Repeat with me for the last time: It’s Friday again!

That’s right, people. After several years, many months, many columns and a shitload of bullet points, the Weekly News Roundup has come to an end.

I’m gonna give you a few seconds for that to sink in.
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Really? I thought you’d be more distraught. Anyway, this is it.

And no, I haven’t been threatened with deportation by the Government. No, I haven’t been fired from the Independent. Sometimes, however, you just feel that it’s time to move on to other things and I must admit that for me the time has come.

Now, I don’t want you to think I’m going away. Because I’m not. So to all the haters out there heaving a sigh of relief, thanking the Argentine gods that I wasn’t going to be around anymore to challenge their ill-acquired truths safely stored inside an impermeable bubble, I’m sorry to say that you’re not getting rid of me. On the contrary, my next task is to directly attack that bubble. But that’s another story and you will soon understand what I mean.

Back in 2010 I began writing this column after some guy I met in a bar told me he had been living in Argentina for two years and “he didn’t know or care to know who the president was”. Things got even worse when I mentioned Cristina and he replied: “Dude! The president has a girl’s name?!”

OK, so he wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. But he still got me to think that many expats living in this country (not all of them, obviously), be it due to the language barrier or just the fact that they didn’t give a shit, were experiencing Argentine reality from behind a Plexiglass. They could see everything that was happening around them, but they were not able to join it.

So on a rainy Friday, more specifically on August 20th, 2010, I wrote this piece of crap.

Thirty months later, this column has become a primordial aspect of my life. It has become my signature, my voice, my shrink. But above all, it has allowed me to connect with all of you who looked for a place to engage in collective catharsis and blow off some steam. And I’m immensely thankful for your buena onda.

Yes, even you haters. Your regular hate mail has managed to make my days brighter many times, so come here you rascals and give me a hug.

And like I said before, this isn’t goodbye. This is just an “I’ll be back in a few weeks in a different way“. Until then, you’re on your own.

Scary, isn’t it?

This is what you need to know:

• That thing with Iran keeps dominating the news this week (and by “thing with Iran” I mean the signing of a bilateral accord between Argentina and Iran that would create a Truth Commission in order to investigate the 1994 AMIA bombing) and people aren’t happy. Specially because the Kirchnerite party, with a majority in both houses of Congress has decided to pass a bill authorizing it despite the fact that the entire Jewish community in the country is against it. The Senate passed the bill yesterday and sent it to the Lower House, where they expect it will be debated as soon as next week.

• But since we know that what we really crave as human beings are anecdotal politics, here is Kirchnerite Senate majority leader Miguel Angel Pichetto, who in the heat of the debate made a distinction between “Jewish Argentines and Argentine Argentines.” Oops!

• The Jews, affable but with deadly ninja moves, were not amused by this. So now they are suing him for discrimination.

• But wait! Pichetto says he’s sorry for discriminating on the Jews, specially because he’s gonna get sued and all. So there, problem solved. Moral of the story: don’t fuck with the Jews.

• You have probably heard about this since it has been all over the news for the last few days, but I still need to address it. First, this happened last Sunday.

• The problem with that story is that, since the person who was driving the car is the son of a prominent Government-friendly journalist named Eduardo Aliverti, the polarized media is giving us two choices of reality, and as usual we can choose the one we like more:

• Pro-Government media: Oh, that poor boy (the driver, of course). How unfair to accuse him of hitting someone with his car and not giving a shit about it. Despite being extremely drunk, he still picked up the body of the (clearly reckless) cyclist and drove him to the closest toll both where he asked for help. Verdict: Obviously innocent. It’s all of us who must be blamed for living in such a judgmental society.

• Anti-Government media: The driver is clearly a monster who hit the cyclist and carried his dead body for as long as he wanted because he didn’t care, because he’s the son of a journalist who likes the Government so he gets special protection so nothing is going to happen to him so he deserves to rot in jail because clearly he is a serial killer. Verdict: Obviously guilty. Also, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner should resign because somehow this is all her fault.

• Get it? Just like Lionel Hutz from The Simpsons said once: there’s the truth… and the truth. Deal with it.

•  Speaking of car accidents: Damn it, kids! How many times have I told you to always look both ways when you’re crossing the street? If you don’t learn the easy way then it’s time for you to learn the hard way. Watch please.

• Oh, stop covering your eyes. No one died! In fact, they barely got hurt. Which means those two girls are either superhuman or a couple of crash test dummies that came back to life at night, like those toys in Toy Story 3 did, and got run over while they trying to get to a bar.

• Also, you gotta love the creepy bastard who spent five hours in front of his computer editing that footage, providing us with the same shocking images over and over again.

• And dude, a soundtrack? Really?

• This week, in the department of “No shit, Sherlock“, Infobae tells us that when it comes to internet download speeds, Argentina is ranked number 109 in the world, between the Reunion Islands, which you didn’t even know existed, and Barbados, a place you only know because an episode of Friends took place there once. Now you know why people aren’t much into internet porn around here. It’s not because we’re puritans, but because by the time the video is done downloading, the excitement’s worn off.

•  A crane fell in a construction site in Puerto Madero, killing one person and injuring two others. Don’t worry, nothing happened to the Faena Hotel.

• Today marks the one-year anniversary of the tragic Once train accident and society is up in arms (as it is every other day, to tell you the truth). This morning, relatives and friends of the 51 people who perished in the terrible crash attended a ceremony at the Once railway station and issued some strong statements against the National Government that included insults against Cristina, Planning Minister Julio De Vido and other Government officials, and a full rejection of the President’s message last night, in which she offered her condolences to the families of the deceased. In a predictable outburst of anger, the families exorcised their demons by hurling the worst possible insults to a National Government that last year handled the death of 51 people in the worst possible way.

• Even one of the founders of the Mothers of the Plaza de Mayo organization said she disagrees with the President.

•  Meanwhile, in Dubai, Diego Armando Maradona was back to his usual hijinx when he decided to appear via telephone on live television and discuss the trials and tribulations of having to deal with a new offspring with his daughter Dalma in front of 40 million people. Yeah, that’s right. We jump from the somber platforms of the Once train station to the never ending stupidity of Maradona in a single bullet point. It’s my last column. Let me be.

• Anyway. Dalma, who despite being like 100 million years old is behaving like a spoiled brat who is jealous of her newborn sibling, went to a TV show to cry on camera and say waaaah waaaah waaaah. Maradona, who at the time may or may have not been drunk/high, made a surprise appearance via Skype or something, and began asking everyone why his daughter had left the set even though she hand’t left the set. “I’m right here!”, the little Maradona spawn said like a million times to no avail.

• Then he greeted everyone again with a slurry “Good evening, everyone” and once again wondered why his daughter had left.

• “Damn it, I’m right here!” she said again. Now it was just sad.

• After a series of semi incoherent ramblings about who knows what, he finally said he was tired of the putos periodistas (faggot journalists) who are willing to do whatever is necessary to find a story. “Ricardo Fort isn’t the only faggot in Argentina,” he warned. Classy! Because the conversation wasn’t bizarre enough, now Ricardo Fort becomes a part of the equation. So there he is, everyone. That’s your role model. That’s the kind of person you idolize. Feel good about yourself?

• This of course, caused some of those journalists to take offense.
  

  This is you right now. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Particularly tabloid and yellow press kings Jorge Rial and Luis Ventura, who replied one day later by detonating two nuclear bombs in the hearts of those who worship Maradona as the God of all things football. Ventura, clearly hurt, revealed “some information that he had allegedly kept secret until now”: A) During that infamous drug bust in which he was arrested, Maradona was caught in bed with another dude. B) He likes boys who dress like girls (transvestites). C) He’s a pedophile.

• You know what’s worse? Football and the tabloid press are two things I despise. And yet, here we are. Ironic, isn’t it?

• Well aware that I was retiring from the Weekly News Roundup business today, Cristina didn’t waste any time and decided this was the perfect time to launch a new network suspiciously named DeporTV. The ceremony inaugurating the new channel, which is aimed at promoting sports (meaning football), featured all mandatory Government cliches, including:

1. Football as the catalyst for human redemption:  “I have heard from many neighborhood leaders how Fútbol para Todos changed lives in the neighborhoods, because the kids, and the husband too, stay at home,” Cristina said. “They no longer have to go to the gas station or bar to watch but can instead watch the game all together, eating torta fritas at home.” I know you can’t see me right now, but you have no idea how fast my eyes are rolling.
2. The dictatorship: ”The event was also used to honor athletes that were forced to leave Argentina during the 1950s and forced to “disappear” during the most recent Argentine dictatorship in the 1970s.” Because anything in this country that fails to explicitly and directly address the dictatorship = fascist.
3. Maradona (Seriously): “Football legend Diego Maradona spoke at the presentation via videoconference from Dubai.” How touching! Was that before or after he called several gay journalists “fags”? No, really. I just want to know.
4. The press sucks:   “We are going to have a channel that is not going to lie to us,” Maradona said. Well, finally we see eye to eye on something! I mean, can you imagine if the local press had decided not to look the other way when you scored a goal using your hand, effectively winning the Mexico 86 World Cup? Remember, hmmm? Shut the fuck up and stop insulting our intelligence.

• Seriously, if this is going to be my last bullet point ever… if this is going to be the epitaph carved on the cover of a future “Weekly News Roundup Greatest Hits” then let me say it again:  for once and for all, please, stop insulting our intelligence.

I love you, kids.

Have a great life, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s 2013 Friday again!

Happy new year, by the way, and I hope you missed me these last two weeks, even though I’m sure right now you’re going “There was no Weekly News Roundup for two weeks? Huh. I guess I didn’t notice.”

Well, I don’t care. I didn’t miss you either. I spent the first week of the year doing absolutely nothing, sitting on the beach re-reading The Catcher in the Rye and giggling like an idiot at the Grumpy Cat, the best internet phenomenon to slap the world in the face since “All your bases are belong to us“.

But enough talking about you and your uneventful Punta del Este / home-for-the-holidays anecdotes. Admit it: you’re glad you’re back in Argentina. You missed it like crazy. You missed its chaos, you missed its people, you missed its intoxicating deliriums of grandeur.

And most of all, you missed the sheer ridiculousness of our 24 hours news cycle.

Unless you never left, of course.

In a nutshell, this is what happened in the last two weeks (use this soundtrack for a more sensorial experience).

• 2012 was replaced by 2013, which I’m sure you already knew.

• The Subte fare is going up to $3.50. Yes, $3.50. Deal with it.

• Our beloved Frigate Libertad returned home and we all cried tears of joy at the sight of those proud sailors and the street vendors’ blatant displays of cheap nationalism.

• Lionel Messi got his fourth Ballon D’Or. I didn’t even know he had one. Actually, I didn’t even know what a Ballon D’Or was.

• British tabloid “The Sun” ran a full-page ad on the Buenos Aires Herald telling Argentines to keep their hands off the Malvinas/Falklands. No one cared.

• The YouTube gods reignited the population’s obsession with catfights.

• President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is touring South East Asia and must do so in a rental plane instead of the official presidential plane because she’s afraid the vulture funds are going to impound it. No, really.

• The Qom indigenous community are this close to becoming an endangered species but we still care more about who’s going to be a judge on this season’s Dancing with the Stars.

• The Subte A Line will remain closed until March and those nostalgia-inducing death traps that we used to ride from time to time will be dismantled and used for asado wood. I mean… “libraries.”

• If you are in Punta del Este, chances are you are being robbed right now. Seriously, check your wallet.

• Cristina got into a very, very public fight with über-Argentine and heartthrob actor Ricardo Darín after he casually dropped in an interview that he wanted to know how she made her fortune. She replied with a passive-aggressive open letter via Twitter and Facebook, and engaged in an ad hominem discussion about how she loves his movies and how he was once accused of illegally importing a car to the country. Remember that Mr. Darín, hmm?

