the island was stupid. Which is like the Vatican declassifying early biblical documents that say that Pontius Pilate was an apathetic creep. In any case you go: “Yeah. So?”.

• OK, seriously. This isn’t funny anymore. In fact, it’s starting to freak me out. I’ve told you many times that Salta is the unwanted spawn resulted from a one night stand between The Twilight Zone and The X-Files. But now it’s taken a turn for the worse. Now we’re talking about Hostel shit going on up there. Because as it turns out, killing/kidnapping/robbing unaware tourists is so 2012. That’s for amateurs and copycats! 2013 is now all about anonymously hanging human skeletons from utility poles and leaving them there to creep out an entire town. Still want to go there? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

• Oh, wait! Wait! It appears the Scooby gang has cracked the case in Salta! Phew! Looks like it was just some kids playing a prank. Haha. Silly kids! That was quite a scare! It’s all good, guys. Those mischievous rascals explained that they found the (real) skeleton in a yard and put it up there as a joke. Yeah, a real skeleton.  Case closed.

• Oh, come on. You don’t expect to get all the answers, do you? The X-Files always left some stuff unanswered as a tease, so consider this to be the same. Or like a cartoon in the 80s. Police and children make a joke, laugh in unison, closing music plays, freeze frame, end credits. You know how it is.

• Hi, there. Can I interest you in some footage from Madonna‘s awesome concert in Córdoba last weekend? No? That’s OK, I understand. You probably already saw it here in Buenos Aires. Or you probably don’t care, which is also OK. But wait! What if the footage I offered included a power outage in the middle of a song, lots of backup singers suddenly dancing like idiots because there’s no music, a flabbergasted Madonna, like a deer caught in the headlights and thousands of awesome fans ready to keep the party going at all cost? Ha! Do I have your attention now? Here you go then, enjoy.

• In all fairness to the great people of Córdoba, it appears the electrical problem came from Madonna’s side.

• Well, it was bound to happen. I know most of you do not know who
  

  The irony is Peña's sex tape is actually less blurry than this photo from Wikipedia. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  actress Florencia Peña is, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t asking for a sex tape. Now, just so you know, despite her Kardashianite looks, Peña is an A-list celebrity here. She’s not one of those sluts-du-jour who keep strutting their stuff on Dancing With The Stars in order to achieve their lifelong dream of marrying a football player and becoming a desperate housewife. So when the word got out that a sex tape was about to be leaked online, many libidinous perverts began rubbing their hands before the dim light of their computer screens. And on Thursday morning, it was all over. The video was leaked and it went viral, ruining Peña’s reputation as a voluptuous femme fatale and turning her life into a never-ending cycle of grief and mortification. But this post is not about the sex tape (which I cannot post here because I don’t want the Independent to get sued, sorry to disappoint). No, this is more about the reprehensible (yet absolutely hilarious) way that the internet covered it. For example. Take a look at this site, the very respectable Agencia NOVA, covering information from the Buenos Aires province. Looks classy right? OK, not classy but average, right? (WARNING: EXTREMELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK) Now this is how it  covered the Peña affair.

• Then there was the case of El Sensacional, Argentina’s sad excuse for yellow journalism and celebrated creator of Pulitzer-winning headlines such as “Tallest teenager in the world finds tit-sucker, falls in love“, who uploaded the entire video and was later forced to take it down and come up with the laziest, half-assed non-apology in the history of non-apologies.

• And yes, I know that this is a macho culture that glorifies a guy having sex but dilapidates a woman having sex, condemning her to eternal damnation. So note to the girls who get offended by these posts and write me angry email:  Don’t yell at me for it. Blame the Spanish/Italian heritage.

• In fact, I changed my mind: if you want to watch the video, here it is.

• Ha! I can’t believe you fell for that! Feliz día de los inocentes, bitch.

• Yeah, I know. It was a lame joke. But you know what’s worse? The fact that for a second you were glad I had decided to post a link to the video. So there. You’re a lot worse than I am.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

It’s Friday again!

And we’ve had a crazy week, what with all- ah, fuck it.

Seriously, what’s the point? The world is ending today, according to the Mayans*, so let’s just all crawl under a desk, cry and read the Weekly News Roundup before dying a horrible, horrible death.

I would say: “Go like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook“, but since this is probably the last column EVER, don’t.

