It’s Friday again!

And I’m away for the weekend but as rumors of a possible coup continue to spread like gasoline, here I am writing this for you in order to bring you peace of mind.

God, I hate you.

Like us on Facebook and forgive any possible typos. I wrote this while riding a tour bus.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  This frigate, ironically named "Libertad," has been impounded by the Ghanaian government. I know, right? I honestly thought it was "Ghanan," but no, it's totally "Ghanaian." (Photo/Wikipedia)

  It’s a coup! It’s not a coup! It’s a coup, maybe! In case you haven’t been paying attention to the most important news of the week (shame on you), two branches of the armed forces are up in arms against the National Government and trust me, it ain’t pretty. The whole thing started on Tuesday when members of the Coast Guard (in Spanish, Prefectura Naval) decided to start protesting against the recent signing of a presidential decree that pretty much cut their salaries in half. The sight of men in military uniform standing up against the President is obviously not a pretty one, specially since it brings back memories from a past no one here wants to revisit (for all you low-information readers, I’m talking about this), but as usual, both sides of the political spectrum have been using the conflict to try and score a few political points:

• Pro-Government factions: “It’s a coup! Oh, my God, the armed forces are rising against our hard-earned democracy and are trying to topple our dear leaders!”

• Anti-Government factions: “It’s a legitimate protest by hard workers who are being exploited by the National Government.”

• The truth? Their protest is legitimate, their methodology is not. The leader of the Grandmothers of the Plaza de Mayo organization, known for her brave work during and after the last military dictatorship, offered a press conference to “bring peace of mind” to the population. Mayor Mauricio Macri did the same and urged the protesters to go home to their families, although he said “he understood their reasons to be angry since they have been mistreated by the National Government for the last ten years” (or “vote for me next time,” wink wink). The uniformed protesters have stated repeatedly that they are 100% behind democracy and that this is not a coup, they just want to be paid accordingly. But considering that several recent pseudo-coups in Latin America (this and this) began in a similar way it wouldn’t hurt to be cautious.  As of today, and even though the Government has offered a solution to their demands, the protesters have said their fight would continue during the weekend until they get what they want in writing and signed.

• Sorry for the depressing, unfunny, reductionist viewpoint I just offered. I wanted you to understand. I promise the next bullet points are as stupid as usual.

• In the meantime, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was in Lima, Perú, attending the South American – Arab summit, expressing her support for the recognition of a Palestinian state and addressing the Malvinas/Falklands issue. However, the most relevant piece of information to come out of that summit was that Cristina didn’t know that alfajores were in fact an Arabic delicacy. No, I’m serious. You think I cover shitty news? Think again, the mainstream media does the same: check it here, here, here, here and here.

• Also, the president of Lebanon visited Argentina this week but no one cared.

• Youth in revolt! High-school students continue their crusade against the City Government and its plans for a syllabus reform that would reduce hours of art and lab classes in order to focus on more core subjects such as math and Spanish language. In the last three weeks, students have taken over more than 40 schools and marched to the City Education ministry in protest and now a judge has ordered Education Minister Esteban Bullrich to meet with them  so they can solve the conflict. In the meantime, it’s like spring break out there. If you walk by a school that’s been taken over, join them for a mate and stay for the protests. It could get fun.

• [UPDATE] Bullrich has said he will suspend the syllabus reform if students agree to end the takeovers. Which is a bummer because you could have had fun with them.

It’s Friday again!

And I have bad news for you: the Malvinas clusterfuck is back in full force!

Because now that the YPF expropriation bill has been passed, what other nationalist cause are we going to be distracted with? The 2014 World Cup is still more than two years away, so that’s a no.

So I guess there’s no choice but to dust off the Malvinas playbook and start yelling at British people again.