• Moral of the story: don’t fuck with the president, loser. She’s like, the female version of Vladimir Putin. You just don’t fuck with her and expect to get away with it. Ever.

• By the way, regarding that link to “ad hominem“? You’re welcome.

OK. Now that you’re up to speed, welcome back. You can stop the music.

This is what you need to know, although bear in mind it’s January, which is a slow news month:

• 

  Mar del Plata continues to allure millions of tourists every year for some reason. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  We begin with what will surely be the story of the week, since it’s on the cover of every newspaper in this country today. Remember last year when President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner unveiled those evil-looking dolls that were supposed to represent the League of Extraordinary Bolivarian Liberators but in fact resembled a voodoo doll from a scene of A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master? Well step aside, horrible creatures of the underworld! Because there’s a new winner in this twisted Toy Story-esque universe. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new and improved Cristina doll (widow dress and presidential sash included in the set!). Now, before you start going “WTF is that thing?” let me just clarify that it’s a gift from the Argentine Toy Industry Chamber which has had huge returns this year because of import restrictions (fuck Monopoly, play El Estanciero and shut up). Alright, now that we got that out of the way, let’s move on to less relevant things, like rampant inflation.

• INFLATION! That terrifying, frumpish concept that keeps us guessing every month and keeps bringing us closer and closer to considering prostitution as a way to make ends meet. As we’ve become accustomed in the last few years, there is great disparity between the official inflation rate index and the one disclosed by independent economists. This year was not different, with the INDEC citing a 10.8% for 2012, and private consulting estimates placing it just over 25%. Congratulations Argentina! You have now surpassed Venezuela to become the country with the highest inflation rate in Latin America. As a reward, hacktivist group Anonymous decided to hack the INDEC’s website to denounce its lies. Ha! Kids.

• DOLLAR BLUE! That angelical way of calling the black market exchange rate of the US dollar in the dark alleys of mysterious Buenos Aires. That dewy sweet deal you procure to seal by getting rid of all your dollars once you return to Argentina from wherever the hell you come from. Yes, kids. The “dollar blue” exchange rate has reached $7.47 pesos today, which is almost 50% more than the official exchange rate, currently at $4.96. So you know… when you’re back, gimme a call so I know how you’re doing and we’ll meet for coffee. Oh, and bring your dollars for no particular reason.

• Remember the IMF? It’s back! Although not in pog form. No, this time it’s very real and as they prepare to meet on February 1st to discuss what to do with our rogue nation and its elusive ways, we better brace ourselves for what will surely be another harmless statement saying that if Argentina doesn’t change its strategy, the organization will have no choice but to warn us again.

• And if you didn’t get that “pog form” reference, A) You never watched The Simpsons and B) You suck.

• While visiting the UAE as part of her “Sex and The City 2” presidential tour, Cristina signed a series of bilateral agreements with the Emirati president Khalifa bin Al Nahayan. Then she met with “the girls” for a couple of appletinis and later met with downfallen football start Diego Maradona – currently an Obi-Wan Kenobi-esque cave dweller in the Abu Dhabi desert after being banished from Argentina –  who regaled her with the crassest flower bouquet humanity has ever witnessed. He also expressed his strong support for her administration, which is like, super easy to do when you’re living in a different country and getting paid in dollars. But stop judging you guys! In fact Diego has always strongly supported whoever was in power, even former president Carlos Menem and his Economy Minister Lex Luthor, both of them architects of the economic measures in the 90s that resulted in a mess that the Kirchners tried to clean up in the 00s. Don’t believe me? Here’s a photo of Maradona…ahem… “resting” during a press conference and wearing a t-shirt that reads “Thank you Mingo”, in reference to Mr. Luthor himself. That’s like praising Obama’s anti-war stance after wearing a “Thank you Cheney” t-shirt.  The Internet NEVER forgets, Maradona.

• Re: the flower bouquet… noticed the footballs on top? Oh Diego. Never change.

• The National Government has announced that it intends to enact a federal plan to slowly replace and repair the national railway network.

• Oh and conveniently, this happened today. So stay away from all trains until things are working at least by North Korean standards.  I mean, nothing to worry about. Just a passenger train that went off the rails but no one died, which means no biggie.

• And not to freak you out or anything, but a plane from Aerolíneas Argentinas “grazed” another from Air France while it was taxiing at the Miami International Airport yesterday.

• Oh, like you never dented another car while parking. Shut up. Look at it, it’s not so bad.

• Remember when three years ago everyone was crazy about the Dakar Rally because it launched from Buenos Aires, and everyone was like “Oh my God I’ve been following this forever!“, and everyone was like, yelling at the screens and everything, and waving Argentine flags when what’s his face won the quad bike races and all that? Remember how Cristina wore a pink helmet and rode the quad bike and stuff to celebrate? Remember how then the organization behind the rally decided to expand it to other countries and local people were like “Woa…” and then Argentina just became a “passing through” country and everyone was like “meh“? Yeah, well. That’s now. No one cares about it.

• This week Argentina was disqualified from the FIFA U-20 World Cup (whatever that means) and now everyone is sad. Pity. *cough*

• Also, for reasons that I fail to compute because I truly dislike football,
  

  Don't give me any of that "friendly" crap. You either kill or get killed. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  there’s a Superclasico coming to Mar del Plata this Saturday which, what do you know, happens to coincide with the busiest season.  Now, I understand that you like the circus. I understand that you don’t care about paying money for a spectacle that we all know is merely put up to exploit your blind fanaticism and rake in the big bucks. But why the bout of euphoria? Seriously. No matter who wins or loses, the result is exactly the same. It’s a friendly superclásico (I know, oxymoron much?), which means there’s no motivation to win beyond the satisfaction of mocking your rivals to the point of killing a couple hooligans outside the stadium but that’s it. It’s WrestleMania with a ball. It’s a gladiator fight in which both contenders survive. And I don’t know about you, but if I lived in ancient Rome I would have liked none of that sissy shit. Either you stab him in the neck or he stabs you but one of you has to die. If not, I want my gold coins back.

• And since we’re talking Superclásico: dear staff working at the US Embassy in Buenos Aires: I know you read me (oh yes, I know) and you know I love you. I really do. But you see, I hate football. So please let’s make sure THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN. In fact, let’s just pretend it never happened. Let’s just pretend that you decided to go with a lame reenactment of Gangnam Style, like this high school did. Sure, the Spartan name will live in infamy forever, a cheap tin plaque with its name on it hanging and gathering dust and cobwebs in the hall of eternal shame. But I’ll take that to football. So seriously. Never again.

• Did you click on that link to the high school video? Eerie, isn’t it? Hypnotic. Like you can’t stop looking at it even though your face feels like going through that rapid-aging process that kills the bad guy at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

It’s Friday again!!

And the reason for that extra “!” is that my birthday is in three days and that has me very excited. My apologies for that outburst of inexcusable effervescence. Will not happen again, I promise.

It’s been a slow week. And I hate slow weeks. Mainly because I have to look harder for any news that manage to both capture the zeitgeist and be ridiculously hilarious.

So it is obvious that this week’s WNR is gonna suck when you know that Cristina didn’t tell the IMF to go fuck itself, Ricardo Fort and his prosthetic chin didn’t grace us with their presence on the small screen and no one has been killed by a chainsaw-wielding serial killer in Salta.

Sorry, I know it may be hard to believe but I actually have no control over current events. All I can do is try to tell you about what happened during the week so next time you talk to your friends about how the Subte may be going up to $5.50 if things keep going the way they are going you’ll say you read about it on Adrian’s column.

And that, my friends, is the best birthday gift ever.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  The Norwegian Room, where the UN Security Council meets regularly. Oh, sorry. You expected a punchline? Not everything in life is a joke, you know. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  At last! After millenia of unfair treatment and sidelining by the great world powers, Argentina (our favorite attention whore) will get its fifteen minutes of fame and be a non-permanent member of the United Nations Security Council. Great Britain probably went “Ugh, not again” after a majority of countries voted in favor of Argentina joining the big boys club, since I’m sure the Malvinas issue will be brought up every 30 seconds, as some slow torture against the Brits who will end up giving up the Malvinas and even also Gibraltar so that Argentina will finally shut up about it. Either that or we go to war. We’ll see.

• This October 17th was Peronist Loyalty Day, which I’m not sure what it really means, but all I know is that every year all Peronist groups in the country compete to see who is more Peronist than the other. It happened again last Wednesday of course, since Union big boss Hugo Moyano gave a speech saying that unlike President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, he is a true Peronist. Then Cristina went on TV to say that unlike Hugo Moyano, she is a true Peronist. And after all this, I’m still not really sure I fully grasp the concept of this whole loyalty thing. The guy is dead, I’m sure he doesn’t care about who they’re being loyal to.

• Chaco governor Jorge Capitanich, renowned worldwide for his inclination to not give a fuck about anything ever, once again decided to not to give a fuck about anything and announced he would convert the provincial debt from dollars to pesos since the Argentine Central Bank told him to go fuck himself when he attempted to purchase dollars.

• Moody’s, the (drama) queen of credit rating agencies decided to downgrade the rating of several Argentine provinces after this, and in return the Argentine Government accused said agencies of being “terrorists.”

• Damn. That is a really unflattering photo of Cristina.

• But here is the most awesomest photo you will have ever seen in the history of ever: forget about the Malvinas/Falklands conundrum. Forget about any existing animosity between Argentina and the United Kingdom. Forget about any differences that may surface whenever Cristina and David Cameron cross paths in some international summit and go “Well, this is awkward”. You know, like in this photo. Forget about all that, because here are Queen Elizabeth II and Argentine ambassador to London Alicia Castro meeting for the first time, proving once more that hating Argentina/England because you’re English/Argentine is fucking stupid.

• You know how you’re always saying you’d do anything to go back to your glory days of high school just to relive the intensity of hormonal changes and hallway mischief?  Not this time you won’t, because after so many days of school takeovers all over the City, City Hall warned classes could be extended until December 30 to make up for lost days . On top of that, the Ministry of Education has decided that, on a national level, classes will begin on February 25. So if you’re a high school student in the City, your summer holidays may have just gotten reduced to a month and half. Enjoy.

•  Former Brazilian president Lula Da Silva decided it was time to visit Argentina for some reason and gave a speech about stuff and warned that Argentina better not try to win the 2014 World Cup. Ha! As if they could.

• Heads continue to roll in the Argentine Armed Forces as the frigate Libertad fiasco seems poised to become an international incident of embarrassing proportions. As the Navy and the Ministry of the Interior blame each other for deciding to moor there without realizing the vessel was going to be impounded by the evil forces of the vulture funds, negotiations between Argentina and Ghana are already under way to see if this tormentous clusterfuck can be resolved without starting World War III. Or something.

• Meanwhile, in Ghana: the crew of the Libertad are apparently having the time of their lives, since they say being held hostage in a foreign continent is “just like being in Buenos Aires.” Curious as I am, I decided to go to Google Images and search “Ghana”. This is what came up. And this. And this. Which means they were either being held at gunpoint while making that statement or the Stockholm Syndrome is starting to kick in.

• Although I must admit this does kinda look like Av. Santa Fe at 3 pm. So maybe they’re right.

• Somebody contact Ryan Murphy right now and tell him we’ve got the plot for the next season of American Horror Story. In what could easily be considered the most abhorrent story of the week (so atrocious that it made it to the international media), a child care center was accused of physically abusing babies who would not stop crying. Teachers would tape their mouths shut and tie them up to their chairs in order to keep them quiet. The spark that ignited the investigation into this malignant clown-themed Guantanamo was a Facebook photo that showed a 9-month old baby with tape over his mouth. The place has been shut down and as outrage across the country expanded, area residents tried to burn it to the ground. You know where this modern tale of monstrous behavior took place? Here.