This is what you don’t really need to know because there’s just no point, but I’m telling you anyway because the world may be ending but I still put a lot of work hours into it:

• 

  This is an Aztec calendar. It's not a fucking Mayan calendar, so stop posting it on Facebook. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  It may be December 21st, 2012, but it sure feels like December 21st, 2001. Back when you were still in kindergarten and Palermo Hollywood was just known as Palermo, Argentina was going through a tough time. There was widespread looting, violent protests and cacerolazos all over the country, as the population was facing the worst economic crisis in its history. So yesterday, on the 11th anniversary of the protests that left more than 30 people dead (and considering the end is nigh), many thought that it would be interesting to honor those who perished by looting supermarkets all over the country. The first looting activities began in Bariloche, because, what’s more terrifying than a touristy, peaceful mountain town. In there, hungry citizens bravely broke into the belly of the capitalism beast and with the strength of their spirits managed to steal a bunch of flat screen TV’s that they would use to feed their children. Somehow.

• In order to sever the head of this new trend before it spread to neighboring nations (and despite the fact that the end is nigh), Cabinet Chief Juan Manuel Abal Medina announced the deployment of 400 Border Patrol officials, in order to help the Bariloche police which had been clearly overrun by the murderous, blood-thirsty looters. Of course, it could also be the fact that the police was trying to apply the Bart Simpson strategy to stop the looting and use slingshots (not a joke), but no, let’s just pretend that they were facing a gang of ninja looters and were overrun by them.

• No, but seriously. Slingshots.

• Since the slingshots (seriously) failed to contain this growing, dangerous modus operandi, the looting began to spread, causing two deaths and became living proof that the end is nigh. Soon reports of people attacking supermarkets were being registered all over the country. And I mean, obviously! If no police force managed to control the looting that took place in front of the Obelisco last week, what makes you think they’ll be able to control it in some God-forsaken town?

• Oh, that’s right. Slingshots.

• And while Abal Medina was giving a press conference to express the outrage caused by the looting (which was obviously part of a global conspiracy to make the Government look bad since the end is nigh), he went: “Oh, and by the way, we’re expropriating the Rural Society grounds in Palermo. Kthanksbye.“

• The Rural Society, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner‘s natural enemy, is outraged by such a disdainful move and said this is “revenge for the 2008 export duties conflict” that sparked nationwide chaos when the Government tried to raise taxes on farming exports. But the Government continues to apply the Retcon principle (or “retroactive continuity“) and this time said that back in 1991, when the property was sold, the price was a steal so now it’s time to get it back. There, now go complain to someone who cares.

• As I mentioned previously, yesterday was a chaotic day in the city as close to 100 trillion people were protesting the anniversary of the 2001 events (by the way, who the fuck protests an anniversary? “It’s December 20th today?! Oh, hell no! Time to burn down shit.)  So yeah, traffic was chaos and people were obviously burning down shit, but I feel like our little society is maturing. I mean, last year this was going on at the Plaza de Mayo so try looking at me in the eye and tell me we’re not making progress.

• At long, last! After an entire year of comings and goings, the National Government and the City Government came to an agreement on the transfer of the Subway system, which means our beloved Subte would have been up and running by January 1st  if it weren’t for the fact that the end is nigh and we’re all going to die today.

• Also in case you didn’t know, the Government announced that starting
  

  In Buenos Aires, when we celebrate an anniversary, we celebrate it in style. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  today the $1,10 bus ticket would go to $1,50 and the train ticket would go from $0,70 to $1. And those are just SUBE card prices. If you don’t have it, you pay double. The good news is A) You will soon be shipped to fight the Brits in Antarctica, so who cares, and B) The end is nigh.

• Oh, Argentina, you procrastinating whore. According to a new study, Argentina is the country that spends the most time clicking through social networks.

• Also, this happened. And surprisingly, it wasn’t in Salta but in Santa Cruz, a province that shall henceforth be referred to as “the Salta of Patagonia.” Oh, and fortunately a judge stopped the marriage for now so don’t panic. God (and the Mayans) know after today there will not be any wedding. Mwahaha.

• Ever heard of the Uritorco Hill in Cordoba? It’s located right next to this town called Capilla del Monte, a paranormal epicenter and magical fairy land where pixies and werewolves and aliens all allegedly cohabit together. It’s like that town from True Blood except people are not having sex 24/7. So since this mythical land is considered to be some sort of portal to  the ether, or netherworld or whatever it is we’re supposed to enter today since the end is nigh, a bunch of alienated sociopaths decided it would be a good idea to commit mass suicide in it. So the mountain had to be closed to the public, which means they will have to spend the end of the world like the rest of us mortals, watching reruns of Dancing With The Stars.

• And finally: as if the Middle East didn’t have enough in its plate already, here comes the best piece of football-related news since I heard Diego Maradona was being fired from coaching the Al Wasl: it seems that Diego Maradona is now being considered as a possible coach for Iraq. That’s right, Iraq! This is gonna be hilarious! So as the former king of the world keeps shrinking in relevance (and in case the end is not nigh), let’s wait one more year until he’s offered to coach the North Koreans, which is the best football team in the world (according to the North Koreans). In the meantime, don’t leave the Green Zone, Diego!

• [UPDATE] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Fuck it, now I really do want the world to end.

Have a great apocalypse, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

*The Mayans never said it was the end of the world. It’s just the end of their calendar. In fact, it’s like saying that the world is ending because it’s December 31st. But whatever, I’m gonna capitalize on that shit like there’s no tomorrow (pun intended).

It’s Friday again!

And before we begin dwelling in the puddle of blood and violence that we experienced this week, I believe I should address the big fat elephant in the room.

Yes, last week’s Weekly News Roundup went viral. Yes, it got thousands of hits. Yes, this week many new readers will show up hoping to experience the same laughter fest that they came across last Friday.

But the pressure is too big to top that, so let me just say: it’s not going to happen.

Last week was a collective experience so it was relatable, it had a narrative and it was perfect to let your parents/friends know about what an exciting/terrifying experience it is to live in Buenos Aires.

This week: meh.

It’s like when your favorite TV show wins a “Best Drama Series” Emmy award after a flawless season, and the writers become apathetic and rest on their laurels so they come up with a half-baked, disappointing plot that satisfies no one (I’m looking at you, writers of The X-Files, 24 and Homeland).

Well, that’s me today. I am those writers. So read it, take it for what it is and go on with your life.

In the meantime I’ll be crying in the bathroom, reminiscing of my glory days.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Roger Federer may play tennis, but what we're really interested in is what he thinks about football. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  There is really nothing funny to say about what was the biggest story of the week: the Marita Verón case, which investigated the disappearance of a 23-year-old woman from Tucumán. You probably know all about it by now, but in case you haven’t heard, all thirteen suspects in the case were acquitted, and national outrage ensued.

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner wasn’t happy about it and asked Congress to reconvene in extraordinary sessions before the end of the month to pass an amendment on the Human Trafficking law.

• After such a fucked up ruling it was only logical that an angry mob would show up a day later in front of the Tucumán province offices in downtown Buenos Aires to express their discontent. It was also only logical that the area would turn into a war zone that looked like a scene from Black Hawk Down.

• A couple of hours after the downtown debacle, another storm was brewing a few blocks away. You see, while many that day had headed over to Facebook to post about how “fun” it was to point out that at 12:12 PM on 12/12/12 it was like, “OMG it’s all twelves!”, every Boca Juniors fan in the known universe was getting ready for war, since they were all getting together in front of the Obelisco to celebrate the “World Boca Juniors Fan Day” (?), whatever that means. Over 50,000 people gathered there to chant happily about football and Jesus, but alas! When the crowds get too big they always end up losing control because you know how mischievous these guys are. So they broke store windows, ransacked entire businesses, destroyed the Mc Donald’s at the corner and tried to kill the police. Ha! Crazy kids.

• Remember how last week Crónica came up with those inventive headlines about Chernobyl and Venice? Well this week, their news van was pleasantly parked in front of the Obelisco during the Boca event, until it suddenly got surrounded by thousands of savages who pillaged and looted it, spray painted it and then destroyed it. Can you imagine being inside that news van while this is happening outside? And for a headline, I would have totally gone with “Mogadishu“.

• And since they were at it, the Boca zombies also decided it would be a good idea to attack the entrance to Canal 13, which as we know belongs to Grupo Clarín and is therefore the fountain of all maladies. Here’s the footage. Watch it. It’s a glimpse into the future. A grim testimony of what the downfall of civilization will look like once our planet is overrun by PC monitor-stealing zombies.

