Nicolás Maduro, Venezuela’s caretaker president, has asked US President Barack Obama to halt an alleged plot by the CIA to assassinate opposition presidential candidate Henrique Capriles Radonski.

Nicolas Maduro, Venezuela’s caretaker President (photo courtesy of Wikipedia)

Maduro first mentioned the plot last week, citing former Bush administration officials Roger Noriega and Otto Reich as instigators. “I call on President Obama to end the plan. Roger Noriega, Otto Reich, officials at the Pentagon and the CIA are behind a plan to assassinate the right wing presidential candidate to create chaos,” he said in a TV interview yesterday.

He went on to say that the plan was intended to “fill Venezuelans with hate” as they prepare to vote by blaming Capriles’ murder on the OPEC nation’s government. The United States have denied the claims, “We categorically reject all allegations of US government involvement in any plot to harm anyone in Venezuela,” State Department spokesman Patrick Ventrell said.

Capriles, leader of Movimiento Primero Justicia, launched his election campaign with rallies in different Venezuelan states over the weekend where he signalled a warning to Maduro. “Nicolás, I know you are watching me. Listen, I’m going to destroy you with votes. Here are the people!” He told a crowd in the western city of Mérida. “You don’t have any people kid, because they were followers of the former president Chávez.” Capriles also said that Maduro would be to blame if anything were to happen to him.

Two recent polls gave the acting president a lead of more than ten points. Both were conducted before Chávez’s death.

As Barack Obama prepares for his second term as president of the United States, he is faced with a series of issues pertaining to Latin America, a major regional trading partner and hemispheric neighbour.

With a few exceptions, Latin America was conspicuously absent from much of the campaign dialogue. As Fernanda Kobelinsky wrote for Infobae, in “the current state of affairs, with a Chinese commercial threat, a Europe in crisis, and the Arab World in convulsions, our region doesn’t present any great challenges.”

That said, Latin Americans still can’t help but speculate as to what four more years of an Obama White House will mean for the region. From drug violence in nearby Mexico, to the continued embargo against Cuba, the region faces problems both old and new. What remains to be seen is how – and if – Obama will handle these pressing issues.

Venezuela

Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez, who himself won re-election for another six-year term last month, has expressed his support for the president, stating in September: “If I was from the US, I’d vote for Obama. [He is] a good guy.”

Hillary Clinton and Hugo Chávez meet in 2009 (Wikimedia)

This amicable attitude is only Chávez’s most recent disposition towards the former Illinois senator, in a relationship that has ranged from tentative admiration to outright contempt since Obama’s inauguration in 2009.The two heads of state suffered strained relations in 2009 when the US accused the Venezuelan government of providing support to Colombian FARC rebels.

The relationship has since warmed, however, strengthened no doubt by the two countries’ strong business ties. Despite the rhetoric and occasional vitriol hurled back and forth across the Caribbean, Venezuela remains one of the United States’ top five oil suppliers, while the US is the oil-rich nation’s biggest market, importing close to a million barrels per day as of August 2012.

Chávez implied that last night’s elections signified a shift in the mind-set of the North American public away from the conservative policies of Republican politicians, and expressed hope that the two countries would normalise relations

His sentiments echo those of many Venezuelans who view Obama as, if not cut from the same cloth as Chávez, then at least a far cry from right-wing US politicians.

“For all the deaths he’s caused, he’s not touched Latin America,” Caracas resident Miguel Bigello told CNN. “The other guy [Mitt Romney] is too radical. He will fight here for the oil.”

In a campaign season that was otherwise largely devoid of any mention of Latin America, Venezuela was cited as a “threat to national security” by Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who compared Chávez to Cuban ex-president Fidel Castro and suggested that he would cease dialogue with the leftist government.

It remains to be seen if this thaw in relations will continue over the next four years, or if the US and Venezuela will once again take up their roles as ideological antagonists. A major factor in the outcome will be the role of China, which may displace the US as Venezuela’s major purchaser of oil.

Cuba

Both international analysts and Cubans remain undecided as to how or whether Barack Obama’s re-election will affect relations between the quarrelsome neighbouring countries. The socialist island nation remains under a 52-year-old embargo, the world’s longest-running trade sanction.

During his first term, President Obama eased travel restrictions for Cuban-Americans (who, under the previous Bush administration, could only visit Cuba once every three years), lifted travel restrictions for educational purposes, and made it easier for tour groups to visit the island as “people-to-people” ambassadors. The Cuban government, for its part, lifted restrictions on its citizens wishing to travel abroad, in a law that will go into effect in January 2013.

