It’s February again!

And yes, I know.

Last Friday was technically already February but it was only the first day of the month and the shit had not had time to hit the fan yet.

But it only took two days for all that bottled up anger that had been incubating inside our humanly vessels during our month-long relaxation to come out in full force, forcing us to vomit a stream of curse words along with some sighing and grunting because that’s the only way to get rid of all of the anxiety. Like Linda Blair on The Exorcist, only she was possessed by Satan.

So let’s get to it before we lose our minds in Gualeguaychu this extra-long weekend. Oh, you didn’t know? It’s Carnival weekend! The only time of the year in which it is socially acceptable in this macho culture to dance and maybe make out with a scantily clad transvestite while riding a float. OK?

This is what you need to know:

• 

  “Fuck you all.” – Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Shit just got real! If you thought President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was not going to move forward with an agreement between Argentina and Iran you were obviously wrong. In a rare move that had only been seen thrice since she took office in 2007, Cristina spoke on Cadena Nacional from  her presidential desk. No chants, no crazy fans, no sycophancy coming from a servile cabinet. Nope. Just you and her, all to yourselves. It was almost like being on a date with her. You know, like when you go on a date and this girl talks, and talks, and talks while you’re going “Hmm-hmm” and nodding off? That’s what it felt like. Proxemics also played a crucial role in her message, since she seemed to be a little too close for comfort (your comfort). Anyway, her 40-minute message was to say something she could have said in 30 seconds or less: “We are sending the agreement between Argentina and Iran to Congress so lawmakers can debate whether it should be passed or not”. See? That was easy. But no, she had to go host a full episode of the Cadena, with a preponderance of exposition, political drama, plot twists and even a short recap of past episodes. “Previously on ‘Iran So Far Away‘”…

• If you’re still wondering why Argentina is making deals with Iran then A) You suck, and B) This is why. 85 people dead.

• If you are not wondering because you already know, you are a sport and I’m proud of you.

• The Jewish community in Argentina (which is huge – HUGE! So huge that crazy conspiracy theorists love to warn about the so-called Andinia Plan from time to time) is not happy with this agreement. The AMIA and the DAIA (the two largest Jewish organizations in Argentina) have both rejected the accord, saying Iran is not to be trusted. But Cristina says that “we’re always busting the UK’s balls* about discussing the Malvinas, so if Iran wants to talk to us, we can’t refuse”.

• Oh and speaking of which… Foreign Minister and gladiator badass Héctor Timerman ultimately decided to prove that he ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts and flew to London to battle William Hague to the death in a jousting match to meet with some random people that would support the Malvinas sovereignty cause. Since he refused to a tri-party meeting with William Hague and the Malvinas islanders (hereinafter referred to as “The Others“), Timerman went on a tirade before the British press making some bold statements, which I will hilariously describe as follows (please cue the music from Lost to make them more ominous):

• “The United Kingdom has never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity to find a solution for the Malvinas”.

• “I don’t think it will take another 20 years (to take back the islands). I think that the world is going through a process of understanding more and more that this is a colonial issue, an issue of colonialism, and that the people living there were transferred to the islands”.

• “The interests of the existing islanders will be protected under Argentinian rule, including their way of life, their language and right to remain British citizens”.

• “There’s a distinction between the islanders’ interests, which could be met, and their wishes, which could not”.

• OK, that wasn’t hilarious at all. But this is: The Others weren’t very appreciative of Timerman’s “20 years” statement. So they took their rage to Twitter by assuring that “Argentina has a batter chance of having their flag on the Moon in 20 years than here in Stanley“.

• Also, here are some treacherous Argentines who decided to express their support for The Others via Twitter: this guy, this guy, this guy and this guy. The AFIP has already been notified and they are being Shanghaied as we speak.

• And speaking of tweets written in poor English, Cristina celebrated this week that the US continues it’s unilateral war against Capitalism and now has decided to sue poor old Standard & Poor‘s. Seriously, generic name much? Just add “average” and you’ve got the trifecta of depressing. Since Cristina is not very fond of credit rating agencies, she celebrated Obama’s decision by sprinkling her Spanish tweets with some English and started warning about  how these vulturian organizations have pillaged citizens all over the world. Which she, or quite possibly Google Translate, translated as “in the whole world”, totally not making any sense. Felicitations, Mrs. President!

• Meanwhile, in Palermo… Mayor Mauricio Macri was having this cabinet meeting.

• Please tell me you clicked on that. PLEASE.

• In repugnant news this week: two parents channel their inner Sherlock Holmes and discover that the child day care center they have been sending their daughter to is like the Disney World version of Guantanamo! After noticing a surprising change in her daughter’s behavior (for the worse), the parents hid an iPod with the voice recorder on in her backpack one day and dropped her off at school. The result was terrifying: physical, verbal and mental abuse for four hours straight everyday, with the teachers calling them names, force-feeding them and even soft-waterboarding them. Here’s the recording, for your listening displeasure. The place has now been closed and politicians keep blaming each other for not noticing that such an abomination had been going unnoticed for many years. Not funny.

• Enfant terrible and Deputy Economy Minister Axel Kicillof was coming back from Colonia with his family last Sunday when suddenly he realized that taking the Buquebus ferry, along with a lot of dollar-impaired middle-class families, may not have been the brightest of ideas. But alas! By the time he realized, they were already sailing half-way through the Rio de la Plata. The passengers could smell his fear, manifesting in the shape of sweat drops sliding down his long hairy sideburns. Before Kicillof had a chance to pull out his semi-automatic weapon, a horde of dollar-hungry zombies jumped on top of him, seeking retribution for his controversial economic policies. As Kicillof wielded his machete through the rotting corpses, the crew showed up with a flamethrower and grabbed his hand. They led him to sanctuary in the captain’s cabin, where he would remain until reaching port. After being rescued, Kicillof observed the orange sky, marveled by the beauty of a sunset he had looked at a thousand times, but he had never seen. The End.

• OK, no. So in reality some passengers started yelling at him and he, along with his family, was taken to the captain’s cabin so the mob wouldn’t spit on him or something. There were no zombies involved.

• Vice-President Amado Boudou was also booed while giving a speech in Santa Fe. I had this whole fictional story created to rival the one I just told about Kicillof but I guess I’m tired, so screw it.

• OUTRAGE! Those Chilean bastards are at it again! Not only they helped
  

  That’s probably the face Kicillof had when he realized he was surrounded by unfriendlies. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  The Others during the Malvinas War in 1982, but now their soldiers train by chanting xenophobic tunes that involve killing Argentines! Preposterous! Offensive! Unacceptable! The scandal prompted the Chilean authorities to immediately condemn such a disrespectful move by our kindred brothers and order an investigation. Even the local authorities urged the neighboring country to take action because singing about killing your neighbor isn’t funny. Horrible, Chileans. We are very disappointed in you!

• What’s that? A new video has surfaced, showing Argentines training in Mendoza and singing about  breaking into the Chileans’ homes and slitting their throats and drinking their blood? Well, I don’t approve of the controversial methods but you started it. So take that, Chileans!

• What’s that? The Argentine video is from six months ago and has already been deleted because it made us look like idiots since we are the ones who started the whole thing? Oh. I see. Well, you know math: -1 + 1 = 0. Which means the controversy gets cancelled. Yay! So… we’re cool, Chileans? Wanna bump fists? No? OK, we don’t need to bum fists.

• In yet additional proof that Econo-mageddon (TM) is right around the corner, the Government decided to force ask supermarkets to freeze prices for two months in order to fight a rampant inflation.  Remind me again why you stay in this country? Oh, the black market dollar currency exchange rate that is slowly turning you into precocious millionaires. That’s right.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

* Not actual quote. I totally made that up.

It’s Friday again!!

And the reason for that extra “!” is that my birthday is in three days and that has me very excited. My apologies for that outburst of inexcusable effervescence. Will not happen again, I promise.

It’s been a slow week. And I hate slow weeks. Mainly because I have to look harder for any news that manage to both capture the zeitgeist and be ridiculously hilarious.

So it is obvious that this week’s WNR is gonna suck when you know that Cristina didn’t tell the IMF to go fuck itself, Ricardo Fort and his prosthetic chin didn’t grace us with their presence on the small screen and no one has been killed by a chainsaw-wielding serial killer in Salta.

Sorry, I know it may be hard to believe but I actually have no control over current events. All I can do is try to tell you about what happened during the week so next time you talk to your friends about how the Subte may be going up to $5.50 if things keep going the way they are going you’ll say you read about it on Adrian’s column.

And that, my friends, is the best birthday gift ever.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  The Norwegian Room, where the UN Security Council meets regularly. Oh, sorry. You expected a punchline? Not everything in life is a joke, you know. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  At last! After millenia of unfair treatment and sidelining by the great world powers, Argentina (our favorite attention whore) will get its fifteen minutes of fame and be a non-permanent member of the United Nations Security Council. Great Britain probably went “Ugh, not again” after a majority of countries voted in favor of Argentina joining the big boys club, since I’m sure the Malvinas issue will be brought up every 30 seconds, as some slow torture against the Brits who will end up giving up the Malvinas and even also Gibraltar so that Argentina will finally shut up about it. Either that or we go to war. We’ll see.

• This October 17th was Peronist Loyalty Day, which I’m not sure what it really means, but all I know is that every year all Peronist groups in the country compete to see who is more Peronist than the other. It happened again last Wednesday of course, since Union big boss Hugo Moyano gave a speech saying that unlike President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, he is a true Peronist. Then Cristina went on TV to say that unlike Hugo Moyano, she is a true Peronist. And after all this, I’m still not really sure I fully grasp the concept of this whole loyalty thing. The guy is dead, I’m sure he doesn’t care about who they’re being loyal to.

• Chaco governor Jorge Capitanich, renowned worldwide for his inclination to not give a fuck about anything ever, once again decided to not to give a fuck about anything and announced he would convert the provincial debt from dollars to pesos since the Argentine Central Bank told him to go fuck himself when he attempted to purchase dollars.

• Moody’s, the (drama) queen of credit rating agencies decided to downgrade the rating of several Argentine provinces after this, and in return the Argentine Government accused said agencies of being “terrorists.”

• Damn. That is a really unflattering photo of Cristina.

• But here is the most awesomest photo you will have ever seen in the history of ever: forget about the Malvinas/Falklands conundrum. Forget about any existing animosity between Argentina and the United Kingdom. Forget about any differences that may surface whenever Cristina and David Cameron cross paths in some international summit and go “Well, this is awkward”. You know, like in this photo. Forget about all that, because here are Queen Elizabeth II and Argentine ambassador to London Alicia Castro meeting for the first time, proving once more that hating Argentina/England because you’re English/Argentine is fucking stupid.

• You know how you’re always saying you’d do anything to go back to your glory days of high school just to relive the intensity of hormonal changes and hallway mischief?  Not this time you won’t, because after so many days of school takeovers all over the City, City Hall warned classes could be extended until December 30 to make up for lost days . On top of that, the Ministry of Education has decided that, on a national level, classes will begin on February 25. So if you’re a high school student in the City, your summer holidays may have just gotten reduced to a month and half. Enjoy.

•  Former Brazilian president Lula Da Silva decided it was time to visit Argentina for some reason and gave a speech about stuff and warned that Argentina better not try to win the 2014 World Cup. Ha! As if they could.