•  Last Sunday night was a cause for celebration, as Argentine democracy turned 29 years old. The National Government, officially self-declared the standard bearer of the democratic movement in this country, decided to celebrate plurality and freedom by throwing a political rally big party at the Plaza de Mayo and around the country that included live music, fireworks, local delicacies and a special guest appearance by Cristina herself, who reminded us that democracy is beautiful and by the way if you don’t stand with her government you are a coup-monger son of a gun who deserves to be executed for treason.

• The United States of Awesome continue their heroic defense of Argentina against the vulture funds’ Evil Empire of Evilness, and now the Obama administration has requested the New York Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit to take Argentina’s appeal into consideration, a move that was to be expected considering they are being ruled by a Kenyan Socialist Nazi Communist Muslim that wants to destroy America by launching an attack on poor, poor capitalism.

• In other news, Argentina is not a deadbeat country (for now) since this weekend it is scheduled to pay $3.5 billion in GDP-bonds to private non-vulture bondholders.

• Not to ruin your holidays, but your ABL got adjusted for inflation today, which means starting next year it’s going to be 24% higher. Merry Christmas.

• Also, it’s very probable the after January 1st the Subte has to close because  there’s no money. Happy New Year.

•  OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! *hyperventilates* Look! The Central Bank has for some reason (the holidays) decided to temporarily allow Argentines to purchase US dollars in cash if they are to be used for travelling/studying abroad. RUN TO THE BANK, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! HURR-No, wait, most of you readers are foreigners and couldn’t care less about this. Never mind.

• For millenia, humanity has had to endure the many torments and tribulations caused by the act of sodcasting.  Sodcasting, for those of you who are not well versed in pop culture, is the act of being an inconsiderate asshole by playing music on your mobile phone on a bus or subway so everyone around you can hear it. It is usually appended by a smug expression on your face that clearly translates as: “Do you have a problem?”. But praised be Jesus*! After today, sodcasting in the city of Buenos Aires is no more. Because the busy minds working at the City Legislature have passed a bill effectively banning the demonic practice  from public transportation services, and if you attempt to waterboard our ears with your filthy 1970s rock and roll (or worse, your early 00s cumbia) the driver will have the right to get you off the bus.

• Of course, that’s all taking place in the realm of wishful thinking. Good luck telling the sodcaster to stop playing his music without getting into a fist fight. Or getting stabbed.

•  Then on Wednesday came the first of two exhibition matches that he was going to play alongside local tennis superstar Juan Martín Del Potro in a stadium in Tigre before 20,000 who paid like 100 million dollars per ticket. Here are some highlights of the game:

• The event was hosted by legendary tabloid superstar and Big Brother host Jorge Rial, for some reason. The 20,000 people there were not happy so they booed him. For like the first 30 seconds, at least.

• At some point, in a giant screen, there was a “surprise” (and cringing) message from Diego Maradona that had absolutely nothing to do with anything, because as we all know everything in this country has got to be related in some way to fútbol. God forbid the day that doesn’t happen.

• When the time to sing the National Anthem came, the Tigre authorities selected the best possible singer to perform it in front of the ecstatic audience (and Federer): musical legend Cacho Castaña, known for his sexy parties, his misogynistic lyrics advocating for violence against women and for biting the semi-naked ass of a gay man. Unfortunately, and because of copyrights issues (please, as if anyone cared), it is not available on YouTube, so you’ll have to settle with when he butchered it some time ago in Mendoza. So here, enjoy the proud lyrics of our anthem sung by Castaña. And please stand while you do it. This is no time for frivolity.

• The song after such moving, representative anthem was one sung by David Guetta. No, I’m not kidding.

• Controversial judge Norberto Oyarbide, despised by a large sector of the population because they say he favors the Kirchnerite government, showed up at the VIP box. This is how the audience responded. He left a while later, scarred for life.

• As Del Potro and Federer were about to come out, a sector in the bleachers began to “sink” (as in “collapse”) and 150 people had to be evacuated. Del Potro and Federer were sent back to the changing rooms.

• By the time the game started, the Boca Juniors fans were setting downtown Buenos Aires on fire, so no one cared anymore.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

* Just an expression. I’m not religious. It’s not that I don’t like Jesus, I actually thought he was a great guy and everything. It’s what they did with his progressive, revolutionary message after he died “ascended to Heaven” that I’m not crazy about. Sorry, Christians!