• Ha! You thought I was going to say Salta, didn’t you? Well, no. Not this time.

• Terrible news everyone! Your beloved magnetic card Monedero – the poor man’s SUBE card – will no longer function to pay for public transportation after December 1st. It’s all about the SUBE now. However, since I’m pretty sure none of you use/know about the Monedero, I’m wondering why I’m even talking about it. Oh, that’s right. Slow news week. Well then this is just pointless fluff.

• What’s that? You actually own or know someone who owns a Monedero card? For real? Huh. What do you know.

• You know how you’re always expressing dissatisfaction over how Apple products are always reaching astronomical prices here? You know how you must always humiliate yourself by asking friends and acquaintances coming from the US to mule you an iPhone/iPod/iPad/MacBook because those unfairly speculating with a primordial basic need such as the Angry Birds app get to put any price they want on the product and you’re like “Man, that’s a ripoff!”? Well, karma.

• Also, here’s a list of the serial numbers of the 110 computers stolen, so that in case you go to Mercado Libre and come across a suspiciously low-priced MacBook, you know that you’re buying stolen goods. Not that you care.

• Are you, by any chance, a feminist? Then you may want to skip this bullet
  

  Everyone, head over to Mercado Libre, pronto! They are probably selling really cheap MacBooks and the price is a steal! Literally. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  point entirely because I swear to God this is your worst nightmare. We all know that the local version of Dancing With the Stars, Bailando por un Sueño, has hardly had any actual dancing lately. Come to think of it, it’s never had any stars either. But as the ratings continue to plummet, their desperation is becoming more tangible. Enter “la sueca” (or “the Swedish”), Argentina’s latest victim of  cruel objectification and masturbatory fodder. Because of her broken Spanish, hot body and spirit of naïveté, la sueca is the epitome of what, according to our macho-centric culture, every woman should be: blonde, hot and stupid (and yes, I’m siding with the feminists here, mostly because I don’t want them to flood my inbox with hate mail). So host Marcelo Tinelli, who did to the feminist movement what the iceberg did to the Titanic, saw this wide-eyed girl as an opportunity to regain his glory lost and organized a football match with her. While she wore a bikini. On an artificial beach. Brilliant! But knowing that just seeing her jumping around wouldn’t be enough, he also helped the millions of erection-prone viewers around the country to experience it vicariously, and every time she scored a goal he would throw her down on the sand and dry hump her for a while, because he could. Here it is again. And again. I don’t know man, as an anthropological experiment, I think it’s fascinating.

• If you’re a woman you’re probably very upset right now. That’s OK, it will pass.

• This week Argentina beat Chile 2-1 in the 2014 World Cup qualifiers, but as you probably know, I couldn’t care less about that. What I’m interested in is the constant vilification of everyone’s favorite asshole, Diego Maradona.  Remember how a few weeks go we all celebrated his parenthood after he informed the world that he was going to be a father again? Remember how we all, jokingly and considering his proclivity to fathering illegitimate babies, said “let’s hope this time he gives his child his last name”? Well he just dumped his very pregnant girlfriend. So he won’t.

• In the meantime this weekend, the best football player in the world will indirectly be schooling Maradona on how to be a decent human being. And his timing couldn’t be more perfect. Long live Lionel Messi.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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Argentines are mad about sport. So much so, that one porteño recently told me: “Here, football is more popular than sex”. Whilst a brief jaunt around a local park makes me doubt that, it is certainly true that sport infiltrates all walks of Argentine life. Turn on the television and you will see chat shows devoted to the topic of Messi’s left foot, buy a newspaper and you’ll discover front and back pages adorned with pictures of Del Potro having breakfast.

Football is, by far, the most popular sport: the city and suburbs of Buenos Aires alone play host to 12 different first division clubs, all of which have their own stadium, fan base and radio station. When you add to that a considerable interest and proficiency in rugby, polo, basketball, hockey, tennis, volleyball, horse racing, and boxing, it becomes difficult to contemplate a nation more obsessed with sport.

With this in mind, attempting to select the top five moments in Argentine sporting history is not an easy task, particularly in a country where an opinion about sport is akin to a Facebook account: everyone has one. The country is so rich in sporting history that inevitably not everything could be included and so, after much debate, these are the Indy’s top 5 moments in Argentine sporting history.

Diego Maradona's famous "Hand of God" moment in the World Cup.

Diego Maradona’s “Hand of God” goal (1986)

The year is 1986, and Argentina are playing England in the World Cup quarter-final in Mexico. With 51 minutes on the clock, the score is still 0-0. Diego Maradona attempts a one-two with Jorge Valdano. England’s Steve Hodge intercepts the pass, only for the ball to balloon goalwards. The 5,5” Maradona races into the area to compete with the towering English goalkeeper Peter Shilton. And then the unthinkable happens.

The Argentine “mago” (magician) leaps, and fists the ball with his left hand over the onrushing Shilton. The referee misses it, thinking that the striker has used his head, the goal stands and the South Americans lead 1-0. They go on to win the game 2-1 and then the entire tournament, beating West Germany in the final. After the game, Maradona declared that the goal was scored partly with his head and partly with “the hand of god”, and so the phrase was born.

Whilst some people may argue that cheating is unjustifiable, I’m afraid there are exceptions and this is perhaps one of them. To brand the “hand of god” goal as merely despicable foul play is to ignore the bigger picture. There is another school of thought which sees the event somewhat differently: an opportunity arose to get one over the English and a cheeky Argentine footballer exploited it.

The game between Argentina and England was the first time the teams had met since the Falklands War of 1982. The extra emotional dimension that this added to the match was immense.

Maradona scored. He cheated, but he did so to beat the English. It was symbolic: Two fingers (or rather a whole hand) at the bloodthirsty British. Combined with his ‘goal of the century’ a few minutes later, it was the defining act of a national hero. With that single moment of audacity, Maradona lifted an entire country that was still reeling from the human rights atrocities of the last dictatorship and defeat in a senseless war.

Maradona summed up the impact of his most famous act in his book El Diego: “More than defeating a football team, it was defeating a country… We knew they had killed a lot of Argentine boys there, killed them like birds…It was revenge. It was like recovering a little bit of the Malvinas… What hand of god? It was the hand of El Diego! And it felt a little bit like pickpocketing the English.”

Argentina beat out Team USA in the 2004 Olympics (Photo courtesy of olympic.org)

Argentina’s Basketball team beats US “Dream Team” in the semi-final of the Athens Olympics (2004)

In Athens in 2004 the Argentine basketball team achieved what many people thought impossible. They beat the USA, and in so doing became the first team ever to defeat the ‘Dream Team’ at an Olympics since the introduction of professional NBA players at the 1992 games. The Argentines would go on to take gold in the final, but it was the semi-final that will live longer in sporting memory.

Basketball was invented and perfected in the US – it’s a way of life there. The USA had won gold at the previous four Olympic Games, and the team’s NBA superstars receive millions of dollars every year to do their stuff. In 2004, the young ‘Dream Team’ contained greats such as Tim Duncan and Allen Iverson, not to mention the incredible prospects that were Lebron James and Dwayne Wade.

It was a captivating game, with Manu Ginobli, the Argentine shooting guard, and only established NBA name in the side, the star of the show. He scored 29 points, leading the South Americans to an 89-81 victory. There were no complaints – the Argentines passed, shot and defended better than their opponents. Slick moves and trademark bold forays to the basket from Ginobli led to relentless scoring.

After the game Argentine coach Ruben Magnano declared: “Our rival today was extremely tough, but in the few hours that passed between yesterday’s game [a quarter final victory against Greece] and today’s, we realised that nothing was impossible.” Quite.

Juan Manuel Fangio in the 1957 race.

Fangio wins the German Grand Prix at Nürburgring (1957)

Many who witnessed Juan Manuel Fangio’s victory at the German Grand Prix in 1957 called it the greatest drive of all time. Three hours, 30 minutes, and 38.3 seconds of artistry and insanity combined. It was to be “El Maestro”’s last ever victory and earned him his fifth Formula One World Drivers’ Championship title, a record which stood for 46 years.

To be a formula one driver back in the 50s you either had to be incredibly tough or slightly deranged. Engines were situated at the front of cars, and heat and oil fumes funnelled directly into the cockpit. A race was considered a success if no one got seriously hurt, especially as it was competed over 500km, a distance which even the fittest of today’s drivers would baulk at. Except for a massive kilometre-long straight, the Nürburgring circuit was made up of endless blind corners and sharp elevation changes, making it incredibly challenging and dangerous.

Fangio drove a Masseratti 250F. He led at the half way point, executing his plan perfectly, building up almost a 30-second gap over the Ferraris of Mike Hawthorne and Peter Collins, allowing him the time he would need to stop to change tyres. However, mechanics encountered problems with the tyre changeover and El Maestro ended up returning to the race 56 seconds behind the Ferraris.

What followed was one of the most spectacular pursuits ever seen in Formula One. The Argentine gradually caught the leaders, churning out three consecutive laps that each smashed the track record by an astonishing 12 seconds in the process. A gap of almost a minute was overcome in 11 laps. He brushed aside Collins, before overtaking Hawthorne on the penultimate lap with an outlandish manoeuvre, pinning his rival perilously close to the outside of a corner as they both navigated a left-right chicane.

Fangio said years later: “I believe that on that day in 1957 I finally managed to master the Nürburgring, making those leaps in the dark on curves where I had never before had the courage to push things so far… I told myself that never, never again was I going to drive like I did that day.” Sure enough, the great man retired shortly into the 1958 season. In one of F1’s most touching moments, his Nürburgring rival Hawthorne was about to lap Fangio in his final ever race, but instead merely followed El Maestro all the way home to the flag as a mark of respect.

Los Pumas victorious in 2007.

Los Pumas win opening game of Rugby World Cup against France in Paris (2007)

“Coronados de gloria vivamos…¡O Juremos con gloria morir!” (Let us all live crowned with glory…or full with glory, lets swear to die!)

The epic words of the Argentine national anthem echoed around a packed Stade de France, the opening venue of the 2007 Rugby World Cup. Tears poured down the cheeks of various Argentine players as they sang. The camera panned from face to face, and from the look in their eyes, it became clear that these were men willing to sacrifice themselves for the blue and white stripes of their homeland.

Not only were Argentina drawn into what was branded the ‘group of death’, but they were also handed the enormous task of playing the fancied host nation, France, in the opening game.

Right from the off, ‘Los Pumas’ ripped into the home side and took the lead with a penalty after 5 minutes. Full back Ignacio Corleto then scored a well-taken interception try to make the score 17-9 at half time. In the second half, a resurgent France spent large periods camped on the Argentine line. But the inspired Pumas produced a monumental defensive effort and held on to win the game 17-12. The French side became only the second host nation in the history of the world cup to be defeated in their opening game.

“Our best resources are the passion and pride when we put on the jersey,” said the Argentine skipper Augustin Pichot, after the game. His side went on to beat Ireland, and top the ‘group of death’, before eventually beating France once again in the third place play off, claiming Argentina’s highest ever world cup finish. It was the gargantuan performance in the opening game, however, that really set the tone for the Pumas tournament.

The performance of the national rugby team in that opening game also captivated the football-mad public back home, so much so, that the Boca-River ‘El Superclasico’ was re-scheduled so that it would not clash with a Pumas game later in the tournament.

Las Leonas were the 2010 world cup champions.

Las Leonas Clinch Hockey World Cup in Argentina (2010)

For those who don’t follow women’s hockey, Las Leonas is the nickname of the Argentine national team.

The hugely successful team tasted World cup glory for the first time in 2002, but it was in 2010 when their greatest moment truly arrived. In front of home fans, Las Leonas won every game in the lead up to the final, where they faced their arch nemesis, the Netherlands, in Rosario.

Local support created a cauldron-like atmosphere with deafening noise every time the home side threatened. Las Leonas made a lightning start and were two goals up within eight minutes, thanks to strikes from Carla Rebecchi and Noel Barrionuevo. In the second half the Dutch side pulled one back, before Rebecchi got her second, sending the crowd bananas and sealing a 3-1 victory.

Captain, Luciana Aymar, playing in her 300th game, capped the occasion by raising the cup aloft, amidst a cacophony of spectacular fireworks. Aymar went on to win the Player of the Tournament award and then later in the year collected her seventh World Player of the Year title. To offer an idea of how mind-blowingly incredible that is, Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo, combined, have a mere four of the equivalent titles in football.

In a post-match interview, coach Carlos Retegui said: “We really wanted this title. The girls won all their matches playing with fight, passion and heart”. A fitting description for the aptly named Las Leonas.

It’s Friday again!

And are you trying to hide somewhere where the fake global excitement over the Olympics can’t find you?

Then you’ve come to the right place my friend.

Because I will not be mentioning them at all (except for this part in which I have to mention them to say that I will not be mentioning them, you know how it is).

And let’s face it, all we care about is the opening/closing ceremonies and how many medals our country won.

I’m not trying to be a cynic here, I’m just saying no one gives a shit about how far a javelin can go. That’s all.

All we care about is the gold, and that’s a fact.

Ready for another crazy week of Argentine mishaps?

Then this is what you need to know:

• 

  Not Madonna. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Are you willing to open your heart to the never fading charm of Evita‘s smile? It was the 60th anniversary of Eva Peron’s death yesterday and there were countless ceremonies throughout the country to remember the so-called “standard bearer of the humble.” Among the many celebrations carried out this week, the most important one was the one held in the government house by President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, in which she unveiled a new commemorative $100 peso bill featuring Evita’s portrait. Even though this was originally a limited edition thing, Cristina urged the authorities to eventually replace the note currently in use with these new more Peronist-friendly version.

• One of the reasons why the government wants to get rid of the $100 peso bills you’re using right now is because they feature the portrait of former president Julio A. Roca, a polarizing figure who is lauded by many because he broke relations with the Vatican and instituted secular education in Argentina, but is reviled by others because he pretty much exterminated every indigenous tribe south of La Pampa in the so-called “Conquest of the Desert.” So, who do you pick? Genocidal maniac or Madonna?

• Oops! Well, this is awkward. Apparently there is a little design flaw in these flawless new bills, and they can’t be read by regular ATM machines. Which means that, at least when it comes to this first batch of 20 million bills and until this error is corrected, it’s gonna be a fucking nightmare to get them from the bank. Looks like we’re gonna have to stick to the genocidal maniac for a little longer than expected.

• Of course, the money-printing authorities were fast to deny this and accused the anti-Government media of “slandering Evita.” Who should you believe? Well, that’s for you to decide. Consider the Argentine media to be some fucked-up version of the Choose Your Own Adventure book series. Only difference is no matter what the outcome, the population always loses.

• Here’s a fun fact: Cristina has a very dirty mind. Most of the time we don’t get to see that side of her because she’s always bitching about stuff or yelling at others. But whenever she’s in a good mood, she starts making dirty jokes. And guess what: she made one this week! While she was attending the opening ceremony of a cosmetics factory in Berazategui via teleconference, she started talking to a girl who said she was in charge of “handling tubes.” So Cristina had the brilliant idea of asking the guy standing next to her is he was in charge of “llenarle el pomo“ (loosely translated as “filling her tubes”). “That was a little dirty for a President, don’t you think?” she wondered. Stay classy, Madame President!

• It’s official: we’re China’s Latin American bitch.

• Congratulations Argentina! For the second time in a row, the World Bank has named you the most protectionist country in the world! That means that  we’re living in the country that applies more restrictions to control foreign trade than any other nation. Oh, well. At least we’re first in something.

• Oh, and shut up Americans. Because the US comes third.

• Will you look at that, war games and rogue missiles in the Malvinas/Falklands. That’s refreshing.

• Don’t panic though, this is standard routine for the islanders, who as usual replied to Argentina’s shaking fist in the air with an apathetic shrug and a “whatevs,” accusing Cristina of scaring the population since these exercises are performed there every six months or so. And they have kind of a point. Back in October 2010, Cristina was already bitching about them. She even called the Brits “pirates,” which is a stupid thing to do because we all know pirates only used cannonballs and swords.

• OK, maybe except for these pirates.

• Are you, by any chance, a prostitute? Are you, by any chance, living in the province of Córdoba? If you said yes to those two questions (which is highly likely) then I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that the provincial government is anxious to give you a free ride to your hometown, no matter where you originally come from. Go on, take it! The bad news is that it’s just a one-way ride because they don’t want you strutting your stuff around their land any more, lowering everyone’s morale with your sinful ways. Oh, but don’t be so quick to judge. This is (according to the provincial government) “a very smart move” in their commendable fight against human trafficking. That’s right, if you’re ever forced to deal with the illegal trade of human beings for the purposes of commercial exploitation in your own backyard now you know what to do: send those harlots away so you don’t have to deal with the issue yourself. There, problem solved. Somebody give these people a Nobel prize.

•  I know it feels like I say this every month, but I don’t. I actually say it once every two months. Remember: cab fare is going up this Sunday. And don’t get too comfortable with those prices, because they are going up in October again. Ha! Worried about how you’ll manage to get back home while inebriated? Yeah, me too.

• I know it feels like I say this every week, but I… no, wait. I actually do say this every week: the Central Bank has announced new restrictions for those trying to purchase US dollars, so if you intend to send $2000 abroad because you have a family member who’s dying and needs your urgent help to escape, say, a Russian gulag, you need to ask the Government for a special permit. The limit for remittance abroad has been set at $1500 a month. If you need to send more, then now you need a permit.  Because odds are you’re sending that money to your spoiled children who are drinking their life away in some elite first world university, you imperialist pig.

• Believe it or not, you may be scanned for firearms while entering the movie theater to see The Dark Knight Rises in Argentina . Because if we’re gonna imitate American culture, we’re gonna do it right.

• And speaking of the shootout in Denver, of course the media in this country would find an angle to make it all about the tragedy we also endured (albeit totally indirectly) as a nation. Oh, Argentina. You overzealous attention whore.

• Millions were horrified by the Government’s latest despicable lie this week, after Security Secretary Sergio Berni assured that Buenos Aires “is one of the safest cities in Latin America.” Lies, all lies! Or maybe not?Because according to the latest research of the 50 most dangerous cities in the world Buenos Aires is nowhere to be seen, even though 40 of the cities in the list are located in Latin America. Even New Orleans, Detroit and Baltimore made the list! So yes, the region is the most dangerous in the world (even more dangerous than the horn of Africa!) but all in all BA is pretty safe. I’m of course not saying there’s no danger here, I’m just saying the rest of the world is not filled with wide-eyed cherubs and unicorns. Violent crimes are widespread. Remember that next time you’re whining about how much this city sucks because someone snatched your shiny iPhone from your little fingers.

• Hey, here’s an idea. Let’s ignore everything I just said and give in to fear-mongering and media-sponsored paranoia, OK? OK.

• Do you live in Recoleta, San Telmo, Constitución or Puerto Madero? Are you tired of living like a prisoner in your own home due to the ever-present menace of violent crimes and petty thefts? Well, fret no more my fellow paranoid citizen! Because some clever-minded individuals at La Nacion (your newspaper of choice, and shut up, you know I’m right) have come up with the ultimate weapon against the trigger-happy criminals that obviously await you at the turn of every corner. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… the High Risk Zone map. A comprehensive and user-friendly info-graphic that helps you avoid the many pitfalls stemming while you’re casually walking down from home to the supermarket. Turn left? Look out, there’s a Whorehouse there! Go straight? No, wait, there’s a guy selling drugs there! Running terrified while waving your arms in the air, looking for sanctuary? Quick, there’s a police station right ahead! (Although in all honesty I’m not sure the police stations on the map are there to be avoided as well). So there, it’s like playing a deadly version of Pac-Man.

• Actually if you take a closer look at that map it definitely resembles another video game classic.

• Because apparently having to use a map to avoid the many perils lurking
  

  Former president Julio A. Roca. He ate babies for breakfast. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  outside the safety of your home was not enough, due to a series of unpaid bills, electricity companies Edesur and Edenor began cutting the power of several public parks and squares throughout the City at night.  This obviously rendered your little map useless and turned many public squares into a black hole of criminal activities. Even the traditional Obelisk in downtown Buenos Aires was in the dark! Fortunately yesterday both parties came to an agreement and the power returned. At least now you get to see the face of the guy who’s robbing you.

• So you think crime and traffic in Buenos Aires are madness and want to run away from them as fast as you can? Are you longing for greener pastures, quieter streets and jollier neighbors who greet you with a tip of the hat and a smile as you’re whistling your way to work? Why not move to a smaller province like, say, Tucumán, where the air is pure and front doors are left unlocked at night? You can ride your motorbike to work every morning and BAM!

• That last bullet point was meant to illustrate that traffic sucks on a nationwide scale. It’s not just Buenos Aires. I’m confident you got the message.

• Take a look at this photo. See that massive, grey metal behemoth parked right next to the hot girl in red? Hard to miss, isn’t it? Well, not to the security officials at the Rural Society Expo in Palermo, who apparently “misplaced” it (“misplaced” as in SOMEBODY FUCKING STOLE THE THING) and now they are in hot water over it. It was like a magic trick! It was there on Monday night, then it was not. “We thought they were taking it to wash it,” a security official who seems to have graduated from the Chief Wiggum Security School for Idiots said. Nice job, you guys! Let’s hope whoever graduates from that school is never hired to remain vigilant at a more menacing place like, say, a maximum security prison. Then we’d be fucked.

• You know it’s coming, don’t you? Yeah, you’re way ahead of me on this one.

•  Take a look at this photo. See that deranged-looking criminal that totally looks like a cold-blooded killer? Hard to miss, isn’t he? Well, not to the prison guards at the maximum security prison in Florencio Varela who apparently “misplaced” him (“misplaced” as in HE FUCKING ESCAPED), and only one week after being sentenced to spend 29 years in there for murdering another man. The best part? He nonchalantly walked out of prison dressed as a woman. The media is still waiting for additional details, but don’t be surprised to learn he was also given a cake with a file hidden inside it.

• Now you understand why an Argentine remake of Prison Break would never work here? Michael Scofield would help his brother escape in like the first ten minutes of the season.

• At long last! Awesome football player and average-looking Lionel Messi has decided to branch out and expand his personal brand empire by blessing us all with the new Leo Wine, and exquisite blend featuring the taste of grapes and the aroma of a locker room.  The “Leo” wine will offer a fine stock of Malbec, Torrontés, Malbec Premium and Extra Brut, and you will be able to acquire it almost exclusively at your closest chino.

• Hey, don’t be so quick to judge! After all, Diego Maradona had several drinks named after him, like the short-lived Maradona beer, or the likely-radioactive fernet “El Diego,” which was probably taken off the market before you could even say “food poisoning.” Look at that label. Yeah, that seems legit.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And before you start reading, let me kindly suggest that you go get your news somewhere else.

No, I’m not kidding. I’m serious. Go read about something that really matters, like how your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s zodiacal sign means he/she is prone to infidelity.

Because honestly, there’s not much to read here this week. Everything you read will basically redirect you to two things: either the Malvinas/Falklands conflict or football.

And quite frankly, I think you and I have had enough of that.

So this week I had to face an impossible decision: either I didn’t write the column in order to let the Government know that this inherent lack of tomfoolery is like slamming my fired up creativity into a cold, refreshing pool of water, or I wrote it anyway and waited for the hate mail to start pouring in.

“You always talk about the same thing, man!”

You know what I mean.

So, after cogitating for some time about professionalism and respect for my loyal readers, I understandably took the high road and decided to tell you all to go fuck yourselves and go out for a beer.

So now I’m hung over and, for some reason, still writing this column even though I originally decided against it.

I was going somewhere with all this but I’ve lost my train of thought.

Thanks for nothing, readers.

This is what you need to- Oh yeah! Now I remember. Like I said, this week this column is mostly about the Malvinas and football. So there. Take it or leave it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Yes. I already used this photo a few months ago. If you have a better idea for a photo this week, you know where to write. I won't care but you know where to write. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This week saw the 30th anniversary of the end of the Malvinas/Falklands War (See? Malvinas. Told you.) and of course the bilateral acrimony between Argentina and the United Kingdom was emanating strongly from both sides of the ocean. So here’s everything that happened in a nutshell, so we can get this out of the way fast and move to other more important things, like football.

• David Cameron, that cheeky British prime minister, thought that in order to piss off the Argentines even more on the day of the anniversary, it would be a good idea to fly the Falklands’ flag on top of 10 Downing Street. Very subtle way of saying “Fuck you”, sir. Congrats. You truly are a gentleman.

• On that same day, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to New York to attend a conference at the United Nations, where the Special Committee on Decolonization regularly functions. “Regularly” of course being used ironically since in international relations the SCD is considered to be obsolete, but whatever. She spoke, she didn’t say anything new, once again asked the UK to give peace a chance and then urged the British government to engage in dialogue. Because dialogue is the only way that this will ever be solved. OK? OK. Now read the next bullet point.

• Once her speech was over, a representative of the islands’ government approached Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman and tried to hand him a letter addressed to Cristina in which he asked her to talk to them in order to discuss the islands’ sovereignty. Timerman said no. You guys didn’t think that whole dialogue bullshit was true, right? Because it’s not. Well, now the islanders are upset. Which means that there’s no possibility of a rapprochement anytime soon and I will still have to write about this stuff in the future. Fuck my life.

• Meanwhile, in the Malvinas/Falklands: the islanders, probably tired of being ignored by the international community, announced they would conduct a referendum on the islands in order to “put this sovereignty fuckery to rest once and for all.” Well, they didn’t say it like that, but that’s what they meant. So that’s great, guys! However, there’s no need to “announce” you’re gonna do it. Just do it! Considering the islands have a population of like, 12 people, you just go to the local pub and tell the parishioners to raise their hands and count. That’s it! Referendum ready.

• I’m kidding, islanders! I know you’re more than 12 people! I also know you read my weekly rants, so I’m sorry, but if everyone else falls then you don’t get to leave this column unscathed.

• This week, in non-Malvinas related news: the Interior Ministry announced the creation of a new passport that will cost 400 pesos and will include a state-of-the-art chip that Argentina hopes will persuade nations such as the US, Canada or Australia from asking citizens for a visa before they travel there. The good news is that since dollars are basically impossible to find anywhere in this country, Argentines weren’t even thinking of going there in the first place. See? Everybody happy.

• **UPDATE** The US has already replied by saying “Thanks! But no thanks.”

•  Apparently the cacerolazos are still happening, even though no one is actually aware of them. Not content with last week’s fiasco, which failed to galvanize the anti-Kirchnerite segment of the population, a few angry people decided to come out yesterday and bang their frying pans and teapots in order to demand access to their dollars protest corruption. Fortunately this time they had the help of former mayoral candidate and absolutely crazy person Guillermo Cherashny (did you click on that? You should. Want another one? Here’s another one). I’m not sure what Cherashny, a journalist who really did run for mayor of Buenos Aires, was doing there in the first place but if his protest methodologies are indication of anything, I’m certain the cacerolazos will eventually become a “thing”. After all, who could forget his You Tube video aimed at Hewlett-Packard in which he decides to take action against his laptop computer (did you click on that? You should.)?

• Also, since we are talking about protests and injustice, can anyone give this guy a hand? You see, former railway worker Luis Alberto Ninona has been indicted along with many others in the case investigating the Once railway tragedy that took the lives of 51 people last February. So understandably, Mr. Ninona is not allowed to leave the country, as he is suspected of being responsible of manslaughter. But, alas! His lawyer announced that he has all these (I assume, frequent flier) “miles” accumulated and he needs to used them before they expire for a little vacation in Punta Cana, where he’ll be sipping piña coladas for a few days only to eventually return to explain why he’s not kind of responsible for so many deaths. The prosecutor, clearly a bad person, has already said he will not let him leave Argentina for a trip with his family. Can any of you give this guy a hand? Anyone? No? Shame on you.

• Now here’s a piece of news that could be considered a semiotician’s wet dream: do you know who Richard Stallman is? Well, in case you’re too lazy to even click on that link to Wikipedia, let’s just say he’s a computer programmer who was become globally known as the leader of the “free software” movement. (also known as “people who want free shit”). You may recall reading about Mr. Stallman last year after he stirred quite a controversy when he said “he wasn’t glad Steve Jobs was dead but he was glad he was gone.” Still don’t know him? OK, never mind. Anyway, Mr. Stallman was invited to speak about free software at the UBA School of Economics last Friday and, predictably, had his personal computer, passport, medication and travel money stolen while he was giving his conference! So… karma? You know what, I take back what I said at the beginning. This week was amazingly funny.

• At long, last! After six interminable months devoid of music, dancing, and masturbatory material, the biggest TV show in the history of poor quality TV shows is back! (No, kids! I’m not talking about Ricardo Fort‘s megalomaniac extravaganza “Fort Night Show.” That one actually begins in eight days and it already looks like it’s gonna suck). I’m talking about the local version of Dancing With The Stars of course! The impressive opening last Monday, which lasted over 12 minutes, and I must admit is worth watching, featured the entire cast of Game of Thrones dancing to the tunes of Madonna, Adele, LMFAO and Michael Jackson. So it was pretty much the gayest 12-minutes in the history of television. Too bad after minute 13 it’s all downhill until December.

• By the way, if you’re not a pop culture connoisseur or you just arrived in this country and have no idea who Ricardo Fort is, let me just say that if Willy Wonka and The Situation from The Jersey Shore met at a bar one night and decided to have sex, he would be their illegitimate spawn. If you still don’t get the picture, here’s his already classic rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” which I have posted here a thousand times and will continue to post until I’m dead. Or he ‘s dead. Whichever comes first.

• Also, in unrelated news but somehow totally related: for months this image went viral on every social network last year, saying that every time you start watching Dancing With The Stars (hosted by Marcelo Tinelli) a book kills itself. So in some kind of poetic -yet depressing- twist of fate, last Monday night at 3:30 am and only a few hours after the Dancing With The Stars premiere was over, a water pipe in the Library of the City Legislature “mysteriously” broke and destroyed more than 13,000 invaluable books forever.

• Horror! For the first time in its 142 years, and in order to further perpetuate the notion (well… your notion) that this country is turning into North Korea, your favorite newspaper in the whole world (La Nación) failed to reach the newsstands due to a union conflict (workers demanding better salaries). So no, this time it wasn’t the Government trying to destroy free speech. Next week maybe, but not this time.

• This week saw the death of yet another singer you couldn’t care less about, this time was Memphis La Blusera‘s Adrian Otero. Since I know that you didn’t care about Estela Raval’s death last week and you don’t care about Otero’s death this week, let’s just be practical and move on. Sorry, everyone. There’s just no point in any of this.

• The reckless endangerment in this country continues, this time in the so-called “Poncho Rally (?)” in Catamarca. The good news is that, even though the driver could have killed dozens of bystanders that were casually standing on the side of the road, this time the only one getting kind of killed is him.

• Don’t worry, I said “kind of killed,” not “killed”. You can laugh without feeling any guilt.

• As signs of an impending zombie apocalypse continue to surface all over the world, a widow in Buenos Aires seems to have fully embraced the concept and decided to pimp the crypt in which her late husband is buried. She even has cable TV and everything! Now don’t laugh. Necrophilia is in this year. Don’t you watch True Blood? It’s basically a show about dead people fucking each other and so far I haven’t heard a qualm. It’s 2012, get over it.

• Shocking! The very aptly named “Happy Planet Index” shows that on the list of happiest countries on Earth, Argentina comes No. 17! You guys, that’s awesome! See? I told you those cacerolazos were nonsense. Everyone is happy here! Now, I have no idea how this is measured, how rigorous these studies are or how much bullshit factor is involved (not because I couldn’t find it, it’s all right there on the website. I just couldn’t be bothered to look it up). All I know is that if you live in the US, Mongolia or some landlocked African nation, chances are you are pretty pissed off right now.

• That cute little alpine town at the end of the world that you love so much (Ushuaia) is seemingly entering the Ice Age once again. Tierra del Fuego authorities reported that only last week it had already snowed half of what they would usually get in an entire season! People had to be evacuated and roads were closed, leaving the town completely isolated from the rest of the world. I’m not willing to bet on it, but I’m sure the people from the Happy Planet Index did not go all the way down there to ask how things were doing. Just saying.

• This week, in sports that I hate: Argentine football continues to
  

  Football. I fucking hate it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  spiral down into utter chaos while I rub my hands in delight at the prospect of seeing that ignominious sport cancelled or constitutionally banned for good. Let’s read about it, shall we?

• River Plate is fucked. No, for real this time. As if last year’s relegation to the National B had not been enough, 2012 seems to be slapping fans in the face with a sledgehammer. Last Sunday, before a match between River Plate and some team named Boca Unidos that at first I thought it was Boca Juniors but then I realized it was not, two of River’s hooligan factions clashed inside the stadium, leaving one of them dead. That’s right, these guys are killing each other and they even root for the same team! The murderer was arrested today in Mendoza. So smart, these guys.

• **UPDATE** The internet peoples have kindly pointed out that, contrary to what the local media initially said, the stab victim was  actually not a member of a hooligan faction. He was just a fan. Now, since I usually don’t give a shit about football I would have let it slide, but in this case we’re talking about someone’s death and this information had to be corrected.

• As rumors that the River Plate stadium could be shut down due to the murder were abound, a new controversy exploded this week after a player from the ignotus (at least for me) team Patronato de Paraná or something like that casually dropped during a press conference that River Plate authorities had offered them “incentives” (i.e. bribes) to win a match against Rosario Central for some reason. The nationwide outrage was immediate and now, if the accusations are proven true, River Plate could be facing a 4-month to 2-year suspension from all football activities. Oh, come on guys. That wouldn’t be so bad! I mean, there’s always tennis.

• A game between Gimnasia de la Plata and Ferro had to be suspended after someone, who I swear to God was not me but totally could have been, called in a bomb threat.

• Yeah, sorry. No Wikipedia links to Gimnasia de la Plata or Ferro. Oh, they do exist. I just didn’t care to do it.

• Diego Maradona, whose opinion for some reason that escapes logic still matters, felt compelled to intervene in Argentina’s favorite pastime: insulting Lionel Messi.  ”If people here keep making his life miserable here, Messi is going to stay there (Spain) and never come back to Argentina,” he said. Haha! Maradona, you silly. What makes you think he ever wants to come back in the first place? You’re funny. You’re a funny guy. Why don’t you go back to winning trophies instead of talking about stuff no one cares about? Oh, that’s right.

• Last but not least: remember a couple of weeks ago when Frankenstein led a hooligan protest against the head of the Independiente club after he launched his own personal crusade to diminish the power of those deranged football fanatics? Well, he’s back! And this time, the man who goes by the non-threatening sobriquet “Bebote” (Big baby), may not be wearing a Frankenstein mask, but chose an equally intimidating fashion item: the pibe chorro hoodie. Not only that, he tried to face the bellwether president of the club, Javier Cantero, outside his club at night while the TV cameras were rolling. The result is scary and hilarious at the same time.

• So here I am, cigar in one hand, glass of port in the other, as I watch the world of Argentine football collapse upon its own gravity, like a decadent black hole struggling to survive its unavoidable fate while ravaging everything on its path. And I couldn’t be more ecstatic.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday and it’s a national holiday again!

One of the many that you love so much because you get to enjoy an extra day of doing nothing!

Now, I could start one of my never ending diatribes about how you should know that this is a very important holiday for Argentina and that it’s more than just little white and blue flags on the car’s roof, but in all honesty I’m tired and I have writer’s block.

Here’s a link to the May Revolution, which took place exactly 202 years ago. I know you won’t read it, but in case you have an epiphany and decide you want to learn more about the country you live in, there it is.

Now put down your mate (or 5 pm beer), grab some hot chocolate and churros and celebrate like it’s 1809.

Oh, and like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook and share it with your friends! If we reach 1000 soon, we’re throwing a party at my place.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Former Colombian president Álvaro Uribe was close to being non-assassinated this week. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  EVERYBODY PANIC!!! Because apparently not enough shit goes down here every week, you can now add “attempted political assassination” to the long list of shenanigans taking place in this country. As former Colombian president Álvaro Uribe, considered by many a Latin American mirror image of George W. Bush, readied to give a speech at a leadership conference in the Gran Rex theater this week, a maintenance man working on the venue’s third floor came across two bombs that had been concealed carefully behind a lamp and had been rigged to explode at 4:30 pm on Wednesday, when Uribe’s speech was supposed to be taking place. After a bomb squad defused both explosives, flamboyantly fierce Federal Judge Norberto Oyarbide showed up at the scene to make a scene and engaged in an endless soliloquy filled with over-the-top drama-queenism, explaining that had these bombs gone off not only they would have killed thousands of people but would have also hindered Argentina’s image around the world. The incident was immediately echoed by the world’s largest media outlets, from CNN to Reuters, from The Telegraph to Al Jazeera, and Buenos Aires was once again center stage on the world chalkboard.

• NO, WAIT. NO ONE PANIC. False alarm, everyone! Turns out it was actually just firecrackers! It seems that someone fucked up big time and confused what is commonly known here as bomba de estruendo (a loud firecracker usually set off by mischievous kids during New Year’s Eve and braindead hooligans during their favorite football game) with an Al Qaeda incendiary device, automatically ridiculing the entire police force before the eyes of the world for crying wolf when what they had found was actually a lamb. “It appears the whole plan was to startle the audience, but the bomb had no destructive power,” said the Federal Police, contradicting Oyarbide’s previous elaborate ramblings.  ”Well, it appears it was nothing more than a stink bomb,” the judge said annoyingly at a press conference later and worried that this whole fiasco had affected his reputation. Oh, judge. You Tube has you singing cuarteto (while probably inebriated) with La Mona Jimenez. Trust me, no one cares about this.

• EVERYBODY PANIC!!! The UK is apparently keen on blowing us all up and has deployed a nuclear submarine to the South Atlantic to protect the Malvinas/Falklands from Argentina’s invasion back in 1982, sensationalist newspaper The Sun says. And these guys illegally hack phones. Believe me, they know their shit. So something so terrifying and politically convenient for both nations has got to be true. Also, the local press has made sure that you understand it is a NUCLEAR submarine. You know, as in “nuclear” bomb. *wink, wink*
• NO, WAIT. NO ONE PANIC.  It’s called a nuclear submarine because it is nuclear-powered, not because it carries nuclear weapons. The local media, clearly disappointed by the lack of imminent terror, found another way to scare us all and started focusing on the destructive power of its tomahawk missiles. I guess their point is that the British are trying to kill us all.

• Also, I’m intrigued about this Argentine guy who will attempt to “symbolically” unite Argentina with the islands by swimming all the way from mainland to Port Stanley (or, as the Twitter nitpickers just told me: “He’s actually going to swim from island to island, you idiot!”). My question is: what happens when he reaches shore? I’m not sure the islanders will be very thrilled to see that Argentines are disembarking at their beaches now. Would that be considered an invasion? Would shooting him be a viable option? Would this be an excuse for the nuclear sub to fire upon us? This thing has “international incident” written all over it. Whatever, more stuff for me to write about. Although in his defense, he says he intends to use this as an opportunity to unite the islanders with the Argentines. So kudos to him for being a lot more well versed in diplomacy than the local Government.

• In order to perpetuate the cognitive dissonance currently affecting the Argentine political arena, annoying journalist and de facto leader of the opposition Jorge Lanata traveled to Angola last week and cornered Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman during a press conference, asking him how it was possible that the Kirchnerite government, a Human Rights champion, was willing to do business with the Angolan government, greatly denounced for its human rights violations. Timerman, clearly blindsided by the gotcha question was fuming and barely managed to escape the press conference alive. I’m sure that swimmer I was talking about before would have handled the situation ten times better.

• Vice-President Amado Boudou just clearly doesn’t give a shit about anything anymore.

• The exchange rate of the so-called “blue” dollar (as in “black market”) reached new heights this week, even surpassing the Euro’s value. The good news is you don’t need any dollars, you don’t have any dollars and even if you did you don’t even know where the black market is. See? It all works out in the end.

• If you’re wondering why there’s an apparent lack of Cristina-related news this week, it’s because she had to take a two-day leave of absence after catching the flu.

• In totally unrelated news, this happened three weeks ago. Just saying.

• The much-feared “three-day Subte strike” was avoided in the eleventh hour when subway workers and Metrovías S.A. came to an initial agreement, effectively killing my segue and a litany of jokes that I had prepared for what was going to be a fucked up week. Thanks for ruining everything for me, jackasses.

• Remember how last week I was happy because the British had finally acknowledged that I was right and decided to create an anti-Maradona ad to piss off the entire Argentine population? They’ve done it again! And this time they actually mock the “hand of God” episode, just like I said! I guess I have more klout than I thought, which is more than the former football star can say for himself.

• EVERYBODY PANIC!!! In what probably constitutes the worst piece of gastronomic news since the Irish Great Potato Famine, I am very sorry to announce that McDonald’s and Burger King may very soon run out of french fries to sell since the McCain factory in Argentina has shut down indefinitely because of trade restrictions at the Brazilian border. Since 70% of the company’s production is exported to Brazil, over 1,500 tons of frozen fries were ruined after getting green and mossy in the back of some poorly refrigerated warehouse in some forgotten border town after they were not allowed to cross over. So in protest McCain is stopping production, which means no more fries anywhere. Or, even worse, both restaurants will close a deal with Farm Frites, the RC Cola of pre-fried french fries.

• NO, WAIT. NO ONE PANIC. The Government has intervened and vowed to find a proper place to store the fries, at least until the trade irregularities with Brazil are resolved. Phew! Close call! Can you imagine being stuck with the cherry tomatoes?! I’d rather kill myself, thank you very much.

• Hey, here’s a neat idea! Let’s organize a Classic Car Show in some town in Río Negro and then have one of the “classic” (“classic” as in “piece of shit”) vehicles drive around the block to show people standing on the sidewalk that it is, indeed, a car. Then, to fire up the crowd, let’s create an obstacle course in the middle of the street by setting up a few of those orange plastic cones so you can have the vehicles swerve and break in front of the audience with a complete disregard of any sort of safety protocols. I mean, come on! What could possibly go wrong? Oh, yeah. That.

• Move over, Phoenix Jones! There’s a new real-life superhero in town some other part of the world! Former
  

  If you're wondering what this guy is doing here, keep reading. You'll eventually find out. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  treacherous vice-president and current political pariah Julio Cobos, who as you (probably don’t) know served during Cristina’s first term and was ostracized from her Cabinet after he stabbed her in the back, is now seemingly moonlighting as a superhero! You see, Mr. Cobos was casually patrolling the streets of Mendoza this week when he spotted a Toyota Hilux rolling down the street without a driver.  Noticing that it was headed straight to a busy main avenue, where some kid named Little Timmy was probably waiting to be run over by it, Mr. Cobos didn’t hesitate and stood in front of the 1.2 ton behemoth, successfully stopping it with his bare hands and saving the day. Well, in all honesty he was helped by another man who happened to be there but no one gives a shit about him. The whole ordeal was of course picked up by the press, who lauded Cobos as the hero du jour, and was caught on video by a bystander who was absolutely not paid to be there with a video camera. Unfortunately, the camera started rolling after the heroic deed took place, so you’re pretty much stuck with footage of a couple of old geezers greeting Cobos as he exits his car (!?) and the pick up truck laying still in the back. I guess we’ll just have to take his word for it. Stay tuned, next week Mr. Cobos saves Little Timmy after he falls in a well and/or is caught in a fire at the old mill.

• Mark your calendar kids! This week Congress passed a bill creating yet another national holiday, but don’t get so excited because it’s one of the lame ones (meaning it’s just a one time thing). In order to commemorate the 200th. anniversary of some battle of historical significance that you just didn’t click on in order to find out more about it, lawmakers decided that next February 3rd will be a national holiday. Yay, government!

• Also, I was so certain that you wouldn’t click on it that if you do, you get rickrolled. Go on, give it a try! And for you nerds complaining that you didn’t get to read about the actual battle, here is the correct link to the Battle of San Lorenzo.

• I know you didn’t click on that one either. Just saying.

• I feel like I say this almost every month so the joke may be getting old, but City Hall has authorized cab drivers in Capital to raise their fare rates yet again. Come October, you will be paying 91 cents for every 200 meters (you currently pay 73 cents every two blocks). So let’s take a look at the current state of mass transit: taxis are for the rich, trains are deadly, the subways are about to go out of business and your bikes get stolen on a regular basis (I would have also included “cars” on the list, but let’s face it, you don’t own one). Right now buses are your last chance to get somewhere in the city, and who knows how long we have until a single bus ride goes up to $4. Once that happens, I guess it’s time to go back to whatever country you come from.

• EVERYONE PANIC (for real this time)!!! The gates of hell have been opened and the unthinkable has happened. After several football clubs vaguely suggested that they had had enough of the barrabrava (hooligan) savagery, the fanatics reacted in accordance to their  nature and began sending death threats to everyone in their path. And that’s the most peaceful reaction they could come up with! In just one week, they:

• Held Racing Club‘s Giovanni Moreno at gunpoint for over 40 minutes and ordered him to win next Sunday’s game.

• Forced the vice-president of Independiente, Claudio Keblaitis, to take a 3-month leave of absence after they sent him a note warning him that they would shoot him in the head if his club stopped giving them money.

• Intercepted the bus carrying the Instituto team after a defeat and warned them that if they kept losing, all the players would be shot and killed. 

• Threatened the board of the River Plate Club, relegated last year to the National B, by sending them messages that read “Take us back to the First Division or die.”

• Forced the Government to jump in and say that if the violence doesn’t stop, they will have to resort to much more drastic measures, such as suspending all games and tournaments in the country indefinitely.

• Threatened to atta…- Wait. Hold on a second. No football?! AT ALL?! INDEFINITELY?! AND WITH SOME HOPE, FOREVER?!?! OH MY GOD!!

• And finally, my favorite moment of the week: While the leader of Independiente continued to wage his holy crusade against the club’s hooligans and tension kept rising, those mindless neanderthals decided to converge at the entrance of the club to vehemently condemn those who condemn them for being a bunch of sociopaths.  As the protest grew larger and the media showed up, the not-so-aloof head of the hooligans, Mr. Frankenstein (no, seriously) cornered one of the club’s directors against a wall urging him to reconsider their “confrontational” position. No, I’m not kidding! The head of the Independiente hooligans is Frankenstein. Here, see for yourself. Also please look at the face of the club’s representative, who is forced to engage in a serious dialogue with him in front of the cameras.