• Heads continue to roll in the Argentine Armed Forces as the frigate Libertad fiasco seems poised to become an international incident of embarrassing proportions. As the Navy and the Ministry of the Interior blame each other for deciding to moor there without realizing the vessel was going to be impounded by the evil forces of the vulture funds, negotiations between Argentina and Ghana are already under way to see if this tormentous clusterfuck can be resolved without starting World War III. Or something.

• Meanwhile, in Ghana: the crew of the Libertad are apparently having the time of their lives, since they say being held hostage in a foreign continent is “just like being in Buenos Aires.” Curious as I am, I decided to go to Google Images and search “Ghana”. This is what came up. And this. And this. Which means they were either being held at gunpoint while making that statement or the Stockholm Syndrome is starting to kick in.

• Although I must admit this does kinda look like Av. Santa Fe at 3 pm. So maybe they’re right.

• Somebody contact Ryan Murphy right now and tell him we’ve got the plot for the next season of American Horror Story. In what could easily be considered the most abhorrent story of the week (so atrocious that it made it to the international media), a child care center was accused of physically abusing babies who would not stop crying. Teachers would tape their mouths shut and tie them up to their chairs in order to keep them quiet. The spark that ignited the investigation into this malignant clown-themed Guantanamo was a Facebook photo that showed a 9-month old baby with tape over his mouth. The place has been shut down and as outrage across the country expanded, area residents tried to burn it to the ground. You know where this modern tale of monstrous behavior took place? Here.

• Ha! You thought I was going to say Salta, didn’t you? Well, no. Not this time.

• Terrible news everyone! Your beloved magnetic card Monedero – the poor man’s SUBE card – will no longer function to pay for public transportation after December 1st. It’s all about the SUBE now. However, since I’m pretty sure none of you use/know about the Monedero, I’m wondering why I’m even talking about it. Oh, that’s right. Slow news week. Well then this is just pointless fluff.

• What’s that? You actually own or know someone who owns a Monedero card? For real? Huh. What do you know.

• You know how you’re always expressing dissatisfaction over how Apple products are always reaching astronomical prices here? You know how you must always humiliate yourself by asking friends and acquaintances coming from the US to mule you an iPhone/iPod/iPad/MacBook because those unfairly speculating with a primordial basic need such as the Angry Birds app get to put any price they want on the product and you’re like “Man, that’s a ripoff!”? Well, karma.

• Also, here’s a list of the serial numbers of the 110 computers stolen, so that in case you go to Mercado Libre and come across a suspiciously low-priced MacBook, you know that you’re buying stolen goods. Not that you care.

• Are you, by any chance, a feminist? Then you may want to skip this bullet
  

  Everyone, head over to Mercado Libre, pronto! They are probably selling really cheap MacBooks and the price is a steal! Literally. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  point entirely because I swear to God this is your worst nightmare. We all know that the local version of Dancing With the Stars, Bailando por un Sueño, has hardly had any actual dancing lately. Come to think of it, it’s never had any stars either. But as the ratings continue to plummet, their desperation is becoming more tangible. Enter “la sueca” (or “the Swedish”), Argentina’s latest victim of  cruel objectification and masturbatory fodder. Because of her broken Spanish, hot body and spirit of naïveté, la sueca is the epitome of what, according to our macho-centric culture, every woman should be: blonde, hot and stupid (and yes, I’m siding with the feminists here, mostly because I don’t want them to flood my inbox with hate mail). So host Marcelo Tinelli, who did to the feminist movement what the iceberg did to the Titanic, saw this wide-eyed girl as an opportunity to regain his glory lost and organized a football match with her. While she wore a bikini. On an artificial beach. Brilliant! But knowing that just seeing her jumping around wouldn’t be enough, he also helped the millions of erection-prone viewers around the country to experience it vicariously, and every time she scored a goal he would throw her down on the sand and dry hump her for a while, because he could. Here it is again. And again. I don’t know man, as an anthropological experiment, I think it’s fascinating.

• If you’re a woman you’re probably very upset right now. That’s OK, it will pass.

• This week Argentina beat Chile 2-1 in the 2014 World Cup qualifiers, but as you probably know, I couldn’t care less about that. What I’m interested in is the constant vilification of everyone’s favorite asshole, Diego Maradona.  Remember how a few weeks go we all celebrated his parenthood after he informed the world that he was going to be a father again? Remember how we all, jokingly and considering his proclivity to fathering illegitimate babies, said “let’s hope this time he gives his child his last name”? Well he just dumped his very pregnant girlfriend. So he won’t.

• In the meantime this weekend, the best football player in the world will indirectly be schooling Maradona on how to be a decent human being. And his timing couldn’t be more perfect. Long live Lionel Messi.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep fucking reminding you about this every Friday.

It’s Friday again!

And as the cognitive dissonance in both sides of the political spectrum continues to split the Argentine society into two big antagonist magnets, here comes the Weekly News Roundup (click there and like our Facebook page, yes?) trying to maintain a level-headed opinion, a resort purposely designed to piss you off.

So, in order to escape the sad fate of becoming a cliche, I’m actually not going to take a position on what happened last night and will let you, my loyal scholars, choose one for me.

We all know confirmation bias is what makes you pick a newspaper over another. Knowing that you will agree with what the paper says beforehand grants you a false sense of momentaneous security. You need someone to tell you that your opinions are indeed accurate and it’s the others who are wrong.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess.

So you know how I’m always saying this country is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book? I think it’s time we put that into practice:

• 

  Probably your hand. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  If you think President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is a hate-mongering “yegua” who deserves to be overthrown at all costs, proceed to the Anti-Government bullet point.

• If you think those repugnant Recoleta denizens are nothing but coup-mongers whose only concern is their inability to purchase US dollars and therefore deserve to die, proceed to the Pro-Government bulletpoint.

• Anti-Government rant: After years of unbearable oppressiveness and fearing the cold, metallic touch of Cristina’s iron fist, the destitute masses of Argentina finally made their voices heard and led a multitudinous, successful protest that spread all over the nation. People engaged in pot-banging activities (sounds like a junkie’s favorite sexual position but trust me, it’s not) to protest the current  administration and course-correct the destiny of this country before it is too late (click here for the Indy’s awesome photo gallery on the story). TN was the only news network brave enough to show the ramifications of such an astounding social protest while over 100,000 people from all social strata took to the streets of Buenos Aires to oppose the Government’s plans to turn this country into Cuba or Venezuela. Yeah, that’s what happened. Now repeat after me: Zurdos! Vagos! Chorros! Use those insults on random people and evaluate their reaction. If you don’t end up in a coma, let me know what you learned.

• Pro-Government rant: Absolutely nothing happened last night. In fact, if you tuned in Canal 7 (state-owned channel) they were showing a documentary on birds (not a joke). But if something had actually happened, I’m sure it wouldn’t have mattered. It was just a bunch of dollar-hungry, rich, greedy, fascist, lame-excuse-of-a -human-being people trying to overthrow godsend President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and her humble cabinet and replace them all with Emperor George W. Bush and Viceroy Queen Elizabeth II. Yeah, that’s what happened. Now repeat after me: Fachos! Cipayos! Gorilas! Use those insults on random people and evaluate their reaction. If you don’t end up in a coma, let me know what you learned.

• Also, if the Middle Class is looking to prove that their protests are legitimate, and that this is not related to the restrictions on the dollar, but is in response to the existing non-existing-inflation, the rise of criminal activities and Cristina’s unapologetic bullying attitude towards anyone who dares to dissent with her, let me just say that this is not helping.

• Oh, and neither does this.

• In case you’re wondering, “gatear” is what a female escort does. You’re welcome.

• Your favorite source for quotable information – besides this column – finally published an article on the ridiculous urban myth saying that you only need six pesos a day in order to eat in this country. Now, don’t get the Government wrong: their studies say that even though you can eat for such a risible amount of money, it still means you’re very poor. Let’s think of what we can buy with six pesos: a cheeseburger in Mc Donald’s a can of tuna a super pancho a bottle of beer a salad a banana a bottle of water. Fuck it, I give up.

• Or you can move to the San Juan province, where in their little parallel universe that urban myth seems to be working just fine.

• At least the people in the cacerolazo protests get to make fun of it.

•  The average hard-working man continues to be ostracized and vilified by the system, as now due to the severe government restrictions in the currency exchange market sector, PayPal Argentina has announced that it is disabling all transactions between domestic accounts. It seems locals, smart as they are, had found a way to bypass the restrictions and withdraw dollars in the US from their accounts in Argentina. And since this probably makes the AFIP tax agency sad, PayPal decided to react accordingly against the seven Argentines who actually know what PayPal is.

• Oh and don’t worry expats, foreign transactions are still active. So your parents can still transfer money into your local accounts. Stop whining.

• This one’s for you, girls: You know how your parents always warn you about checking your drinks when going out because of the rape drug? Well now you have something else to fear when drinking that tasty caipirinha. In the city of Santa Fe, a girl suffered severe internal burns after a bartender mistook dry Lye for sugar and put it in her drink. Smart move, bartender! “I’ll just leave this acid that looks like sugar right next to the actual sugar.” It’s like the Itchy & Scratchy show, only less original.

• Did you guys have fun last Sunday afternoon pretending that controlling your breathing for fifteen minutes in Palermo was somehow going to change your life for the better? Well I’m glad you did. But you know who didn’t have a good time though? Your very own (im)personal guru and messiah of meditation, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, who was questioned by the AFIP tax agency as he was trying to escape leave the country.

• Also, if the more than 100,000 people who spent last Sunday afternoon relaxing in the park are the same who four days later were foaming at the mouth because of the Government policies, then not to be a party pooper but whatever it is you did to relax didn’t actually work.

• Remember disgraced boxer Rodrigo “Hiena” Barrios, who in 2010 caused an accident while driving inebriated in
  

  You'll never look at a caipirinha the same way again. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Mar del Plata and ended the life of a pregnant woman and her unborn child? It turns out that as he appeals his four-year sentence, a local court decided to give him back his driver’s license. I mean, come on, it’s not like the guy did it on purpose! He was drunk! You can’t blame him for that! Oh, but the public outrage was too much, so the Government decided to ban him from sitting behind a wheel again, and all of this in just one day! So now he is forced to hop on the bus completely drunk and sit on his own vomit until he gets home, just like the rest of us (expect for the killing part).

• Check your calendars, everyone! Because 2010 is making a comeback and it ain’t pretty. You see, the once invincible Dancing With The Stars is suddenly tanking in the ratings, and Marcelo Tinelli is not happy. It seems that after a 6-year slumber, the Argentine population has said “Enough!” to cheap scandals and mediocre dancing and begun changing to channel to happier, more preppy story lines, like the hit show of the moment “Graduados,” which is like Beverly Hills 90210, only worse (and I’m not talking about the recent series reboot, I’m talking about the original one. Seriously, who could you watch that crap?). In a desperate attempt to regain his squandered glory, Tinelli decided to bring back current nemesis and former pariah Ricardo Fort, who was exultant to retake the place he was fired from two years ago, even if only for a day. So in all honesty I’m not really sure what this post is all about. I just wanted you to know that Bailando por un Sueño is losing big, and it feels really good. The only way they’ll ever have another peak in the ratings is by bringing on stage some huge international star like, I don’t know, Madonna.

• DAMN IT!!!!