Here’s everything you need to know (but don’t want to know):

• 

  Wenlock and Mandeville, the terrifying mascots of the 2012 London Olympics. I don't condone violence but I must admit it will be funny to see an Argentine athlete kicking them in the crotch in order to make a point about Malvinas. Not because I care about the islands, but because they're just plain ugly. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Since I’m sure you didn’t go to Velez for the Cristina-palooza last week, here’s the 40-minute speech she gave before thousands of flag-waving, ecstatic youngsters who attended the event to celebrate her existence. Since I’m willing to bet my life that you didn’t click on that link, let me tell you: she basically glorified young people as the future of the nation and told the crowds to remain “united and organized.” Also there was a lot of yelling, even though she was standing two centimeters away from the microphone. All in all, a positive experience for those who survived the yelling.

• Meanwhile this week, Cristina’s arch-nemesis and opposition leader City Mayor Mauricio Macri, was tweeting some photos about his session of calisthenics and something that looks like him awkwardly tango dancing with another guy. I tell ya, this guy is a workaholic.

• In what could be considered the most awkward exchange of passive-aggressive smiles and ice-cold stares since Alien Vs. Predator, newly appointed Argentine ambassador to the UK Alicia Castro put British Foreign Secretary William Hague in the hot seat as he launched the annual world review of human rights at a ceremony in London.  Sitting right in front of him on the first row as he took the podium, Castro once again repeated the local government’s mantra regarding the Malvinas/Falklands and asked him point blank (or “ambushed,” as The Telegraph put it) if he was ready to give peace a chance. Enjoy the video.

• The UK, of course, said it was “disappointed” at her behavior, but Castro is a maverick, she doesn’t give a fuck.

• Since this Wednesday marked the 30th. anniversary of the sinking of the General Belgrano cruiser during the Malvinas War, Cristina found yet another excuse to hold a ceremony related to the Malvinas. In a televised speech she gave from the Pink House she inaugurated the  brand new (*rolls eyes*) “Malvinas Argentinas Courtyard” and then she defended ambassador Castro’s actions, saying that “refusing to engage in dialogue is unsustainable,” a funny thing to say considering she refuses to talk to journalists since like, ever. She also criticized the permanent members of the  UN Security Council (i.e.: the US and the UK) saying that they always force other countries to follow UN resolutions but they themselves refuse to abide by them, which is actually kind of true.

• Sorry, we’re not done talking about Malvinas yet. But here, take a break from that subject and enjoy this awesome/terrifying video.

• Alright, I’m sure you feel refreshed now. And dirty. Let’s go back to Malvinas.

• The 2012 London Olympics are right around the corner, and God knows what kind of fuckery will transpire there between the Argentine and the British teams. But if what happened this week is any indication, we’re in for a fun winter of gold medals and diplomatic shenanigans that will certainly end once the Olympic torch goes out and David Cameron little-boys Buenos Aires.  Everyone in the UK and the Malvinas/Falklands was up in arms yesterday after a controversial TV spot aired in Argentina, depicting the Argentine national hockey team captain Fernando Zylberberg “training” on the islands. As if that weren’t insulting enough (for the British), the ad concludes with the phrase “To compete on British soil, we train on Argentine soil.” Oh, snap!

• Yellow press crusader The Sun, of course, took it one step further and ran this headline. Dramaqueenism at its best.

• And to add insult to injury, the ad was created by Young & Rubicam, an advertising agency that belongs to – you guessed it – a British company.  God, August cannot come fast enough. I’m gonna have so much to write about I may have to start doing a Daily News Roundup.

• In YPF news, I totally spoiled it at the beginning already but the
  

  Many criticized The Sun for printing such a disrespectful headline after the sinking of the General Belgrano. But many more failed to realize that even more disrespectful is that The Sun is all about girls showing their tits. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  expropriation bill has been passed, which means that Argentina now owns 51 percent of the oil company. Yay!

• Also this week, two romantic revolutionaires decided that a good way to make a point about something was to set off a bomb outside the European Union‘s offices in Recoleta. God bless these people, and their fight for peace by blowing stuff up.

• Another tourist allegedly raped in Salta. The suspect has already turned himself in, assuring that he was in a relationship with the victim, a 21-year-old Swiss woman who was doing volunteer work there. I have no idea what the hell is going on there, but stay away.