• And yes, I do know that the correct name for that character is Frankenstein’s Monster, since in the original Mary Shelley story, which I’m sure you didn’t read, “Frankenstein” is not the creature but the name of the doctor who creates the creature. Whatever, man. I’m not responsible for the character symbiosis and I don’t dictate the rules of pop culture. So shut up, even though you probably didn’t say anything.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

Oh, it’s Friday alright.

And today’s edition of the Weekly News Roundup is particularly fat and juicy, so let’s get down to business fast.

First things first: after thousands and thousands of annoying emails from you, my loyal readers, urging me to create a Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can be even lazier every Friday and find this column in one click instead of three, guess what… Here it is! Now you better like it a thousand times and share it on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and Friendster or else.

Also, if so much shit keeps going down every week in this country, I’m either gonna need an intern or a pacemaker.

Since the intern is pretty unlikely, I guess I’m fucked.

This is what you need to know before I have a stroke:

• 

  Probably for the first time in its history, Argentina had a president that was only in power for a few hours due to reasons not related to a coup d'état or a horrible economic crisis. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  On Wednesday, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to Angola, a country that you know is in Africa but that’s pretty much all you know about it (What’s the capital of Angola? See? I told you) to promote bilateral trade - or so she says. Since our favorite Vice-President, mischievous Amado Boudou was in Switzerland receiving an award from the UIT – or so he says – it was up to the third person in line, Provisional Head of the Senate Beatriz Rojkés de Alperovich to step up to the challenge and become acting President, at least until any of the other two came back. Beatriz, a gaffe-prone politician known for accidentally voting in favor of creating a special bicameral committee to investigate Boudou (she was supposed to vote against it) was never even given a chance to speak, just in case she accidentally declared war with the UK. I’m telling you, you can’t even make this whole thing up. It’s like living in an endless sitcom.

• Meanwhile, in Angola… THIS.

• Speaking of Vice-President Amado Boudou, the poor man (I say “poor man” figuratively) can’t catch a break. Not only he’s being investigated of influence peddling, now he has also being accused of being part of an illegal enrichment scheme along with his red-hot temptress of a girlfriend.

• But if you think that it’s only the Kirchnerite realm that is in deep shit, you are  dead wrong. Opposition leader by default and Buenos Aires Mayor by accident Mauricio Macri is still being investigated for allegedly authorizing the illegal wiretapping and surveillance of private citizens. Since the case is headed to trial, Macri is expected to take the stand and be questioned by the prosecution.

•  But as his Nixonian nightmare continues to develop, Mayor Macri doesn’t care. This week he was busy awarding universally reviled Guatemalan singer Ricardo Arjona with one of those ugly-looking tiles that are being scattered throughout the city in a poor attempt to imitate the Hollywood Walk of Fame. That’s how much he cares about this whole espionage scandal. Macri is badass. Just like the honey badger, Mayor Macri don’t care. Mayor Macri don’t give a shit.

• Meanwhile in Angola… THIS. Government officials regaled barefoot Angolan kids with socks reading “Clarín lies.” This is conceptually so fucked up that I couldn’t even come up with a joke. Sorry.

• Last Sunday brought another edition of Periodismo Para Todos, an infotainment show hosted by serial smoker and controversial journalist Jorge Lanata that has become the de facto leader of the political opposition. Whatever new “scandal” Lanata hits Cristina with, we know that the opposition will bite on it and parrot it for days until whatever new controversy arises.  This week his show focused on how Cristina hates to give press conferences (she’s only given a few during her presidency and when she does she is very aggressive towards any reporters who are ideologically different), and featured a surprise appearance by dozens of prominent journalists who chanted in unison “Queremos preguntar!” (“We want to ask questions”). Once the impromptu Greek chorus settled down, Lanata gave his guests a chance to address the President directly on live television and ask her the questions that they are not able to ask to her face. Just imagine, so many things! Inflation! Corruption! The dollar! Rising insecurity! So Argentine TV and radio legend Fernando Bravo, who doesn’t have a Wikipedia page in English so I guess he’s not that much of a legend, was the one chosen to unleash the blitz first because of his sharp tongue and acute political savvy.  As the crowd went silent and the entire country sat on the edge of their seat in horror, petrified by his imminent words, Lanata approached the microphone and said: “Fernando, what would you like to ask?” And then Fernando had an “I like turtles” moment and said “Uhm, I’d like to ask the President… what does she think about this show we’re doing?” (00:44 mark). Everyone’s jaws automatically dislocated in disbelief due to the resounding stupidity of his question, and because just like that he had fucked up the entire momentum of the segment. You can even hear a few subtle chuckles by his colleagues in the back! Are you still wondering why journalism is dying?

• Oh, and by the way: if you don’t know what an “I like turtles!” moment is, click here to watch where it comes from.

• Since this week I’ve been asked to death about what I think is going to happen with the dollar, let me tell you: First, fuck you, I’m not an economist. Second: read this CNBC article that explains it pretty clearly and leave me alone.

• Oops! You know how we’re always complaining about inflation but the Government says there’s no inflation, only “price dispersion“? (You didn’t click on that link, did you? Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have either). Well, as it turns out, a group of renegade employees (or as I’ll call them: “traitors”) working for the official inflation-measuring agency INDEC decided to come clean and release the list of prices used to calculate the country’s Consumer Price Index, revealing that the figures reflect prices from 2008. Now let’s just sit and wait for the Government to accuse these men of blasphemy and explain that their numbers are cooked while assuring that according to INDEC calculations we’re indeed living in 2008, not 2012.

• As I’m sure you probably know, subway workers went on an insane 36-hour strike this week that turned traffic into one citywide clusterfuck. The reason for the strike, as I’ve stated here before, is that the Subte is in legal limbo. It’s bleeding money.  A lot of money. So neither City Hall nor the National Government want to deal with it, and it’s been like that for several months now, you know the story. Plus, employees are asking for higher salaries and the company says there is no money left. So how were we, common peasants, supposed to go to work? Fret not, my fellow reader! Fortunately for you, your favorite newspaper in the whole world La Nación was there to save the day with their drama-queen headline “How to survive 36 hours without the Subte“, which was later changed to sound less apocalyptic. The article boasts some clever, mind-blowing tips to get from Point A to Point B, such as “walking” or “taking a bus.” Also, in some clear attempt to think outside of the box, it also suggests “taking a taxi” or in some extreme cases, “riding a bike.” I smell a Pulitzer!

• No, really. Are you still wondering why journalism is dying?

• Also, when I refer to La Nación as ”your favorite” Spanish-based newspaper, I mean it. I know you people are obsessed with it. I see you there “liking” it on Facebook and posting every meaningless article they put up on your timeline like there’s nothing else to read. Which means you totally dismissed my advice suggesting your read all newspapers in the country and you’ve greatly disappointed me. Now go to your room.

• And I don’t mean to freak you out but since the union conflicts within the Subte continue, workers have announced a three-day strike next week, which means they will close on Monday night and reopen on Friday morning. Oh, it’s gonna be a fun week.

•  Remember how last week I lashed at the British for making that lame, lame Olympic ad spoof that “laughed”  at the Argentine proclivity to be late? Guess what. This week, all is forgiven! Even better: it appears they actually took my advice and came up not only with a technically and visually superb ad, but they also made fun of Diego Maradona! Sure, the Carlsberg beer ad glorifies and potentially exacerbates the concept of hooliganism. But who cares about all that when you get to see Diego Maradona mopping the floors for a fraction of a second wearing the t-shirt of the Argentine football team? Certainly not me. Enjoy the ad.

• This week in gay: Finally! City Hall has decided to allow gay foreigners get married in the city of Buenos Aires. It seems that Mayor Macri’s views on gay marriage “evolved” just like Obama’s last week. More gay news coming up after this.

• Not content with its already flamboyantly gay name, Harrod’s Buenos Aires, that abandoned black hole sitting close to the intersection of Florida and Cordoba that has remained vacant for decades since it went broke forever ago, is apparently making a comeback. Well, not only a comeback. A gay comeback! (See? I told you it was about gay news). That’s right. The project to reopen Harrod’s, estimated at 40 million dollars, is aimed at “the gay segment of the population” which is kind of an overstatement considering nothing in this world is gayer than a shopping mall. Maybe a football game, but that’s another story. Congratulations, gays! You know you’ve finally reached equality when capitalism begins targeting your demographic for financial exploitation.

• Despite the popular belief that the New Kids on the Block were all dead, apparently they are kind of alive and for some reason they are coming to Argentina next month. It seems that even though they are neither new nor kids, they have some pretty solid fan base here. So in case you’re planning on going to see them promote their unpronounceable album, here is a link to the site where you can buy the tickets.

• I know. I’m not going either but whatever. It’s courtesy.

• I’m sure by now we’ve all lost count of how many spin-offs the Argentine version of Dancing With the Stars (in Spanish, Bailando por un Sueño, or “Dancing For a Dream”) has spawned in the last few years. But as Singing With the Stars approaches its premiere date, producers are trying to milk that cow in every way possible. So now there’s this show aptly named Soñando por Cantar (Dreaming to Sing… barf), a mixture of American Idol and something else that I’m having trouble identifying. So contestants go on stage and embarrass themselves for a few minutes and stuff. No, seriously. In a nutshell, that’s pretty much the concept of the show. And this week, this girl was on stage and was asked to perform Whitney Houston‘s unforgettable “I Will Always Love you“. Unfortunately not only she agreed to channel her inner Whitney, she also totally butchered the song by singing in Spanish and completely off key. Ms. Houston, who was probably already spinning in her grave due to this, seems to have said “enough of this bullshit” and ghost-punched her in the face to end this postmortem debauchery once and for all. The result is, of course, hilarious.

• That’s  OK, take your time to laugh. There’s no rush.

• OK, this is a football one with lots of plot twists and names so chances are
  

  Lesson learned: don't piss off dead Whitney. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  I’m gonna fuck up big time. But fear not, because all that matters is the hilarious video at the end. Ricardo Caruso Lombardi is the current coach of a team named San Lorenzo. People tell me it’s a fairly popular team (I’m already lost but I’ll keep going). Caruso Lombardi is fairly new to San Lorenzo, since he was brought in to replace the former coach, Leonardo Madelón. The Madelón years were, according to football historians, pretty forgettable. In fact, he began coaching last November and was fired in April after five months of poor performances. I’m not sure what befell Madelón after his resignation but I’m pretty sure he’s dead. Or at least he’s been banished from the kingdom. I don’t know, some friends were explaining the whole thing to me but Family Guy was on and I find it really hard to retain any football-related data so I may not have all the information  that you need. The thing is Madelón is gone, that’s for sure. Maybe dead, too. But anyway, last Monday afternoon Caruso Lombardi was a guest at some football TV show and, alas, he spoke ill of his (dead?) predecessor’s performance. Naturally, the predecessor’s minions (or “field assistants”) were not amused by his lack of decorum and principles and decided to go wait for him outside the TV station to discuss the matter like grown up gentlemen. Or, in other words, beat the shit out of him.

• The cop trying to separate the two of them while sexting his girlfriend at the 00:41 mark is one of the best things I’ve seen in my entire life.

• And finally! I never thought I would ever write the words “Obama” and “Boca Juniors” in the same paragraph, but here it is. This week Barack Obama was driving around Washington DC with his posse and decided to go get some food. He entered some random joint, got his sandwiches, paid, met with the owners a few minutes and left. Now, if you’re wondering why this was plastered all over the newspapers, computer screens and discussed ad nauseum in every social and TV network, it is because the guy behind the counter was wearing a Boca Juniors t-shirt!! Not only that, Obama said that the t-shirt had “beautiful colors”! Oh my God, you guys!!!!!! This was enough to make all Boca fans around to world to join in a collective orgasm and miraculously start praising Obama for being the best president in like, ever. It was also featured here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

• And of course, minutes later the restaurant owner had his fifteen minutes of fame after Clarín published his mandatory “Who is…?” profile.  He likes to sell choripanes, people! Thank God for that piece of information. My life is now complete.

