It’s Friday again!

And don’t forget to like us on Facebook, because we’re trying to get more fans than Justin Bieber and for some reason it’s going pretty slow.

This is what you need to…- What? No, no introductory paragraph today.

What’s the point anymore? You already know what this is all about.

Just read, who cares.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez, who you don't know very well but have heard that he's like Saddam, or Bin Laden or Darth Vader or one of those. You're not sure. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Victory! Our Venezuelan brothers and sisters once again decided that change is no fun and reelected supreme overlord Hugo Chávez for the third time. Which means we’re gonna have to put up with his singing until 2019, when I’m sure he’ll be reelected again, and again, and again. Our lady President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was fast to tweet about it, and now all we need is for their socialist partner in crime of the north Barack HUSSEIN (this part all in caps to remind you he’s probably Kenyan or Arab or something) Obama to get reelected so the three of them can form the axis of coolness. No, really. Believe it or not Chávez is super gay for Obama. Read this piece by Reuters and tell me there’s not an underlying tone of homoeroticism somewhere in there.

• Seriously? First bullet point and I already need to explain I’m joking? OK.

• But not all was well in the Bolivarian (I said Bolivarian, not Bolivian, and yes, there’s a difference) republic, since local anti-Kirchnerite journalist and “kind of affable guy” Jorge Lanata, who was there to cover the electoral process, was stopped by the Venezuelan police as he was trying to leave the country and had all his footage confiscated and erased. Understandably upset, Lanata took to his news network to denounce censorship, an accusation that was met by Kirchnerites with skepticism and mockery. Now, does Lanata dislike Cristina? Absolutely. Is this a made up story in order to make the Government look bad? Unlikely, but you’re welcome to believe whatever makes you feel any better. But when you say “if it truly happened, then he deserved it” just because you don’t like what he says, then it’s time to admit that it’s not that you don’t like a fascist state. You just don’t like a fascist state you disagree with.

• Oh, and before you get the hate mail rolling: no. I didn’t not just call this Government “fascist”. I’m simply trying to exemplify that if you are willing to let such blatant violation of freedom of the press (real or not) go unnoticed just because you don’t like a network’s ideology, then you have no right to complain when in the future something similar happens to a journalist you like. Got it?

• Also, there’s a lot happening with regards to the Government’s Media Law and the day it’s supposed to go in effect (December 7th, or “7-D”), but I know all about your short attention span and if I explain what it’s about you’ll forget in two hours so I’d rather cover it in the coming months. In the meantime, here’s Cristina talking about it on Cadena Nacional this week.

• You didn’t click on that, did you? That’s OK, I’m just checking.

• Here are some good news: the Grandmothers of the Plaza de Mayo announced that they have identified the 107th grandchild, a 34-year-old woman who was born in captivity and given away during the last military dictatorship.

• Speaking of that, remember last week how there was an imminent coup that according to some in the Government was threatening the very basis of democracy as we knew it and heralded a return to the dark ages of totalitarianism? Turns out it was just a legitimate protest. Sorry everyone!

• Ah, the abortion issue. Divider of societies and infuriator of gods. When several months ago the Supreme Court ruled in favor of abortion in case of rape, progressives all over the country celebrated while conservatives were dismayed by the thought of having to share Paradise with gay couples and dead babies. As the City passed a bill last month allowing abortion in cases of rape, Mayor Mauricio Macri said he would veto it because he didn’t agree with a couple of provisions, and for some reason mentioned when the first legal abortion was scheduled to take place. Obviously that was the perfect excuse for religious organizations to come out guns blazing, including Pro-Vida (Pro-Life, wink) who filed an injunction in court against the operation. Not only that, anti-abortion activists staged a protest outside the woman’s house (yes, the woman who was raped and got pregnant while in captivity) and one of Pro-Vida’s lawyers engaged in a cringing verbal war with C5N news anchor Debora Plager, who I totally want to marry right now.

• But in the end, sanity prevailed: the City had no choice but to appeal the ruling even though it agrees with it (Macri hadn’t vetoed the bill by the time she scheduled the abortion) and the judge who suspended the surgery was removed from the case. Yay!