• And in case you haven’t been following Ricardo Fort’s recent incursions into the realm of legitimate musical theater, here he is doing The Lion King and Jesus Christ Superstar. You’re welcome to decide which one is more offensive.

• No, yeah, definitely the Jesus one.

• Also, thank God for this.

• And by the way, someone needs to edit the Graduados Wikipedia page in English. That thing is a mess.

• [Warning: shameless plug coming up] Before we finish, have you RSVP’d to attend our Buenos Aires Underground Market event tomorrow? We’re all going to be there sampling food and drinking like crazy, so why not join us for a while? It starts at noon and finishes at 5 pm. You have no excuse. [End of shameless plug].

• I know, I’m such a corporate whore.

• Have you noticed how I haven’t talked much about football lately? Either nothing is happening (unlikely) or I’m not paying enough attention (pretty likely). Whatever the case may be, here you go:

• This is hardly news because it happens every day, but one of the leaders of the Independiente hooligans has been shot. Now, that link is four days old so I’m not sure if he made it or not. Honestly I’m having brunch in an hour and can’t be bothered to find out. You figure it out yourself, mk? Consider it homework.

• Argentina gave us a lackluster performance in a game against Peru this week, which according to my sources (Wikipedia) was a World Cup qualifying match. The game ended 1-1 and everyone engaged in some fun, harmless homophobic behavior, with a fake photo of Lionel Messi telling Peruvians to go “eat it” via Twitter and some Peruvian player I never heard of calling him and Gonzalo Higuaín “little girls.” Whatever.

• No wonder I never talk about football.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

It’s Friday again!

And are you trying to hide somewhere where the fake global excitement over the Olympics can’t find you?

Then you’ve come to the right place my friend.

Because I will not be mentioning them at all (except for this part in which I have to mention them to say that I will not be mentioning them, you know how it is).

And let’s face it, all we care about is the opening/closing ceremonies and how many medals our country won.

I’m not trying to be a cynic here, I’m just saying no one gives a shit about how far a javelin can go. That’s all.

All we care about is the gold, and that’s a fact.

Ready for another crazy week of Argentine mishaps?

Then this is what you need to know:

• 

  Not Madonna. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Are you willing to open your heart to the never fading charm of Evita‘s smile? It was the 60th anniversary of Eva Peron’s death yesterday and there were countless ceremonies throughout the country to remember the so-called “standard bearer of the humble.” Among the many celebrations carried out this week, the most important one was the one held in the government house by President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, in which she unveiled a new commemorative $100 peso bill featuring Evita’s portrait. Even though this was originally a limited edition thing, Cristina urged the authorities to eventually replace the note currently in use with these new more Peronist-friendly version.

• One of the reasons why the government wants to get rid of the $100 peso bills you’re using right now is because they feature the portrait of former president Julio A. Roca, a polarizing figure who is lauded by many because he broke relations with the Vatican and instituted secular education in Argentina, but is reviled by others because he pretty much exterminated every indigenous tribe south of La Pampa in the so-called “Conquest of the Desert.” So, who do you pick? Genocidal maniac or Madonna?

• Oops! Well, this is awkward. Apparently there is a little design flaw in these flawless new bills, and they can’t be read by regular ATM machines. Which means that, at least when it comes to this first batch of 20 million bills and until this error is corrected, it’s gonna be a fucking nightmare to get them from the bank. Looks like we’re gonna have to stick to the genocidal maniac for a little longer than expected.

• Of course, the money-printing authorities were fast to deny this and accused the anti-Government media of “slandering Evita.” Who should you believe? Well, that’s for you to decide. Consider the Argentine media to be some fucked-up version of the Choose Your Own Adventure book series. Only difference is no matter what the outcome, the population always loses.

• Here’s a fun fact: Cristina has a very dirty mind. Most of the time we don’t get to see that side of her because she’s always bitching about stuff or yelling at others. But whenever she’s in a good mood, she starts making dirty jokes. And guess what: she made one this week! While she was attending the opening ceremony of a cosmetics factory in Berazategui via teleconference, she started talking to a girl who said she was in charge of “handling tubes.” So Cristina had the brilliant idea of asking the guy standing next to her is he was in charge of “llenarle el pomo“ (loosely translated as “filling her tubes”). “That was a little dirty for a President, don’t you think?” she wondered. Stay classy, Madame President!

• It’s official: we’re China’s Latin American bitch.

• Congratulations Argentina! For the second time in a row, the World Bank has named you the most protectionist country in the world! That means that  we’re living in the country that applies more restrictions to control foreign trade than any other nation. Oh, well. At least we’re first in something.

• Oh, and shut up Americans. Because the US comes third.

• Will you look at that, war games and rogue missiles in the Malvinas/Falklands. That’s refreshing.

• Don’t panic though, this is standard routine for the islanders, who as usual replied to Argentina’s shaking fist in the air with an apathetic shrug and a “whatevs,” accusing Cristina of scaring the population since these exercises are performed there every six months or so. And they have kind of a point. Back in October 2010, Cristina was already bitching about them. She even called the Brits “pirates,” which is a stupid thing to do because we all know pirates only used cannonballs and swords.

• OK, maybe except for these pirates.

• Are you, by any chance, a prostitute? Are you, by any chance, living in the province of Córdoba? If you said yes to those two questions (which is highly likely) then I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that the provincial government is anxious to give you a free ride to your hometown, no matter where you originally come from. Go on, take it! The bad news is that it’s just a one-way ride because they don’t want you strutting your stuff around their land any more, lowering everyone’s morale with your sinful ways. Oh, but don’t be so quick to judge. This is (according to the provincial government) “a very smart move” in their commendable fight against human trafficking. That’s right, if you’re ever forced to deal with the illegal trade of human beings for the purposes of commercial exploitation in your own backyard now you know what to do: send those harlots away so you don’t have to deal with the issue yourself. There, problem solved. Somebody give these people a Nobel prize.

•  I know it feels like I say this every month, but I don’t. I actually say it once every two months. Remember: cab fare is going up this Sunday. And don’t get too comfortable with those prices, because they are going up in October again. Ha! Worried about how you’ll manage to get back home while inebriated? Yeah, me too.

• I know it feels like I say this every week, but I… no, wait. I actually do say this every week: the Central Bank has announced new restrictions for those trying to purchase US dollars, so if you intend to send $2000 abroad because you have a family member who’s dying and needs your urgent help to escape, say, a Russian gulag, you need to ask the Government for a special permit. The limit for remittance abroad has been set at $1500 a month. If you need to send more, then now you need a permit.  Because odds are you’re sending that money to your spoiled children who are drinking their life away in some elite first world university, you imperialist pig.

• Believe it or not, you may be scanned for firearms while entering the movie theater to see The Dark Knight Rises in Argentina . Because if we’re gonna imitate American culture, we’re gonna do it right.

• And speaking of the shootout in Denver, of course the media in this country would find an angle to make it all about the tragedy we also endured (albeit totally indirectly) as a nation. Oh, Argentina. You overzealous attention whore.

• Millions were horrified by the Government’s latest despicable lie this week, after Security Secretary Sergio Berni assured that Buenos Aires “is one of the safest cities in Latin America.” Lies, all lies! Or maybe not?Because according to the latest research of the 50 most dangerous cities in the world Buenos Aires is nowhere to be seen, even though 40 of the cities in the list are located in Latin America. Even New Orleans, Detroit and Baltimore made the list! So yes, the region is the most dangerous in the world (even more dangerous than the horn of Africa!) but all in all BA is pretty safe. I’m of course not saying there’s no danger here, I’m just saying the rest of the world is not filled with wide-eyed cherubs and unicorns. Violent crimes are widespread. Remember that next time you’re whining about how much this city sucks because someone snatched your shiny iPhone from your little fingers.

• Hey, here’s an idea. Let’s ignore everything I just said and give in to fear-mongering and media-sponsored paranoia, OK? OK.

• Do you live in Recoleta, San Telmo, Constitución or Puerto Madero? Are you tired of living like a prisoner in your own home due to the ever-present menace of violent crimes and petty thefts? Well, fret no more my fellow paranoid citizen! Because some clever-minded individuals at La Nacion (your newspaper of choice, and shut up, you know I’m right) have come up with the ultimate weapon against the trigger-happy criminals that obviously await you at the turn of every corner. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… the High Risk Zone map. A comprehensive and user-friendly info-graphic that helps you avoid the many pitfalls stemming while you’re casually walking down from home to the supermarket. Turn left? Look out, there’s a Whorehouse there! Go straight? No, wait, there’s a guy selling drugs there! Running terrified while waving your arms in the air, looking for sanctuary? Quick, there’s a police station right ahead! (Although in all honesty I’m not sure the police stations on the map are there to be avoided as well). So there, it’s like playing a deadly version of Pac-Man.

• Actually if you take a closer look at that map it definitely resembles another video game classic.

• Because apparently having to use a map to avoid the many perils lurking
  

  Former president Julio A. Roca. He ate babies for breakfast. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  outside the safety of your home was not enough, due to a series of unpaid bills, electricity companies Edesur and Edenor began cutting the power of several public parks and squares throughout the City at night.  This obviously rendered your little map useless and turned many public squares into a black hole of criminal activities. Even the traditional Obelisk in downtown Buenos Aires was in the dark! Fortunately yesterday both parties came to an agreement and the power returned. At least now you get to see the face of the guy who’s robbing you.

• So you think crime and traffic in Buenos Aires are madness and want to run away from them as fast as you can? Are you longing for greener pastures, quieter streets and jollier neighbors who greet you with a tip of the hat and a smile as you’re whistling your way to work? Why not move to a smaller province like, say, Tucumán, where the air is pure and front doors are left unlocked at night? You can ride your motorbike to work every morning and BAM!

• That last bullet point was meant to illustrate that traffic sucks on a nationwide scale. It’s not just Buenos Aires. I’m confident you got the message.

• Take a look at this photo. See that massive, grey metal behemoth parked right next to the hot girl in red? Hard to miss, isn’t it? Well, not to the security officials at the Rural Society Expo in Palermo, who apparently “misplaced” it (“misplaced” as in SOMEBODY FUCKING STOLE THE THING) and now they are in hot water over it. It was like a magic trick! It was there on Monday night, then it was not. “We thought they were taking it to wash it,” a security official who seems to have graduated from the Chief Wiggum Security School for Idiots said. Nice job, you guys! Let’s hope whoever graduates from that school is never hired to remain vigilant at a more menacing place like, say, a maximum security prison. Then we’d be fucked.

• You know it’s coming, don’t you? Yeah, you’re way ahead of me on this one.

•  Take a look at this photo. See that deranged-looking criminal that totally looks like a cold-blooded killer? Hard to miss, isn’t he? Well, not to the prison guards at the maximum security prison in Florencio Varela who apparently “misplaced” him (“misplaced” as in HE FUCKING ESCAPED), and only one week after being sentenced to spend 29 years in there for murdering another man. The best part? He nonchalantly walked out of prison dressed as a woman. The media is still waiting for additional details, but don’t be surprised to learn he was also given a cake with a file hidden inside it.

• Now you understand why an Argentine remake of Prison Break would never work here? Michael Scofield would help his brother escape in like the first ten minutes of the season.

• At long last! Awesome football player and average-looking Lionel Messi has decided to branch out and expand his personal brand empire by blessing us all with the new Leo Wine, and exquisite blend featuring the taste of grapes and the aroma of a locker room.  The “Leo” wine will offer a fine stock of Malbec, Torrontés, Malbec Premium and Extra Brut, and you will be able to acquire it almost exclusively at your closest chino.

• Hey, don’t be so quick to judge! After all, Diego Maradona had several drinks named after him, like the short-lived Maradona beer, or the likely-radioactive fernet “El Diego,” which was probably taken off the market before you could even say “food poisoning.” Look at that label. Yeah, that seems legit.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And before you start reading, let me kindly suggest that you go get your news somewhere else.

No, I’m not kidding. I’m serious. Go read about something that really matters, like how your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s zodiacal sign means he/she is prone to infidelity.

Because honestly, there’s not much to read here this week. Everything you read will basically redirect you to two things: either the Malvinas/Falklands conflict or football.

And quite frankly, I think you and I have had enough of that.

So this week I had to face an impossible decision: either I didn’t write the column in order to let the Government know that this inherent lack of tomfoolery is like slamming my fired up creativity into a cold, refreshing pool of water, or I wrote it anyway and waited for the hate mail to start pouring in.

“You always talk about the same thing, man!”

You know what I mean.

So, after cogitating for some time about professionalism and respect for my loyal readers, I understandably took the high road and decided to tell you all to go fuck yourselves and go out for a beer.

So now I’m hung over and, for some reason, still writing this column even though I originally decided against it.

I was going somewhere with all this but I’ve lost my train of thought.

Thanks for nothing, readers.

This is what you need to- Oh yeah! Now I remember. Like I said, this week this column is mostly about the Malvinas and football. So there. Take it or leave it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Yes. I already used this photo a few months ago. If you have a better idea for a photo this week, you know where to write. I won't care but you know where to write. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This week saw the 30th anniversary of the end of the Malvinas/Falklands War (See? Malvinas. Told you.) and of course the bilateral acrimony between Argentina and the United Kingdom was emanating strongly from both sides of the ocean. So here’s everything that happened in a nutshell, so we can get this out of the way fast and move to other more important things, like football.

• David Cameron, that cheeky British prime minister, thought that in order to piss off the Argentines even more on the day of the anniversary, it would be a good idea to fly the Falklands’ flag on top of 10 Downing Street. Very subtle way of saying “Fuck you”, sir. Congrats. You truly are a gentleman.

• On that same day, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to New York to attend a conference at the United Nations, where the Special Committee on Decolonization regularly functions. “Regularly” of course being used ironically since in international relations the SCD is considered to be obsolete, but whatever. She spoke, she didn’t say anything new, once again asked the UK to give peace a chance and then urged the British government to engage in dialogue. Because dialogue is the only way that this will ever be solved. OK? OK. Now read the next bullet point.

• Once her speech was over, a representative of the islands’ government approached Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman and tried to hand him a letter addressed to Cristina in which he asked her to talk to them in order to discuss the islands’ sovereignty. Timerman said no. You guys didn’t think that whole dialogue bullshit was true, right? Because it’s not. Well, now the islanders are upset. Which means that there’s no possibility of a rapprochement anytime soon and I will still have to write about this stuff in the future. Fuck my life.

• Meanwhile, in the Malvinas/Falklands: the islanders, probably tired of being ignored by the international community, announced they would conduct a referendum on the islands in order to “put this sovereignty fuckery to rest once and for all.” Well, they didn’t say it like that, but that’s what they meant. So that’s great, guys! However, there’s no need to “announce” you’re gonna do it. Just do it! Considering the islands have a population of like, 12 people, you just go to the local pub and tell the parishioners to raise their hands and count. That’s it! Referendum ready.

• I’m kidding, islanders! I know you’re more than 12 people! I also know you read my weekly rants, so I’m sorry, but if everyone else falls then you don’t get to leave this column unscathed.

• This week, in non-Malvinas related news: the Interior Ministry announced the creation of a new passport that will cost 400 pesos and will include a state-of-the-art chip that Argentina hopes will persuade nations such as the US, Canada or Australia from asking citizens for a visa before they travel there. The good news is that since dollars are basically impossible to find anywhere in this country, Argentines weren’t even thinking of going there in the first place. See? Everybody happy.

• **UPDATE** The US has already replied by saying “Thanks! But no thanks.”

•  Apparently the cacerolazos are still happening, even though no one is actually aware of them. Not content with last week’s fiasco, which failed to galvanize the anti-Kirchnerite segment of the population, a few angry people decided to come out yesterday and bang their frying pans and teapots in order to demand access to their dollars protest corruption. Fortunately this time they had the help of former mayoral candidate and absolutely crazy person Guillermo Cherashny (did you click on that? You should. Want another one? Here’s another one). I’m not sure what Cherashny, a journalist who really did run for mayor of Buenos Aires, was doing there in the first place but if his protest methodologies are indication of anything, I’m certain the cacerolazos will eventually become a “thing”. After all, who could forget his You Tube video aimed at Hewlett-Packard in which he decides to take action against his laptop computer (did you click on that? You should.)?

• Also, since we are talking about protests and injustice, can anyone give this guy a hand? You see, former railway worker Luis Alberto Ninona has been indicted along with many others in the case investigating the Once railway tragedy that took the lives of 51 people last February. So understandably, Mr. Ninona is not allowed to leave the country, as he is suspected of being responsible of manslaughter. But, alas! His lawyer announced that he has all these (I assume, frequent flier) “miles” accumulated and he needs to used them before they expire for a little vacation in Punta Cana, where he’ll be sipping piña coladas for a few days only to eventually return to explain why he’s not kind of responsible for so many deaths. The prosecutor, clearly a bad person, has already said he will not let him leave Argentina for a trip with his family. Can any of you give this guy a hand? Anyone? No? Shame on you.

• Now here’s a piece of news that could be considered a semiotician’s wet dream: do you know who Richard Stallman is? Well, in case you’re too lazy to even click on that link to Wikipedia, let’s just say he’s a computer programmer who was become globally known as the leader of the “free software” movement. (also known as “people who want free shit”). You may recall reading about Mr. Stallman last year after he stirred quite a controversy when he said “he wasn’t glad Steve Jobs was dead but he was glad he was gone.” Still don’t know him? OK, never mind. Anyway, Mr. Stallman was invited to speak about free software at the UBA School of Economics last Friday and, predictably, had his personal computer, passport, medication and travel money stolen while he was giving his conference! So… karma? You know what, I take back what I said at the beginning. This week was amazingly funny.

• At long, last! After six interminable months devoid of music, dancing, and masturbatory material, the biggest TV show in the history of poor quality TV shows is back! (No, kids! I’m not talking about Ricardo Fort‘s megalomaniac extravaganza “Fort Night Show.” That one actually begins in eight days and it already looks like it’s gonna suck). I’m talking about the local version of Dancing With The Stars of course! The impressive opening last Monday, which lasted over 12 minutes, and I must admit is worth watching, featured the entire cast of Game of Thrones dancing to the tunes of Madonna, Adele, LMFAO and Michael Jackson. So it was pretty much the gayest 12-minutes in the history of television. Too bad after minute 13 it’s all downhill until December.

• By the way, if you’re not a pop culture connoisseur or you just arrived in this country and have no idea who Ricardo Fort is, let me just say that if Willy Wonka and The Situation from The Jersey Shore met at a bar one night and decided to have sex, he would be their illegitimate spawn. If you still don’t get the picture, here’s his already classic rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” which I have posted here a thousand times and will continue to post until I’m dead. Or he ‘s dead. Whichever comes first.

• Also, in unrelated news but somehow totally related: for months this image went viral on every social network last year, saying that every time you start watching Dancing With The Stars (hosted by Marcelo Tinelli) a book kills itself. So in some kind of poetic -yet depressing- twist of fate, last Monday night at 3:30 am and only a few hours after the Dancing With The Stars premiere was over, a water pipe in the Library of the City Legislature “mysteriously” broke and destroyed more than 13,000 invaluable books forever.

• Horror! For the first time in its 142 years, and in order to further perpetuate the notion (well… your notion) that this country is turning into North Korea, your favorite newspaper in the whole world (La Nación) failed to reach the newsstands due to a union conflict (workers demanding better salaries). So no, this time it wasn’t the Government trying to destroy free speech. Next week maybe, but not this time.

• This week saw the death of yet another singer you couldn’t care less about, this time was Memphis La Blusera‘s Adrian Otero. Since I know that you didn’t care about Estela Raval’s death last week and you don’t care about Otero’s death this week, let’s just be practical and move on. Sorry, everyone. There’s just no point in any of this.

• The reckless endangerment in this country continues, this time in the so-called “Poncho Rally (?)” in Catamarca. The good news is that, even though the driver could have killed dozens of bystanders that were casually standing on the side of the road, this time the only one getting kind of killed is him.

• Don’t worry, I said “kind of killed,” not “killed”. You can laugh without feeling any guilt.

• As signs of an impending zombie apocalypse continue to surface all over the world, a widow in Buenos Aires seems to have fully embraced the concept and decided to pimp the crypt in which her late husband is buried. She even has cable TV and everything! Now don’t laugh. Necrophilia is in this year. Don’t you watch True Blood? It’s basically a show about dead people fucking each other and so far I haven’t heard a qualm. It’s 2012, get over it.

• Shocking! The very aptly named “Happy Planet Index” shows that on the list of happiest countries on Earth, Argentina comes No. 17! You guys, that’s awesome! See? I told you those cacerolazos were nonsense. Everyone is happy here! Now, I have no idea how this is measured, how rigorous these studies are or how much bullshit factor is involved (not because I couldn’t find it, it’s all right there on the website. I just couldn’t be bothered to look it up). All I know is that if you live in the US, Mongolia or some landlocked African nation, chances are you are pretty pissed off right now.

• That cute little alpine town at the end of the world that you love so much (Ushuaia) is seemingly entering the Ice Age once again. Tierra del Fuego authorities reported that only last week it had already snowed half of what they would usually get in an entire season! People had to be evacuated and roads were closed, leaving the town completely isolated from the rest of the world. I’m not willing to bet on it, but I’m sure the people from the Happy Planet Index did not go all the way down there to ask how things were doing. Just saying.

• This week, in sports that I hate: Argentine football continues to
  

  Football. I fucking hate it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  spiral down into utter chaos while I rub my hands in delight at the prospect of seeing that ignominious sport cancelled or constitutionally banned for good. Let’s read about it, shall we?

• River Plate is fucked. No, for real this time. As if last year’s relegation to the National B had not been enough, 2012 seems to be slapping fans in the face with a sledgehammer. Last Sunday, before a match between River Plate and some team named Boca Unidos that at first I thought it was Boca Juniors but then I realized it was not, two of River’s hooligan factions clashed inside the stadium, leaving one of them dead. That’s right, these guys are killing each other and they even root for the same team! The murderer was arrested today in Mendoza. So smart, these guys.

• **UPDATE** The internet peoples have kindly pointed out that, contrary to what the local media initially said, the stab victim was  actually not a member of a hooligan faction. He was just a fan. Now, since I usually don’t give a shit about football I would have let it slide, but in this case we’re talking about someone’s death and this information had to be corrected.

• As rumors that the River Plate stadium could be shut down due to the murder were abound, a new controversy exploded this week after a player from the ignotus (at least for me) team Patronato de Paraná or something like that casually dropped during a press conference that River Plate authorities had offered them “incentives” (i.e. bribes) to win a match against Rosario Central for some reason. The nationwide outrage was immediate and now, if the accusations are proven true, River Plate could be facing a 4-month to 2-year suspension from all football activities. Oh, come on guys. That wouldn’t be so bad! I mean, there’s always tennis.

• A game between Gimnasia de la Plata and Ferro had to be suspended after someone, who I swear to God was not me but totally could have been, called in a bomb threat.

• Yeah, sorry. No Wikipedia links to Gimnasia de la Plata or Ferro. Oh, they do exist. I just didn’t care to do it.

• Diego Maradona, whose opinion for some reason that escapes logic still matters, felt compelled to intervene in Argentina’s favorite pastime: insulting Lionel Messi.  ”If people here keep making his life miserable here, Messi is going to stay there (Spain) and never come back to Argentina,” he said. Haha! Maradona, you silly. What makes you think he ever wants to come back in the first place? You’re funny. You’re a funny guy. Why don’t you go back to winning trophies instead of talking about stuff no one cares about? Oh, that’s right.

• Last but not least: remember a couple of weeks ago when Frankenstein led a hooligan protest against the head of the Independiente club after he launched his own personal crusade to diminish the power of those deranged football fanatics? Well, he’s back! And this time, the man who goes by the non-threatening sobriquet “Bebote” (Big baby), may not be wearing a Frankenstein mask, but chose an equally intimidating fashion item: the pibe chorro hoodie. Not only that, he tried to face the bellwether president of the club, Javier Cantero, outside his club at night while the TV cameras were rolling. The result is scary and hilarious at the same time.

• So here I am, cigar in one hand, glass of port in the other, as I watch the world of Argentine football collapse upon its own gravity, like a decadent black hole struggling to survive its unavoidable fate while ravaging everything on its path. And I couldn’t be more ecstatic.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Winter again!

And Friday too, but mostly winter!

Holy shit, you guys.

Have you all been freezing your asses or is it just me? Damn! This week we had a major temperature drop and we all woke up on Tuesday to realize we had been teleported to the South Pole.

For three straight days we had to put up with the whiners that complained about the lack of snow and who later started freaking out about the mild sleet that was dousing the city.

And no, just because it snows it doesn’t mean that “Buenos Aires is just like New York.” Shut up already.

And remember that if you see anyone sleeping on the street on these cold winter nights, you can always dial 108 (write it down!!) and let the City Government know where they are. They will pick them up and take them to a shelter to protect them from the polar wave.

There. Now that I’ve helped you become a better person, and that you have liked the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, this is what you need to know:

• 

  Downtown Buenos Aires this week. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Oh man, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is pissed. After last week – as I explained here – it became public that the queen of all-things-populist had over 3 million dollars in savings, even though her administration was urging everyone to start saving in pesos, she decided to give a press conference to announce her decision to “pesify” her savings (meaning, to convert them to pesos). You see people? She’s just like us. Except for the part the she has three million dollars and she’s President, but when it comes to everything else, she’s just like us. Let’s love her!

• Score one for the political opposition! Remember last week when I told you about Daniel Reposo? No? OK. He was the guy who was supposed to become the nation’s procurator-general and had submitted his typo-plagued résumé to the Senate so they could evaluate his credentials? Ah, see? I knew you would remember. Well it turns out there were much more “typos” involved, and after being grilled in the Senate for over 10 hours on Wednesday and responding to the opposition’s accusations with lukewarm rebukes at best, he finally freaked out and last night decided to withdraw his nomination. Reposo announced his decision in a series of letters that he sent to the President, to Vice-President Amado Boudou, to the UCR and the Victory Front parties. Surprisingly, there were no typos involved this time.

• [UPDATE] Sorry everyone! I appear to have spoken too soon, since as readers have kindly pointed out, his letters were riddled with typos. Real typos this time! He wrote “haber” like “aber” and mistook Clarín’s CEO Hector Magnetto with this guy from the X-Men. Thanks for the heads up, Internet people!

• Did you go to the big old Cacerolazo in Plaza de Mayo yesterday? I found it to be a lot less exciting than I though it would be, honestly. And if you went by some picturesque characters, it looked a little too much like a franchise of  the Tea Party movement. There was the guy wrapped in dollars, the guy saying that Argentina was turning into the Soviet Union, and the ladies banging their safety deposit boxes. Aside from that, there were others who legitimately protested some of the Government’s biggest flaws, like inflation, corruption and a growing insecurity. But you know how it is: if nothing is set on fire, then there’s nothing to see here, people.

• And no, you freaks. Twitter did not censor the #Cacerolazo trending topic. The simple explanation is that once a TT (in this case, “#Cacerolazo”) peaks, it will not show up again in order to make room for new TTs. In other words, they favor novelty over popularity. If you want to blame someone for this, don’t blame the Government, blame the Justin Bieber fans (like, for real).

• Also, I’m not one to join the Government’s crusade against Clarín, but lying by omission is also lying. Oh, and in this case the state news agency Telam may be right, but don’t worry, they do it too.

• Oh and also, do you want to take part in a cacerolazo but fear that holding a couple of frying pans over your head may betray your debonair, cool-looking exterior? There’s an app for that.

• So while the country is in tatters, what was the political leader of the opposition, our Lord Savior and future presidential candidate Mayor Mauricio Macri doing? Oh, he was busy playing guitar with the mayor of Lisbon, celebrating that Rock in Rio 2013 will take place in Buenos Aires and most definitely not in Rio, like its confusing name falsely advertises. The Mayor also announced that the music festival will take place in the abandoned – and quite possibly haunted – Parque de la Ciudad, in the distant neighborhood of Villa Soldati. Which means you will have no choice but to visit the so-called “uncharted territory” (i.e. anything below Rivadavia Av.) not once but twice next year (the second time being when you go to Creamfields, you pill-popping douchebags).

• As the 30th anniversary of the end of the Malvinas/Falklands War approaches (which means that, yes, once again we’re gonna have to put up with Cristina’s faux-motional speeches and David Cameron‘s preponderance of fear mongering exposition for a couple of weeks) the Government has announced that the five British oil companies carrying on exploration projects on the surroundings of the Malvinas/Falklands Islands are doing so “illegitimately,” in case you didn’t hear them the last two million times they said it.

• Meanwhile, in London: the British Government has accused Argentina of utilizing its “position in the world” to damage the islands’ economy, in case you didn’t hear them the last two million times they said it.

• Ah, here’s some progress! While attending an OAS General Assembly in Bolivia, dangerously insane Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman once again said the islands belonged to Argentina and urged the UK to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... But then I woke up and was happy to see that after his stern speech, he approached the British representative in the assembly, Fiona Clouder, and both were seen laughing and sharing an honest moment of camaraderie. Now this can only mean two things: A) That despite having a name that sounds like someone you would find in a Harry Potter novel, Ms. Clouder is a treacherous, ruthless double agent working with Argentina to bring the British Empire to its knees, or B) This whole bilateral conflict is just a ruse perpetrated by two nations desperately looking to stir up the masses and boost sentiments of nationalism in order to conceal an impending decline in widespread political support. In order to keep my sanity, I will go with the “double agent” version.

• Now here’s something you’ll find interesting: in its monstrous efforts to de-dollarize the economy, the National Government is drafting a bill that looks to make mandatory that all property-related transactions (rent/buy/sell) are carried out in Argentine pesos. If the bill is passed, you know what that means? That your landlord will no longer be able to charge you $1500 dollars for your shitty studio apartment in Palermo. Now it will have to be in pesos. It will still be ridiculously expensive, but in pesos. Hurray!

• Also, I’m sure your landlord will find a way to keep ripping you off every month. Sorry, I had to say that.

• By the way, this week in Fashion: Perfil‘s lady-oriented section “Rouge” has a great piece on how the hipster look has become “a thing.” Too bad the article is ten years too late, but here’s a golden star for the effort.

• Oh look! It also has a piece on how to “look preppy“, in case you haven’t been to Punta del Este in the last 150 years! Bookmark this one ladies, I have a feeling we’re going to be hearing a lot more from it!

• And speaking of fashion victims, remember how thieves used to break into designer stores to get into the cash register and steal all that money? Well, not anymore! It’s 2012, people. What guys want now are dresses. Lots and lots of dresses! At least that’s what it looks like if we go by this security footage from a store in Belgrano that was broken into at 2 am this week by two guys. Hey, not that I’m judging. You’re welcome to wear anything you want in my book as long as you’re comfortable with it. It’s the stealing part I’m not so crazy about.

• Finally! After years of neglectfulness and heartbreaking snubs, Sony Computer Entertainment announced this week that the much coveted PlayStation Network (you know, the one that got hacked last year and exposed the credit card information of millions of users) will arrive in Argentina in 2013. Not to rain on your parade, Sony Computer Entertainment, but the Wii U is coming out by the end of the year and you know the Argentines, they are like insatiable neophiles when it comes to technology. Better luck next time, you guys! And maybe don’t wait six long fucking years to acknowledge Latin America’s existence, you pricks.

• If you have a Claro line, be aware that you’ll get a $10 pesos discount next month. I’m not exactly sure what they did this time, but it probably involved stealing from you, so the government is spanking them in the ass again. Whatever. Now you know.

•  OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Try not to hyperventilate but feast your eyes on this, people! The official “Dancing With the Stars 2012” promotional photo has finally been released! I know the show’s premiere is still three days away but this will soothe our anxiety and help us make it through the weekend. Highlights this season, which will allegedly focus more on equality and less on tits and ass, include a one-legged dancer and a girl with down syndrome, a move that I personally applaud. The rest of the cast is made up of hookers and goldiggers as usual.

• Popular Latin pop singer Estela Raval passed away at 77 this week after a long battle with cancer. Don’t worry, you didn’t know who she was so you don’t need to mourn her. In the unlikely case you want to know who she was, here’s a link to her performance on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1967. Or something like that.

• You didn’t click on that did you? That’s OK, I’m not judging.

•  As the National Football Team arrived in New Jersey (US) for some game
  

  "Some chick who died," according to you. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  I’m not even gonna bother looking up what it’s about, the Argentine media was outraged – OUTRAGED! – that Americans were oblivious to the fact that Jesus 2.0 (A.K.A. Lionel Messi) was walking among them. Apparently for some reason that I will also not look up, Argentine San Antonio Spurs’ superstar Manu Ginobili stole Messi’s thunder. And since in the US football (or “the soccer”) is only played by little girls and tiger moms, nobody gave a shit. Hey! New Jersey sounds like my kind of place! Let me know when the entire cast of The Jersey Shore is dead, I may consider moving up there.

• As the football boys aimlessly toured the evil mecca of capitalism unnoticed, marveling at the alluring siren song of mass consumption and cotton candy, somewhat popular footballer Sergio “Kun” Aguero went on a shopping spree and purchased an Iron Man doll ”for his son.” Right.

• Oh, I’m sorry! You don’t think that was newsworthy? Well, look at you all nose up in the air, pompously wagging your finger at me, as if you were some kind of respectable journalist. Sorry to have to tell you this people, but Clarín, La Nación, Minuto Uno, Fox Sports and Radio Continental all beg to differ. And those, my friends, are serious news outlets offering relevant need-to-know information on a daily basis. What did you do today? Yeah. Didn’t think so.

• Last but not least: last weekend Argentina beat Ecuador 4-0 during a World Cup 2014 qualifier and the entire country was hysterical, over-celebrating and overreacting after every goal. And I say “overreacting” because I know you know this was a shitty game and that Ecuador didn’t really stand a chance, but you still pretended to be extremely excited and yelled like you just won the lottery. Yes. You should know that every time I see you jump off your chair screaming “GOAL!” during a game that really doesn’t make a difference, I am quietly judging you.

• Fuck football.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again! (That’s right, we’re back to using that one).

And what a week it’s been!

The dollar fever is on the rise and Argentines keep roaming the streets aimlessly, eyes injected in blood from all the whining, looking for a green bill that any lucky foreigner may be willing to part ways with. It’s like zombies, only they say “Dollars… dollars…” instead of “Brains… brains…”.

You know how it is, you’ve seen The Walking Dead.

You see, US dollars have become a commodity in the last few weeks due to the Government’s desperate attempts at stopping the country from bleeding money.

So if you’re abroad and are thinking of making a quick trip to good old Argieland, make sure you bring a big fat wad o’ cash. Preferably lots of Benjamins. If you sell them for pesos in the black market you may or may not be able to buy yourself a pretty little castle (moat included!) in this country.

But if you’re not abroad and are thinking of making a quick trip to the US, you’re fucked.

And now that I’ve ruined your life, and liked the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, this is what you need to know:

• 

  Have you seen any of these lately? If you have, call me. We need to talk. (Photo/Wikipedia)

   DESPAIR! Millions of Argentines are growing increasingly impatient to the Government’s new currency exchange policies which make it hard for common folk like you and me to buy dollars. And yes, I know I just mentioned that in the introduction but that was just that: an introduction and a hook to keep you interested. God knows the hate mail starts coming in as soon as you come across a paragraph that doesn’t contain a snarky remark or a punchline. So shut up and keep reading, I’m doing this to help you understand the gigantic clusterfuck we’re all immersed in right now.

• So like I was saying… DESPAIR! This week saw the passing of controversial Resolution 3333 which restricts currency trading even more. A day that will live in infamy! Because now if you want to travel abroad and need to buy dollars, it is very, very difficult to do so. You need to obtain a special permit from the AFIP tax agency and in order to do so you must prove that the money you’re using was obtained legally. So if you have an Argentine DNI, why not give it a shot? Visit the AFIP website, enter your personal information and get upset when your request is categorically denied. Congratulations! You’re now officially an Argentine citizen.

• What are you yelling at me for?! I never told you to move here.

• As millions of Argentines looking to buy dollars to travel abroad visited the infamous AFIP website hoping for an absolution, many started to realize something was slightly odd in the “Country of Destination” section of the form they were supposed to fill out. As people scrolled down through the list of countries they noticed Cold War relics such as Yugoslavia, the USSR and East Germany were available as possible “destinations,” in case you wanted to take a holiday in 1972. Soon the media (“the media” being mainly Clarín and La Nación, of course) began echoing the head scratching gaffe,  as if it were some kind of collective venting experience, a cathartic moment of joy universally known as the good old “Ha-ha!”.  So now you know: if you wanna go to Machu Picchu, don’t forget to click on “Incan Empire” as destination. You may end up in a different century, and if there’s something we have all learned from Back to the Future is that you do not fuck with time. You’re welcome.

• Ultra-Kirchnerite senator Aníbal Fernández, known for his capability to articulately defend the indefensible and also for his prominent mustache, obviously went out with guns blazing to attack those criticizing the new restrictions. “Argentina has to start thinking in pesos,” he said. “Only 11% of Argentines save in dollars, the rest of the population has nothing to do with it. For that reason, you have to make policies that make sense to everyone and give us similar solutions.” No punchline, right? Keep reading, it’s coming.

• One day after Fernández’s statements in which he urged Argentines to save in pesos, not dollars, the media (“the media” being mainly Clarín and La Nación, of course), published a detailed list of his personal savings, information that is available upon request in order to “keep corruption out of government” *cough*. And what do you know! Our mustached friend has US$24,000 stored safely away in his bank account! Naughty, naughty! Cornered, wounded and without much ammo left, when he was criticized once more by a journalist for preaching about something he wasn’t doing himself, he just exploded: “You know why I save in dollars? Because I fucking feel like it!” Oh, shit. He went there.

• One day and many screams from President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner later, the mustached crusader apologized for his statements and said he would get rid of his dollars eventually (“eventually” as in “never”). Did I mention the President still has US$3 million in savings? Because she does. But that’s OK, she’s the President. She can do whatever the fuck she wants.

• And indeed she can, apparently, because if you want to stay in her hotel in Calafate, you must bring dollars baby! Ah, democracy.

• Remember the recent accusations against Vice-President Amado Boudou? That’s OK, I didn’t expect you to. So here’s a link to it, so you can at least pretend to care. Anyway, one of the casualties of political war in this whole mess was Attorney General Esteban Righi, who resigned from office after Boudou suggested he had tried to bribe him. In his replacement, the Government suggested appointing current SIGEN head Daniel Reposo, a man you don’t know about or care about, and that’s OK because even if you did it wouldn’t make any difference. So Reposo showed up all cocky and proud at the steps of Congress and turned in his résumé, which would be subjected to great scrutiny in the congressional committees. Too bad Reposo seemed to forget this, because as soon as lawmakers began analyzing it they came across certain “irregularities,” (AKA lies) about his professional past. Let’s review them, shall we?

• Résumé says: “Speaker at UN conference alongside Ban Ki-moon.”
• Counterargument: UN says he just attended the event, never spoke.
• Official Government response: “It was a typo.”

• Résumé says: “Speaker at the XIII Ibero-American Conference of Public Administration Ministers in Venezuela.”
• Counterargument: Organization in Venezuela has no record of him ever speaking there.
• Official Government response: “It was a typo.”

• Résumé says: “Worked for the International Association of Jewish Lawyers and Jurists.”
• Counterargument: Association has no record of him ever working there.
• Official Government response: “It was a typo.”

• No, really, the Government is claiming these were all typos.  So check back next week when we find out he did not, in fact, run for president of the United States in the 90s and the he wasn’t a part of the Apollo 11 crew when they walked on the moon.

• Did you enjoy the cacerolazo last night? An alluring, exotic experience
  

  Join the super fun Cacerolazo tonight! It's just like the "Occupy" or "Indignant" movements, with the only difference that it is nothing like them. At all. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  for you, wasn’t it? People in Recoleta, Palermo and Belgrano (all middle-to-upper class neighborhoods *wink, wink*) decided they had had enough of “corruption, inflation, insecurity” and took to the streets to demand they are allowed to be rich and stuff. This guy even went viral worldwide! And to think that some of you even joined the protests! Look at you, how dangerously adventurous! Your parents would be proud! And here are some even greater news: in order to expand your anthropological studies of the Argentine society even further,  they are repeating it tonight! That’s right, starting at 10 pm, tonight’s nationwide cacerolazo is expected to be even bigger than last night’s! With some luck you may be able to experience what happened here 10 years ago when the country’s economy suffered its worst meltdown in history and it all went to shit. Seriously, who needs to go to the USSR in the 70s when you can go to Argentina in 2001? And you don’t even need an AFIP permit for this one.

• The Catholic Church is still freaking out about the recent Supreme Court ruling on abortion and is now supporting a bill drafted by the clergy that suggests offering cash incentives to women if they choose not to terminate their pregnancies.  Awesome idea, you guys! One question though: who’s supposed to pay for that if passed, the Pope? Oh I see, we’re gonna pay for that. Not you. Us! Splendid. Jesus must be rolling in his grave cloud.

• Not that you care or anything, but the Iguazu Falls have finally been awarded a plaque reading that they are part of the “New Seven Wonders of the World,” a private undertaking led by the New Open World Corporation that is not related in any way, shape of form to UNESCO, meaning that it’s total bullshit. Yeah, I know. I just completely ruined it for you, whatever.

• Also, if you don’t believe me, UNESCO is not very happy about it either.

• Great news, everyone! Now that cell phone companies have stolen billions from you, their loyal paying customers, the Government has finally decided that it’s not legal for them to charge you for making a call when the other side doesn’t pick up. The bad news is that you probably didn’t know this, and right now you’re going: “What?! You mean I been paying thousands of pesos for calls that never existed?!”. Yes. Yes I do mean that.  :)

• Oh and also, have you been having problems when sending a text message from your cell phone, especially if you have a Claro or Movistar line? Well, first of all you kind of deserve it because no one sends text messages anymore. Everybody uses Whatsapp. And second of all, don’t worry, it’s not your phone. According to Movistar, it’s Claro’s fault. Then again, according to Claro, it’s Movistar’s fault. And while both companies pilloried each other indirectly in the twitterverse, I’m pretty sure all those text messages you sent and never arrived were added to your bill accordingly. Do you want me to end this one with a happy face too, so it makes you feel a little better? OK, here it is.

•  Now, I don’t mean to freak you out but the new season of the local version of Dancing With The Stars (“Bailando por un Sueño“) officially has a premiere date! That’s right friends! On June 11th. our favorite host Marcelo Tinelli and his army of high-class hookers professional dancers are taking over the airwaves again! So grab your kids, pour yourself some glass of fine wine, light up a cigar and sit right next to the chimney so you can enjoy some quality television with the family. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get some tits and ass, all on the same night! God knows humanity is still recovering from what happened last year (watch the 1:45 mark).

• Speaking of poor taste: Behold! After many days of uncertainty and intrigue, former has-been model and current Who’s-that-again Katie Price released the much coveted portfolio of her new lingerie line “Katie’s Boutique,” exclusively sold at Store Twenty One (“exclusively” as in “no other store would want to sell it”). Now if you’re wondering why this is news in Argentina (I would be if I were you), it is because as you may recall, Katie is still dating former TV lifeguard and current boyfriend-of-Katie-Price Leandro Penna, who – you guessed it – is featured largely in the racy photographs.  Which means everyone here was talking about it. That’s right people. This is what passes for news nowadays. Deal with it.

• Also, the British may be sending a nuclear submarine this way, but the Argentines send them Leandro Penna. A nuclear blast may be a more effective, immediate solution to end a conflict, but the dumbing down of a cultural heritage has more harmful, lasting effects than the radioactive fallout. Five more years of his insightful brainfarts on Twitter and BAM! The Falkland Islands belong to Argentina again.

• Before we jump into the next bullet point, let me just make it abundantly clear that I had nothing to do with it. Got it? So no hate mail. Fan mail is OK, though. OK? OK.

• Millions of football fans around the world shrieked in horror last Monday when, while checking Twitter to learn the latest about the football world minutiae, realized that Fox Sports Norte tweeted that probable cyborg Lionel Messi had died. As panic began spreading throughout the international football community and many prayed that the tweet was actually referring to the other, less-popular Lionel Messi, the real Messi came back from the dead and announced he was, in fact, very much alive. So I guess all those idiots that have been calling him “the Messi-ah” these last few years had kind of a point.

• Then again, Fox Sports Norte later announced their Twitter account had been hacked, so no. They didn’t.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And I have bad news for you: the Malvinas clusterfuck is back in full force!

Because now that the YPF expropriation bill has been passed, what other nationalist cause are we going to be distracted with? The 2014 World Cup is still more than two years away, so that’s a no.

So I guess there’s no choice but to dust off the Malvinas playbook and start yelling at British people again.

Here’s everything you need to know (but don’t want to know):

• 

  Wenlock and Mandeville, the terrifying mascots of the 2012 London Olympics. I don't condone violence but I must admit it will be funny to see an Argentine athlete kicking them in the crotch in order to make a point about Malvinas. Not because I care about the islands, but because they're just plain ugly. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Since I’m sure you didn’t go to Velez for the Cristina-palooza last week, here’s the 40-minute speech she gave before thousands of flag-waving, ecstatic youngsters who attended the event to celebrate her existence. Since I’m willing to bet my life that you didn’t click on that link, let me tell you: she basically glorified young people as the future of the nation and told the crowds to remain “united and organized.” Also there was a lot of yelling, even though she was standing two centimeters away from the microphone. All in all, a positive experience for those who survived the yelling.

• Meanwhile this week, Cristina’s arch-nemesis and opposition leader City Mayor Mauricio Macri, was tweeting some photos about his session of calisthenics and something that looks like him awkwardly tango dancing with another guy. I tell ya, this guy is a workaholic.

• In what could be considered the most awkward exchange of passive-aggressive smiles and ice-cold stares since Alien Vs. Predator, newly appointed Argentine ambassador to the UK Alicia Castro put British Foreign Secretary William Hague in the hot seat as he launched the annual world review of human rights at a ceremony in London.  Sitting right in front of him on the first row as he took the podium, Castro once again repeated the local government’s mantra regarding the Malvinas/Falklands and asked him point blank (or “ambushed,” as The Telegraph put it) if he was ready to give peace a chance. Enjoy the video.

• The UK, of course, said it was “disappointed” at her behavior, but Castro is a maverick, she doesn’t give a fuck.

• Since this Wednesday marked the 30th. anniversary of the sinking of the General Belgrano cruiser during the Malvinas War, Cristina found yet another excuse to hold a ceremony related to the Malvinas. In a televised speech she gave from the Pink House she inaugurated the  brand new (*rolls eyes*) “Malvinas Argentinas Courtyard” and then she defended ambassador Castro’s actions, saying that “refusing to engage in dialogue is unsustainable,” a funny thing to say considering she refuses to talk to journalists since like, ever. She also criticized the permanent members of the  UN Security Council (i.e.: the US and the UK) saying that they always force other countries to follow UN resolutions but they themselves refuse to abide by them, which is actually kind of true.

• Sorry, we’re not done talking about Malvinas yet. But here, take a break from that subject and enjoy this awesome/terrifying video.

• Alright, I’m sure you feel refreshed now. And dirty. Let’s go back to Malvinas.

• The 2012 London Olympics are right around the corner, and God knows what kind of fuckery will transpire there between the Argentine and the British teams. But if what happened this week is any indication, we’re in for a fun winter of gold medals and diplomatic shenanigans that will certainly end once the Olympic torch goes out and David Cameron little-boys Buenos Aires.  Everyone in the UK and the Malvinas/Falklands was up in arms yesterday after a controversial TV spot aired in Argentina, depicting the Argentine national hockey team captain Fernando Zylberberg “training” on the islands. As if that weren’t insulting enough (for the British), the ad concludes with the phrase “To compete on British soil, we train on Argentine soil.” Oh, snap!

• Yellow press crusader The Sun, of course, took it one step further and ran this headline. Dramaqueenism at its best.

• And to add insult to injury, the ad was created by Young & Rubicam, an advertising agency that belongs to – you guessed it – a British company.  God, August cannot come fast enough. I’m gonna have so much to write about I may have to start doing a Daily News Roundup.

• In YPF news, I totally spoiled it at the beginning already but the
  

  Many criticized The Sun for printing such a disrespectful headline after the sinking of the General Belgrano. But many more failed to realize that even more disrespectful is that The Sun is all about girls showing their tits. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  expropriation bill has been passed, which means that Argentina now owns 51 percent of the oil company. Yay!

• Also this week, two romantic revolutionaires decided that a good way to make a point about something was to set off a bomb outside the European Union‘s offices in Recoleta. God bless these people, and their fight for peace by blowing stuff up.

• Another tourist allegedly raped in Salta. The suspect has already turned himself in, assuring that he was in a relationship with the victim, a 21-year-old Swiss woman who was doing volunteer work there. I have no idea what the hell is going on there, but stay away.

• Also in Salta this week, since such attacks pose a PR nightmare to the tourism industry there, the media (that’s us!) found a way to distract the population with a most sensationalist story that was covered by every network in the country: the tragic, heartbreaking story of an 8-year-old girl that was seen driving around in a car.

• No, really. That happened. And boy, people were outraged. I mean, look at that video! The low quality! The shaky camera! The epic soundtrack! Rape? What rape?

• Now onto the football part, which always comes last because it is obviously the least important one: Congratulations football megastar Lionel Messi! Not only you’re going to be a father soon, but this week you broke yet another record! After scoring his 68th. goal this season, Messi broke the record for goals scored in a European club season, previously held by some German guy called Gerd Müller. I have no idea what any of this means, all I know is that I get more internet hits thanks to it.

It’s Friday, people!

And I have great news: I’m still here!

I know that last week I may have suggested that the local Government was en route to arrest me for considering me an enemy of the state due to my treacherous citizenship and was planning to ship me off to the Argentine Guantanamo, but it turns out it was all a huge misunderstanding! (Basically, I made it all up.)

So, what else is new? Oh, right. The Fall is basically extinct, and in further evidence that Argentina is approaching a “tropical country” status largely due to climate change, last week we went to bed while enjoying a warm, summer night and woke up the next morning freezing to death. I’m not kidding, this week it was actually colder in some areas of Argentina than in Antarctica.

So hurry up, my fellow hibernation enthusiasts, and learn the facts before we’re all encased in ice for the rest of eternity under half a kilometer of snow.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  In a distant past (2010) people would stride great lengths and travel en masse to the International Book Fair just to catch a glimpse of the so-called "books." Now everyone's hooked on e-books, so no one gives a shit. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  The Argentine Senate has preliminary approved the YPF expropriation bill, which is now headed to the Lower House floor. Lawmakers believe the bill could be finally passed next Wednesday, unless NATO bombs us first.

•  Still, it seems my country (Spain) will have to swallow its words and find a different approach to the whole YPF controversy. After what started as a grim warning of how terrible Argentina’s decision to expropriate the oil company was, the outrage seemed to fade out as the week progressed and the Spanish government found that pretty much no one was willing to join the administration’s plans to bomb Buenos Aires. International organizations such as the IMF and the World Bank, as well as the European Union and the US feigned disappointment and indignation for a couple of minutes, but then swiftly washed their hands from the whole thing by calling it a “bilateral issue.” Sure, the European Commission has warned that Argentina’s decision will have “dire consequences” for the population’s future, but there’s not much more they can do. Except bomb us.

• I’m done with this YPF thing for today, I promise. Although don’t get too excited. Malvinas is coming up next.

• The brand new Argentine ambassador in London, Alicia Castro, first published an interesting op-ed on Malvinas (See? I told you) in the conservative British newspaper The Telegraph, which caused the faces of all its readers to melt, Indiana Jones-style. She then formally presented the UK government with a proposal to restore commercial flights between the Malvinas Islands and Buenos Aires, as a friendly gesture. Then the islanders said no, which sucks because I was really hoping to score me some low-cost tickets for one of these long weekends. Think about it, the Malvinas could be a great place to celebrate Spring Break. British pubs, the sea and lots and lots of penguins. It doesn’t get any better than that. Come on, islanders!

• If you are a passionate follower of President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, chances are: a) You hate me for being “anti-Kirchnerite” (even though I’m not), and b) You’re not reading this before you’re heading over to the Vélez stadium in Liniers to attend the Cristina-palooza that is taking place today at 6 pm! (You’ve probably seen the posters while walking down the street, summoning everyone to go show their support for the President). And if you’re wondering what the hoopla is all about, what big announcement she’s going to make, this is the best part: it’s about nothing. You know, like Seinfeld. No, seriously. The whole point of the rally is to have a stadium full of people calling her name, while she gives an impassioned speech showing how strong she is. That way she can persuade NATO from bombing us all next Wednesday.

• If you’re wondering why the Subte has been going on strike almost everyday lately, here is why (not that you care). Long story short, since the whole subway system is a ticking time bomb on the verge of collapse and neither the National nor the City governments want to take care of it, the Subte employees are selflessly trying to raise awareness about how unprotected us passengers are, while putting their entire careers at risk over charges of insubordination.  Also, they want more money.

• Great news everyone! You know when you’re standing in the immigration line to enter/leave Argentina at the Ezeiza airport and you realize you didn’t bring a pen with you so you can’t fill out those pesky immigration forms? Well, not to worry because as of now the Government has finally implemented the new digital terminals with a biometric system. How exotic and 21st century of yours, Argentina! It’s almost like in the US! (Without the paranoia).

• Terrible news everyone! You know when you’re standing in the luggage belt after landing at the Ezeiza airport (don’t make me link to Wikipedia again) and you realize your suitcases have been ripped open and someone has stolen your Toblerones, your iPod, your iPad, your iLaptop or whatever and your digital camera because you were dumb enough to put them in your suitcase instead of carrying them with you? Well, it is still happening (which you should have guessed since I started this bullet point by saying “Terrible news everyone!”).  The Ezeiza airport police arrested 15 employees this week who were found responsible of stealing hundreds of items from careless travelers in the last couple of years. So remember that next time you send off your blackberry in a giant suitcase because you can’t be bothered to carry it.

• I guess being afraid of having your stuff stolen somewhat counts as being paranoid, so there! The local airport experience is now just like in the US.

• Argentina, you’re on (technologically speaking) fire! Since apparently the biometric system at the airport was not enough to make us look cool, now taxis will gradually begin offering passengers the possibility of paying with a credit or debit card. Fancy! So far only “15 or 20 taxis” have been provided with a wireless card reader in order to test the new methodology and “see what happens.” Really? “See what happens”? What could happen? You pay and you get out of the car! Am I missing something here? Whatever. Good luck catching one of those “15 or 20″ taxis in a city of three million people.

• Have you visited the International Book Fair in Plaza Italia yet? Why not? Never mind.

• Well if you had been there on opening day, you would have witnessed the hilariously tragic crossfire between Education Minister Alberto Sileoni and the City’s Culture Minister Hernán Lombardi (I know you didn’t click on any of those links, by the way). You see, since both of them were asked to give a speech at the opening ceremony, Lombardi (at odds with Cristina) seized the opportunity to attack the National Government for last month’s “ban on books” fiasco. Sileoni, of course, pretty much told him to fuck off while the audience booed and clapped and stuff. All in the name of education and culture, people.

• [ADDENDUM] Jesus, people! OK, I get it. I got like 15 emails from you and one guy even complained about it below. There are no “boos” to be heard in the Feria del Libro video, even though they existed. Sorry I gave you hope on some “boos” everyone! And if you still need to satisfy your blood lust, here’s a video from a couple of years ago when Cuban dissident Hilda Molina presented her book at the fair and leftist groups decided to crash her event and ruin it, all in the name of freedom of speech. Now fuck off.

• Oops! Back in 2008,  58 Pre-Columbian artifacts dating from 500
  

  Hotel Eden. Nazis welcome. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  to 1000AD, with a cumulative value estimated at around US$ 700,000, were mysteriously stolen from the Ambato Museum in La Falda, Córdoba. How exciting and Hollywoodesque, right? Even more intriguing, the Ambato Museum is located inside the creepy Hotel Eden, a mythical place that once hosted Che Guevara and Albert Einstein. What’s worse, according to historians, its owners were staunch Adolf Hitler supporters (no surprise there) and had personally offered their hotel as a hideout to the fuhrer in case things didn’t go as planned after World War II. How awesome is this story, huh? You’ve got the fifth Indiana Jones movie right here. The script is writing itself! But alas, it turns out it wasn’t the Neo-Nazis trying to revive Hitler and Che Guevara by casting some ancient indigenous spell only described in one of the stolen artifacts. Nah, that’s too contrived. They were actually in the hands of a City Government official who moonlights as an art collector, obviously. The guy has claimed that he purchased the items “in good faith” and that he had no idea that they were stolen, while City Hall has denied that the guy was working for them. Whatever the case may be, it’s a thousand times less exciting than the possibility of a fight to the death between zombie Hitler and zombie Che Guevara while the fate of humanity hangs in the balance.

• I know, I have issues. Leave me alone.

•  This week, in “The Football“: TRAGEDY! In an unexpected turn of events that has the global scientific community at a loss, infallible, human-like deity Lionel Messi failed to score against the Chelsea this week, triggering an unstoppable chain of events that has ended in the shaming and collapse of Spain as a sports legend worldwide. And we all know what this means. THIS. That’s it, folks. Messi is now officially on the way down. Sure, he reached the pinnacle of his almighty glory these last few years, but deep down we all knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this charade up for long. Now, I don’t know much about football (that’s why every week I keep feeding you inaccurate information when it comes to games, and teams and players and shit. It’s not that I fail at gathering the correct information. I just don’t care about getting it), but one thing is clear: when you fail once, the deep scrutinizing begins. “Is something wrong with him?” or  ”Messi hits rock bottom!” are some of the statements coming from the pundits who allegedly know what they’re talking about. So now it’s only a matter of time before he gives in to cocaine, alcohol and prostitutes (you know, like a certain someone) and he ends up in a distant outpost in the Middle East while engaging in mischief and tomfoolery largely due to cultural differences (you know, like a certain someone).

• You thought I was going to compare him to Diego Maradona, didn’t you? Please, like I’m that predictable.

• Oh, shit: The local press is saying that Lionel Messi’s girlfriend is pregnant. And so the collapse of an idol begins.

• Erik Lamela (someone I never heard of before but apparently used to play for River Plate so I guess he was kind of important), has having some sort of a kerfuffle with another player and decided to settle their argument by spitting on him. So here’s the video, which is totally disappointing because you can see him pursing his lips but you cannot see the actual spit. And let’s face it, that’s the only reason why you would click on that link in the first place. Still, Spitgate was so big this week that I decided to mention it, just to keep you in the loop. Because I know you don’t give a shit about Cristina’s speech today. But the spit incident? You have to know all about that!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday (the 13th) again!

And while we’re all horrified by the lack of cup sleeves at the local Starbucks because of import restrictions, at least your friendly (and not-so-friendly) emails put a smile on my face.

Let’s take a look at this week’s submissions, shall we?

• “Friday wasn’t just a guy in Robinson Crusoe.” – Steven L.

• “Facepalm Fridays!” – Agustín C.

• “Your weekly dose of basic, dumbed down knowledge is here!” – Kate A.

• And a special mention for Gaspar C., whose submission didn’t really qualify as an opener because it’s an image, but made me laugh out loud when he closed his message with: “Kiss my ass if you don’t like it.”

Alright, no more fucking around. This is what you need to know:

• 

  You're probably wondering why there's a photo of a choripán vendor here. Now, now, don't be anxious. Keep reading and you'll understand. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Phew, man! It’s a good thing that the whole Malvinas/Falklands debacle has quietly faded into the night, because now we’re at war with Spain. That’s right, first the United Kingdom and now Spain! It’s the 1800′s all over again! Because… you know what happened in the 1800′s right?  RIGHT?! Seriously, I don’t even know why I keep trying with you. It wouldn’t kill you to learn at least some BASIC Argentine history! This is where you’re living, after all! OK, cue the elevator music from this episode of The Simpsons because you’ve got some Wikipedia to read. First, in 1806, the British army invaded the Spanish colonies located in the Rio de la Plata region, waaaaaaay before they were called “Argentina.” Well, actually just four years. Then, for some reason that I’m sure is clearly described in that Wikipedia article that I just linked this to, the British army lost and went back to whatever country they came from. But then, in 1810, the Argentines all decided they didn’t want to be a part of Spain any more and hence the War of Independence came.  (Spoiler alert: Argentina won).

• There, now you understand the joke. Too bad that having to explain it totally kills the mood and now it’s not funny anymore.

• But I digress. Where was I? Right. War with Spain. Well, the thing is that Argentina is pissed with Repsol YPF, a Spanish oil company that holds a large part of its assets in Argentina after it bought local oil producer YPF in 1999. Apparently the Fernández de Kirchner administration is upset because the company is not investing enough in local exploration and exploitation, so they are threatening with nationalization.  Spain, my home country, is going through a lot of shit right now so it’s not time to lose more money. Their response? WAR!! Well, maybe not war but they’re angry. Let’s just hope I don’t get deported or locked up as a prisoner of war.

• But hey, not all is dark on the horizon. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner yesterday announced that very soon the delicious Swiss Milka chocolates (which are anything but Swiss since until now they were being manufactured in Brazil and belong to global Kraft Foods, Inc.) will be manufactured in Argentina.  See? There’s always a silver lining for everything. You just need to keep it positive.

• As thousands of people in the City and the Greater Buenos Aires areas were still trying to recover physically and mentally from the unexpected attack of what scientists later confirmed was a pseudo-tornado, Mayor Mauricio Macri went missing last week. Literally. No one had any idea of where he was! As his Cabinet was trying to deal with the aftermath of one of the worst storms to hit Buenos Aires in like, ever, Macri was MIA. #DondeestaMacri was the No.1 Trending Topic on Twitter, and the scandal spawned an endless string of internet memes that went from Where’s Waldo? to Missing Children spoofs. After a few days of despair, anxiety (and excitement, maybe) Macri reappeared safe and sound. Turns out he was just vacationing in San Martín de los Andes! And that is a totally fair excuse, come on everyone. It was only 17 people who died. To cut your holidays short you need at least fifty! That is why it was perfectly correct to be outraged about Cristina’s disappearance after the Once railway tragedy (51 died) but not OK to yell at Macri over this one. Coherence, people!

• This week, in News You Couldn’t Care Less About: The embezzlement case against Vice-President Amado Boudou is seemingly spiraling out of control and has already claimed its first political victim. Prosecutor-General Esteban Righi has tendered his resignation. Now that we’ve cleared that out of the way, let’s move on to happier, less concentration-demanding news.

• In what could probably be considered the worst on-off relationship since Ross and Rachel, US president Barack Obama has once again asked to meet privately with Cristina when they both cross paths in Colombia this Saturday to attend the Summit of the Americas. We still don’t know what he wants to talk about, but considering that our favorite deranged-yet-adorable Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez will also be attending the summit, I can totally see the three of them running around the hotel at night, causing mischief and dealing with double entendres in front of the Secret Service. Then when Obama questions Cristina for engaging in “shady businesses” with Chávez for so many years, she can always argue that they were on a break.

• If you’re still trying to get that joke, clearly you didn’t watch enough television in the 90′s. Don’t blame me for such a cryptic pop culture reference. This is totally your fault.

• [UPDATE] Unfortunately President Hugo Chávez couldn’t attend the Summit due to health-related issues. But hey, at least we got this, which is ten times better.

• Now, this story may sound like a joke but I swear to God it’s not. Córdoba city, that beautiful, progressive, always-sunny, expat-friendly place has decided they’re not gonna take it anymore and finally banned the selling of Choripan during the day. That’s right, people. If you are a choripán vendor in Córdoba (chances are you aren’t), you will only be able to sell them to drunk, overdosed teenagers trying to detox their bodies from the liters of fernet poisoning their blood by absorbing pounds of disgusting, bacteria-infested fat in the middle of the night. The funniest thing is that no one is really sure as to why the Córdoba legislature voted in favor of such a ridiculous piece of legislation. So there. No more choripán for you.

• Oh, please! Stop shaking your head, as if things like that didn’t happen in your home country (I’m looking at you specially, American readers. Don’t make me embarrass you by showing this to people. And yes, that is an actual law).

• [UPDATE] After billions of angry citizens threatened to democratically assassinate all Córdoba lawmakers if they didn’t “release the choripanes,” the city’s Legislature has agreed that vendors will be able to sell them during the day, but they will need a special permit for that. The reason for the ban is that last week the Córdoba Health services shut down two choripán stands after they were found to be infested with rats. So there. Fancy a choripán now?

• You’re still listening to that “Land of Chocolate” music, aren’t you? You
  

  I don't know who this person is. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  were supposed to turn it off minutes ago. Just saying.

• Great news, people addicted to prostitution! A City court has decided that having a Zona Roja (Red Zone) in the Bosques de Palermo area is absolutely legal.  Defined by some as “a mined field of used condoms,” the Zona Roja is a place for the whole family. During the day, the children get to run around the park while mommy spreads a blanket on the grass. During the night, daddy shows up and spreads the legs of a prostitute while he smokes some grass. So remember that next time you head over to El Rosedal to work on your abs. That thing stuck on your hair may not be a balloon.

• Remember a couple of weeks ago when a guy killed himself in Plaza Francia, right in front of the children? Well, this week another guy with suicidal tendencies decided it would be a good idea to cut his veins in Plaza de Mayo. The good news is the police persuaded him not to do it, much to the chagrin of the bystanders who were totally hoping for the blood to start splattering their faces, as you can see in this video.  So, wanna bet which is going to be the next plaza ruined by a weapon-wielding maniac? My money is on Parque Las Heras. There’s just so much happiness in that place, it’s disgusting.

• If you’re still shaking your torches and pitchforks in the air over the price of Yerba Mate, then I have some good news for you. The President has warned that if producers don’t lower the price of the much-coveted product, she will have no choice but to enact the Supply Law, a law passed in 1973 that establishes that producers who speculate with essential goods could be fined or even arrested. Like I said last week, I don’t like mate so I really don’t care if you’re going through yerba mate withdrawal. But good news for you, I suppose.

• A premature baby in Chaco made the news around the world this week when, 12 hours after being declared stillborn, she was found alive in the morgue by her mother. It is still unclear how five different doctors who checked the baby failed to notice she was breathing, but fortunately they have all been suspended and there is an ongoing investigation. Since yesterday, according to the local media, the “miracle baby” is not doing so good. So fingers crossed for you, little girl.

• This week, in “the football”: Diego Maradona (who else) said Pelé was “stupid” because he said Neymar (I don’t know who that is) is a better football player than Lionel Messi (I do know who that is but don’t hold it against me). And yes, that is all I have to say about football this week. If you are looking for information on matches, and tournaments, and stuff you’ve come to the wrong place, my friend.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono