It’s Friday again!

And I have bad news for you: the Malvinas clusterfuck is back in full force!

Because now that the YPF expropriation bill has been passed, what other nationalist cause are we going to be distracted with? The 2014 World Cup is still more than two years away, so that’s a no.

So I guess there’s no choice but to dust off the Malvinas playbook and start yelling at British people again.

Here’s everything you need to know (but don’t want to know):

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  Wenlock and Mandeville, the terrifying mascots of the 2012 London Olympics. I don't condone violence but I must admit it will be funny to see an Argentine athlete kicking them in the crotch in order to make a point about Malvinas. Not because I care about the islands, but because they're just plain ugly. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  Since I’m sure you didn’t go to Velez for the Cristina-palooza last week, here’s the 40-minute speech she gave before thousands of flag-waving, ecstatic youngsters who attended the event to celebrate her existence. Since I’m willing to bet my life that you didn’t click on that link, let me tell you: she basically glorified young people as the future of the nation and told the crowds to remain “united and organized.” Also there was a lot of yelling, even though she was standing two centimeters away from the microphone. All in all, a positive experience for those who survived the yelling.

• Meanwhile this week, Cristina’s arch-nemesis and opposition leader City Mayor Mauricio Macri, was tweeting some photos about his session of calisthenics and something that looks like him awkwardly tango dancing with another guy. I tell ya, this guy is a workaholic.

• In what could be considered the most awkward exchange of passive-aggressive smiles and ice-cold stares since Alien Vs. Predator, newly appointed Argentine ambassador to the UK Alicia Castro put British Foreign Secretary William Hague in the hot seat as he launched the annual world review of human rights at a ceremony in London.  Sitting right in front of him on the first row as he took the podium, Castro once again repeated the local government’s mantra regarding the Malvinas/Falklands and asked him point blank (or “ambushed,” as The Telegraph put it) if he was ready to give peace a chance. Enjoy the video.

• The UK, of course, said it was “disappointed” at her behavior, but Castro is a maverick, she doesn’t give a fuck.

• Since this Wednesday marked the 30th. anniversary of the sinking of the General Belgrano cruiser during the Malvinas War, Cristina found yet another excuse to hold a ceremony related to the Malvinas. In a televised speech she gave from the Pink House she inaugurated the  brand new (*rolls eyes*) “Malvinas Argentinas Courtyard” and then she defended ambassador Castro’s actions, saying that “refusing to engage in dialogue is unsustainable,” a funny thing to say considering she refuses to talk to journalists since like, ever. She also criticized the permanent members of the  UN Security Council (i.e.: the US and the UK) saying that they always force other countries to follow UN resolutions but they themselves refuse to abide by them, which is actually kind of true.

• Sorry, we’re not done talking about Malvinas yet. But here, take a break from that subject and enjoy this awesome/terrifying video.

• Alright, I’m sure you feel refreshed now. And dirty. Let’s go back to Malvinas.

• The 2012 London Olympics are right around the corner, and God knows what kind of fuckery will transpire there between the Argentine and the British teams. But if what happened this week is any indication, we’re in for a fun winter of gold medals and diplomatic shenanigans that will certainly end once the Olympic torch goes out and David Cameron little-boys Buenos Aires.  Everyone in the UK and the Malvinas/Falklands was up in arms yesterday after a controversial TV spot aired in Argentina, depicting the Argentine national hockey team captain Fernando Zylberberg “training” on the islands. As if that weren’t insulting enough (for the British), the ad concludes with the phrase “To compete on British soil, we train on Argentine soil.” Oh, snap!

• Yellow press crusader The Sun, of course, took it one step further and ran this headline. Dramaqueenism at its best.

• And to add insult to injury, the ad was created by Young & Rubicam, an advertising agency that belongs to – you guessed it – a British company.  God, August cannot come fast enough. I’m gonna have so much to write about I may have to start doing a Daily News Roundup.

• In YPF news, I totally spoiled it at the beginning already but the
  

  Many criticized The Sun for printing such a disrespectful headline after the sinking of the General Belgrano. But many more failed to realize that even more disrespectful is that The Sun is all about girls showing their tits. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  expropriation bill has been passed, which means that Argentina now owns 51 percent of the oil company. Yay!

• Also this week, two romantic revolutionaires decided that a good way to make a point about something was to set off a bomb outside the European Union‘s offices in Recoleta. God bless these people, and their fight for peace by blowing stuff up.

• Another tourist allegedly raped in Salta. The suspect has already turned himself in, assuring that he was in a relationship with the victim, a 21-year-old Swiss woman who was doing volunteer work there. I have no idea what the hell is going on there, but stay away.

• Also in Salta this week, since such attacks pose a PR nightmare to the tourism industry there, the media (that’s us!) found a way to distract the population with a most sensationalist story that was covered by every network in the country: the tragic, heartbreaking story of an 8-year-old girl that was seen driving around in a car.

• No, really. That happened. And boy, people were outraged. I mean, look at that video! The low quality! The shaky camera! The epic soundtrack! Rape? What rape?

• Now onto the football part, which always comes last because it is obviously the least important one: Congratulations football megastar Lionel Messi! Not only you’re going to be a father soon, but this week you broke yet another record! After scoring his 68th. goal this season, Messi broke the record for goals scored in a European club season, previously held by some German guy called Gerd Müller. I have no idea what any of this means, all I know is that I get more internet hits thanks to it.

South American football fans will have been kept busy over the close-season, with the Copa America providing ample distraction to ensure all were entertained. Nonetheless, many will now be anticipating this evening with great excitement. The 2011 Torneo Apertura is all set to kick-off and looks like being as unpredictable a race as ever. Apart from La Copa, headlines during the winter break had been dominated by the relegation of River Plate and the crazy ideas coming out of the AFA for a new 38 team league format. However, with the start of a new season it is time to forget the fallen giants and plans to resurrect them, and focus on those who will be at the party.

Veléz Sársfield fans celebrate the win with flare. (Photo: Caitlin M. Kelly)

Veléz Sársfield, champions of the 2011 Clausura, are amongst the early favourites to repeat those heroics. Whilst two of the critical cogs in their midfield have departed for Italy, diminutive playmaker Maxi Moralez and left-sided dynamo Ricky Alvarez, last season’s success was founded on much more than just the little-and-large midfield duo. Having kept Uruguayan forward Santiago Silva in the squad despite much interest from home and abroad is a major boost, especially if he can continue his rich vein of form from the past two years.  Veléz, who displayed some of the most attractive, attacking football in the league last season, might just be the side to beat this time around.

Estudiantes de la Plata, the other victors in last year’s Primera División, will also be looking to repeat their successes. Fans’ favourite Juan Sebastián Verón signed a year-long contract extension on Wednesday, and the midfield general could be central to Estudiantes’ fate over the coming months. In addition, a loan deal from Wigan Athletic for centre forward Mauro Boselli looks like a shrewd piece of business. Despite suffering a tough time in England, the striker proved his pedigree during his last spell at the club. Estudiantes start their campaign in Rosario on Sunday afternoon, away to Newell’s Old Boys.

In a league in which anything can happen, any number of other teams will start the Apertura with one eye on the title. Among the outsiders who should be considered as in with a chance are Lanús, who won their first ever league in the 2007 Apertura. Since then they have put in some impressive performances, finishing second at their last attempt. Additionally, recent surprise package Godoy Cruz will be looking to represent the growing decentralization of power in Argentinian football with another good showing this year, starting with a tough opening fixture at home to Veléz on Saturday.

La Boca fans ready for another victory. (Photo: Rafael Alvez)

Finally, never ones to be ignored, sleeping giants Boca Juniors are desperate to win their first domestic title since 2008. No doubt still basking in the glow from the demise of fierce rivals River Plate, the Boca faithful might do well to turn their attentions onto their own club’s failings. They start the season with exactly the same relegation coefficient that River had at the beginning of their ultimate campaign and should have learned by now that in Argentina, no side is too big to go down. While their status demands them to be permanent title contenders, a league victory this coming season looks unlikely. Boca must first recover from the retirement of talismanic striker Martin Palermo, and they must do so quickly.

Indeed, as the example of River Plate proves, the league is about far more than who finishes campeón. Several teams might spend the next six months taking tentative glances down the table at the absurdly complicated relegation coefficient, not least the newly promoted teams: Atlético de Rafaela; Belgrano de Córdoba; San Martín de San Juan; and Unión de Santa Fe. Meanwhile, Tigre will hope the goals of Denis Stracqualursi, one of the league’s best players last season, will be enough to save them from the drop. Other sides looking hesitantly over their shoulders will include Olimpo and Racing, despite the latter’s status as one of the traditional giants of Argentinian football.

The Primera División 2011/12 looks set to be as closely-fought and entertaining as ever, with thrills and spills a plenty. As always, the favourites are far from certainties and the seemingly weaker sides are capable of defying the doom-merchants and springing a surprise or two. The first round of games could all realistically go either way and even at this late stage it has been a near impossible task to confidently predict the fates of the various runners and riders. With that in mind, I guess all there is to do now is sit back and enjoy the show.