• Also, if you’re suffering from information overload, here’s another way of dealing with abortion.

• This week, in “Presidential Visits that Go Largely Unnoticed because the Media Doesn’t Care“: Ireland’s Michael Higgins.

•  Remember last week when I told you about the Fragata Libertad and how it had been impounded by the Ghanaian government? Yeah, well. Sorry, it’s still impounded after Argentina failed to convince a square judge that the ship is entitled to immunity because it’s a military vessel. Articles are already surfacing about “how the crew is dealing with their unavoidable life in Ghana” and how they had to take some medicine in order to escape a deadly bout of malaria. It’s just like “Survivor“! Or it’s aborted Argentine version, Expedición Robinson which no one cared about.

• No seriously, it was really bad! Look.

• Oh, and the local Government, still enduring a bucolic hibernation and tumbling out of bed, finally decided to “send some guys over there and see what the fuzz is all about.”

• Three people found dead in a car in the middle of the jungle. Shot over forty times. You know where. Just evacuate that place.

• OUTRAGE! The local media, and by osmosis, the Argentine population, are offended with the neighboring country of Peru due at a YouTube video that went viral this week showing a Peruvian girl hitting an Argentine classmate outside their university in some region I never heard of. The Argentine girl, obviously offended because like I said six words ago, she’s Argentine, is demanding that the authorities do something against the tyrant bully and her xenophobic kingdom of terror. But as the Peruvian sheriffs seemingly failed to topple such a monstrous behemoth, the colossal task was left to the Argentine YouTube users, who by means of powerful acceptance and surgical diplomacy tried to handle such international crisis in the best way possible: “Dude, why the fuck are you staying there with all those indians? Just get a scholarship and come study to your country with your fellow countrymen. Those natives are NOT your people. Leave.“

• Yeah, that was an actual comment by YouTube user rainerschanegger. Klemens von Metternich must be proud. Or spinning in his grave.

• As we all know, it’s been scientifically proven that Palermo is the
  

  Klemens von Metternich. You probably don't know who he is, which makes him spin in his grave even more. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  neighborhood with all the cool happenings. So in case you were doing some laps around the park or sweating it at Vitruvian on Thursday, you may have noticed the Animal Control van parked in front of the planetario. As it turns out, people in the area were being terrified by a blood-thirsty monkey that had escaped from illegal captivity and was instilling fear by sitting casually on a tree while eating a tuna sandwich. Fortunately for the nation at large, the ungodly creature was killed “recaptured” and returned to safety (in a zoo). We hope. Ha! It’s a jungle out there. Literally! Right? RIGHT?!

• I know, I hate myself too.

• Oh and suddenly this doesn’t look like a clever marketing stunt anymore, does it? THIS IS HOW IT ALL STARTS, PEOPLE!!!!

• Now this is a tough one guys, so I need you to sit down. You know that I have a full disclosure policy. I like to be upfront when it comes to bad news because no matter how hard they are, it’s better to take them fast, remove them like a band-aid. I don’t know how to tell you this… well, actually I do: Ricardo Fort‘s show got cancelled last Saturday. Teary-eyed and visibly heartbroken, his honest farewell to his loyal audience of 17 people can only be compared to other moments of infinite sadness in pop culture history, such as the death of Bambi’s mom and the death of Simba’s dad. But before you run to your room and angrily tear up his posters, good old Ricardo regaled us with his unique talent one last time. And please, before you watch this, keep in mind that this is NOT parody. Enjoy his last song, and try not to kill yourself after it.

• Also: Disney, what the hell’s wrong with you?! No wonder we’re all fucked up.

• Monumental joy! If you happened to be walking around Libertador Av. last Monday afternoon, you were probably terrorized by chanting hordes of River Plate fans that were ravaging everything on their way in order to celebrate the creation of “the longest flag in the world.” That’s right, never underestimate football fans with a lot of time in their hands because this is what they’ll come up with. Right outside the River Plate stadium in Nuñez, over one hundred thousand fans dressed in red and white congregated in order to show the Guinness World Records that their flag (and by transference their penises) is the longest one in the world. 7.8 kilometers long! Think of the long work hours, the effort, the people who have died in the creation of such a gargantuan task only comparable to the pyramids of Giza. Congratulations are in order, River Plate fans. So congratulations!

• No, wait. I take that back. Next time do a little research, guys. As it turns out the “longest flag in the world” already exists and (sorry to tell you this) it’s 25 kilometers long! And it gets worse: it is also in Argentina! And it gets even worse: it was unveiled two years ago during the bicentennial celebrations in front of the entire nation! Ha! I assume you didn’t get the memo, eh fuckers? Better luck next time.

• What’s that, River Plate fans? Oh, the Guinness World Records still hasn’t officially recognized it so you’re trying to beat the Argentine flag to the punch? Oh, that’s clever! Who knows, maybe all the effort was not in vain after all and you will…- oh, fuck.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrbono@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

And don’t forget to like the Weekly News Roundup on Facebook, so we don’t have to keep fucking reminding you about this every Friday.

It’s Friday again!

And before you start reading, let me kindly suggest that you go get your news somewhere else.

No, I’m not kidding. I’m serious. Go read about something that really matters, like how your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s zodiacal sign means he/she is prone to infidelity.

Because honestly, there’s not much to read here this week. Everything you read will basically redirect you to two things: either the Malvinas/Falklands conflict or football.

And quite frankly, I think you and I have had enough of that.

So this week I had to face an impossible decision: either I didn’t write the column in order to let the Government know that this inherent lack of tomfoolery is like slamming my fired up creativity into a cold, refreshing pool of water, or I wrote it anyway and waited for the hate mail to start pouring in.

“You always talk about the same thing, man!”

You know what I mean.

So, after cogitating for some time about professionalism and respect for my loyal readers, I understandably took the high road and decided to tell you all to go fuck yourselves and go out for a beer.

So now I’m hung over and, for some reason, still writing this column even though I originally decided against it.

I was going somewhere with all this but I’ve lost my train of thought.

Thanks for nothing, readers.

This is what you need to- Oh yeah! Now I remember. Like I said, this week this column is mostly about the Malvinas and football. So there. Take it or leave it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Yes. I already used this photo a few months ago. If you have a better idea for a photo this week, you know where to write. I won't care but you know where to write. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  This week saw the 30th anniversary of the end of the Malvinas/Falklands War (See? Malvinas. Told you.) and of course the bilateral acrimony between Argentina and the United Kingdom was emanating strongly from both sides of the ocean. So here’s everything that happened in a nutshell, so we can get this out of the way fast and move to other more important things, like football.

• David Cameron, that cheeky British prime minister, thought that in order to piss off the Argentines even more on the day of the anniversary, it would be a good idea to fly the Falklands’ flag on top of 10 Downing Street. Very subtle way of saying “Fuck you”, sir. Congrats. You truly are a gentleman.

• On that same day, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner flew to New York to attend a conference at the United Nations, where the Special Committee on Decolonization regularly functions. “Regularly” of course being used ironically since in international relations the SCD is considered to be obsolete, but whatever. She spoke, she didn’t say anything new, once again asked the UK to give peace a chance and then urged the British government to engage in dialogue. Because dialogue is the only way that this will ever be solved. OK? OK. Now read the next bullet point.

• Once her speech was over, a representative of the islands’ government approached Foreign Minister Héctor Timerman and tried to hand him a letter addressed to Cristina in which he asked her to talk to them in order to discuss the islands’ sovereignty. Timerman said no. You guys didn’t think that whole dialogue bullshit was true, right? Because it’s not. Well, now the islanders are upset. Which means that there’s no possibility of a rapprochement anytime soon and I will still have to write about this stuff in the future. Fuck my life.

• Meanwhile, in the Malvinas/Falklands: the islanders, probably tired of being ignored by the international community, announced they would conduct a referendum on the islands in order to “put this sovereignty fuckery to rest once and for all.” Well, they didn’t say it like that, but that’s what they meant. So that’s great, guys! However, there’s no need to “announce” you’re gonna do it. Just do it! Considering the islands have a population of like, 12 people, you just go to the local pub and tell the parishioners to raise their hands and count. That’s it! Referendum ready.

• I’m kidding, islanders! I know you’re more than 12 people! I also know you read my weekly rants, so I’m sorry, but if everyone else falls then you don’t get to leave this column unscathed.

• This week, in non-Malvinas related news: the Interior Ministry announced the creation of a new passport that will cost 400 pesos and will include a state-of-the-art chip that Argentina hopes will persuade nations such as the US, Canada or Australia from asking citizens for a visa before they travel there. The good news is that since dollars are basically impossible to find anywhere in this country, Argentines weren’t even thinking of going there in the first place. See? Everybody happy.

• **UPDATE** The US has already replied by saying “Thanks! But no thanks.”

•  Apparently the cacerolazos are still happening, even though no one is actually aware of them. Not content with last week’s fiasco, which failed to galvanize the anti-Kirchnerite segment of the population, a few angry people decided to come out yesterday and bang their frying pans and teapots in order to demand access to their dollars protest corruption. Fortunately this time they had the help of former mayoral candidate and absolutely crazy person Guillermo Cherashny (did you click on that? You should. Want another one? Here’s another one). I’m not sure what Cherashny, a journalist who really did run for mayor of Buenos Aires, was doing there in the first place but if his protest methodologies are indication of anything, I’m certain the cacerolazos will eventually become a “thing”. After all, who could forget his You Tube video aimed at Hewlett-Packard in which he decides to take action against his laptop computer (did you click on that? You should.)?

• Also, since we are talking about protests and injustice, can anyone give this guy a hand? You see, former railway worker Luis Alberto Ninona has been indicted along with many others in the case investigating the Once railway tragedy that took the lives of 51 people last February. So understandably, Mr. Ninona is not allowed to leave the country, as he is suspected of being responsible of manslaughter. But, alas! His lawyer announced that he has all these (I assume, frequent flier) “miles” accumulated and he needs to used them before they expire for a little vacation in Punta Cana, where he’ll be sipping piña coladas for a few days only to eventually return to explain why he’s not kind of responsible for so many deaths. The prosecutor, clearly a bad person, has already said he will not let him leave Argentina for a trip with his family. Can any of you give this guy a hand? Anyone? No? Shame on you.

• Now here’s a piece of news that could be considered a semiotician’s wet dream: do you know who Richard Stallman is? Well, in case you’re too lazy to even click on that link to Wikipedia, let’s just say he’s a computer programmer who was become globally known as the leader of the “free software” movement. (also known as “people who want free shit”). You may recall reading about Mr. Stallman last year after he stirred quite a controversy when he said “he wasn’t glad Steve Jobs was dead but he was glad he was gone.” Still don’t know him? OK, never mind. Anyway, Mr. Stallman was invited to speak about free software at the UBA School of Economics last Friday and, predictably, had his personal computer, passport, medication and travel money stolen while he was giving his conference! So… karma? You know what, I take back what I said at the beginning. This week was amazingly funny.

• At long, last! After six interminable months devoid of music, dancing, and masturbatory material, the biggest TV show in the history of poor quality TV shows is back! (No, kids! I’m not talking about Ricardo Fort‘s megalomaniac extravaganza “Fort Night Show.” That one actually begins in eight days and it already looks like it’s gonna suck). I’m talking about the local version of Dancing With The Stars of course! The impressive opening last Monday, which lasted over 12 minutes, and I must admit is worth watching, featured the entire cast of Game of Thrones dancing to the tunes of Madonna, Adele, LMFAO and Michael Jackson. So it was pretty much the gayest 12-minutes in the history of television. Too bad after minute 13 it’s all downhill until December.

• By the way, if you’re not a pop culture connoisseur or you just arrived in this country and have no idea who Ricardo Fort is, let me just say that if Willy Wonka and The Situation from The Jersey Shore met at a bar one night and decided to have sex, he would be their illegitimate spawn. If you still don’t get the picture, here’s his already classic rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” which I have posted here a thousand times and will continue to post until I’m dead. Or he ‘s dead. Whichever comes first.

• Also, in unrelated news but somehow totally related: for months this image went viral on every social network last year, saying that every time you start watching Dancing With The Stars (hosted by Marcelo Tinelli) a book kills itself. So in some kind of poetic -yet depressing- twist of fate, last Monday night at 3:30 am and only a few hours after the Dancing With The Stars premiere was over, a water pipe in the Library of the City Legislature “mysteriously” broke and destroyed more than 13,000 invaluable books forever.

• Horror! For the first time in its 142 years, and in order to further perpetuate the notion (well… your notion) that this country is turning into North Korea, your favorite newspaper in the whole world (La Nación) failed to reach the newsstands due to a union conflict (workers demanding better salaries). So no, this time it wasn’t the Government trying to destroy free speech. Next week maybe, but not this time.

• This week saw the death of yet another singer you couldn’t care less about, this time was Memphis La Blusera‘s Adrian Otero. Since I know that you didn’t care about Estela Raval’s death last week and you don’t care about Otero’s death this week, let’s just be practical and move on. Sorry, everyone. There’s just no point in any of this.

• The reckless endangerment in this country continues, this time in the so-called “Poncho Rally (?)” in Catamarca. The good news is that, even though the driver could have killed dozens of bystanders that were casually standing on the side of the road, this time the only one getting kind of killed is him.

• Don’t worry, I said “kind of killed,” not “killed”. You can laugh without feeling any guilt.

• As signs of an impending zombie apocalypse continue to surface all over the world, a widow in Buenos Aires seems to have fully embraced the concept and decided to pimp the crypt in which her late husband is buried. She even has cable TV and everything! Now don’t laugh. Necrophilia is in this year. Don’t you watch True Blood? It’s basically a show about dead people fucking each other and so far I haven’t heard a qualm. It’s 2012, get over it.

• Shocking! The very aptly named “Happy Planet Index” shows that on the list of happiest countries on Earth, Argentina comes No. 17! You guys, that’s awesome! See? I told you those cacerolazos were nonsense. Everyone is happy here! Now, I have no idea how this is measured, how rigorous these studies are or how much bullshit factor is involved (not because I couldn’t find it, it’s all right there on the website. I just couldn’t be bothered to look it up). All I know is that if you live in the US, Mongolia or some landlocked African nation, chances are you are pretty pissed off right now.

• That cute little alpine town at the end of the world that you love so much (Ushuaia) is seemingly entering the Ice Age once again. Tierra del Fuego authorities reported that only last week it had already snowed half of what they would usually get in an entire season! People had to be evacuated and roads were closed, leaving the town completely isolated from the rest of the world. I’m not willing to bet on it, but I’m sure the people from the Happy Planet Index did not go all the way down there to ask how things were doing. Just saying.

• This week, in sports that I hate: Argentine football continues to
  

  Football. I fucking hate it. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  spiral down into utter chaos while I rub my hands in delight at the prospect of seeing that ignominious sport cancelled or constitutionally banned for good. Let’s read about it, shall we?

• River Plate is fucked. No, for real this time. As if last year’s relegation to the National B had not been enough, 2012 seems to be slapping fans in the face with a sledgehammer. Last Sunday, before a match between River Plate and some team named Boca Unidos that at first I thought it was Boca Juniors but then I realized it was not, two of River’s hooligan factions clashed inside the stadium, leaving one of them dead. That’s right, these guys are killing each other and they even root for the same team! The murderer was arrested today in Mendoza. So smart, these guys.

• **UPDATE** The internet peoples have kindly pointed out that, contrary to what the local media initially said, the stab victim was  actually not a member of a hooligan faction. He was just a fan. Now, since I usually don’t give a shit about football I would have let it slide, but in this case we’re talking about someone’s death and this information had to be corrected.

• As rumors that the River Plate stadium could be shut down due to the murder were abound, a new controversy exploded this week after a player from the ignotus (at least for me) team Patronato de Paraná or something like that casually dropped during a press conference that River Plate authorities had offered them “incentives” (i.e. bribes) to win a match against Rosario Central for some reason. The nationwide outrage was immediate and now, if the accusations are proven true, River Plate could be facing a 4-month to 2-year suspension from all football activities. Oh, come on guys. That wouldn’t be so bad! I mean, there’s always tennis.

• A game between Gimnasia de la Plata and Ferro had to be suspended after someone, who I swear to God was not me but totally could have been, called in a bomb threat.

• Yeah, sorry. No Wikipedia links to Gimnasia de la Plata or Ferro. Oh, they do exist. I just didn’t care to do it.

• Diego Maradona, whose opinion for some reason that escapes logic still matters, felt compelled to intervene in Argentina’s favorite pastime: insulting Lionel Messi.  ”If people here keep making his life miserable here, Messi is going to stay there (Spain) and never come back to Argentina,” he said. Haha! Maradona, you silly. What makes you think he ever wants to come back in the first place? You’re funny. You’re a funny guy. Why don’t you go back to winning trophies instead of talking about stuff no one cares about? Oh, that’s right.

• Last but not least: remember a couple of weeks ago when Frankenstein led a hooligan protest against the head of the Independiente club after he launched his own personal crusade to diminish the power of those deranged football fanatics? Well, he’s back! And this time, the man who goes by the non-threatening sobriquet “Bebote” (Big baby), may not be wearing a Frankenstein mask, but chose an equally intimidating fashion item: the pibe chorro hoodie. Not only that, he tried to face the bellwether president of the club, Javier Cantero, outside his club at night while the TV cameras were rolling. The result is scary and hilarious at the same time.

• So here I am, cigar in one hand, glass of port in the other, as I watch the world of Argentine football collapse upon its own gravity, like a decadent black hole struggling to survive its unavoidable fate while ravaging everything on its path. And I couldn’t be more ecstatic.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

And remember to like this column on Facebook!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono

It’s Friday again!

And I’m mortified to say that this may be our last Weekly News Roundup ever, since the way things are going it’s very probable that in a few days Buenos Aires will be replaced by a highly radioactive wasteland after a British nuke goes off somewhere in the City, the result of David Cameron’s unilateral escalation of the Malvinas / Falklands sovereignty conflict.

Haha, I’m kidding of course!

However, don’t tell your mother about these jokes because you know how parents react to all this. You make a joke about war and they start freaking out, yelling at you for abandoning the comfort of your first-world lifestyle to leave for “Argelina or one of those countries near Brazil” (“Brazil” being the only country they more or less know how to locate on a map of South America. Yeah, that’s right, it’s always Brazil. It’s not Colombia, it’s not Paraguay and God knows it’s not Guyana, a country that even I thought was in Africa for several years. I know it. You know it. We all know it.)

Deal with it.

This is what you need to know:

• 

  Prince William. His country may have nuclear weapons and rule the Malvinas, but he's going bald and there's nothing he can do about that. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Since apparently Mr. Cameron is dealing with some troubles at home he needs to divert attention and find a cause that will fire up the population. And what better way of doing that than appealing to the most primal of stupid nationalism? And while Argentina keeps saying “let’s talk about how those islands should belong to us,” the British government replies “Oh my God, invasion!!” So in order to protect the Malvinas/Falklands from a certain non-invasion and bring all of us closer to war, Great Britain has:

• 1) Decided it would be a great idea to send the HMS Dauntless to the islands in order to protect them from Argentina’s non-invasion. Despite its totally gay name, the Dauntless is a powerful anti-air destroyer capable of shooting down Argentina’s non-existing air force. Of course the British government said it was just “routine,” but we all know what that means.

• 2) In addition to that impressive warship, they also thought it would be smart to deploy to the islands none other than Prince William himself, who I’m sure is thrilled to have to stay at some barren, windy outpost north of nowhere for six weeks. I can totally see him, scotch in hand, going ”What the fuck am I doing here?” and such. Of course the British government said it was just “routine,” but we all know what that means.

• 3) As if that were not enough, Meryl Streep‘s latest film, “The Iron Lady,” which depicts the life of British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and focuses somewhat on the 1982 war between England and Argentina, opened yesterday and now everyone is depressed because it reminds them of that drunken military president who went to war with the UK because he needed to rally the country’s population behind some random cause to retain power. So I would suggest you avoid the issue altogether unless you wanna get punched in the face.

• أخبار عظيمة للجميع! (That’s supposed to be “Great news, everyone!” in Arabic according to Google Translate. It should have been in Farsi, but the option is not available so fuck it.) Inhuman rights champion and President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmedinejad officially launched last Tuesday a new Spanish news network which he expects will present “the cultural reality of Iran, the Middle East and Latin America.” In a very contrived Spanish, good old Mahmoud said: “Death to America!” “Viva España! Viva America Latina!” That’s great Mr. President! And you know, his administration is changing after all. A few years ago they would stone women to death, but now they “kinda call off the whole stoning thing.” A few years ago they would also execute the gays just for being gay, but now they have no more gays! They must have cured them or something. Right? Right?? Also, I’m pretty sure he was high when he made that video.

• Did you enjoy that overrated French movie, Amelie? Did you also enjoy that clearly underrated masterpiece The Da Vinci Code but are too ashamed to admit it? In both cases you probably enjoyed Audrey Tautou‘s performance. So if you care to get her autograph, you should know that she’s loose in San Telmo right now, according to every media outlet in the country. Yeah, that’s right. This is news, for some reason.

• Your dream has come true: Facebook Buenos Aires is now hiring! Too bad your resume is a million light years away from the kind of resume they’re looking for. Oh well. Pizza Hut and KFC are about to open in BA too and they will probably be looking for some “driven, outgoing individuals interested in workin in a fun, exciting environment.” Just saying.

• Mother Nature must have been pissed this week, because she’s been coming down hard on us humans.  A freak storm was unleashed over Córdoba city, catching everyone by surprise. Two people were killed, more than a dozen were injured and hundreds had to be evacuated.

• But the worst came on Wednesday when whatever Greek god is up there got pissed and decided it was time to
  

  The Constitución Train Station. I'm sure you're all going "Why, it looks just like New York's Central Station!" but trust me, it's nothing like that. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  teach us all a lesson, so he opened the floodgates of hell over Buenos Aires, effectively flooding the whole city within seconds.  And when I say “flood” I mean it. It was like that movie “The Day After Tomorrow,” only with more realistic special effects and better acting. If you had been waiting for the subway, this is what you would have run into. If you had been riding the bus, this is what you would have run into. And look! A geyser in the middle of the city! God bless Climate Change.

• Are you one of the million people who listened to my advice last week and stood in line for five hours under the sun/rain in order to get your SUBE card before the February 10 deadline? Well, like I’ve said a thousand times before, you should never listen to me. Because this week the Government set up a web site where people can order it online and get it in the comfort of their homes. No waiting. Sorry!

• And this is why you should never go to a nightclub in Constitución.

• Yeah, I know I just said you should never listen to me, but trust me on this one.

• Oh, and speaking of neighborhoods: Recoleta, Palermo and Nuñez are now the most expensive areas to rent in the City. If you live there (most of you do), congratulations! You’re now living like a rich person despite your average income.

• Rive Plate played against Boca Juniors again in the “second part” of that fake Superclásico that the AFA pulled out of its ass in order to make more money. River Plate lost again. The AFA won again. You lost again.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Friday again!

Although for many of you it’s probably already Monday, or Wednesday, or whatever, since I’m sure with the Copa America tournament kicking-off this afternoon you couldn’t care less about this column. That’s OK though, I’m not offended. The fact that you’re all bitching about how “cold” it is at night, and how the weather directly hinders your pathetic little drunken crusades around town every evening actually makes me feel better. So there, we’re even.

Anyway, this is what you losers needed to know last Friday, but didn’t bother checking out because you were following a ball like a tribe of zombie lemmings.

And to those who really are visiting today, thank you for appreciating my efforts, one day I’ll pay back.

• After creating unparalleled levels of anticipation that made it seem as if the lines between politics and entertainment had been blurred forever, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner finally announced on live television who her running mate would be. Imagine everyone’s surprise when her choice turned out to be none other than… Sorry, we’ll talk about this later, there’s something more important to discuss: River Plate.

• 

  Buenos Aires, five minutes before the end of the River Plate match. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  OH MY FUCKING GOD. Last Sunday was, according to most historians around the globe, the saddest day in the history of the universe. Believe it or not, legendary football team River Plate ended up being relegated to the National B Division after 110 years of being in the A Division. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I guess for football fans it’s like going from being Brad Pitt to Sloth from The Goonies, one more piece of evidence that the end of the world is nigh.

• Of course, while the players were devastated and cried like effeminate little girls, River Plate fans were not happy about this, so their understandable, natural reaction to their team’s demotion was, of course, destroying the stadium, ransacking nearby stores, damaging private property, attacking and critically injuring policemen and make life-threatening comments to the team’s players.

• Such a terrible ordeal (for the hooligans, I mean) became, according to River Plate president Daniel Passarella “a matter of national interest,” for which he requested an audience with President Fernández de Kirchner in order to discuss the club’s next steps. I applaud this decision. I mean, finally we get to see who really wields all the power in this country. And that is, of course, the president of a football team.

• Oh, and not to rain on your parade, but relegation means of course that you’ll never again be able to witness a Superclasico . Pity.

• However, you can still enjoy some good ole’ football, since the Copa America begins tonight! I have no idea what it’s about (I believe like a football world cup but on a continental level) but people seem to consider it entertaining enough. So there, have fun.

• Football Superstar and probable deity Lionel Messi confessed to the press that when he retires from football, he would like to move to Argentina. This statement prompted many Argentines to go all “In your face, Spaniards!” Well, sorry to pop your balloon but the only reason he does it is because with the Euro being 6 to 1 here, it’s obvious he only does it in order to be six trillion times richer than all of us combined.

• Speaking of which, you know how Argentines love to hate Obama,
  

  Buenos Aires, five minutes after the end of the River Plate match. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  saying that he’s just like Bush and stuff? Well apparently it’s all forgiven when he compares himself to Messi. No hard feelings, Mr. President?

• “Oh my God, you guys! The Harlem Globetrotters are here!” That’s what I would have said if it were 1990. However, it’s not 1990 so no one cares. By the way, the Harlem Globetrotters really are here.

• The Argentine Government is once again furious at the British Government after the British Defence Minister warned that they are ready to go to war if Argentina continues busting their balls about the Malvinas/Falklands Islands. Jesus, you two. Honestly, either go to war or don’t, but get over this endless saber rattling crap because it’s gotten really boring and I’m not sure people believe any of you anymore. Idiots.

• Finally, Twitter proves that it is kind of useful! After senators in the Upper House announced this week their intentions to pass a bill aimed at creating an additional tax for digital products such as mp3 players and cell phones, Twitter users staged a large protest on the the internet that forced senators to call off the debate. Congratulations, useless teenagers! You’ve finally achieved something! Of course, the fact that a bunch of hackers attacked the Senate website and intimidated government officials, may have also been responsible for their change of heart, but I guess we’ll never know!

• Now that President Fernández de Kirchner is in full campaign mode, she has decided to finally acknowledge that insecurity is kind of a problem here. That’s why she announced the deployment of additional police officers in several “critical” areas in the south of the city, where criminal activities seem to be flourishing. Does this mean you’ll be safer? No, since Palermo, San Telmo, Recoleta and all the other “green zones” you like to go to for drinks and sex couldn’t be further from the south. So remember: don’t leave your home without your pepper spray/gun kids!

• And finally: after creating unparalleled levels of anticipation that made it seem as if the lines between politics and entertainment had been blurred forever, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner finally announced on live television who her running mate in the coming presidential elections would be. Imagine everyone’s surprise when her choice turned out to be none other than… Economy Minister Amado Boudou! (Check out this file photo of him). The repercussions of her decision are huge, and are expected to drastically alter both domestic and international political scenarios. However, I’ve run out of space since I already used most of it to talk about football. Oh, well.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Send Adrian your comments, thoughts or tips at adrianbono@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @AdrianBono