Critics argue, however, that this progress is long-overdue and accuse Obama of not properly addressing pressing issues such as the embargo, Cuba’s controversial status as a “state sponsor of terrorism”, as well as the closing of the North American facilities at Guantanamo Bay.

Analysts have pointed out that the vote of the influential Cuban-American community of Florida, a critical swing-state in US elections, may have caused Obama to tread lightly when addressing controversial issues regarding Cuban relations. Whether he takes the same approach now that he doesn’t have another re-election to consider is a question posed on both sides of the Florida Straits.

Mexico and Brazil

On the economic front Obama will have to continue dealing with the two Latin American powerhouses Mexico and Brazil. They both face very different problems and hold very different positions towards the United States.

Obama Greets Lula and Rousseff in the White House (Wikimedia)

In a poll carried out by BBC Brazil, a large majority of Brazilians said they would prefer Obama to Romney. However despite this preference there was no real enthusiasm in Brazil over the US elections as many feel the North American superpower continues to ignore its Southern neighbours. Brazil has had a rocky relationship with the United States in the last decade. In 2002 left-leaning Luiz Inácio Lula Da Silva was elected on a platform of radical social and economical change that worried many in the US and international financial institutions.

Although falling well short of the IMF and United States’ worst predictions, during his two terms in power Lula implemented a number of nationalisation policies and increased Brazilian protectionism. So has his successor and former chief of staff, President Dilma Rousseff. This has led to tension with the US who in turn has imposed protectionist trade restrictions against the South American country.

Republican governments have a tradition of non-intervention in economic matters and a Romney presidency might have led to a lifting of these restrictions, but Obama’s next four years do not promise much difference. Despite this President Rousseff said a few months ago that Brazil “very much welcomes the major improvements that have been found in the US economy in the recent past, and I am quite certain that that will very much be the emphasis in the next few months and years ahead under the capable leadership of President Obama,” counting on his re-election.

Brazil is likely to continue relying more heavily on regional cooperation within Mercosur, the South American Common Market that includes Brazil, Uruguay, Argentina, and Venezuela. Brazil will also look to continue developing its ties with the other BRIC countries, Russia, India, and especially China.

The case of Mexico differs radically from that of Brazil in that it shares a 3,000km long border with its northern neighbour. The result of this geographical proximity is a strong dependence on many issues but particularly in economic and security terms. The economic cooperation between Mexico and the US has continued increasing since they signed a free trade agreement (NAFTA) in 1994. The US is by far Mexico’s largest trading partner with roughly half of Mexico’s imports coming from north of the Rio Grande.

Felipe Calderón and Barack Obama (Wikimedia)

This cooperation is not likely to change with Obama’s re-election or president-elect Enrique Peña Nieto’s inauguration in December, as both have acknowledged the importance of one another in their respective economies. However one of the largest security threats to the US, the increasing power of Mexico’s drug cartels, was not mentioned once during the presidential debate on foreign policy between the two candidates.

The so-called War on Drugs started by President Felipe Calderón in 2006 has resulted a complete failure. Over 65,000 lives have been lost and US$1 trillion spent (US$15.5bn by Obama for 2011 alone) on the War on Drugs and yet cocaine is cheaper and more easily available in the United States than ever. As many as 1,000 arms per day flow south from the US into Mexico and arms sales regulation still remains a taboo issue for United States’ presidential candidates.

“We have to look at our own corruption, the terrible impunity and lack of justice. We have to fix these problems ourselves, not wait for Obama or Romney. But that Mexico didn’t even warrant one line in the last debate, when we have thousands dead, and even two CIA agents nearly killed in an ambush recently – that tells you that the US – Mexico relationship is not going to change,” Mexican journalist Anabel Hernandez, told Susana Seijas reporting for CNN.

It seems that four more years of Obama’s government is unlikely to provide any breakthrough on the issue. The only hope from the US on the drug issue will probably come at state level if others choose to follow similar steps as Washington and Colorado that recently legalised the recreational use of marihuana.

Tonight’s the first debate between Romney and Obama in Denver and for those who want to vote from abroad the deadline is getting closer.

The elections will be held on 6th November, meaning we are just a few days from the four-week period before which it is recommended to request your absentee ballot. Here is a quick guide on how to it.

To be able to vote, you must first fill in a Voting Registration/ Absentee Ballot Request. The form is available in pdf format at www.fvap.gov.

However we recommend using the excellent Overseas Vote Foundation, which provides a step by step guide to filling the form and at the end delivers a completed pdf document you just have to date and sign before sending to your local official in your home state in the US. To complete the form you will need to enter your personal information, including your last valid address in the United States so it’s best to have it handy.

Most states offer the possibility to scan and send the form via e-mail, which at this point is the most efficient way of requesting your ballot. If this option is available it will say so on the mailing details provided in the document you have generated.

If you have not received your absentee ballot 30 days before the election date, (ie. 7th October) you will have to fill in another form, the Federal Write In Absentee Ballot (FWAB) that specifies who you want to vote for.

You can also do this on Overseas Vote Foundation, especially useful as it provides exact names for all the candidates (President, Senators and Representatives).

Note that you must have first completed and submitted the Absentee Ballot Request before filling in the Federal Write In Absentee Ballot.

The US Embassy in Buenos Aires is organising a “Absentee Vote Day” tomorrow 4th October from 9am to noon. More info here.

Shortly before U.S. president Barack Obama arrived in Colombia for the Summit of the Americas last weekend, at least 11 secret service agents were allegedly involved in “embarrassing” misconduct involving prostitution, sources cited by CNN, Bloomberg and BBC say.

According to Bloomberg News, a Cartagena prostitute refused to leave a room occupied by the U.S. Secret Service until she was paid, igniting the controversy. According to CNN, preliminary findings showed that several prostitutes were brought back to Hotel Caribe.

The members involved have since been sent home, and are on leave and under investigation.

“We let the boss down,” said U.S. joint chief of staff chairman Martin Dempsey in a news conference, in reference to president Obama. “We are embarrassed.”

Five additional service members are thought to have been involved but have not been placed on leave as of yet. A statement from the U.S. Southern Command said the personnel had violated curfew orders and “may have been involved in inappropriate conduct” at the same hotel as the other 11.

“I find this to be so appalling,” said senator Susan Collins of the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee to reporters. “I can’t help but think: What if the women involved had been spies? What if they’d been members of the drug cartel? What if they’d planted equipment or eavesdropping devices?”

Sources sited by BBC say the scandal has diverted media attention away from Obama’s original aims for the summit; to discuss trade, energy and national security.

In a press conference before leaving Cartagena, the U.S. president said he is awaiting the results of the impending investigation.

“If it turns out that some of the allegations that have been made in the press are confirmed, then of course I’ll be angry,” Obama said. “We’re representing the people of the United States. And when we travel to another country, I expect us to observe the highest standards.”

President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner met for 30 minutes with US President Barack Obama to discuss trade, the Falklands/Malvinas, and the state of bilateral relations between Argentina and the United States during last week’s Summit of the Americas in Cartagena, Colombia.

“It was a half-hour meeting, excellent, in which we talked of many things and reaffirmed that beyond our differences is the relationship between the two countries,” President Fernández said today following her announcement of the plan to expropriate oil company YPF.

Among the outstanding issues between Argentina and the US are differences in trade.  Last month, the US dropped Argentina from its preferential trade network after Argentina failed to pay court-ordered damages in excess of $300 million to two US companies.

The complaint comes in the context of global criticism of Argentina’s cumbersome import scheme, which several countries raised at the World Trade Organisation (WTO).

President Obama made clear that there were no specific trade demands on Argentina and that the discussions were for the public record.

On the issue of the Falklands/Malvinas, despite further appeals for support of Argentina’s cause, President Obama maintained US neutrality.

“Our position is that we will continue to be neutral,” Obama said. “We have good relations with Argentina and Britain and hope to be able to continue a dialogue on this subject, but it is not something we would usually intervene.”

Argentina’s foreign minister Héctor Timerman characterised the talks as productive, noting the desire among both countries to remain “good friends and partners.” Foreign Ambassador Jorge Argüello went further, describing the healthy working relationship between the countries despite challenges.

“The two presidents will work with the aim of optimising a relationship that, like all others, is good at times and no so good at other times, according to circumstances.”

One week ahead of the Summit of the Americas, Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff is in Washington, D.C. to discuss economics and trade with US President Barack Obama.

The meeting represents President Rousseff’s first official visit to the United States since taking office at the start of 2011. Last March, Obama travelled to Brazil to visit Rousseff, at which time tensions were raised over the effects of US corn and ethanol subsidies. The subsidies have since been lifted to favour Brazilian exporters.

Today, the two presidents will be discussing the importance of bilateral relations in science and innovation.

Specifically, Brazil’s Students Without Borders program will send more than half of its participants to the United States for training in science, technology, engineering, and math. President Obama, for his part, has formed a similar initiative to send 100,000 students to countries in Latin America, including Brazil.

Some of the issues to be discussed in the meeting will surround areas of tension between the countries, such as Brazil’s characterisation of a global currency war harming the country’s exports as a result of a strong real.

The United States has maintained low interest rates and a policy of quantitative easing to expand its monetary reserves, contributing in part to Brazil’s currency problem.

President Obama is also expected to seek a more streamlined visa process for US citizens entering Brazil, in light of easier restrictions for Brazilians entering the United States.

One of the aspirations of the Brazilian government is to gain a seat on the UN Security Council, with hopes that the US will support its bid. Analysts believe this is unlikely to happen at this point in time, a position that may hinder the full realisation of bilateral interests between the countries.

Both President Obama and President Rousseff will be attending next week’s Summit of the Americas, which is set to take place in Cartagena, Colombia.

President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner has criticised U.S. president Barack Obama’s decision to temporarily suspend trade with Argentina.

Speaking at the Government House, the Argentine president took the opportunity to point out that the export of beef is restricted and that “not even one of our lemons can enter their market”. Neither of these commodities come under the Generalized System of Preferences (GSP), a programme which waives U.S. import duties on goods from developing countries.

“We have to be attentive to these little trade wars and guerrillas,” said Fernández de Kirchner, in tangential reference to the policy adopted by the U.S. “We will try to address this in the most civilised and legal way possible.”

The president also confirmed that the objective of her economic model is “socially inclusive growth,”clarifying that this “is not any kind of growth”.

“Just any kind of growth is not beneficial for us and, therefore, we continue to seek support from all sectors,” she said. “We have achieved an important synergy and we will maintain it with work and a bit of intelligence; it’s about not giving up even in hard times.”

The president’s statement comes on the same day as Obama’s administration suspended trade benefits with Argentina due to its failure to comply with rulings from the World Bank’s International Centre for the Settlement of Investment Disputes (ICSID) that protects two U.S. corporations.

United States president Barack Obama announced today that his administration would temporarily suspend trade benefits with Argentina. It was a harsh punishment for what the president sees as the South American country not acting “in good faith” in accordance with fee agreements.

According to Reuters, Argentina failed to pay more than $300 million “in compensation awards in two disputes involving U.S. investors”.

In 60 days, Argentina will be suspended from the U.S. Generalized System of Preferences program, which “waives import duties on thousands of goods from developing countries”.

The two companies that will be affected by the measure are Houston-based Azurix Corp, and Blue Ridge Investment, a subsidiary of Bank of America. The two companies were to receive compensation for the Argentine government’s actions 10 years ago.

“We urge the Government of Argentina to pay the subject awards,” U.S. Trade Representative Ron Kirk said in a statement. “This would allow us to consider reinstating Argentina’s GSP eligibility and promote the growth of a mutually beneficial U.S.-Argentina trade and investment relationship.”

According to various sources, the move is part of a grander scheme to pressure Argentina into paying off its various debts to the U.S. investors after an $81 billion default.

President Obama’s announcement comes one month prior to the Sixth Summit of the Americas, an event in which both he and Argentine president Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner plan to attend.

It’s Friday again!

And honestly I have no idea why I sound so cheerful when in fact everything that happened this week pretty much sucks.

Seriously! People dying, prices skyrocketing and on top of that, Big Brother Argentina is back. It’s been a tough week.

So I will understand if after reading this you decide to go spend your Friday night drowning your sorrows in alcohol.

Unless you’re reading this on Sunday morning while having breakfast. If that is the case then I’ve totally made your Sunday ever more horrible than it already is, and for that I apologize.

Here’s what you need to know:

• 

  "Come on, let's blow this joint," Obama said. Cristina agreed, giggling. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Alright guys. Honestly it’s very strange, but the US has suddenly had a change of heart and it seems that all it wants to do is become Argentina’s totally cool BFF these days.  Remember last week when I told you that Barack Obama had asked for a private meeting with President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner when they met in Cannes for the G20 Summit? Well it happened! What did they talk about? Are they best friends yet? Will Argentines continue to require a visa to enter the US? Did they swap spit? No, yes and maybe. So after the meeting they said the usual: blablabla “important business partners,” blablabla “opportunity to be friends again,” blablabla “we both care about science and technology,” and not much more, all while they were trying to fight the strong sexual tension between them. That’s it. Here’s a video of the joint conference they held afterwards, and if you want to know more, then go check the news and find out for yourself. I’m not your bitch.

• Minutes before the first meeting between the G20 presidents yesterday, Obama, Fernández de Kirchner and French President Nicolas Sarkozy got together for a brief chat. What did Obama do? He pointed at Cristina and told Sarkozy that “they both needed to learn lessons from her” after she managed to get reelected by such a large percentage of the population. Cristina then spontaneously combusted.

• US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton also called the President this week and told her that she wanted to congratulate her on her reelection and looked forward for renewing their bilateral relationship and being friends again. A few days later, Clinton’s mother passed away and President Fernández de Kirchner was one of the first to send her a letter offering her deepest sympathies. Told ya! The have gone from this to this in less than a week.

• As if that weren’t enough, yesterday a congressman from New York (a Democrat, obviously) asked Obama to declassify all files that the CIA has on the Argentine dictatorship from 1976 to 1983, since he believes it may help identify many of babies who were born in captivity and improve relations with Argentina.

• So yeah. I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but if you Americans are thinking of asking for money, let me tell ya, we don’t have any. In the meantime, Argentines are loving all this kind of attention, proving that the reason why Argentina hates the US so much is because they want to marry it.

• In other G20 news, Italy’s Prime Minister and perverted womanizer Silvio Berlusconi will continue to behave as such and he doesn’t give a shit about what you think.

• As of last Monday, the National Government announced that the AFIP Tax Agency would require background checks for anyone trying to buy dollars, since for the last few months the Central Bank reserves have been going down like crazy after paranoid crazy fucks, fearing that Cristina herself was going to come for their savings, began sending their money abroad.  So now, in order to increase the supply of dollars on the local market, the Argentine Government has gone all post-9/11 US on our asses. Tough shit!

• In a completely unexpected move, yet totally expected, the National Government announced this week that they had decided to begin eliminating the subsidies that they had put in place in 2003 in order to help a majority of the population when the economy was in the crapper. Now that Argentina is like, the best country in the history of the universe and everyone is rich again, there’s no more need for them! So they announced they would begin by eliminating energy, gas and water subsidies for corporations and eventually for families. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but chances are that very soon your utilities will triple from one month to another. You live in Palermo and you pay $50 a month of electricity? Well, by January you will surely be paying $150.  Tough shit, part 2!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And remember how nothing happened last week? Well, naturally everything happened this week.

So no preambles this time, let’s get down to business shall we?

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Four more years! (Photo, Wikipedia)

  President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was reelected by a landslide last week! But you probably already knew that, right? If not, you should know I’m judging you in silence. Anyway, not only she became Latin America’s first reelected female president but her party also regained a majority in Congress, which they had lost in 2009. During her victory speech she seemed conciliatory and vowed to keep working to expand the government model that began when her husband became the President of Argentina in 2003. She was seen dancing happily on stage along with his son Máximo and her daughter Florencia, who may or may not be Lady Gaga. Congratulations Madame President!

•  Self-proclaimed deity Diego Maradona congratulated President Fernández de Kirchner, and posted a photo of himself on the web with a message for her that contains a few words in English, the language of the capitalist devils. Awkward!

• Great news everyone! US President Barack Obama congratulated President Fernández de Kirchner after being reelected and has asked for a meeting with her next week when they are both in Cannes for the G20 Summit. Yay! Does that mean that the US and Argentina are friends again? I’m telling you, there’s a lot of sexual tension whenever those two get together.

• Horrible news everyone! Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad also called President Fernández de Kirchner to congratulate her. Apparently good old Mahmoud wants to “improve relations” with Argentina, which are a little strained because of the whole “several Iranians blew up a building in Buenos Aires in 94 and I, President of Iran, refuse to turn them in for fair trial” thing. Let’s see how that goes.

• Then there was also British Prime Minister David Cameron, who sent a congratulatory message that quite literally read: “Congrats! We’re still not gonna give you the Falklands though.”

• OK, so it didn’t say it like that, but it still said that the Malvinas/Falklands debate was off the table, and that they would be sending a warship to the area “just in case.” Can’t wait to read what the President’s Thank You note says.

• This Thursday was also the first anniversary of the death of former President Néstor Kirchner, and the entire country got together to remember him fondly and celebrate not his death, but his legacy. Authorities in Santa Cruz, his home province, unveiled his new mausoleum, an ugly-ass building that looks like something out of a Tim Burton film and that perpetuates the notion that he suffered from serious deliriums of grandeur. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the statue they unveiled, which totally looks like a bronze Freddy Krueger about to rip you to shreds with his terrifying glove.

• To conclude this historic week in Argentina, the two puddles of shit that are Jorge “Tigre” Acosta and Alfredo Astiz, two men who became the face of horror after being accused of thousands of deaths and disappearances (and the torture of pregnant women) at the ESMA Navy School of Mechanics during the last dictatorship were finally sentenced to life in prison. Astiz, labeled by many the “Angel of Death” because of his angelic face, was smirking throughout the reading of the sentence like the repugnant slime that he is. Don’t feel bad though, just remember that from now on, every time you go to sleep at night he will be getting raped by eight guys and beaten in the face until he’s rendered unconscious for the next…uhm…well, until he dies.

• Also, because seeing our current Economy Minister and Vice-President-elect Amado Boudou playing guitar on stage is not embarrassing enough, now you’re given the choice to become him too. Forget about Guitar Hero, that’s for mediocre musicians and nerds. I give you Boudou Hero, where you get to play the same song from La Mancha de Rolando, over and over again until you feel like you want to blow your brains out. Pretty much like in real life.

• Mutant-looking mouth and Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tylerwas
  

  Steven Tyler, back when he didn't look like a tooth-less old lady. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  getting ready for a show in Asuncion, Paraguay, when he slipped and fell inside his hotel bathtub. This is what he looks like now, and he is still cooler than you’ll ever be in your entire life. He rescheduled his shows in Paraguay and today he is getting ready to play in Argentina. (I know, technically the news come from Paraguay so it’s not really local news, but you know, for most of you South America was all part of Brazil or something before you came here, so whatever.  Don’t hate me, I’m just applying your logic).

• In other news coming from South America, Chile has now issued a red alert over the possibility that another volcano, the Hudson, might erupt anytime soon and asked for residents living in the area to evacuate. OK, can I just say what everyone is thinking? Yeah, Sebastian Piñera is cursed. Ever since he was elected last year, Chile has gone through a devastating earthquake, a killer tsunami, the Chilean miners drama, a blackout that left the nation’s capital in the dark, a spectacular pile-up in a highway that left many dead, the eruption of the Puyehue volcano, another earthquake, a plane crash on the Juan Fernandez island that killed all passengers on-board, a nationwide student revolt and now ANOTHER volcanic eruption. Dude, for the sake of your people, just quit already.

• Ever heard the expression “Homer Simpson is an Argentine”? Chances are you have, since that is the reason most Argentines use to describe their obsessive and unconditional love for The Simpsons. Don’t worry, it’s all part of the guilt they feel for letting such an American pop-culture icon become so deeply entrenched with the local population, so they use that expression in order to feel better with themselves. Anyway, more “evidence” about the Simpsons’ true DNA was found this week after the media discovered a three-eyed fish near an energy plan in Cordoba. Just like Blinky! This, according to the national media, is more incontrovertible proof that Matt Groening is an Argentine, and now everyone can continue to hate the US without any guilt, which is a relief considering that they are already celebrating Halloween this weekend, and that would be too much.

• **UPDATE** After having to deal with the horrendous fish for over two days, waiting for someone to come and investigate it, the guy who fished it out threw it in the garbage. Like, literally.

• Remember last month’s accident involving a bus and a train, and how authorities vowed it would never happen again? Oops.

• Even after this, the streets are covered in shit.

• It hasn’t been a good week for the football world. First, Lionel Messi failed to score a couple of times when playing for his team in Spain, which in the sports media world translates as “Has Messi gone over the hill?”. Ugh. Shut up, sports media. Get a real job, like regular the media does.

• One guy in the River Plate Club’s board of directors was mad at another guy who had sold him a house with humidity problems so, naturally, he went and stabbed him.

• While Jonathan Botinelli from the San Lorenzo team was in practice, several hooligans who were mad at him (because he was probably not scoring enough goals maybe? Whatever.), naturally, broke into the field and beat  him up.

• In a match between Racing and Lanus, some guy fell to the ground and the referee blamed another guy from the opposite team. This guy was apparently not happy about this so, naturally, he went and kicked the other guy in the face while he was still on the ground. Now there’s someone who literally kicks you when you’re down! Lame joke, I know. Do you know how hard it is to come up with fresh material every week?? Gimme a break.

• And yes, I know. “Violence is everywhere, not just football!” you are probably saying. But guess what, I’m biased. Deal with it.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono