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Argentina News Roundup: 26th December 2013


Pomfret Fish (image courtesy of Wikipedia)

Pomfret Fish (image courtesy of Wikipedia)

Seventy Injured in Fish Attack: More than 70 people have been injured after a shoal of pomfret fish attacked bathers who had taken to the waters of the Río Paraná in Rosario. The injured included seven children, among them a young girl who had part of her little finger amputated in the incident. The attack by the pomfret, which are similar to piranhas, was deemed to be extremely rare by the city’s Undersecretary of Health, Gabriela Quintanilla, who said they only come towards the shore in very specific climatic conditions, and that the last time such an invasion of the fish took place was in the 1970s.

Man Killed in Blackout Protest: A 40-year-old man has been killed after being shot by an off-duty police officer during a protest over blackouts in the Buenos Aires neighbourhood of Flores. Ángel Duarte was part of a group of protestors who were gathered on the corner of Avs. Directorio and Quirno on Tuesday night, stopping the cars from passing, when a man pulled out a gun and shot at the group. The aggressor, who was later detained, was identified as a off-duty federal police officer who was working in the transit section of the police at the time of the incident.

The country’s energy crisis continues as some homes see their ninth consecutive day without electricity, leading many to spend Christmas without power. Some local resident, furious at the lack of power in temperatures topping 38ºC (100ºF), have cut roads around the capital in protest, with blockades reported in Av. Corrientes and Serrano in Villa Crespo, and a section of Autopista Dellepiane, the highway to Ezeiza airport. Parts of the country are on red alert as a result of the temperatures, with the Health Ministry advising people to stay hydrated, avoid drinking too much alcohol or sugary drinks, and use sunblock and hats if undertaking any outdoor activity.

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Last Weekly News Roundup Ever, February 22nd.


Repeat with me for the last time: It’s Friday again!

That’s right, people. After several years, many months, many columns and a shitload of bullet points, the Weekly News Roundup has come to an end.

I’m gonna give you a few seconds for that to sink in.
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Really? I thought you’d be more distraught. Anyway, this is it.

And no, I haven’t been threatened with deportation by the Government. No, I haven’t been fired from the Independent. Sometimes, however, you just feel that it’s time to move on to other things and I must admit that for me the time has come.

Now, I don’t want you to think I’m going away. Because I’m not. So to all the haters out there heaving a sigh of relief, thanking the Argentine gods that I wasn’t going to be around anymore to challenge their ill-acquired truths safely stored inside an impermeable bubble, I’m sorry to say that you’re not getting rid of me. On the contrary, my next task is to directly attack that bubble. But that’s another story and you will soon understand what I mean.

Back in 2010 I began writing this column after some guy I met in a bar told me he had been living in Argentina for two years and “he didn’t know or care to know who the president was”. Things got even worse when I mentioned Cristina and he replied: “Dude! The president has a girl’s name?!”

OK, so he wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. But he still got me to think that many expats living in this country (not all of them, obviously), be it due to the language barrier or just the fact that they didn’t give a shit, were experiencing Argentine reality from behind a Plexiglass. They could see everything that was happening around them, but they were not able to join it.

So on a rainy Friday, more specifically on August 20th, 2010, I wrote this piece of crap.

Thirty months later, this column has become a primordial aspect of my life. It has become my signature, my voice, my shrink. But above all, it has allowed me to connect with all of you who looked for a place to engage in collective catharsis and blow off some steam. And I’m immensely thankful for your buena onda.

Yes, even you haters. Your regular hate mail has managed to make my days brighter many times, so come here you rascals and give me a hug.

And like I said before, this isn’t goodbye. This is just an “I’ll be back in a few weeks in a different way“. Until then, you’re on your own.

Scary, isn’t it?

 

This is what you need to know:

This is it, kids.

  • That thing with Iran keeps dominating the news this week (and by “thing with Iran” I mean the signing of a bilateral accord between Argentina and Iran that would create a Truth Commission in order to investigate the 1994 AMIA bombing) and people aren’t happy. Specially because the Kirchnerite party, with a majority in both houses of Congress has decided to pass a bill authorizing it despite the fact that the entire Jewish community in the country is against it. The Senate passed the bill yesterday and sent it to the Lower House, where they expect it will be debated as soon as next week.
  • But since we know that what we really crave as human beings are anecdotal politics, here is Kirchnerite Senate majority leader Miguel Angel Pichetto, who in the heat of the debate made a distinction between “Jewish Argentines and Argentine Argentines.” Oops!
  • But wait! Pichetto says he’s sorry for discriminating on the Jews, specially because he’s gonna get sued and all. So there, problem solved. Moral of the story: don’t fuck with the Jews.
  • You have probably heard about this since it has been all over the news for the last few days, but I still need to address it. First, this happened last Sunday.
  • The problem with that story is that, since the person who was driving the car is the son of a prominent Government-friendly journalist named Eduardo Aliverti, the polarized media is giving us two choices of reality, and as usual we can choose the one we like more:
  • Pro-Government media: Oh, that poor boy (the driver, of course). How unfair to accuse him of hitting someone with his car and not giving a shit about it. Despite being extremely drunk, he still picked up the body of the (clearly reckless) cyclist and drove him to the closest toll both where he asked for help. Verdict: Obviously innocent. It’s all of us who must be blamed for living in such a judgmental society.
  • Anti-Government media: The driver is clearly a monster who hit the cyclist and carried his dead body for as long as he wanted because he didn’t care, because he’s the son of a journalist who likes the Government so he gets special protection so nothing is going to happen to him so he deserves to rot in jail because clearly he is a serial killer. Verdict: Obviously guilty. Also, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner should resign because somehow this is all her fault.
  •  Speaking of car accidents: Damn it, kids! How many times have I told you to always look both ways when you’re crossing the street? If you don’t learn the easy way then it’s time for you to learn the hard way. Watch please.
  • Oh, stop covering your eyes. No one died! In fact, they barely got hurt. Which means those two girls are either superhuman or a couple of crash test dummies that came back to life at night, like those toys in Toy Story 3 did, and got run over while they trying to get to a bar.
  • Also, you gotta love the creepy bastard who spent five hours in front of his computer editing that footage, providing us with the same shocking images over and over again.
  • And dude, a soundtrack? Really?
  • This week, in the department of “No shit, Sherlock“, Infobae tells us that when it comes to internet download speeds, Argentina is ranked number 109 in the world, between the Reunion Islands, which you didn’t even know existed, and Barbados, a place you only know because an episode of Friends took place there once. Now you know why people aren’t much into internet porn around here. It’s not because we’re puritans, but because by the time the video is done downloading, the excitement’s worn off.
  •  A crane fell in a construction site in Puerto Madero, killing one person and injuring two others. Don’t worry, nothing happened to the Faena Hotel.
  •  Meanwhile, in Dubai, Diego Armando Maradona was back to his usual hijinx when he decided to appear via telephone on live television and discuss the trials and tribulations of having to deal with a new offspring with his daughter Dalma in front of 40 million people. Yeah, that’s right. We jump from the somber platforms of the Once train station to the never ending stupidity of Maradona in a single bullet point. It’s my last column. Let me be.
  • Anyway. Dalma, who despite being like 100 million years old is behaving like a spoiled brat who is jealous of her newborn sibling, went to a TV show to cry on camera and say waaaah waaaah waaaah. Maradona, who at the time may or may have not been drunk/high, made a surprise appearance via Skype or something, and began asking everyone why his daughter had left the set even though she hand’t left the set. “I’m right here!”, the little Maradona spawn said like a million times to no avail.
  • Damn it, I’m right here!” she said again. Now it was just sad.
  • After a series of semi incoherent ramblings about who knows what, he finally said he was tired of the putos periodistas (faggot journalists) who are willing to do whatever is necessary to find a story. “Ricardo Fort isn’t the only faggot in Argentina,” he warned. Classy! Because the conversation wasn’t bizarre enough, now Ricardo Fort becomes a part of the equation. So there he is, everyone. That’s your role model. That’s the kind of person you idolize. Feel good about yourself?
  • You know what’s worse? Football and the tabloid press are two things I despise. And yet, here we are. Ironic, isn’t it?
  • Well aware that I was retiring from the Weekly News Roundup business today, Cristina didn’t waste any time and decided this was the perfect time to launch a new network suspiciously named DeporTV. The ceremony inaugurating the new channel, which is aimed at promoting sports (meaning football), featured all mandatory Government cliches, including:
  1. Football as the catalyst for human redemption:  “I have heard from many neighborhood leaders how Fútbol para Todos changed lives in the neighborhoods, because the kids, and the husband too, stay at home,” Cristina said. “They no longer have to go to the gas station or bar to watch but can instead watch the game all together, eating torta fritas at home.” I know you can’t see me right now, but you have no idea how fast my eyes are rolling.
  2. The dictatorship: “The event was also used to honor athletes that were forced to leave Argentina during the 1950s and forced to “disappear” during the most recent Argentine dictatorship in the 1970s.” Because anything in this country that fails to explicitly and directly address the dictatorship = fascist.
  3. Maradona (Seriously): “Football legend Diego Maradona spoke at the presentation via videoconference from Dubai.” How touching! Was that before or after he called several gay journalists “fags”? No, really. I just want to know.
  4. The press sucks:   “We are going to have a channel that is not going to lie to us,” Maradona said. Well, finally we see eye to eye on something! I mean, can you imagine if the local press had decided not to look the other way when you scored a goal using your hand, effectively winning the Mexico 86 World Cup? Remember, hmmm? Shut the fuck up and stop insulting our intelligence.
  • Seriously, if this is going to be my last bullet point ever… if this is going to be the epitaph carved on the cover of a future “Weekly News Roundup Greatest Hits” then let me say it again:  for once and for all, please, stop insulting our intelligence.