• For the last time, are you still wondering why journalism is dying? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Stepping off a busy Monserrat street into an elegant lobby, gliding across clean marble floor, past men in suits and manicured ladies sipping champagne, you feel a million miles away from the gritty La Boca neighbourhood. But, this is the new Boca Juniors Hotel: a US$25 million, five-star hotel, which opened last week and claims to be the first football-themed hotel in the whole world.

Hotel Boca

The 7-floor, 85-room hotel is based on Boca Juniors Football Club, evident in the ever-present blue and yellow team colours, which run throughout the hotel, from the pillows to the swimming pool tiles. It’s not the most flattering colour lay out in my view, but if you’re a Boca fan, it gives you the chance to bask in your team’s colours everywhere.

Fans can also enjoy the Boca ‘bubbles’ – semi circular tubes displaying Boca paraphernalia – found in the main hallways on each floor, while each bedroom TV has a Boca channel, telling you everything you could ever want to know about the club.

Down in the bar, five parallel screens show the infamous Boca fans filling up the Estadio Alberto J. Armando (or ‘La Bombonera’), insanely cheering their team on, jumping as one quite unsettlingly like an organ, then clearing out again – matchday at the Boca club all speeded up. This scene is played over an over again while the clients of the five-star, US$155-$600 a night hotel sip their cosmopolitans: it makes you wonder how many of the fans on the screen could stay at this hotel.

Aside from that… it’s just a normal top range hotel. It’s accessible and smart; you don’t have to be a Boca fan to enjoy it. There’s nothing particularly spectacular about the hotel either, aside from the truly beautiful architecture, which is worth a visit alone.

Designed by award-winning Uruguayan architect Carlos Ott, whose previous projects include the MALBA museum, the Opéra Bastille in Paris, and Wenzhou Grand Theatre in China, Hotel Boca carries his very distinctive style. Contrasting futuristic curves and straight, clean parallel lines, it wouldn’t look out of place in Dubai, and standing out amongst the Microcentro skyline, it clearly aims to make a statement.

Inside, the bar is small and well stocked. If you sit in the corner, you can look up through the glass ceiling at all the healthy people in the gym and smugly carry on sipping your drink. If relaxing is more your thing, just beyond the gym is an indoor swimming pool, sauna, steam-room, and spa.

The rooms are minimalist chic, with white and beige muted furniture and décor – as a football hotel, it’s not really what’s expected. Notable extras are the Nespresso coffee maker, tea menu, and a DVD menu (for when you get bored of the reading facts on the Boca channel).

A room with a view in Hotel Boca (courtesy Hotel Boca)

The hotel rooms on the higher floors are really worth the extra lift ride, however, as the glass windows reaching floor to ceiling gives a pretty good view over the city. I lie, the view is absolutely amazing. This is one of the real perks of the hotel, where the central position means, day or night, the cityscape is there for your own personal pleasure. This view can enjoyed lying on your bed, sitting in the comfy sofa seats, and even in the bath.

Overall, it’s a really nice, fancy hotel, and it’s possible to get a room without an extortionate price tag – although I would say it’s probably more higher-end four star than a full five star lodging. Being a football hotel, it could have been a hell of a lot tackier, though the football players painted in full Grecian god-like glory on the each bedroom door is a bit much for me. But then again, for others, calling home to boast that you’re “in the Diego Maradona suite” might be the highlight of staying.

It’s Friday (the 13th) again!

And while we’re all horrified by the lack of cup sleeves at the local Starbucks because of import restrictions, at least your friendly (and not-so-friendly) emails put a smile on my face.

Let’s take a look at this week’s submissions, shall we?

• “Friday wasn’t just a guy in Robinson Crusoe.” – Steven L.

• “Facepalm Fridays!” – Agustín C.

• “Your weekly dose of basic, dumbed down knowledge is here!” – Kate A.

• And a special mention for Gaspar C., whose submission didn’t really qualify as an opener because it’s an image, but made me laugh out loud when he closed his message with: “Kiss my ass if you don’t like it.”

Alright, no more fucking around. This is what you need to know:

• 

  You're probably wondering why there's a photo of a choripán vendor here. Now, now, don't be anxious. Keep reading and you'll understand. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Phew, man! It’s a good thing that the whole Malvinas/Falklands debacle has quietly faded into the night, because now we’re at war with Spain. That’s right, first the United Kingdom and now Spain! It’s the 1800′s all over again! Because… you know what happened in the 1800′s right?  RIGHT?! Seriously, I don’t even know why I keep trying with you. It wouldn’t kill you to learn at least some BASIC Argentine history! This is where you’re living, after all! OK, cue the elevator music from this episode of The Simpsons because you’ve got some Wikipedia to read. First, in 1806, the British army invaded the Spanish colonies located in the Rio de la Plata region, waaaaaaay before they were called “Argentina.” Well, actually just four years. Then, for some reason that I’m sure is clearly described in that Wikipedia article that I just linked this to, the British army lost and went back to whatever country they came from. But then, in 1810, the Argentines all decided they didn’t want to be a part of Spain any more and hence the War of Independence came.  (Spoiler alert: Argentina won).

• There, now you understand the joke. Too bad that having to explain it totally kills the mood and now it’s not funny anymore.

• But I digress. Where was I? Right. War with Spain. Well, the thing is that Argentina is pissed with Repsol YPF, a Spanish oil company that holds a large part of its assets in Argentina after it bought local oil producer YPF in 1999. Apparently the Fernández de Kirchner administration is upset because the company is not investing enough in local exploration and exploitation, so they are threatening with nationalization.  Spain, my home country, is going through a lot of shit right now so it’s not time to lose more money. Their response? WAR!! Well, maybe not war but they’re angry. Let’s just hope I don’t get deported or locked up as a prisoner of war.

• But hey, not all is dark on the horizon. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner yesterday announced that very soon the delicious Swiss Milka chocolates (which are anything but Swiss since until now they were being manufactured in Brazil and belong to global Kraft Foods, Inc.) will be manufactured in Argentina.  See? There’s always a silver lining for everything. You just need to keep it positive.

• As thousands of people in the City and the Greater Buenos Aires areas were still trying to recover physically and mentally from the unexpected attack of what scientists later confirmed was a pseudo-tornado, Mayor Mauricio Macri went missing last week. Literally. No one had any idea of where he was! As his Cabinet was trying to deal with the aftermath of one of the worst storms to hit Buenos Aires in like, ever, Macri was MIA. #DondeestaMacri was the No.1 Trending Topic on Twitter, and the scandal spawned an endless string of internet memes that went from Where’s Waldo? to Missing Children spoofs. After a few days of despair, anxiety (and excitement, maybe) Macri reappeared safe and sound. Turns out he was just vacationing in San Martín de los Andes! And that is a totally fair excuse, come on everyone. It was only 17 people who died. To cut your holidays short you need at least fifty! That is why it was perfectly correct to be outraged about Cristina’s disappearance after the Once railway tragedy (51 died) but not OK to yell at Macri over this one. Coherence, people!

• This week, in News You Couldn’t Care Less About: The embezzlement case against Vice-President Amado Boudou is seemingly spiraling out of control and has already claimed its first political victim. Prosecutor-General Esteban Righi has tendered his resignation. Now that we’ve cleared that out of the way, let’s move on to happier, less concentration-demanding news.

• In what could probably be considered the worst on-off relationship since Ross and Rachel, US president Barack Obama has once again asked to meet privately with Cristina when they both cross paths in Colombia this Saturday to attend the Summit of the Americas. We still don’t know what he wants to talk about, but considering that our favorite deranged-yet-adorable Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez will also be attending the summit, I can totally see the three of them running around the hotel at night, causing mischief and dealing with double entendres in front of the Secret Service. Then when Obama questions Cristina for engaging in “shady businesses” with Chávez for so many years, she can always argue that they were on a break.

• If you’re still trying to get that joke, clearly you didn’t watch enough television in the 90′s. Don’t blame me for such a cryptic pop culture reference. This is totally your fault.

• [UPDATE] Unfortunately President Hugo Chávez couldn’t attend the Summit due to health-related issues. But hey, at least we got this, which is ten times better.

• Now, this story may sound like a joke but I swear to God it’s not. Córdoba city, that beautiful, progressive, always-sunny, expat-friendly place has decided they’re not gonna take it anymore and finally banned the selling of Choripan during the day. That’s right, people. If you are a choripán vendor in Córdoba (chances are you aren’t), you will only be able to sell them to drunk, overdosed teenagers trying to detox their bodies from the liters of fernet poisoning their blood by absorbing pounds of disgusting, bacteria-infested fat in the middle of the night. The funniest thing is that no one is really sure as to why the Córdoba legislature voted in favor of such a ridiculous piece of legislation. So there. No more choripán for you.

• Oh, please! Stop shaking your head, as if things like that didn’t happen in your home country (I’m looking at you specially, American readers. Don’t make me embarrass you by showing this to people. And yes, that is an actual law).

• [UPDATE] After billions of angry citizens threatened to democratically assassinate all Córdoba lawmakers if they didn’t “release the choripanes,” the city’s Legislature has agreed that vendors will be able to sell them during the day, but they will need a special permit for that. The reason for the ban is that last week the Córdoba Health services shut down two choripán stands after they were found to be infested with rats. So there. Fancy a choripán now?

• You’re still listening to that “Land of Chocolate” music, aren’t you? You
  

  I don't know who this person is. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  were supposed to turn it off minutes ago. Just saying.

• Great news, people addicted to prostitution! A City court has decided that having a Zona Roja (Red Zone) in the Bosques de Palermo area is absolutely legal.  Defined by some as “a mined field of used condoms,” the Zona Roja is a place for the whole family. During the day, the children get to run around the park while mommy spreads a blanket on the grass. During the night, daddy shows up and spreads the legs of a prostitute while he smokes some grass. So remember that next time you head over to El Rosedal to work on your abs. That thing stuck on your hair may not be a balloon.

• Remember a couple of weeks ago when a guy killed himself in Plaza Francia, right in front of the children? Well, this week another guy with suicidal tendencies decided it would be a good idea to cut his veins in Plaza de Mayo. The good news is the police persuaded him not to do it, much to the chagrin of the bystanders who were totally hoping for the blood to start splattering their faces, as you can see in this video.  So, wanna bet which is going to be the next plaza ruined by a weapon-wielding maniac? My money is on Parque Las Heras. There’s just so much happiness in that place, it’s disgusting.

• If you’re still shaking your torches and pitchforks in the air over the price of Yerba Mate, then I have some good news for you. The President has warned that if producers don’t lower the price of the much-coveted product, she will have no choice but to enact the Supply Law, a law passed in 1973 that establishes that producers who speculate with essential goods could be fined or even arrested. Like I said last week, I don’t like mate so I really don’t care if you’re going through yerba mate withdrawal. But good news for you, I suppose.

• A premature baby in Chaco made the news around the world this week when, 12 hours after being declared stillborn, she was found alive in the morgue by her mother. It is still unclear how five different doctors who checked the baby failed to notice she was breathing, but fortunately they have all been suspended and there is an ongoing investigation. Since yesterday, according to the local media, the “miracle baby” is not doing so good. So fingers crossed for you, little girl.

• This week, in “the football”: Diego Maradona (who else) said Pelé was “stupid” because he said Neymar (I don’t know who that is) is a better football player than Lionel Messi (I do know who that is but don’t hold it against me). And yes, that is all I have to say about football this week. If you are looking for information on matches, and tournaments, and stuff you’ve come to the wrong place, my friend.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono