Now that President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, in her eternal wisdom, has effectively locked the doors so that no one can travel abroad ever again, it’s become the patriotic thing to pack up your alpargatas and go on holiday in Argentina. Nothing wrong with a bit of patriotism now and again. At Casa Tunnard we always celebrate ‘Día de la Soberanía’ (look it up) by inviting round a French neighbour and trying to sail up my Argentine wife’s internal waterways while she beats us back with chains, until Frenchie and I give up and gallivant off to carve up the Guyanas.
Yes, patriotism’s all the rage this summer, and even if you find it hard to feel patriotic about a country that you’ve only lived in for a couple of years and to which you have an at-best passing commitment, think of it as a way to give something back. It’s not like you pay taxes, is it?
Crowded beach in Mar del plata
Anyway, here are a few things to expect when veraneando with the Argentines:
Tossing a light sweater over your manly shoulders.
An integral part of any Argentine holiday. Buenos Aires in the summer is an intolerable hell-hole of suffocating humidity, so Argentine men venture to the kind of climes where it’s sunny by day, but a bit fresco by night. This allows them to walk around at all times with yellow knitwear draped over their virile shoulders, nicely matching with that sky blue polo shirt. Traditionally, Argentines would go to Mar del Plata just to buy sweaters and have their photo taken with a concrete sea lion; it wasn’t until the second Perón administration that people started lying on the beach for interminable periods. Which leads us nicely to:
Sunburn
If you are an Argentine woman, and I know many of you secretly wish you were, you can expect to spend at least 50% of your fortnight trip on a quest for that most sought-after summer accessory: the tan. Only in Argentina are the words “me quemé” (I’m burned) uttered with such joy. Skin cancer is considered an affliction of pasty Australians, and hardly a concern for anyone whose family includes at least three men nicknamed “el Negro”.
If you are unlucky enough to be a man going on holiday with an Argentine woman, you’re in for a very boring time. You may like to liven up endless days at the beach by abducting small children and abandoning them in a crowded part of the beach. When missing children are found, everyone nearby starts applauding, and distracted parents anxiously check to see if they are missing something. Soon, the child’s mother will come running to find her brood, while you marvel at this wonderful display of Argentine solidarity. See how many kids you can abduct without getting caught (watch out for the biters)!
If you are unlucky enough to be a woman holidaying in Argentina, you will spend every daylight hour of your holidays lying flat out in the sunshine, pausing only for the chance to show a passing news crew your arse. Which leads us nicely on to:
Constipation
While you regularly share with porteños the joys of large plates of meat, bulky pasta, and starchy facturas, in private you will frequently supplement this with bran-based breakfasts, meat-free lunches and, God forbid, pulses. Well you can kiss goodbye to peristalsis as you enjoy a holiday fortnight of meat, starch, and cheese. You will be eating exactly what porteños eat, and the hotel where you’re staying will be serving an Argentine breakfast of weak coffee and medialunas. Don’t even think about asking for eggs. They’ll stare at you blankly as if you were speaking a foreign language. In fact, you are! Which leads us nicely to:
Argentines (not quite) abroad
As much as the prospect of a holiday in the same country where you live and work might strike fear and despair into your very core, for many Argentines this is the most natural thing to do. Many Argentines make it a point of pride to go to exactly the same place year after year. Rather like Americans, many Argentines consider anything foreign with an ingrained suspicion, and find great comfort to be taken in holidaying in a place that has exactly the same television, language, and food as back home. And you can be sure the food is exactly the same. This is not like travelling in Italy or France, where the cuisine changes dramatically from one region to the next. Fuck, no. There might be a bit of goat here, or the empanadas might be filled differently there, but basically it’s the same menu in the 5,000 kilometres from Ushuaia to La Quiaca. Which leads us nicely on to:
Jam
It is the unspoken dream of some 5% of porteños to just dash it all and go and live on the coast or in the mountains. For many of those stupid enough to go through with the plan, this invariably means making their own jam and selling it to tourists. No Argentine holiday would be complete without a wander around some hippie’s shop, admiring all the names of the different fruits that you didn’t even know existed and which have now been turned into jam for your benefit. Sadly, these people’s businesses are doomed to fail, for the simple reason that no one really eats that much jam. My personal jam consumption for the last tax year amounted to three tablespoons, and that was only because if you travel by coach in this country they give you a tub of jam that they expect you to spread on three complimentary crackers on a moving bus. And an alfajor. Which leads us nicely on to:
Alfajores
The highlight of many Argentines’ holidays, do be sure to buy a box of these to share back in Buenos Aires with your Argentine colleagues. The women will coo and swoon, while the men will excitedly fight over them like schoolboys, as if you had given them Toblerones or something nice. And then the awful realisation will finally dawn on you that you’re not really one of them and never will be, and that next year you’ll be doing like me and other Anglophone poets Martin Amis and James Hetfield from Metallica, and spending your holidays in Uruguay.
Wherever you do end up on holiday, wear your seatbelt, try not to complain too much, and do remember at all times: at least you’re not on holiday in England.
Argentine beach-time classics (illustration by Estudio Bote
Daniel’s new book ‘Colectivaizeishon, el ingles que tomó todos los colectivo de Buenos Aires’ comes out on Random House Mondadori in 2013. Details at www.danieltunnard.com
Me encanta cómo escribís.
Yay! Fun read and sadly, all true.
The jam bit made me giggle a lot.
O.k. this is funny but too biased, too. Argentina has lots of variety, too many different people, and you seem to be judging the rest of the country just by Buenos Aires’ standards. That is sad (Melanie Henderson)…
The menu doesn’t change in 5000 kms? Do you think that makes any sense really? The menu really has other variations in ingredients and taste; it varies as it would vary in China, India, and the States.
What about jam??? Argentines consume just as much jam as in any other European country…
Alfajores in turn can be just as good as Toblerones. I suggest you try Havanna or Balcarce. You won’t need to look down on Argentine alfajores then.
Argentines are reluctant to embrace anything foreign? Why are they turning to the US dollar for saving, trips abroad, etc., then? Why do they spend so much time watching American sitcoms and movies, I wonder?
You need to go on vacation to Uruguay instead? O.k. I hope this is the real joke here. Uruguay is just another province in Argentina sharing a culture similar to the Porteños’ culture; a country that wouldn’t be without Argentine tourists, trade and investment (or people who are just trying to avoid paying higher taxes in their own country for that matter.)
No foreing man is obliged to live in Argentina. You can live wherever you want and be free to choose, which is a good thing. The country won’t be any poorer or worse without you. And you don’t need to poke so much fun on Argentine culture. Argentina’s culture is just like it is.
Hermann, Cynthia, it’s just a humour piece, don’t take it so seriously
Hi Daniel. Sorry to disagree. I grant the article you wrote is funny and everything, but sometimes sarcasm, or humor if you will, is used to just make fun of other peoples’ idiosyncrasy. Argentina has a lot of terrible things to be ashamed of but all in all is a very hospitable to foreigners. And I still haven’t found any Argentine coming to a foreing country to crack jokes about their lifestyle (and Englishmen have a longstanding tradition for laughing at foreigners; I love Graham Greene, though, but he is Graham Green:)
Hermann I agree with you – “Englishmen have a longstanding tradition for laughing at foreigners” and I know what I am talking about, I’m French and I lived over 11 years in the UK.
I can think of many British writers who make fun of the French – Stephen Clarke (“A year in the Merde”, etc..)comes to my mind straight away and I never got offended by his humour! (and I’ve read all his books!)
Even if I may not always agree with someone’s humouristic comments about my own country or culture, I would NEVER dare to think that this person doesn’t deserve a place in my country…
Daniel’s style, in my opinion, is very witty (very British!) and it should not be taken too seriously!
Hermann, what makes you think I’m a foreigner?
I would love to visit Argentina, particularly Buenos Aires but as a U.K. passport holder I think that the anti-British rhetoric coming from Argentine Govt. sources would probably make me unwelcome so I am contemplating going to Santiago instead.
The English might have a tradition of laughing at foreigners, but I think they also have an even greater tradition of laughing at themselves. It’s one of the things that makes English humour so great, and even though this article is about Argentines, you can see a glimpse of that here as well (all those who took offense at the article -have you read the very last sentence?).
Paul Cameron -if you want to visit Argentina you should do it. There are a lot of British people here and they do just fine, you shouldn’t let these things put you off.
Yes Paul, no problems for British in Argentina, the people are very friendly and are far more enthusiastic about discriminating against Bolivians. Don’t for God’s sake go to Santiago, it is a godforsaken place. There’s sushi, and a house where a poet used to live. THAT’S ABOUT IT.
Oh, I’m sorry, Daniel. I thought you were the person who wrote this note.
And yes, humor is a smart way to pass criticism and complain about everything without being objective.
I am argentinean and have lived abroad for the past 15 years. I find this article quite funny and spot on, mostly when my non-argentinean hubby finds the same things ‘interesting’. This has led me to analyze some of this habits over time and realize that I find comfort in going on Holidays to the same place each year, however it is only fun because my friends also go there. This is what argentineans like, spending time with friends at the beach, drinking mate, eating alfajores, strolling on the coast at night with male partner wearing a sweater over his shoulder, and borrowing it from time to time.
The one habit that I’ve changed is spending so much time in the sun, literally burning my skin. I believe there isn’t enough conscience of the risks associated with spending too much time in the sun and getting too dark. Plus I do not think having an extreme tan necessarily makes you look good. Some color is good, sunburn is unhealthy. But then my argentinean friends always tell me I am too white, even when I come back from a Holiday at the beach.
Even though there are variations in food along the country, it is certainly very similar from Ushuaia to La Quiaca. In understand your comment regarding jam, europeans and americans certainly eat more jam than argentineans on a daily basis. And there is no need to eat eggs in the morning, argentinean eat more eggs that your body needs in any case. You can find them in every other common dish: quiche, empanadas, tortilla, milanesa, etc. However, I have to say that alfajores are way better than toblerones. Do try ‘alfajores Jorgito’!
Last Daniel, I am quite jealous you are spending your next Holiday in Uruguay where I spent every the summer year after year during my childhood till my mid-20s. Don’t forget to have some churros filled with ‘dulce de leche’ at churros Manolo, preferably one a day after the beach around 19-20 hs.
My Argentine husband (who speaks English perfectly and has a V-neck Mar del Plata jumper) laughed out loud when I read this to him. Very funny and spot on!
Carolyn