I love you, kids.

Have a great life, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

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Weekly News Roundup, February 8th.


It’s February again!

And yes, I know.

Last Friday was technically already February but it was only the first day of the month and the shit had not had time to hit the fan yet.

But it only took two days for all that bottled up anger that had been incubating inside our humanly vessels during our month-long relaxation to come out in full force, forcing us to vomit a stream of curse words along with some sighing and grunting because that’s the only way to get rid of all of the anxiety. Like Linda Blair on The Exorcist, only she was possessed by Satan.

So let’s get to it before we lose our minds in Gualeguaychu this extra-long weekend. Oh, you didn’t know? It’s Carnival weekend! The only time of the year in which it is socially acceptable in this macho culture to dance and maybe make out with a scantily clad transvestite while riding a float. OK?

This is what you need to know:

  • "Fuck you all." - Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    “Fuck you all.” – Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    Shit just got real! If you thought President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was not going to move forward with an agreement between Argentina and Iran you were obviously wrong. In a rare move that had only been seen thrice since she took office in 2007, Cristina spoke on Cadena Nacional from  her presidential desk. No chants, no crazy fans, no sycophancy coming from a servile cabinet. Nope. Just you and her, all to yourselves. It was almost like being on a date with her. You know, like when you go on a date and this girl talks, and talks, and talks while you’re going “Hmm-hmm” and nodding off? That’s what it felt like. Proxemics also played a crucial role in her message, since she seemed to be a little too close for comfort (your comfort). Anyway, her 40-minute message was to say something she could have said in 30 seconds or less: “We are sending the agreement between Argentina and Iran to Congress so lawmakers can debate whether it should be passed or not”. See? That was easy. But no, she had to go host a full episode of the Cadena, with a preponderance of exposition, political drama, plot twists and even a short recap of past episodes. “Previously on ‘Iran So Far Away‘”…

  • If you’re still wondering why Argentina is making deals with Iran then A) You suck, and B) This is why. 85 people dead.
  • If you are not wondering because you already know, you are a sport and I’m proud of you.
  • The Jewish community in Argentina (which is huge – HUGE! So huge that crazy conspiracy theorists love to warn about the so-called Andinia Plan from time to time) is not happy with this agreement. The AMIA and the DAIA (the two largest Jewish organizations in Argentina) have both rejected the accord, saying Iran is not to be trusted. But Cristina says that “we’re always busting the UK’s balls* about discussing the Malvinas, so if Iran wants to talk to us, we can’t refuse”.
  • Oh and speaking of which… Foreign Minister and gladiator badass Héctor Timerman ultimately decided to prove that he ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts and flew to London to battle William Hague to the death in a jousting match to meet with some random people that would support the Malvinas sovereignty cause. Since he refused to a tri-party meeting with William Hague and the Malvinas islanders (hereinafter referred to as “The Others“), Timerman went on a tirade before the British press making some bold statements, which I will hilariously describe as follows (please cue the music from Lost to make them more ominous):
  • “The United Kingdom has never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity to find a solution for the Malvinas”.
  • “I don’t think it will take another 20 years (to take back the islands). I think that the world is going through a process of understanding more and more that this is a colonial issue, an issue of colonialism, and that the people living there were transferred to the islands”.
  • “The interests of the existing islanders will be protected under Argentinian rule, including their way of life, their language and right to remain British citizens”.
  • “There’s a distinction between the islanders’ interests, which could be met, and their wishes, which could not”.
  • Also, here are some treacherous Argentines who decided to express their support for The Others via Twitter: this guy, this guy, this guy and this guy. The AFIP has already been notified and they are being Shanghaied as we speak.
  • And speaking of tweets written in poor English, Cristina celebrated this week that the US continues it’s unilateral war against Capitalism and now has decided to sue poor old Standard & Poor‘s. Seriously, generic name much? Just add “average” and you’ve got the trifecta of depressing. Since Cristina is not very fond of credit rating agencies, she celebrated Obama’s decision by sprinkling her Spanish tweets with some English and started warning about  how these vulturian organizations have pillaged citizens all over the world. Which she, or quite possibly Google Translate, translated as “in the whole world”, totally not making any sense. Felicitations, Mrs. President!
  • Please tell me you clicked on that. PLEASE.
  • In repugnant news this week: two parents channel their inner Sherlock Holmes and discover that the child day care center they have been sending their daughter to is like the Disney World version of Guantanamo! After noticing a surprising change in her daughter’s behavior (for the worse), the parents hid an iPod with the voice recorder on in her backpack one day and dropped her off at school. The result was terrifying: physical, verbal and mental abuse for four hours straight everyday, with the teachers calling them names, force-feeding them and even soft-waterboarding them. Here’s the recording, for your listening displeasure. The place has now been closed and politicians keep blaming each other for not noticing that such an abomination had been going unnoticed for many years. Not funny.
  • Enfant terrible and Deputy Economy Minister Axel Kicillof was coming back from Colonia with his family last Sunday when suddenly he realized that taking the Buquebus ferry, along with a lot of dollar-impaired middle-class families, may not have been the brightest of ideas. But alas! By the time he realized, they were already sailing half-way through the Rio de la Plata. The passengers could smell his fear, manifesting in the shape of sweat drops sliding down his long hairy sideburns. Before Kicillof had a chance to pull out his semi-automatic weapon, a horde of dollar-hungry zombies jumped on top of him, seeking retribution for his controversial economic policies. As Kicillof wielded his machete through the rotting corpses, the crew showed up with a flamethrower and grabbed his hand. They led him to sanctuary in the captain’s cabin, where he would remain until reaching port. After being rescued, Kicillof observed the orange sky, marveled by the beauty of a sunset he had looked at a thousand times, but he had never seen. The End.
  • OK, no. So in reality some passengers started yelling at him and he, along with his family, was taken to the captain’s cabin so the mob wouldn’t spit on him or something. There were no zombies involved.
  • OUTRAGE! Those Chilean bastards are at it again! Not only they helped
    That's probably the face Kicillof had when he realized he was surrounded by unfriendlies. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    That’s probably the face Kicillof had when he realized he was surrounded by unfriendlies. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    The Others during the Malvinas War in 1982, but now their soldiers train by chanting xenophobic tunes that involve killing Argentines! Preposterous! Offensive! Unacceptable! The scandal prompted the Chilean authorities to immediately condemn such a disrespectful move by our kindred brothers and order an investigation. Even the local authorities urged the neighboring country to take action because singing about killing your neighbor isn’t funny. Horrible, Chileans. We are very disappointed in you!

  • What’s that? A new video has surfaced, showing Argentines training in Mendoza and singing about  breaking into the Chileans’ homes and slitting their throats and drinking their blood? Well, I don’t approve of the controversial methods but you started it. So take that, Chileans!
  • What’s that? The Argentine video is from six months ago and has already been deleted because it made us look like idiots since we are the ones who started the whole thing? Oh. I see. Well, you know math: -1 + 1 = 0. Which means the controversy gets cancelled. Yay! So… we’re cool, Chileans? Wanna bump fists? No? OK, we don’t need to bum fists.
  • In yet additional proof that Econo-mageddon (TM) is right around the corner, the Government decided to force ask supermarkets to freeze prices for two months in order to fight a rampant inflation.  Remind me again why you stay in this country? Oh, the black market dollar currency exchange rate that is slowly turning you into precocious millionaires. That’s right.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

* Not actual quote. I totally made that up.

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Weekly News Roundup, January 25th


It’s Friday again!

And aren’t you happy that while yesterday we were melting under the scorching maladies of our pagan god, the sun, today we left our homes wearing only a t-shirt and ended up freezing our asses off?

Ah, the many mood swings of Mother Nature, influenced by her shady boyfriend, Climate Change. You think this is bad? Wait until February. Then you’ll really regret moving to this country.

Anyway, this whole intro has been small talk about the weather. It’s like being stuck with me in a really long elevator ride, isn’t it? I guess there’s nothing left to talk about between us.

Sad when a relationship reaches that point, isn’t it?

Please like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook so you can keep up with out updates. Are you done?

No, seriously, go do it. I’ll wait right here.

Done?

Alright, this is what you need to know:

  • The ARA Santísima Trinidad officially stole the ARA Libertad's thunder this week. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    We begin with the first journalism fuck up of 2013 (well, at least the first big, big, journalism fuck up) which involves Spanish newspaper El País and an infamous non-photo of an ailing non-Hugo Chávez on the operating table. As we all know, Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez is battling cancer in Cuba (and if you didn’t know, put down the Xbox and grab a newspaper, you douche). His treatment and current condition has been mostly kept under wraps with all sorts of rumors flooding the Twittersphere. Is he dead? Is he alive? Is he un-dead? Are we all dead, like in Lost? So considering how much relevance and influence El País has on a global scale (think of it as the New York Times of the Spanish language), the world responded with rightful indignation at a front page splashed with a giant photo of some Chávez-looking dude being intubated. The never-resting internet elves, who I don’t know how but always manage to find everything on the web, soon realized the low-res photo was a screen capture from some random 2008 You Tube video and all hell broke loose. A new nail on the coffin of journalism, which by now already has like a million nails on it and has been buried six feet under since 2000.

  • What does this have to do with Argentina, man? Get to the point or something!“, you say? Well, first of all calm the fuck down. And second, everything has to do with Argentina and you should know that by now. After many around the world expressed complete disgust at the cheap stunt (and let’s face it, it was a cheap stunt with no journalistic value whatsoever) El País apologized profusely (for using a fake photo, not for their vulture-like demeanor). But this wasn’t enough to discourage President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner from castigating journalism (its mortal enemy, according to those National Geographic documentaries). “The despicable press. I cannot think of another adjective. It is the same everywhere; El País in Madrid, The Sun in Murdoch’s London embroiled in corruption schemes with Cameron’s government and who knows what else. Which editor authorised the publication? Will they speak about freedom of the press?“, she tweeted. Not really sure what “freedom of the press” is supposed to mean, but then again, she has a very peculiar idea of how the press is supposed to work. Here, let me show you (cue the elevator music):
  • Good press: President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is awesome.
  • Bad press: The President is human so sometimes she can make a mistake.
  • Good press: Imperialism and dictatorships are still lurking around the corner, and if you elect anyone but Cristina into office, they will come back and enslave you forever. Also probably rape your parents.
  • Bad press: There’s no chance for a military coup in this country.
  • Good press: There is no inflation.
  • Bad press: Shut up, there totally is.
  • Good press: LAS MALVINAS SON ARGENTINAS!!! FUCK YEAH!!
  • Bad press: We agree, but let’s leave dumb nationalism aside and try to solve this like adults.
  • Good press: You shut up, bad press.
  • Bad press: I wasn’t aware this was a dialogue. I thought this was more of a set of bullet points specifically designed to provide contrast between what the government thinks is good press and bad press.
  • Good press: And that’s exactly why you’re Bad Press. Moving on.
  • Good press: Argentina began its existence in 2003. Everything before that is lies, lies, lies.
  • Bad press: Whatever.
  • Good press: The press sucks, unless it praises the Fernández de Kirchner administration. In that case, it still sucks, but it sucks less.
  • Bad press: The press doesn’t suck. There are good and bad practices of journalism. And comparing a stupid photo stunt to the UK’s hacking scandal, and bringing in the concept of freedom of the press just to make it sound more of an epic battle proves that you’re also trying to manipulate public opinion and that you definitely, absolutely, positively have no idea of what the press is supposed to be like.
  • Cristina made her stellar reappearance on TV today after her “Sex & The City 2/Rambo 2″ presidential tour (she even went down the Cu Chi tunnels and everything! Have fun with this photo, and this one, and this one, and this one), and addressed inflation concerns. In a nutshell? It’s the store owners who are to blame for skyrocketing prices. There’s no such thing as “inflation”. See? Good press was right.
  • Great news, everyone! After interminable months of oppressive import restrictions that kept us from buying essential products such as this, supreme overlord of the netherworld Domestic Trade Secretary Guillermo Moreno decided that it was time to lift some of the import restrictions tragically imposed on society last year. So additional import permits are no longer required for: paper, home appliances, toys, shoe wear, motorbikes, bike tires, balls, textile products, diverse manufacturing (is that like, a real category? Sounds so broad…) metal parts, auto parts, vehicles, etc.
  • I know, still no banana guard. Life sucks.
  • Oh, and speaking of Guillermo Moreno (AKA, the Hannibal Lecter of Argentine politics), he also said he believes the official dollar exchange rate will reach $6 pesos in December.  Are you an expat getting paid in dollars? This is you. Are you an Argentine getting paid in pesos? This is you. Are you an Argentine studying abroad whose college fees are being paid by your Argentine hard-working parents? This is you.
  • Remember how we all flocked to Mar del Plata two weeks ago to celebrate the arrival of our dear Frigate Libertad, which was retained in Ghana for three months for reasons you probably already forgot? Remember, hmm? Well, you better feel bad about this, because not too far from where you were waving your little Argentine flags, the Santísima Trinidad warship was crying alone because no one gave a damn about her. Decommissioned and stripped down for spare parts in 2004, the proud warship, who saw battle in 1982 during the invasion of the Malvinas/Falklands, couldn’t take such fate and in a final call for attention decided to commit suicide by capsizing in Puerto Madero Puerto Belgrano.
  • But let’s not rush to conclusions here, because Defense Minister Arturo Puricelli decided to confirm that the vessel had sunk as a result of sabotage, because that was better than admitting that it just sunk because no one gave a shit about it.
  • So who are the culprits in this barbaric act of cowardice? Besides Clarín, that is. Is it a rogue military group from the Malvinas/Falklands, trying to vindicate history? Is it everyone who didn’t vote for Cristina? Or was it Mother Nature, that relentless bitch, who told the sea to eat away the ship’s hull until engulfing it in a wave of darkness and oblivion? (Yes, that would count as sabotage too, shut up).
  • Those of you who have been privy to superhero movies lately may have

    Wikipedia has no photos of Menganno so I can't legally post one here. Here's Captain America. They kinda look alike, except for the fact that they look nothing like each other. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    noticed a tendency to humanize them. To show the psychological residues that constantly burden a tormented mind under a latex mask. Batman, Superman, Spider-man, Hulk, they have all returned to the big screen in the embodiment of an anti-hero who leads a life of loneliness because society doesn’t understand that they are not spandex-wearing weirdos with daddy issues. And while in real life the US has Phoenix Jones, Argentina has Menganno. A superhero of sorts, Menganno patrols the streets of Lanús, in the Greater Buenos Aires area and has become a friend of the children and grandmas looking to cross the street. Menganno proudly assures his only weapons are a police baton and some pepper spray because he doesn’t believe in using firearms. So sweet and naive, this guy. Life was swell for Menganno and his wife, until this week some arch-villains (aka car robbers) decided to ambush him while he was parking outside of his house. Menganno resolved he wasn’t going to take any of that funny business and after careful deliberation chose to put his no-weapon philosophy on hold and shoot the robbers 14 fucking times with the assault weapon he was carrying in his glove compartment. After the police and the media showed up, Menganno admitted shame in using a gun to scare off the robbers and then cried as he confessed he was “fearful” they would seek revenge, which for a superhero is kind of lame. But his plight didn’t end there, since as it turns out his gun permit was expired and he was not allowed to carry his weapon. He is now under investigation for illegal possession of firearms and could go to jail anytime soon. The robbers, in the meantime, are planning their next move to take over the world via some contrived scheme of ridiculous, yet effective, proportions. An excellent metaphor for the times we’re living in, people. Being the villain always pays.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

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Weekly News Roundup, January 18th.


It’s 2013 Friday again!

Happy new year, by the way, and I hope you missed me these last two weeks, even though I’m sure right now you’re going “There was no Weekly News Roundup for two weeks? Huh. I guess I didn’t notice.”

Well, I don’t care. I didn’t miss you either. I spent the first week of the year doing absolutely nothing, sitting on the beach re-reading The Catcher in the Rye and giggling like an idiot at the Grumpy Cat, the best internet phenomenon to slap the world in the face since “All your bases are belong to us“.

But enough talking about you and your uneventful Punta del Este / home-for-the-holidays anecdotes. Admit it: you’re glad you’re back in Argentina. You missed it like crazy. You missed its chaos, you missed its people, you missed its intoxicating deliriums of grandeur.

And most of all, you missed the sheer ridiculousness of our 24 hours news cycle.

Unless you never left, of course.

In a nutshell, this is what happened in the last two weeks (use this soundtrack for a more sensorial experience).

  • The Qom indigenous community are this close to becoming an endangered species but we still care more about who’s going to be a judge on this season’s Dancing with the Stars.
  • Moral of the story: don’t fuck with the president, loser. She’s like, the female version of Vladimir Putin. You just don’t fuck with her and expect to get away with it. Ever.
  • By the way, regarding that link to “ad hominem“? You’re welcome.

OK. Now that you’re up to speed, welcome back. You can stop the music.

This is what you need to know, although bear in mind it’s January, which is a slow news month:

  • Mar del Plata continues to allure millions of tourists every year for some reason. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    We begin with what will surely be the story of the week, since it’s on the cover of every newspaper in this country today. Remember last year when President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner unveiled those evil-looking dolls that were supposed to represent the League of Extraordinary Bolivarian Liberators but in fact resembled a voodoo doll from a scene of A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master? Well step aside, horrible creatures of the underworld! Because there’s a new winner in this twisted Toy Story-esque universe. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new and improved Cristina doll (widow dress and presidential sash included in the set!). Now, before you start going “WTF is that thing?” let me just clarify that it’s a gift from the Argentine Toy Industry Chamber which has had huge returns this year because of import restrictions (fuck Monopoly, play El Estanciero and shut up). Alright, now that we got that out of the way, let’s move on to less relevant things, like rampant inflation.

  • DOLLAR BLUE! That angelical way of calling the black market exchange rate of the US dollar in the dark alleys of mysterious Buenos Aires. That dewy sweet deal you procure to seal by getting rid of all your dollars once you return to Argentina from wherever the hell you come from. Yes, kids. The “dollar blue” exchange rate has reached $7.47 pesos today, which is almost 50% more than the official exchange rate, currently at $4.96. So you know… when you’re back, gimme a call so I know how you’re doing and we’ll meet for coffee. Oh, and bring your dollars for no particular reason.
  • Remember the IMF? It’s back! Although not in pog form. No, this time it’s very real and as they prepare to meet on February 1st to discuss what to do with our rogue nation and its elusive ways, we better brace ourselves for what will surely be another harmless statement saying that if Argentina doesn’t change its strategy, the organization will have no choice but to warn us again.
  • And if you didn’t get that “pog form” reference, A) You never watched The Simpsons and B) You suck.
  • While visiting the UAE as part of her “Sex and The City 2” presidential tour, Cristina signed a series of bilateral agreements with the Emirati president Khalifa bin Al Nahayan. Then she met with “the girls” for a couple of appletinis and later met with downfallen football start Diego Maradona – currently an Obi-Wan Kenobi-esque cave dweller in the Abu Dhabi desert after being banished from Argentina –  who regaled her with the crassest flower bouquet humanity has ever witnessed. He also expressed his strong support for her administration, which is like, super easy to do when you’re living in a different country and getting paid in dollars. But stop judging you guys! In fact Diego has always strongly supported whoever was in power, even former president Carlos Menem and his Economy Minister Lex Luthor, both of them architects of the economic measures in the 90s that resulted in a mess that the Kirchners tried to clean up in the 00s. Don’t believe me? Here’s a photo of Maradona…ahem… “resting” during a press conference and wearing a t-shirt that reads “Thank you Mingo”, in reference to Mr. Luthor himself. That’s like praising Obama’s anti-war stance after wearing a “Thank you Cheney” t-shirt.  The Internet NEVER forgets, Maradona.
  • Re: the flower bouquet… noticed the footballs on top? Oh Diego. Never change.
  • The National Government has announced that it intends to enact a federal plan to slowly replace and repair the national railway network.
  • Oh and conveniently, this happened today. So stay away from all trains until things are working at least by North Korean standards.  I mean, nothing to worry about. Just a passenger train that went off the rails but no one died, which means no biggie.
  • Oh, like you never dented another car while parking. Shut up. Look at it, it’s not so bad.
  • Remember when three years ago everyone was crazy about the Dakar Rally because it launched from Buenos Aires, and everyone was like “Oh my God I’ve been following this forever!“, and everyone was like, yelling at the screens and everything, and waving Argentine flags when what’s his face won the quad bike races and all that? Remember how Cristina wore a pink helmet and rode the quad bike and stuff to celebrate? Remember how then the organization behind the rally decided to expand it to other countries and local people were like “Woa…” and then Argentina just became a “passing through” country and everyone was like “meh“? Yeah, well. That’s now. No one cares about it.
  • Also, for reasons that I fail to compute because I truly dislike football,

    Don't give me any of that "friendly" crap. You either kill or get killed. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    there’s a Superclasico coming to Mar del Plata this Saturday which, what do you know, happens to coincide with the busiest season.  Now, I understand that you like the circus. I understand that you don’t care about paying money for a spectacle that we all know is merely put up to exploit your blind fanaticism and rake in the big bucks. But why the bout of euphoria? Seriously. No matter who wins or loses, the result is exactly the same. It’s a friendly superclásico (I know, oxymoron much?), which means there’s no motivation to win beyond the satisfaction of mocking your rivals to the point of killing a couple hooligans outside the stadium but that’s it. It’s WrestleMania with a ball. It’s a gladiator fight in which both contenders survive. And I don’t know about you, but if I lived in ancient Rome I would have liked none of that sissy shit. Either you stab him in the neck or he stabs you but one of you has to die. If not, I want my gold coins back.

  • And since we’re talking Superclásico: dear staff working at the US Embassy in Buenos Aires: I know you read me (oh yes, I know) and you know I love you. I really do. But you see, I hate football. So please let’s make sure THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN. In fact, let’s just pretend it never happened. Let’s just pretend that you decided to go with a lame reenactment of Gangnam Style, like this high school did. Sure, the Spartan name will live in infamy forever, a cheap tin plaque with its name on it hanging and gathering dust and cobwebs in the hall of eternal shame. But I’ll take that to football. So seriously. Never again.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

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Weekly News Roundup, December 28th.


It’s Friday again!

And it’s December 28th, which means that today is the Día de los Inocentes, or “Holy Innocent’s Day“, the Spanish-speaking version of Aprils Fools’. So there, go prank someone.

It’s been a slow week. The end of the year is upon us and politicians are lazy. Actually everyone is lazy because it’s insanely hot outside, so the mere act of breathing makes your pores  secrete tears of sweat.

I’ve tried hard to find what to talk about since President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is not down to her usual antics and everyone else is completely checked out. In fact, I’m completely checked out. Just visit our Facebook page and click like so you can keep up with future updates.

I know I’m supposed to be writing shtick and all that but my mind is on the beach right now, sorry.

This is what you need to No, wait! I forgot to say: No Weekly News Roundup next Friday because I’m on vacation. Get it? OK. Now yes.

This is what you need to know:

  • Winner the polar bear (OK, it's not Winner. It's some random polar bear from Wikipedia. But whatever, they all look the same). (Photo/Wikipedia)

    Infinite sadness! In some twisted turn of fate (either that or Santa Claus has a dark sense of humor), everyone’s favorite polar bear, our beloved Winner, passed away on Christmas morning at the Palermo Zoo as a result of the high temperatures and the loud fireworks that lit up the sky the night before. An entire nation mourned the poor animal (despite the fact that most people only found out of his existence after he died) and took to social networks to express outrage against pretty much everyone who didn’t look after Winner, ignoring the fact that he died BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING FIREWORKS that everyone was lighting up the night before. Or that the poor animal was locked up in a zoo dealing with the intense City heat (and don’t give me that “But he was born in captivity!” crap, tell that to yourself if it makes you feel any better). Anyway, the bear is dead. Winner, we hardly knew ye. Literally.

  • In case you were wondering (you weren’t), the Media Law still has not been enforced because the kerfuffle between the League of Doom, also known as Grupo Clarín, and the League of Infinite Victimization (the National Government) continue to butt heads over it. Now, in all honesty I’m 90% sure I’ve lost you already. You’re wondering what the next bullet point is going to be about because you’re not really into this whole “Clarin vs. Government” thing. Some of you don’t even know who Clarín is! So here’s a link to the latest developments that I’m sure you won’t read. You’re welcome. Moving on.
  • Speaking of the the insanely high temperatures last Monday: remember how you called your parents on Skype to [Whatever country you come from] to tell them of the ridiculously insane temperatures we were experiencing? Remember how you panted, like a feral dog lying on the curb, while staring at a TV screen that read that the windchill factor had reached 50°C (122°F)? Remember how we all took to Facebook to post jokes about melting, global warming, hell, demons and the sun? Turns out we were all wrong because the weather station measuring the windchill factor was apparently faulty. It was only 43°C! So there, now you’re all drama queens who just can’t take a little heat, and in addition this provides climate change deniers with the ultimate evidence to prove that global warming doesn’t exist and it’s just a conspiracy involving 99.9% of the scientists around the world.
  • Oh, and the polar bear is still dead.
  • Have you ever taken the Subte A Line? I’m sure you have. It’s the one with the cars that look like this. Ah, you see? I knew it.  It’s also the one with the cars that are falling apart. So the City Government has announced that starting next month they are shutting down all A Line stations for maybe up to 60 days so they can replace them with some new cars (“new” as in “discarded by China after using them for three decades”). “And what about the 160,000 commuters that use the service everyday?”, you say? Well, chances are most of you don’t ever use that line so we shouldn’t care about them. But if you do, you’re fucked.
  • Fortunately now that we’re done with the whole “Argentina vs. Ghana” thing, we can go back to the regular “Argentina vs. England” thing. I mean, doesn’t it strike you as suspicious that when Argentina was engaging in a bilateral catfight with the African nation we didn’t even hear about the Malvinas/Falklands? Whatever the case may be, a new series of declassified British documents are reopening the wounds of the past and offering new information as to what the hell happened back in 1982. The most “revealing” part is how the Iron Lady herself, Margaret Thatcher, said she thought the Argentine invasion of the island was stupid. Which is like the Vatican declassifying early biblical documents that say that Pontius Pilate was an apathetic creep. In any case you go: “Yeah. So?”.
  • Oh, wait! Wait! It appears the Scooby gang has cracked the case in Salta! Phew! Looks like it was just some kids playing a prank. Haha. Silly kids! That was quite a scare! It’s all good, guys. Those mischievous rascals explained that they found the (real) skeleton in a yard and put it up there as a joke. Yeah, a real skeleton.  Case closed.
  • Oh, come on. You don’t expect to get all the answers, do you? The X-Files always left some stuff unanswered as a tease, so consider this to be the same. Or like a cartoon in the 80s. Police and children make a joke, laugh in unison, closing music plays, freeze frame, end credits. You know how it is.
  • Hi, there. Can I interest you in some footage from Madonna‘s awesome concert in Córdoba last weekend? No? That’s OK, I understand. You probably already saw it here in Buenos Aires. Or you probably don’t care, which is also OK. But wait! What if the footage I offered included a power outage in the middle of a song, lots of backup singers suddenly dancing like idiots because there’s no music, a flabbergasted Madonna, like a deer caught in the headlights and thousands of awesome fans ready to keep the party going at all cost? Ha! Do I have your attention now? Here you go then, enjoy.
  • Well, it was bound to happen. I know most of you do not know who

    The irony is Peña's sex tape is actually less blurry than this photo from Wikipedia. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    actress Florencia Peña is, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t asking for a sex tape. Now, just so you know, despite her Kardashianite looks, Peña is an A-list celebrity here. She’s not one of those sluts-du-jour who keep strutting their stuff on Dancing With The Stars in order to achieve their lifelong dream of marrying a football player and becoming a desperate housewife. So when the word got out that a sex tape was about to be leaked online, many libidinous perverts began rubbing their hands before the dim light of their computer screens. And on Thursday morning, it was all over. The video was leaked and it went viral, ruining Peña’s reputation as a voluptuous femme fatale and turning her life into a never-ending cycle of grief and mortification. But this post is not about the sex tape (which I cannot post here because I don’t want the Independent to get sued, sorry to disappoint). No, this is more about the reprehensible (yet absolutely hilarious) way that the internet covered it. For example. Take a look at this site, the very respectable Agencia NOVA, covering information from the Buenos Aires province. Looks classy right? OK, not classy but average, right? (WARNING: EXTREMELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK) Now this is how it  covered the Peña affair.

  • And yes, I know that this is a macho culture that glorifies a guy having sex but dilapidates a woman having sex, condemning her to eternal damnation. So note to the girls who get offended by these posts and write me angry email:  Don’t yell at me for it. Blame the Spanish/Italian heritage.
  • In fact, I changed my mind: if you want to watch the video, here it is.
  • Ha! I can’t believe you fell for that! Feliz día de los inocentes, bitch.
  • Yeah, I know. It was a lame joke. But you know what’s worse? The fact that for a second you were glad I had decided to post a link to the video. So there. You’re a lot worse than I am.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

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Weekly News Roundup, December 14th


It’s Friday again!

And before we begin dwelling in the puddle of blood and violence that we experienced this week, I believe I should address the big fat elephant in the room.

Yes, last week’s Weekly News Roundup went viral. Yes, it got thousands of hits. Yes, this week many new readers will show up hoping to experience the same laughter fest that they came across last Friday.

But the pressure is too big to top that, so let me just say: it’s not going to happen.

Last week was a collective experience so it was relatable, it had a narrative and it was perfect to let your parents/friends know about what an exciting/terrifying experience it is to live in Buenos Aires.

This week: meh.

It’s like when your favorite TV show wins a “Best Drama Series” Emmy award after a flawless season, and the writers become apathetic and rest on their laurels so they come up with a half-baked, disappointing plot that satisfies no one (I’m looking at you, writers of The X-Files, 24 and Homeland).

Well, that’s me today. I am those writers. So read it, take it for what it is and go on with your life.

In the meantime I’ll be crying in the bathroom, reminiscing of my glory days.

This is what you need to know:

  • Roger Federer may play tennis, but what we're really interested in is what he thinks about football. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    There is really nothing funny to say about what was the biggest story of the week: the Marita Verón case, which investigated the disappearance of a 23-year-old woman from Tucumán. You probably know all about it by now, but in case you haven’t heard, all thirteen suspects in the case were acquitted, and national outrage ensued.

  • Remember how last week Crónica came up with those inventive headlines about Chernobyl and Venice? Well this week, their news van was pleasantly parked in front of the Obelisco during the Boca event, until it suddenly got surrounded by thousands of savages who pillaged and looted it, spray painted it and then destroyed it. Can you imagine being inside that news van while this is happening outside? And for a headline, I would have totally gone with “Mogadishu“.
  • And since they were at it, the Boca zombies also decided it would be a good idea to attack the entrance to Canal 13, which as we know belongs to Grupo Clarín and is therefore the fountain of all maladies. Here’s the footage. Watch it. It’s a glimpse into the future. A grim testimony of what the downfall of civilization will look like once our planet is overrun by PC monitor-stealing zombies.
  •  Last Sunday night was a cause for celebration, as Argentine democracy turned 29 years old. The National Government, officially self-declared the standard bearer of the democratic movement in this country, decided to celebrate plurality and freedom by throwing a political rally big party at the Plaza de Mayo and around the country that included live music, fireworks, local delicacies and a special guest appearance by Cristina herself, who reminded us that democracy is beautiful and by the way if you don’t stand with her government you are a coup-monger son of a gun who deserves to be executed for treason.
  • The United States of Awesome continue their heroic defense of Argentina against the vulture funds’ Evil Empire of Evilness, and now the Obama administration has requested the New York Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit to take Argentina’s appeal into consideration, a move that was to be expected considering they are being ruled by a Kenyan Socialist Nazi Communist Muslim that wants to destroy America by launching an attack on poor, poor capitalism.
  •  OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! *hyperventilates* Look! The Central Bank has for some reason (the holidays) decided to temporarily allow Argentines to purchase US dollars in cash if they are to be used for travelling/studying abroad. RUN TO THE BANK, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! HURR-No, wait, most of you readers are foreigners and couldn’t care less about this. Never mind.
  • For millenia, humanity has had to endure the many torments and tribulations caused by the act of sodcasting.  Sodcasting, for those of you who are not well versed in pop culture, is the act of being an inconsiderate asshole by playing music on your mobile phone on a bus or subway so everyone around you can hear it. It is usually appended by a smug expression on your face that clearly translates as: “Do you have a problem?”. But praised be Jesus*! After today, sodcasting in the city of Buenos Aires is no more. Because the busy minds working at the City Legislature have passed a bill effectively banning the demonic practice  from public transportation services, and if you attempt to waterboard our ears with your filthy 1970s rock and roll (or worse, your early 00s cumbia) the driver will have the right to get you off the bus.
  • Of course, that’s all taking place in the realm of wishful thinking. Good luck telling the sodcaster to stop playing his music without getting into a fist fight. Or getting stabbed.
  • Remember how a few weeks ago I said there was going to be a total of 18 public holidays in 2013? Remember how you went “Woa, that’s insane!”? Get ready, because in the next few days Congress will be debating yet another addition to the holiday calendar! As Congress gets ready to meet in extraordinary sessions because of the human trafficking bill fuck up, one of the other less relevant bills to be discussed revolves around declaring January 31st, 2013 a one-time national holiday in commemoration of the 200th anniversary of the Assembly of the Year XIII (that’s “13″, for those of you who never took Roman numerals 101), in which the United Provinces of the Rio de la Plata got together to discuss a new institutional government for the republic. It was then that the region, among other things, ended slavery with the Freedom of Wombs principle, which stated that anyone born from a slave was automatically free. The Rio de la Plata region: kicking the first world’s ass when it comes to civil and equal rights since 1813. Not really sure about anything else though.
  • Gay people ambassador Madonna is in Argentina right now, offering

    DON'T LOOK HER IN THE EYES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! (Photo/Wikipedia)

    three shows this week that fans will never forget, not only because of their amazing production value but also because of how incredibly overpriced the tickets were and how late the performances started. Always eccentric  in a “funny” (and not crazy) kinda way, the diva has made some unusual requests (like hotel staff not looking at her in the eye) which would sound horrible if we were talking about, I don’t know…Donald Trump. But since this is Madonna and she’s a liberal and she’s good with poor African kids and stuff she gets a free pass. Also, warning people not to look her in the eye? What is she, a creature from the Greek mythology?

  • The media also reports that Madonna landed in Argentina in a private jet and brought with her a huge posse made up of musicians, dancers, assistants, cleaning staff, a personal trainer, security and doctors. She’s basically like a Smurf village on wheels.
  •  Then on Wednesday came the first of two exhibition matches that he was going to play alongside local tennis superstar Juan Martín Del Potro in a stadium in Tigre before 20,000 who paid like 100 million dollars per ticket. Here are some highlights of the game:
  • At some point, in a giant screen, there was a “surprise” (and cringing) message from Diego Maradona that had absolutely nothing to do with anything, because as we all know everything in this country has got to be related in some way to fútbol. God forbid the day that doesn’t happen.
  • When the time to sing the National Anthem came, the Tigre authorities selected the best possible singer to perform it in front of the ecstatic audience (and Federer): musical legend Cacho Castaña, known for his sexy parties, his misogynistic lyrics advocating for violence against women and for biting the semi-naked ass of a gay man. Unfortunately, and because of copyrights issues (please, as if anyone cared), it is not available on YouTube, so you’ll have to settle with when he butchered it some time ago in Mendoza. So here, enjoy the proud lyrics of our anthem sung by Castaña. And please stand while you do it. This is no time for frivolity.
  • The song after such moving, representative anthem was one sung by David Guetta. No, I’m not kidding.
  • As Del Potro and Federer were about to come out, a sector in the bleachers began to “sink” (as in “collapse”) and 150 people had to be evacuated. Del Potro and Federer were sent back to the changing rooms.
  • By the time the game started, the Boca Juniors fans were setting downtown Buenos Aires on fire, so no one cared anymore.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

* Just an expression. I’m not religious. It’s not that I don’t like Jesus, I actually thought he was a great guy and everything. It’s what they did with his progressive, revolutionary message after he died “ascended to Heaven” that I’m not crazy about. Sorry, Christians!

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Weekly News Roundup, Special 7D Edition


It’s Friday again!

And if you’re reading this it’s because you survived December 6th, a day that will be remembered as one of the most eventful days in recent history.

Today was expected to be a day to remember, as the much-dreaded December 7th (also referred to as “7D”) was supposed to arrive.

Remember? 7D! The day that the National Government had been advertising for months as the day in which Grupo Clarín‘s hegemonic dominance of terror was going to come to an end, prompting humanity to leave its current state of slumber and transition to a higher plane of consciousness that brings forth a new age of global understanding.

And yet, today feels totally anticlimactic. Because it was yesterday that the unexpected (and probably jealous) “6D” ended up stealing all the attention.

It’s hard to sum up in a few words the humongous amount of shit that happened yesterday. The feeling of anxiety, the uncertainty, the despair and the hilarious Twitter jokes that helped us engage in collective catharsis.

Last night, hundreds of newspaper editors around the country were scratching their heads thinking of a single headline that could easily convey the wave of catastrophes that befell upon us without splashing the front cover with the word CHAOS.

Let’s just say that if yesterday had been a TV show, it would have been 24. And I’m not sure even Jack Bauer could have handled the pressure.

Suggested soundtrack for the following read: this. And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook so you can keep up with future updates.

The following takes place between 8 AM and midnight, on December 6th 2012:

  • President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner holding a copy of Clarín. And she's holding it weird. What's up with her left arm? It looks like one of those action figure arms that bend in a weird way. You know which ones I mean? It's like they try really hard to make them look human but dude, no. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    [8:00 AM] It’s raining in Buenos Aires and yet the heat is suffocating. The humidity is through the roof and millions of women complain about having a bad hair day. I know this seems like the end of the world but trust me, it gets worse. A lot worse.

  • [9:11 AM] I should have suspected it was going to be a horrible day when on my way to a meeting I stepped on a banana peel and crash landed on the sidewalk like some loser. Yes, bad shit happens to me too but at least I exorcise my demons via Twitter. I know this is personal and unrelated but sorry, I just had to talk about it. And to whoever left that banana peel there on purpose: fuck you.
  • [09:45 AM] The action begins. A container in Puerto Madero filled with drums of mercury catches fire. Local networks announce we’re all going to die very quickly.
  • [10:53 AM] As hundreds of terrified parents double park their cars in front of their children’s schools in the downtown area causing traffic chaos and people run for their lives under the rain to escape the stench, former Deputy Mayor of Buenos Aires and current national lawmaker Gabriela Michetti casually tweets that she’s “enjoying the wonderful smell of the jasmines sitting atop her desk”. She becomes the most hated person on Twitter.
  • [11:15 AM] The local authorities recommend the population to stay home, close doors and windows and  turn the AC off. Thousands begin to contemplate suicide. Not because of the poisonous cloud, but because of the suffocating heat inside their homes. All windows locked and the AC off? In this humidity?! Goodbye, cruel world.
  • [11:20 AM] It is still raining. All Subte stations in the area close and the service is interrupted. The Retiro station is shut down before the last train arrives to the platform. Passengers get off the train and realize they are trapped inside, breathing the contaminated air. Oops!
  • [11:25 AM] All trains in the Mitre line suspend their services to Retiro. People trying to escape the area are royally fucked.
  • [11:27 AM] You know how you keep talking about taking a cruise someday and enjoying a non-eventful holiday? Well if you ever do, make sure your cruise has not been docked next to a fucking toxic cloud. It was like “Speed 2“, only less exciting and with better acting. It’s OK though, they sent the cruise to high seas for precaution and the only downside was that the tourists could not visit Palermo Soho and buy overpriced crap they would have never used anyway.
  • [11:34 AM] Several people begin to report dizziness, and a burning sensation in throat and lungs. If they end up turning into zombies I’m gonna be sooooo pissed.
  • [12:00 PM] Thousands of evacuees are disappointed after learning that the deadly cloud is actually not deadly and they have to return to work.
  • [12:32 PM] The rain stops.
  • [1:00 PM] Nothing happens, which is kinda of a bad omen.
  • [2:00 PM] Sky turns black. It starts raining again, but this time it’s a torrential rain. People look outside their windows and find out they are unable to see the other side of the street.
  • [3:00 PM] It is still raining like crazy. People begin to exchange gazes of confusion and legitimate concern. This rain is not normal. “Maybe it’s some kind of toxic rain, a result of the toxic cloud,” says a Twitter user clearly well versed in meteorology and with a degree from the University of Just Pulled That Out of my Ass.
  • [4:15 PM] Cronica decides to go with another groundbreaking headline: “From Chernobyl to Venice“. Twitter explodes again.
  • [4:30 PM] Because things are apparently kinda dull today, coach drivers decide to go on strike and block the exit of the Retiro bus station, trapping inside the facilities all passengers who were planning on going away for the weekend.
  • [5:00 PM] As the heavy storm continues to flood the city, news break of a shootout at the DOT shopping mall. Initial reports suggest a group of 50 savages have entered the mall and begun ransacking stores and cannibalizing people or something. Seems legit.
  • [5:10 PM] All subway lines interrupted due to severe flooding. Severe as in “completely under water”. More traffic chaos ensues.
  • [5:15 PM] Blackouts are registered throughout the City as a result of the intense storm. Thousands complain about not being able to check their Twitter feed for snark.
  • [5:23 PM] Buenos Aires finally collapses. The Arroyo Vega overflows and the busy commercial corner of Blanco Encalada and Cabildo Av. now looks like a disaster scene from The Bible, with hundreds of people trapped in over a meter of water. God help us all.
  • [6:10 PM] A tornado?!  Are you fucking kidding me?! What’s next, Godzilla?!
  • [6:37 PM] Turns out the angry mob at the DOT was just protesting that due to the building’s poorly designed drain system, their settlement (Villa Mitre) was flooded, so they decided to take it out with the stores. There were no shots fired, no people eaten. Happy ending, kind of.
  •  [6:41 PM] Rumors begin to surface suggesting that a federal court has decided to extend the injunction on the Media Law requested by Clarín, a move that would effectively ruin the National Government’s celebrations prepared for December 7th (when the injunction was set to expire). In the newsroom where I work, I begin banging my head incessantly on my keyboard. This is the longest day of my (journalistic) life.
  • [6:49 PM] Worst fears confirmed: the injunction has been extended. Millions of anti-Kirchnerites celebrate throughout the country while the Government just stands there, jaw-dropped in disbelief. The 7D mythology has been exterminated only a few hours before the celebrations began. In the newsroom, I try to cut my veins with one of those plastic spoons but my colleagues restrain me and talk me out of it by bringing Jesus into the conversation.
  • [7:30 PM] Godzilla finally shows up.
  • [7:57 PM] People begin to freak out again as the Buenos Aires sky

    I have a feeling that if Jack Bauer lived in Buenos Aires he would have perished by around noon. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    acquires this sort of reddish hue that either heralds the end of times or means that a nuclear bomb just went off. Whatever the case may be, I’m ready. Bring it.

  • [8:24 PM] In social networks, the expression “6D” starts to become “a thing”. I hate humanity.
  • [9:30 PM] Tony Bennet is singing at the Gran Rex and I’m missing it because I have tons of work to do thanks to this interminable day.
  •  [11:59 PM] The coach drivers’ strike ends one minute before midnight, all passengers are freed. At the same time, the storm recedes, the water levels decrease, the cleaning staff at the DOT mall mumbles in discontent, Cristina is flying to Brazil with her blood pressure probably through the roof and the chairmen of the Grupo Clarín sacrifice a few babies to thank Baphomet for the blessings received. All in all a  pretty productive day.

OK, that was yesterday. Exciting, wasn’t it? Now here comes the second part!

(Yes, I still need to tell you about what happened during the rest of the week, FML).

So… this is what you need to know:

  • Look on the bright side. At least it rained so much in this past week that I’m sure that for the next few months there’s nothing but beach and sunshine ahead of us.
  • Argentina is tired -TIRED!- of supplicating the US to buy its lemons and beef. But the US will not have any of that nonsense because lemons are ugly. Have you ever eaten a lemon? There you go. See? I wouldn’t buy them either. But the Government, who seems to despise the inconveniences of the domestic judicial system but loves taking bilateral disputes to whatever available international court it can find, decided that it was time to pull out the big guns and filed a complaint against the US (and the EU) before the World Trade Organization.
  • The US and the EU, flabbergasted over such blatant display of disrespect for the elderly, decided to fight back,  denouncing Argentina for its “protectionist practices”. Japan and Mexico were hanging around and since our relationship with them has also been less than perfect, they jumped on board with the complaint. I mean, why not?
  • You know how some people like to use the term “post-racial America” just because the US elected a black president? As if electing a black president made racism magically evaporate from the land? Well the same thing can be said about Argentina and gay marriage. It was legalized here in 2010, but you can’t talk of a “post-homophobia Argentina”, because the crazies abound in this country, and are still drinking from the chalice of bigotry and ignorance. As if the controversial school play video that surfaced two weeks ago was not enough to make you lose all hope in humanity, here’s another video of a teacher in a Tucumán religious school telling her students how discriminating against gays and lesbians is not that bad. No, no, it’s OK! She also says that when “normal” parents get separated, that’s also frowned upon. So chances are she just needs to get laid. Any volunteers? Anyone? No? OK.
  • Get ready to roll your eyes. It happens every time a new global  pop culture phenomenon appears: Argentina claims authorship, saying they made it here first. The latest victim? Psy’s “Gangnam Style“. That’s right, the moves from that hypnotic and incomprehensible South Korean music video that has us all dancing like idiots have allegedly been “inspired” by “Claudio y la Banda Brillante” (?). Or so the local media says, since the moves are “suspiciously similar”. Here, you be the judge.
  • Wanna hear something depressing? If you were hoping for the iPhone 5 to reach Argentina anytime soon, I’ve got some bad news. Because Apple just released the list of nations that will be carrying the sleek new device and the land of tango is nowhere to be found. Even Grenada, a country that until now you thought was a city in Spain, is getting the iPhone 5 before Argentina. The freaking Ivory Coast is getting it before us. And those guys are probably dealing with a civil war or something! If for some reason you feel like ruining your day, here is a full list of the countries that will be getting the iPhone 5 while we’re stuck with the previous version which is sooooooooo 2011 (therefore obsolete).
  • The media, always ready to dose us with a thick balm of dramaqueenism, made all possible efforts to turn every football fan in the world into a tantrum-prone, frenetic 5-year-old girl after demi-god and superstar Lionel Messi was injured this week in a match against a club apparently called the “Betis.” Messi, as it is customary, was on a roll that evening and was looking to break a new record of most goals scored in a year, a title that is currently held by some German guy named Müller (85). The press, already speaking of a “curse” (because, as we all know, Messi’s life is notable for its interminable strain of horrific afflictions), described the injury process with impressive detail: “Lío (they call him “Lío” because that way sports journalists and readers can feel like they are establishing a personal relationship with him, like when celebrities refer to other celebrities on a first name basis even though they never met each other) tried to avoid Benfica goalkeeper Artur Moraes, but Moraes tried to block him and hit his knee at the exact moment in which Messi was pivoting and throwing all his weight on his left knee (fascinating, isn’t it?). The”flea” (barf) kicked the ball and then collapsed to the floor in pain.” A press release issued by the Barcelona team assured that Messi only had a “bruised left knee,” which is something we’ve all had (and worse), so I don’t know what the big deal is. Then again, not all of us are insured for like 40 trillion euros.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep reminding you about this every Friday.

Posted in Thoughts of a ForeignerComments (8)

Weekly News Roundup, November 30th


To my friend Lucas.

It’s Friday again!

And believe it or not, after several weeks of gloom and a population prone to public displays of suicidal tendencies, it appears the sun is shining once again in Argentina.

That’s right, there are good news, great news and some depressing news but those don’t count so let’s just focus on the positive, shall we?

Also, please visit the Weekly News Roundup Facebook page so you can keep up life-saving updates.

This is what you need to know:

  • I honestly had no idea of what picture to use, so here's something that's loosely related to this lawsuit-themed week. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    Excellent news, everyone! Last week I warned you about how dire the situation was for the country after controversial New York Judge Thomas Griesa (pictured here) ruled against Argentina in a lawsuit brought up by bondholders who refused to take part in the debt restructuring process, expecting a full repayment after the country’s world record default in 2001. This week the Fernández administration appealed the ruling, and thanks to a federal court in the United States of Awesome, Griesa’s ruling was suspended and Argentina given another chance to present its case.  Hurray, us! The execution court date has been set for February 27th, which means we still have three months to party before fears of a technical default return and we start quivering in terror again.

  • Oh, and since we are at it: one day before the ruling, when everyone was trying to hide their anxiety over a possible default behind an uneasy smile, Fitch decided to downgrade Argentina’s rating into “junk territory” which makes this country sound like a desolate wasteland. My question, dear Fitch, is: now that the United States of Amazing has granted Argentina with the benefit of the doubt, will you admit a mea culpa and make amends by bringing the country’s rating back to what it used to be? A highly-respectable B, which proudly displays that the country’s financial situation “varies noticeably”? No? Whatever, can’t blame me for trying. So yeah. Take that, Somalia.
  • Speaking of African nations, you are probably wondering what’s going on with the Frigate Libertad, which is still stuck in Ghana. No? OK. The good news is nothing is going on. It’s still stuck there, which means at least it hasn’t been sunk. And even better news, December 15th is the day when the International Tribunal of the Law of the Sea rules on the matter. I’m sorry, I’m out of snark for this one. How much more original material can I come up with? This shit has been going on for like two months, I’m totally spent. Moving on.
  • The Argentine Catholic Church, our ever-present shining beacon of spirituality and progressiveness led by Dick Cheney‘s long-lost twin brother, José María Arancedo , is once again making use of its oracular abilities to glimpse into the future and warn us mortals that if the disharmony currently affecting Argentine society continues, we run the risk of “being divided into two irreconcilable groups.” Which is an awesome piece of advice if you’re living in 2008. I mean, have you tried discussing politics at the dinner table in this country lately? Chances are you will end up being stabbed in the eye with a fork before the chocotorta is served.  And that sucks because chocotortas are awesome. So thanks for the timely heads up, Catholic Church! I can’t wait for 2074 when you warn us that segregating the gays is kinda frowned upon.
  • As if all these signs of an impending apocalypse weren’t enough, get ready because here comes another one: the last stronghold of good taste and elegance (Puerto Madero) has been invaded by a floating green slime that confuses and perturbs the sophisticated crowds living in the area because, of course, ew. Also, green is so not in this year. But the Government has assured that the waters are not contaminated and that “it is safe for consumption” so it’s all good! Go ahead, drink it. And remember: if all fails just blame Greenpeace, everyone’s favorite scapegoat.
  • Two French tourists robbed. Tied down and stripped down. You know where. Seriously, this place needs its own Law & Order spin off. It could be called ‘Law & Order: SVU (Salta Victims Unit)’ or something. Specially for the French, who seem to be fastidiously targeted by thugs in the area. Why do they keep going there, French people!? Attention: Quand vous allez à la Salta, vous marchez avec une cible sur la tête. C’est clair?
  •  Yeah, that’s right. I also speak French. But don’t fall prey of my flirtatious ways, people tell me I’m quite the douchebag.
  • It’s official, people: with Congress passing a bill this week declaring next February 20th a one-time national holiday, 2013 will be the laziest year ever! The bullshit excuse this year is to observe the 200th anniversary of the mythical Battle of Salta, which is kind of a big deal in Argentine history but I behold skeptically because nothing coming from Salta can be good. Factor in the superstition element (next year has the number 13 in it) and, despite its 18 holidays and seven long weekends, we’re looking at a pretty fucked up year.
  • Since the dawn of time (and as I’m sure the Catholic Church can attest),

    Did you know? The Rosario Flag Memorial looks like a giant penis. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    there’s nothing more offensive to the eye than the female anatomy. So that’s why probably one or two prudes this week were horrified to see that a 38-year old actress and model had desecrated the sanctity of the Flag Memorial in Rosario by posing nude for a photo shoot in front of it. The nerve! Naturally, the League of Extraordinary Boring Scholars (or whatever those nerds are called) were dismayed to see that the memory of the Argentine flag, tastefully represented by a giant patriarchal phallus, was being smeared by a dirty pair of tits. But worry not, friends, because the Penal Code (also clearly drafted by the penis) considers this to be a felony (too bad it’s not spelled “phallony”, I had my third penis joke right there) and now it’s up to the justice system to evaluate whether she should be executed or not. “No one is scandalized by the way women are portrayed in Marcelo Tinelli’s show,” the model complained. But what does she know, she’s a woman.

  • Here’s a depressing statistic that we’re all part of: according to some new study over 6000 cell phones are stolen every day in Argentina. By year’s end a total of 2,240,000 cell phones will have been snatched from our hands by the capricious claws of injustice (meaning a robber). Although, admit it: when your cell phone gets stolen and you start crying in silence, sitting on the curb, it’s not tears of sadness streaming down your face but tears of joy. It’s a rite of passage. You’ve finally become a part of this culture.
  • Here’s another depressing statistic: homicides in the city increased by 13% last year. BUT WAIT! Don’t start packing yet, because most of those deaths are not the result of violent crimes but the consequence of drunk people fighting each other so there’s no need to freak out your parents yet. Also, as you can see in the info graphic, most of those murders took place in the south side of the city, and let’s face it, you never go there. “Nueva Pompeya? Where’s that!?“. That’s you. That’s how you sound.
  • Oh and by the way, unlike having your cell phone stolen, getting killed in Argentina is definitely NOT a rite of passage. I mean, it could be but that opens a whole new philosophical discussion about heaven that I’m staying the fuck away from.
  •  As you’ve probably noticed, the Subte is still dealing with a little crisis of its own since the company running it just doesn’t have any more money and can’t give workers a raise. So in response to that, workers decided to strike again only this time the strike schedule is so complicated that it feels like you’re back in primary school trying to solve a math problem. “If you live in Belgrano and work from 8 am to 5 pm, what time should you leave the house/downtown office in order to make it past the turnstilesFor two extra points, how do you get to Nueva Pompeya before midnight?“. Yeah, good luck figuring that one out.
  • Regarding the football, I’m afraid there aren’t any juicy videos featuring a bunch of cavemen killing each other this week. So in order to make up for the lack of entertainment, here’s a video of a few idiots getting married by the Maradonian Church.
  • And yes, that is a real church. Did you check their Wikipedia page? I couldn’t make it past the second commandment. I had to run to the bathroom, lift the toilet seat and blow my brains out.
Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep fucking reminding you about this every Friday.

Posted in Thoughts of a ForeignerComments (0)

Weekly News Roundup, November 23rd.


It’s Friday again!

And here I am, hungover after being stuffed with turkey for hours courtesy of my American friends who kindly made me a part of their imperialist celebration (shout out to Anish and Will for an awesome meal. I love you guys. Also let me know when you find my pants).

And while their cultural dominance has begun spreading its tentacles on Argentina like a menacing squid ready to choke the life out of the traditional local meals, I have to admit that that turkey was freaking awesome.

Anyway, get ready to enjoy the long weekend (it’s a holiday on Monday, remember?) while I go curl in a fetal position and engage in some self-hating activities as punishement for eating so much. Oh and while you’re at it like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so you can keep up with random, useless information during the week.

This is what you need to know:

  • Here is a vulture fund waiting for Argentina to drop dead so it can go pick on its carcass. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    Well, it happened. After many years of comings and goings in Argentina’s fight with “holdout” bond investors (also known as “vulture funds“), New York Judge Thomas Griesa (pictured here) ruled in favour of bondholders and ordered our beloved South American nation to pay $1.3 billion dollars by December 15th.

  • Now I know you don’t know/care about any of this because it’s about the economy and as we all know reading about the economy sucks because it’s boring and there are no pictures involved (charts don’t count). But this is kind of a big deal because it could send the country into technical default (the impounding of the ship in Ghana is directly related to this) so I suggest you at least read through this Wikipedia entry to understand a little bit more about what’s happening. If after reading you still don’t get it then unfortunately there’s nothing I can do. You’re on your own.
  • Going back to the ruling: Argentina called Griesa’s move an example of “judicial colonialsm” and vowed to appeal, saying it’s ready to take the case all the way up to the US Supreme Court.
  • See? Now that you know what this whole mess is about, don’t you feel a little bit better about yourself?
  • If you left the house last Tuesday, you probably noticed the fact that the entire country was in chaos, especially Buenos Aires. Dozens of roadblocks. No trains. Limited Subte and bus services. No banks. No hospitals. No restaurants (OK, some restaurants) and garbage on the streets. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Strike-alypse 2012. Called by Hugo Moyano‘s dissident CGT, Pablo Micheli’s CTA, and the Small Farmers Association (FAA) the nationwide strike was a middle finger to President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner because she refuses to discuss  a hike in the income tax floor and the expansion of the universal child allowance. And unionists warned: “if things don’t change, we will have to expand our measures”. So far Argentina sounds like paradise, doesn’t it? Hold on, it gets better (“better” as in “worse”).
  • Cristina, unfazed by the unions’ public displays of intimidation, replied with her middle finger as well. “This was not a strike,” she said. Uhhhh… OK. Then she said she would not be bullied or intimidated by anyone. So fuck you, unionists. Well, she didn’t say it like that, but kinda like that. Here, see for yourself.
  • Since things are basically free in this country, it’s time we start paying more for stuff. Fortunately the Government is willing to help us with that and this week announced new hikes on the electricity and gas bills in order to invest in the expansion of the energy grid. So if you live in Buenos Aires, your electricity bill will increase between $4 and $150 pesos and on a nationwide scale, your gas bill will increase between $4 and $60 pesos. Happy holidays.
  • Yes.
  • Things in Ghana are still as fucked up as they were last week. And the week before that. And the week before that. And the week before that.
  • OUTRAGE! Lawmaker and timely provocateur Gabriela Cerruti decided she had had enough of living in a world in which marijuana is constantly demonized and potheads are accused of being high all the time and stuff. So she decided to send a clear message in this whole debate, and tweeted a photo of a marijuana plant she had at home. Naturally, as it always happens with potheads, they took this as a call to arms and promptly revolted, destroying the very foundations of society by looting and pillaging, murdering and raping everyone and proclaiming this country as New Cannabia (Old Cannabia being Holland or Uruguay, or one of those that have succumbed to the despotic rule of pot. I mean, why do you think Cambodian iron-fist ruler Pol Pot was evil? It wasn’t the Pol prefix, I tell you that much). No, I’m kidding of course (except for the “Pol Pot was evil” part. That was true.). The ones that were up in arms were the conservatives, who were invoking this articulate war cry throughout the media ecochamber. Eduardo Feinmann (Bill O’Reilly‘s Argentine long-lost brother) was particularly enraged but not to worry, he always is.
  • Hurray! Another human rights victory for the gay community. Looks like if you’re gay and try to donate blood, soon you will be able to kiss the “do you like the penis” question goodbye, since Congress is poised to pass an amendment to  the Blood Donation law that eliminates the penis question. Yay!
  • Oh-oh. This will certainly not help the Government’s effort to appease accusations of ideological indoctrination in schools. Do you remember when you were in school and you took part in innocent plays that looked and sounded like this? They would make you wear costumes featuring improbable adventure pals, like a sunflower holding hands with a killer whale and your parents probably thought it sucked but thanks to a little suspension of disbelief it would turn out alright. Then on your drive home you would all get burgers  and ice cream and laugh. Remember? Well not anymore, bitch because SHIT JUST GOT REAL! A primary school in the city of Vera, in Santa Fe (Oh look! They have a Wikipedia page! They are going places), staged this play aptly named “The one who couldn’t save in dollars,” which features a 5-year-old woman (girl?) complaining that the president won’t let her buy dollars because she “only helps the poor, and what about the rich?”. Makes sense, right? Then, while parents in the back laugh at the precocious, sassy actress, she stages a cacerolazo (a weak plot twist because I totally saw it coming) and then threatens to kill the others with a gun, but a guy in a wheelchair (the economy?) grabs the gun and kills her because, of course.  OK, not the economy, just a guy in a wheelchair. Yay, legitimate theater! Also horrifying.
  • And in a capricious twist of fate, an American tourist who was trying to buy dollars illegally in the downtown area was shot by a couple of robbers on Thursday. See? Consider that school play to be a cautionary tale: you try to buy dollars, you get shot. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
  • Speaking of indoctrination and poor acting skills, remember last week when I spoke of “Néstor Kirchner – The Movie“? Well, apparently it sucks, according to a review featured on a New York Times blog (full disclosure: the author of the article, Daniel Politi, is a friend of mine and we watch Homeland together so I may be biased but I still trust his opinion). Anyway, it’s kind of a disappointment because usually when a movie has “The Movie” in the title it’s usually hilarious (See: ‘The Simpsons – The Movie‘, or ‘Garbage Pail Kids – The Movie‘).  This time I guess it doesn’t.
  • OK, I’m not really sure why this is a big deal, but according to the Internet this is totally a big deal, so don’t freak

    David Hasselhoff. Kind of a big deal, for some reason. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    out but David Hasselhoff (yeah that’s right, from this classic footage) was in Buenos Aires this week and is now in Mar del Plata for some festival or conference or whatever. One of those.

  • No, I  don’t know! Does it really make that much of a difference?! Stop it.
  • JESUS! FINE!! HE CAME FOR THE MAR DEL PLATA FILM FESTIVAL. THERE. Two minutes of my life I will never be able to get back thanks to your constant obsession with knowing every fucking detail.
  • By the way, did you click on the link for “this classic” above? Because if you thought it was Baywatch, you’re wrong.
  • When I heard the other day the breaking news that Apple wasn’t coming to Argentina I was like “Yeah, I know”. Then I found out people were actually talking about Fiona Apple, and I was like “Who?”. But that’s a different story. Anyway, if you were hoping to go see her, you’re out of luck because her dog is dying (or dead, I’m not sure) and she cancelled her South American tour because of it. First Coldplay, now this? Life is extraordinarily unfair.
  • This week on “Savages“: for once it was time for the hooligans in the UniónColón match (also known as the poor man’s Superclásico) to bring down the cultural barriers set up by The Man to keep the people away from football players living in their ivory towers. So they brought them down. Literally.
Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep fucking reminding you about this every Friday.

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