• Also in Salta this week, since such attacks pose a PR nightmare to the tourism industry there, the media (that’s us!) found a way to distract the population with a most sensationalist story that was covered by every network in the country: the tragic, heartbreaking story of an 8-year-old girl that was seen driving around in a car.

• No, really. That happened. And boy, people were outraged. I mean, look at that video! The low quality! The shaky camera! The epic soundtrack! Rape? What rape?

• Now onto the football part, which always comes last because it is obviously the least important one: Congratulations football megastar Lionel Messi! Not only you’re going to be a father soon, but this week you broke yet another record! After scoring his 68th. goal this season, Messi broke the record for goals scored in a European club season, previously held by some German guy called Gerd Müller. I have no idea what any of this means, all I know is that I get more internet hits thanks to it.

Oh, hi there politically-challenged friends!

Remember when I told you I’d be teaching you about local politics? Yeah, well you may remember. I didn’t.

But worry not, it’s actually pretty simple: it’s just like in the US (sorry Brits, you’re fucked)!

Sure, Argentines may not invade foreign lands under the “They have weapons of mass destruction!” but despite that insignificant mistake, Argentina’s political system is very similar to the American one, with the only difference being that the US has two large parties and Argentina has like a trillion of them.

Argentina is a republic, which means that power resides on three different branches:

• The Executive Branch (the president and the cabinet)
• The Legislative Branch (Congress)
• The Judicial Branch (the Supreme Court)

Are you still with me? Because chances are I’m talking to myself by now.

Whatever.

Since it’s an election year in which Argentines will elect their president and the mayor of Buenos Aires, and considering that you live here and pay taxes (I hope), I imagined you would have been interested in knowing who you would have voted for if you had actually been allowed to do so instead of being treated like some penniless refugee.

So, are you still with me? If not, fuck you.

The first important elections you have to pay attention to are scheduled to take place on July 10th, when the city of Buenos Aires elects a mayor for the next four years.  Logic says that whoever is elected mayor in the city is a strong contender to run for president in four years, so this is the race in which pretty much anything can happen.

Mayoral Candidate #1 – Mayor Mauricio Macri

Name: Mauricio Macri (it actually says that right above this)

Occupation: Mayor (duh). He also owns the Boca Juniors football club. No, really, he does.

Age: 52

Party: Propuesta Republicana (Republican Proposal, AKA “PRO”). You know, as in “Bush is a Republican.”

Ideology: Center-right, conservative.

Running Mate: María Eugenia Vidal.

Pros: I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

Cons: He’s pro-business, pretty much hates “the gays,” whenever he tries to pretend he gives a shit about the poor, he fucks it up.

Superpowers: None.

Catchphrase: None.

Nemesis: His father (no, seriously, they hate each other).

If he were a fictional character, he’d be: people call him the “real life Monty Burns,” so you figure that out.

Chances of being reelected: I’d say he’s head to head with the President’s candidate Daniel Filmus, but what do I know, I’m just a glorified blogger.

Congratulations! You just made it through the first episode of Argentine Politics 101 without having a aneurysm!

See that wasn’t so bad? Check back next week for Episode 2, featuring Daniel Filmus! Another candidate you don’t know / don’t give a shit about.

Adios!

It’s Friday again!

And I’m sick in bed, thanks to the fucking winter. So let’s get on with it, shall we? This medication is making me nauseous.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Notorious womanizer and also Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. Stay away, he might "poke" you. (Geddit? It's a penis joke. Photo/Wikipedia)

  While President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner was dodging bullets in Mexico and dodging Silvio Berlusconi’s penis in Italy, everyone here continued to be mystified by her apparent decision to delay the announcement that she will be seeking reelection, prompting many to believe she may not be willing to serve a second term. Fortunately, all those doubts were put to rest when big mouth and Kirchnerite lawmaker Carlos Kunkel said on a radio show that she was planning a surprise reelection announcement for June 23rd. He immediately backtracked, saying that he meant to say that “he believed she was planning that but he didn’t really know, y’know?” Needless to say, the entire party came out to attack him, saying that he was never in the loop so he could never know what the President thinks, which absolutely proves that she will be making the big announcement on that exact same day and he ruined the surprise. Poor Kunkel, now everyone in the Victory Front party is like “way to go, asshole!” I love politics.

• Genius Buenos Aires Mayor Mauricio Macri was attending a surprise birthday party for former Lieutenant Mayor Gabriela Michetti, and he had the brilliant idea of twitting about it. He spoiled the surprise, naturally, so when he got there everyone was like “way to go, asshole!” I really love politics.

• After 70 days of uncertainty and a complementary election, people in Chubut finally elected a governor. Due to accusations of fraud, the province’s Electoral Court called for a second round of voting in several polling stations that had presented certain “irregularities.” With only 2000 people having to head to the polls, the result was expected to be almost instantaneous, but it took several hours for governor-elect Martin Buzzi to learn he had won, since the results were being sent via fax.

• VIA FAX. That’s the punchline. A fax? What is this, 1987? If you didn’t laugh at that, you’re an idiot.

• Shocker! Probable deity and football superstar Lionel Messi was attacked (ATTACKED!) yesterday while he was having lunch with some friends in his hometown city of Rosario. Apparently, and according to the hundreds of losers that were waiting for a miserable second of attention outside the restaurant, as he approached his fans to take some photos, a mysterious hooded stranger approached him and “violently stabbed him to death.” Haha, no not really. He just “punched him.” They did say he was pretty violent though. From Spain to Japan, the international press immediately echoed the incident, their headlines denouncing the horrendous attack against their number one pet, and clamoring for the hitman’s head. Even more embarrassing though, is the fact that the idiot who attacked him didn’t even hit him properly. In fact, he didn’t even hit him at all! See for yourself. But, the news is out now and as journalists we’re all expected to sell tons of papers. So we’ll just stick to our “violently punched him” story.

• Hide your wives and daughters (and sheep) everyone! The ladies man himself, Bill Clinton, is back in town! And we all know what happens whenever he visits Buenos Aires! But despite his hardcore partying in Palermo during the night, the former president works hard during the day, meeting politicians and business leaders who want to expand the work of his foundation, the Clinton Global Initiative. So the next time that some local politician tries to score some votes by playing the “I hate America” card, please remember that it’s all a bunch of lies, since whenever they get a chance for a photo-op with a US official, they’ll come begging for a second of attention, just like those idiotic Messi lovers.

• Hurray! The solution to our traffic problems has finally arrived! The Metrobus is here! If you’re sick and tired of having to spend over 90 minutes of your time in getting from Palermo to Liniers, then this is the- what’s that? You don’t even know what Liniers is because you never go beyond Palermo, Belgrano, Recoleta or San Telmo? Sorry, let’s just ignore the whole thing then.

• The 9 de Julio Av. was once again blocked by protesters for a few days
  

  "Hay, ladies" (Photo/Wikipedia)

  this week, this time by soldiers who were in the army back in 1982 during the Malvinas/Falkland Islands War and now demand to be recognized as war veterans even though they were in no way involved in the conflict. The government has kindly offered to meet with them in order to find a solution that makes them happy, but officials have already warned that there’s no way they will be considered something that they are not. These guys should look on the bright side though. Considering the latest movements around the islands (the recent oil finds by Desire Petroleum and the arrival of the HMS Edinburgh warship), I have a feeling these guys may be sent down there pretty soon.

• Bolivian authorities fucked up big time this week when they allowed Iranian Defense Minister Ahmad Vahidi to leave their country even though the Argentine government had asked Interpol for his immediately arrest. You see, local authorities believe that Vahidi was involved in the AMIA terrorist attack that left over 80 people dead in downtown Buenos Aires back in 1994, but he had remained untouchable inside Iran ever since the warrant for his arrest was issued. So when he made the mistake of traveling abroad after being invited by Bolivian authorities to take part in some official celebrations, the Argentine government was outraged and demanded his immediate detention. The Bolivian response: “oops!”. Of course, “Oops” meaning “we don’t want trouble with Iran so we’ll just let him go and then apologize to Argentina for ‘failing to capture him’.” And that is exactly what happened.

• Great news, non-smokers! (I guess I could also say “Bad news, smokers!”). Argentina pulled a New York this week after Congress passed a Smoking Ban Law, set to go into in effect in a year. From them on, it will be strictly forbidden to smoke in any public space, so you’ll only be able to do so at home or while out in the street. Can you imagine, going back home after a long night of pub-crawling and heavy drinking without your clothes reeking of cigarette? Well, if you can, don’t get too excited, because if you think that club owners are going to enforce that law at the risk of losing thousands of customers, you’re dreaming. You see, paying a fine here is still a lot more convenient than losing all your customers, so the answer for you is to either stay at home like some anti-social freak, or start smoking.

• As the debate about whether to legalize marijuana or not rages on, an interesting discussion took place last Tuesday on the C5N news network when pothead and THC magazine editor Sebastian Basalo accused (probable) neonazi and Argentine Anti-drug Association representative Claudio Izaguirre of being a drug trafficker. The conservative lad first throws a glass of water on the guy’s face (gay!) and then spews a couple of insults like “you dirty rat, I’ma beat you up!” It’s all very funny and educational, here, look for yourself!

• Argentina lost 4-1 to Nigeria in a friendly football match this week. Which I guess would be depressing if I gave a shit.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

** Sunday update: OK so the world didn’t end yesterday, but if you think I’m going to rewrite the whole thing so that it makes sense, you’re dreaming. Just read it and get out of here. Oh, and don’t forget to click the “Like” button above while you’re at it. It makes me feel popular.**

It’s Friday again!

And as far as we’re concerned it’s the last one we’ll ever live, since according to this guy, Jesus is making his big comeback tomorrow! You know what that means… Rapture time! Ha! Only in America. So repent before it’s too late. Me, I’m not gonna do a damn thing since no matter what I do I’m definitely going to hell. But you guys may still make it.

So here’s what you need to know before being engulfed by fiery flames:

• 

  Jesus is coming! And apparently, this time he's pissed. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Well, I was trying to avoid mentioning this because of what a complex murder story it is, but since for the last two weeks the media has been all over it, I guess I have no choice but to tell you about it. Just pretend you’re watching CSI and it’ll be over fast, I promise. If you’ve been paying attention to the news lately (sorry, this column doesn’t count) you probably noticed that there has been much debate surrounding something called “the Belsunce Case.” Back in 2002, the exclusive gated community “El Carmel” was in shock after learning that Maria Marta Garcia Belsunce, a socialite and philanthropist, had died. Her husband allegedly found her in the shower, with her clothes on, unconscious. Despite attempts to revive her by the emergency services, nothing could be done. The case was considered an accidental death and the entire family decided to have her funeral inside her home on the day after her death. However, a district attorney was suspicious of some of the family member’s statements and ordered for her body to be exhumed. Imagine the surprise when forensic authorities found five (yes, five) bullet holes in her head. So not only she had been brutally murdered but her entire family and the doctors who signed her death certificate seemed to be covering the whole thing up. Only hours after her death, they had cleaned the bathroom and eliminated the evidence. To this day, her husband, her brother, her brother in law, her stepfather, her half-brother, her masseuse, her doctor and a neighbor are all suspected of being involved in a cover up. And even though her husband was imprisoned for life after being found guilty of murder, new information came to light last week that involved the victim’s half-sister, placing her at the scene of the crime. So there, that’s it. I have to admit that it sounds more like a bad episode of Desperate Housewives (are there any good ones?) than CSI but whatever, now you know.

• A small passenger plane from Sol Airlines crashed in the province of Rio Negro last Wednesday, killing 22 people instantly. Authorities believe that due to the severe weather conditions at the time, the plane’s wings suffered of extreme “icing,” meaning that they were covered in ice. By the time the pilot realized, he tried to take the plane to a lower altitude, but it was too late and the aircraft plummeted to the ground. Since it crashed in such a desolate area, right at the heart of Patagonia, it took emergency services several hours to reach the site.

• You were hoping for a punch line there, weren’t you? You sick fuck.

• FYI, #findelmundo (end of the world) is now trending on Twitter Argentina, and you know that shit is seriously going on when it becomes a trending topic on Twitter.

• So yeah, I know that it’s hard to top something as distracting as “it’s the end of the world tomorrow,” but humor me for just a minute, OK? Argentine-born Princess Maxima Zorreguieta of Holland has just been cleared by the Dutch government to eventually become queen someday! So let’s all celebrate that even though everyone here says they despise the monarchic system, they are absolutely in love with the idea that an Argentine will someday get to wear a crown and laugh at the poor peasants from her gilded chariot. Too bad she’ll never get to enjoy it since we’re all dying tomorrow.

• Yes, I don’t care how much you complain, I’m going to keep milking that end of the world bullshit until the bottom of this column.

• Here’s another example of stupid people: this guy. He calls himself “Menganno” and he’s the first Argentine superhero. I guess he has never seen Kick-ass. Wearing the colors of the Argentine flag “because that’s what Captain America does in the US,” Menganno patrols the streets of the Greater Buenos Aires area with the police, providing them with a false sense of security since, after all, we’re all going to die tomorrow.

• OK, you’re right, I may be overkilling it. I’ll never mention it again.

• Former (and I like to think that also currently) drug addict mess Diego Maradona has been hired to coach some football team in Dubai. Let’s see how long he lasts in a conservative Islamic society. I say he’ll be dead by tomorrow (heh, see what I just did?).

• Praised be the Lord! The local version of Dancing with the Stars is back for its whatever season! And with A List stars such as Mike Tyson and Pamela Anderson, it’s surely gonna be a hit! Check out this video, when you can see Mr. Tyson sink to a new low. And you though biting off Holyfield’s ear was bad…

• This week marked the first year  since former Soda Stereo lead singer
  

  Maxima of Holland. For a princess, she's not really that hot. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Gustavo Cerati and probably one of the best musicians in the country, suffered a stroke and fell into a coma. Despite assurances by doctors that “he’s slowly evolving,” I guess it’s safe to safe that chances of recovery are pretty slim. Which sucks. He was an amazing song that composer and lyricist. Have you ever heard his ode to Buenos Aires, “La ciudad de la furia” (The City of Fury)? It’s an amazing, melancholic song describing that moment we all feel when the sun begins to rise in this city after a long, long night. Here’s the 1989 original version, and here’s the unplugged version with that ugly chick from Aterciopelados. Enjoy, they’re both superb.

• Aaaaaaand, on the opposite side, we’ve got this idiot named Cacho Castaña, a crass washed-up singer from the 70′s who for some reason is still considered a sex symbol and womanizer by females over 50, even though he was caught biting into the ass of Argentina’s no.1 flaming homosexual Flavio Mendoza. Contrary to Cerati, Castaña’s lyrics tend to focus on his chronic cheating or how he’ll beat his wife up if he catches her with another man. Anyway, Castaña fell gravely ill this week and had to remain in ICU due to a serious lung infection caused by his excessive smoking. After almost kicking the bucket, they managed to bring him back. Barely able to speak, he muttered: “give me a cigarette or I’m leaving this hospital.” He is now expected to make a full recovery. Can you believe that? With so much injustice in the world, I’m sorry but all I can tell Jesus is: bring it on!

Have a great Rapture, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

So here’s what you need to know:

• 

  A pervert-looking Santa Claus makes friends with Argentina Independent correspondent Melanie Henderson.

  Summer has officially arrived! Are you desperate to leave the city yet? I mean, all you need to do is ride the subway at 3 PM on a business day to change your mind. Man, I’m sure you’re regretting not choosing Rio de Janeiro to spend the holidays. At least you have real beaches there! Here you’ve got Mayor Macri’s lame attempt to create an artificial beach called “Buenos Aires Playa.” It’s just like a beach! (Except there’s no place to bathe in). Enjoy!

• In an unprecedented move, President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner decided to attack crime and insecurity with full force in the Buenos Aires province by deploying thousands of gendarmerie officials throughout its territory. Oh, sorry that was the wrong link. This is the right one.

• By the way, remember that conflict in Villa Lugano with the illegal settlements? Yeah, that’s still going on, but it’s Christmas so no one gives a fuck.

• Economy Minister Amado Boudou, known for his “mischievous behavior” and crazy hair,  launched his campaign in hopes of becoming mayor of Buenos Aires next year, and in an attempt to “appeal to the working class,” he used several  swear words in his speech, blasted current mayor Mauricio Macri and insulted lawmaker Graciela Camaño, who gained worldwide popularity when she slapped colleague Carlos Kunkel on live TV. “It would have been worse if she’d tried to kiss you,” he said. Ha ha! Get it? ‘Cause she’s ugly! Always classy, this guy.

• Score one for democracy! Remember that guy Adolf Hitler Jorge Rafael Videla? The guy responsible for fucking up Argentina in the 70′s and killing over 30,000 people? Well he has been sentenced to life in prison after being found guilty of genocide and human rights violations. Just in time for Christmas! 40,000,000 Argentines just got an early present.

• Marcelo Tinelli’s craptastic show, Bailando por un Sueño (AKA Dancing with the Stars), finally came to an end, releasing us, the viewers, from its never ending cycle of irreverent gossip and soft porn choreographies. After a year of fierce competitions, who the hell won, you say? The worst dancer, of course.

• Ridiculous scandals aside, this show has become Argentina’s main pop culture referent and it’s a must for those trying to understand what this country is all about. So click here for a glimpse of everything that happened during 2010 to learn a little (don’t worry, there’s plenty of tits and ass girls to enjoy as well).

• As the 2011 presidential heats up, former President Joe Pesci Eduardo Duhalde also launched his presidential campaign in front of a fake audience while speaking with a weird Spanish accent that even I found hard to understand but reminded me of my grandma. By the way, what’s with his campaign posters? The whole thing looks creepy, really.

• The President’s Chief of Staff, Aníbal Fernández, (and his crazy mustache) showed up on YouTube to explain why Mrs. Fernández de Kirchner’s government is so amazing and to wish us all a Merry Christmas.

• City Mayor Mauricio Macri (who shaved his crazy mustache) showed up on YouTube to wish us all a Merry Christmas while ignoring the fact that his administration sucks.

• Speaking of bad administrations, Wednesday was a particularly shitty day for drivers in the city: due to a computer glitch, over 140 traffic lights in Palermo, Balvanera and Villa Urquiza were not working, causing traffic chaos all over the city with over 39C°. I told you, you should have picked Rio.

• Last but not least, it was chaos yesterday at the Constitución train station when due to a series of pickets blocking the train service in the Avellaneda area, thousands of passengers were stranded in the city for over seven hours. Chaos erupted when the police couldn’t control the crowd anymore and hundreds of angry citizens decided to hurl stones at the police and set the station on fire. Over 30 people were arrested and many were injured during the riots prompting the- agh, you know what? Fuck it. It’s Christmas Eve and I’m going home to my family for some quality time and you should be doing the same.

Merry Christmas everyone!! And get wasted on my behalf!!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

See what I just did? I replaced the word “weekly” for “wiki-ly” because of the Wikileaks scandal. Ha! I know, I’m hilarious, right?

Right?

Anyway, we’re reaching the weekend again people! And what a week this has been, plagued with political scandals, diplomatic stand-offs and many other idiotic situations that have allowed the mainstream media to become an international affairs version of Perez Hilton‘s website. Sure, Wikileaks owner Julian Assange apparently had some honorable motive when he decided to make public thousands of classified US documents, but unless they provide incontrovertible evidence that George W. Bush knew Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction before the invasion, I really don’t care whether Barack Obama likes Angela Merkel’s fashion style or not.

Whatever. A lot happened last week and this is what you need to know:

"Look at me and my hair! We're happy!" - Wikileaks founder Julian Assange. (Photo/Wikipedia)

• One of the first classified US documents to be published by Wikileaks was sent by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to the American embassy in Buenos Aires, and pretty much asked whether President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was cuckoo or not. Not only that, Mrs. Clinton also wanted to know if her antidepressants were working.  Nothing new there, obviously. Everyone knows they are not.

• In another cable sent to the US, after meeting with City Mayor Mauricio Macri, ambassador Vilma Martinez described him as “a man with abrupt attitudes and a ‘manichean’ view of the world”. Again, nothing new there,  but surely the next Fourth of July celebrations in the embassy are going to be so awkward…

• This week, in Showmatch, our gay “South American Willy Wonka” Ricardo Fort once again made an embarrassment of himself.

• Mayor Macri’s controversial “Metropolitan Police,” who so far hasn’t really been involved in any controversy but is already being compared to this, started being deployed to six more neighborhoods in the city this week in order to enforce the law. Are you a minority or not from Aryan descent? Then according to the city government’s opposition, you should run.

• In yet another embarassing situation for Mayor Macri, employees of the world-renowned Teatro Colon decided to go on strike due to “poor labor conditions” and as a way of protest the theater’s philharmonic orchestra ended up playing on the street. I pity the fools who attended the gala wearing a tux. (Actually, I don’t.)

• Despite officially being on summer recess, President Fernández de Kirchner ordered all senators to go back to Congress and session for the next three weeks in order to formally finish this year’s congressional period. So to all of you senators who were hoping to spend Christmas in Punta del Este while I was rotting in some office, here’s what I have to say. Bastards.

• Last Wednesday, the city government launched the “Bicing” program, which looks to imitate other European and American nations by providing citizens with a free bicycle service to travel between the Universidad de Derecho and the Plaza de Mayo. The program was a success and by the end of the day all bycicles had been stolen.

• Ha! No, not really. But it could totally happen, right? I bet you bought that for a second.

• After being closed for a few weeks and causing air traffic chaos all over the city, the Aeroparque Metropolitan Airport was reopened a few days ago, boasting its new remodeled facilities. This means that now, instead of having to wait for five hours to board your delayed plane in Ezeiza, you’ll just have to wait for five hours to board your delayed plane in Aeroparque.

• Here we go again, everyone! The Argentine Congress remains bent on destroying society as we know it and after legalizing gay marriage they are now beginning discussions on the legalization of abortion. Abortion! How terrible! First it was the Divorce Law in the 80’s, then Gay Marriage and now this? What is the world coming to? Fortunately the Rapture is coming soon and we’ll be burning in hell for eternity before we know it. Until then (or until the Abortion Bill is passed) we’re going to be listening to people like this over and over again.

• Oh-oh! Evil company Rockhopper has apparently discovered more oil around the Malvinas Falklands Whatever-islands basin, which will certainly create new rifts between Argentine-British relations. Do not worry though! The UK has recently slashed its defense budget and Argentina pretty much has no army, so if it comes to war people will just be hitting each other with sticks in the head. Ah, humanity.

• For the first time in Argentine history, a transsexual was allowed to officially change his/her identity on his/her ID. Tania Luna, who looks totally hot, is now a happy woman. You go, dude/girl! And please ignore people saying this.

• The 20th. Ibero-American Summit is taking place in Mar del Plata this weekend. Many Latin American, Spanish and Portuguese leaders and officials are scheduled to meet and discuss the challenges that education will have to face in the region during the next ten years. Unfortunately, Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez and Spanish President José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero will be absent this year, which means no hijinks this time (I assume you all recall the classic moment provided by Spanish King Juan Carlos when he told Chávez to shut the fuck up on live television).

Good times.

Happy weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono